This post covers how previous generations of mothers failed to teach their daughters how to keep a home. There is also a hidden agenda to justify why children - especially daughters - should shoulder lots of domestic responsibilities without their mother feeling guilty.
The first group of guilty mothers stayed home - but sent their kids to school! *gasps in mock horror*
Many homeschooling moms were raised in homes where their mothers were home all day while the children went away to school. If our moms wanted to, they had six or more hours in a day to devote to house cleaning, laundry, and organizing. Perhaps because they stayed home, having time to do lots of housework, they were of the "children are only children once" philosophy. This often meant they didn't require very much of us as far as chores and responsibilities were concerned. (pg. 87)
Looking back on my childhood, I didn't know any of these type of mothers. My mom stayed home while my sister and I were little mainly from the fact that the dying economy in Michigan in the early 1980's trashed her job prospects while my sister and I were in multiple early intervention therapies a week. The women in our neighborhood who were SAHMs had at least one - and often multiple - children under kindergarten age. The one lady I can think of who didn't have small children of her own ran a licenced day-care.Notice the subtle way Mrs. Maxwell implies that the amount of chores in the average CP/QF homeschooling family is normal while the average US household is abnormal. The real reason the parents in the neighborhood expected a reasonable level of chores around the house was that a small family in enough space doesn't generate an insane amount of chores. The neighborhood I grew up in was a basic post-WW2 tract house area. The houses were all three-bedroom, one bath houses on 1/4 of an acre of land. They weren't huge by any measure, but two parents and 3-4 kids fit into the house well. Trying to jam 8-10 kids in the house would have been horrible there wasn't enough space for that many people let alone the basic household goods for each person.
From this kind of upbringing, we find several factors that could work against us. First, we may compare our homes to what we remember our mothers' homes were like. While it certainly is possible to keep a neat and tidy home while homeschooling, it won't be of the same standard of cleanliness that it would if we spent four hours a day on it. Moreover, there is a greater opportunity for mess and clutter to accumulate when the children are home all day, rather than away at school for 7 hours. (pg. 87)
There is a bit of truth there. Having more people at home during the day does generate some chores. Homeschooling families eat three meals at home which creates more dishes to clean as well as associated spills of food and drink to clean. Kids coming in and out of the house from playing track in more dirt. There is an entire set of chores surrounding managing the materials needed to home school that is much reduced in traditional schooling families.
On the other hand, sending kids to school and working outside the home generates other chores. When I was working, I had three outfits per working day: pajamas, casual clothing and professional clothes. Now, I have two outfits per working day: pajamas and casual clothing. Since I already wore my outfits multiple times before washing, staying at home decreased my laundry burden by a third. Families that do brown-bag lunches have to make those lunches and manage all the assorted storage items as well. Kids bring home clutter from school - projects, books, notes, trinkets - that the parents don't always have a plan for.
As I mentioned before, the larger problem in CP/QF homeschooling families isn't more chores; it's lack of space. First, academic supplies take up space. The space of one bedroom ends up being used for supplies and working space even if the family splits that area up around the house.
Second, the needed items for people take up space. Using the most slimmed down CP/QF family bloggers as guides, a family needs 10 pairs of underwear, 4 pairs of athletic socks, three pairs of dress socks, two sets of pajamas, three sets of nice casual clothes, three sets of Sunday best clothes, five at home outfits, a light jacket plus two sets of shoes for the summer and another set of clothes for the winter. If they live in a cold climate, add one winter coat, two sets of gloves, two hats, one set of snow pants and one pair of winter boots. For basic household goods, I figure each person needs a bed frame, mattress, pillow, sheet set, two blankets, a bath towel, a wash cloth, a toothbrush, plate, bowl, spoon, butter knife, fork, glass, dining room chair, and a half a seat on a couch or chair in the living room for kids and 1 seat per parent. That means a family of 10 needs 10 dining room chairs and 2 couches. For the entire family, a set of kitchenware, four laundry baskets, three hampers, a kitchen table plus closet or furniture space to store all of the basic items. We live in a slightly larger 4 bedroom, one bath house with an unfinished, but dry basement and storing the basics for a family of 10 would use up all the available space - without any toys, hobbies, books or music or baby/toddler supplies.
The second difficulty we may encounter is that we didn't learn the housekeeping tasks that we so desperately need. Our mothers did many of these jobs when we were at school. We didn't learn by observation because we weren't around. If a mom didn't make a pointed effort to teach her daughter these skills, then the girl has to develop them as need arose in her own home.(pgs. 87-88)
Name one basic housekeeping task that your mother straight up forgot to teach you how to do, Mrs. Maxwell. I'll wait.
One of the reasons Betty Friedan wrote "The Feminine Mystique" is that housekeeping is extremely repetitive and not mentally challenging. If a woman has time, cooking or baking can allow some creativity - but when under a time crunch, I fall back on a handful of tried-and-true recipes. I doubt I'm alone in that.
By the time I was seven, I could sweep, mop (after Mom or Dad lifted the pail down from the sink), dust, put away the dishes, wash dishes (but not cooking pots; I didn't have enough upper body strength yet), wash windows, prepare snacks and a few meals in a microwave, and wash the counters/sink/tub in the kitchen and bathroom.
By the time I was twelve, I could do all the normal chores around the house plus laundry and I was learning how to cook alone.
By 15, I could run a house - mainly because it's not that hard.
Plus by 15, I had learned to sew by hand (but not machine), crochet, use power tools (although driving a nail by hand took me a few more years to get down), was excellent at ironing patchwork pieces as my mom and aunts assembled them, and made my own lunch every day. All this while taking Honors English, Math and Science plus "regular" Spanish, Choir, Religion, and Social Studies and participating in drama, math team and soccer after school.
Oh, and I planned, purchased and cooked an entire Thanksgiving dinner for friends who couldn't go home when I was 21 between shifts at Meijer as a cashier and taking 19 credits of college science and education classes.
So....what was your mom doing, Mrs. Maxwell?
Perhaps you came from a home where your mom did work outside the home. Somehow, though, she managed to keep up with her meals, laundry, house work, family, and outside work. However, she didn't teach you her homemaking skills, because she generally didn't have the time. You, as well, maybe comparing yourself to a standard that you saw your mother set. These kind of comparisons squelch a meek and quiet spirit! (pg. 88)
I don't think that example made the point Mrs. Maxwell wanted.
My mom stayed home when my twin sister and I were young - but by the time we were 4 she was working 30+ hours a week as a greeter at Meijers. Eventually, her work ethic and intelligence landed her a position as a secretary for the Loss Prevention department in the store and she moved up to corporate as an administrative assistant when I was in 8th grade or so.
We also had a clean house, clean clothes and dinner on the table at night. Plus, Mom was our Girl Scout Troop Leader while Dad coached basketball and soccer teams for my sister, my brother and me.
How did all this magic occur? It's three-fold.
First, my dad was an active participant in our home life. He finds cleaning to be a stress relief so he does a full-share of housework. He likes to cook. He was a high school teacher so he was our primary care giver on weekends and evenings when Mom was working as well as during the entire summer.
Second, my parents limited their family size to three after my middle brother died. This kept the amount of laundry, cooking and parenting to a manageable amount of time. It also let them teach us how to do chores at an age appropriate time and provide supervision until we could handle it alone.
Finally, my parents didn't need to reinvent the wheel by home schooling. Mom wasn't trying to create a curriculum for twin junior high school students while doing elementary school for my brother - let alone six kids in six grades. Mom knew - and will admit openly - that she hates the idea of being a teacher. She lives in a state of horrified awe that my dad, my sister and I enjoy teaching because she'd postal on the first kid who back-talked to her. (That happened to us, too, but we're as stubborn and hard-headed as she is so it devolved into being dragged screaming into our rooms for a time-out. Good times.)
Next post covers the dirty little secret of homeschooling: moms are signing away all rights to free time....
Strange...my dad taught me to cook because I was always at his elbow looking to help. Granted, my mom came from a household that closely resembles the one Maxwell described of the mom doing everything AND has no patience to teach, but I think that's a personality thing and has nothing to do with working or sending kids to school.
ReplyDeleteActually, I doubt Maxwell even dwells on the disaster that would have happened if many of these "failure" moms had been forced to homeschool. That'd make for an interesting fanfic of sorts.
Our family would be missing a few more children. My mom and my two surviving siblings share the same fiery temper and we had some memorable rows at the house while being in conventional schools.
DeleteTechnically, I think the time just before my twin was diagnosed with PDD and she got so angry at Mom that Sis overhand threw a single-serve bottle of Coke on the floor which proceeded to blow the sealed cap and spray Coke all over the living room was when we were still in HS. Mom stormed off in one direction, Sis stormed off in another, and I realized that - unfair as it was - I should probably mop the Coke off the ceiling before it stained. Dad came home. I gave him a run down. He thanked me for mopping the ceiling and went to help Mom calm down.
Five or six years later, we were changing the family pictures on the farthest wall away from the great pop explosion when I realized that Coke had sprayed all over the glass of the pictures and dried and we never noticed. I pointed it out and we all had a good laugh - and gratitude for whichever SSRI my sister uses to tamp her PDD down.
As far as I can tell, homeschooling moms like Teri derive a great deal of their own self-worth from denigrating others. In this case, it's her own mother (and the mothers of her readers) but just as often it is other parents...
ReplyDeleteI also always find their assumption that everyone else experienced the same childhood they did astonishingly narcissistic. Maybe your mother taught you nothing Teri (although I doubt that...) but most other people of your generation learned all those skills.
In fact, in our family of four kids and two adults, we all learned to cook (because the Lenten traditions of our Greek Orthodox mom included a basically vegan diet for 40 days --- which we hated--- part of our job every spring was to plan and cook one vegan meal a week. My mother was tired of our whining about the vegan meals she served so she challenged us to come up with our own. Lesson learned: By god, it is hard to satisfy four different kids on a totally vegan diet...)
I also find her assertion that working mothers do everything themselves rather than teach their children, absurd. As a working mom I made sure my sons (as well as the two nieces I raised) could cook, clean, do laundry and sew. In fact, I know of no children in my neighborhood who weren't taught basic life skills by their working parents.
Of course, there is also the fact that many of these life skills were taught in public schools via classes known as home ec or shop. In my 1970s middle school everyone took one year of home ec which covered cleaning, sewing, cooking, budgeting and basic child development. Then we took a year of shop which included basic electrical skills (retiring lamps, building batteries etc.), woodworking and mechanics (building small motors etc.).
I know that many school systems still offer these classes as my brother in law teaches home economics to both male and female high school students in a public school in Virginia.
Unfortunately, those classes have been completely cut in most districts in Michigan in favor of "college prep". I'm in favor of a rigorous college prep curriculum being available - but the percentage of US adults who complete a bachelor's degree has held constant at about 34% since WWII. Many, many students would be better served by vigorous vocational training - and lots of students need a solid home ec + shop class.
DeleteI agree. It breaks my heart that so many districts have cut these classes. I think everyone, college bound or not, could benefit from the basic life skills taught in home ec and shop.
ReplyDeleteMy father ( a full-time lawyer) also made sure we all knew how to do basic carpentry, change a car tire and check the oil. Thanks to those lessons, I was able to work as a carpenter's assistant for four years while going to college. Since my typing was 'slow' I made a much better wage doing carpentry in a shop.
You are absolutely correct. The CF/QF homeschooling thing is stressful because the family is too large for the space and income available. It has nothing to do with the moms not being taught housework. I've met a couple of guys who weren't taught these things but never any women. And like you said it really isn't that hard to learn.
ReplyDeleteI think it's getting more and more rare for guys to be completely clueless about housework as the years go on. Most women do more household chores than men - but men are starting to do actual chores around the house. Compare that to my husband's family where my father-in-law has vacuumed once in the six years I've known him - and expected lavish praise from me and my sister-in-law for doing that in his own home.
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