Babbling Botkin: "What if My Husband Dies?" - Part Seven

Hello, readers!

Can I take a moment to expound on the virtues of the public school system?   My son has been back in school for six weeks now and I'm blown away at how far his speech has bloomed being around other small kids and adults outside of our immediate family.   A year ago, my son was speaking mainly in one word phrases with occasional two word phrases.  Now he mainly uses complete sentences.   

With his increased communication skills, I'm enjoying my time with him more and more because we can play more advanced games.   He also says the funniest things.   We were driving to see my parents last week after I picked Spawn up from preschool.   We went a different route than normal and drove by a school bus.   Spawn  sees the bus, whoops from the back of our van and yells, "Samuel got off the bus!  Yay, Samuel! See you tomorrow!"  Samuel is the name of his little buddy in class who also uses a walker - and that was not the school bus that takes Samuel home - but there was no way I was going to burst that bubble.    

For added fun, my son will be having a student teacher who uses a service animal.   The service dog is a large golden setter - and my son is nervous around dogs because he doesn't like it when dogs bark.   The student teacher let us have a few adorable pictures of her and her service animal so we can talk to Spawn about what a good dog she is.    

This sent me into giggles because not only has our local district given me freedom from being Spawn's untrained physical therapist, occupational therapist, speech therapist, feelings coach and early childhood educator they also provided a highly trained big yellow dog for Spawn to work on his anxiety around dogs!   This is making my life downright simple.

One of the reasons I send Spawn to school is for him to be ready for adulthood.   Schools teach lots of academic skills and give students a place to practice living their values.   As a former teacher, I think students pick up most of their values from their families of origin.   Parents and other adult relatives model what values are important to a family.   Teachers can reinforce some values certainly - but parents model how much a family cares about truth, justice, patriotism, generosity, hard work, patience, forbearance, trust, honesty and fair play.   

I say this because I take values seriously.   I take families seriously.   Even so,  I find this next quote by Geoffrey Botkin in "What If My Husband Dies" amusing as the mother of a nearly 4 year old:

[00:07:01] So one of the most helpful things you can do to inspire your sons to be good mature men is this: even while your husband is still alive speak continually of your husband's best and most courageous attributes.  Show them what a good strong solid marriage really looks like. I mean, that can be part of an inheritance that is totally invaluable because they will have such a good idea and vision for what...what kind of marriage to contract with a young lady once they're old enough.  They....they've....they've seen this in your home what it means for a wife to be loving and respectful.  What it really looks like for a husband and a father to be loving to his family. This I mean that is a powerful wealthy inheritance.  So inspire your sons to be like their father and honor his memory by the ways that they keep his values alive. This will not only give your sons a vision for responsible manhood but also for what a healthy marriage looks like. 

Geoffrey Botkin has highly stereotypic roles for men and women.   Women are supposed to be nurturing mothers gently rearing a huge brood of children while men provide and protect their women and children.   This stereotyping drips into his spontaneous speech when he declares that we should talk of our husband's most courageous attributes.    

But what if our husband's best traits don't fit that mold?  

My husband is much calmer than I am.  At times, this trait drives me crazy - but his easygoing temperament compliments my driven temperament.    My innate speed is "Let's go!  Solve the problem!  Do a thing! Do another thing!  Accomplish! Strive!"    We idolize that temperament in the United States - but it's a personality trait that fails miserably when confronted with problems with no easy solution.   

Staying sane when Spawn was in the NICU - during all of his first year, really - required me to adapt my husband's more mellow flow.   There was nothing I could do to speed the process of Spawn growing into a term-sized baby.  His lungs were going to heal and fix themselves - and I would need to wait for that to happen.   Sure, my drive-based personality worked well at getting Spawn the care he needed - but most of the day-to-day events involved keeping Spawn stable and growing.

My husband and I suit each other - but the way we suit each other may be very different from how another healthy marriage looks.   Everyone knows marriages that are visibly solid - but would be miserable to be in yourself.   I know couples who love entertaining people at home; I hate doing that and thankfully so does my husband.    I will take a detour to look at a historical marker at any time I see one and have time; that would be a legitimate reason for divorce for some people I know.

My husband and I came from families with healthy marriages - but our marriage is different than either of our parents' marriages.  My in-laws espouse a fairly traditional gender role separation in marriage; my husband, on the other hand, has been integral in caring for our son and keeping house.  My parents bicker gently with each other 24/7 unless someone is having a rough time; my husband and I try to keep things pleasant.    

Final point: how good are kids at knowing how healthy their parents' relationship is as kids?  Pretty poor, I imagine.  Kids are highly cued in to how adults treat them; they really aren't nearly as aware of how adults treat each other.

In the next quote, Geoffrey Botkin makes me wonder what he thinks the word 'character' means:

[00:08:01] So now, the second point - character - uh this is best learned from a dad by watching him work.  If the dad has a good work ethic and good character he's making hard decisions every day.  He's explaining these to the sons. I mean if there is some work which can be done with dad it is like a dress rehearsal for life.  Try to find out what that is.  You know.  That will provide a basis and a foundation for daily mentoring that's really good.  Just average business no matter what it is. 

Remind me how often we practice patriotism at work?  How about chastity?  How about justice?  Humility?

I do wonder how successful a business is if the proprietor is making hard decisions every day.  That sounds like a business that is dying rapidly.   

Perhaps I'm interpreting it wrong. 

Maybe the owner is simply abjectly miserable at the stress level of running a business and needs a healthy dose of fortitude and forbearance to get out of bed and work every day.    

That might not send the message to his sons that Botkin is intending, though.  

Most of us pick up values without shadowing our parents at work daily.  Keeping a family running requires plenty of virtuous behavior by parents without forcing everyone to join a family business.

I just realized, though, that I've missed the bigger point.   This isn't being written to me - a college-educated working mom of one whose spouse is healthy..   This is being written to a mother of four whose husband has COPD in the middle of a pandemic - and winter is coming.  

If she ever reads this blog, now's a great time to see a financial advisor to figure out how to put away as much money from your current cash flow as possible.   

Good luck - and as always - don't ask Botkin for advice.