Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Preparing to Be A Help Meet: The King - Part 5

Ah, yes.  The portion of the chapter where Debi poisons the well.  Oddly enough, she seems conflicted during this section.  Debi seems torn between toeing the party line about "Your husband is always right!" and admitting that mothers may know what is best - especially when mom is trying to extricate her daughter from an abusive husband.

Mama Says He's a Dud
If your father is a gentle, kind man, and if your mother has always been ... how shall we say it ... a little dominant, then what I am about to teach you might save your future marriage.  

By crushing you.  And your mom.  

When you marry, or even while you are in courtship, your forceful mother will not appreciate or understand your dominant King betrothed.  She might say he lacks humility, which indicates his lack of spirituality. If it is clearly apparent to all that he does indeed love and honor God, then she will simply say he is arrogant and selfish.  As the Kingly type, he may be a little overbearing.  It goes with the territory. He will expect service, and will assume you will jump with all joy just to do his bidding.  It is his nature.

Boy, why isn't such a great catch like him married already?  Quick, girls!  Snatch him up before he gets away.

If you are unwise, you will be swayed by your mother's scorn.  Don't let it happen to you! 

*listens for the splash of the poison in the well."

 If you are wise, you will recognize that your mother measures all men by your father's Priestly nature.  To her a good man is gentle, kind, and considerate.  Through her eyes, you will see only the negative side of your husband's type, and it will cause you to become critical of him, too.

Be wise.  RUN AWAY!

Be patient with her.  She is honoring your dad by measuring all men according to him, but your King man will walk a different path.

FYI: You don't have to go down that path.  Let him go alone.  You'll be better off for it.

Right now, if you know that your thoughtful soft-spoken daddy is a Priestly type and your mama has always sort of ruled the roost, then you will need to make a document much like you did in the chapter on the Prophet-type man.  This one will need to be more personal than the first one your wrote concerning the Prophet man because it will be read by you (who are probably a gentle heart) and by your forceful mom.

Notice how you didn't have to write anything for the Priest Man?  That type is sane.  Go find a PRIEST type.

Take a pretty piece of paper and write a letter to yourself, to be read sometime in the future when you are finding it difficult to submit to your dominant man.  Explain to yourself this potential problem and how you will respond to it when it arises.  Make some real commitments.  Date the document. Put this document in your Treasure Chest.  

Speaking as a teacher, that is the worst writing prompt ever.  What the heck are you supposed to write?

Dear FutureMel,

Hi!  Someday, you might find it hard to submit to your dominant husband - the one you haven't met yet.  Sometimes it is hard to submit.  I think that I should submit to him.  I commit to submit to him.  This is really important to PastMel and should be important to FutureMel.

Sincerely,

PastMel

If you do decide to write this letter, turn the paper over and write the following bit on the back in BIG LETTERS:

If I am reading this letter to you, Mom, I have serious concerns about my marriage that I am afraid to bring up.

Please don't give up on me.  I need your support to get out of here. 


www.thehotline.org  can help.


Someday - sooner than you think - you will be married.  There will be a time when you are discouraged with your demanding husband and you will say something negative about him to your mom.  She will take the opportunity to tell you what has "been on her heart".    Showing it to your mother will, hopefully, change her heart as well.

*Splash! Second dose of poison hits the water*

Let your mom read the back of the letter.  You can use a Mama Bear on your side right now.

Keep in mind that your mother is not the enemy.  She is Mom.  She is the one who cared for you when you were sickly; she is the one who believed in you when you were down.  She is the one who would have given her very life for you, but, because she is Mom, she will be the first to speak out when she thinks you might be hurting.  Treasure her for the wonderful friend that she is, but remember, once you are married your allegiance changes.  

That's one conflicted paragraph. 

It's a good thing that Mom's allegiance doesn't change.  Remember that she is probably seeing the situation more clearly than you.

Right at the beginning of the Bible, God tells us, "and thy desire shall be to thy husband and he shall rule over thee" (Genesis 3:16)

That's not the whole verse. (Again.)  

16 To the woman he said,
“I will greatly increase your pangs in childbearing;
    in pain you shall bring forth children,
yet your desire shall be for your husband,
    and he shall rule over you.”
In short: This is what happened because of the Fall, not as a part of God's original plan.

One day you will be Mom to a grown daughter, and in that day you will understand the protective instinct your mother has for you.  Until then, be wise, be loving, be patient with your mother, and stand by your man.

Unless he's a "King".  If he is, get out now!


If you need help, call 1-800-799-HELP (7233) or (if you have access to a computer that your partner does not), go to www.thehotline.com

AntiPearl: I think God made a woman to be strong and not to be trampled under the feet of men. I've always felt this way because my mother was a very strong woman, without a husband.

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: The King - Part 4

This is the second to last "King" post - and the last one that talks directly about the "King's" lunacy.

Kings usually like fine meals served on time and in good order.  If you are an especially fine cook, your gifts will be greatly appreciated.  A Kingly Man is not one to help out in the kitchen.

Translation: Your husband, who never lifts a finger, is free to complain about your crappy cooking, your failure to plate everything like a restaurant , and/or your inability to have dinner ready when HE wants it.

Kings like to talk about their plans, ideas, and unfinished projects.  They will be very objective, very unemotional, and not enjoy small talk.  Their vision is like a man looking from a high mountain, focused on the distant goal.  The King's wife needs to help him remember individuals' needs.

*Scoffs*

Good luck with that.  

Ever heard the story of Sisyphus?   He'll have gotten that boulder up the hill before the "King" remembers anyone else.

A Kingly Man will be most uncomfortable and at a loss when dealing with the sick, helpless and dying.  Where there is no hope, there will be no need for a King.  If you marry a King, don't be offended if he shirks being with the sick or weak.

Nice poisoning of the well, DebiMichael. 

In "The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists", the author explains that most codependent people who have been enabling narcissists start to question the relationship when the codependent person becomes ill or needs help.  

On some level, the codependent person has been puting up with all of the crap because he or she believes that when the codependent person REALLY needs the narcissist, the narcissist will take care of them.

Too bad that's not how the narcissist sees the relationship - he or she subscribes to the "King" theory of interaction.

On a different tangent, let's see how many Bible quotes I can find in 5 minutes that refute that paragraph.
  1.  Matthew 25:31-46 (Parable of the Sheep and Goats)
  2. Matthew 7:12  (The Golden Rule) 
  3. Galatians 6:2 (Bear one another’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill[a] the law of Christ)
  4. James 5:14-15 ( 14 Are any among you sick? They should call for the elders of the church and have them pray over them, anointing them with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 The prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise them up; and anyone who has committed sins will be forgiven.)
Four quotes in 5 minutes.  So...how did Mr. "I've spent 50-odd years reading the Bible" miss those four?  (This portion just reeks of Michael Pearl.)

(*Spoiler Alert*)


I read "Red Badge of Courage" by Stephen Crane when I was a freshman in high school.  My dad, who teaches HS English, pointed out that the true moment of cowardice for the main character is not during the battle(s), or during the part when he tries to comfort his dying friend, but when he leaves "the tattered man" because he is afraid that that man will die in front of him.


According to my dad, a man who cannot support the sick or dying is a coward.


A born leader is a man who can, when necessary, adapt the principles or rules to the circumstance for the greater good of the greatest number of people.

Oh, yeah.  The 11th commandment.... (massive sarcasm)

Seriously, Debi just added "The Book of Extreme Consequentialism" to the Bible.  

A Kingly man will not confer with his wife concerning the way he spends money.  If his wife "feels" it is her right to help decide how the money will be spent, she will engage in a war she will never win.  Even though she is not part of the decision making, a Kingly wife will feel secure in her husband's ability to "take care of her", due to his commanding confidence.

How's that working out for you, Debi? 

 Was it fun watching your children go hungry when Michael moved to TN without a job?  

 How long were you suffering that neck pain before strangers gave you $40,000 to get needed medical care after your husband decided to drop medical insurance?  

Or when your grandchildren were living without electricity in AZ

 How well did you sleep when that same daughter was giving birth unassisted? (Beka writes as ForeverGirl about halfway down the page.) 

Are the "Pleasures and Honors of Being a Queen" worth this kind of shit?


If you need help due to abuse, call 1-800-799-HELP (7233) or (if you have access to a computer that your partner does not), go to www.thehotline.com

AntiPearl: “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” 
― Lao Tzu

Preparing to Be A Help Meet: The King - Part 3

So much toxicity in FOUR paragraphs.  

A good King sees the bigger picture and strives to help the greatest number, even if it costs him his life and the lives of those he loves.  

Remember in the Gospel where Jesus throws Peter in front of the guards who came to arrest him?  Or the time Jesus made it out of the temple after challenging the money-changers by blaming his brothers?

Don't remember those?  Me either.  That's because Jesus NEVER sacrificed the lives of those he loved.

Let's compare Debi's take with some quotes from the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
2264    Love toward oneself remains a fundamental principle of morality. Therefore it is legitimate to insist on respect for one’s own right to life. Someone who defends his life is not guilty of murder even if he is forced to deal his aggressor a lethal blow: (2196)
If a man in self-defense uses more than necessary violence, it will be unlawful: whereas if he repels force with moderation, his defense will be lawful.... Nor is it necessary for salvation that a man omit the act of moderate self-defense to avoid killing the other man, since one is bound to take more care of one’s own life than of another’s.66
2265    Legitimate defense can be not only a right but a grave duty for one who is responsible for the lives of others. The defense of the common good requires that an unjust aggressor be rendered unable to cause harm. For this reason, those who legitimately hold authority also have the right to use arms to repel aggressors against the civil community entrusted to their responsibility. (2240)
 In short: You have the right to protect yourself if you choose.  You have a grave duty (in Catholic-ese, that means "you have to unless you have a damn good reason") protect those who look to you for protection.

If he is an honest man, he will take financial loss in order to help lead those who need him, but in the end he will usually come out on top.  If he is not an honest man, he will be selfish and use the resources of others to further this own interests.  A good wife can and does make the difference in how a leader is able to lead.

Bullshit.

My first teaching job lasted about 18 months in an alternative high school in a working-class, urban neighborhood.  The students were coming from really rough situations - multiple foster home placements, runaways, in and out of the justice system.  As a staff member, I worked HARD to be a stable, reliable adult that my teenagers could trust - an adult who wouldn't abandon them again.

Our staff was tight-knit.  There were about 30 of us across 3 major programs and we would often eat lunch and dinner together since our school ran from 7:30am to 9:00pm.  We got to know each other's families.   My principal's wife was an awesome woman and I enjoyed spending time with her and their adopted children.

The school came to a screeching halt when the principal was removed pending an investigation of fraud.  He'd been inflating student numbers for years.

See, the principal was some-what socialized narcissist.  He had a plan - build a great school and get acclaim (and cash) for running an award winning program.  The fact that he needed to scam the government for extra cash was rationalized with the idea "It's for the good of the kids."  (Bullshit.)  

What was the net outcome?  The staff of 30 was reduced to around 6.  The students lost 24 people with whom they had bonded.   Just what kids with disrupted lives need: more disruption.

Who do I blame? My principal primarily with some condemnation saved for the superintendent who looked the other way....

Why the hell would I blame his wife?  She was a great person - but she didn't cause his problems, couldn't control his problems and can't cure his problems.


A King wants a Queen, which is why a man in command wants a faithful wife to share his fame and glory.  Without a woman's admiration, his victories are muted. 

"A faithful wife."

 "A woman's admiration." 

Any woman will do in the "King's" world: YOU can be replaced.

 If a wife learns early to enjoy the benefits of taking the second seat, and if she does not take offense to his headstrong aggressiveness, she will be the one sitting at his right side being adored, because this kind of man will totally adore his woman and exalt her. She will be his closest and sometimes his only confidante.  Over the years, the Kingly Man can become more yielding and gentle. His wife will discover secret portals to his heart.

In exchange for giving up everything and living with a self-absorbed jerk, you may get to know the jerk better than anyone else.  Perhaps.  If you are worthy enough, .....

[Note from a Command Man: And not all kingly men lack gentleness.  I've been praised for being gentle, so there's hope for us young monarchs.]

*slow claps*

Thank you for sharing other people's praise of yourself!  I'm SO glad to know that!

A King who has "gone bad" is likely to be abusive, selfish, and overbearing. 

After all, a Good "King" is self-absorbed, selfish and overbearing.  

 It is important to remember that much of how a Kingly Man reacts depends on his wife's reverence towards him. When a Kingly Man (lost or saved) is treated with honor and reverence, a good help meet will find that her man will be wonderfully protective and supportive.  In most marriages, the strife is not because the man is cruel or evil; it is because he expects obedience, honor, and reverence, and is not getting it.  Thus, he reacts badly. 

Here's Debi bringing the standard victim-blaming again!  

Since Debi won't do it, here's a list of abuse warning signs compiled by the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

If you’re beginning to feel as if your partner or a loved one’s partner is becoming abusive, there are a few behaviors that you can look out for. Watch out for these red flags and if you’re experiencing one or more of them in your relationship, call the hotline to talk about what’s going on.
  • Telling you that you can never do anything right
  • Showing jealousy of your friends and time spent away
  • Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing friends or family members
  • Embarrassing or shaming you with put-downs
  • Controlling every penny spent in the household
  • Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses
  • Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you
  • Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do
  • Preventing you from making your own decisions
  • Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children
  • Preventing you from working or attending school
  • Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets
  • Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons
  • Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
  • Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol
Two more from me:
  • Does physical harm to you.
  • Interferes with your use of birth control.

If you need help due to abuse, call 1-800-799-HELP (7233) or (if you have access to a computer that your partner does not), go to www.thehotline.com

AntiPearl: “If I were free, as a physician, to say what I pleased, I would tell every abused person I see that there is an entire world out there that is nothing like the one you’re living. Go discover it.” 
― C. (Cody) KennedyOmorphi

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: The King - Part 2

Now, Debi normalizes abusive relationships.

These types are known for expecting their wives to wait on them hand and foot.  A Kingly Man does not want his wife involved with any project that prevents her from serving him.  If you are blessed to win the favor of a strong, forceful, bossy man, then it is very important for you to learn how to serve with joy.

What kind of sick blessing is that?  

Waiting hand and foot on a tyrant isn't a blessing; it's a curse.

Kingly Men are not as intimate or vulnerable as other men in sharing their personal feelings with their wives.  They seem sufficient unto themselves.  It can leave a sensitive woman feeling shut out.  A woman married to a Kingly Man has to earn her place in his heart by proving she will stand by her man, faithful, loyal and obedient.  When she has won his confidence, he will treasure her to the extreme.

Watch Debi dangle that carrot: "Once you are worthy, he will love you."

Sounds much worse in plain English - as the truth often does.

A King-natured man has a tendency to gather around him those who will assist him in establishing his kingdom and will dismiss anyone who stands in his way.  If a wife supports her king, he will honor her with glory, but if she becomes his opposition, he will go on alone without her.  She can be left feeling awfully alone, for the kingly man may not stop so she can cry on his shoulder; he may go forward and leave her crying alone.

YOU are expendable to the "King". 

When you are no longer useful, you will be left behind without a backward glance.

She is on call every minute of her day.  Her man wants to know where she is, what she is doing, and why she is doing it.  He corrects her without thought.  For better or for worse, it is his nature to control.

That's the best description of an abusive relationship I've ever read.  Debi should know.  She's living it.

If you marry a Kingly Man, you will wear a heavier yoke than most women, but it can be a very rewarding yoke.  You will always know exactly what is required of you.  For a wise woman this can bring a calm sense of safety and rest.

Another interesting slip by Debi.  The yoke is rewarding - not your life.

Pleasure and Blessing Number One: You never have to think again.

The Kingly Man feels it his duty and responsibility to lead people, and so he does, whether or not they want him to lead or not.  Amazingly, this is what the public is most comfortable with.  Very few people have enough confidence to strike out on their own.  The feeling of being blamed for mistakes holds many men back.  The Kingly Man is willing to take the chance, and it is for that purpose God created these men.

The Kingly Man isn't afraid of being blamed - that's what he has a wife for.

Their road is not easy, for James said, "My bretheren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation" (James 3:1)

Sometimes the Bible translations have HUGE difference in meaning.  The NRSV translation of that verse reads "Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers and sisters,[a] for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness."  

Michael Pearl should take that verse to heart.  He's done a lot of dangerous teachings over the years.....

If you marry this type, he will need you to stand by him. He will grow much faster as a man and a leader if you march forward as a couple united in mind and heart.  If you pray for him, support him, encourage him, and act as his faithful right-hand man, he will be more capable to serve a greater number in wisdom and humility.  YOU could be a blessing or a curse to many people by how you relate to your Command Man.

No.  We are each responsible for our own actions.  

If you need help due to abuse, call 1-800-799-HELP (7233) or (if you have access to a computer that your partner does not), go to www.thehotline.com

AntiPearl: I didn't cause it.  I can't control it.  I can't cure it.    Al-anon slogan.

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: The King - Part 1

I hate this chapter.  All of it.  Hate.

This deserves a trigger warning for abuse, abuse rationalization, and hideously bad grammar.

Moral to the Story: The wife to a King must learn to serve him with honor.
A Caution: Don't be offended by his lack of serving or helping you in the mundane things of life.

Why shouldn't I be offended?  He's being an ass.

God the Father is dominant, sovereign, and in command.  He is the King of Kings.  He created a few men who are like him in this aspect; they are kingly men.  In my book Created To Be His Help Meet, I called them Command Men, because that is their most dominant feature.  

The rest of society calls them abusive narcissistic tyrants.  Our term is more honest.

Though men in general are dominant compared to women, the King type is enbued (sic) with an extra dose and, seemingly, a deficit in gentleness and patience.

You can drop the pretense.  The "King" types have a clinical lack of gentleness and patience.

They are often chosen by other men to be military commanders, politicians, preachers, and heads of corporations.

The people who "chose" them will live to rue that decision.

Kingly men see life as if they were on a high mountain; they look at the big picture, rather than individual, personal needs.  

Stop glamorizing it.

 The King is intensely focused on HIS individual personal needs. 

Kingly Men show little tolerance for those around them who are dragging their feet, making excuses, or whining about their lot in life.  They are men who want to move forward now - and they have a plan.  As a rule, Kingly Men tend to end up in a place of authority over people.

Interesting slip, Debi.  The "King" has a plan - his plan - not God's plan.  Keep watching for that theme since it recurs frequently.

If you should marry a King, you must be prepared to give him honor and reverence on a daily basis if you want him to be a benevolent, honest, strong and fulfilled man of God.  Every king wants a queen.  He will best fulfill his potential to become an effective leader when he has the confidence and admiration of the queen at his side.  

Debi's helping you start practicing enabling your "King" ahead of time.  

Remember: The King is the ONLY ONE who matters.


Being a Queen comes with pleasures and honors, but it also carries extreme demands.  It is a life of service, first to your King and then to those who are under your man's care.

Place your bets now as to what the "pleasures and honors" of being a Queen are.  The answer comes up a few posts from now.

If you need help due to abuse, call 1-800-799-HELP (7233) or (if you have access to a computer that your partner does not), go to www.thehotline.com

AntiPearl: There are people in the world that help abuse victims.  That's enough for me to hang on to today.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: Mel's Interjection on Traits of Narcissists

I hate a few chapters of Debi's book.  The Kingly Man Chapter is one of them.  It's so incredibly toxic.  The whole chapter is essentially an apologia for narcissistic men and an instruction manual for how to be an enabler instead of a wife.

To counter-balance some of the toxicity, I read the book "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" by Eleanor Payson. This book helped me clarify some of the traits in Michael Pearl that are unhealthy and also recognize Debi as a covert narcissist as well.  I'll be referring back to the book throughout the King Chapter, but also later in the book since I think we can determine some interesting dynamics in the Pearl family involving which children are the "chosen" kids and which are disposable.

Here's a list of questions to help determine if a person has a narcissistic personality disorder from the book:
1.  Do you frequently feel as if you exist to listen to or to admire his or her special talents and sensitivities?

2. Do you frequently feel hurt or annoyed that you do not get your turn and, if you do, the interest and quality of attention are significantly less than the kind of attention you give?

3.  Do you sense an intense degree of pride in this person or feel reluctant to offer your opinions when you know they will differ from his or hers?

4.Do you often feel that the quality of your whole interaction will depend on what kind of mood he or she is in?

5.  Do you feel controlled by this person?

6. Are you afraid of upsetting him or her for fear of being cut off or retaliated against?

7. Do you have difficulty saying no?

8. Are you exhausted from this kind of energy drain or worry that this relationship causes you?

9.  Have you begun to feel lonely in this relationship?

10.  Do you often wonder where you stand in this relationship?

11.  Are you in constant doubt about what's real?

12.  Are you reluctant to let go of this relationship due to a strong sense of protectiveness?

13.  Are you staying in the relationship because of your investment of time and energy?

14.  Do you stay because you say to yourself the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know?

If this sounds like a relationship you are currently in, it is well worth seeking professional counseling for your own sanity.

Another interesting item is the DSM IV series on narcissistic personality disorder:

"A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3. believes that he or she is 'special' and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high status people (or institutions).

4. requires excessive admiration.

5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.

6. is inter-personally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.

7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings or needs of others.

8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

9. shows arrogance, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: The Priest - Part Four

In the last installment on the Priestly Man, Debi makes marriage sound nice.  Her advice is actually pretty good in this section.

Your Priestly Mr. Steady will not expect you to cook, clean and serve him, but he might enjoy being in the kitchen cooking with you.  

*looks around for the horsemen of the Apocalypse*

A husband who won't expect his wife to be a domestic servant? A man who likes to cook?  Will the wonders never cease?

Welcome to the 20th century, Debi.  Perhaps you'd like to join the rest of us in the 21st century?  Egalitarianism is a good deal for both parties.


If he does, and if you are a perfectionist, unhappy with his contribution, then you will be stealing something precious from your marriage. 

Honestly, that's a fair warning, if heavy-handed.  

My husband and I both like to cook.  We did have to set up some informal cooking rules to keep our domestic peace.  

The main rule:  Never add spices to the other spouse's meal that is being cooked.  

We hadn't been married very long when Nico offered to help me with some dinner I was cooking.  I was happy for his help until he tasted my (finished) dish, walked over to the cabinet, grabbed a spice mix and added it to the main dish.  He said something like "Now it's just perfect!" in a happy, excited voice.

This was the beginning of our first married spat.

From Nico's point of view, he was simply adding a spice to round out the flavor palate of a dish that already tasted really good. 


 From my point of view, my version of the dish wasn't good enough with just the spices I had picked.

We argued.  We talked.  We thought about the other person's viewpoint.  We decided on the spice rule.

 A fine chef can be hired! He married you to be his help meet.

*puts some grain out for the horses of the Apocalypse*

Debi Pearl acknowledged that a woman's role in a marriage is more than domestic slave AND implied that hiring domestic help is a good thing.

My head is spinning.

He will be in a state of quiet contemplation much of the time.  He will want to share his deepest feelings and thoughts with you, so be still until he figures out how. 

Caveat: Be sure that he wants to talk about deep feelings before you decide to take that vow of silence.   Otherwise, I have a mental image of two people sitting in silence staring at each other for hours at a time.

 He will enjoy the company of others and be most comfortable spending time in small talk with anyone who drops in.  Of the three types, he is the one who will be most liked by everyone.

Since the other two types can be described as "untreated bipolar man" and "narcissistic tyrant", you have to admit the bar is set very, very low. 

Your Priest will always be in demand.  People everywhere need him to fix a car, build a house, set up their computer, figure out what's wrong with their phone, heal them of cancer, and the list goes on and on.  You begin to wonder if you will ever have him all to yourself.  The answer is, no.  He belongs to the people.  When you need that special time alone, take a vacation, and leave the cell phone at home.

That's great advice.  My husband and I are still working out how to balance enough time for the two of us with the demands of a farm.

This type of man does not focus on the eternal picture, nor is he looking through a microscope at the details, but he does respect both views as important.  His vision is as a man seeing life just as it is.  He can shift his sights to the sky and know there is more up there than he can see, and he wonders about it; or he can stare into a muddy pond and appreciate that there is a whole world in there that he knows nothing about. 

Debi has moments of wonderful writing.  I wish she'd be able to use this talent more and attack women less.

Building on that, your Priestly man stand at the muddy pond and snap a picture of turtle he picked up from the middle of a busy road.  Gently setting the turtle in the water, he'll smile as the turtle swims away into its new home.

We named this one "Little Snappy".


A Priestly man will not waste money nor take reckless chances.  If you marry this type of man he will never make you feel insecure, although, he might be tight fisted when you want to spend money.

A man who is responsible with money is a good partner.  I'm guessing with a "Steady" man who is tight-fisted a few talks about how each person views money would go a long way to smoothing over married life.

Debi spends the next few pages yammering on about the importance of wisdom.  To save you from some really bad writing, let me summarize her three step method - cribbed from the Bible, of course!

Step One: Read the Bible.
Step Two: Pray for wisdom.
Step Three: God gives you wisdom.

I doubt life is that simple.

Adieu to the tranquility of Steady/Priestly Men.  In the next post, we begin "How to Enable Your Abuser God's Way! Kingly Men."

AntiPearl:  Absurdly cute calf picture!  All of our calves are cute, but sometimes we get one that is ridiculously cute.



Saturday, July 19, 2014

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: The Priest - Part Three

In the next installment on Priestly Men, Debi paints picture of what life for the wife of a Priestly Man is like with a huge interruption by a Visionary Man on a side note. 

The key is to know you man.  In what image has God created him?  You, as his help meet, will need to  learn to conform to your man.  God's Word says, in Hebrews 13:8,  "Jesus Christ the same yesterday, today and forever."

On the 90's TV show Animanics, there was a reoccurring segment called "The Wheel of Morality".  The characters would pull out a giant game-show wheel, spin it and read a canned moral that printed off.

I'm pretty sure Debi uses the same wheel for her Bible quotes.  I have no idea why, how or by what rationale Debi (or Mike) decided that Hebrews 13:8 supported the preceding idea.


This is going to sound different, but many of these "nice" men prefer their wives to show some initiative.  A Kingly man tells you what to do and how to serve him, and a Prophet wants you to do what he is doing.  But if you marry a Priestly Man, he will want you to walk beside him, yet grow in your won right before God and man.

Actually, the vast majority of men and women want their spouses to grow while walking besides them.  That's a healthy marriage.

Priestly men like their wives to be involved in business.  He will be proud of your accomplishments.  He will want you to use your natural skills, abilities, and drives.  Your achievements will be an honor to him, but if you are lazy or slothful it will greatly discourage him.

In other words, women can receive advanced education and a career!  Sweet!

The sentence about lazy/slothful would better be addressed to Visionary men in my opinion.

All men dislike for their wives to waste time or money. Silly behavior weighs heavily on a young husband, robbing him of his pride and pleasure in his new wife. A Priestly Man really values a resourceful, hardworking woman who shows dignity and honor.  It is very important to the Priestly Man that his wife be self-sufficient in all the tasks of daily living.  If you marry a Priest you will be urged to explore your own creative genius.

Notice how Debi makes a new wife sound like a new toy for a small child.  "Be careful or you'll mess the paint up!"  

On a unrelated note, most people like spouses to be self-sufficient in the daily tasks of living barring an accident or disability.  

[Note from Visionary Man:] Men can be a little weird about money.  For many men there is a direct link between their productivity and their self-worth.  Money, with its numerical value, is a concrete measure of productivity.  This is why, when a girlfriend or wife flippantly spends her guy's hard-earned money, it can be hard on the fellow.  He'll feel cheated and belittled that you hold such small regard for the result of his effort and time.  Whenever you buy something, it shows the man that you equate that item to that much of his life (which is his time), and he may mentally calculate the exact number of hours he had to work to cover that superfluous item.)

Why is the Visionary Man popping up in the middle of the Priestly chapter?   The more 'insights' I read from Visionary Man the more I think he needs to seek therapy quickly.  

I don't know why a girlfriend would be spending a guy's money, so I'm going to focus on a wife.  When you marry, barring a pre-nup, cash assets belong to both spouses.  There are lots and lots of systems that couples use to manage household finances.  The one that the Visionary Man describes is extremely toxic.  In VisionaryWorld, the man works for cash and gets to look over his wife's shoulder when she makes purchases.  If he doesn't like what she's buying (ie "flippantly spends"), he gets to pitch a fit.

Your wife is a partner, not a dependent child.

Let's say the wife is staying at home and running the house without children around.  In my area, house-cleaners make between $10-15 per hour.  Hiring a chef is around $20 per hour.  I have no idea what a personal shopper would cost but I can't imagine it's less than $10 per hour.  If the husband is that money obsessed,   he needs to look at how much his wife is saving by running the household before climbing up on to his high horse.

Start today learning how to pay bills, make appointments, and entertain guests with a competence that will bring satisfaction to your husband-to-be.

Well, that will take about 5 minutes total.  None of those things are hard.

  Your hobbies should be creative and useful so that you learn things that will help you teach your children.

A great hobby for a future home-schooling mom would be a college education in elementary education or secondary education in math and science!  Go for it, ladies!

 If you are busy and productive now, so you will be when you are married.  Your skills and achievements will be your husband's resume.  

I don't think Debi/Mike know what a resume is........

When those on the outside take note of your wisdom and competence, it will reflect well upon your husband. 

Or make people wonder how a nice woman like you ended up with a lazy, slothful lunatic.  Just saying.

At the end of the day, your Priestly husband will enjoy weighing what he has accomplished with what you have accomplished and will rejoice in the value of having a worthy partner in the grace of life. 

The sad part of this quote is that this is the first time Debi has admitted that spouses should appreciate their partner.


Thursday, July 17, 2014

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: The Priest - Part Two

In this installment, Debi struggles to create 'down sides' for the Steady/Priestly Man.  She manages to find one problem that might cause actual problems and makes-up three others that are really tame compared to the hell of being married to a Prophet or a King.

Oh, but Debi does figure out how to rag on women.


The down side to the Priestly natured man is the irritation his very steadiness produces in an impatient, romantic woman needing a little reckless adventure to spice up her life.

So?  If you need adventure, go on an adventure.

As the wife of a Steady/Priestly man, I've found a little bit of adventure to be important to the health of our marriage.  When we get into a rut, I plan a short day trip or an overnight trip to a nearby location.  We come back refreshed and ready to get back to work.  I also have a stash of "emergency" Lego kits if my husband has had a rough day.  (He keeps a stash of pictures of calves, kittens and turtles on his phone if I'm having a rough day.  A good marriage works in both directions.)

This type of man is steady and cautious, and for a spoiled young girl it is hard to see his worth and readily honor him.  He almost seems old when he is still young.  He seems to just let people use him.  His strength is being a people person.  Everyone will like him, enjoy his easy manner, and feel comfortable around him; they will not feel judged or ignored by him.  He will like helping others, having his home open to casual get-togethers and visiting around. 

An adult man helps others rather than using them to further his goals in life?  That's just crazy talk, Debi.  (/snark)

 A good wife will make herself conform to his gifts.  She will use her time to make her home a pleasant place to gather.  She will learn to cook for groups and become a gracious hostess.  Her strength and ministry will be hospitality.  This will bring him honor.  All of this sounds simple, but for most couples it's not.

What's the hard part of having a pleasant home, cooking for groups and being a good hostess?  Yes, each of those takes work and some practice, but we're not talking about DIY brain surgery.

His even nature keeps him from flamboyant emotional displays that you might see in the Prophet type.  His lack of fervent religious expression will provoke his wife into judging him as unspiritual.  Wives are blinded by the church's standard of the 'spiritual man' and become critical of their new husbands.

I think this will rock Debi's world: I don't trust flamboyant emotional displays and put little stock in fervent religious expression.  

People can fake both very, very easily.

I'll take a honest sharing of emotions and a life grounded in a value system, thanks.

The steady Priest natured man is content to take a long time in making critical decisions.  He tends to be more cautious that the Prophet  type.  An impatient young wife often finds it difficult to quietly wait for him to make up his mind.  In her agitation she leaks criticism, which tears at his confidence and makes him more cautious and noncommittal.  He just wants peace, to be left alone to do his daily routine and enjoy the company of people who are not all fired up, passionate or critical.

Here's the one (potential) problem and Debi's advice is pretty good if you allow both spouses some wiggle room.

 In every marriage, one person is going to make decisions more slowly than the other person. 

If you are the person who can make lightning-fast decisions, recognize that the other person has the right to take a reasonable amount of time to make up their mind.  Do not pressure the other person - it is counter-productive and mean.

If you are the slower decision maker, recognize that your spouse will be more at ease if they know roughly how long you think it will take you to make the decision.  If you need a few days, let your partner know.  

Are you controlling?

Nope.  Moving on.

What can you do now to change your attitude so that you are not guilty of trying to revamp what God designed?

*Snorts derisively* 

Nice use of "GOD'S DIVINE PLAN" as a guilt trip.  Too bad you couldn't back it up with a Bible verse.

Girl, you hope to be God's gift to some young man, but know that you come unassembled, just as he does. You will not bring to marriage all the skills necessary to make it into a fairytale come true.  

Whoa.  Both of the spouses come into a marriage less than perfect, according to Debi.  That's surprisingly...modern...of her.  

It's a true point, too.  Marriage is a lot of work and requires both partners to bend and give at different times.

You must be humble enough to bend and merge into your new identity.  When you come to understand men as God created them to be, you will not waste your marriage trying to change your new husband into what you think he should be.

And we're back to the 1950's guilt-trip of women theme.  I'm humble enough to assume that I don't understand God's plan for my husband or myself.  I'm confident enough to assume that I can help my husband grow and change as he helps me grow and change.

[Note from Steady Man] That's a very good point about fairytales.  Notice how fairytales are never about marriage; they're always about whirlwind romantic courtships.  They cover a few years, then conclude with an "ever after" that, in reality, lasts ten times longer than the fairytale did.  Fairytales are very poor indeed at equipping a girl for a marriage that will compromise most of her years.

Fairy tales (which is usually two words) are awful at preparing anyone for real life.  They're great for keeping kids occupied - which is what most people use them for today.

Of course, Micheal Pearl probably read his daughters the story of Patient Griselda every day when they were children.


AntiPearl: Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.