Joyfully At Home: Chapter Eight - Part Four

So I'm dealing with a mild bout of the stomach flu.  Thankfully, Spawn is still healthy and I'm feeling a bit better everyday.

We put up our first full-sized Christmas tree yesterday!  My husband and I never bothered before we had Spawn - and this was the first year that Spawn seemed old enough to enjoy a full-sized tree.  I made a bunch of melted pony bead ornaments that Spawn can play with around the bottom of the tree - and he was SO excited when we put them on the tree together.  Spawn has always been fascinated by the play of lights and color so semi-transparent plastic ornaments are his version of heaven.

As I reflect on the joy and excitement in my son's eyes, I feel mildly queasy (and not just because of the stomach flu) at transitioning to the deadening, constrained world of Jasmine Baucham's "Joyfully At Home".  In Chapter Eight, Jasmine discusses scads of ways for young women to deal with crushes - but always avoids the obvious solution of getting to know the guy a young woman is crushing on.

Today's first theme: As an maturing young woman approaching marriageable age, double-down on over-reliance on your parents!  It's Biblical!

That leads me to the third way to control our reaction to our feelings, which is to trust your parents' counsel. If you are a young woman who has purposed to submit to the biblical counsel and accountability of your parents during the courtship and marriage process, now is a good time to practice. Be honest with your parents about your feelings for certain young men. Take to heart their admonitions about things you need to work on before you are ready to be married. Consider any praise or reservations they may have about the young men in your life, especially those whom you are particularly interested in. Speak frankly with them about qualifications for your future spouse, and be open with them anytime you think you may have met that young man. I don't know about you, but I'm not planning on entering into an arranged marriage. If I expect my parents' wise aid in choosing a spouse, I need to make sure they know where I am emotionally at all times. Their counsel and their involvement is, as I have said time and again, invaluable. (pgs. 96-97)

Since Jasmine brought it up, how Biblical is it to rely on parents during courtship? 

Most of the isolated verses about children obeying their parents comes from Psalms and Proverbs.  I've got nothing against either of those Books - but in Evangelical understanding of how the Bible was written - the books were written or compiled by King David and his son King Solomon.   King David routinely turned against God's Laws all the time - and was the husband of many, many women.  In fact, his son Solomon was the child of Bathsheba whom David seduced or raped while she was married to another man, got pregnant, and eventually killed Bathsheba's lawful husband Uriel to hide David's sin.   Solomon started out on the right path but eventually turned to worshipping other gods.

Ironically - these two examples make my point better than I can.  In an ideal CP/QF world, a bashful maiden and a chivalrous young man can meet and marry through the careful and dutiful actions of their parents.   In the real CP/QF world, fathers can be as flawed and venial as David.  After all, David ignored Tamar's rape at the hands of Ammon as effectively as Jim Bob Duggar ignored Josh's attacks on multiple women.  In spite of that, Jim Bob was allowed to arrange four marriages for his five oldest daughters.  At the time of this writing, Jinger's spouse seems to be financially and emotionally present in his marriage; Jill, Jessa and Joy's husbands are financially dependent on the Duggars and/or emotionally fried.

If I had asked my parents what I needed to work on to be ready for marriage when I was 19 like Ms. Baucham, they'd have told me to finish college, get a job, live on my own for a while and then think about getting married.   Would the Bauchams be that enthusiastic about young women following the wise words of their elders if their elders told them to run for the hills away from stay-at-home daughterhood?

Finally, when I was dating, a book called "Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough" by Lori Gottleib was causing all sorts of angst and hand wringing by various people.  The premise of the book was simple enough: some women have absolutely insane requirements for a future husband that have no correlation with being happy.  Ms. Gottleib admits that she would only date men who fell in a small window of heights so that she could kiss them easily barefoot while not being taller than her husband while wearing heels.  Ms. Gottleib found dating much more pleasant and productive when she realized some of her requirements were insane - and some of her requirements were great like that her date treats wait staff respectfully.   The reason I bring this story up is that young women should be very  certain that their parents are making recommendations about future spouses on important criteria like kindness, gentleness, employment history and communication skills. 

The reverse of that is being aware when parents have criteria that are patently absurd.   The Duggars have a 423 question survey before courtship that includes asking "23. Are you willing to die for Christ? If you are not dying daily, how can you be so sure you would then?" and "50. How many times have you read through your Bible?".  I suspect many people have managed to have pleasant, fruitful marriages who differed on the answers to those questions.  In a similar vein, all of the Maxwell sons have owned a house within a mile of their parents' home because the Maxwells drone on and on about the importance of owning a home and staying deeply sheltered after marriage.  Yet, anyone who is not a Maxwell knows couples who have had long, successful marriages in the absence of home ownership and while living far from their family of origin.

Today's second theme: Consumption of romantic media is the real reason we have crushes!

The fifth way to control our reaction to our feelings is to remove things that irritate are symptoms. Romantic literature? Check. Love songs? Check. Frivolous talk of future romance? Check. Movies where in love is the central plot? Check. Even reading courtship stories? Oh, yes: check. You know what I found out? I miss those things more than I like to admit. Because as miserable as my little obsession made me, I liked pinning my hopes on what I perceived as a dashing hero. I like the flighty roller coaster feeling; I even someone enjoyed the tinges of misery. And that let me know that I was casting myself in the role of a romantic heroine instead of seeing myself for what I really was: a young lady who needed hope in focusing her heart's affections on God's will for her life, not her own romantic inclinations.(pg. 97-98)

Humans have managed to have crushes, fall in love, marry and reproduce LONG before we had movies, books and courtship stories.  Desire for sex and reproduction is hardwired into most animals; humans are no different.    Honestly, I've never been into romance novels or rom-coms or chick flicks but I still had plenty of crushes.

Both the Botkin Sisters and Ms. Baucham have brought up the dangers of romantic media - but I suspect the reason romantic media has such a strong pull at SAHDs is because of boredom and fear.  Being a stay-at-home mother is exhausting, exasperating and monotonous at the best of times - but stay-at-home mothers are raising their children and running their own home.  Cleaning the kitchen ten times a week can drive anyone mad - but at least the kitchen is yours.   Being a stay-at-home daughter brings all of the monotony of being a stay-at-home parent with none of the rewards.   A stay-at-home daughter is doing the grunt work of keeping house while still having parents who can swoop in and "disciple" her if she's overly morose.   

But worse than the boredom must be the fear.   When I was a single woman in my mid-twenties, I had moments where I was afraid that I would never find someone to marry and start a life with.  Those fears were real - but I could easily remind myself that I had a good life where I was helping a lot of teenagers grow into competent young adults.   I wanted children of my own - but if that never happened - I had plenty of other children I had grown close to.    Additionally, I had the option available of adoption if I married and found out that my spouse and I were unable to have biological children.  The families in Vision Forum seem to have that option available since the Baucham's adopted most of their kids.  That option is not available for families aligned with ATI (or shouldn't be since IBLP teaches that adopted kids bring the 'sins of their fathers' into the new home.) Yikes. 

If romantic books and movies are consuming your life, go live your life!  Believe me, a lived life might not include Mr. Darcy - but real people are far more interesting than pretend people any day of the week!