Joyfully At Home - Part Four

I've enjoyed reviewing Jasmine Baucham's "Joyfully At Home" much more than reviewing Debi Pearl's "Preparing to Be A Helpmeet", Sarah Mally's "Before You Meet Prince Charming" or Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin's "It's (Not) That Complicated".   Ms. Baucham was a talented writer at the age of 19 so her book is a much more pleasant read than the others.  Unlike the Botkin Sisters and Sarah Mally, Jasmine successfully transitioned from an unmarried stay-at-home daughter to an employed wife and mother.   And - in spite of Ms. Baucham's youth - she manages to give some decent advice from time to time in her book.

In this post, we'll look at three examples of decent advice - and the issues that CP/QF stay-at-home daughters (SAHDs) face in implementing them.

The first section of this post looks at a warning about escaping into fantasy when confronted with the grim realities of being a SAHD:

It happens to all of us. We become discontent and harried and look out over that pile of dirty dishes and sigh about the day when you'll be able to be supper on that the table for the man of your dreams - when there's a guy in your life who needs you, not just to change his diaper or to feed him applesauce. But, as I hope to discuss even more in continuing chapters, sowing habits of discontentment has two negative results. First, it takes our sights off of the here and now, and sucks the industry and joy out of today's service. Second, it becomes a part of our character and demeanor that is sure to hinder us later in life. Remember, this is not the only " waiting" season you will ever have to endure. Should the Lord bless us with husband someday, we may have to wait for job transfers, moving opportunities, a biblically functioning Church, the blessing of children... In every season of waiting, our response should be to rely on Christ is a true source of our joy. (pg. 70)

I believe in living in the present whenever possible.  We all have moments when the troubles and stresses of our current situation feel intermitable - but I prefer to look for the tiny moments of joy and happiness in that current situation rather than dream about a better future that may never come.

That last sentence sounds a bit grim, but let me give you a real life example.   Having a long-term NICU stay sucks.  Spawn was definitely a fighter - but he was terribly early and hadn't received a full 48 hours of prenatal steroids to let his lungs develop. Honestly, I didn't spend much time fantasizing about when he would be a healthy baby because that might never happen.  Instead, I focused on enjoying Spawn as he was.  I loved watching him explore his tubes, wires, mask and eye protection.  I cheered him on as he calmly wiggled his torso from side-to-side while moving his fists up and down to free one hand and forearm from his preemie-straightjacket.  I rejoiced in every new milestone like when he could move his eyes in their socket starting at 30 weeks - and encouraged his nurses to be happy with me. 

Enjoying the ups allowed me to be honest about the down times as well.   I loved Spawn more intensely than I had thought possible - but he wasn't out of the woods for nearly 6 weeks after he was born.  I was afraid every time the phone rang that the NICU was calling because Spawn had become critical...or terminal...and we needed to be there right now.   I cried myself to sleep for a week after a little girl who was born after Spawn died unexpectedly at 6 weeks because she was one of our NICU buddies.  Spawn's infancy was a rough time - but I have good memories because I was able to enjoy the sweet moments of him grabbing my fingers or playing alarm games with another preemie instead of waiting for the (nonexistent) moment when he would become a different baby.

Going back to the SAHDs, there is some reality to the fact that doing chores in your own home as an adult feels different than doing the same chores under your parents.  I can see why fantasizing about that would be relaxing - but marriage comes with responsibilities as well as freedom.  Your spouse does things differently than you do.  You do things differently than your spouse.  You both have different background assumptions - even if you both grew up in CP/QF homes.  Whose job is it to shovel the front porch in the winter?  How much money can each person spend without consulting their spouse?  Does grabbing take-out on the way home count as making dinner?   Getting married brings more people who may need care.  How much responsibility do you feel toward caring for aging grandparents?  Does it matter if they are your grandparents or your spouse's?  How much caring for aging parents are you willing and able to do?  Are you willing to have your parents move in with you?  How about your in-laws?

I find Ms. Baucham's list of things that the average person will need to wait for to be charmingly naive.  I know plenty of people who have had problems having children or ended up with a smaller (or larger) family than they planned.  I know scads of people who have been in a holding pattern waiting for a desired job.   I don't know any people whose largest concern in life is finding a Biblically-functioning church....and that includes the early Christians based on my understanding of the Epistles.  😋

Ms. Baucham's next quote gives young woman some good advice to keep the days from dragging:

Make your time at home full of activity and growth. You need to be doing something productive throughout the week, and you need to have at least one long-term project going. Don't sit at home spinning your wheels; an idling daughter is not an actively learning daughter. Communicate with your parents about something you could be doing on a weekly basis that blesses the body of Christ; talk to your parents about something you can do long term that will build character, perhaps even bring in some income. I find that busy hands are happy hands; an active mind is a mind at peace. If you set goals that don't include getting married in the next 6 months -- goals we can actually accomplish -- as you see progress, I guarantee, your whole attitude will be different; there's nothing like feeling capable and having a direction. (pg. 71)

Let me get my first objection out of the way: don't plan to marry anyone within the first six months of meeting them.   I dated my husband for a year before we were engaged and married 9 months after our engagement - and that was plenty fast for two people in their late twenties who had had previous romantic relationships AND had been living independently from their parents for at least 5 years each.

Equally importantly: don't focus on getting married within a certain time frame.  The mindset of "I NEED to get married" makes you very vulnerable to ignoring red flags in relationships and jumping into a marriage before you have a basic understanding of your partner's flaws and strengths.

Back to the broader topic of staying busy - I think Ms. Baucham's basic idea is sound.  After all, most women in their late teens and early twenties are busy in postsecondary education, vocational training or working entry-level jobs.   SAHDs should be emulating that level of growth and maturation to avoid the criticism that SAHDs are either mooching off their parents or are being trapped as unskilled domestic workers for the rest of their lives.   The devil is in the details, however.   What kind of ministry is available for high school graduates who are supposed to remain emotionally and physically separated from adult men?  Bible school for kids? Reaching out into the community will quickly expose SAHDs to the reality of unplanned pregnancies, the widespread acceptance of premarital sex, and the fact that most adults use birth control if only by hearing other adult women talking to each other while waiting for the kids at the end of class.

Since most (if not all) external ministries are out, what about family ministries?  Even the leaders of the CP/QF movement talk more about family ministries than they actually do them.   For most CP/QF families, having the time or money to run a ministry as a family is a pipe dream.

That leaves self-improvement in safe, domestic topics for SAHDs - but that's a costly proposal as well.

Cooking is a perennial favorite - but that requires a certain amount of extra money spent on groceries that is very unlikely to be available for elder daughters in larger families like Jana Duggar or Nurie Rodrigues.  Oddly enough, I see very few SAHDs who get into baking.  I like baking a lot - but it's more fincky than cooking and requires a lot of attention to details.  For some people, baking and cooking could lead to a meal service or wedding cake business - but SAHD are mostly kept around large families with limited means....so that's not a great business plan. 

Gardening seems to be a topic that more SAHDs (and mommy bloggers) are theoretically interested in than actually do.  I suspect this is because gardening has some up-front costs that are hard to avoid.  At a bare minimum, a SAHD would need a shovel, a hoe, a length of hose from an external tap to the garden plot, fencing materials, seeds, and plants.   My estimate is that the SAHD would need $200 up front to start a garden and a few hundred hours of labor to prepare the bed, build the fence, plant, water, weed and harvest.   If she was a bit lucky and got good harvests on her first crops, she'd probably recoup the costs out of grocery bills - but gardening can be a bit tricky, too.   Personally, I'm great at root crops (minus carrots), beans, and tomatoes. I'm alright at squash and peppers.  I've never gotten a carrot to harvest size in one year - and we eat a ton of those!  I'm trying a fall crop of peas this year because spring never works well; it gets too hot too fast and we get like 10 peas per plant.  Anyways, I didn't get particularly large harvests until I had been gardening a few years - but maybe other people are luckier. 

The final domestic talent I've seen occasionally is sewing.  Jana Duggar sews well enough to tailor her sisters' bridesmaid dresses.  Nurie Rodrigues made a rag rug a few years back.    The Maxwell girls all sew skirts.   Again, the issue with sewing is cost.  A basic new sewing machine can be gotten on sale for around $100; used ones can be gotten cheaper though Goodwill auctions, eBay, etc.   Material costs vary by fabric and quality, but it's a minimum of $4-5 dollars a yard for a cotton calico.   Notions like needles, buttons, zippers, thread etc., run a few more dollars per project.   Patterns can be gotten on sale for $0.99 - 1.50 a few times a year at major retailers or free (sometimes) on the internet.  I'd also recommend a basic sewing informational book - I think mine is literally called "Sewing Basics" - that gives step-by-step directions with photos for a lot of things I get confused by like mitered corners or appliques.   A cheaper option is hand-sewing - but that takes a lot of time....which may not be such a problem for a SAHD, really.   I'm an avid crocheter - and I learned that from my mom who has been gainfully employed since my brother was 18 months old.  (Turns out women can work and be good domestic managers at the same time!) Added bonus, it's pretty cheap since bargain quality yarn is $3-5 dollars for a small project and a hook is $1.50-3.00.  I'm afraid, though, that even that small outlay is beyond a lot of families in the CP/QF lifestyle.

In the last quote, Ms. Baucham shows a gracious and grateful way of discussing family members who are not Christians - or more accurately - not the type of Christians that a SAHD would find to be correct:

For daughters with less-than-perfect parents: Newsflash, they're all less than perfect; it's the nature of the Fall. However, if your parents are non-believers, you can still respectfully disagree with some aspects of their lifestyle while learning from them. My own parents have experienced that; they didn't have the privilege of growing up in a biblically-functioning family like I do, but they can still offer wise proverbs that their parents taught them, and they can still draw lessons from lives of those that are older and wiser than they. (pg. 72)

What a refreshing change from the 'godless atheists' of Geoffrey Botkin's attacks on his parents!  So much more respectful than Steven Maxwell's spiel of 'I drank alcohol as a teenager because my dad let me take sips as a kid!  Blame him; I'm faultless!'   Honestly, Ms. Baucham's take on interacting with people of different belief systems than you is truly Christ-like.  In the story of the healing of the Syrophoencian's daughter in Matthew 15:21-28, Jesus is schooled by a woman who believes he can heal her daughter even though she's not Jewish.  Her faith in Jesus is stronger than the faith of other people who came from the same belief system and culture - and it serves as a warning to Christians to avoid judging people by external characteristics. 

The next post in the series discusses reasons that SAHD despair of ever getting married.