Joyfully At Home: Chapter Two - Part Two

 As I write this, I am listening to the sounds of late fall in Michigan: a steady rain and a gentle wind.

Since it is January instead of October, the rain is alternately freezing and melting depending on the fluctuations in air temperature.  The rain last night had left a half-inch of frozen ice on my windshield  and driver's side this morning and nothing on the other two sides. 

I'm short and my minivan is tall so physics is working against me applying effective force to remove the ice from the windows.  Fear not; I simply filled two liter pop bottles full of hot water from the tap and used hot water to de-ice the windows in less than 5 minutes.  I love science!

We made a trip safely to the local town to get a handful of documents notarized to finalize my husband's exit from the family farm.  Our son was remarkably good during the time we did a bunch of odd-and-end jobs that needed to be finished at the bank - and he got a branded toy football out of being ridiculously cute while wearing glasses to boot.

Once my adorable toddler went down for his nap, I attempted to use my transcription software to enter some more material from "Joyfully At Home" by Jasmine (Baucham) Holmes.  Alas, another quirk of living in the country foiled my plans.   Our internet is fast enough during good weather but slows WAYYYYYY down if there is wind...or rain...or snow...or intermittent freezing rain.  I found out in no short order that our internet speed was so slow that the transcription program was losing entire chunks of sentences during processing.   Thankfully, there is no more new material in this chapter written by Ms. Baucham to go over - but there is one doozy of a letter.   Now, Ms. Baucham answers the letter in roughly the same way that I would, but very politely and kindly.  Mine tone is somewhat different....

Let me give you the pertinent part of the letter to read before I go farther:

I have tried to become more supportive of my parents' vision as a result of convictions springing from the documentary [ed: Return of the Daughters]... (I was already a stay at home daughter and all)... and to be a helper to my dad. Which usually goes over pretty well since my dad and I are very alike, have the same "love languages" etc.

So my question comes here.

My mom started to feel a little "jealous" because she felt like I was taking her spot of helping my dad, making his favorite foods, walking next to him while shopping, and all of that.

And that began my wondering...

How can I be a loving helper to my dad when my mom is his true help-meet and he is designed to only have one, and I am designed to have my own man to support and help but (in God's timing) he hasn't showed up yet? (pgs. 35-36)

*side-eyes teenager with her eyes all aglow*

Hell, no.  Shut that shit down.  Now. 

I would rather run into my daughter making out with the idiot, bad-news neighbor kid than having my same imaginary daughter start fawning over her father.  I would literally rather watch my kid be Tina Belcher to the neighbor's Jimmy Jr. from Bob's Burgers than have her start pulling that crap with her dad.   See, falling in love with a twit who is roughly the same age as you - and NOT biologically related - is normal.  Totally, completely and marvelously normal.   Teenage crushes are cliched for a reason; it's such a universal experience.

Aping your mother's relationship with your father instead of being around boys your own age?  Messed up.

And as worried as I would be on the psychological and emotional implications for how I was raising my daughter,  I have another issue as well - it's massively disrespectful to the woman of the house. 

All of the CP/QF emphasis on male authority in a home and marriage undermines the traditional understanding that children are under the authority of both their mother and their father.  The adult married woman of a household retained the unspoken right to run her own home, garden, dairy or small business as she saw fit.  Yes,  this woman was theoretically under the authority of her husband - but ONLY him.   There was never a time where an unmarried daughter received the same level of authority as her mother while the mother was still alive and able to run the home.

The examples given by the letter writer don't have much pull in my family - but if I had tried to sit in the front seat of the car (which would make Mom sit in the back), Dad would have told me to get in back.  Mom would have ordered me to get in back if she was already there.   I can't imagine interfering with grocery shopping - but if I did, I would have been put in my place by my mom...or dad.  When I wanted to help out with quilting when I was a pre-teen, my mom put me to work ironing.  I grumbled a bit because ironing is the least fun bit of quilting - but I would never have set things up so that I took the sewing part that my mom liked best.  My mom would have taken that part back.

I think my family experiences are why I'm a bit boggled by the fact the mom felt jealous.  Dude - it would never get far enough in my house for the woman of the house to feel jealous!  My imaginary daughter steps over a line and I tell her to step back.  I assume she'd step back across the line - but if not, I'll put her back across the line. 

As for the letter-writer's sensible question about how to be a helpmeet when you are not a helpmeet, that one should be self-explanatory.   You are not a help meet.  You may be a help meet someday - but that day is not today.   You may never be a help meet. 

What should you do in the meantime?  Get educated.  Learn how to be an asset to your family, your community and your church.   Figure out how you personally can make the world a better place.  All activities benefit the world around you - and they benefit you, too. 

Young unmarried women without much life experience are in a dangerous place if they become fixated on marriage.  Being overly focused on becoming a wife puts a young woman in danger of marrying the wrong guy. 

Don't get me wrong; I don't believe in soul mates or that everyone has one specific person whom they must find or will be unhappy together.  No, I believe that most people run into several people in their lives that they could be happily married to.

Far more importantly, people need to avoid marrying the people who cross their paths who are impossible to marry happily. 

Most of these people are genuinely benign like the guy I dated who didn't believe in lifelong learning at all.  He was a nice guy - presumably a good husband for plenty of women out there - but I am a lifelong learner and we'd have been miserable together.

Some people are malignant.  They have untreated personality disorders.  They are mean.  They are selfish.  They are raging narcissists.  They refuse treatment for mental illness.  When I describe people this way, it sounds so easy to avoid them - but these people often seem fascinating at first.   They shine.  They attract.  They make you feel important.  They lavish attention on you.  And the one that got me the most - you are the only person who really understands them.  (You know, deep down inside behind the obnoxious prat they are in public...) 

Keep your eyes on the prize of being the best person you can be.  The right person for you will want to support you in that goal...and not have to compete with that weird crush you have on your dad.