Maidens of Virtue: Chapter 12

In Chapter 12, readers are treated to a moralistic story about trusting God's Plans - which means believing wholeheartedly in Dad's latest idea for the family. 

This story feels sinister to me and I couldn't figure out why at first.  Later, I realized that this is a cleaned-up version of the time Mike Pearl moved his family to rural Tennessee to avoid CPS.   That worked out really well for the family; he had no source of income after the move so the family was living on raw milk, cabbage, wheat and either canned tuna or cat food.

Hannah had always wanted to live in the country, yet when her father quit his job and announced to the family that they were moving to Tennessee, and they were going to live on the family farm they had inherited, she hardly knew what to think. At first she thought her prayers have been answered. Finally she was going to taste fresh milk and raise chickens. No more neighborhood living for her! She was finally going to be free to breathe the fresh air and gather bouquets of wildflowers in the spring. She wondered if people who live in the country really walk barefoot through clear running streams like they do in the book she had read.(pg. 111)

The first paragraph of the story is filled with red flags.  Successful farms generally have transition planning.  That's the term to describe how one owner/operator of a farm retires from operating the farm and passes the farm off to the next owner/operator.  There are millions of good options for transition planning - but this family missed them all!  Hannah's Dad is working off the farm far enough away that he will have to move his family to take over the farm.  He's not running any of the farm operations.   Essentially, he's making a mid-life career change when the person who previously ran the farm died.  Is the farm operational?  Is it profitable?  Can it support Hannah's family?  We have no idea - and that's scary.

Equally bizarre is the fact that Hannah's family has never visited this farm since Hannah is old enough to remember.  If they had, she would have had ample opportunities to taste fresh milk, be around chickens and gather wildflowers in any season but winter.   Farmers love to show off their animals; it's a compulsion.  Every time we had visitors at my in-laws' house on the main farm they would be offered a tour of the milking operation and to see my chickens.   Pride is a strong motivator - plus there are always chores to be done.  If I could combine socializing with feeding and watering the chickens, I'd do that.

Hannah's books have not prepared her well for country life.  Streams near farms tend to be silty from the natural substrate of soil.  Fresh country air generally smells like some combination of manure, rotting vegetation, and diesel fumes.  Fresh milk tastes pretty close to pasteurized milk but causes more incidences of food poisoning.  On the other hand, fresh eggs are awesome!  Picking wildflowers is fun - but she missed the hours of weeding and harvesting in the garden.

So if this was a dream come true, why did she feel so restless? She snuggled deep under her warm covers and try to ignore the fleeting feelings of fear and discontent that disturbed her. What about her friend, Rose? Would she ever see their family again? She looked around at the walls of her room - - this was the only home she had ever known. What would it be like living somewhere else? What if she never had another friend as long as she lived? Were there spiders and snakes in the country? (pg. 111)

These are normal concerns for a kid to have before moving.  The concerns are never addressed again in the story - so who knows?  Maybe she'll be friends with Rose or maybe her family is excited about more fully isolating their kids.  Maybe their new home will be a rambling farmhouse with modern amenities or maybe the farmhouse is falling apart and unfit for habitation.

And yes, Hannah, there are both spiders and snakes in Tennessee.  Depending on where she's moving from there could be more of each types.  Some parts of Tennessee even have venomous snakes - but not highly dangerous one.  The bites are more like the Massasauga rattlers we have here in Michigan - painful but generally non-lethal.

She had noticed the concerned expression on her mother's face as he made the announcement to the family. Hannah wondered if her father was making a mistake. Surely her mother would never have said she thought so in front of the children. Maybe her father had made a rash decision and was stepping outside of God's will. Was that possible? What if Papa was leading the whole family into a desperate situation? The cold hand of fear and doubt gripped her heart. Her peace melted along with her trust in her contentment. (pgs. 111-112)

My curiosity has been piqued.  Did Hannah's Dad discuss his life-changing series of choices with his wife before he quit his job and decided to move the family to a farm?  I know that CP/QF families pride themselves on instant complete submission to the whims of the male head - but that's no excuse for basic respect between spouses!  Hannah's Mom at least deserved a chance to battle her emotions in private before letting the kids know about the plan.

I don't remember ever worrying that my parents were making a rash decision - let alone a decision that could lead us all into crushing poverty - during my childhood or teenage years.  My parents are both sane adults who thought out the ramifications of various options before acting on them.  Hannah's family sounds less stable.  Has the family been through bad times because of rash decision making before?  Is this an example of acquired fear from seeing other CP/QF families made financially ruinous decisions?

I skipped the next paragraph and a half that can be summarized as "Hannah got out of bed and went downstairs".  She finds her parents praying in the living room which is a bit foreign to my life experience.....

Quietly she looked around the corner and found her parents praying and thanking God. Hannah heard her mother's broken voice asking for forgiveness for doubting God sovereignty and trusting the riches of a secular job more than the riches of God's provision.

Hannah watched as her father raised his hands to Heaven, thanking God for his family. She listened as he ask God to forgive his sins and as he prayed fervently for God's direction. Hannah's father beseeched God for his beloved bride and for each of their children. (pg. 112)

See, God's sovereignty only counts when manly men become self-employed in a field that combines crushing physical labor with volatile price fluctuations.   When God provides a man with a steady income through a job that allows him to support his family, God is no longer sovereign!  In fact, when a person is offered a good job, the only moral option is to scream "No!  I will not allow God's sovereignty to be impugned!" and flee like the wind.  *rolls eyes*

So....I don't think Mrs. McDonald understands what divine sovereignty means because I'm quite certain the Christian concept of divine sovereignty cannot be overtopped because a woman is worried that her husband is making a dumb choice.

Mostly off-topic: the Catholic Church requires that theological books be inspected by a bishop and approved prior to publication.  I always thought that was overkill - and still do mostly -but I'm starting to understand the rationale.

I hope Hannah's Dad was beseeching God for guidance and direction before he quit his job.....

Hannah knew those earlier doubts didn't matter now. God had called Hannah's family to live elsewhere; and she would trust Him, trust her father, and be content with His choice. She knew from Scripture that God orchestrates our lives and his plans are good - -and that Daddy was praying. Hannah hurried back to bed and snuggle deep under the handmade quilt she loved. Then she closed her eyes and tried to imagine the taste of fresh milk. (pg. 112)

And that's the end of the chapter.  Hannah's completely convinced and comforted because she saw a few minutes of her parents praying.  The fact that her mother had gone from worried to crushed at her lack of faith in a few hours isn't worrisome to Hannah; her family is apparently always emotionally labile.  Has Hannah worked through her worries about moving away from her one friend Rose or the fact that there are snakes?  Nope, Hannah's already perfecting the CP/QF womanly art of stuffing unpleasant or inconvenient emotions deep down inside her.

Preparing to Be A Help Meet: Background Information

I've been learning about the Pearls for the last two years as I've learned more about the Christian Patriarchy movement.    I have found Michael and Debi's books to be laughably bad - at best- and horribly abusive at worst.

Honestly, the first time I read this book, I tried to write some blog posts on the topic, but her writing was so absurd that I had a hard time.  I mean, no one would really believe the weird and contradictory crap she spews out.....right?  I'm a 30-odd year-old woman who was educated in a fairly liberal Catholic school system, earned a science degree with a teaching certificate,  and taught in inner city schools.  I met my amazing husband online through a dating website.  We've been married about two years and I can say that precious little of the advice given in this book would have been helpful at all during our dating, engagement or married life.  Since the advice was so clearly stupid, why bother writing about it?

Over time, though, I realized that there were women, young and old, reading this book.  Young women who had had a sheltered life who would not have the life experience to see the toxic messages.  Mothers coming from tough lives who wanted a better "Godly" life for for their daughters do not realize that they are giving their daughters a new form of hell to protect them from a different set of problems.

I write this as an outside critique both from a practical stand-point and an occasional theological standpoint.  I'm a Roman Catholic so my critique is slanted towards the religion I know best.  I have bounced a lot of the ideas of my husband who is a member of the Reformed Church of America.

And here we go:

Preparing to Be A Help Meet is an instructional self-help book aimed at unmarried young women and newly married women.  Debi Pearl's purpose in this book is to help women learn the skills needed to be the wife GOD wants you to be.

Just in case you don't believe her alone, the book is peppered with side comments by four men.  Debi divides all men into three categories - Steady/Priests, Visionary/Prophets, and Command/King.  Apparently, the Visionary man is 27-year-old single artist while the Steady is a Web designer aged 26 who is unmarried. The Command Man is actually two men who edited this book.  One is married, the other is unmarried.  I have a sneaking suspicion that the married Command Man is her husband Michael Pearl.....

She starts each chapter with a title page involving a MORAL and a CAUTION.  I will include these bizarre tidbits in the portion of the chapter that actually supports those ideas.

I am not including the whole book - simply the choicest bits that shed insight into Debi Pearl's mind and the extra-biblical lifestyle she espouses.

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: Power of Stinking Thinking -Part Two

Part Two of the un-named epic failure - in Debi's eyes - of a woman who dared obey her husband without enough joy in her heart. 

Her husband is the one who lacked spiritual clarity but wanted to go to Bible College in a different country while wrecking their finances and refusing to have children for at least 5 years.  (Anyone else wonder what Vaughn Olman would think of this marriage?)

Anyway, she continues wringing her hands...
All day at work my mind churned over and over with insecurities and doubts about his motives and his leadership.  Did Jude hate me now?  Did I displease God somehow?  Did I marry the wrong man? My brooding thoughts constantly blamed him for my unhappiness.  And so the sweetness vanished.

You married a man who seems willing to call audibles on all major life decisions.  I can't say that you married the wrong man because Jude seems to change his mind hourly on everything.  I don't know who you married - and probably you don't either.

He said that I would only have to work while he finished a one-year degree, but his schooling lasted longer.

Why did his schooling last longer?  Was he getting additional degrees?  Did he miscalculate how long his first degree would take?  Do any of these scenarios lead to a decent paying job - actually, well-paying job since the Pearls are mostly anti-women working after marriage and childbearing - or is this just a sad, prolonged adolescence?

 I kept hoping I would get pregnant so I could at least take a break from the demanding job at the ad agency.  Then the biggest blow came; a doctor told us that we were not able to have children.  My dream of motherhood was shattered.  Depression called my name daily.


This woman sounds miserable.  She hates her job - but can't leave because Jude can't get his act together.  She's wanted to be a mom and was told by her husband he wanted to wait 5 years before trying to have kids.  Then they find out that they're infertile.  That sucks.

Usually, adoption is an option - but these two are so out of sync with each other that I doubt they could get through a home study.

His management of our finances, which resulted in accumulating debt, really made me fall apart.  I was a nervous wreck and he avoided dealing with it.  Remember what I loved most about him when we met?  He was so spontaneous, so he balanced out my methodical personality.  Jude was still Jude.  He had not changed.

If Jude is so horrible at finances, why won't he hand them off to his wife?  He's already got her supporting the family.   


There's also a big difference between innate personality characteristics - like spontaneity - and acquiring life skills - like living within a budget.    Acting like Jude's irresponsible financial decisions are part of his personality and immutable does a huge disservice to Jude.

After awhile he just stopped talking to me.  He stayed away for hours.  When he was home he would sit and stare at me with confusion on his face, as if trying to piece together what had happened to bring us to this place.

I still think Jude is having an affair. 
Then one day, after six years of marriage, I came home and he was gone.  It wasn't like he just packed a bag; his clothes, his clutter, his stuff...everything that said "Jude" was just gone.  It had never dawned on me that he might actually leave me.

Wait, what? 

Was the unnamed wife abusive?  If she was, more power to Jude for making a clean escape.

If she wasn't - and I don't see much support for that - Jude's a douchebag.  In my world, a spouse who wants out of a marriage that is not abusive has an obligation to give the other spouse a chance to change.  The spouse who wants out is more than free to set timelines, boundaries, whatever, but you can't just bail.

I know because I've been there.

My husband and I went through a rough patch in our marriage.  I was miserable and he seemed clueless.  I gave him a six-month warning: If he didn't change certain patterns in his life that were badly unhealthy for him, I would get a legal separation at the end of that six month period.

That was the hardest thing I've ever done.  My husband was shocked - and hurting a lot more than he let on.  We worked through it slowly and are still working.  I worked at being less codependent (I wanted to solve all our problems myself - hint: it doesn't work at all) while he worked at taking better care of his health.  He's doing well - he underwent gastric sleeve surgery and is working hard having a more balanced life.  I've had a hard six months but our marriage is healthier.

As a side note: a complete move-out is hard to pull off without help and planning.  Jude has been planning this for quite a while.

We were Christians.  We were preparing to go into the ministry...right?  I mean, that's why he was going to Bible College, so surely he would come back, and I would forgive him and we would be lovers again and go on into ministry.  He had a reputation to uphold; this would disgrace the Savior.  Jude had vowed to love and protect me; divorce was not an option...ever...right?

I don't really know what Jude was doing - honestly.  He might have been attending Bible College and then had a whole breakdown.  Or he could have been messing around on the side while not attending Bible College at all - that would explain why he kept such a tight hold on the bills even when he sucked at paying them.
But he was gone.  I had slowly, but surely eroded his spirit with my contempt, condescension and disapproval.  But never would I have believed this would have lead to his leaving.  He loved me...I know he loved me.  We were perfect for each other.  Everyone said so.  Why would he leave?  We could work this out with a little counsel if he would just....

I'll assume she was acting with contempt, condescension and disapproval and that hurt Jude.  Jude was making unilateral decisions and ignoring his wife's pain and depression - and that hurt his wife. 


Marriage is a two-way street.  She may have been screwing up, but so was he.
Now I was terribly, terribly alone.  It was not like being single again; it was like being ripped into pieces.  Visions of camping out on his doorstep to bring him back whirled around in my mind; maybe that would make him love me again.  I prayed earnestly that he would come back, but he never did.

I wish she had.  I doubt that would have brought him back, but she'd have figured out if he was having an affair.  I find it sad that she doesn't even think that's a possibility - probably because he wants to be a minister.
So what is it like to lose the love of your life?  You are a tangled mess of needs that cannot express themselves properly - the need to deal with the loss of a relationship without a funeral or comforting friends or family; the need to feel a sense of purpose again; the need for a way to provide for yourself; the need to keep a lid on your hormones; the need for legal and financial advice; these are some of the many things you face.

These are true statements - but not necessarily true for this lady.

I'll assume she didn't have any family or friend support which is really sad.  She should, however, be more than able to support herself if she's working at a demanding job at an ad agency.

I assume the "hormones" remark is an allusion to being sexually frustrated - but there are plenty of ways to deal with that. 

She would need legal and financial advice - but a divorce after six years of marriage is easier than if she had passed the ten year mark. In this case, I recommend a really good P.I. because I think Jude is up to something on the side and studies have found that proof of an affair or ongoing breach of trust gains the injured party 10-20% better settlement.  (The authors pointed out the better settlement seems to be based on a sense of guilt or fear of exposure from the cheating party; it's not a direct legal strategy.)
While this situation sucks, it sucks less than be married to Jude.

 Add this to the shame of being a Christian with the black letter "D" on your resume.  So after three miserable months of being alone I went back to my parents' home a dismal failure.  The vision that kept coming up before me was of a Treasure Chest turned into a coffin with all my hopes and dreams inside. At age 31, my life was over.

And yet, she didn't die.  She's 31.  That's not very old, honestly.  If she got some therapy, she'd be much happier pretty quickly and likely be in a place to look for a new partner if she wanted to.
[Long story short: She refuses to sign the divorce papers for 9 years while he's waiting to marry someone he fell in love with.  Her life is changed by reading "No Greater Joy" magazine, surprise! ]


Folks, waiting nine years - even to punish your ex-husband - is not a win for you.  The unnamed woman is now 40 years old and still enmeshed with a loser.

Finally, I was willing to admit the man I was married to many years earlier was no longer my husband.  It was at last clear to me that I had to let him go if that was his wish.  I wonder what might have happened if I had, with a free heart, let him go years earlier? Would he have changed his mind in the process?  Would he have forgiven me?  It is too late to know.

*blinks repeatedly*

If you had divorced him nine years ago, you would have been divorced nine years earlier.

I can't figure out how signing the papers faster would have made him come running back.  That makes no freaking sense.  I don't know how the author thinks that signing the papers earlier would have caused him to come running back, either....
Over the years my bitterness had made him distrust my intentions.  When he heard my voice over the phone his answering tone was angry.

Um - can you blame him?   You've been refusing a divorce for 9 years.  I'd be pissed off, too.

I told him in a matter-of-fact-way, "I am truly sorry. I will sign the papers." As we talked it was like a window shade came up on his soul.  He sounded more and more friendly, like the man I had married.  Was God giving me a second chance to be the person I should have become towards this man?  I didn't know, but regardless of the outcome I would be thankful.  We talked five times that day.  It was my 40th birthday. It was one of the happiest days of my life.  In the end, he sent me "the papers".  I had to accept his decision with grace.  I finally, after all these years, obeyed my husband.

Jesus Christ.  She's still fawning over him like a dog.  Ugh.[Long story short: She's lonely at first.  She meets some kids in the neighborhood and enjoys teaching them gardening and quilting.  She finds a graphic design job for a ministry that she likes.]

In other words,  once she left Jude - body and heart - she did great.   The only problem I see with this story is that she lost 9 years waiting for him to come back.

AntiPearl:

For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.

Nelson Mandela

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: Power of Stinking Thinking - Part One

Only two more chapters left!  *happy dance*

Debi ends the last chapter with an apology for the sad, depressing, scary story that follows because a woman didn't respect her husband.

I've found all of her stories so far terrifying or boring so I'm excited about this one.

He came at a moment in my life where I was really lonely.  I had moved to a college town to be a volunteer for a thriving ministry.  We were busy with lots of Bible studies, meetings, memorizing Scripture, conferences and friends eating together and talking.  Then, one day, out of the blue, I was dismissed from the ministry.  I was several hours from home, had expenses to pay, and a job I had just begun so I decided to stay put for a while to get my bearings and give myself time to decide how to move forward.  I was more than just a little lonely; I had a great big need to be needed.

Those are some huge red flags, kiddo.

First, I've been involved as a volunteer in many secular and sacred ministries - but none of them have ever asked me to move to a different city.

Second, how do you get dismissed out of the blue?  Either you are not being truthful about your actions (ie, I was starting internecine warfare between my housemates between prayer meetings) or you got yourself into a cult or cult-like group.

Third, loneliness can blind you to the flaws of potential friends and lovers.  I've been there; done that; lived to regret it.


I thought a lot about the kind of man I wanted to marry.  I knew he would have to be real, not a Christian automation.  Being outside my group now, alone in the world, I wondered how I would meet him.

Worrying about meeting someone is oddly counterproductive.  Ask someone to set you up. 
Then one day it happened while I was running an errand.  On impulse I shot into the coffee shop, ordered a latte, and sat down by a friend who was having lunch.  She poked me in the ribs, "Don't turn around now, but you should know that a gorgeous man sitting at your right is checking you out.  He looks Middle-Eastern or something, but I've seen him in church, so he must be a Christian.

*rolls eyes*

Glad we've decided he's a Christian.  That's so important if the person is not clearly a WASP.  Also, since he's a Christian, there's no way he's an axe murderer.....

When she gave me the word I turned to look.  He was beautiful with black curly hair and a big moustache.

I'm not that to moustaches so this section made me giggle like a teenager because I kept visualizing Ned Flanders from the Simpsons.

  He suddenly turned my way so our eyes met.  I could feel my face blushing.  I saw him grin before I dropped my eyes.

A couple of days later I was running another errand when suddenly he was right there in front of me.  It was one heart-stopping magnificent moment.  We both just stared into each other's eyes and laughed.  It was one of those moments when it seems something was meant to be.

You say magnificent; I say bit creepy.  How big is this college town? 

Jude started dropping by work, we took walks, ate ice cream, or visited some out of the way restaurant.  I loved his voice.  He was charming, spontaneous,  people-orientated, fun and independent, which balanced my methodical, steadfast personality.

That's nice if vague...

This type of thing goes on for awhile so I'm gonna summarize.

•  The author mentions her depression lifted when she was with Jude. 
• Her parents met him twice before he proposed after several months of dating. 
• They got married. 
•  Early married life was nice in the goofy way early married life often is.

It happened so slowly I never even noticed until one day, it seems out of nowhere, fiery darts started flying at my soul, like a bad dream from who-knows-where; accusing thoughts, irritated feelings, doubt and insecurity nibbled at my soul.  Things in our courtship I could overlook now invaded my mind, not allowing me to think clearly.  Baggage from my youth clouded my soul like a foul odor.

You may not know this, but after the honeymoon - which traditionally also described the early part of a marriage where both partners are still being overly deferential to their spouse - comes the adjustment period.  

The point where you start noticing that when your spouse adds seasonings to a dish you were finished cooking that you feel angry because you didn't want that spice on the dish.

Don't get me started on chores, finances, or who voted which way on which Proposal.....

My point is that these rubs and annoyances are happening because you are seeing clearly how your life as a couple is unfolding.

If you need proof that Debi wrote this section, look no farther than the last sentence of the section above.



Being taught to submit as a wife, I knew there was no way out except to obey, but it was with a heavy heart and a bitter grudge.

No.  Talking is always an option - a great option if you want to have a healthy marriage.


  Then my Prophet-type Jude decided to go to Bible college 3,500 miles away...in another country!  His grand ideas were foreign to me.  I harbored continual disapproval of him.  I began to question his motives.  I talked down to him because I felt he was stupid in the way he handled our money.  He seemed to lack spiritual clarity.  I wanted to start a family; Jude wanted to wait five years before having children!  Why should he be the one to decide?  I have my convictions.  I have to do as I know God says, not him.Those are some huge differences in life choices.  With the exception of "lacking spiritual clarity", each of the other choices Jude made should be a joint decision by both spouses.  Moving to another country - whether it's one spouse or both spouses- is such a big decision that both people need to be on board.  Waiting 5 years before having children is a big commitment that runs the risk of potentially not having children (although most Pearlites seem to marry really young).  Not being able to handle money is very problematic for both members of the family.

I'd question his motives, too.  He's spending recklessly, wants to move to another country to pursue a "Bible College " degree while being spiritually flaky, and doesn't want to have kids for the next half-decade.

IMHO, Jude sounds like he's having an affair.

AntiPearl: I think this quote explains a lot of CP/QF...

The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.

Stephen King

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: Fleas - Part Five

Last bit on Patricia....

That brings us to Lesson Three.  In the back of my mind I began to wonder if the fleas might be God's way of getting my attention concerning my lack of honor toward my husband.  But I reasoned that at this point the flea thing might still, maybe, be a happenstance-just a fluke.

I agree with you, Patricia.  The flea incidents were random and not divine punishment.




We had friends who put a lovely house on the market, but it was not selling.  We decided to exchange fixing the house up for a decrease in the rent and live there until it sold.

This is the first and only decent financial advice in the whole book.  (Assuming everyone nails down the details ahead of time....)
During the hot, dry month of August I decided to try growing grass in the dustbowl of a back yard.  I asked my husband to help with the work.  He agreed after some hesitation, but cautioned, "Don't you think it's too hot to plant grass seed?"

Yes.  August is a horrible time to plant anything unless you are planning on watering daily.
I chided him, thinking, "Why does he always drag his feet?" I am sure he read my thoughts, as my face must have reflected my dishonor, but he went along with me...again.  We purchased the seed and then went to a local farm to purchase bales of hay.  We prepared the ground, planted the seed and spread the hay.

I'm wiling to bet good money that she bought bales of straw, not hay.  Hay is dried grasses and legumes that are cut and dried while the plants are actively growing.    Straw is the dried stalks of cereals after the grains have been harvested.  Hay runs at least twice the price of straw.
While sitting in church the next day I noticed one of my sons scratching.  He leaned over to me and said, "I think fleas are biting me." If he had said he had leprosy it would have not affected me more than the word fleas.

Nice use of hyperbole...I hope.
It was fleas from the hay which my husband had said was a waste of time to spread.  Once again my family had to endure the consequences of my stubbornness in not listening to my husband's gentle caution.
Did I better understand submission by that time?  You better believe I did.  Did the grass grow?  Of course not!




Divine intervention and punishment - three minor moments of "disobedience" lead to fleas.  Wow.

[skipped several boring paragraphs]
It was easy to dismiss my husband's wishes without feeling rebellious because he never actually commanded me in anything.  He never lorded me over me; he has what some would call a 'quiet voice'.  He clearly wanted me to honor him, but he wanted me to honor from my heart, not from his demand. I knew, and he knew that I knew, what he wanted me to do.  He wanted me to obey him.Um...yeah.  This is a great example of a marriage where some counseling and communication skills work is in order.  I don't have a problem with Patricia's "disobedience".  She can be dismissive of her husband and that can be very toxic to a marriage.  The odd thing about this story is Patricia is the person who identifies her "sin" and decides that the fleas are due to her "sin".  Jesse doesn't seem to care much one way or the other if Patricia "obeys" him.  (I suspect he'd prefer fewer fleas incidents, but that's normal.)  All of this exists in Patricia's head - and that's scary.

AntiPearl:

The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.

Francis Bacon

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: Fleas: Part Four

Now that Debi's gotten us all good and warmed up, she moves into exactly how God exacts vengeance on wives!

If you think for one second that you can enter marriage with your past behavior stuffed out of sight and out of mind in a trunk in your attic, think again!  The attitudes you have before marriage will resurface.  They will grow and become monsters that will tear into your marriage.




So many mixed metaphors.....

If you resisted authority in your youth, once you marry you will feel just as trapped by your husband as you did by your parents.  The worst of it is, you'll blame your pitiful existence on your husband.  In your youth you can look forward to getting married and leaving the situations.  Now that you are married, to leave the situation is divorce.

 *Gapes in horror at the previous paragraph*

I'm not even sure quite where to start.

Problem 1: Everyone goes through rebellious periods of life.  Most people have at least three stages: toddlerhood, puberty, and mid-late teenage years. 

Toddlers are learning that they are independent beings from their parents and are learning how to express their feelings towards items and actions they don't like.  (After all, image not being able to say "no!" for 18 months of your life.  Wouldn't you want to spend a lot of time expressing "no!" after that?)

Puberty marks the beginning of a several year period where adolescents are primed to learn to conform to their peer group.  Yeah, CP will tell you that this is a cultural construct - and CP is lying through their teeth.  Read history - teenagers have always been vaguely annoying at best to adults and will go to amazing lengths to find ways to interact with other teens without adults around.  That's because your teenage friends of today are your marriage and business partners of tomorrow.  It's worth the time to build bonds that will benefit the teen in later years.

Finally, most older teenagers are getting ready to set off on their own - and need to get some emotional distance from their family to do so. 

None of these doom your marriage.  In fact, the absence of these stages is likely to be more of a problem.

Problem 2:  Your husband is not a surrogate parent.  A wife is not a dependent child.   Using the parent(s)-child relationship to predict spousal relationships is shaky logic at best - and at worst leads to some weird purity ball / Daddy-daughter dating crap.

Problem 3: Healthy adults take ownership of their feelings and choices.  If a woman is feeling trapped, she needs to take stock on why she feels that way and what she needs to do to change that - not blame her husband mindlessly.

Problem 4:Choosing to leave an unhappy home by getting married is A HORRIBLE CHOICE.  Unless you get some help - read therapy - you could well be jumping out of the hot frying pan into the fire.  Of course, you could leave by moving out as a single woman. 

Problem 5: Patricia/Debi forgot to explain why divorce is so terrible. 



 Thankfully, God used fleas to wake me up to honoring and obeying God and my husband.

Fleas to the Rescue:
My husband was....how would you put it....he was different.  I was horrified to realize he did not agree with me on much of anything.  I began to wonder how I could have fallen in love with such a cold-hearted, unromantic man.  The man had no feelings!





Since Patricia has previously described Jesse as bossy and forceful, I don't understand her surprise.
About seven years into the marriage God reached his loving hand down and found us.  We both, Jew and Gentile, husband and wife, came to understand the love of Jesus Christ.  But becoming a Christian did not change my zeal for independence.  I now wanted God's way in my life, although I had no clue as to what God wanted me as a wife.  I was to learn.

Poof!  They were saved - kind of.  Since CP requires absolute female submission, Patricia's want to be treated like an adult is a problem.

Notice Patricia and Jesse have been married seven years at this point - God's moving slowly. 
The years rolled on, and three children later, bitterness and resentment were my daily companions.  Under my breath I would murmer (sic) things like, "I'll show you!" or "I can't believe I marred such an insensitive person."  I would need a lesson from God if my marriage was going to survive and flourish.  Even in my rebellion towards my husband, God knew I really wanted to know and honor my God and my husband.  God sent fleas to the rescue.

Let's say Patricia had her three kids back-to-back.  This means this story is at least 3 years AFTER they became "saved" and at least 10 years into their marriage.

My biggest concern at this point is that Patricia is no more mature at least 30 years old than most 12 year-olds.  Muttering "I'll show you!" at your spouse is disturbingly juvenile for a married woman.

God's reaction to 10 years of immature bickering from Patricia is...fleas.  I'm not impressed.
One day, as I was helping a friend pack up her home to move, she offered me several of her houseplants.  I chose one, a beautiful healthy asparagus fern that hung just above where her cat slept.  I excitedly took my prize plant home and hung it in our bedroom.
Several days later my dear husband suggested, "I'm beginning to get itchy.  The plant must have fleas.  You better get rid of it."
I gave him a look signifying how stupid he was.  "Plants don't have fleas!"  I conveniently forgot his suggestion to throw the plant out.  Days passed and he warned me again, "you need to get rid of that plant, because the fleas are getting worse."

Mmm-kay.  I guess the fern could have gotten fleas - it's a bit of a stretch, but it could happen if the cat had fleas and the fern was fairly close to the cat's sleeping area.

By the time the fleas have infested the house - and are biting Jesse - throwing the plant out is a moot point.  The plague is here.  Time to start vacuuming and treating animals.

More importantly - how is this an example of God punishing Patricia using fleas? The plant came into the house infested with fleas before Patricia "defied" her husband.  


Has your dad or mom ever given you a command you thought was stupid?  The same Bible that teaches we are to honor our parents also teaches that a wife is to reverence her husband "... and the wife see that she reverence her husband" (Ephesians 5:33).



My parents haven't "commanded" me to do anything since I was about 12.  Like most pre-teens and early teens, I thought my parents were nuts and NO ONE understood me. 

My husband has "commanded" me to do two things - both health-related.

Time One:  I was very sick and breaking out in a rash and he told me that I needed to get in the truck so we could go to the hospital, NOW. 

Time Two: I was helping round up steers during the great Steer IceCapades of 2015 in sub-zero wind-chills for two hours in clothing that was too lightweight for the temperature.  As things were wrapping up, Nico looked at me and realized I wasn't shivering and was stumbling when I was walking.  (Both of these are signs of hypothermia.)  He said "You can sit in the truck, if you want."  I replied "No....I'll just...finish moving these.....um....brooms." He replied "Melinda, get in the truck."  I got in the truck.

I've "commanded" my husband to do a few things - also health-related.  We both have blind spots there....

When my husband and I insist that the other do something for the sake of their own health, I think we are much closer to the message of Ephesians 5:33 than Debi's ever gotten in this whole book.

"Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."  (KJV!)







I had no idea that God expected me to reverence my husband!  He is just a man and is often wrong.  Reverence him?  But God gently continued to teach me.
By the next day, it was clear my husband was right.  The fleas were multiplying so fast that they infested the whole house, including Spike, out long-haired guinea pig.  My husband treated Spike with flea shampoo - over-treated, I should say.  Poor old Spike looked like a mop gasping for air.  I think he went into a mild cardiac arrest.  What a mess!  Getting rid of the fleas was quite an ordeal.  My disobedience caused my husband and my family a lot of frustration.  The big question is: did I learn anything?


 Hopefully, you learned the importance of reading dosing information when treating animals with flea shampoos. You also probably learned how annoying it is to get rid of fleas and some good treatments for flea bites.   Outside of that, there isn't much to learn. 

The Case of Fleas the Second Time Around
Remember the baggage you accumulated as a single woman will come with you when you marry.  I still assumed I was smarter and my way was right.  God sent Lesson Two.

My husband felt God was telling him to get out of debt, so we sold our home and started looking for a rental.  I found our first rental. It had everything I wanted in a house.  Jesse looked at it and didn't feel comfortable about renting it. I put my charm to work, convinced him what a great house it was, and voila! He signed on the dotted line.
God told Jesse to get out of debt - seriously?  Why didn't God speak up before they bought the house? 

I think it's reasonable that Patricia talked to her husband about why she liked the house.  If he was picking up on a real problem, he should have stuck to his guns.

Several nights after we moved into the house Jesse woke me up and announced, "We have fleas!" I rolled over and thought to myself, "Get a grip.  We don't have fleas." (Hmm...do you see a pattern here?) Yup!  The house was infested.  We discovered the previous occupants were cat lovers.  It took months to get rid of the fleas.  By then Spike had gone to the happy hunting land, so he was spared my flea lesson. 




Patricia must believe in a deterministic universe.  For the fleas to be a divine punishment, God had to be setting up the punishment long before Patricia "sinned" by "disobeying" her husband. 

Don't believe me?  Run the timeline.

God, at some point in the past, caused a cat to become infested with fleas.  The cat brought the fleas home where they moved into something.  The cat owners move out.  Jesse and Patricia look at the house.  Patricia convinces Jesse to rent the home thereby "disobeying" her husband.  God punishes Patricia by a flea infestation.....that had started long before her "sin".Evidently, I am a slow learner.  Maybe from this story you would think I should just start cleaning my house better, but I am and have always been a clean freak. 




Fleas have nothing to do with cleaning.  Or divine punishment.


AntiPearl: A different way to look at the "fleas" in our lives- "The very contradictions in my life are in some ways signs of God's mercy to me."

Thomas Merton

 

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: Fleas - Part 3

Again, Debi need to reach out to someone who was dating during the early 1970's.  This story is pretty funny, though, and has some important messages to us all.

Do you believe God leads and guides people before they get saved?  Maybe even guides them in who they should marry?




Um.  I don't know because Catholics don't get saved - so I've never thought about that.
Here is what God did to my friend, Patricia.  She should be thankful; her rebuke was not nearly as bad as spiders.  So get ready to start scratching.  This is Patricia's flea story.

How are spiders worse than fleas?  Flea bites itch like hell.


God Knew me Before
Jesse started checking me out my first day at work.  For some reason he unnerved me.  When the people in my department would go on morning break, Jesse would stop by my table to chat.  I would jump up and go back to work.  I never knew what to say when he was around, so I would flee.  I think he is a King...bossy, dominant, forceful, and I don't know...he just seemed so classy that it scared me.

Nothing says "potential boyfriend material" like the words 'bossy, dominant and forceful'.


[Kingly Man interruption: Young men do well to bear in mind that a girl is who she is when she's not trying to impress a man.  A wise man observed, "Someone who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.]

The advice is pretty good.  The real test of a person's character is how they treat people who they are not trying to impress.  I don't know why the advice is addressed to young men, though, in a book marketed to young women.

Everyone in our circle of friends dated.  It was expected.  It was during the early 1970's and neither of us knew the Lord.  People I worked with encouraged me to get my own apartment so I could do my own thing.  To my regret, I listened to the troubled people who prodded me.  Once alone, I stepped into a new foreign world, a world filled with peers who pulled me far away from those who loved and cared for me.  My parents were very upset with my new life.  I soon learned why.

*Snorts*

It's so funny watching people scramble to explain why freedoms they were allowed as young adults should be eliminated for future generations.

Let's be honest: the majority of young adults live outside of their parents' home - especially if they can support themselves financially.  Most date at some point.  Most parents welcome both as signs that the children they raised have grown into adulthood.

One day a girl at work told me, "You have to get it, you need to get on the birth control pill...everyone is."  She escorted me to Planned Parenthood.  Because I didn't want to risk my new friend, I went ahead and accepted the pills.  I felt sick, pushed into a life I didn't want.

*Laughs*

That's the most absurd story yet! 

Why would a girl at work randomly tell Patricia she needed to be on the Pill?  Was Patricia sexually active?  Had horrifically bad periods?  Seriously, people don't just start yakking about birth control options over lunch unless someone brings it up.

Patricia had to have said she wanted to go to Planned Parenthood.  She also would have needed to talk with a nurse and explain that she wanted birth control pills.  No one hands out hormonal birth control options like candy. 
Plus, no one forced her to take the pills once she accepted the prescription.

Big life lesson: No one can push you into a life you don't want without using violence or coercion.  Being a wimp who can't speak up for herself doesn't make your friends bullies - but it does make you a great mark for abusive people.

During my youth I had disdained my parents' religion, but now I felt a need to try again.  I didn't want my rebellious friends leading me down paths I didn't even like.  I wanted to think for myself.  One Sunday, I went back to church but left in the middle of the service; I knew I was being rude, but it seemed so dead.

A minor theme of this chapter seems to be "Adult women who act like pre-teens".  Waiting until the end of the service to leave would have required patience and a sense of humor.  It would be different if the service was triggering or insulting - but wandering out because you are bored makes you sound about 12.
The more I was with my new friends the less I thought about God.  One night I went to a party. Jesse was there.  I was still nervous around him, but since he was there I was forced to talk to him.  Then he asked if he could call me and maybe we could go out sometime.  I said; "Sure!"  I really didn't think he would ever call me.

Wow.  Patricia's a door mat, not a person.

I've been at parties with people I didn't want to talk with.  Guess what?  I didn't talk to them.  It's not hard; just pretend you're bored at church and wander off. 

If you don't like someone, don't give them your number and tell them you'd like to go on a date.  That was really rude. 
Not long after that Jesse asked me on a date.  After just a few dates, somehow I felt that I would be his wife. 



Notice the conspicuous lack of details about what she liked about Jesse.  Maybe one of her pesky friends left a bridal magazine on a table in the office and that caused Patricia to get married. 


 My relationship with my parents began to improve, so I moved back home.  Even so, I would not have admitted to my parents or even to myself that I had been willful and rebellious towards my parents in my recent lifestyle.  I still felt they had just not understood me.  I had a lot of baggage (self-centered will) in the attic of my life, and it would come back to haunt me, but at that time all I could think of was Jesse.

Psst!  Debi, the SAHD movement didn't exist in the 1970's.  Shoehorning this story to fit the 2000's CP trends makes the story absurd.

Well,  more absurd.


One evening while having dinner with my family I announced that I might marry Jesse.  I didn't know for sure, but down deep in my heart I felt peace.  Jesse made a similar announcement to his family.  Neither of us knew about the other's declaration. 

*Raises an eyebrow*

Smooth, Patricia.

I stuck to talking about my boyfriend all the time and making heaps of favor - sized jams and butters.  Ok, I wasn't very subtle, but my family won't be having a new favorite story of the time I announced I may marry my boyfriend - you know - if he asks.
A month later, in January, he proposed.

Hmm. Does asking Patricia to get married mean that Jesse is pushing her into a life she doesn't want?

After our engagement, I realized Jesse was Jewish.  Wow! Was I excited! As a young child I had a deep love and respect for the Jewish people.  I felt that Jesse was a gift from God. 
*Blinks*

Wait.  Patricia didn't know the religion of her boyfriend before they got engaged?  Even if Jesse wasn't practicing Judaism, wouldn't he have mentioned something about how they celebrated (or didn't ) Christmas?



 Six months later we married.  I thought that such a fairytale romance would surely lead to happily ever after.May God prevent such fairytales.

AntiPearl:  Synopsis from King of the Hilll - Luanne Virgin 2.0 - the episode satires people who marry near-strangers to avoid having sex outside of marriage.  Luanne Platter has known Rhett for less than 24 hours at this point.

From http://kingofthehill.wikia.com/wiki/Rhett_Van_Der_Graaf
"[Luanne Platter]  announces that she's excited to be "Mrs. Rhett Platter". Luanne informs an amused Rhett that she was afraid that she wouldn't like his last name, and quickly changes her mind when Rhett tells her that his last name is Van Der Graafs. She loves it, and is equally pleased with the encouragement of Uncle Hank, who hails them "the Van Der Graafs"."

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: Fleas - Part Two

Debi's mind works in strange, strange ways. 

Spiders

Before Patricia's flea story, I want to tell you one of my own insect nightmares.  Years ago I got mad at my neighbor for being offensive to her husband.  I stewed, fumed, and even fussed about it to some friends.  I knew I was acting ugly, but I kept my grudge.


Debi is angry that her neighbor is being rude to the neighbor's husband.  Debi is so angry at this behavior that she's ruminating on the slight and gossiping behind the neighbor's back.

Is Debi twelve?  This is age-appropriate for twelve-year old girls, not an adult woman. 

She actually has a grudge about her neighbors' marital life.  How insane.
One night I grabbed a house coat to put it on and out fell a dangerous spider.  I freaked!  Spiders are the worst scary thing! 

OMG!  Spiders are totes scary!  Wanna go to the mall after practice?  I can get my mom to drive!

See, Debi still sounds like she's about twelve.


For the next week or so I thoroughly shook out every piece of clothing I put on. 

That's a sane and sensible reaction.  Spiders get into houses and like to hide/rest in dark, warm, enclosed areas like clothing. 

Somehow I knew God was rebuking me for badmouthing my neighbor.  Several other times I had a spider jump out of my towel or coat.

*Blinks*

How did Debi decide that?  I've never badmouthed my neighbor for being snotty to her husband and I've had spiders jump out of clothing, towels and even (gasp!) bedding.

I don't recommend combing your memory for potential problems every time you see an insect.  The two aren't related - and you'll just end up jumpy, guilt-ridden and paranoid.



 I lived in tension, nervous for the judgement I knew God was waiting to give me the first time my guard was down. 

Now I'm confused. 

 I always figured "Divine Judgment" was quick, clear and dramatic.  "Debi badmouths neighbor; God infests her house with spiders; Debi stops" is the traditional story line.  In that genre, God doesn't sit around messing with you; the punishment is quick and precise.

 Now sometimes the story has a twist where the person doesn't believe in the punishment is divine, repeats the old behavior and receives a more visible punishment that causes them to stop.  But Debi seems aware that badmouthing her neighbor is wrong AND that spiders are being sent by God to punish her.  Did she just decide to keep on bashing her neighbor and hope the spiders got lost on the way to her house?

(Bluntly, I don't believe in divine punishments.  The world has plenty of consequences for acting like a jerk without needing God butting in.  For example, I bet Debi's gossiping, judgmental ways have caused her to have far fewer friends than most of her neighbors.  No need for spiders for that cause and effect.)

Early one morning I heard someone beating on my door.  I jumped out of bed and grabbed my jeans off the floor.  You guessed it, I had one leg all the way in and was hopping around trying to shove the other leg in when out popped the biggest hairiest, most terrible looking spider this side of Papua New Guinea.  I fell on my rump kicking and screaming and fighting with those jeans.






Debi would have been farther ahead to have STOMPED on the spider rather than thrashing around on the floor. 


  I never did find the spider, but I tell you I shut my mouth about my neighbor and have kept it shut.  Furthermore, I gave up on jeans.  They are too hard to get off.

Hmm.  What if the spider is a subconscious projection of her guilt about being so rude?  Maybe the spider exists only in her mind....

Actually, Debi never really stopped talking about that neighbor.  I suspect the entirety of her book "Created to Be a Help Meet" is one long crab fest about that neighbor.

Jeans can be tricky to get off in a hurry but they are much safer in a lab or most agricultural settings than a long skirt.  Plus, imagine how hard it would be to get a spider out of a long peasant skirt.
If you continue in the sin of bitterness or speaking badly of a fellow believer, and you don't have any fear of God doing weird or scary things to you, then you'd better check your relationship with the eternal God.  Chances are you don't have one....a relationship, that is. He does not let believers continue in sin.

God lets us do as we wish.  That's the essence of free will.  In Debi's world, God apparently strikes out at people using arachnids, but Debi still could choose to bash her neighbor.  God didn't STOP her from doing that.  (And - at the risk of beating a dead horse - SHE'S NEVER STOPPED PICKING AT HER NEIGHBORS.)
"What shall we say then?  Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound?  God forbid.  How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?" (Romans 1:1-2) (sic)


I'm not great at memorizing Bible verses, but I can tell you that that's NOT Romans 1:1-2 or the first few verses of any of the Epistles.  They start with a greeting like letters often do.  Plus, the verses are obviously referring to a previous idea.  There must have been a typo because it's Romans 6:1-2.

Equally notable is the fact the verse doesn't support spiders being used as a tool to punish gossiping women.    I guess you could stretch Exodus 8:16-32 and Exodus 10:1-19 if you wanted to.

Speaking of weaponized insects:

AntiPearl:  I love Bob's Burgers.  Nico and I use the term "wool of the sheep" now because of this insect driven vignette.

(Three cartoon preteens are sitting by a campfire.  The youngest, Louise (9), is reading from a post-apocalyptic survival guidebook.  The oldest, Tina (12), is a member of the "Thundergirls" a wonderfully accurate satire of Girl Scouts. Gene (11)is the girls' brother. Tina is holding a bunch of pointy sticks as they read about how to build a shelter.) 
 Louse(reading): "Remember the 30 sticks you've sharpened to a deadly point?"
Gene: Yeah.
Louise(reading): "They will now be utilized."
Tina:  Oh, I thought they were for some kind of skit. Thundergirls do skits around the campfire.
Louise (skeptical and snide):What skit would that possibly be for?
Tina: I don't know. You should see some of the skits that get produced.
Gene:Look at this part. They say insects can and should be weaponized.
Louise (reading again) "Beware of any organization that rewards members with empty titles or trinkets. These are the wool of the sheep."
~Bob's Burgers "A River Runs Through Bob"

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: Fleas - Part One

I made a blogger decision to skip Chapter 14.  It's a story about how Sheila and Shad Williams saved their marriage through Jesus.  The problem?  First, their marriage wasn't in (much) trouble.  Second, they were married at some point before 1975. 

Yup.  Debi has started padding the book with stories from her contemporaries rather than using her shaky creative writing skills.

Moral To The Story: Who you are as a single girl will be who you are as a married woman.  If you are lazy, you will remain lazy.  If you are rebellious, you will carry it into marriage.  If, at present, you are obedient and cheerful and a servant to others then your marriage will be blessed.


Yes...and no.  People's personalities can undergo fairly drastic changes until age 35-ish.  After 35, personality characteristics become less malleable.  Clearly, marrying someone with the expectation that their personality will change dramatically is a poor choice.

I object to the sentence that was underlined in the book.  First, I object to the horrific abuse of the English language that occurred in writing that sentence.  Second, being obedient, cheerful and a servant will not lead to a blessed marriage if you married Michael Pearl. 

A Caution: Beware of spiders, fleas, snakes, bats and mice, in addition to any other small terror that might come your way.

*Blinks*

I like bats.  We almost always have a spider or two that live in our bathroom.  I call the spider Gwendolyn. 

It's time for a few basic lessons that will help you transition into becoming a wife.  You will learn that God expects you to honor and reverence your husband even when he quietly allows you to continue your disobedience.  If you do not learn, God can and will come to your husband's aid if you ignore your husband's wishes.



According to the first chapter of this book, God can't do anything unless you pray and a legion of angels gets involved.

That's easy enough to avoid if you marry someone who doesn't pray. 

In this chapter Patricia tells us how God used Fleas to help her come to understand that quiet disobedience would not be tolerated.  Over my lifetime I have observed that God uses all manner of things to get his children to conform to his will.  Knowing that God is thus working to mature us is comforting and, at times, scary.


Debi's God is trite, petty and terrifying. To me, this a reflection of Debi's small-minded nature and wish for vengeance against everyone she doesn't like.

AntiPearl:"God created man in his own image.  And man, being a gentleman, returned the favor."* 


(*Not sure who the original quote should be attributed to; I heard it in "Inherit the Wind" by Jerome Lawrence and Robert James Lee.)

Preparing to Be a Help Meet: The Wedding - Part 6

Debi spends quite a bit of time asking Yetta questions about her wedding.  Since I find going over the details of a wedding of a person I don't know dull, I'm just gonna pick out pertinent questions.

Q: Your flowers were great, too.  I liked the fall colors.  They must have cost a lot?
A: I have a story about the flowers.  When Kent and I first began to see each other we both started saving money for our wedding and our honeymoon.  Together we decided how much we would spend for each part of the wedding. 


I like that Yetta and Kent decided the budget together.  Planning finances together as a pair is a crucial skill for spouses - and a skill that Debi is far to willing to skip by declaring that the man is the only voice that matters.


 We had decided to do very basic flowers; then God blessed us with the unexpected.  For several years I had been going to the nursing home to pick up and do the laundry for an old lady who had had a stroke.  When I knew I was going to be married, I called the old lady's son to let him know my sister would be doing the laundry from now on.  The man said to me, "Yetta, I am a florist.  I have my own shop, and I would like to do the flowers for your wedding as a gift for what you have done for my mother."  All those beautiful flowers were a gift.  He arranged everything.  The color and style was his choice.  After all, that's what he does professionally, so I figured he would know best.This story - as always - makes me feel conflicted.

Offering to provide flowers for Yetta's wedding as a thank you was a generous and handsome gesture for the old woman's son. 

My conflict comes from the fact that the majority of good works don't result in huge dividends.   No one who reads this book should expect a relative of someone they helped to offer to cover wedding expenses. 

I also find Yetta's willingness to let the florist choose the color and style....odd.
I liked picking out the flowers for our wedding.  I hope either that she didn't care about the flowers or explained the basics of her preferences - fall colors; country style, or Asian inspired or whatever - and let him pick out the rest.


Since I am telling my story, I would like to tell all the girls reading this: if I were young and just getting started in a job, I would start right away to setting back ten percent of all I made for my future marriage.  I am glad I was able to save for a few months, but just think if I had saved for years!

I would hope that stay-at-home daughters who are working outside the home could sock away at least 10%.  I suspect, though, that minimum wage jobs or family businesses + huge families still at home means that many of these women are subsidizing their younger siblings food and clothing.

  I really think young women need to know that it is not someone's job to supply all their needs and pay for everything for their wedding.  If they come into the marriage like that, and they expect to be provided for as a daughter, they will come into marriage with that mentality.  They will have little to give, and will just be a taker.  Anyway, that 's my opinion.




There's a strange lack of nuance in that paragraph.   I agree that no one is guaranteed or entitled to their parents - or their parents by way of TLC - will pay for their wedding. 

On the flip side, many parents view paying for a daughter's wedding as a honor.  My parents would have been hurt if my husband and I refused to let them pay for any part of the wedding. 

Of course, I was raised to expect to support myself with a career.  Since Debi et al expect adult , unmarried women to remain servile to their parents' wishes wants and desires, I think it is reasonable for the daughters to expect financial support for their weddings.

But then, I also think parents who require courtship have a duty to actively seek out partners for their daughters and should receive societal disapproval for failure to do so.  *cough* Duggars *cough*Botkin*cough*  You want the control; take the responsibilities that come with it.



Q: Are you sad you had to wait so long before the magic day?
A: It's funny because I was happy being single.  Even as the years passed and everyone around me married, I still felt my life was blessed and full.  I stayed busy. I made myself useful to a  lot of people.  I didn't stay at home moping.  Sure, I had days I was a little sad thinking I might not ever find My One True Love  and have children.  I think those down times are from the devil.  I am so glad I spent my life working, reaching out to others, and loving life.  I'll pour that same fullness into my man.

People kept saying something like that to my husband since he made it 31 *gasp!* before he married.  Yetta was much more polite than I was.  I'd look at people and say "Well, he hadn't met me yet...." and then stare at them until they went away.  If they didn't change the subject, I'd add "So which of his previous girlfriends do you think he should have married?"

Ask an embarrassing question; get one in return.  :-P




Q: Now for the moment of truth.  What has been the one practical that has been difficult on you as a new wife?
A: I wouldn't say that it has been difficult on me, but it has been somewhat of a challenge having a meal on the table three times a day, or at least breakfast, then packing him a lunch and then a good meal in the evening.  A man likes his food, and I surely want to please my man.  It is easy to forget to plan a meal that includes laying out the basic foods (like meat to thaw) and then walk in the house at the last minute and wonder what to cook.  I have to make myself buy and plan ahead.




Debi, she's been married for two weeks.  For most of us, that's EASY. My answer would have been "um....writing thank you notes that don't sound canned?  Is that a thing?  Learning how to load a dishwasher is kinda tricky, I guess, but so much easier than hand washing them.  Uh....yeah. "

You had a taste of your future as Michael's wife: sexual assault, emotional neglect and being treated as dumb servant in your first two weeks. 

That's NOT NORMAL.  You should have run away.

AntiPearl: The picture on the left is my husband, me, Oma and Opa (Nico's grandparents).  We got married in late June because it worked for my teaching schedule.  Opa, when he heard about the date, teased me that the proper time of the year to get married was between November and January to avoid messing with the farming schedule.  He'd then look extremely sad and mention that he'd have to miss a day of chopping hay.  My "revenge": His boutonniere is made of corn leaves, alfalfa flowers, and some ripe wheat so he'd have some farm crops with him all day.  What I didn't realize is that having the bride pin the flowers on is a super-huge honor in the Netherlands; he was so proud and it's one of my favorite memories.

Preparing to Be a Help Meet - The Wedding: Part Four

Debi starts asking questions about when Yetta and Kent were dating.  Debi tries really hard to make Yetta fit Debi's mold...but she just can't quite do it.

Q: Do you remember the first time you felt you and Kent might become a couple?
A: Over time I saw he was really genuine.  Like I said, after music practice he would often stand at my truck and talk.  As my respect grew, I knew I was seeing him as the man he was ...the kind of man I wanted.  He was slowly winning my affection.

Q: Everyone knew you and Kent were friends.  What rocked the boat into the love boat?
A: Well, one night his sister invited me to eat dinner with her family, and Kent was there.  After dinner he walked me to my truck.  While we stood at my truck, he told me straight out that he wanted to be more than friends.  We were both adults; there was never a boy-likes-girl crush thing.  We both knew that when he said "more than friends" he meant we were considering our future together.  He had already run my respect and admiration.  I gladly said yes.

*Laughs*

"What rocked the boat into the love boat?"  What a silly question, Debi.  Did you expect Yetta to reply "Why, a tsunami of passion!"

Yetta and Kent are adults who became friends, then lovers.  They have a wonderful story based on mutual respect and love.  I wish this kind of relationship for all the young ladies who read Debi's books rather than the Pearl crazy.


Q: After that you were a couple, people knew.  How did everyone react?

A: Everyone was really happy for us.



Q:Would a negative reaction from family or close friends have made a difference?
A: Yes.  If someone we loved and respected had questioned either one of us, we would have listened and considered.  We both have seen many couples make bad decisions and live to regret it.  We wanted to do it right.This is my favorite part so far.  Yetta and Kent would thoughtfully considered any objection by others, but they would make the final decision. 

Plus, neither Yetta nor Kent's parents (or brothers) have made an appearance in terms of being involved with their relationship.



Q: So you went places together and were known as a couple for several months.  Why wait so long?




Because going places and being known as a couple is normal for Americans....
A: We both were cautious, knowing that this was the rest of our lives, and we wanted to talk out everything before we married.  All our convictions, all our family ideas, all our little whatevers were addressed.  There would be no surprises to mar our marriage.  It takes time.  We didn't beat around the bush about anything.  He knew exactly what I thought about every major issue, and I knew what he wanted.  We agreed on issues ahead of time.
 I'm very glad that they discussed potential issues ahead of time. 
I hope they don't have any major surprises between them - but life often brings surprises and you learn much more about your spouse and yourself during the marriage.


[Side note from the Kingly Man: I'm not sure what "wait so long" means here.  Several months isn't very long by most people's standards.  This seems to be implying that couples should get married really fast.  I'm not a proponent of long, drawn-out relationships, but not everyone is going to feel comfortable being proposed to after dating for only a few months.]

I agree with the Kingly Man.  (I feel strange writing that, but it is true.)   Yeah, some folks have a good marriage after a very short time dating but most people want to know someone for longer than one season before marrying them.


Q: So when did he pop the question?
A: It wasn't like that for us.  Love came softly, so we both knew it was right.  We just set the date.


I like Yetta and Kent.  I hope they have a long and happy marriage.
AntiPearl:  The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.

Ferdinand Foch