Preparing Sons: Chapter Nine - Part One

The next chapter in Steven Maxwell's "Preparing Sons to Provide for Single-Income Families" describes raising boys age 7-12.  To my mind, that age span involves so many changes in cognitive, emotional and physical development that few dictates will work across the entire span. 

The introduction to the chapter implies that parents will be under extreme pressure to move away from Maxwell's dictates for raising kids - and that any variance from Maxwell's plan now will lead to chaos in the teenage years.  I suspect Maxwell is right about the first idea.  A preschooler or kindergartener is a bit young for extensive extracurricular activities and unlikely to be very far behind in education since early education is most beneficial for kids who live in low-stimulation environments.  A preteen, on the other hand, will generally be involved in something outside of their family circle.  It could be scouting, 4-H, sports, volunteering at the library....the list is nearly endless - but they have generally move out of the family circle a bit.  Plus, Steve's mandate that all fun things must be nipped in the bud to promote hard work is likely to grate on a kid at these ages.

The first topic in the chapter is about salvation.  Apparently, if your kid hasn't been saved by this age, parents are supposed to start encouraging them to get a move on.  I find that a bit ironic since Steve was stating in the last chapter that salvation should not be forced on kids..

The next topic discusses how Teri and Steven wanted their kids to become servants of God.  That's probably the last way I would phrase that concept - but I agree with the idea that parents should teach their kids to help out others within their communities in an age-appropriate manner.  At that point, Steven launches into a paragraph that is both underwhelming and hilarious:

If you don't have any serving opportunities, don't worry. Simply pray. God will direct you to them! For example, eight years ago God lead our family to conduct semi-monthly church services for residents of a local nursing home. During a portion of the service, Christopher plays the piano while we sing hymns. However, I've been grooming twelve-year-old Joseph to take Christopher's place. Joseph has been learning to play the piano for six years. Over the last several months, I have asked Joseph to play a hymn each time we are at the nursing home. There have even been a few weeks where Christopher was not available. Then Joseph accompanied all our singing. He's a bit rough, but so was Christopher when he began playing for us. Start grooming your child to serve. If your son is taking music lessons, I would encourage you to be sure he is using the talent in a meaningful way. (pgs. 121-122)

Reality check: Every community be it rural, suburban or urban has volunteer or service opportunities that need to be filled.  A family that cannot find any serving opportunities is not integrated into the larger community - and that's an issue.  Kids at the lower end of this age range will generally need to do volunteer work alongside their parents - but kids at the upper end can do some projects independently.  I remember doing summer volunteer work at the local library starting when I was 10 or 11.  I worked under the general supervision of a librarian and mostly shelved books in the correct spaces in the kids and teenage sections.  I had a blast!

The second half of that quote reveals a lot about the Maxwell Family and how insular their lives are today.  Whenever they mention going to church in their home area, they mean that they are running a religious service at the local retirement home.  Essentially, the clan can claim they are members of a church since some people from the retirement home attend the services while maintaining the isolation of a home-church.  The Maxwells manage to avoid interacting with any pesky kids, teens, young adults or adults who might rock the boat by questioning Steven's mandates or doing any of the forbidden activities.   Offering musical service at a church is a gift - but CP/QF families often overestimate their family's skill level due to an absolute lack of comparison.  Twelve-year-old Joseph was probably a strong piano player for his age - but every church I've belonged to had a list of adults who were professional or semi-professional level piano players to accompany hymns at church.  Similarly, most famous CP/QF families can throw together a group of their kids to sing hymns that sound pretty - but even the teenagers have very untrained voices compared to a local high school choir let alone a competition choir.

That's the unspoken downside of family sheltering.  When your siblings and carefully chosen church members are the only people a kid can compare their skill level to, kids are likely to overestimate their proficiency compared to the world at large.

The next topic mentioned is teaching kids to work hard.  Now, Steven worries me whenever he discusses human motivation.  I don't think he's got a very good concept of the importance of setting parameters for the end result of a project beforehand or the importance of communicating the parameters to his kids before sending them off to do the project:

I'm constantly trying to find the balance that encourages the children to try harder while not discouraging them over what they have done. There have been times when I have seen my son's spirit "deflating" when I was encouraging him to redo a project. I know then that I've gone too far. It is time to regroup and start " pumping" him up a bit. (pg. 122)

Remember, Steven's not talking about teenagers or young adults.  He's talking about elementary and middle school kids.   In this age band, parent-teachers need to start teaching their kids how to evaluate their own work compared to a set of standards.  For the youngest kids in the age band, this should start with one criteria that could be as simple as "Did you sweep everything off the floor in the kitchen?"  As the kid becomes proficient in judging the completion of a task by one standard, the parent adds more. 

Why do I bring this up?  Maxwell's not doing anyone any favors by waiting until his sons think a project is completed well to tell them that the output is not good enough.  That's pretty emotionally draining for confident, highly-resilient kids; try that with a kid who has perfectionist tendencies and soon the kid will never "finish" a project.  (I was surprised at first the number of teenagers in my alternative education school who failed out of classes because of perfectionist tendencies.  Roughly 20% of the kids became so afraid of turning in an assignment that was less than perfect that they balked at turning in any assignments... and failed.)  On the other hand, Maxwell's decision switch over to "pumping" them up based on an emotional reaction can be manipulated by savvy kids.

It's simply easier and more fair to set expectations ahead of time, look at a project based on those expectations, and help kids manage their emotions either way.

I included this next snippet because I find it grossly hypocritical based on Steven Maxwell's abhorrence of "fun" or non-working activities:

....we must praise and encourage him on. When Teri and I were first married, my form of exercise was running. I became interested in running a marathon. During preparation for my first marathon, I injured my knee and was forced to stop running for a couple of months while it healed. Unfortunately, when I was able to run again, I did not have sufficient time to be properly conditioned for the race. As youth would have it, I ran that marathon anyway. I don't think I was ever so sick or hurt so badly as during that race! There was one bright spot, though. My sweet wife made every effort to keep ahead of me by driving to points along the race route. When I arrived, there she would be, by the side of the road, cheering me on and encouraging me to keep going. Friend, this is exactly what we must be doing for our sons! (pg. 123)

Most people need regular aerobic exercise to stay healthy.  Training for a marathon, on the other hand, involves a major time commitment that increases the risk of injury to the athlete.  I don't view training for a marathon as morally objectionable - but if Steven Maxwell views hunting and fishing as morally objectionable for taking men away from their families, he's being ragingly hypocritical to not condemn long-distance running for the same reasons. 

Teri Maxwell is making the best of the situation by being "involved" as best she can with her husband's hobby - so which of Teri's hobbies is Steven making a major effort to support?

Every Christian man should expect to spend the majority of his day working and serving. Isn't it reasonable that as our sons approach manhood, they shift towards more work and less play? If so, then why is this the age range when their entertainment level begins increasing? Boys see all the fun things our world offers, and they want to participate like everyone else their age. There will be tremendous peer pressure from relatives, neighbors, and even the church. This is your opportunity to show how committed you are to the goal of preparing your son to be the provider for a single-income family. (pgs. 123-124)

Yes, it is very reasonable that people work more and play less as they become adults - but this chapter is not about high school kids!   This is about 1st through 5th or 6th grade students!

Unstructured free play is very, very important for kids of all ages.  Boys and girls in this age group are growing quite a bit each year.  Physical play like running, crouching, jumping, climbing and throwing balls help kids learn how to use their bodies and build strong bones during a critical window.  Playing games in groups teaches kids all sorts of social and leadership skills.  This includes skills like negotiation, communication of ideas and emotional regulation. 

I find the idea of labeling a neighbor asking if your kids can play kickball with the rest of the kids as "peer pressure" to be absurd.  Ditto for someone handing you a flyer for youth sports or encouraging you to send your kids to Vacation Bible School this year. 

Notice how Steven makes it clear that the parents' goal for their son's future is more important than any discussion of how the method of reaching that goal is harmful to the kid.  Apparently, no one should ever question if the parents' goals for their kids are appropriate or realistic....

Next, Steven remind readers of the benefits of keeping kids away from peers their own age:

By spending time with our sons, we avoid some of the negative behaviors that most boys this age exhibit. Have you observed how silly preteen boys can be when they get together? The truth of scripture becomes very obvious. " Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child" (Proverbs 22: 15). If you want amateur son, have him spend time with you. If you want a foolish son, let him spend quantities of time with boys his own age. (pg. 124)

Pre-teen boys can be quite silly.  Teenage boys can be crazy.  Neither of these groups do as much damage as a man who micromanages his children to keep them dependent on him.   After all, that's the real outcome of the Maxwell family.  Sure, the family is tight-knit - but mainly because no one has been allowed to choose otherwise.  Yes, they run family businesses - but until very recently, Steve Maxwell was involved with the most successful ones.  It's a family that appears successful as long as no one looks very closely.