Joyfully At Home: Chapter Three - Part Three

Well, we are in day three of Snowmageddon and I am pre-loading a bunch of blog posts.

Michigan has two nice seasons of spring and fall when people can spend the whole day outdoors without too much planning.  In the summer,  we have spells of weather in the mid-eighties or higher with 90% humidity.  Outside excursions are possible, but are best undertaken early in the morning or in the early evening when the sun is low.   During the winter, the temperatures stay below freezing for weeks at a time - but as long as the temperature is above 0F - we don't usually need to make any special accommodations besides winter clothing.  We usually have 2-3 winter storms a year that disrupt school and travel for 24 hours or less before the roads are cleared.   Multi-day winter storms like this are very rare in this area of Michigan; I don't remember one like this in my life.  My parents lived through the blizzard of 1978 which shut down their town for a week.   We're probably going to be melted out by Saturday, I hope.

I'd never realized how much I depended on being able to go outside until these last three days while the storm has made it too dangerous.  My husband's truck was in the shop and we planned to pick it up this morning.  The three of us got bundled up, hopped into my minivan and started off.   We made it about a half-mile before deciding that traversing the 5 miles to the auto shop would be too dangerous.  The next street was a half-mile farther along and I made a U-turn there.   The road alternated between 12-18" of drifted snow and bare ground thanks to the constant wind we've been having for a few days along with an average of 6" of snow each day.

Making decisions about when (or if) to do basic chores during a winter storm is part of being an adult.   The problem facing young women who are stay-at-home daughters (SAHD) is that these women are expected to conform to the vision of their father.   It's most obvious in courtships.  The Duggar daughters who have married were all expected to conform to the Duggar parent ideals - no "front hugs" and no unchaperoned time with their suitor.   The daughters were all legal adults when they entered their courtships, but the rules for the courtship was set up by the parents.   Based on the book "Before You Meet Prince Charming", the Mally family agrees.   The Maxwell Family views their sons to be under the authority of their father until marriage so presumably the daughters are too.

In "Joyfully At Home", Jasmine Baucham includes a swipe at adult SAHDs who follow their father's vision without being fully conversant in the details of the plan. 

For instance, I once had a friend over, and we were talking about various movies that were playing in the theater at the time. I brought up a movie that I had not seen or read about yet, but was interested in looking into, and my friend - a wonderful, Godly 19 year old woman -quipped, "Oh, my dad says I'm not allowed to watch that movie."

When I asked her why, she shrugged her shoulders helplessly. "He just said so." I questioned her further, intent on getting to the bottom of her helpless attitude towards the situation. " Did he say you couldn't ask him why?" I wanted to know.

She shook her head. " No. He read something in the paper and said we probably shouldn't be interested in that movie."

" Did he burn the paper afterwards?" I asked.

" No, he left it open on the coffee table."

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a young woman who trust fully in the wise guidance of her father. However, to do so without caring seek the reasoning behind the decision might show laziness or an indifference on the daughter's part. (pgs.48-49)

I think Ms. Baucham's intention for stay-at-home daughters is clear.  Daughters should put the time and energy to fully understand why their fathers believe certain things and be able to explain that belief clearly to outsiders.

It's a nice idea - but there is an assumption that once daughters learn the reason for their family's belief, the daughters will both agree with the belief and want to continue the behavior.

Allow me to create a thought experiment around Jasmine's story.   The next time her friend wants to see a certain movie, her father says she shouldn't watch it because of something he read in the paper.  The friend picks up the paper and reads it.    How might the daughter's belief in her father's vision be shaken if she finds that:

• The movie "God Is Not Dead" is described as a collection of how conservative Christians wish the world worked, but because of that the movie is completely unobjectionable and edifying for people within a certain belief system.   Too bad her dad refuses to let anyone in his family watch movies because he thinks they are a waste of time a la Steven Maxwell.
• The movie "Hidden Figures" has no objectionable content in terms of sexuality or language. It does, however, show adult women working while they have children at home - and that's immoral according to Ken and Lori Alexander.
• The movie "Selma" has some content-related violence - but the thing her father really objects to is the idea that black people are equal to white people.  That's against the Bible according to anyone who raves about Rushdoony like the Botkin Family.

Exploring the beliefs held by your family is a critical component of growing up - but 19-year old Jasmine Baucham hadn't yet grappled with the reality that it is very natural for adults to reject some beliefs that their parents hold strongly. 

This rejection of reality illustrates one of the flaws of the expectation of SAHDs that living under their family's vision automatically moves them closer to being a woman who is ready to leave her family of origin and marry.  For a SAHD who objects to an item of her family's belief system, her only option is to crush her disbelief and stick with the family's beliefs.  If she openly questions the beliefs, she's being worldly so it's better to shut down those nagging thoughts and feelings before they destroy her family.

If a person ignores their thoughts and feelings long enough, they will stop hearing those thoughts and feeling, certainly - but at the cost of losing the ability to think critically about situations as well as losing the benefits "gut-instincts" bring to the table.   The person will be less likely to discomfort their friends and family - but are at very high risk of being taken in by cult leaders, conmen and predators.

I suspect that 28-year-old Jasmine Holmes has a more nuanced understanding of belief formation among adolescents and adults, thankfully.  I hope her mature understanding makes inroads into CP/QF beliefs.

The last post in this chapter is my favorite.  Ms. Baucham explains that your dad always has a vision - even if he swears he doesn't.....