Friday, December 26, 2014

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: Cinderella - Part 1

I've found two different types of toxic views in reading CP literature.  The more common toxicity is "Do this or really bad things will happen to you!"  Debi has given us plenty of these examples so far.  This chapter is a different type of toxic.  This is the "Do this and life will be magical!" toxicity.  

Personally, I think the second type is more pernicious than the first.  With the first, once you've done the forbidden action, you can figure out pretty quickly if the predicted bad outcome happens.  The second type, though, is hard to disprove because life isn't always magical.

Moral to the Story: One of the sweetest things you will ever know will be those intimate things you first learned together.

For a woman who writes extensively about sex, Debi manages to use a ton of euphemisms.  Wouldn't it be clearer to say "Sexual activities with your spouse are so much better if neither of you have ever had sexual activities with anyone else."  

On a practical level, how could anyone prove that sexual activities between two virgins are more "sweet" than between any two sexually experienced people or one virgin and one sexually experienced person?  

Random thought: Does Debi mean to imply that the first time a couple has sex is the best time ever?  Not that the first time is awful; just that practice brings additional pleasure.  

A Caution: A first time is only the first time.  Once lost, it is forever gone.

How could you "lose" a first time?  Does she mean "experience with someone other than your married spouse?"  

Sloppy writing like this can be extremely painful to sexual abuse survivors. Not that Debi cares about that....

How do widows/widowers fit into this world view?

How about people who are involved with a partner who has a different set of expectations about premarital sexual activities?  (Imagine the stress someone who wanted a parent-lead, hands-off courtship could have if they fell in love with someone who felt that passionate kissing and petting was allowed in a committed relationship...)

Enough with the sad stories.  Now let's consider a girl whose love story is so special she calls herself Cinderella.

*Raises an eyebrow*

An orphaned girl treated horribly by an abusive stepmother who only escapes when a prince falls in love with her at a dance - that Cinderella?

Are firsts important to men?  What do I mean by first?

How stupid is Debi's target audience?  She's needed to define "antsy" and now "first".  

Your first kiss is a first.

Ugh.  On behalf of everyone who has been traumatized by watching three Duggar agonizing kiss-free courtships, let's kill the kiss-free courtship.

  Your first true love, the first guy you take home to meet Grandma or maybe your first night in bed with a man.

Ouch. That hurt.

My husband and I met when we were nearly 29 and 30 respectively.  I've met three of his four grandparents - his paternal grandfather not long before he died and his maternal grandparents who are both quite well.  His paternal grandmother had died not long before I met Nico after living for several years with Alzheimer's. 

Nico wasn't able to meet my grandparents; they had all died multiple years before I was dating Nico.

  Every first is a moment of awakening.  The man who truly loves you will treasure these first moments you gave him and to him alone.  Will you save your firsts for him?

No, I won't save anything for my spouse.  That's just asinine. 

Let's be honest.  Debi could care less if you wait to go water-skiing for the first time with your spouse.  She clearly feels that cheese-making should be entered into before marriage.

(My husband is fake crying because I made cheese without him.  He's heart-broken because he was waiting to make cheese with his wife for the first time and now we can't share that.  Yeah, it does that stupid when put anything besides sex in there.  And now we're talking about accordion lessons)

She's selling the whole hoopla about "emotional adultery" along with an incredibly strict injunction against sexual contact but is trying to make it seem sweet and romantic rather than creepy and demeaning.

My church was pretty clear on limiting sexual intercourse before marriage, but the prohibition for the good of the person's relationship with God.  The future spouse wasn't being cheated or expected to 


I think I realized why Debi uses euphemisms.  The truth is too disturbing when written out in actual English.

  God told his people to bring their first fruits to him (Exodus 23:16-19).  Why? Because they are very, very special.  When you save yourself for your man he will know your are giving him your best.

Well, let's look at Exodus 23:16-19 (NRSV):
     "You shall observe the festival of harvest, of the first fruits of your labor, of         what you sow in the field. You shall observe the festival of ingathering at           the end of the year, when you gather in from the field the fruit of your               labor. Three times in the year all your males shall appear before the                   Lord God.
           You shall not offer the blood of my sacrifice with anything leavened, or let           fat of my festival remain until the morning.
           The choicest of the first fruits of your ground you shall bring into the house         of the Lord your God.
     You shall not boil a kid in its mother’s milk."

Ok....agricultural sacrifice outline.....more details......sacrifices should be of good rule of kosher eating....
What does that have to do with interpersonal relationships?  Absolutely nothing, of course.    We're supposed to give God our best.  The connection to our spouse in Exodus is completely unclear unless your husband is God.  Since that's clearly an example of idolatry, I'm sure someone as Titus 2 wise as Debi keeps telling us she is would NEVER say that.
AntiPearl: To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. Not to dare is to lose oneself.

1 comment:

  1. I really hate the poisonous idea that you've "lost" something valuable after your first kiss, first sex, etc. Like you said, no one makes a big deal about the first time you go water-skiing.

    There's another issue that is frustratingly impossible to convince people like Debi of - with something like kissing (or sex) that involves two people, the quality of which is highly sensitive to the quality of the relationship between those two people, it's really pretty impossible to compare sex with one person to sex with another person. Nothing about a person's previous experience "ruins" or "takes away" from a later experience with a particular person.

    Besides, no matter how many partners my husband and I may or may not have had before each other, we do share one important first - our first time with each other. Yes, I understand we share that out of logical necessity, but nevertheless that's the only important first that really matters.

    Put another way - yes I've gone to the movies DOZENS of times throughout my childhood and young adulthood, but I still treasure the first time my now-husband and I went to the movies together. Simply because it was the first time we went to the movies together regardless of how many times I may have whored myself out ... errr ... wantonly accepted invitations to the movies from other men in my past.

    Also, I'm not sure if it was something specific to my Catholic upbringing or if it was the Evangelical school I attended or if it was messaging from my parents specifically ... but I definitely received the message that I was spoiled and ruined and would NEVER have a good marriage if I didn't stay a virgin. The problem is, logical me (that must have been my mistake) looked around at the many, MANY people with great marriages who clearly did not follow the virgin-until-marriage model. Plus, all the material directed at girls was: "I know you THINK you want sex, but you don't. You actually just want love." Which I immediately recognized as dishonest tripe. And here's the problem - even if staying a virgin until marriage is The Way It's Supposed To Be(tm), all the dishonest messaging does is trash the credibility of the entire model. And then they wonder why no one takes them seriously.