Maxwell Mania: Bothering Service Reps - Case 1

Hello, everybody!

 Life has been busy in wintery Michigan. I am officially the mother of a three-year old preschool student! After two preparatory visits, Spawn has taken along swimmingly to the morning session of Early Childhood Special Education.  He's using his waker more around the house, talking up a storm and showing more and more independence which as been amazing to see as his mom.

The only downside is that he's been exhausted which has brought two (hopefully transient) issues.  The first issue is that he's started having night terrors again.  Spawn clearly doesn't remember the terrors in the morning - but he's so exhausted at night that getting him either awake enough to calm down or settled back in his 80% asleep state was taking over an hour.  He was having 2-3 a night so my sleep was getting badly disrupted.   The second issue is that when he's tired, he picks at itchy areas on his skin until it bleeds which then terrifies him.  That's something he inherited from me and my mom; we both do the same thing when overtired or stressed.  Thankfully, he seems to be less inclined to do it when we slather itchy areas with anti-itch cream and sore areas with antibiotics with topical pain relievers in them.

His teacher was happy with how school was going for him - and so was I.  Spawn was so proud of the art projects he made at school that he's been carrying them around the house for days at a time.  In consulting with his teacher, we all agreed that Spawn would benefit from a shortened day of two hours rather than three hours until he's a bit older and has a bit more stamina.  Thankfully, I drive him to school and have nothing going on during his preschool hours so adapting the schedule was a piece of cake.

The other part of my life that is really busy right now is work at my local DIY big-box store.  Turns out that Christmas shopping at that retailer is pretty busy for people who like power tools.  I was clueless about that before I worked there - but the more you know, right?

Now that I'm in the trenches of retail again, I'd like to start a sporadic series on how obnoxious the Maxwell-style of attempting to convert service workers are.   For the record, I find unsolicited conversion pitches obnoxious as fuck to start with - but targeting service workers is a sign of cowardice.

What do I mean by that? 

Let me start with a counter-example.  When I was a kid, there was a local church or cultic family that would show up at a corner during a local arts festival with signs about how God hated everyone who disagreed with this church and would debate all comers.   Obviously, I disagree with every statement made by these people inclusively - but at least they were facing opposition from people on a fair playing field.  Other people could attack their beliefs aggressively, insult them, or walk away without any fear of retribution.

Service workers don't have that.   When I'm mixing paint for you, I can't call your beliefs puerile and self-centered without fear of getting written up.   When I'm ringing up your order, I can't call you an evil minded sociopath with less intelligence or creativity than a mollusc without fearing for my continued employment.   And worst of all,  I cannot walk away.   I've still got to color match your paint swatch regardless of how obnoxiously you are trying to convert me.

And yet, the Maxwells share these stories as if they are something to be proud of.  This gem is the last few paragraphs of a "Seriously Dad" article on the dangers of worldly friends:

I had finished writing this article when I met a sixty-year-old man whose life story was the perfect but sad conclusion to this series. While I was waiting for him to complete some paperwork that I needed, I asked him where he would be in a million years. He said he would be dirt. I countered him by saying that certainly his body would be dirt, but where would he be?

Was the man a government official compiling some documents for Maxwell?  An underpaid public servant working their way through documents written in a strange form of English spoken by no one outside of government?  A medical office worker slogging through referral forms?  A custom furnishing associate working on placing an order for a kitchen remodel?

We never find out - but there is no part of filling out forms for another person that is made easier by having a self-important twit changing the subject.

The clerk is my hero for pointing out the obvious: in a million years, we will all be dirt.  And, Steve - the clerk's response is seriously Biblical according to Genesis 3:19 KJV.

The clerk had two other un-objectionable options here. 

• My go-to is full-voiced self-talk while filling in the forms.  Steven Maxwell asks me where I'll be in a million years and I reply "So that's W-H-I...drat...W-H-I-T-E-space-M-O-D....there we go... click!...and that's...um .....Behr....drat...backspace, no, escape.....semi-....wait, interior" until I'm at a point where I can end the interaction.   After all, I'm required to get paint for you and to be polite; I'm not required to hold a running conversation to amuse you at the same time.  No manager is going to give me a hard time for choosing to do my work well by making sure I have the paint order entered right rather than discuss my theological leanings.
• Another option - but I can only do it if I'm already in a good mood and not snippy - is to treat all subject changes as related to their paint order.  In this example, I'd say "I've never heard of 'Million Year' color.  Let me search it. " I would search the color - slowly - until either they break and state they are off-topic or I've found "Million Year" (or something I can try and pass off as that) so the person is faced with getting a weird unseen paint color if they continue this game of theirs.   As soon as they are back on-topic of buying paint and clarifying their paint color, I'd summarize their order, inform them of the expected time of completion and move to a computer away from them.  

Discerning where the conversation was going, he briefly described his childhood. He was raised by very conservative, Christian parents who went to church three times a week and read the Bible together every night after dinner. His folks didn’t drink or smoke, but he decided he wanted to do those things. Therefore, he hasn’t touched a Bible in many decades and has no interest in spiritual things. My heart was grieving for him and his parents when I summed it up like this. “So it is a personal preference—along the lines of your parents like vanilla but you like chocolate?” He smiled at me and said, “Exactly!”

I disagree a bit with Steven on the guy's motivation.  I've totally invented entire background stories to keep pushy fundamentalists busy.   Telling his story - or making up a story as he went - sounds much more amusing than listening to Steven try more and more hackneyed hooks to turn conversations into conversion spiels.

Steven spends a lot of time reading his Bible allegedly, right?   So....why doesn't he realize that the Bible has no admonitions against drinking alcohol as long as the drinker avoids drunkenness?  Similarly, remind me of the Bible passage that deals with smoking Steve. 

Does anyone find it unlikely that a 60-year old guy who is filling out forms said "I drink and smoke.  My parents didn't.  Clearly, I don't read the Bible and have no interest in spiritual things!"  Call me cynical - but I suspect that Steven is adding his own personal assumptions that no one who drinks or smokes can regularly read the Bible or be interested in spiritual things.   If you drop the sentence that begins with the word 'Therefore', the conversation sounds more plausible.  With it included, Steven makes the guy sound far more 'worldly' than most people are in my neck of the woods.

I asked him what had happened when it sounded like he had the perfect Christian home? Did he have friends who led him the wrong way? He looked at me with an expression that said, “Now you got it.” And then verbally affirmed, “Exactly!” With a heavy heart I left him and wondered how parents could ever think that it wouldn’t matter if their children had worldly friends.

To beat a dead horse - Maxwell reads the Bible, right?  Remind me of the passage where Jesus tells his followers to go to church three times a week and read the Bible daily.  Oh, wait......

How much more horrible would this story be if the guy responded to Maxwell's assumption about the 'perfect' Christian home with any of the stories of domestic abuse that have come out in CP/QF families?  Imagine if he had replied:

• "I don't find drinking and smoking to be as bad as the fact that my dad was raping my sisters."
• "Well, once I found out that my parents knew my brother was molesting my sisters and girls staying over at our house and didn't stop him, it really undermined the message of how bad drinking and smoking was."
• "Yeah, my doctor wants me to quit smoking - but he really wishes that someone had intervened when my dad beat me so badly he left scars all over me.  Kinda undermines the message, you know?"

What kills me about this whole story is that Maxwell seems completely oblivious to how much of the conversation he spends asking leading question - and how little information he's communicating.    Look at it typed out as a script with the dialogue I'm skeptical about in italics:

Steven Maxwell (SM): "Where will you be in a million years?"

Heroic Form-Man (HFM): "Dirt."

SM: "Certainly, your body will be dirt, but where will you be?"

HFM: "Well, I was raised by very conservative Christian parents who went to church three times a week and read the Bible together after dinner.  My parents didn't smoke or drink, but I do.  (I have not touched a Bible in decades.  I have no interest in spiritual things.)"

SM: "So it is a personal preference - along the lines of your parents like chocolate, but you like vanilla?"

HFM:  (smiling) "Exactly!"

SM: "What happened (since you came from such a perfect Christian home)?  Your friends (lead you astray)?

HFM:  (hands Maxwell the forms) "Exactly!"

Ignore what we know about Steven Maxwell from his writings for a second - and this becomes a completely wasted effort by Maxwell.   Heroic Form-Man has no idea that Maxwell is piously heartbroken for the outcome of this man's life.  Honestly, Heroic Form-Man is rightfully patting his back at having pulled out the "dirt!" response and having gotten through filling out the forms without being pressured to pray the "Sinner's Prayer" in the middle of his workplace.

Heroic Form-Man - we salute you!  Hurrah!

May your break room discussions of the Maxwell Incident always bring shared humor and camaraderie!  Hurrah!

May we all follow your lead and answer leading questions by refusing to go there!  Hurrah!