The Battle Of Peer Dependency: Chapter Three - Part Five

In broader Christian life, people are supposed to put God first, others second, and themselves last.  Swap out "God" for "Jesus" and you get the acronym "JOY".  Plenty has been written about the dangers of placing seven billion people's needs in front of your own needs - but Christians pretty solidly agree  that following the will of God should be first.

Well, Marina Sears in her opus "The Battle of Peer Dependency" repeatedly demonstrates that CP/QF families expect their children to place the desires of the parents first, God second, and everyone else in the universe last:

For five years, I didn't understand that the reason he didn't want to go in the direction that God was pointing our family was because he had decided in his heart that he wanted to go in the direction of his friends. So I approached my child and asked him, " Do I have your heart?" I was wondering who was on the throne of his life in relationship to Proverbs 23:26 and Malachi 4:5-6.

"No," he replied.

With heart pounding, I asked, "Does God have your heart?"

His answer was the same. "No!"

"Well, who does have your heart?" I asked.

" I do," he said.

Panic flooded my soul is I thought about the ramifications of his answer.  Questions filled my mind as I struggled with what to do. How can I change this heart? Is there anything another individual can do in order to change the heart of another person? Is God the only one who can change a person's heart? (pgs. 37-38)

Mrs. Sears sets up this entire chapter leading to a climax where she realizes that she's lost the heart of her son to peer dependency - and the implication is that any response from parents no matter how draconian is legitimate to make the child or teenager give their heart back to the parent.

That was her intent, but the story as written makes her seem deranged. 

I hope in real life she had taken some time to lead into a loaded question with her son before tossing "Do I have your heart?" at him - but as written - she may well have thrown the question at him while shopping, or doing laundry or passing in the hallway.

More broadly, the first correct answer should have been "Yes, you have my heart, mother!" rather than declaring allegiance to God above all others or explaining that under Biblical principles the teenager was an adult responsible for his life choices before God starting at age 13 - so it would immoral for him to give his heart to his mother.   His mother clearly throws the question about God out as a frantic attempt to regain mastery of the situation - but the fact that obedience to God is a secondary concern permeates the entire story. The invocation of Malachi 4:5-6 is unintentionally ironic given Mrs. Sears' placement of God as less important than herself; Malachi 4 is a standard warning from a prophet that people are drifting away from worship of the Lord and that divine smiting is approaching again.  The declaration of parents and children turning to each other means nothing outside of the fact that parents teach their children how to obey the Law - and teaching children encourages parents to obey the Law as well. 

Including Proverbs 23:26 shows CP/QF's sloppy methodology of reading comprehension; that verse is the beginning of a parental decree that young men don't have sex with prostitutes and don't marry young women who will cheat on them.  While good advice, it's not exactly groundbreaking in terms of parental advice - and certainly not a huge thrust of Christian life.

The frantic questions that Mrs. Sears asks herself about how she can change her son's heart are both touching and disturbing at the same time.   The questions are heartbreaking because the questions echo the pathos of parents who see that their children are on a dangerous path but are unable to stop the choices being made by the older teen or adult child.    Those same questions take on a disturbing patina, however, when directed at a young teen or tween by a parent who literally controls everything in that person's life.   Mrs. Sears had effectively isolated her children from every outside influence that could provide some grounding outside of her personal desires.  She is their teacher - and their mother - and the person who keeps her children away from outside families in their church.   The same wrenching questions asked by a parent whose child is spiralling into mental illness or criminal behavior become sinister when the parent is asking the questions of a healthy, law-abiding teen who wants to play volleyball with his friends and listen to pop music.

The last quote that we'll discuss from this chapter is proffered as a way to test of a child is peer-dependent.   Honestly, the activities discussed here remind me far more of a cult leader assessing if their followers are suitably dependent on them or a domestic abuser trying to see if they have adequate control over their victims than normal parent-child behavior:

One approach a parent might take in order to find out if his son or daughter is peer dependent is to tell your child that all outside activities with peers will be suspended for one week. Will your child willingly and joyfully go along with that plan, or will they whine and cry, manipulate and control, and completely make your life miserable until they can do things with their friends? Another approach is to simply ask, "Who has your heart?" or "Who would you say is in control of your life?" (pg. 38)

"Hello, family.  This is your Beloved Leader speaking.   All peer activities will be canceled this week.  Everything here is happy and neutral* here!"

That is a level of behavior and emotional control that I have not expected out of my child since he was around 4 months old.

Why 4 months?  That's about when he started to figure out that he was a separate person from me.

 I do expect my son to eventually go along with decisions he doesn't like - but I always explain why (as best I can) in an age-appropriate method and I accept that "going along" doesn't mean "be happy about the decision".   

For example, I went to a new park with him that had paved walking/biking paths so he could use his walker.   I hadn't realized that the park had several playground areas scattered about.   My son really wanted to go play on the playground - especially the one that was perfectly preschooler sized - but we couldn't because public play equipment is closed under the current stay-at-home order. 

He's way too young to understand COVID-19 so I told him we couldn't play because that area was closed.   Spawn was angry-sad and he threw a tiny temper tantrum. (He actually picked up his walker and slammed it back onto the ground; I was impressed at his motor control while pissed off).

 I told him that I wanted to play there too - but we couldn't right now - and look, there's an area where like 7 paved paths come together....wouldn't that be fun in a walker?   He took off towards the merged paths area - which is all I ever expect in terms of "going along".

I didn't declare that his feelings were a sign that he was peer-dependent because 1)he's not; he's not quite into cooperative play yet and 2) I accept that he's needs more than being attached to me for his entire life.

Teaching your kids that any authority figure should be obeyed unquestioningly when giving harmful orders without any rationale is seductive if you want to control them.   Remember, though, that a parent who raises their kids like that is also raising their kids to be extremely attractive to abusive people.  Abusers are attracted to docile people who don't make a fuss when you isolate them from friends and family.......

*Yes, I've been watching "Tiger King" on Netflix - a story of 2-3 cults depending on how you class a cult.  For people who haven't watched, there's a guy named "Doc" Antle who is the head of a polygamous cult that supports itself by breeding tiger cubs and getting a lot of money from photo ops and cub petting.   There's a whole ton of cult-speak that spews out of Antle - but the point where he describes everyone as being "happy and neutral" was pretty much the moment that I said "Yup, that's the money-line for every cult."