Personally, that's never bothered me much. Titus 2 Ministries is well within their rights to choose how they want to present themselves to the world. The fact that they do not want to deal with any negative comments says plenty in my opinion.
And let's be honest: the Maxwells do not have the emotional boundaries to deal well with negative comments. Steven Maxwell threw a tizzy in response to what I read as curiosity from a reader. I've always pegged Teri Maxwell as the calmer partner in their marriage - but I may have misread her based on her reaction to a pointed jab from a reader.
Let me give you some background. The Maxwells finance their lives through computer-based businesses and selling a series of books on how to organize and run a homeschooling home. The Maxwells big invention is a chore organization system called "ChorePacks" debuted in "Managers of Their Homes". The ChorePacks* themselves are a laminated name-tag that each kid can wear. Inside the laminated name-tag are index-card size reminders of the chores each kid needs to complete in the order that they need to do it. I have no opinion on "ChorePacks" themselves. I'm sure they work well for some families - but there are a lot of options available to help readers and non-readers finish their chores. I've already got a plan to create hanging pictures on a strip of velcro when Spawn's a bit older, but that's just my personal preference.
Anyways.... the Maxwells shared a picture of a 5-year-old in a dress and pinafore using her "ChorePack". I think it's a cute picture and I don't see anything particularly offensive about it - but someone left a comment that got Teri's dander up:
“That poor little girl. She’s happy because she’s pleasing mommy—like all children do. She should be out playing with friends, playing dress up or let’s pretend, MAYBE a few small chores here and there—but CHOREPACKS? You people are going to kill that child’s spirit before she’s 7. God forbid she wants to be anything other than Holly Homemaker—do they have ChorePacks for future lawyers? Or Astronauts? I hope that she grows up to realize that she’s worth more than just an unpaid scullery maid/nanny.”
This comment hopefully made the reader feel a bit better - but the person was so angry that their two points are not terribly clear. I think the two points the reader was trying to make was 1) small children shouldn't do excessive amount of chores and 2) girls in CP/QF deserve a chance to train for advanced careers outside of being a wife and mother.
Now, there are three ways of dealing with negative commentators. First, the author can moderate comments and delete negative ones. Second, the author can choose to interact in the comment section. Third, the author can write FIVE separate posts that include the negative comment prominently and highlight the series in the article section of their website.
Ironically, if Teri Maxwell had done one of the first two options, I would never ever had read the comment. Since she went for option three, this post was born.
The best part about the five posts is that they are pretty much comments written in support of the Maxwells put into a list. To save time, I'm just going to summarize Moms A - M plus the Mom who sent in the picture and attach the post links if you want to read the original comment.
Holly Homemaker Part One (posted 01/01/2011 - Happy New Year!)
"I was a chiropractor. I sold my practice to another doctor. I really like being a stay-at-home mom!" - Mama Bones (the Maxwells didn't give her a name so I'm giving her one)
Good for you, Mama Bones! I'm glad you like staying at home with your kids. Can I ask you a question that's a bit rude? How much did the other doctor pay for your practice? I imagine receiving a fair amount of money from the new chiropractor has eased the finances of your family while you stay at home. To become a chiropractor, you completed a bachelor's degree plus a four-year doctor of chiropractic degree. You rock! How does the education that the Maxwell daughters receive compare to yours? Very poorly.
Holly Homemaker Part Two (posted 02/01/2011; Teri Maxwell is still annoyed)
"I love my life as a stay-at-home wife and mother!" Moms A and E.
Good on you! I was grateful that my husband could support me when I was a full-time SAHM for the first 18 months of my son's life - but I really enjoy being a part-time SAHM and part-time teacher even more. My concern - and the concern of the negative commentator, I think - isn't that the girl will enjoy being a SAHM, but rather that she would be a discontented SAHM who always wonders if she'd be happier as a teacher or astronaut or lawyer.
"I have an advanced degree and worked in a serious job. Since we adopted two kids from foster care, I've been a SAHM. I've had a hard time, but I feel like this change is worth it." Mom B.
You deserve lots of hugs and support for adopting kids out of foster care because that is a big step! Now, the Maxwells and their ilk believe that most of your discontent comes from the fact that you are highly educated and were competent in the work world before you adopted your kids. Do you think that is where your discontent stems from? Many people I know who have adopted from foster care deal with stress during and after the adoption - but none of them have chalked the stress up to the mother's education level. The people I know generally ascribe the stress to the chaos of kids plus the lingering effects of disruption, grief and trauma - but I'd love to hear your take.
"I worked in a well-paying job with travel and was close to earning a doctorate in education before I married my husband at 37 years old. Since my lifelong dream was to have a house filled with kids, I dropped my career like a hot potato when I married. We had one son who is now 15. I'm working to make sure he gives me a heap of grandkids to make my dream of a lot of kids come true." Mom C.
I'm glad you achieved most of your dream. Based on the Maxwell Family blog, Sarah Maxwell has a similar dream at age 37 - however - she doesn't have a well-paying job, international travel experience, two completed post-secondary degrees, a third mostly completed advanced degree or a romantic partner. Shouldn't the little girl in the photo be allowed to pick how much education and career interests she wants to pursue in case her wedding date happens when she's 37? I'm also really curious how interested your now 22-year old son is in marriage and reproduction. What happens if his dream is to pursue a career that is a poor fit with early marriage and child-rearing? Is it fair to expect him to fulfill your dreams rather than mourning the dream parts you were unable to achieve?
"I love being a SAHM and have taught my daughters to want the same thing! Working outside of the house sucks with kids!" Mom D.
I don't have a daughter - but I want my son to be happy in his adult life. To help him achieve that, I want him to understand that all work has value. Paid wages are important for a family - but so is the unpaid work that goes into raising children, caring for adult dependents and keeping a home. This next bit might be a bit mind-blowing - but hang in there with me, Mom D. I also want my son to know that I will be proud of him if he's a full-time stay-at-home dad or works part-time while being the primary caregiver to his kids or if he's the main breadwinner of the family while helping out during time he's off work. I plan on teaching the same lesson to any daughters I am blessed with - because we can never see the future. I don't want to teach my kids that working while they have small children is terrible or a bad situation because plenty of parents who would rather be a full-time stay-at-home-parent need to work. I also don't want to teach my kids that only women make good primary caregivers because plenty of parents who wanted to be the primary breadwinner end up being a full time caregiver for at least a season or two due to unemployment.
Holly Homemaker Part Three (published 03/01/2011; that's longer than I can focus on most topics)
"Chores teach kids to respect the work that it takes to run a home. Completing tasks well is the first step on the path to be a lawyer, astronaut or any other career." Mom F.
Mom F, I totally agree with you! My parents gave me a reasonable number of chores for my age while making sure my responsibilities at home did not interfere with my education. The Maxwells prioritized chores and working in the family businesses over education for their daughters; their sons received fewer chores but were expected to run personal businesses starting in their teens. Now, the Maxwell sons seem to be employed in various ventures - but their daughters have never worked outside of family businesses. Let me say that again: the Maxwell daughters are 37, 25 and 22 years old and have never worked for anyone outside their family. Does that strike you as a good outcome for homeschooled girls?
"Kids need to learn how to do chores to run their own homes when they leave the home - boys and girls. Women who have careers deserve the base knowledge of how to do chores." Mom G.
I love you! You realize that the Maxwells despise higher education for sons, right? Like....they wrote a whole book about how people can raise sons without needing college educations. They've never written a book about raising daughters. I wonder why that is? Is it because they think girls are easier to raise or because they realize that they are 0 for 3 in raising daughters to become married mothers which is the only form of womanhood that CP/QF followers accept?
"My husband is an engineer who hired 5 retired professionals and 2 new guys who didn't have the right credentials. I'm sure the good guys had chores as kids and the reason my husband can't find enough hard workers is because peeps don't do enough chores as kids." Mom H.
Um....I don't know what to tell you. Maybe hire a few women? People of color, perhaps? Let me know how this all works out in 3-5 years when the retired guys...retire.
Holly Homemaker Part 4 - (published April 1, 2011, but not as an April Fool's joke, alas)
"When my mom tried to get me to do chores, I was a brat. Mom decided to do the chores rather than deal with my entitled brattiness. As an adult, I had to learn how to do the chores myself. Since Mom screwed up royally with me, I'm doing it different with my kid." Moms I and J.
And yet - you turned out ok. Yup, it would have been easier to learn the chores as a child or a teen - but you decided to mouth off to your parent. Oh, and you are joining in the CP/QF habit of failing to honor your parents to make yourselves look better. Classy.
"My husband has to train Marine recruits to clean their rooms and do laundry. My 7 year old and 3 year old can do better!" Mom K
Well, training recruits in how to specifically clean everything - including how to do laundry perfectly - as part of boot camp. So...is your husband a drill sergeant? If he is, that's awesome. If not, why is he going through the process of retraining people rather than telling them to do what they are supposed to do and moving on? I am perturbed that your 7 and 3 year-olds can clean to a military standard.
"I like ChorePacks!" Mom L.
Sweet! Glad you like them!
"I had different cleaning standards than my college roommates. I never said anything about that to them while I was living with them. I don't want my kids to be like that so ChorePacks!" Mom M.
Living in a house with your roommates would have been less stressful if you spoke up about how often you wanted to do chores instead of just waiting for the roommates to read your mind. Teach your kids chores - but teach them to communicate, too!
Holly Homemaker Part Five (published May 1st, 2011; the mom of the girl in the picture weighs in!)
"My daughter wants to be a mom when she grows up because God. Hey, you realize that most of the 'chores' in the ChorePack are things like 'brush your teeth', right? My kids do a reasonable amount of chores for their age. I didn't know how to do laundry when I went to college and my mom is glad we're raising our kids differently." Original Mom.
Yeah, that's the downside of ChorePacks. Laminated name-tag holders are meant to hold a single piece of paper. When you need to fit 8 pieces of paper in one, it looks absurdly stuffed. In preschool classrooms I've subbed in, a lot of classes are trained to do 5-8 things at the beginning of class using something like a ChorePack so I don't think the idea itself is bad.
I'm kinda thrown that so many parents didn't teach their kids how to do chores or laundry. On the flip side, none of these women seem permanently stunted by that oversight either.
And let's be honest - at least Teri Maxwell got five posts out of one cranky comment on a picture!
*Don't worry, peeps. It's not an affiliate link. I'm too lazy to do that and I doubt the Maxwells would pay me anyways.
** Oh, God. We are so snowed in right now. Clearly, humans were never meant to live in Michigan. Thankfully, we are all safe, warm and healthy.
"I'm working to make sure he gives me a heap of grandkids to make my dream of a lot of kids come true"
ReplyDelete..How does one even "work to make sure" of that? Is she sending a fertile female to his room at night to do the Ruth routine? More likely trying to drill typical QF have-babies-or-bust guilt trips into his head. One thing these people are universally shameless about is bragging about shoving their kids into their own cookie cutter outlines.
The rest was very entertaining, and blows me away yet again how much laundry and domestic stuff is prized by these people above education. Love your takes, thanks for posting!
I didn't think of the Ruth idea - but I love it! I was assuming something along the lines of the Andersons/Duggars who marry their kids off as soon as the kids are legal. In the absence of birth control of any type or major infertility, the kid will probably end up with double-digits family size regardless of if it makes sense for his family.
DeleteWow, there is so much here.
ReplyDeleteFor me one of the main things is the thought of your child literally *wearing* a list of chores to do. I mean.... to me that's just way over the top.
They're a kid. At home. To me that means they're supposed to be able to be themselves. It's really important that they learn that who they are is different from what they do. And wearing a list of chores to do seems a whole lot like it's crossing the lines across "things I need to do" and into "this is who I am."
It just feels way wrong to me. Plus if you have so many kids that you need to keep straight who they are and what they do by literally slapping it onto their chests then something's amiss.
Beyond that part, so many of the mommy quotes have red flags waving high. But I'll just pick on a couple.
First of all, Mommy H. I don't even understand the point of what she's saying. If her husband hired some people, what does whether they're retired or not have to do with it. And if he hired people with a bad work ethic, do you think maybe he is just bad at choosing who would be a good fit for his company? I mean.... there are science-based ways to make sure you're picking the right employees for your position. Don't blame the workers if you made bad choices. Also, I like that she doesn't even know for sure if those people learned chores at home, she's just guessing.
Secondly, Moms I and J (who strangely say the exact same thing). All you've done here is prove you're still a brat. When we're grownups we *own* our failings and weaknesses and work on them. We don't remain bratty and blame our parents forever. Maybe her mother's best calculation was that she valued a relationship with her daughter over fighting with her, maybe the mother felt like doing laundry was something she could learn pretty easily later but if she pushed so hard the daughter severed ties that might not be fixed so easily. Jeez lady. I'm laying this one squarely on you, not your mother.
So most of my family has ADHD and when we were growing up my mom (an elementary school teacher turned SAHM) took pictures of all of our chores, printed and laminated them, hole punched them, and stuck them on necklaces. She handed them out in the morning and night so that everyone could brush their teach, brush their hair, make their beds, clean their rooms, wash dishes, etc. It actually worked really well for my siblings and I to have a tangible reminder on our body of what we were supposed to do so that my mom didn't have to hover over us constantly. I kinda think I still need this system as an adult. Of course, I don't agree at all with the Maxwells or any CP/QF idea that children (in other words, girls) need to learn how to manage a house at seven, but I do think that wearing a list of chores can be helpful depending on the child.
Delete@Shelflife - Honestly, I'm not as bothered by the chore system as I am by the responses of the moms. The chores system are a way to help the family move through the boring parts of the day as quickly as possible. As AAR points out, for those of us with AD(H)D, having a visible list of what needs to be done facilitates getting stuff done. I agree that part of the issue is that large families are just plain harder to manage and I find the Maxwells claim that moms will benefit from being able to check on who is supposed to be doing what a bit creepy.
Delete@Audrey Allyn O'Reily: I'm all about visual methods of staying on task. I'm in the process of labeling my son's toy tubs with pictures of which toys go in there. He's too young to use them but my husband and I get sick of having him freaking out because he wants _____ toy and we don't know which bin it's in.