Jill Dillard's More Than Sex: Sex

For a post that declares that loving your husband takes more than sex, Jill Duggar Dillard's post spends a lot of time on the importance of sex.  Without any sign of irony, the first tip discusses how sex is critical in a marriage:

-Have sex often! You both need this time together regularly (3-4 times a week is a good start. lol). And when you may not be able to actually have intercourse for a period of time or for health issues, find other ways to have fun and be intimate. Let your spouse know that you’re aways [sic] available. Guard against fulfilling sexual desires alone. Be open with your spouse about your desires and change things up to keep it exciting! (Philippians 2:3-4; 1 Corinthians 7:5) If you’re struggling with sex with your spouse, GET HELP! See a doctor and/or licensed counselor and don’t be afraid to get second opinions!

Like most advice written by Duggars, your mileage may vary.  I think couples are better off deciding how often having sex makes sense for them rather than trying to hit a number that works for Jill and Derick. 

There's something about the way this section is written that sounds exhausting rather than inspiring.  Nothing can get in the way of having regular orgasms with your spouse.  Not illness, pregnancy, childbirth, lactation, or menstruation apparently.  Oh, and just doing whatever works well for both partners is not enough; you have to keep sex exciting!

The quote from Philippians 2 follows Paul's explanation of how some other Christian preachers are jerks who are preaching against him, but good preachers preach out of love for Christ rather than glory.  That's what Philippians 2 is discussing, not the importance of hand jobs in a marriage.   Similarly, 1 Corinthians 7 starts and ends with the caveat that Paul believes being celibate is spiritually superior to being sexually active - but having sex with a married spouse of the opposite sex is better than being involved in orgies.

Being ready for sex with your spouse at any time is a fringe belief in the history of Christian religion.  The Old Testament requires that husbands have sex with their wives - but that is to give the wife a chance to produce a son who could support her if she outlives her husband.  Within that context, there are still plenty of times where intercourse is forbidden like during menstruation, after a child's birth and during certain times of national mourning.  Early Christianity believed that Jesus was returning any day now so abstaining from sex made a lot of sense when the world was going to be plunged into disorder and war which is a bad time to have a toddler.  Eventually, Christianity moved away from the idea of an immediate return of the Christ  - but even then - the idea that men and women should have sex whenever they wanted just because would have struck people as insane.  Men and women had a ton of work to do each day to earn a living, prepare food, prepare textiles, and care for dependents.  That didn't leave a lot of time for spontaneous sex when your husband came home just because you could.

Next sex-related tip:

-Look nice for him. It’s easy to get home and throw on the frumpy pjs and wash your makeup off, but make sure that a few times a week you enjoy time together looking like you would hanging out when you were dating! Plus, even if you work from home, just getting fixed up in the morning can give you a boost to your day!

This tip sounds like Jill took a piece of advice from Redbook on looking great for your husband and tried to make it more relevant by ad-libbing what Jill thinks life is like for moms who work outside of the home.  Unfortunately, since Jill's experience with working for wages is limited, her advice feels condescending.     On days that I stay home with my son, I'm busy enough that I don't have time to change into jammies as soon as I get home from his therapy appointments or running errands.  Even if I wanted to, I have a tired, hungry toddler to take care of first and various chores around the house and yard to finish after that.   I am more likely to throw on jammies when I get home from work, but that's because my shifts often go to 10pm at night and I'm tired.  My husband is fine with that because he's an adult man, not a self-centered, horny teenager. 

I did like trying to wear nicer clothing and makeup when I was in the weeds of being a full-time SAHM, but that was for my benefit, not my husband's benefit.  Taking a few minutes to feel like I was dressed in flattering clothing and wearing some makeup reminded me that it was ok to carve out some time for me while caring for a medically complicated baby.   (I'm also pretty solid at getting baby barf stains out of clothing, so your mileage may vary. )

Next sexy tip:

-Go to bed fresh! It’s easy to just want to shower in the morning to wake ourselves up, but showering in the evening (and sometimes before he gets home if you arrive home before him!), and even putting on fragrant lotion in front of him can be another way to say “I care” and “you’re important to me,” and lets him know you’re up for fun whenever he is.

I've been a night showerer all of my life.  Wrestling three kids through showers while two adults were getting ready for work in a one-bathroom house was a no-go, so we all got used to showering in the evening.  I suspect many CP/QF bread winners take showers at night, too, because working in food service, retail, manufacturing, machinery repair, and every outdoor business I can think of makes a worker hot and dirty. 

I asked my husband if my habit of showering in the evening was a way that communicated "I care about you" or "I love you!".   He said no. 

Jill's idea of putting on fragrant lotion in front of my husband makes me feel itchy.  My skin reacts badly to a lot of added scents.   My husband's skin does too - so slathering myself in something he's allergic to is not very sexy.   I guess I could try sexily rubbing Eucerin all over myself - but is it sexy when your partner feels like a greased piglet and shines with an oily glow?

Ignoring the prickly sensations from my skin for a moment, I'm curious how this goes down in a house with a toddler and a preschooler.   Are they still running around?  Is this for after-bedtime hijinks for parents?  Do the Dillards try and pull of quickies while the two kids are temporarily distracted?  That wouldn't work well for me.  I'd be so busy listening for a toddler bursting into the room we were in and yelling "Ello!" or - conversely - wondering what is keeping the toddler occupied so quietly while out of our sight that I wouldn't enjoy our time together. 

-Be confident about your body. Chances are, he is less concerned about the things you’re worried about him not liking than you are. He will be happier when you are confident about yourself. And if there are things you can change or do to be more confident about yourself, then maybe it’s worth doing, or setting a goal to eventually get there!

I like the idea of women being confident about their body.   I differ in that I believe women should be confident for their own good rather than so that their husbands will enjoy sex with them more.  I love my body.  I use it to lift heavy objects, grow food for my family and cuddle my son.  I appreciate how my body has overcome a crazy amount of obstacles like being born at 29 weeks with way too much blood due to twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome, repaired two burst lungs from a respirator, and survived a liver-vs-placenta war when pregnant with my son.   Being down on my body because I'm fat would be ungrateful - and I practice gratitude.

Jill's advice is poisoned by telling her readers that it's ok to wait to be more confident in their bodies until the readers manage to fix something they don't like about their body.   Guess what?  The way to become more confident is to become more confident!  Choose to value your body.  Make a list of everything your body does well.   Create an affirmation you repeat throughout the day to retrain your brain away from negative thoughts into kind thoughts. 

I wonder if Jill's struggles with body-negativity are related to her mom's struggle with bulimia.  In the book 'authored' - but ghost-written - by the Duggar daughters, the combined older daughters discuss how their mom struggled with bulimia as a teenager until she met Jim Bob.  Jim Bob acted as an accountability partner and *poof* her bulimia was overcome.   My read on the situation is that her control issues found another outlet when they joined IBLP and started producing a baby or two a year for several decades.  Either way, I hope that Jill moves beyond disliking her body - and that Michelle did too.

CP/QF culture teaches that there are two steps to keeping men from having affairs.  The first step is for their wives to be sexually available all_the_time.  The second step is for wives to cling to their husbands like a limpet.  The final post in the series will look at Jill's tips for becoming a marriage mollusc.

Dreams Denied - Grief among Stay-at-Home Daughters

What happens to a dream deferred? 

Does it dry up
            like a raisin in the sun?
            Or fester like a sore ---
And then run?
                 Does it stink like rotten meat?
             Or crust and sugar over ---
      like a syrupy sweet?

    Maybe it just sags
    like a heavy load.

      Or does it explode?

-"Harlem" by Langston Hughes  

I've mentioned a few times here that I feel akin to Sarah Maxwell.   I think the solidarity I feel with Sarah Maxwell has to do with how similar we are in many ways.  We are both 37.  We both seem to have a gentle personality and are invested in making the people around us happy. 

At the same time, our lives are so very, very different.  I have a high school diploma with strong college preparatory credentials.  I have a bachelor's degree in Biology.  I earned a teaching licence.  I have a solid job history reaching back 21 years.   I've taught a few hundred students something about science - and hopefully a bit about life.   I've lived away from my parents' home for the last 12 years.  I dated different men.   I met a man who I wanted to spend my life with.  He asked me to marry him and I said yes.  We've stood together through a series of storms in our marriage which have exposed some weaknesses in our relationship - but knowing where our relationship needed work has made each of us grow as people.   I got pregnant three years ago and that exciting event sent us on a whirlwind adventure with a little boy I cherish more than I would have thought possible before I saw his tiny face and hear him yell for the first time.

My life has been hard at times, but I have the husband, the child and the career path I dreamed of as a child.

At the same point in life, Sarah Maxwell has her dog, Ellie.

It would be easy for me to say that Sarah and I ended up where we are because of the choices we make - but that's only half the picture.   I made the choices I did because my parents encouraged me to dream as big as I wanted.  My parents taught that all lives, all jobs, and all paths have value - and that they would be incandescently proud of me wherever my path took me.    By comparison, Sarah Maxwell was taught that there was one, single, deceivingly smooth path to happiness by her parents.   If she was educated at home, saved herself emotionally and physically from romantic relationships until marriage, and did what her parents' wanted her to do, she would be rewarded with an early marriage to a man she adored.  She would have a house filled with children.  She would be a woman - but only by remaining a girl until her parents told her she could be a wife and mother.

I don't know Sarah Maxwell in person - but her life seems painfully constrained.  I've yet to read an anecdote written about her by either of her parents outside of the yearly boiler-plate announcement of her birthday.  She exists in the books written by her parents as a unseen figure in the background without any form or personality.   Reading between the lines in the Maxwell's "Managers of their Home" and "...their Schools", Sarah's been running the details of "Titus 2" - the Maxwell Family Ministry since she was 16 - but she's never directly thanked or described as the major stakeholder in the operation.   Like the rest of her career, her labor is supposed to support her parents and brother in an unseen way to avoid the criticism of having her work outside the home or becoming educated in a worldly way.   So she does the bookkeeping for her brothers' businesses - but isn't encouraged to get an accounting or business degree that would let her move ahead in a career.   She's written 11 children's books sold by her parent's vanity press - but the books written by her parents get top billing while her books are pushed to the bottom.  (I have my own suspicions about which lines sell more copies 😉)   She takes lovely pictures of her nieces and nephews - but doesn't seem to be allowed to start her own photography business unlike her brother Christopher.

Breeding Ellie was the only thing in her entire life that Sarah - and Sarah alone - owned.  According to Sarah's website, Ellie is registered as an English Cream Golden Retriever.   That's a bit weird in the US because the American Kennel Club only recognizes light golden, golden, and dark golden as accepted coat colors among Golden Retrievers - but England and Canada's kennel clubs do recognize a cream colored Golden Retriever - so maybe the papers are through Canada or England.  I know very, very little about breeding dogs - but this is already feeling like a stretch to me. 

Anyway.

Sarah seems to have been a responsible breeder.  She got Ellie tested for hip dysplasia genetics and found she was at low risk for passing on hip disorders. (Yay!)  Sarah never mentions the details of the other tests - but presumably she was tested for the other rare issues involving heart defects and elbow issues.  Most vets recommend breeding dogs at two to three years of age and Ellie is approaching four (if I'm doing my math right) so she's in prime breeding age for a litter or two of puppies before being spayed.  Sarah found a stud, had Ellie bred and was anticipating having puppies in late summer.

Unfortunately, disaster struck.  At the ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy, the vet found that Ellie was not pregnant.  She had developed pyometra which is a condition in intact (not spayed) female dogs where the uterus gets an infection.  Pyometra is a poorly understood condition because there seems to be some interplay between the number of heat cycles that a bitch has had, the level of inflammation in the uterus and the presence of bacteria.  It's more common in older bitches - which is part of the reason vets recommend spaying bitches when they are done being bred or as puppies if they are not being used for breeding.  The most effective treatment for pyometra is removal of the ovaries and uterus once the bitch is  medically stabilized so Sarah left Ellie at the vet overnight  on Wednesday July 10th for IV antibiotics and fluids followed by the surgery on Thursday morning.  Ellie did great and is at home recovering.

The shock of finding out that Ellie was not pregnant and that she was critically ill appears to have hit Sarah hard.   She posted a standard Maxwell picture of her holding Ellie as they loaded Ellie back into the car - and Sarah looks like she's been crying a lot.   The part that made me the most sad was that Sarah was already downplaying the incident when she wrote her first post by saying:

While I don’t understand, I know this is minor in the grand scheme of things. I trust, and I rest.

I don't think losing this dream is minor.  Sarah was raised to believe that her career and personal life goal was to marry young and produce many children.   Because of that belief, she has to live with the fact that she has failed as a woman every day.  Successfully breeding Ellie was one way that she could participate vicariously in the experience of pregnancy, birth and raising offspring.   Having Ellie's breeding career end on her first attempt means Sarah has failed at becoming a mother twice. 

I hope Sarah takes the time she needs and deserves to grieve the loss of breeding Ellie.  I hope she's supported if this loss brings up feelings about her grief over not being a wife or mother in a culture that has no place for single adult women.

In related Maxwell news, the Maxwells have revamped their diet (again) because of Steven's heart issues.  They are really playing up the diet changes - but that's because it helps cover up the fact that Steven had untreated high blood pressure and not-good cholesterol levels.   Peeps, get your BP and cholesterol checked.  Both of them can cause serious issues without any symptoms - and some people in excellent shape due to healthy eating and exercise have a genetic predisposition to high cholesterol due to quirks with their liver.

Joyfully At Home - Part Four

I've enjoyed reviewing Jasmine Baucham's "Joyfully At Home" much more than reviewing Debi Pearl's "Preparing to Be A Helpmeet", Sarah Mally's "Before You Meet Prince Charming" or Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin's "It's (Not) That Complicated".   Ms. Baucham was a talented writer at the age of 19 so her book is a much more pleasant read than the others.  Unlike the Botkin Sisters and Sarah Mally, Jasmine successfully transitioned from an unmarried stay-at-home daughter to an employed wife and mother.   And - in spite of Ms. Baucham's youth - she manages to give some decent advice from time to time in her book.

In this post, we'll look at three examples of decent advice - and the issues that CP/QF stay-at-home daughters (SAHDs) face in implementing them.

The first section of this post looks at a warning about escaping into fantasy when confronted with the grim realities of being a SAHD:

It happens to all of us. We become discontent and harried and look out over that pile of dirty dishes and sigh about the day when you'll be able to be supper on that the table for the man of your dreams - when there's a guy in your life who needs you, not just to change his diaper or to feed him applesauce. But, as I hope to discuss even more in continuing chapters, sowing habits of discontentment has two negative results. First, it takes our sights off of the here and now, and sucks the industry and joy out of today's service. Second, it becomes a part of our character and demeanor that is sure to hinder us later in life. Remember, this is not the only " waiting" season you will ever have to endure. Should the Lord bless us with husband someday, we may have to wait for job transfers, moving opportunities, a biblically functioning Church, the blessing of children... In every season of waiting, our response should be to rely on Christ is a true source of our joy. (pg. 70)

I believe in living in the present whenever possible.  We all have moments when the troubles and stresses of our current situation feel intermitable - but I prefer to look for the tiny moments of joy and happiness in that current situation rather than dream about a better future that may never come.

That last sentence sounds a bit grim, but let me give you a real life example.   Having a long-term NICU stay sucks.  Spawn was definitely a fighter - but he was terribly early and hadn't received a full 48 hours of prenatal steroids to let his lungs develop. Honestly, I didn't spend much time fantasizing about when he would be a healthy baby because that might never happen.  Instead, I focused on enjoying Spawn as he was.  I loved watching him explore his tubes, wires, mask and eye protection.  I cheered him on as he calmly wiggled his torso from side-to-side while moving his fists up and down to free one hand and forearm from his preemie-straightjacket.  I rejoiced in every new milestone like when he could move his eyes in their socket starting at 30 weeks - and encouraged his nurses to be happy with me. 

Enjoying the ups allowed me to be honest about the down times as well.   I loved Spawn more intensely than I had thought possible - but he wasn't out of the woods for nearly 6 weeks after he was born.  I was afraid every time the phone rang that the NICU was calling because Spawn had become critical...or terminal...and we needed to be there right now.   I cried myself to sleep for a week after a little girl who was born after Spawn died unexpectedly at 6 weeks because she was one of our NICU buddies.  Spawn's infancy was a rough time - but I have good memories because I was able to enjoy the sweet moments of him grabbing my fingers or playing alarm games with another preemie instead of waiting for the (nonexistent) moment when he would become a different baby.

Going back to the SAHDs, there is some reality to the fact that doing chores in your own home as an adult feels different than doing the same chores under your parents.  I can see why fantasizing about that would be relaxing - but marriage comes with responsibilities as well as freedom.  Your spouse does things differently than you do.  You do things differently than your spouse.  You both have different background assumptions - even if you both grew up in CP/QF homes.  Whose job is it to shovel the front porch in the winter?  How much money can each person spend without consulting their spouse?  Does grabbing take-out on the way home count as making dinner?   Getting married brings more people who may need care.  How much responsibility do you feel toward caring for aging grandparents?  Does it matter if they are your grandparents or your spouse's?  How much caring for aging parents are you willing and able to do?  Are you willing to have your parents move in with you?  How about your in-laws?

I find Ms. Baucham's list of things that the average person will need to wait for to be charmingly naive.  I know plenty of people who have had problems having children or ended up with a smaller (or larger) family than they planned.  I know scads of people who have been in a holding pattern waiting for a desired job.   I don't know any people whose largest concern in life is finding a Biblically-functioning church....and that includes the early Christians based on my understanding of the Epistles.  😋

Ms. Baucham's next quote gives young woman some good advice to keep the days from dragging:

Make your time at home full of activity and growth. You need to be doing something productive throughout the week, and you need to have at least one long-term project going. Don't sit at home spinning your wheels; an idling daughter is not an actively learning daughter. Communicate with your parents about something you could be doing on a weekly basis that blesses the body of Christ; talk to your parents about something you can do long term that will build character, perhaps even bring in some income. I find that busy hands are happy hands; an active mind is a mind at peace. If you set goals that don't include getting married in the next 6 months -- goals we can actually accomplish -- as you see progress, I guarantee, your whole attitude will be different; there's nothing like feeling capable and having a direction. (pg. 71)

Let me get my first objection out of the way: don't plan to marry anyone within the first six months of meeting them.   I dated my husband for a year before we were engaged and married 9 months after our engagement - and that was plenty fast for two people in their late twenties who had had previous romantic relationships AND had been living independently from their parents for at least 5 years each.

Equally importantly: don't focus on getting married within a certain time frame.  The mindset of "I NEED to get married" makes you very vulnerable to ignoring red flags in relationships and jumping into a marriage before you have a basic understanding of your partner's flaws and strengths.

Back to the broader topic of staying busy - I think Ms. Baucham's basic idea is sound.  After all, most women in their late teens and early twenties are busy in postsecondary education, vocational training or working entry-level jobs.   SAHDs should be emulating that level of growth and maturation to avoid the criticism that SAHDs are either mooching off their parents or are being trapped as unskilled domestic workers for the rest of their lives.   The devil is in the details, however.   What kind of ministry is available for high school graduates who are supposed to remain emotionally and physically separated from adult men?  Bible school for kids? Reaching out into the community will quickly expose SAHDs to the reality of unplanned pregnancies, the widespread acceptance of premarital sex, and the fact that most adults use birth control if only by hearing other adult women talking to each other while waiting for the kids at the end of class.

Since most (if not all) external ministries are out, what about family ministries?  Even the leaders of the CP/QF movement talk more about family ministries than they actually do them.   For most CP/QF families, having the time or money to run a ministry as a family is a pipe dream.

That leaves self-improvement in safe, domestic topics for SAHDs - but that's a costly proposal as well.

Cooking is a perennial favorite - but that requires a certain amount of extra money spent on groceries that is very unlikely to be available for elder daughters in larger families like Jana Duggar or Nurie Rodrigues.  Oddly enough, I see very few SAHDs who get into baking.  I like baking a lot - but it's more fincky than cooking and requires a lot of attention to details.  For some people, baking and cooking could lead to a meal service or wedding cake business - but SAHD are mostly kept around large families with limited means....so that's not a great business plan. 

Gardening seems to be a topic that more SAHDs (and mommy bloggers) are theoretically interested in than actually do.  I suspect this is because gardening has some up-front costs that are hard to avoid.  At a bare minimum, a SAHD would need a shovel, a hoe, a length of hose from an external tap to the garden plot, fencing materials, seeds, and plants.   My estimate is that the SAHD would need $200 up front to start a garden and a few hundred hours of labor to prepare the bed, build the fence, plant, water, weed and harvest.   If she was a bit lucky and got good harvests on her first crops, she'd probably recoup the costs out of grocery bills - but gardening can be a bit tricky, too.   Personally, I'm great at root crops (minus carrots), beans, and tomatoes. I'm alright at squash and peppers.  I've never gotten a carrot to harvest size in one year - and we eat a ton of those!  I'm trying a fall crop of peas this year because spring never works well; it gets too hot too fast and we get like 10 peas per plant.  Anyways, I didn't get particularly large harvests until I had been gardening a few years - but maybe other people are luckier. 

The final domestic talent I've seen occasionally is sewing.  Jana Duggar sews well enough to tailor her sisters' bridesmaid dresses.  Nurie Rodrigues made a rag rug a few years back.    The Maxwell girls all sew skirts.   Again, the issue with sewing is cost.  A basic new sewing machine can be gotten on sale for around $100; used ones can be gotten cheaper though Goodwill auctions, eBay, etc.   Material costs vary by fabric and quality, but it's a minimum of $4-5 dollars a yard for a cotton calico.   Notions like needles, buttons, zippers, thread etc., run a few more dollars per project.   Patterns can be gotten on sale for $0.99 - 1.50 a few times a year at major retailers or free (sometimes) on the internet.  I'd also recommend a basic sewing informational book - I think mine is literally called "Sewing Basics" - that gives step-by-step directions with photos for a lot of things I get confused by like mitered corners or appliques.   A cheaper option is hand-sewing - but that takes a lot of time....which may not be such a problem for a SAHD, really.   I'm an avid crocheter - and I learned that from my mom who has been gainfully employed since my brother was 18 months old.  (Turns out women can work and be good domestic managers at the same time!) Added bonus, it's pretty cheap since bargain quality yarn is $3-5 dollars for a small project and a hook is $1.50-3.00.  I'm afraid, though, that even that small outlay is beyond a lot of families in the CP/QF lifestyle.

In the last quote, Ms. Baucham shows a gracious and grateful way of discussing family members who are not Christians - or more accurately - not the type of Christians that a SAHD would find to be correct:

For daughters with less-than-perfect parents: Newsflash, they're all less than perfect; it's the nature of the Fall. However, if your parents are non-believers, you can still respectfully disagree with some aspects of their lifestyle while learning from them. My own parents have experienced that; they didn't have the privilege of growing up in a biblically-functioning family like I do, but they can still offer wise proverbs that their parents taught them, and they can still draw lessons from lives of those that are older and wiser than they. (pg. 72)

What a refreshing change from the 'godless atheists' of Geoffrey Botkin's attacks on his parents!  So much more respectful than Steven Maxwell's spiel of 'I drank alcohol as a teenager because my dad let me take sips as a kid!  Blame him; I'm faultless!'   Honestly, Ms. Baucham's take on interacting with people of different belief systems than you is truly Christ-like.  In the story of the healing of the Syrophoencian's daughter in Matthew 15:21-28, Jesus is schooled by a woman who believes he can heal her daughter even though she's not Jewish.  Her faith in Jesus is stronger than the faith of other people who came from the same belief system and culture - and it serves as a warning to Christians to avoid judging people by external characteristics. 

The next post in the series discusses reasons that SAHD despair of ever getting married.