On a positive note, we've got about three chapters left and I skipped one entirely. Oh, and the remaining chapters are short. At the end of the chapters, I'm going to discuss my feelings about some of the "projects" included at the end.
Anyway, this chapter is titled "The Heart of a Maiden". It commemorates the day that Mrs. McDonad's daughters gave their hearts to the safekeeping of their father. Most of the chapter is reprints of the letters or poems the older daughters wrote and read to their father during the ceremony. There's not much to discuss there; it's pretty standard teenage writing.
The chapter starts with a snippet written by Jessica McDonald:
This was our morning - the morning we gave Daddy our " hearts." He already had our hearts, of course, this is the moment we showed him we really meant it. Today we gave him a keepsake - a representation of our hearts - a symbol of our trust in him. I'll remember this morning for the rest of my life. From the way Daddy smiled, I think he will too. (pg. 172)
I remembered this quote because Jessica McDonald unconsciously demonstrated how absent the entire idea of consent is in CP/QF homes. There is no way for any of the daughters to decide that they are perfectly content keeping their own hearts. There's never any discussion that teens or adult women are capable of managing romantic relationships without a male gatekeeper. This absence of a way to opt out is important because if a person can't say "no", they can't really say "yes" either. Yes, Jessica and her sisters are excited about ceremonially handing their hearts over to the keeping of their father - but it is meaningless since he "already" had their hearts.
Before our children reached the " dating" age, we made a decision to explore courtship. There are many different opinions of what courtship should look like, and each family will have to determine how this will play out in their own lives.
In 2003, my daughters decided to give their father a special gift, one that will symbolize their willingness to trust in him with their hearts until the day he walks them down the aisle to entrust them to another in marriage. After the girls and I discuss their plan, I purchase a sterling silver engravable bar pin charm holder and had Malachi 4: 6 engraved on it in soft script. Each of my daughters then purchased a unique heart-shaped charm and wrapped them separately. ( I bought the younger girls' charms.) (pgs. 172-173)
In 2003, my daughters decided to give their father a special gift, one that will symbolize their willingness to trust in him with their hearts until the day he walks them down the aisle to entrust them to another in marriage. After the girls and I discuss their plan, I purchase a sterling silver engravable bar pin charm holder and had Malachi 4: 6 engraved on it in soft script. Each of my daughters then purchased a unique heart-shaped charm and wrapped them separately. ( I bought the younger girls' charms.) (pgs. 172-173)
Again, Mrs. McDonald demonstrates that even adult children are not allowed to have autonomy over their romantic lives. The parents have decided that their children will meet spouses according to a courtship model created by the parents. I see a practical problem with individual families deciding how courtship should go since this means that every family has a different set of guidelines. This lack of autonomy is worrisome for the maturity level of the adults who are looking to get married and have children. Of course, that lack of maturity may well be a feature of raising CP/QF children rather than a flaw; it's easier to prevent people from leaving when they don't have the emotional skills to do so.
I hope that she got all of Malachi 4:6 engraved on the holder since it states "He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the hearts of the children to their parents so that I will not come and strike the land with a curse". I know that's a lot of characters to fit on a pin, but he's got a heap of daughters to hang heart charms for on the pin.
Let's talk for a minute about how old the McDonald daughters were when this whole ceremony went down. The oldest three young women were certainly old enough to be dating by US standards at ages 19, 17 and 16 so this ceremony makes sense. The next daughter was 13. That feels a bit young to me in broader US culture for anything other than going to a school dance or a movie with a young man. After all, she's too young to drive. In CP/QF land, it makes even less sense because she's not supposed to be thinking about romance at all since she's way too young to marry. Their last three daughters were ages 5, 2, and 1. Oh, there's an implication that the youngest girls will do the same ceremony when their older - but, holy shit, they should simply be spectators! The five-year-old might remember the ceremony, but the two babies won't. The only way I can wrap my head around it is that Mrs. McDonald pre-purchased the little girls heart charms to be sure that they matched (but they are supposedly unique) or to be sure that the charms wouldn't have been discontinued in the next 12 years or so.
So...what happens when one of the girls get married? Does he rip the charm off the pin? Does he hand it to her husband at the altar? Is handing the heart over to the husband the literal moment of marriage since women obviously can't handle something as hard as consenting to a marriage?
That's the end of the main section of the chapter. In the middle of the "Share your heart" questions, there's a random list of tips for guarding your heart:
Practical tips for " guarding your heart":
1. Read God's Word and pray everyday. Specifically ask God to help you guard your heart. Pray for your father to make wise decisions regarding your training.
2. Avoid being alone with a young man. It is best to fellowship and foster healthy relationships with young men within the environment of the home and family.
3. Avoid fantasizing about who might be " Mr. Right." Stay on guard, especially when you sense that you may be attracted to a young man (or that he might be attracted to you). Remember your goal is to stay pure for the one you marry, both physically and emotionally.
4. Talk to your parents about your feelings. Let them know when you need prayer in a specific area. God has placed them over you for your protection -trust them and Him. (pg. 175)
1. Read God's Word and pray everyday. Specifically ask God to help you guard your heart. Pray for your father to make wise decisions regarding your training.
2. Avoid being alone with a young man. It is best to fellowship and foster healthy relationships with young men within the environment of the home and family.
3. Avoid fantasizing about who might be " Mr. Right." Stay on guard, especially when you sense that you may be attracted to a young man (or that he might be attracted to you). Remember your goal is to stay pure for the one you marry, both physically and emotionally.
4. Talk to your parents about your feelings. Let them know when you need prayer in a specific area. God has placed them over you for your protection -trust them and Him. (pg. 175)
Let's see.
The fact that girls are supposed to pray for their father's to make good decisions about their "training" is super-weird in a creepy way. What are they being trained for exactly? If it's to be a wife and mother, shouldn't her MOM (who successfully navigated the transition from child to wife/mother) be making those decisions?
The second point is just going to make the awkward preteen and early teenage years when young people are trying to figure out how to interact with peers of the opposite gender without being totally self-conscious last forever. Heck, Ask A Manager - which I love - already has a decent selection of people who are messing up their own careers by enforcing stricter versions of the Pence Rule.
The third point is going to make people insane while causing them to spend more time obsessing over Mr. Right. The funniest part is that interacting with Mr. Right alone is the best way to kill a crush quickly.
Number four is ok assuming that the daughter's parents are sane. Raising a kid in emotion purity, though, feels like the parents might be a tad overprotective. Also, remember that Geoffrey Botkin would deride every single guy his daughters were remotely interested in....and the sisters are both unmarried at 30-ish.
The following letters and poems were written by our daughters. None of us will ever forget Tiffany's wedding day, and the moment at the reception when my husband, with tears in his eyes, read her poem aloud, and handed to Ben Tiffany's heart on a chain. (pg. 175)
Huh. Tiffany's symbolic heart was handed off to Ben while everyone had to listen to a poem she wrote when she was 17. I 've been through worst toasts, I suppose. What does Ben do with the charm now? Does he have to wear it all the time? Is he buried with the charm or does Tiffany reclaim it if he predeceases her?
Probably best to simply leave it in Tiffany's jewelry box.
The poetry from the girls had different ranges, mostly being nice, but Christa's writing was the weakest and most worrisome, describing her heart as a flower in the family garden that was it up to her father to pick. Each of the older daughters seemed to write a brief description of the ceremony in the chapter and by my deductions, I think Christa did the last one, beginning with, "Tears welled in his fatherly eyes.." and going on to describe the delicate tissue paper. Always the one that makes me want to smack the author, for nauseating writing as well as bad judgment.
ReplyDeleteTiffany comes in a close second, though, with her explicit instructions that one day her dad will give her heart to a man and not HER. These people have no concept of the difference between giving a heart and giving a hand in marriage. Ugh.
DeleteWhich chapter did you skip?
Do you have the original or "expanded and revised" edition?
DeleteI'm reading the "expanded" version. In that version, the only synopsis of the ceremony is marked as "Jessica's" followed by the writing assignments created for the ceremony.
In terms of writing, they have been homeschooled by Stacy McDonald so I suspect they've been exposed to and rewarded for sloppy prose as long it has plenty of adjectives that paint the "right" kind of feminine viewpoint.
I skipped "Excuse me, Ma'am. Your Doctrine is showing" because the chapter is a hot mess. Choir story --> moral failings of the world that cannot be named directly --> women's immodesty --> the greatness of maidens in 1.75 pages thickened out with a long quote from Titus 2.
DeleteI have the original version, which included chunks of the ceremony described, I thought, by different daughters. Maybe it was all Jessica, I'd have to re-read. Uugh, the last paragraph had the most nauseating adjectives indeed. Thanks for answering!
DeleteThis whole genre of books just disgusts me. Setting up girls to be under the thumbs of men who have been thought that they are the ultimate authority. Nooooo. No potential for abuse there...
ReplyDeleteRight?! When the Duggars had that infamous TV interview where they stated that they knew tons of family where incestuous abuse happens, my first reaction was "Stop trying to normalize your family's pathology."
DeleteOn reflection, they were probably telling the truth.
It's a huge problem that there is no distinction made between one's "heart" that a father might have (if he's a good, kind, loving man) and the "heart" a romantic partner would have. Those are 2 different kinds of love and they belong to 2 very different people.
ReplyDeleteWhile a father might want to protect his child, it is not appropriate in any way for a father to be the holder of "eros" love that his child has (whether latent or actively directed toward someone).
That is the problem. That.
It is healthy to acknowledge that we as humans have parts of our souls that are off-limits to certain people. The "romantic" part of my soul is off-limits to family members. (Because...ew.. and also... the law). It is just a huge red flag that this doesn't seem to occur to them.
I completely agree.
Delete