Dreams Denied - Grief among Stay-at-Home Daughters

What happens to a dream deferred? 

Does it dry up
            like a raisin in the sun?
            Or fester like a sore ---
And then run?
                 Does it stink like rotten meat?
             Or crust and sugar over ---
      like a syrupy sweet?

    Maybe it just sags
    like a heavy load.

      Or does it explode?

-"Harlem" by Langston Hughes  

I've mentioned a few times here that I feel akin to Sarah Maxwell.   I think the solidarity I feel with Sarah Maxwell has to do with how similar we are in many ways.  We are both 37.  We both seem to have a gentle personality and are invested in making the people around us happy. 

At the same time, our lives are so very, very different.  I have a high school diploma with strong college preparatory credentials.  I have a bachelor's degree in Biology.  I earned a teaching licence.  I have a solid job history reaching back 21 years.   I've taught a few hundred students something about science - and hopefully a bit about life.   I've lived away from my parents' home for the last 12 years.  I dated different men.   I met a man who I wanted to spend my life with.  He asked me to marry him and I said yes.  We've stood together through a series of storms in our marriage which have exposed some weaknesses in our relationship - but knowing where our relationship needed work has made each of us grow as people.   I got pregnant three years ago and that exciting event sent us on a whirlwind adventure with a little boy I cherish more than I would have thought possible before I saw his tiny face and hear him yell for the first time.

My life has been hard at times, but I have the husband, the child and the career path I dreamed of as a child.

At the same point in life, Sarah Maxwell has her dog, Ellie.

It would be easy for me to say that Sarah and I ended up where we are because of the choices we make - but that's only half the picture.   I made the choices I did because my parents encouraged me to dream as big as I wanted.  My parents taught that all lives, all jobs, and all paths have value - and that they would be incandescently proud of me wherever my path took me.    By comparison, Sarah Maxwell was taught that there was one, single, deceivingly smooth path to happiness by her parents.   If she was educated at home, saved herself emotionally and physically from romantic relationships until marriage, and did what her parents' wanted her to do, she would be rewarded with an early marriage to a man she adored.  She would have a house filled with children.  She would be a woman - but only by remaining a girl until her parents told her she could be a wife and mother.

I don't know Sarah Maxwell in person - but her life seems painfully constrained.  I've yet to read an anecdote written about her by either of her parents outside of the yearly boiler-plate announcement of her birthday.  She exists in the books written by her parents as a unseen figure in the background without any form or personality.   Reading between the lines in the Maxwell's "Managers of their Home" and "...their Schools", Sarah's been running the details of "Titus 2" - the Maxwell Family Ministry since she was 16 - but she's never directly thanked or described as the major stakeholder in the operation.   Like the rest of her career, her labor is supposed to support her parents and brother in an unseen way to avoid the criticism of having her work outside the home or becoming educated in a worldly way.   So she does the bookkeeping for her brothers' businesses - but isn't encouraged to get an accounting or business degree that would let her move ahead in a career.   She's written 11 children's books sold by her parent's vanity press - but the books written by her parents get top billing while her books are pushed to the bottom.  (I have my own suspicions about which lines sell more copies 😉)   She takes lovely pictures of her nieces and nephews - but doesn't seem to be allowed to start her own photography business unlike her brother Christopher.

Breeding Ellie was the only thing in her entire life that Sarah - and Sarah alone - owned.  According to Sarah's website, Ellie is registered as an English Cream Golden Retriever.   That's a bit weird in the US because the American Kennel Club only recognizes light golden, golden, and dark golden as accepted coat colors among Golden Retrievers - but England and Canada's kennel clubs do recognize a cream colored Golden Retriever - so maybe the papers are through Canada or England.  I know very, very little about breeding dogs - but this is already feeling like a stretch to me. 

Anyway.

Sarah seems to have been a responsible breeder.  She got Ellie tested for hip dysplasia genetics and found she was at low risk for passing on hip disorders. (Yay!)  Sarah never mentions the details of the other tests - but presumably she was tested for the other rare issues involving heart defects and elbow issues.  Most vets recommend breeding dogs at two to three years of age and Ellie is approaching four (if I'm doing my math right) so she's in prime breeding age for a litter or two of puppies before being spayed.  Sarah found a stud, had Ellie bred and was anticipating having puppies in late summer.

Unfortunately, disaster struck.  At the ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy, the vet found that Ellie was not pregnant.  She had developed pyometra which is a condition in intact (not spayed) female dogs where the uterus gets an infection.  Pyometra is a poorly understood condition because there seems to be some interplay between the number of heat cycles that a bitch has had, the level of inflammation in the uterus and the presence of bacteria.  It's more common in older bitches - which is part of the reason vets recommend spaying bitches when they are done being bred or as puppies if they are not being used for breeding.  The most effective treatment for pyometra is removal of the ovaries and uterus once the bitch is  medically stabilized so Sarah left Ellie at the vet overnight  on Wednesday July 10th for IV antibiotics and fluids followed by the surgery on Thursday morning.  Ellie did great and is at home recovering.

The shock of finding out that Ellie was not pregnant and that she was critically ill appears to have hit Sarah hard.   She posted a standard Maxwell picture of her holding Ellie as they loaded Ellie back into the car - and Sarah looks like she's been crying a lot.   The part that made me the most sad was that Sarah was already downplaying the incident when she wrote her first post by saying:

While I don’t understand, I know this is minor in the grand scheme of things. I trust, and I rest.

I don't think losing this dream is minor.  Sarah was raised to believe that her career and personal life goal was to marry young and produce many children.   Because of that belief, she has to live with the fact that she has failed as a woman every day.  Successfully breeding Ellie was one way that she could participate vicariously in the experience of pregnancy, birth and raising offspring.   Having Ellie's breeding career end on her first attempt means Sarah has failed at becoming a mother twice. 

I hope Sarah takes the time she needs and deserves to grieve the loss of breeding Ellie.  I hope she's supported if this loss brings up feelings about her grief over not being a wife or mother in a culture that has no place for single adult women.

In related Maxwell news, the Maxwells have revamped their diet (again) because of Steven's heart issues.  They are really playing up the diet changes - but that's because it helps cover up the fact that Steven had untreated high blood pressure and not-good cholesterol levels.   Peeps, get your BP and cholesterol checked.  Both of them can cause serious issues without any symptoms - and some people in excellent shape due to healthy eating and exercise have a genetic predisposition to high cholesterol due to quirks with their liver.