Preparing to Be a Help Meet: The Priest - Part 1

I like this chapter - especially compared to the Visionary Man chapter and the King chapter.  The Priest/Steady Man seems to be a nice, calm, down-to-earth kind of guy.  
Most of the chapter focuses on explaining additional negatives about being married to a Prophet or King because if you are reading her book you should be preparing for marriage to a lunatic.  You have been warned.

Moral to the Story: The wife of a Priest-type needs to be active helping others as her husband is.  This will bring him honor.

Remember, girls, following God NEVER plays into your life choices.  All honor goes to your husband.

A Caution: A Priest's desire is to please.  Your impatience or unthankfulness can destroy his vision for serving others, as well as destroy your health.

Debi never comes back to how a wife's impatience or unthankfulness can cause a Priestly-man to throw in the towel or how it will destroy the wife's health.  No weird anecdotes.  No tortured Bible quotes. Nothing but this random caution at the beginning of the chapter.  

Hmm.  A healthy, mature man can handle his wife having 'negative' emotions without going crazy.

Bible students recognize that in the Godhead Jesus is the Priest.  His ministry on earth was mostly priestly, and to a lesser degree, prophet.  But one day he will come back to earth as king, thus fulfilling all three roles and manifesting the complete image of God.

*Closes eyes for a few minutes*
The theology in this book is so weird.  I feel like I'm reading a Mad Lib rather than an actual theological idea or framework.

One God.  Three manifestations: God the Father, God the Son and the Holy Spirit.  NO ROLES.  There is no complete image of God because God is beyond all images.

You may marry a man that is priestly in nature.  He will be the most steady and easygoing of the three types, not given to extremes.  The steady nature of the Priest type is reflected in his tendency not to make snap decisions or spend his last dime on a new idea; nor does he try to tell other people what to do.  He avoids controversy. He doesn't invent the light bulb like the Prophet, but he will be the one to build the factory and mange the assembly line that produces the light bulb and the airplane.  He would never lead a revolution against the government or the church.  He will quietly ignore hypocrisy in others.

Debi describes the Priestly-man mainly in his differences from the Prophet (the archetype of severe ADHD?) and the King (Narcissism).  

Allow me to re-write this paragraph in terms of the actual qualities of a Priestly/Steady Man.

• He makes decisions prudently.
• He treats others with respect.
• He doesn't cause problems for the sake of causing problems.
• He can follow through on projects for the long-term time scale.
• He allows others to make mistakes without throwing the mistakes back in their face.

I don't know that a Priestly/Steady Man would always avoid conflict or a revolution.   I'd be more willing to follow a person with Priestly/Steady categories into a fray than a Prophet or a King since the Priestly sort would cause dissension only after exhausting all other options.

Regardless, these are great qualities in a spouse.  LOOK FOR THESE QUALITIES.
  As a general rule, he will be faithful till the day he dies in the same bed he has slept in for the last 40 or 50 years.  This man is content with the wife of his youth.

Did Debi imply that Prophets and Kings will cheat on their wives?   

If you marry one of these steady, Priest-natured men, your new husband will never put undue pressure on you to perform miracles.  He will not expect you to be his servant like a King type would.  You will not have to spend your days putting out emotional fires like you would if you married a Prophet type.  You will rarely feel hurried, pushed, pressured or forced. 

Debi has made being married to a Prophet/King sound even worse than before.  If you are in a relationship that sounds like the paragraph above, please seek professional counseling and get some referrals to good family lawyers.

 The women married to the Prophet look at you in wonder that your husband seems so balanced and stable. 

That's because a Priestly/ Steady Man is balanced and stable.

 The wife of the Kingly Man marvels at the free time you will have.

Not being expected to be a servant does free up a lot of time and energy.

I'm going to stop here for today.  Next time, Debi explains how being an immature woman can make you appreciate a Priestly/Steady man less.

AntiPearl:  Everybody can be great. Because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve.... You don't have to know the second theory of thermodynamics in physics to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.”

Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968); Minister, Civil Rights Activist

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: The Prophet - Part 5

Ah....

The last section on the Prophet begins.  Debi, prophetically, informs us of how in-laws will destroy your marriage.  

Having the blessing and guidance of parents is priceless for many reasons.

The fact that Debi home-schooled her children terrifies me.  With the topic sentence above, a reader would expect to the author to explain why the blessing and guidance of parents is useful.  

There is NOTHING in this chapter that supports that sentence.  ZIP. ZERO. NADA.

It's a dangling thesis.

  You are embarking on a new life-start it right.  Once married, the Scripture teaches: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh." (Genesis 2:24)  

Gotcha.  Note the subject of the sentence is "a man." Debi spends the rest of the chapter bashing women although I can't imagine anyone being surprised by that.

When you marry, your father will give you away in marriage.  You will belong to another.  

No. No.
In the Catholic Church, no one gives anyone away.  Theoretically, all of the parents enter through the main aisle, then the bridal couple enters the sanctuary together.  In the USA, most women are walked down the aisle by their father and/or mother, but that is a cultural construct that happens before the actual ceremony begins.

My dad walked me down the aisle.  I know that he had been looking forward to that since I was a baby.  Dad's a very good man and an excellent father and I was happy to walk with him down the aisle.  Dad hugged me, hugged Nico and went to sit by my mom.  There was no hand-off that I remember - just tons of hugs.

On that same note, Nico asked my mom and dad for their blessing before he asked me to marry him.  Blessing NOT permission.  Why?

A. Nico planned to ask me to marry him even if my parents said no. After all, I was not the property of my parents.

B. Nico knew if he asked for my parents' permission, they would have said no because they wouldn't want me to marry someone who viewed me as a piece of property. 

C. If I had ever found out that he had asked for permission, I wouldn't have married him.  I'm not a piece of property.

I don't "belong" to my husband.  I promised to be true to him in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, and to love and honor him all the days of my life.  In other words, I vowed to be his wife.

If you marry a Prophet-type man, this verse of Scripture will take on much greater significance.  Here's why.  If your mother has a gentle spirit, she will have a very difficult time understanding your 'crazy' husband.  Her gentle heart has always been "never to offend anyone" regardless of his or her error, but if your husband has the heart of a prophet he will be standing on truth "no matter whose toes I tromp!"  Poor, kind, Mama... it will take her a while (probably after the third child) to come to appreciate this MAN who reigns as leader of you and your home.

Question: Did the Prophet-type man act like a jerk towards his future in-laws during the courtship process?

If the answer is no: Shouldn't we be more afraid about how easy it is to snowball the parents during the courtship process?

If the answer is yes: Why would you marry your daughter off to a disrespectful jerk?

Either way: Dating sounds better and better.

God, in his great wisdom, knew how dismayed sweet-hearted mama would be; hence he gave instructions to Adam when Eve and, by extension, to all couples thereafter, as we find repeated in the books of Matthew, Mark and Ephesians.  The need for observing this precept is revealed in Mark 10:4-8. "And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away.  And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness for your heart he wrote you this precept.  But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.  For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh."

*Blinks rapidly*

 I've read the first sentence 10 times and it still doesn't make sense.  I think a chunk was left out between "Adam when Eve and _____________"  That is EXACTLY how it is written in the book.

I was curious why Debi alluded to three sets of instructions in Mark, Matthew and Ephesians, but only wrote out the quote from Mark.  Since the verses that parallel Genesis only cover Mark 10: 6-8, I figured that the portion about divorce in Mark 10:4-5 was important to the point Debi was making.

Silly me.

Matthew 19:1-12 is similar to Mark 10:6-8 but not identical.  Matthew allows for divorce when sexual immorality occurs AND states that some people would be better off single and abstaining from sex rather than married.   I guess Debi didn't want to open that can of worms since I can't see her writing a book called "Called to NOT be a Help Meet: Being Your Own Woman."

I got really confused when I tried to run a search for the term "divorce" in Ephesians because since Ephesians never mentions divorce.

I got a much better result when I ran "marriage".

Ephesians 5:31 is a literal quote (with quotation marks and everything) of Genesis 2:24.  Another amazing scholarly breakthrough by the Pearls!  The writer of Ephesians had read Genesis!

Oh, wait.  We knew that already.  

That's 10 minutes of my life I'm never getting back.

In our ministry we receive thousands of letters seeking help for hurting marriages.  Many issues could instantly be solved if both the man and his new bride obeyed the simple rule of leaving and cleaving.

It's important for a newly married couple to create their own life together separate from their families of origin.  Yes, failure to do so can cause serious problems.  "Leave and cleave" isn't an instant fix, though.  The problems are usually deeper and more complicated than that.

 There are good reasons why the term mother-in-law evokes negative thoughts in the minds of many.

I'm insulted on behalf of my mother-in-law who is a great lady and on behalf of my mom who is also a great mother-in-law.

I just realized that for 5 poor souls....DEBI IS THEIR MOTHER-IN-LAW!

*shudders convulsively*

  Once you marry, your honor and allegiance belongs to your man.  

How does my honor belong to my husband?  What does that even mean?
Of course, you will probably forget what is written here...so I have an idea to help you keep this important bit of information ready for your coming day:

Yes, Debi.  We have the brainpower of a small newt.  That's why we're reading your books instead of reading something useful.

The Scroll

Take a sheet of pretty paper and write a commitment: "I, ___________, make a commitment this day, _______, to honor, reverence and obey my Prophet/Visionary husband for the man he is.  I will appreciate his dreams; I will not listen to anyone bad mouthing him, and I will remember that I am his help meet to stand with him in all that he wants to accomplish." etc.

Roll your document and tie it with a ribbon, the store it away in your Treasure Chest.  If you do marry one of these rascally Prophet types...this rolled-up, written commitment might save your husband a whole lot of irritation.

OH. HELL. NO.

When I was young, my mom worked in Loss Prevention. A point she drove home over and over: Never sign a blank check.  

That tidy little scroll may save your alleged future husband some irritation, but no woman should blindly promise to obey anyone.

EVER.

AntiPearl:

I know my mother-in-law would drive two hours to go see a movie that I'm in.

Melanie Lynskey

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: The Prophet - Part 4c

Finally, at long last, Debi graces us with actual tips on how to live with a Prophet/Visionary man.

If you marry a Visionary Man, learn to enjoy the trip, for if he ever makes a better light bulb, he will want you to be the one who turns it on for the first time in public.  It will be your face he looks into to see the marvel of what a great thing he has done.  You are his most important fan.  When you know your man really needs you, you can be happy with just about anything.

Start taking acting classes, ladies!  Remember, you need to look enthusiastic even if the invention/idea is absolutely awful.  If you keep acting long enough, you might even believe it yourself!

Prophet/Visionary Man will not notice what he eats, so don't be offended when he doesn't seem to appreciate your fine cooking.  

Sweet!  I read this as an explicit permission from Debi to order pizza regularly.

What he does appreciate is your interest in his present project - not your opinion or even your input - just the light in your eyes as you listen to him tell his newest wild idea.

Um.  So wives just need to sit there and look glowingly at EVERY idea.... got it.

Prophet/Visionary Man will talk and talk and talk to his honey if she approves of him.  He will be subjective, thinking about feelings, moods and spiritual insights.  One of his greatest needs will be for his wife to think objectively (proven truth) and use common sense, which will help keep his feet from flying too far from the solid ground.

Now, when I think of Visionary/Prophet men, I think of guys like Hal from Malcolm in the Middle.  Hal is a genuinely nice, kind husband and father who has some totally insane ideas.   His wife, Lois, lets him go crazy on ideas that are harmless and stops ideas that will bankrupt the family.  Debi should watch a few episodes of Malcolm in the Middle to learn a different way of dealing with her husband.

Every small issue will become mind-consuming, and he will need his wife to casually talk about the big picture and the possible end results of relationships, finances, or health if he continues to totally focus on his present interest.  His sweetheart needs to stay in a positive state of mind, yet not jump into his make-believe world, trying to be too much of a cheerleader on dead-end issues.  Let him burn out on things that are not wise, but don't throw water on his fire.  Let him find his own balance through bumping into hard realities.

Wow.  That is really vague and contradictory advice.  Debi's advice is:

1. Tiptoe around major issues that the Prophet's current obsession might bring up.
2. Be a cheerleader but not too much of a cheerleader. (After all, he doesn't want your input or opinion...just unquestioning fawning.)
3. Let him make mistakes - even huge ones - but don't let him get discouraged.

Here's my advice:

1. Have an honest conversation about probable outcomes of a potential scheme.
2. Show excitement if you are really excited.  Don't fake it; that's insulting to yourself and your spouse.
3. If you have concerns, bring up the concerns and expect your spouse to listen thoughtfully to those issues.
4. You have veto power in any major decisions involving finances, health, family, moving and career changes.  

Prophet/ Visionary Man's focus is so intense that matters can easily be blown out of proportion.  A wife must guard against negative conversation about people.  An idle conversation by her can bring about the end of a life-long friendship.  This is true with all men, but especially so with a Prophet.  By beginning before you marry, you can learn not to be instrumental to Satan's arsenal in sending fiery darts to your husband.

If an adult man can't discriminate between his spouse blowing off steam and talking about a real problem that can end a friendship, then that man should not marry or have friends.  It's just too hard for him.

Anyone else notice that we've been given a reprieve from heavy-handed Bible verses?  Debi has lots of vaguely religious imagery, but no actual Bible quotes since she's making this part up as she goes.

A Prophet-natured man, with his tunnel vision, might spend money unwisely, leaving his wife feeling insecure.  To stay happy with this man, you must remember that your treasure is not of this world.  Treasure your husband and children and don't mourn the loss of monetary things.

In other words: Only worldly people care about making sure that their children have enough food to eat when they move into the middle of nowhere.  After all, it's not like parents have any sort of responsibility to their children, right?

Prophet/Visionary Man needs a lady who does not take offense easily.  She needs to be tough.  He needs his lady to be full of life and joy.  His lady will need to tuck in that quivering lip, square those shoulders and put on that smile.

For the love of God, do not show how his reckless ways affect your family!  Your job is to enable his out-of-control ways.  The best way to do that is to stuff all your emotions deep down inside and NEVER let them out.

Sounds like a marriage made in heaven....or by those angels.

One last post in this chapter ahead: How to deal with your in-laws.

AntiPearl: Phase 2 of the system Hal and Lois have created to deal with Hal's great ideas.

(Backstory: Hal has taken up "Jump, Jump, Dance" which is a spoof on "Dance Dance Revolution.  He's obsessed.  Hal and a friend, Craig, are practicing an entire dance routine in the middle of Hal's living room when Lois comes in dressed in a bathrobe)

Hal: These dance shoes have really helped my Kick Turns. 
Totally worth the $150.

Lois: Hal.

Craig: Oh-oh, here comes Yoko.

Lois: It’s five o’clock in the morning. You’ve been up all night.

Hal: Honey, I know you think this is silly, and that I’ve just gone off the deep end again, but this isn’t like the other times. I have a gift, Lois. And it would be wrong for me to turn my back on that.

Lois: Right. I see we’ve entered phase two. Which is fine, as long as you follow the rules.  You have to go to work. You have to eat.   You cannot involve the children. 

Hal: And you’re freezing the joint account.


Lois: Did it last week. Goodnight Fred. Ginger.

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: The Prophet - Part 4b

I'm gonna keep slogging through this chapter.

He will easily pick up and relocated without any idea of what he is going to do for a living at the new location.

That ended really well for the Pearls.

In his zeal for the truth, he may end up splitting the church.  He may be fanatical in his demand for doctrinal purity and proper dress and conduct.  Like a prophet, he will call people to task for their inconsistencies

I'm descended on both sides from a long line of stubborn opinionated people.
We have our quirks, but we've never split a local church apart in order to bring everyone to the truth.  Plus, if your children are hungry, doctrinal purity should drop to the bottom of the list of important topics.

Seriously.  Do not marry a person like this unless you enjoy poverty, loneliness and drama.

I am sure it was men of this caliber who conquered the Wild West.  They would have been the mountain men and explorers, going over the next mountain in search of knowledge and adventure. They would not be farmers who settled in one spot.

This reminded me of the less heroic stories that came from European expansion across the Plains.  I'm remembering stories of families whose husband was described as a 'drifter' or 'wild one'.  The family would start  farming somewhere with decent land.  The family would start having bad crop years which the husband blamed on bad land while the neighbors blamed it on the husband's sloth or incompetence.  The father would hear about better land in some western state, sell out the farm and move.  The cycle would repeat from the crop failures over and over again. 

It never ended well for the family.

Often the difference between a productive Prophet and a destructive Prophet is a good, supportive, stable woman.An unwise wife with negative words can turn a Prophet into an antichrist, an inventor into a destroyer.  Every...I say every Prophet needs a good, wise, prudent, stable wife who has a positive outlook on life.

Oh, great!  If your husband is a crazed lunatic, it's YOUR fault.

No, I don't buy that at all.  

Come to think of it, my husband is a little like a Prophet. [She then repeats the house = scraps = trailer = cows story, but removes the details.]

Debi, your husband is an abusive, narcissistic psychopath.  We'll learn more about those types in the King chapter, I know, but let's not kid ourselves. 

Your husband has never been counted among the 'productive' Prophets and never will be.

Greatness is a state of soul, not certain accomplishments.  Thomas Edison was great after his 999th failure to make a light bulb, though not recognized as such. The Wright brothers were great when they neglected their  lucrative occupation of fixing bicycles and 'wasted time' trying to get one of them to fly.  If the light bulb had never worked and the plane had never flown, and no one remembered their names today, they would have been the same men, and their lives would have been just as full and their days just as challenging.  Did Edison's wife think him great when he used his last dime on another failed idea?  If she didn't, just think of what she missed.

*slow claps*

Nice punt attempt, Debi.  Too bad it went out-of-bounds.

Edison had TWO wives - which is obvious from a cursory search on Wikipedia.  I'm assuming from a series of Rutgers articles on the subject that Debi is talking about his first wife Mary.  His financial troubles didn't come from his experimentation - that was completed by 1879.  His financial troubles came from trying to defend his patent - which took until 1889 to get straightened out - and prevented him from moving forward on producing the light bulb.
Who knows what Mary thought about the light bulb fiasco?  It's hard to say since Mary died in 1884 - and most likely was far more disturbed by the idea of leaving her three children under the age of 13 than anything about the light bulbs.

His second wife Mina also complained about Edison's long hours away from the house.

Why are we using Mary and Mina Edison as examples again?  

In a canny move, Edison teamed up with the British inventor who had a pre-existing patent for a similar light bulb to prevent an additional patent war.

Does that sound like a man who would tear a church apart over doctrinal purity?

What about the Wright brothers' wives?  Oh, wait.  They never married.


The Prophet man needs his woman's support, and he will appreciate it when it is freely given.  Without her, he feels alone.

Spouses like getting support from each other.  This is not ground-breaking news - or limited to Prophet-types.

This guy will be a little hard to live with at first.  Big, wild fights are the usual beginnings if a nice, normal girls marries one of  "the weird ones".

No.  That's NOT normal.  If you are in a relationship that has 'big, wild fights', please seek professional guidance from a licensed therapist.

Best case scenario is that you both learn better communication skills and enjoy a long, mostly happy, married life.  

Worst case scenario is that you married Michael Pearl and need to extract yourself ASAP. 

Either way, get help. 

I had really hoped I could finish off this topic in two posts, but Debi's got some bizarre pieces of advice in the next section and they deserve their own post....

AntiPearl: An actual Thomas Edison quote - "Genius is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration."

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: The Prophet - Part 4a

In this chapter, we get a series of stories and anecdotes about what living with a Prophet/Visionary Man is like.  I am certain 90% of these stories come from Debi's actual life with Mike Pearl...and that's depressing.

I'm just going to go sequentially from the beginning of the chapter where Debi has spoken about how an unbalanced Prophet/Visionary Man can get the whole family upset over issues.

You will hear them going on and on about issues like whether or not we should celebrate Christmas.  Should we accept a license from the state?  Should a Christian opt out of the Social Security system?  Why go to a doctor? No birth control!

Many opinionated people go through a phase like that.  I remember when I was a new teacher going out to a local watering hole after work with friends and having wonderfully heated arguments about minor life issues.

I still enjoy having conversations like that. 

The important bit, though, is that you need to be able to turn off the academic, pedantic arguing side of yourself when it comes to real-life decisions like getting medical care or opting out of Social Security.   When the stakes are high, rhetoric needs to stop.

If you marry one of these wild-headed fellows, expect to be rich or poor, rarely middle class. 

Another moment of truth from Debi.  Keep that in mind that if you follow her advice, you will be poor.  

He may invest everything in a chance and lose it all, or make a fortune.  He will not do well working 8:00 to 5:00  in the same place for thirty years, then retiring to live the good life.  If he works a regular job, he may either not show up half the time or he will work like a maniac 80 hours a week and love every minute.

Reality check:

1. If your spouse is wiling to risk EVERYTHING, be sure YOU are comfortable risking everything.  In Debi's world, the wife is going to have to pick up the slack - and since women have no real marketable skills in CP/QF, that means you better enjoy grinding poverty that never lets up.
2. If you work at a "regular" job and only show up half the time, you will not have that job for long.  
3. Question deeply why someone cannot hold a job or is a repeated, epic failure at entrepreneurship.  I dated a man who kept losing jobs - even jobs that "no one had ever gotten fired from before" in the pointed words of a mutual friend.  After a brutal break-up, I realized that I had been deeply in denial about how severe his depression was and was ignoring the fact he was an alcoholic.   That relationship hurt me and I needed to spend a lot of time working on looking for red-flags.  Thank God I didn't marry him.
4. Work-life balance is important.  Be sure you understand what an 80-hour work week looks like - and that you can handle being alone much of the time.

Now we get a real-life story that I am sure comes from Debi's life:

He may purchase an alligator farm in Florida or a ski resort in Colorado, or he may buy an old house trailer for $150 with hopes of fixing it up and selling it for $10,000, only to find that it is so deteriorated that it can't be moved.  He will then have his wife and all the kids help him tear off the top and carry the scraps to the dump, saving the appliances in the already crowded garage, so he can make a farm trailer out of the axles. 

*Laughs and laughs and laughs*

Seriously!?!    

If your husband comes home with a plan that nets 6500% profit in real-estate, be sure you have the property appraised before you buy.  Be sure that you can move the house safely before you fork the money over.  

Good idea on keeping the appliances - if they work. You might recoup the $150 that way.   I'd have asked if the local fire department wanted to burn the trailer as a practice drill before tearing it apart - you'd save the money on the gasoline used to haul the scraps and the time of ripping it apart.

How exactly is he going to make a farm trailer out of the axles?  My husband and I agree that it is theoretically possible, but you'd need welding equipment and welding skills plus sheet metal. 

Now that he has a farm trailer and no animals, expect him to get a deal on three, old, sick cows and .... he may never be rich in money, but he will be rich in experience.

*Thumps head against desk repeatedly*

I live on a dairy farm.  Take a wild guess what is the least important piece of equipment on a small farm.  If you guessed "farm trailer", congratulations!  You are smarter than Mike Pearl!

Interesting fact: "Old, sick cows" don't live long enough to be sold - even to your gullible neighbor.   Once a cow is "old" (which is usually after her 3rd lactation or 6 years of age), an illness will kill the cow in really short order.  The older cows just don't have that much metabolic reserve left.

So how did the Pearls end up with three "old, sick cows"?  I have a theory.  Their oldest daughter, Rebekah, recounts: 

When my family first moved near the Amish community in TN, I was 14 years old. The first winter we had cabbage, wheat, raw milk, and canned cat food or poor quality tuna (the cans were missing labels when we bought them and we couldn't tell for sure if it was cat food or tuna.) 

Imagine you are the neighbor of this new family.  A family of 7 move in nearby and are clearly in bad financial straits.  They've got nothing and the kids are looking too skinny already.   The husband is a jerk, but the wife seems reasonably intelligent and you remember what it was like being a hungry child.  You have a good size dairy herd and had a few low producing cows that you were planning to sell out of the herd once their milk production dropped anyways.  (A low-producing cow can still easily produce plenty of milk for family use for really long periods of time.) The wife could probably figure out how to sell some of the extra milk or make cheese or something.  The family could graze the cows on their land during the warm months and you can find something for the kids to do on your farm to 'earn' enough to cover forage during the cold months.  All you need to do now is figure out a way to get the family the cows without hurting their pride because pride might be the only thing they have left right now.  You offer the jerk of a husband a deal on your 'old, sick cows" and drop off food when you can.

Why didn't the neighbors call CPS?  I don't know.  If they were Amish, they may not have known about CPS.  Even the "English" neighbors may not have known that not having food for your children is neglect...I don't know.  I wish they had called CPS.  But I am glad that the Pearl kids got that milk.

AntiPearl:

A man is called selfish not for pursuing his own good, but for neglecting his neighbor's.

Richard Whately

Preparing to Be A Help Meet: The Prophet - Part 3

Last time, I gathered up all of the general descriptions of Prophet / Visionary Men that Debi sprinkled through Chapter 3.  Now, we get to move on to the specific examples of what life with a Prophet/Visionary Man is like according to Debi.

The Prophet type will make a great boyfriend because he will focus totally on his sweetie.  He will be very romantic, giving you flowers and gifts.  If you catch the heart of a Prophet you will be his consuming passion, his greatest challenge, his dream come true.  

In other words, the Prophet is in love with being in love with you.  That's not a great foundation for marriage.

A few weeks after marriage, though, his focus will turn to other challenges.  As his new bride you will feel abandoned.

Sounds lovely.  Debi sure knows how to make marriage sound appealing, doesn't she?

It is important for all girls to understand this great truth regardless of what type you marry: You need a life, a vibrant life, before your man comes on the scene.  A clingy useless wife that lacks drive, goals, ambitions or dreams is just that - useless.  Right now, do you have a life with purpose?

I wholeheartedly agree with Debi that women need a life with drive, goals, ambitions and dreams.  The difference between Debi and I is that I believe that all married women can still have their own drive, goals, ambitions and dreams.  For Debi, autonomy for women ends at the wedding if you marry a Prophet or a King.  (There's a nice little loop-hole:  Marry a Priest-type man.)

[Side note from the Visionary Man] A girl who lives a static life of waiting to be married is not attractive.  Think what it conveys: "I'll just sit here idly while waiting for someone to come and give me a purpose, and a house and money and food and make me happy and love me."  It's very needy.  A man wants a companion, not a sympathy case.

Oh, wise Visionary Man, please wander down off your mountain and grace us with the answer to one, tiny, insignificant question:  What do you want her to do in the meantime?

She can't go to a real college; she can't work outside the home in a meaningful way; she can't date; she can't pursue a career; she can't move out on your own.  Working as a nanny / junior teacher / housemaid at home is agonizingly boring.

If you want to marry someone more interesting, Visionary Man, give women a chance to grow.  If you want to control their lives absolutely, don't whine when your wife isn't perfect - you are not attractive when you whine.

Jerk.

Back to Debi.

[If you have a life], then when your new Prophet/Visionary husband suddenly becomes focused on some strange, new, driving project, your life will go on smoothly and happily.  Of course, as a wife you will still need to be ready to "ooh and aah" when he does come back to share his new vision with you.

What a terribly disjointed life.  A new wife follows whatever she's interested in, drops it when her new husband wants her attention, then takes it back up when his attention drifts off again.
Notice Debi never recommends that the husband make any sort of effort to connect with his wife.

When he does turn his attention back to you all the other wives will be jealous, for you will have the most romantic man around.

That's a truly pathetic prize to dangle out in front of a struggling young wife:  "Hey, don't feel bad - when your husband gets around to noticing you, the other wives will be jealous."  Whoop - de - fricking - doo - dah.

In (sic) you are fortunate enough to catch the attention of a Prophet/Visionary guy, you will never be bored.  In fact, you should be just a little bit reckless and blind in one eye if you are going to enjoy the ride.  If you end up with one of these guys, you need to learn two important things: learn how to be flexible, and learn how to always be loyal to your man.  You will be amazed how much happier you will be and how much fun life can be if you learn to go with the flow - his flow.  Life becomes an adventure.

But is the adventure worth the price?  Debi tells us some real life stories in the next installment of Chapter 3.

AntiPearl:
No partner in a love relationship should feel that he has to give up an essential part of himself to make it viable.

May Sarton

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: The Prophet - Part 2

In the next three chapters, I am covering portions of the chapter out of order because the information in each chapter is written in a chaotic style that zips about like a hummingbird in a hurricane.
In the last post, Debi dragged us through a theological swamp to explain how all men are created in one of three types which mimic the three-persons of the Trinity.  Today, we get to learn how The Prophet/Visionary Man / Holy Spirit's image on Earth works.

GOD IS A PROPHET AS SEEN IN HIS PERSON, THE HOLY SPIRIT.

*stares blankly at the screen and reads the written portion aloud repeatedly*

A prophet is a human person who speaks the will of God.  

If God is a prophet, that means there is another God out in the cosmos somewhere who we will get to know through the God who uses prophets on Earth.   That sounds like a really complicated system, but Debi's already implied that God is not all-powerful, so perhaps multiple Gods need to band together to run things.

 He made some men in the image of that part of his nature. 

Let's accept that statement as a premise for now.  My mom and dad would tell me stories about being confirmed in the Catholic Church prior to Vatican II.  At some point, they got to memorize two lists:  The Gifts of the Holy Spirit and the Fruits of the Holy Spirit.   My siblings and I, living in the degenerate times post Vatican II, never had to memorize the lists.  (For which we are grateful - that's one of the gifts, right?  Or is it a fruit? Um.....)

Gifts of the Holy Spirit (based on Isaiah 11:2-3) are:

• Wisdom
• Understanding 
• Counsel
• Fortitude
• Knowledge
• Piety 
• Fear of the Lord

Fruits of the Holy Spirit (based on Galatians 5:22-23) are:

My husband wants to try and make a pie out of the Fruits of the Holy Spirit now......

So, logically, the Visionary men should be paragons of the Gifts and Fruits of the Holy Spirit.  Let the counting begin!  Each example of a Gift/Fruit gets 1 point; each blatant lack of one gets a point taken away.

Some of you will marry men who will be shakers, changers, and dreamers.  One word that describes them is Visionary.  They see what can be and seek to change things.
The Prophet or Visionary is "the voice crying in the wilderness," striving to change the ways things are done, or change how humanity is behaving or thinking.  Prophet-type men are street preachers, political activists, organizers and instigators of any front-line social issue.

How about the men (and women) working to legalize homosexual marriage?  Would Debi see them as actors for the Holy Spirit?

They love confrontation, and hate the status quo.

That's a +1 for fortitude, but - 1 for lack of peace and -1 for lack of gentleness.

Good-hearted Prophets can be a lot of fun.  They are never Mr. Dull.  They can love with a passion and be aggressively loyal to their friends and family.  They can take the lead in calling the world to repentance and showing them a path of righteousness.

Add +1 for joy, +1 for love, +1 for piety, and +1 for fear of the Lord.

However, if they are not balanced, these Prophet/Visionary Types may get fanatically focused on one or two weird issues and, in the process upset the entire family.  (...) They may be extreme in their separation from the world. The issues they focus on may be serious and worthy of one's commitment, but, in varying degrees, these men can have tunnel vision, tenaciously focusing on single issues.
Ouch, that's gonna hurt the point total.  Add -4 for lack of wisdom, lack of understanding, lack of counsel and lack of knowledge.  They are dinged -2 more for lack of self-control and another example of lack of peace. 

The upside of the Prophet/Visionary is his creativity and tenaciousness in the face of difficulty.

+2 for patience and fortitude.

The downside of the Prophet types is that if they are not wise, they can be real fools who push their agenda, forcing others to go their way.
Good intentions don't always keep Prophet types from causing great harm.  If they are not wise, they can stir up the pudding and end with toxic waste.

- 8 for lacking wisdom, understanding, knowledge, counsel, self-control, gentleness, patience and peace.

(Side note: That's one mixed metaphor involving pudding and toxic waste...)

That's the end of general descriptions about the Prophet/Visionary types.  In terms of representing the Gifts/Fruits of the Holy Spirit, they earned a total of negative 10 points.  The men who in Debi's own words represent the Holy Spirit....don't actually represent the Holy Spirit.

Next topic: Specific examples of Prophet/Visionary Men in action....

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a sudden craving for a banana.....

AntiPearl:

Gentleness, self-sacrifice and generosity are the exclusive possession of no one race or religion.

Mahatma Gandhi

Preparing to Be A Help Meet: The Prophet - Part 1

The next three chapters cover Debi's conceptualization of the personality types of men.  I will give Debi credit for coming up with a schema that I've never heard or seen before.  The chapters on The Prophet (Visionary Man) and The Priest (Steady Man) are rather gentle and painless for a Pearl book.   She gives some breathtakingly bad advice but spends less time than normal running people down.

God tells us right at the beginning of the Bible that he created man in his own image. "And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness" (Genesis 1:26)

One quibble: That's not the whole verse.  The rest of the verse talks about man's dominion over the all animal life.  I'm more annoyed about her (or her editor's) lazy refusal to mark that the verse has been divided than the choice to leave off the second half.

What is God's image? What is God's likeness? The word OUR is plural.  Why does God refer to himself as more than one?

*Raises and waves one hand*  

I know this one!  The belief system within the Hebrew Bible shows a transition from henotheism (God is the greatest of the many gods who exist) to monotheism (There is only one God).  God uses the word 'our' because there are literally other gods!

*sighs with nerdy contentment*

[Debi spends an absurd amount of time explaining that "likeness" and "image" mean exactly what a native English speaker would expect they mean. She must think her readers are stupid.]

God is Three Persons
When you think of God do you think of God the Father? Or does Jesus come to your mind, or maybe the Holy Spirit?  The Bible relates that the one God is manifested in three persons.  It is impossible for us to understand, but God has introduced himself to us as Father, Son and the Holy Spirit.

Boy, Debi, wouldn't this be a great spot for a rousing Bible quote that shows the nature of the triune God?

Or a series of strung together quotes that clearly talk about the Trinity?

*listens to the chirping crickets in the silence*

Oh, wait.  She can't do that.  The quotes don't exist.  The Trinity, as a theological concept, was worked out over the centuries after Jesus died.  Some Christian churches reject the doctrine of the Trinity for that exact reason.  (If you want to read about the history, the United Church of God has a long, but thorough, post on the subject.) 

All Debi can do is attempt to use one line from Genesis and punt.  I give her a point for effort.  To be fair, I doubt that Debi or Michael has ever learned about henotheism - or only as an example of how evil modern Biblical scholarship has become.

And yet, for nerds like me, this kind of Biblical scholarship enhances my faith rather than detracts from it.  This world is an awesome and wonderful place.  (And I've digressed again.)

God created man in his own image.  Which image? Well, all three persons, of course.  God's relationship with us and his ministry to us is different with each person of the godhead.

Debi or her editor should have removed "Which image? Well, all three persons, of course." because it's redundant, confusing and is the worst description of the Trinity I've read in a while.

Your husband-to-be will fall into one of these three categories:  He will be like God the Father, a King, or what I have dubbed a Command Man.  He will be healing and kind like Jesus, a Priest, or what I have called a Steady Man.  He will be in the image of the Holy Spirit, a Prophet type, or a man of ideas.  I call this type of man a Visionary.

Billions of people have read the Bible over the centuries between the final compilation of the canon when God wrote it down in English in the KJV and today.  

Billions of people.  

Debi and Mike Pearl were the first to see and write down God's triune nature = man's nature = three distinctive personality types. 

What a blessed age we must live in.  (Super snarky.)

When you can identify a man (your dad or brother) as expressing one of these type of traits, it will help you to understand men in general.

If you really want to understand men in general, be sure to meet men who are NOT your dad or brother.  Statistically, you are not going to meet enough men in your immediate family - even a bursting Quiver family - to draw any generalizations about men as a group.

Hint: Trying to generalize the personalities of ALL men on Earth by crunching them into three sub-types is NOT going to give you much information either.

I have never known a man that is a balance of all three.  Sometimes a man is mostly one with a little of another. but never balanced.  What I am saying is that is not realistic to expect any man to be perfectly balanced.  We must appreciate them as they are. [Debi tapdances around why women get a separate chapter] It should help us understand the men ins several wonderful love stories you are about to read.

Does this mean that any one, individual man is not created in God's image?  Or is God unbalanced?  Or is Debi so relieved to finally be off this painful theological tangent that she never brings it up again?

Well, I plan to bring it up again.  A LOT.  The book gets even funnier if you insert "The Holy Spirit" for "Prophet/Visionary" etc.

AntiPearls: It's a twofer!  I couldn't decide, so I included both.

“The old man was peering intently at the shelves. 'I'll have to admit that he's a very competent scholar.'
                                                                                                                                                                   
"Isn't he just a librarian?' Garion asked, 'somebody who looks after books?'                                                        
                                                                                                                                                                   
That's where all the rest of scholarship starts, Garion. All the books in the world won't help you if they're just piled up in a heap.” 
― David Eddings, King of the Murgos

“I will go wherever the truth leads me. It is secular scholarship, Rebbe; it is not the scholarship of tradition. In secular scholarship there are no boundaries and no permanently fixed views.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
"Lurie, if the Torah cannot go out into your world of scholarship and return stronger, then we are all fools and charlatans. I have faith in the Torah. I am not afraid of truth.” 
― Chaim Potok, In the Beginning

Criticism of "Good: The Joy of Christian Manhood and Womanhood" from an adult with cerebral palsy

This snippet of a book pushed all of my buttons at once.  I'd like to post the entire section first, then respond to the fallacies point-by-point.

This was published at Desiring God website, but please don't give these lunatics any more web traffic.  

It’s a story of a little boy whose body was weak. He couldn’t walk, and he was carried everywhere he went. Over time, he became needy, weepy, and constantly made requests of those around him. If you saw him, you would have pitied him. He was not even ten years of age and already way behind.

But then something happened. The little boy had spent most of his life in foster care. Then, one day, he was adopted by a Christian family. This was no ordinary family, however. It was one led by an old-fashioned father, a man whose blend of kindness and authority drew respect from his wife and children. His wasn’t the ultra-modern home you see on Hulu nowadays—teens eye-rolling, chaos reigning, dad zoned out on his iPhone, mom trying to tame the far-past-gone toddlers. This was a home where a father trained and pastored his children, and a mother devoted herself to her kids. This was a home where you were expected to pull your weight, pursue maturity, and sacrifice your interests to those of others.

This was the home the little boy entered. He couldn’t have articulated his feelings, but he knew something was different. There was order. There was discipline. And there was love, abundant love, that spilled out into laughter and playing and real conversation. But the boy wasn’t the only
one watching. The father was watching, too. He thought to himself, This boy isn’t lame. He’s not gonna be a track star. But I think he can walk.

After a couple days, he decided not to keep these thoughts to himself. He gently prodded the little boy, his new son, to try walking. So the boy did. At first it didn’t go well. This wasn’t supposed to happen. His self-identity was fixed. But then something clicked. The boy took one step, then another. A lurch became a walk. Pretty soon he, too, was caught up in the whirl of the home. He wasn’t the fastest, and the other kids had to help him at times. But the switch was back on. The boy had come alive. His strength was bigger than his weakness. His identity was refigured.
This true story elegantly illustrates what happens when the gospel speaks into our sexuality.

I'm so angry I'm having trouble typing coherently.

"It’s a story of a little boy whose body was weak. He couldn’t walk, and he was carried everywhere he went. Over time, he became needy, weepy, and constantly made requests of those around him"

Healthy children don't have weak bodies.  If child is old enough to speak, but can't walk, that child has a serious physical disability.  Responsible parents seek out medical help for children who have serious problems.

As an adult with mild cerebral palsy, I want you to know how much physical pain and limitations affect your emotional state.  This winter, I had a cerebral palsy "flare".  I have hypertonic cerebral palsy that affects my legs most noticeably.  The night after Christmas, I was awake all night with painful muscle cramps in my left calf.  I wasn't worried at first because I chalked the cramps up to a long car trip to visit family and not enough exercise.  Over the next four days, I slept about 10 hours because I could not get rid of the cramps in spite of exercise and lots of ibuprofen.

I was miserable.  All I wanted to do was sleep but I couldn't.  My leg hurt all the time.  I felt like crying, but tried my hardest to enjoy my extended family.  The only thought that kept me going was that I would feel better and sleep better when we got home.

Going home didn't work.  Because of the holidays, I had to wait nearly 2 weeks from when we got home until I could see a physical therapist on January 6th.  By that point, I felt emotionally wrecked.  

That little boy is not "needy"; he has real needs.  That little boy may be "weepy"; physical pain hurts.  If the little boy can't walk, he's going to need to make requests of the people around him to get items that he can't reach and to help him re-position his body.  If the author can't SEE that, he's got a far more severe disability than that little boy.

"If you saw him, you would have pitied him. He was not even ten years of age and already way behind."

Don't project YOUR flaws onto me.  I wouldn't pity that boy because of his disability.  I would empathize.  I would pity him for having such bat-shit crazy adoptive parents and I would report medical neglect if they were not having their son treated by a medical professional.

Plus, is the author a trained child development expert?  A pediatrician?  A physical or occupational therapist? A psychologist?  A special education teacher?

 No, Owen Strachen is a professor of theology.  His time would be better spent thinking about Mark 2:1-12 than pretending he knows how far behind the child is.

 The little boy had spent most of his life in foster care. Then, one day, he was adopted by a Christian family.

Look, foster care has problems, but I don't know how anyone would have missed a kid who was so very far behind on his physical milestones.  The foster parents I know would have pitched fits to be sure that this child received the physical and occupational therapy support that he needed.  Plus, if the kid is in foster care, the kid is in school.  He should have been receiving multiple pull-outs a week for work with trained professionals.  These glaring errors make me wonder if the author just made this story up because anyone with experience with public schools or the foster care system would know the details in the story are off.

Adopting a child out of foster care takes time.  People who want to adopt can't walk in, say "I'd like to adopt a child, please" and walk out with a kid - even if they are "Christian".  I know many people who have adopted children including special needs children.  Religion is not a key factor in building a new family.  Hard work, patience, and a willingness to ask for help matter far more than the religion of a family.
 It was one led by an old-fashioned father, a man whose blend of kindness and authority drew respect from his wife and children. His wasn’t the ultra-modern home you see on Hulu nowadays—teens eye-rolling, chaos reigning, dad zoned out on his iPhone, mom trying to tame the far-past-gone toddlers. This was a home where a father trained and pastored his children, and a mother devoted herself to her kids. This was a home where you were expected to pull your weight, pursue maturity, and sacrifice your interests to those of others. 

I can't believe I have to write this sentence. 

Shows on television are for entertainment purposes.  Do not use them for child-rearing advice.

More disturbingly, the author is setting up the "Hey, just give kids a normal home and everything will be great!" fallacy.  Life is not that simple.  This little boy will need more support and care than the average kiddo and pretending otherwise is a disaster in the making.

This was the home the little boy entered. He couldn’t have articulated his feelings, but he knew something was different. There was order. There was discipline. And there was love, abundant love, that spilled out into laughter and playing and real conversation

Now, Strachen takes the time to spell out what kids need: Order, discipline, and love will fix everything.  

Those three things are not enough.

 The father was watching, too. He thought to himself, This boy isn’t lame. He’s not gonna be a track star. But I think he can walk.

 Look at how quickly the adoptive father has limited the child's potential in his mind.  He's set the bar at "Walking is enough.  Kiddo will never be able to sprint, run long distances, throw a javelin, or jump high or far." 

That toxic mental limitation set by the father is going to hurt that kid way more than his physical disability.

Thank God my parents thought I could do anything I wanted to.  They encouraged me to run, jump, crawl, hike, ski, dance..... everything.  

Do I have physical limitations?  Yes.  To quote my physical therapist, "If you decide to take up running, you'll need to take up physical therapy too."  I'm never going to be a ballerina or gymnast.  On the other hand, I can walk long distances, swim a mile, garden, folk dance...well, the list is too long to type out.

After a couple days, he decided not to keep these thoughts to himself. He gently prodded the little boy, his new son, to try walking. So the boy did. At first it didn’t go well. This wasn’t supposed to happen. His self-identity was fixed. But then something clicked. The boy took one step, then another. A lurch became a walk. Pretty soon he, too, was caught up in the whirl of the home. He wasn’t the fastest, and the other kids had to help him at times. But the switch was back on. The boy had come alive. His strength was bigger than his weakness. His identity was refigured.

Ta-da!  All is well!  Like all magic tricks, don't be fooled by the illusion. 

Yes, with encouragement, the little boy started walking.  That tends to happen over time with any group of people with non-degenerative muscular disabilities.  As the boy grew, his body got stronger.  With practice, the boy learns how to walk.  That's a physical change, not a mental change in the kid.

Yet, by reaching that major milestone, the boy has reached his adopted father's goal: Make the kid less of an obvious burden. Now that his needs can be shifted off on to his siblings, there's no need for the father's involvement.

In a therapeutic setting, the child would have multiple, progressive goals set. The therapists would find ways to help the boy learn to walk faster, walk on uneven ground, climb, run on even ground, run on uneven ground, hop, jump, skip and gallop.  All of these are worthy goals.  Plus, the boy is still growing.  He will need to be monitored for imbalances in his muscle development by an actual professional.

Years of work by the child, parents and medical professionals lie ahead.  Pretending otherwise is a slap in the face to people with disabilities, their families and the professionals who spend years mastering rehabilitation work.

This true story elegantly illustrates what happens when the gospel speaks into our sexuality.

WTF?

That sentence convinces me that the author either made the story up or it is "inspired by a true story" because sexuality has no real connection to anything previously written in the synopsis.

Gak.