The Battle Of Peer Dependence: Chapter Four- Part One

Parenting a three-year old during COVID-19 is a slog of "no, we can't do that."   The playland at McDonald's is closed; we can't play there.  One set of grandparents might have been exposed to COVID-19; we can't go see them for a few weeks.  Yes, we can walk at the park, but the swing set is closed.    My husband and I are both employed and getting tons of hours - so we're doing much better than many - but trying to explain why things are closed to a little boy is tricky.

Explaining that is tricky - but at least I don't lose my entire mind and blame a completely unrelated topic for my son's mild distress.   In "The Battle of Peer Dependence", Marina Sears takes her youngest son's transient disappointment about being young and decides that the entire problem is caused by her older sons having friends:

" Can I go?" Jeff asked as Chris and David prepared to leave the house to meet their friends for a game of volleyball.

" No, you're too young," was their reply.

As the door closed behind the boys, Jeff turned around and with tears streaming down his face, he said, " Mom, I won't ever be old enough to go."

At that moment I knew the emphasis our family placed on friends was out of balance, and it was attempting to destroy vital relationships between siblings. Upon closer examination of the activities the boys were involved in, it became evident that all the young people were within two to three years of being the same age. Parents and younger siblings did not accompany older brothers and sisters to activities. A child having an independent social life is a cultural phenomenon that has become an accepted practice in Christian homes, resulting in the decay and impotency of the modern Christian family. Many young people find their life shipwrecked because they have placed too much emphasis on friends instead of family.  (pgs. 41-42)

For context, Jeff is the son born several months after his father Jeff was killed in a car accident.  At the time of the fatal accident Chris was 7 years old, David was 5 years old, and Camille was one year old.   Marina leaves out the ages of any of the boys in this anecdote - but basic math implies that the age gap between the older two boys and Jeff places a large developmental gap between the three  of them.   If Jeff was 5, Chris would be 12 and David 10.  If Jeff was was 7, the other boys would be 14 and 12.    There would be a chunk of time where Jeff was genuinely too physically small and uncoordinated to be able to play volleyball safely with his older brothers' friends.

The weird thing for me is that Jeff is really clear on the fact that he's upset that he's younger than his older brothers - and Marina's response misses Jeff's entire lament.  Jeff is understandably upset that he's too young to go with his brothers - but that will not be the case forever!   By the time Jeff is 12, his older brothers will be 19 and 17; adding a 12 year old to a pick-up game of volleyball among older teens is much more reasonable than adding a kindergarten kid to a junior high volleyball game.  Once Jeff is an adult, Chris and David will also be adults - and the developmental gaps will be gone.

Instead, Mrs. Sears decides that the fact that the older boys have friends is the real issue - and that's crazy!  Yes. most kids hang out with people within 2-3 years of age; that's a feature, not a bug.  Children go through so many relatively rapid developmental phases before age 15 that hanging out with kids 4-5 years younger is not challenging or stimulating for the older kid - and can be frustrating and overwhelming for the younger kid. 

This gets more bonkers if we run through the situation assuming Jeff is a first-grader.

Let's say that Chris (14) and David (12) decided to bring Jeff  (7) along to the volleyball game.  How is this supposed to work?  Junior high teens can serve underhand (and possibly overhand) on a full-sized court and net.  Most will be able to bump for defense and spike at the net.  Some lucky souls will be able to set - and some will set accurately for a spike.  Jeff....might be able to bump with little control. Maybe.  He's not going to be able to serve over the net, spike or set.   How much fun is Jeff going to have as he learns that he's not good at volleyball  because he's too young to chalk his lack of skills up to age?

On the other hand, are the older kids supposed to play down to Jeff's level?  How is that fair to the older kids who are now playing volleyball on a short net with a shortened field trying to not use all of their skills because Mrs. Sears doesn't want to deal with her youngest child feeling left out?

I've noticed on CP/QF mommy-blogs the authors pull out that families should bring parents and younger siblings to older siblings' outings.  I assume this is because the women unconsciously assume that their younger children will benefit from being around more advanced kids - no matter how obnoxious or inconvenient it is for the hosts to have 3-7 younger kids and adults show up at an activity.   I also think the "full family attendance" families buy the line that since their younger kids hang around a wide age of people their younger kids are more mature than the "other" younger kids.  This has not held true in my limited experience.   The part that amuses me is that those same mommy-bloggers don't seem to hold their younger kids' activities to the same rules.   There's a level of cool social transgression to bring a pile of elementary school aged and preschool aged kids to a junior high arts class. After all, the subtext is that the junior high kids' experience  is unchanged by having their siblings around - and the younger kids are being exposed to something advanced.  Oddly enough, dragging a pile of high schoolers and older elementary school kids to a preschool story time feels less counter-cultural than completely oblivious to social norms.   I suppose that's because it's hard to explain how a 16 year old benefits from reading "Quiet and LOUD" in a group read-along after the group sang songs while playing with scarfs and recited a rhyme together. 

Do people make poor choices in peer groups?  Of course - but people make horrible choices in family groups as well - just ask the Dnggars or any of the other CP/QF families that have abuse occurring within a family.

Ms. Sears is trying to raise her family after a terrible tragedy.  My heart goes out to her - but her methods of controlling her kids do more harm than good.