Joyfully At Home: Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine in Jasmine Baucham's "Joyfully At Home" teaches young women how to overcome a false view of self.   Practically,  I think people would need a whole lot more support and action to do that than reading a short chapter in a self-help book written by a 19 year old.

I'm probably attacking the idea from the wrong angle, though, since I work on the theory that God makes men and women with certain skills and strengths independent of gender.  From that, I believe that women should not be limited to one uniform vocational track of wife-mother.   Many women will marry and quite a few will be mothers - but not every woman is called to be a wife or mother.  Nor do I think that children require two parents.  The vast majority of women will work in the larger society as a worker at some point in their lives - and many of us do that while being excellent wives and mothers.

Turns out the chapter is more simple than that.   The "false view of self" is the crazy idea that women have a right to marry a man whose personality complements their strengths and flaws.  Instead, a woman is supposed to pick a man who will sanctify her by having a marriage where the two people grate on each other.

Take this gem:

Often times, when I hear young women speaking about what type of men they would like to marry, they don't talk about the type of personalities that would challenge and grow them...they talk about the type of personalities that they would fancy. (...) It was focused on what I would like, what would balance me, what would make me comfortable, what would I wouldn't need to change for. (pg. 104)

Well, yeah.

In a egalitarian marriage, partners will grow and change together hopefully because both people are allowed to ask for changes they need from their partner to be happy.   Yes, it is important for spouses to be roughly aligned in personality traits - but both people have room to grow over time.

In CP/QF land, women are supposed to be subservient to their husbands.  All the time.  Ideally, without spending too much time forcing their husbands to explain the rationale behind their decisions.   The husband is a priest, prophet, protector and provider, after all.  You can't expect him to be an explainer as well.   *rolls eyes*

Since a young woman has exactly once chance to decide who she's being yoked to for the rest of her life,  I feel that she should make that decision based on who she is and what is a sensible choice based on her personality. 

 Here's a tiny example from my life.  I prefer to socialize outside my home and have my home be a space for rest, relaxation and family life.  I do have close friends and family over - but the thought of hosting a large party out of my home sounds hellish to me.  Large parties, in my humble opinion, are the reason community and church halls were created.

Can you imagine how stressful being married to a man who thrives on in-home entertaining would be for me?  Notice: this is just a minor personal preference without any sin or angst attached - but I would be exhausted and frazzled if our home was expected to be party central for local families.

Apparently, women need to pre-conform themselves to their future husband - without asking if the change the woman is making in herself is sensible or even Christian:

For instance, I always prayed for a man who could tolerate the fact that I am extremely emotional. But I never considered mortifying the sin that was a lack of self-control on my part. I prayed for someone who's laid back personality balanced out my perfectionism. I never thought to mortify the sin of pride in my life. I prayed for a decisive man because I grow impatient with visionaries who are juggling 15 ideas at once. I never once thought to pray for patience or a submissiveness that would teach me to ride the roller coaster of being married to a visionary man. (pg. 104)

Interestingly, Christianity only cautions against extreme emotions that warp our reactions to others.  Believers are cautioned against wrath  - anger that seeks to hurt and destroy.  Lust - sexual attraction that objectifies the other person.  Greed - wanting more for the sake of possession.  Envy - malicious desire for what another person has.  Pride - an inability to look at self clearly.  Sloth - failure to act to help self or others.  Gluttony - overconsumption that weakens self or others.

I just have difficulty believing that 19-year old Jasmine was cherishing envy against her friends who married.   She wrote a book while helping with her pile of younger brothers and attending college online so I feel like sloth is probably not a huge issue with her.   Being lustful requires feeling sexual desire while actively objectifying the other person - and we've covered that she freaked out when around guys she was attracted to so that's out.   I just can't buy that she was massively cherishing problematic emotions.

Perfectionism is kind of related to pride - but perfectionism is rooted more in anxiety than it is in overly high self-worth.   I've struggled with perfectionism in my life especially in academic pursuits and for me the fear is that I will somehow fail the expectations that another person has about me if I do less than perfect.   Over the years, I learned that 1) my expectations of what other people expect is totally out of whack and 2) if someone's expectations are that high, I need to get out of that situation for my own sanity.

Oh, Lord.  Don't pray for the patience to handle being married to a visionary man of the Debi Pearl type.   That's a ragingly unfair marriage where the husband gets to act like a child by doing all the "fun" work of indulging dreams without weighing the downsides of the newest plan.  Meanwhile, his wife is trapped trying to make-do with an ever-increasing brood of children, diminishing resources, and the exhaustion of being the 'bad guy' when  reality intrudes on the newest dream.

If we feel ourselves to the brim with romantic thoughts and inclinations, if all we can think about is courtships, weddings, honeymoons, starting a family, about how we could be married in as little as six months if the right guy came along tomorrow.... Then whenever we feel the pressure of those pesky heart palpitations, what's going to come out is a wistful side, not a reasonable jolt back into reality. (pg. 108)

*lifts jaw off keyboard* 

Girl, slow your roll!

 Do not marry a dude 6 months after you meet him!

 No! Bad life choice!  No!

See, this is what you miss when you don't watch 20/20 or Dateline or any other voyeuristic crime TV shows.   "Yeah, she fell hard and fast for that dude she met.  It was love at first sight!  They got married so fast.  Too bad she missed ( his criminal record / history of wives dying suspiciously / the fact he has 2 other families living/ that his history was a lie/ his blinding rages) until it was too late" is pretty much the stock story told by the mom/sister/best friend of the dead woman.

 Don't forget that you can be miserable without marrying a criminal sociopath.  CP/QF type love the Book of Proverbs. Let's remember a proverb shared in societies with less patriarchal marriage types: Marry in haste; repent at leisure.

Did Jasmine know that at 19?  Nah - that's prime time for young people marrying quickly and setting up a home together.  It takes a few years after that to watch marriages fall apart and end in divorce - or worse - solidify into two very unhappy people trapped together.

Really, the nicest thing I can say about this chapter is that it is short.   We're done with this chapter in one installment - and that's nice!