Making Great Conversationalists: Chapter Ten - Part One

This chapter is worth its weight in comedic gold!  Steven and Teri Maxwell's "Making Great Conversationalists" has plenty of stretching Bible verses to the breaking point along with monotonous stretches of tripe - but the Maxwells are great at trying to put a positive spin on some family stories.   This chapter includes several stories that if the Maxwell parents reflected on their children's gift of conversation...well, this book might never have been written.

Chapter Ten is about "roadblocks" that might occur during teaching conversations or during conversations themselves.  The first category in this chapter is essentially "what should you do if your kid balks at learning to converse with people?"   Perhaps I'm missing something - but isn't a given that kids will whine about anything?  My toddler grumbles about the fact that his parents won't read him "Hop On Pop" for the 59th time today. Yesterday, I had a student complain that the clipart on a worksheet was ugly.  I had a student today complain that they didn't want to go to the gym for a pep-rally; his complaint was something about it being too early in the morning and not caring much about the activity for the day.  Most teachers have to create detailed plans for determining when a window can be opened.  Without one, classes can deadlock between the "I'm too hot" and "I'm freezing" kids.   After eight kids, I'm sure the Maxwells know to expect whining. 

Not only should the Maxwells expect whining - but there is no way that the answers to kids whining about conversational skills should take three pages to work through!  The Maxwells attempt to argue that "I don't know what to say", "I'm a slow thinker", and "I don't have anything interesting to say" are three different situations.  The only reason the divisions makes sense is to take up additional space in the book.   In the wider world, no one would have repeated conversations - or consequences - about a kid who wasn't that into conversations.  Being a quiet kid has its own set of natural consequences.  The consequences are hardly bad - in fact, they work well for kids who are quiet - but unless the kid wants to be more talkative I don't see the point of the Maxwell's ideas of spending time helping a kid pre-plan a conversation or convincing the kid that God will tell them what to say.

After exhausting the topic of whining, the Maxwells jump to the next logical topic: peer dependency.  When I searched "peer dependency" on a whim, I was glad to see that the search results pulled up lots of semi-obscure coding websites instead of the CP/QF belief that people of all ages should want to spend time around people of all ages without any sort of preference for being around people in their own age cohort.   As near as I can tell, this is used primarily as a cudgel to shame preteens and teenagers for wanting to spend time with their friends instead of their siblings and parents.   After some haphazard discussion of brainstorming topics for younger and older audiences with the peer-dependent child, the Maxwells created this surreal gem:

Perhaps that is a self focus that indicates that the child wants to talk to his friends because he is interested in them, they in him, and he likes what they talk about. In that case, you will go back to the reason why conversation is important-- to communicate love. (pg. 162)

*rubs forehead until the strained muscles relax*

Teri and Steven Maxwell graduated from college.

In spite of that, the quote was thought, written, edited, proofread and published.

Let's take this to the natural conclusion in this simulated dialogue between a mother and daughter:

"Lise, I need to talk to you about something I've seen at church.   You primarily spend the time after church with Stephanie, Emily and Maria.  Why do you do that?"

"Well, Steph, Em and Mari are nice.  They ask about how my week has been.  We talk about what we've been doing during homeschooling.  Plus, we're all learning how to cook together and share recipes."

*Mom falls to her knees in anguish and howls*   "Why, God, why?  Why does my daughter spend time with people who care about her and share her interests?  Please help me show her that true love means pushing into conversations with adults and stifling boredom to interact with children at their level."

"I can do that, Mom.... but the kids looked happy playing together and the adults were having an intense conversation that they shooed all of us away from in the first place."

"Oh, Lise, when will you learn? Love means never being happy or content; it's an itchy feeling of isolation and self-repression."

Yup.

After giving that sage advice, the Maxwells transition naturally into the next topic: filler words.  According to the Maxwells, people shouldn't use filler words and the best way to break people of using filler words is to remind them every time the person uses the filler word.   I use a lot of filler words and having people point them out works with a few caveats.  First, only do this with the other person's permission.  Being interrupted every time you say "uh" or "like" is frustrating and irritating even when you've asked people to do it; do it to an unwilling person and you might get hit.   Second, set a time limit for this activity.  Filler words are a minor linguistic quirk or oddity.  People still have the right to communicate even if they do so with a less than perfect gloss.

What follows filler words?  Oh, yes. Anger.   (Let me know if anyone can figure out any sort of patterning in Maxwell topics; my only guess right now is drawing topics randomly.) The Maxwells launch into an amazing story about how well their conversational training worked for Jesse Maxwell when he was a teen:

A few years ago while attending church after a conference weekend, fifteen year old Jesse was talking with a father. The conversation moved to the subject of college, with the father telling Jesse about his son's plan for college. Jesse entered the conversation by asking the man some questions about college and sharing why he was choosing not to go to college.

Suddenly the man became quite emotional and angry with Jesse. Jesse said the man's anger flared when confronted with why Jesse was choosing not to go to college. The logic of Jesse's no college points shared innocently in the spirit of a typical conversation exchange sparked emotion in the dad without warning. Jesse was able to remain calm when confronted with anger.

And talking about the situation afterwards, Jesse said he realize that he wouldn't have given his thoughts on college had he known it was a touchy point for the dad. He said he also gained experience on when to quietly drop off point and when to continue the exchange. (pg. 164-165)

Your kid can be like this too if you follow the Maxwell Plan for Making Great Conversationalists! Yay!

An adult man tells Jesse Maxwell a bit about his son's future plans.  The deliciously naive, completely self-assured and exceptionally sheltered 15-year old decides the best response is to educate this adult man on why his son shouldn't go to college.   Oh, I know, the Maxwells try to spin the story to make it sound like Jesse was just discussing his personal choices - but precious few adult men would be angered by the statement "I don't think I'm going to go to college myself" from a 15-year-old they've just met.

Oh and a few paragraphs after the story, Maxwell inserts the warning that teens shouldn't use absolute terms like "always" and "never" and shouldn't sound like know-it-alls to adults.   Hmmm.....wonder what prompted that bit of advice?

Look, Jesse learned an important life-lesson; people do not appreciate having their choices criticized by an ignorant stranger.  The only sad thing is that he would have learned that long before if his parents hadn't kept their family chronically isolated.

The Maxwells also imply that Jesse was right because he was "logical" while the stranger was "emotional" - but the Maxwells use appeals to emotion all the time!    One common example is the argument that a college education is synonymous with drinking alcohol, premarital sex, and rampant atheism.  Each of these issues is possible on a college campus just as it is possible in the backseat of a car, or the edge of a field, or a back porch.  Conversely, at no point when I was filing the paperwork to finish my college degree did I have to demonstrate that I had gotten drunk, had sex or become an atheist!    Most of the appeals to courtship and stay-at-home daughterhood work along the same lines.  The logic is scant - but following the CP/QF way will lead to happiness while leaving the path will lead to despair.

Jesse's reflection on the whole conversation is meant to seem mature - but it is full of contradictions.  Jesse took a stand about an issue he thought he knew a lot about.  When he received unexpected blowback, his response is that he wouldn't have taken a stand if he knew there would be mildly unpleasant consequences.   Tell me: if Jesse can't handle one man being mad at him when Jesse "educates" him, how on Earth is Jesse going to handle the level of scorn he's going to get from people when Jesse starts telling them how to raise their daughters or become real Christians or convert their families into personal cults?  For all that CP/QF folks rail on about converting the US, they sure raise their children with thin skins and poor ability at reading other people.

The next post fill us in with more Maxwell maxims about shortcoming in conversations.  Until then, may your life be filled with real love and not CP/QF love!