Joyfully At Home: Chapter Four - Part Two

Whoo-hoo!  The radiologist was able to get a good look at the lumps in my breast using a standard mammography and a slightly modified one to flatten the lumps more and gave me a firm diagnosis of fat necrosis.  That's a benign condition where some fat cells break and the body's attempts to deal with the aftermath create a lump in a variety of shapes, firmness and mobility.

Personally, I had very little discomfort during the mammogram.  I had no pain in most of my breast and only mild discomfort in the area closest to my chest wall - like a two out of ten.  Actually, the most uncomfortable bit for me was that I had to press my armpit firmly into the corner of x-ray plate to get the right angle for my breast on the plate.  I kept laughing while the technician was positioning my breast because the entire process was rather ridiculous.  The hardest part for me is that I could never pace my breathing correctly because I needed to hold my breath while the mammogram was being taken to cut down on blurriness.  This sounds straightforward - but I swear I had always just finished exhaling when I needed to hold my breath....which made me giggle more my inability to time anything correctly.

I actually felt more anxious when I got a good test result; I had coped by simply not thinking about the lump at all - and all of the stress hit me once I realized that everything turned out alright.

My husband has been great during the stress of the last two and a half years including supporting me during this health scare..  We've been through all of the stress of Spawn's birth and resulting medical problems.  During the same time, my husband decided to leave his partnership in his family farm due to a combination of intractable interpersonal issues and catastrophically low milk and commodities prices.  We had all the crazy-making of dealing with that plus my husband trying to find a new career while we've transitioned from medical issues with Spawn to developmental issues.  That lead to me returning to work (which has been pleasant for me) and my husband taking on more of Spawn's therapy needs.

I bring this up because marriage is a lot of work during stressful times.  Both partners need to be self-aware of their needs, mindful of their partner's needs and able to communicate clearly.  The partners also need to be able to compromise and brainstorm new solutions when older methods stop working for their families.

In that framework, nineteen-year old Jasmine Baucham's assertion in "Joyfully At Home" that young women can learn to be submissive to their future husband through being correctly submissive towards their brothers:

But, as a man, my brother - and your brother - is fighting against a culture that wants to emasculate him. [..]

So the last thing we need to do as a sister is belittle and invalidate them.

It can be difficult. I am 3 years older than my brother, and that, coupled with the fact that girls mature faster than boys, and the fact that I am just plain bossy, has shown me that the brother - sister relationship is such a huge part of the sanctification process! I have to bite my tongue when I want to nag him about chores; I need to let him lead when Mama and Daddy are gone and there are decisions that need to be made; I need to encourage him when I see glimpses of that mighty man of God that I know he'll become.

[...]

Building up our brothers doesn't just help them become better men, or give them a place of respite from the battle of the world, but it helps us become better women. My dad often reminds me that few things can prepare a young woman to submit to her husband better that a teenage girl practicing deference to her teenage brother. No, he is not perfect, but your husband will not be perfect either! Learning to relate to your incredibly flood brother with gentleness and kindness will instill in you a personality trait that will be invaluable in a marriage. (pg. 58)

I apologize for blaming Jasmine Baucham for this; her father who should know better encourages this crazy shit.

The entire subject of masculinity in CP/QF culture deserves an entire blog.  Personally, I feel CP/QF culture does more to harass and minimize men than the worst of mainstream culture.  CP/QF bloggers will reference "dopey dads" and feminism for the downtrodden state of men - but are men so well-off in CP/QF's alternate universe?

1. Men are trained since childhood to be the sole income earner of a family of double-digit dependents.  That would be a hard enough task, but the men are also discouraged from either going to college, discouraged from getting advanced training outside of self-study, and encouraged to start their own businesses.  Now, there are always people who manage to support their families in the absence of post-secondary training and some of them do it by starting a business.  Small-businesses have around a 50% failure rate per year of operation - and not everyone has the personality or comfort with the risk involved in a self-owned business. Really, that's an ok thing.  Looking at the wider employment picture shows that most people will work for someone else and that people with post-secondary training are unemployed at lower rates than people with secondary education as their terminal degree.   Long story short: men are expected to achieve a middle-class living while being denied the skills most middle-class families use to have enough income.
2. Second generation CP/QF men are likely married to women who have few, if any, career skills.  Ironically, Jasmine (Baucham) Holmes is a rare gem who has a college degree and teaching experience.   When her spouse's income declines, she's got previous career experience that she can translate into part-time or full-time job.  Compare that to any of the Maxwell, Duggar or Botkin daughters who have no job references outside of immediate family members.   As someone who just went through a hiring process for an entry-level job, I promise that a 37 year old woman reentering the workforce after being a caregiver for a child or parent made complete sense to the interviewer and in this case made me a safe bet for a customer-facing job - but someone of the same age with no work experience would be a very poor bet.  This increases the pressure on the husband to earn income for the family since there is literally no one else who can.  
3. Like women, men are confined to a strict set of gender expectations.  Men are supposed to be tough and a bit defiant of authority figures.  Men are expected to be hands-off with kids until they are older toddlers.  Men are supposed to do manly jobs like computers, sales, or manual labor not womanly jobs like teaching, cooking or caregiving.  On top of providing for the family, men are supposed to be the main decision-makers AND the spiritual leaders of the home.  That's confining and exhausting enough for a man who naturally fits the role - but for a man who is more gentle or retiring by nature?  Hellish.

The rest of the quote has two glaring problems.  Jasmine was not the head woman in her home and Trey was not her husband.

I'm by nature an egalitarian partner.  Life is busy and hectic at the best of times so we may as well divvy up things that need to be done by who is best at the duty - or divvy it up so both people have roughly even workloads.  In the Baucham household, it may be that Bridget and Voddie work best when Bridget takes a subsidiary role in decision making and a main role in assigning chores.  The arrangement of the parents hardly means that the household functions best when Jasmine and Trey are placed into those roles.   More broadly, it's bad form to assume that "the man of the house" should always make decisions for the family.  In the last post, Jasmine wrote about taking her four youngest siblings to the rodeo.  Let's use that as the start for a thought experiment.  I suspect Jasmine knows more about the routines of her little brothers than Trey due to gender role expectations - so what if Trey wants to do a "family" outing that Jasmine thinks will end in lots of upset toddlers?  Why should Trey's make gender trump Jasmine's knowledge?

Here's the other problem: the one advantage to a spousal relationship is that the two partners chose each other.   You don't pick your siblings.  My husband and I are not perfect people - but I chose his imperfections as well as what I liked about him.  I love my brother - but I wouldn't thrive in a marriage with someone with a similar personality.  We are both intense and like to be right...a lot.  My husband's more laid-back personality soothes the sting of being wrong for me and so we don't get in cycles of arguing about who is right.

I do believe that people can learn skills that will help in a marriage within their family of origin assuming that their family is functional.  Learning to communicate is important.  Being patient, caring and supportive are important as is being assertive and setting boundaries.

Have fun!  I'll be toting a teething toddler - did I mention his last second molar is coming in? - to and from doctor's offices this week so I'll be having a blast😎