Joyfully At Home: Chapter Six - Part Three

I'm writing this section in a more patchwork method than I have previously.  The reason is pretty simple: Spawn and I are both dealing with colds combined with allergies from hell.  This summer has been glorious with plenty of rain (which limits my need to water my garden), temperature in the 70's and 80's instead of 90's and 100's, and limited humidity.  The downside is that ragweed seems to be as fond of this weather as I am.  Every time I go outside, I end up with a severe stuffy nose that manages to run as well.

The Spawn probably has a cold; he keeps spiking a low fever in mornings and evenings and isn't quite his usual active self.    To add insult to injury, we've found out that he gets good-sized mosquito bite reactions like I do instead of my husband's "Wait....what do you mean your bites don't disappear in an hour?" absence of a reaction.  We found out when he got two bites about 1/4 of an inch apart on his forehead that swelled into one egg-shaped swelling for a few days before starting to recede - but not before my husband and I were joking that Spawn's cold was the early stages of malaria.  Or maybe dengue fever.  But probably the first mosquito-borne case of Lyme's disease...that bump is what the bulls-eye rash rash morphed to when it switched vectors. 

Oh, and then he got a matching egg-shaped bump from losing his balance while walking with my dad, dropping one hand, spinning 270 degrees around Dad's other hand and thwacking his head on a corner of the wall.   My dad was beside himself; Spawn wanted to keep walking.

Oh, and my job is in the middle of the Labor Day Sale.  For my paint department, this quadruples the workload while increasing the staffing levels by around 10%.  My goal is to make it through the 14 day sale without having any cans of paint open inside the shaker.  During my first major sale, I had one can spray.  During my second major sale, I blew two cans during a single shift.  Following that pattern, I'm due for three open cans....but I'd really like to avoid cleaning out a paint shaker ever again.

Well, let's get down to it:

This is the last section in Jasmine Baucham's "Joyfully At Home" explanation of how young women are having unacceptable emotions about being single and that the women are praying wrong on top of that.  My two cents is that women are allowed to have a full range of emotions  including anger, sadness, frustration and sexual desire.  More broadly, lecturing people on the inadequacies of their silent prayers feels overbearing and obnoxious - but it feels more natural when I think of myself at 19 because new adults often believe they have more wisdom than mature adults.

We might cry out because we feel that singleness is a less than state. " Oh, Lord, I am so very anxious for the day when the Purgatory of singleness will be over, and when you will usher me into the gloriously heavenly state of matrimony." (pg. 78)

Case in point: CP/QF young women didn't create the idea that unmarried girls are in a lesser state than a married woman.  CP/QF single women ARE in a lesser state than any other class of adults.  The freedom levels of male and female teens diverge as male teens move into the wider world to gain employment.  Young men can interact with a wider variety of people from mainstream society while working with clients.  Similarly, young men are expected to initiate courtships with available single women.

Unmarried women in CP/QF society have little autonomy.  The ideal stay-at-home daughter (SAHD) labors enthusiastically in her family's ministry remaining unsullied by commerce, sinners or wages.  She educates herself through enthusiastic study of books or courses that have been pre-screened to avoid controversial or risque material.  She confidently proclaims that she is more educated than other people because she has avoided the nebulous dangers of public schools.  At the same time, her education is for the purpose of self-improvement since preparing for a wage-earning career would imply that she doubts the economic foundational underpinning of CP/QF society.  She enjoys fellowship with other single CP/QF women while being kept separated from the more honored young married couples.  Most importantly, Mr. Right manages to find and begin a courtship with her in the complete absence of encouragement from the young woman.

What does this look like in real life? Sitting at home waiting for Mr. Right to show up so her life can begin.  Possibly writing books for a family vanity press or managing a portion of the family's public brand - but mostly sitting on the sidelines and hoping Mr. Right finds her...somehow.

Look, married women in CP/QF land still have highly constrained life choices - but they do have life choices.  A married woman chose to enter a courtship with a pre-approved suitor.  She said "Yes" when he asked her to marry him.  She got to plan her wedding and celebrate as a bride.  A married woman is allowed to be emotionally and physically intimate with her husband.   Being pregnant is a cause for celebration in the community if a woman is married.  The couple may choose to practice natural family planning or abstaining from sex to space pregnancies; as long as they have a kid every few years, no one will notice.  The mom becomes the family expert on homeschooling.  If she's especially ambitious - or gullible- there are a variety of home-based businesses (or pyramid schemes) that allow her to earn money.

Being a wife and mother in CP/QF land is filled with spoken and unspoken limits - but it's the most freedom most women will ever have. 

Want proof?  Imagine the outrage and pearl-clutching if Jana Duggar (or Sarah Maxwell, Anna-Sofia-Elizabeth Botkin, or other SAHD of your choice) posted an Instagram photo of herself with various sex games like Jill Dillard does.  Oh, the horrors!

We cry out because we don't understand God's sovereignty. " Oh, dear Lord, I am so fairly anxious for the day when you'll finally give me what I want to make me happy. I'm not really concerned about living in whatever state he brings you the most Glory. I just want what I want as soon as possible." (pg. 78)

Well, I mean, at least the girl is looking forward to her mostly-arranged future courtship and marriage rather than taking the more pragmatic view from the song "Matchmaker, Matchmaker" in "Fiddler On The Roof." :-P

Theologically, do Christians believe that the state a person is in currently is the de facto state that brings the greatest glory to God?  That idea feels a bit sticky to me.  Let's play a thought game.  If living CP/QF theology brings the greatest glory to God, why are so many of the most acclaimed teenager authors either single in their 30's like the Botkin Sisters and Sarah Mally or divorced like Joshua Harris?  Why have both Jasmine (Baucham) Holmes and Joshua Harris partially or completely disavowed the movements that made them famous?  Why have there been the epic flameouts of Bill Gothard's IBLP/ATI/ALERT and Doug Phillips' defunct Vision Forum?

I think that Jasmine meant to say that young women should focus on living their current life in the way that is most fitting before God - but that's not exactly what she said in the quote.

We cry out because we don't understand the bigger picture. " Oh, dear Lord, I am so very anxious for the days when my own desire will be satisfied, because I don't really understand what marriage and singleness are for. I'm looking through the lens of my desires, not through the lens of the bigger picture. (pg. 78)

This would be a great point to discuss the benefits of the states of singleness and marriedness for the Christian Church.  Unfortunately, that discussion never happens.  I'm Catholic and my church taught that single people (which, on consideration, means adults without dependents - but this is a fairly new , post-Vatican II idea that the Church is working out) can take on deeply challenging and consuming ministries that are ill-advised for people with dependent children or adults.  Missionary work, for example, is done by members of religious communities, young adults without children or older adults with children who are grown.  This greatly increases the amount of work the missionaries can do in the field while simplifying the logistics by removing children and teenagers from the equation.  Similarly, chaplains are often older people whose children are grown or members of religious orders because they can prioritize heading to a hospital to support a shocked or grieving family any time of day or night.  If the demands of a job require a person to work so many hours that they have little or no time left for their spouse or children, the Catholic Church would first expect the person to ask if that many hours is reasonable - and if so, remain single rather than stinting their family.

On the flip side, the Catholic Church is clear that people with dependents should prioritize the care of dependents over career or ministry.  The obvious example is that married couples are expected to raise their children - not just the mothers.  There are other examples of family units that are not 2 parents with 2.5 children.  I know a divorced woman who adopted a pre-teen out of foster care who felt safest in homes with women only.  The mom in this story is technically single - but would be expected to focus her time and attention on her child.   Similarly, many non-monastic religious members need to adapt or reduce their ministries when their aged parents need more support if there are no other children who can help them. 

This is why I find missionaries like Derick and Jill Dillard to be baffling: missionary work is ill-suited for families who are reproducing and raising children.  There's no way I would be allowed to serve in a international mission with a two-year old - and doubly so since my kid has special needs.  I would certainly be allowed to help out in my local community if I had time - but no one think "Hey, let's send her to El Salvador!".

Sometimes we literally cry. Tears stream down our faces as we mourn the state that we have been relegated to, because everyone knows that single girls are casts off, while the married women are the true prizes. Sometimes, we get angry. We blame the Lord for making us wait, we blame the men in our lives for not seeing us as the treasures we are, we blame our parents for not helping us look hard enough to find what we're searching for. Sometimes, we simply grow despondent. Our countenances are weary, our mood is depressed, and we shuffle through life half-heartedly, just waiting for something better to come along. (pgs. 78-79)

Remember, this book was written when Jasmine was 19 years old.

 Ladies, a culture has reached crazy-town when women are crying themselves to sleep because she's single less than two years after reaching the age of majority. 

Or when 19 year old women are seething with silent rage because the young men who are trying to start their own businesses with little formal education, few acquaintances to hook as clients, and little or no credit to purchase equipment decide to postpone marriage until they have income.

Or when women are understandably despondent because the only way a girl can change her life is by convincing her father to change the way his family is run or hoping Mr. Right shows up.

I married at 30; presumably, I should have had several months worth of sobbing nights, a plethora of enraged prayer sessions and years of crushing loneliness.   Fortunately for me, I had plenty of options when I started wanting a long-term relationship or feeling unmoored.   When I wanted to find a man to marry and raise a family, I started dating. 

Did I make mistakes?  You better believe I did!  Actually, the biggest mistake I made was assuming that meeting a guy the 'right' way - which for me meant in a friendship group that progressed to good friends that progressed to romance in the safety of a church setting - was a talisman against getting my heart broken. 

*shakes head at the sweet naivete of younger self*

That relationship sucked - and it solidly shook me up when it ended.  CP/QF relationship rules state that having a broken heart or a shaken worldview make a person a subpar marriage prospect.  For me, being gutted by someone I loved forced me to examine how I missed so many red flags.    I had to admit that my desire to be with someone I loved morphed into a desperation to make this relationship work.  To force the relationship to work, I created an entire series of rationales for why I tolerated behavior in my boyfriend that I would find unacceptable to do myself.   Realizing how much I compromised my own values on how people should treat one another was painful - but the net outcome was I learned to value myself more. 

I spent a year after that breakup creating a life that satisfied me - and would be satisfying if I never married.   I have no regrets about that because marriage can't fill every desire a person has.  Certain desires can only be sated by building community bonds or by platonic friendships or by changing one thing in the world.

What I feel sad about is that so many people - men and women - in CP/QF are prevented from making those kinds of changes because of rules about obeying authorities.