Babbling Botkin: "What If My Husband Dies?" - Part Two

Hello! I hope you are having a great day!

A few days ago, I found a cute, small play kitchen at Goodwill.   Spawn is at an age where he loves to pretend to cook and he likes me to narrate what I'm doing in the kitchen so he can 'do' the same thing with his cups and spoons when he's corralled in the attached dining room/living room. 

Have I mentioned how much I hate having an open plan living space with a curious little boy who cruises as a primary form of movement?  I live in fear he's going to get minor burns from our heat-proof-but-still-hot oven door one of these days.  I digress. 

I loved the kitchen set - but there was one minor problem and one major problem.   The minor problem was it was a lurid pink covered in crayon scribbles.  I could live with that.  The major nearly deal breaking problem was that the set had a "Beauty and the Beast" theme.   I loved "Beauty and the Beast" as a kid - and am terrified that I was so in love with a story of an abusive man who kidnaps a girl who becomes brainwashed enough that she decides to marry him.   This is not a story I want to expose my son to - but man, the kitchen set was perfect.

Then I remembered that I work in a freaking paint department of a DIY retailer - so I presumably have the skills to refinish the damn thing.   

I took photos and will post a "how to" guide someday - but long story short - several coats of primer, some spray paint and a few paint samples turned the lurid mess of misogyny into a cast-iron stove with a white countertop, electric range and sink overtopped with a brown pantry that has some doors.   

I was hoping to have the countertop, range and sink detail painted tonight - but I found out the hard way that some paper wasps were building a nest on a dead microwave we had left on the porch.   I got away with a single sting, but my adrenaline is pretty high right now so my hands aren't steady enough to do the detail work.

On the other hand, I'm in a great head space to laugh at Geoffrey Botkin's blather.   We are just under 90 seconds into the YouTube video "What If My Husband Dies?"  So far, Botkin has explained that COVID isn't as scary as it seems - but people die and this lady is far more likely to have her husband die so we should talk about America.    Here he goes!

[00:01:29] Some men would never be missed if they died because they basically checked out of life and responsibility early on in their marriages.  And these men are pretty much dead weight in the home.  A lot of them don't even don't even work.  The wives are carrying the load financially.  Their families have no other option but to fill the void with mom doing all the leading and providing and the nurturing and the training of the young men. 

I wondered how Geoffrey Botkin's spiel to keep Anna Sofia and Elizabeth content with living at home now that they are both in their mid-thirties.   His spiel when they were younger was that there was no way either of them could safely determine the intentions of a man and that the world was filled with rogues and rapists looking to hurt them. 

I'd mistakenly assumed that spiel might shift to "God's Plan for you is to serve your family and nieces/nephews" - but he's so smooth during this point that I think the new talking point is "You might be the only unmarried CP/QF SAHDs of your age group - but all of the married couples are miserable! The wives work!  The husbands sit on the couch all day and play video games!  Their sons are being raised by women!" 

I guess that's a horror story - but those women do have her own home, her own job, their own children and a socially acceptable option for sex while his daughters do not.  Every option has consequences - and I sincerely hope his daughters are content and happy with living at home.

I know this part is supposed to sound horrific - but most marriages outside of CP/QF split up the leading, providing, nurturing and training across both spouses anyways.   I do help out with providing for my family - and my husband nurtures and trains our son, too.   I take the lead in some areas - housework, shopping, education and medical care for Jack - while my husband takes the lead in finances, home/automotive repair, and musical play with Jack.   We both seek the other person's opinion on major decisions - but my husband is much better at running down the best price to durability options for a lawn mower while I'm better at laying out which options are available for PT during a pandemic with Jack.   

Random subject change: what is Geoffrey Botkin's way of supporting his wife and two or three dependent adult children?  Investments?  Royalties from books?  Independent wealth? 

[00:01:53]  But in your case, I'm gathering that what we've got here is a whole different ball game with a really good father whose head is in the game.  He's totally engaged in the lives and the development of his boys. Right? Ok.  I also gather that your husband's health condition makes it hard to get adequate insurance so if he were to die you would be required to be the sole breadwinner.  

*slow claps*

Excellent delayed realization by Botkin! 

Yes, a woman who is writing about her worries when her husband dies presumably feels her husband is a vital part of the family!   She likes him as a husband.  Heck, even if she's feeling so-so about him, his kids love him as a father.   No one likes thinking about watching their children grieve the death of their father.

Actually, I jumped the gun a bit, didn't I?

Botkin never asks how the man is as a husband - he just chimes in that the guy is a good dad - and that the wife is financially dependent on him.  Let's talk about that for a second.

A COPD diagnosis would making getting life insurance harder.  The husband is not going to get a premium plus or premium rate from any underwriters - but he might qualify for the standard rate or the tabled rate (which is substandard).   If his COPD is severe enough, he would be denied.  If accepted, he's going to have to pay more than someone with a better health record.    So - contrary to Botkin's broad denial - talk to an insurance agent about getting life insurance for the husband and the wife.  The answer might be "You are not insurable" - but it's better to know that than assume that life insurance is impossible when the family may be able to get a small amount.

A small amount of life insurance isn't ideal - but it will act as a cushion during the time around the father's death.  Meanwhile, the wife needs to re-enter the workforce.   The husband's death is a pressing concern - but there is a larger possibility of the husband being disabled enough to be unable to work while still being alive.  Life insurance is not going to cover that so hopefully the father already has long-term disability insurance through his job.   That will only replace 60% of his wages - so having the wife in the workforce could make up the remaining lost income.  If he doesn't have long-term disability, the wife will need to replace 100% of the income.

Hopefully, the wife worked before she was married and had kids.  If her kids are young and closely spaced, she may only have a few year gap on her resume - and getting any job would help bridge that issue.  If she's not worked before or hasn't in decades, getting a job is even more critical.  Starting a career midlife or late in life is not easy - but the more the wife can do while her husband is alive and stable the easier it will be if he dies.

Does Botkin recommend this?  *laughs*   Of course not!   

I do, though. I don't have an ideology I'm trying to sell you - just some basic life advice from one adult woman to another.   Good luck!