Making Great Conversationalists: Chapter Eleven - Part Two

I had an interesting week.  Two of my subbing positions were standard secondary classroom positions - nice kids, interesting enough lessons, but nothing much out of the ordinary.  The other two days I subbed in an SXI (severe multiple disabilities) classroom for 3-5th graders and as a gym teacher for K-5th graders at a regional EI (Emotional/Conduct disabilities) program.

 I had an absolute blast in both programs! 

The SXI classroom had six kids who each had a slew of goals for physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech, academics and living skills.  Two of the kids were working at speech and academic goals of 3-4 year olds while the rest were at goals between a few months to two years.  As I'm writing this, I realize this sounds rather grim on paper - but the kids had lots of fun during the day.  Each kid spent at least an hour a day integrated into a traditional classroom.  I worked with the most severely affected kid - and she loved having a third-grade buddy who would read her stories.  Her third-grade buddy was super-excited when I showed him that the other student could pick between two books if he held them about three feet apart.  Most of the day, the students were in a self-contained classroom within a 4th-5th grade building.  Students from that building would volunteer to take the students to play in the gym before school, eat lunch together and take the kids in wheelchairs for adventures during recess.  The biggest help was having a mass of helpers to keep track the one boy who was independently mobile.  He was the littlest kid in the class, showed the most skill at pre-planning escapes and was a fast and silent runner.  The only problem I had was that when chasing our little escape artist, I tripped over a PT mat, flew through the air and landed on the mats.  If all of me had hit the mats, I'd have forgotten the incident by now - but my right thumb landed between two mats.  The mats held my thumb in place while most of my body weight crashed down onto my thumb while my thumb twisted slightly.   I managed to sprain both of my thumb joints on that hand about two hours into the day.  This greatly messed with my ability to fasten the scads of belts and harnesses needed by the kids when they were in various adaptive devices.  Luckily, the kids were big enough that I could use my forearms as the main lifting points under their arms rather than hands/thumbs.

My day at the EI program was pretty much the same as every other gym class I've ever taught.  The youngest group of K-2 (who were mostly 2nd graders) enjoyed trying to shoot baskets and working at dribbling basketballs.  The oldest group of 5th graders took to shooting soccer balls and passing back and forth like future soccer phenoms.   The group of 3rd and 4th grade boys played more tag than I've played in years - and they were very careful to avoid touching my visibly bruised and taped right thumb.

I had a blast - and I feel kind of sad.  See, both programs had an insanely hard time recruiting subs and paraprofessionals.  I look at all the blogs of stay-at-home daughters who are young, unencumbered by needing to earn enough to live independently and bored out of their minds waiting at home for someone to marry them - and I wonder how much more enjoyable their lives would be if they filled one of those empty parapro positions in a local school.   Sure, sure - they wouldn't want to parapro in a "traditional school" since that would be turning their backs on homeschooling as the only way to Jesus - but working in a self-contained classroom with severely disabled kids is so clearly one of those Christian things to do that only a lunatic would object to that.  Plus, it's so very motherly; I joked that both days I pretty much did what I would normally do with my son - but for cash.

Seriously - what's a better preparation for being a wife and mother: writing occasional blogs / instagram posts / vanity-published books while mostly doing nothing at home OR helping kids learn the skills they need in day-to-day life?

This struck me as I was reviewing this chapter.  Steven and Teri Maxwell spend most of chapter 11 in "Making Great Conversationalists" explaining that the major goal of conversation is to convert random stranger to fundamental evangelical Christianity.  Now, I've never hidden my skepticism around the likelihood that these methods provide any long-lasting conversions to Christianity.  Reading this chapter failed to change my mind mainly because the following conversation feels so contrived:

Bob goes to church with his wife, but over time it has become obvious to Jim that Bob doesn't have a relationship with Jesus. Jim has been praying for Bob's salvation ever since he realize the Bob wasn't saved. Today appears to be the perfect time to share the gospel with Bob. After some small talk, Jim decides to take the plunge.

[...]

"Bob, I used to go to church just like you, but there came a time when I realized heaven isn't just a matter of going to church. That was the best day of my life, and that is what I wanted to talk to you about. I'd like to share a few of the Ten Commandments with you and ask how you have done in keeping them. Bob, have you ever told a lie?"

"Sure I have, Jim. Hasn't everyone?"

" Bob, I have too, but that doesn't mean it is acceptable to God. God's law says," Thou shalt not bear false witness," which means to lie. If we have ever told a lie, we have broken one of God's commandments. Have you ever stolen anything, even a paperclip? (pg. 179)

Yup.  Every bit of that conversation feels so natural and realistic, doesn't it?   No, seriously, this reads like how the Maxwells' dream of conversations going instead of the normal response of people visibly trying to get out of a conversation that has turned awkward as hell without insulting the other person. 

Let's run over the weirder bits one by one. 

People inside CP/QF land - heck, evangelical Christians in general - must not realize how arrogant they sound when they decide that another person must not be a saved Christian in spite of the target attending a Christian church.   Here's a little hint: the idea of needing a personal relationship with Jesus that includes a deeply emotional moment where they realize how much of a sinner they are is a relatively recent construct in Christianity.  This idea popped up in a few different Protestant branches.  The older denominations including Roman Catholicism, Orthodoxy and Coptic Churches along with the majority of Protestant denominations do not require moment of being born-again for salvation to occur.   The absence of born-again theology in the largest groups in Christianity doesn't mean that being born-again is a bad thing; the experience is clearly deeply moving and important for many Christians.  My issue comes when people decide that their salvation requirements trump the requirements of the church that a person belongs to.

Bob launches himself into "The Good Person Test" disseminated by Living Waters Ministry.  If you've never taken "The Good Person Test" the link above takes you to an entirely online version.  The Maxwells drag Jim through recognizing that he's a thief and a liar and stop before Bob attempts to convince Jim that Jim's an adulterer, a murderer and a blasphemer. 

There's a reason the Maxwells stopped there; the test falls apart hilariously over the next few steps in real life.  See, the test becomes super-creepy when a random person starts pressing in casual conversation to make the other person admit that they've looked at another person with lust.   The conversion-hound is forced to imply the other person is lying or change the meaning of "lust" to include "desire".  The Bible, of course, views desire as being natural and healthy.  Lust requires treating the other person as an object for the purpose of sexual pleasure only - and that's not a major issue for a lot of people.

Let's say the conversion-pusher gets through adultery and decides to try to convince the other person that the fact that they've been angry means they are a murder.  People who have read the Bible realize that the conversion-o-holic is really stretching Jesus' teachings to make that connection.  A more accepted understanding is that a person who allows anger to mutate into hatred and a desire for revenge is moving in a dangerous direction.  Jesus spends most of the Gospels being angry.  He's angry at his disciples for being prats, at various religious groups for being judgemental, at religious authorities in general and goes a bit bonkers on the money-changers at the temple.  Christians are allowed to feel anger when treated unjustly or when seeing others being treated unjustly.   Anger can be a motivating force - but it must not be allowed to change into hate. 

The blasphemy bit is relatively easy. 

Most of the time the conversion target will simply nod along while regretting letting this person into their life.   Added fun occurs, though, when the target refuses to play along.   One option is arguing about the meaning of the verses as I did above.  A more amusing option is to ask the conversion-eer if each of the statements about them is true since they've been saved.   Imagine if Jim - poor Jim who was expecting a social conversation with Bob - asked Bob if Bob has lied since he's been saved.  Bob, I assume, would say "no".  What if Jim pushed a bit?  After all, this entire test is a series of lies.  Bob lies when he says that his goal is to talk to Jim about what commandments Jim has disobeyed; Bob's goal is to convert Jim.   The Maxwells lie by omission all the time when it suits them.  The Maxwells set up a balloon animal and face-painting booth at the county fair every year to attract people to give out informational fliers to.  That's a pretty mundane and harmless activity - except that the Maxwells allow their daughters to paint images that the Maxwells view as improper for their own family to view.  The Maxwells teach that professional sports fandom is a one-way street to alcoholism, underemployment and marital discord - but they let Mary paint little Kansas City Royals logos on kids' faces in hopes the kids will pick up a tract.   That's a bit discordant, isn't it?

I hope someone calls Steven Maxwell on the hypocrisy of using this test when he dishonored his father and mother in "Preparing Sons....Families".   In that lovely book, Steven Maxwell blamed his dad for Steven Maxwell's teenage drinking.  Was his dad abusive?  Neglectful?  Absent from the home?  No, Steven Maxwell's dad let young Steven have a sip of his beer when Steven brought him one from the kitchen.   That's insanely disrespectful towards his father because I also had sips of alcohol as a kid....and didn't drink prior to turning 21.  Steven Maxwell didn't drink as a teenager because his father gave him sips of beer; he drank because he wanted to drink beer. 

According to the online version of the test, eventually the converter will lead the convert-mark through a theological awaking of their need for Jesus.   I've never made it to that part because I leave after pointing out that the other person's born-again moment didn't seem to make much of a difference if he or she is still a lying, murdering adulterer who is also saved. 

After getting "The Good Person" test out of their system, the Maxwells gush over "Roman's Road" (sic) as a method of conversion.  The Maxwells lost me as soon as they misspelled "Romans' Road" - the book of the Bible is the Letter to the Romans so the correct possessive form is either "Romans'" or perhaps "Romans's". 

Personally, I've got a soft spot in my heart for Romans' Road because some of the most fun I've had with former evangelicals is asking them to remember the verses in Romans' Road after trying to remember how many verses are in Romans' Road.  As a Catholic for whom Romans' Road is supposed to magically lead to born-again salvation, my experience is that even the most excited Romans' Roadie gets completely turned around and lost by about the third verse in.   I don't blame my roadie friends for that; the verses are taken from all over the Letter to the Romans so there's not a very good connectivity between them.  That lack of connectivity also makes it nearly impossible to finish if a person completely forgets a verse.  Since Romans' Road has five, eight or ten verses that need to be delivered in the correct order, I'm always amazed that anyone thinks that this is likely to end well.

Added bonus: getting out of a Romans' Road conversation is so easy! 

• Option one: When the person is struggling through a verse, say "I don't think that's the right verse.  I'll catch you later." and run away.    
• Option two: Wait until the person is visibly lost in the middle of a verse, get their attention and say, "Wait, I was just thinking about the previous verse, but I can't remember the exact words.  Can you tell me that one again?"  Then loop to option one.   Ok, it's a bit mean, but no one practices Romans' Road in reverse.   
• Option three can be used if the person includes the chapter and verse and makes it to the third verse.  The first verse is from chapter 3 followed by a verse from chapter 6...then a verse from chapter 5. Remark on that fact then ask, "If this is such an integral part of the Letter to the Romans, why are the verses so scattered and so out of order?"  
• Option four is for church members who listen to entire chunks of scripture at church each week including Catholics: When you get bored, interrupt the person and remind them that your church reads ALL of the Letter to the Romans yearly.  Follow up by asking how the person thinks the Romans' Road fits in the broader theme of the salvation of Christians through the salvation offered to the Jewish people found in the Letter to the Romans.
• Option five - Romans' Road Drinking Game!  One drink of whatever you have handy for each awkward pause in a verse. Two drinks every time the person starts a verse over.   Three drinks if they realize the verse they are reciting is out of order.    Another drink for every less than smooth explanation of what the recited verse means.  One drink for every nervous gesture, tic or involuntary bodily reaction like sweating the other person shows.   Finish the drink when the other person gives up in exhaustion. This is a good option when you feel sympathy for the other person and want to seem engaged....but you know it's not going to end well.

So...you can spend a lot of time trying to teach your offspring hokey or misleading ways to convert random stranger or you could teach them the skills needed to genuinely help other people.  Use your time wisely.

Making Great Conversationalists: Chapter 11 - Part One

I apologize for the sporadic posting recently.   Life is good - and rather busy right now.   Because of the severe teacher shortage in my state, I've been subbing 4 days a week on top of multiple-medical appointments Tuesday with my son. 

Honestly, the added income has been nice. I know in CP/QF land the fact that I'm working outside of the house while my husband looks for more steady employment is supposed to end in affairs, divorce, wayward children and the complete collapse of Western Civilization - but this seems to be a tenable and fairly pleasant situation for us.   My husband misses having a consistent job - but I think he'll be settled into a new industry pretty soon.  I find working out of the house to be invigorating and allows me to enjoy the time I spend with my son more.  My husband is really good with our son - and he and Spawn are getting even closer as my husband is the primary caregiver more of the time than I am.

 My son is doing well across the board. Weekly PT has greatly increased his torso strength and I suspect he'll be walking independently in 3-6 months. His current goal is to get his physical therapist to admit that she's really a demon sent to torment him - which is deeply ironic since she'd go to the gates of Hell and back for him.  Toddlers may not be the best at judging people.   ( :-P )   He'll be having eye surgery in early December.  Patching and glasses have corrected his lazy eye a bit - but not enough, so his opthamologist will be performing outpatient eye surgery to loosen a muscle in each eye to correct his vision.   I'm amazed what a difference nearly 2 years makes; if he had needed surgery when he was tiny, I would have been a nervous wreck.  As the mother of a robust, thriving toddler, my main concern is that applying "eye ointment" for a week after the surgery sounds....gooey.  (I think my actual words were "Man, that's a skill I was hoping to wait for the next kid for.")

And then our house was hit by the plague.  There is some evil, evil cold going around that hit my husband hard and had me laid up for the better part of a week.  The little guy, however, seems to be getting over his bout with it in good time so we are very, very grateful for that.

And then I realized that I managed to erase the few thousand words of transcription I had done for the blog before the plague hit.   Turns out that while my transcription software is good there is no software good enough to handle Michigander accent complicated by stuffed-up nose.   Today is the first day my transcription equipment was reasonably accurate so I can start blogging again!  Hurray!

More good news: The end of this book rapidly approaches!

Chapter 11 of Steven and Teri Maxwell's work "Making Great Conversationalists" has a title of some kind - but it should be titled "How to Lose Friends and Isolate Yourself through Evangelizing Badly".   Here's the very beginning of the chapter where little Thomas approaches his grandmother with CP/QF created fear:

"Why, Thomas, you are way too young to be worried about anything. What is bothering you?" Grandma asks.

"I have been thinking about how Jesus saved me last month. I was so excited when I prayed and asked Jesus forgiveness and accepted him as my savior. I have Jesus living in my heart now. I haven't heard you talk about Jesus saving you, though. I am worried that you don't have Jesus as your savior and that you won't go to heaven when you die but will go to hell! Jesus died on the cross for our sins. I love you so much, and it scares me to think of you not being in heaven with daddy, mommy, Christie, and me. Grandma, are you saved?" (pg. 177)

Thomas should be doing normal little kid things like convincing Grandma that an extra chocolate chip cookie is critical for his optimal growth or trying to pet Grandma's ancient, ornery cat.   Being terrified that Grandma isn't going to be in heaven when she dies isn't normal.  It's certainly not healthy for Thomas.

This kind of fear-mongering-meets-childish-pleas-for-others-salvation places the adult in a super-uncomfortable situation.  What is Grandma supposed to do?  If Thomas was an adult, I'd pull out the Bible and read through Matthew 25:31-46 which is the Parable of the Sheep and the Goats.  Once we've read that, I'd point out that on Judgement Day God seems to put no stock in how often a person talked about having Jesus in their heart but relied on whether they helped other people.  Because of that, I don't talk much about having Jesus in my heart but instead work on helping others.   Thomas, though, is a kid.  Am I supposed to tell him that his parents have mangled the Gospels beyond all understanding and are using him as a form of emotional manipulation? Am I supposed to flip the emotional manipulation around and ask him how he feels about the fact that I doubt his Mommy and Daddy are going to heaven - but there might be time to save Thomas and Christie if they get to work now?    See, I feel queasy and slimy at the idea of doing that - but the Maxwells encourage their followers to do the same things with their children.

I wonder how much of the "success" of cold-calling evangelical techniques is due to the fact that most people are far too polite to tell their neighbors or random strangers that their sudden impulse to "share the Gospel" is as obnoxious as if I tried to convince the Maxwells that they need to start watching Star Trek - right now!

 Here's a great example of why neighbors in Maxwell-land learn that no good deed goes unpunished:

When John was 14, we had a neighbor who was unsaved. The neighbor was retired school teacher who asked John to help him troubleshoot a problem with his lawn mower. While they were working, they talked. John was able to lead the discussion to spiritual things and eventually present the whole plan of Salvation. The neighbor rejected what John told him, preferring to remain agnostic, but he John knows he did with the Lord wanted him to do. (pg. 178)

The Maxwells are so oblivious to other people that it makes my eyes water.

Why did the retired school teacher ask John to troubleshoot a problem on his lawnmower? 

Teachers know people in the community and finding someone to fix a lawnmower is not hard so if the retired schoolteacher asked John to help him, we can safely assume there is a better reason than that the best choice was the local 14-year old.

 Most, if not all, of the Maxwell boys had lawn mowing businesses during their teenage-years; the Maxwells include daily schedules for Joseph and John with "mowing" time in "Managers of the Homes" and "Managers of their School".   Asking the neighbor's teenage kid to "help" you fix an issue you are pretty sure you know how to fix on a lawnmower would be a nice way to give them some more business while showing the kid a new skill.  Plus, teachers like to teach so an afternoon or two with a teenager fixing a mower is likely to be fun for the retired teacher as well.

How do the Maxwells repay him for this kind - and rather sweet - act?  They remind John that the guy is an agnostic and have John try one of the Maxwell traps to convince people that they should be saved. 

Ironically, as a retired teacher, I'm sure the Maxwell's neighbor has been a mark for salvation attempts before.   I had well-meaning students try and save me in alternative-ed so I'm assuming it happened to this guy, too.  Personally, I fell back on a very dry, detailed and dull explanation of the separation of church and state and how I choose to keep my religion (if any) out of the classroom to prevent undue influence on minor students.  The important part is to keep talking about minutia until the teen's eyes glaze over just a bit before changing the subject to the next task at hand.

In the next post, we'll see how the Maxwells think "The Good Person Test" and "Roman's Road" should be used - and yet they have no examples of anyone being converted by either test.

Ladies - This is NOT proving the point you think it is!

Here's a quick recap of the rationale behind the Stay-At-Home Daughter movement. 

The "theology":  Bible says that women need a male authority figure at all points so girls need to live at home under their father until they are handed off to their husband.  The theology is neither deep nor reflecting any portion of the Gospels, but no one seems to notice or care.

The educational correlation: Women are meant to be wives and mothers.  The main forms of post-secondary training in the Western world make women less likely to be wives and mothers so girls should avoid traditional education options once they graduate from homeschool.  The traditional works of women including cooking, basic household chores and childrearing are so complicated that a young woman who stays at home and helps her mother (or other Godly Woman (TM)) will end up so far ahead of women who attend college, receive vocational training or work after high school.  (No part of this section is demonstrably true, but no one seems to notice or care, either.)

I have a rather dark sense of humor and I've been enjoying watching the recipes published on the Maxwell Family's Titus 2 blog by Teri Maxwell or Sarah Maxwell along with Jill Dillard's published recipes on the Dillard Family site.  I'd call the recipes basic, but I feel like that's insulting the recipes found in real basic cookbooks.

I'm going to share my favorites by writer:

Teri Maxwell:

I have a sneaking sense of sympathy for Teri Maxwell.  I believe she really wants to be helpful to women who don't know much about cooking - but she's not great at explaining the theory that underlies the details.
How to Flash-Freeze Strawberries:

• The process she describes is not flash-freezing; it's just ordinary freezing.  
• There's no tips or anything that is noticeably different from what I have in the standard Ball Blue Book....
• The reason we half or quarter strawberries and other fruits is two-fold.  First, cutting a whole fruit into smaller pieces speeds the freezing time up markedly since the amount of time it takes to freeze is mostly dependent on the size of the fruit.  The second benefit is that smaller pieces can be packed more tightly when frozen.

Make the Most of Your Leftovers:

• This post demonstrates how to make a casserole out of leftover rice, pork spare rib meat, ham gravy with ham bits, and a few biscuits.   The resulting casserole sounds heavy for my tastes - but that's no sin.
• My bigger issue is that she doesn't - or can't - generalize that specific example into a broader idea.   I think the post would have been so much more useful if she explained that leftover meat and vegetables can be made into a casserole by combining them with a grain product like rice, tortillas, hearty breads or noodles and a condensed soup or sauce.  To assemble, put a layer of grain product on the bottom followed by the meat and vegetables.  Top with a shallow layer of grain product.  Pour sauce over top.   Cook at 350 for 30 minutes or until heated through.     
• For leftover chicken, I use tortillas, tomatoes, corn, ricotta cheese and green enchilada sauce to make enchilada casserole.  
• Leftover beef combined with egg noodles, cream of mushroom soup, a little bit of wine, and green beans makes a nice casserole, too..  
• I don't have a great leftover pork casserole - but pork fried rice is a household favorite.

Sarah Maxwell - the dedicated Amazon Affiliate writer:

How to Make Taco Meat in Your Instant Pot:

• That's a fascinating title.  An equally honest title would be "Brown meat.  Add commercial taco seasoning.  Buy an Instant Pot through our Amazon affiliate link so we get cash!"  The reason they didn't use that title is that there would be nothing left in the body of the post.
• An Instant Pot is a pressure cooker that can also be used as a crock-pot.  There are a lot of times that a pressure cooker is a great choice.  A pressure cooker speeds up working with dried beans, lentils and rice of all types.  Pressure cookers can do amazing things with tender foods that can get gross if over cooked like shrimp and eggs.   Using a pressure cooker/crock pot to brown hamburger or ground poultry makes NO sense.   That wastes so much energy that it is insane. 

How to Make a Pour Over Mocha

• I've always found this one painful due to Sarah Maxwell's angst seeping through the post.  The post is so clearly written to list six fairly expensive items in the Maxwell's Amazon affiliate links program.  The purpose is obvious - but Sarah also seems to realize that most of her most dedicated readers don't have around $100 to drop to buy a ceramic coffee dripper, coffee bean grinder, milk frother and reusable insulated tumbler to make the perfect cup of mocha.  But she needs to drum up the income and so we have this post.

This post feels like it has multiple writers involved so I'm assuming that Teri and Sarah were involved in this classic:

The Maxwell Burrito Recipe:

• An excellent recipe to use for an open house or any other party where you invited 500 people and forgot to ask them to RSVP.   
• Let's see: 70 cups of cooked pinto beans and 15 pounds of onions with 4 cups of spices/flavorings.  I have a well-supplied kitchen but this would overwhelm every pot, pan, bowl and cup I own in the process including my boiling bath canner and pressure canner pressed into service as really big pots.
• I have to give Sarah (or whoever wrote the post) credit for detailing all the steps the family goes through.  At the same time, the process is completely crazy!  The process of cooking the mountain of beans separately from the hill of onions and the peppers simply creates more dishes to wash and more time on the blender/mixer without adding anything to the finished recipe.  
• If they were to add some cumin, garlic and oregano to the burrito mix, it would change their lives.  Just saying.  It's a magical part of burritos.

At least the Maxwell recipes require some skill at cooking.  Jill Dillard seems to be specializing in creating/remembering recipes for children too young to reach the stove. 

Cinnamon Toast:

• Like Joseph Duggar, I enjoy cinnamon toast.  Unlike his sister, I've never even thought about writing out a recipe for adding sugar and cinnamon to a buttered piece of toast.  
• Do I get credit for "Honey-flavored Breakfast Cereal" if I explain how to drizzle honey on corn flakes?

Poor Man's Pizza:

• Tortillas, pizza sauce, and cheese.  Microwave for 1 minute.  
• If this is really for a meal instead of a snack, I'd substitute bagels instead of tortillas and bake in the oven for 20 minutes.  It's amazing - but probably not cheap enough for large broke families.

Jill Dillard's secondary theme is accidently exposing how huge families need to skimp on protein to feed everyone.  After all, Cinnamon Toast has very little protein and Poor Man's Pizza is only slightly better because of the protein in the cheese.  Here are some more:

Easy Chicken and Noodles

• This is a giant pot of egg noodles and diluted cream of chicken soup.  Using cooked chopped chicken is optional.   
• She notes that her family would eat it with homemade bread (ATI teaches that the line about "Give us this day our daily bread" in the Our Father means you have to bake bread daily), a big salad and fruit.  That sounds yummy - but unless the big salad is made with lots of hard boiled eggs or beans  - this meal is really low in protein.

Cheesy Chicken and Rice Enchiladas

• The Duggars got this recipe from a family friend.  It makes 20 enchiladas out of 20 tortillas, 5 cups of cooked rice, 4 cans of cream of chicken soup, four cups of cheddar cheese and one 12.5 oz can of cooked chicken.  Each enchilada has 0.6 oz of chicken in it; a serving of meat for a child age 5 and up is supposed to be around 3 oz.  My toddler routinely eats more than 0.6oz of meat at a sitting - and he's tiny!
  

I know I'm supposed to be a dunce at cooking since I went to college - but this week we've had citrus-stuffed slow roasted chicken with green beans for dinner one night followed by chicken soup made with the back, rib, wing, neck and thigh meat from the roasted chicken combined with fire-roasted tomatoes, corn, green peppers and zucchini. 

I think I'll stick to the cooking I learned from my parents.....

Maidens of Virtue: Scrapbooking Hell

I have a confession to make.  I hate scrapbooking with a passion that I generally reserve for important matters.   My mother-in-law made one good-hearted and genuine attempt to sell me on the joys of making scrapbooks soon after I married.   She loves scrapbooking and hoped it would be something we could do together.  I made it clear that was never going to happen.   I have a hard time explaining exactly why I hate it - but let me give it a shot.

• With mild cerebral palsy, using scissors to cut little shapes out of colored papers is physically painful when the muscles in the palms of my hands cramp up and exasperating because I will have a spasm that causes the scissors to cut in the wrong place destroying the shape.  
• I like looking at photos.  I like arranging and curating descriptions for photos if needed.  Adding a bunch of doo-dabs and frills around the photo distracts from the photos themselves in my opinion.  
• Those doo-dabs and frills seem insanely expensive especially since the final project must be carefully protected from all forms of liquid or oil or light. 

I think most of these issues boil down to the fact that I arrange my home on utilitarian principles. That's my fancy way of  saying I don't like knick-knacks or purely decorative items that require more care than being hung on a wall and dusted every few months.   I add color and interest by purchasing or making visually interesting functional items.  I crocheted a three-color interlocking block patterned afghan made with 7 bold colors to add a splash of color to my beige apartment; it looked good and was warm.   I made a wall of metal hooks in our kitchen to hang pans, skillets, strainers and oddly shaped utensils; it's visually catching and freed up a lot of space in the cupboards.  The central decorative focus in bedrooms is a brightly colored or intricately patterned quilt; they are easy to swap out for guests and provide lots of warmth in an old farmhouse.

Keep this in mind as we slog through the scrapbook section; it's pretty close to my version of hell.

The scrapbook appendix starts with a nostalgic fable about how current maidens will someday show their scrapbook of purity to their grandkids:

"This is the scrapbook your mother and I made together during our Maidens of Virtue study. She was 14 and so full of questions. I felt terribly ill equipped to teach her since no one had ever taught me. As God faithfully revealed his truth to us both, I learned what it means to be a true maiden of virtue by watching God create one- your mother."

Elizabeth hugged her grandmother tightly. " Grandma!" she cried, " I want to become a maiden of virtue just like Mommy was. Do you think that's why Daddy wanted to marry her so much?"

" Yes, Elizabeth, I think your mother's purity and virtue probably had quite a bit to do with your father's interest in her." She smiled. (pg. 195)

First, I enjoy how Stacy McDonald manages to imply that Grandma was a sexual pervert; after all, Grandma had never been a "Maiden of Virtue".  (Also, I read "Maiden of Virtue" in a combination superhero-Oprah voice which makes the entire experience more pleasant.)

Second, don't marry a guy who is interested in your "purity".   That's a sign of abnormal psychology and you don't want to get into that mess.

Third, my husband's grandmother who recently passed away had been married to Opa for 66 years.  He first saw her on a boat passing under a bridge in the Netherlands.  He turned to a friend of his and asked "Hey, who's woman with the great knockers?"  (*After many detailed discussions with native Dutch speakers, the general consensus is that the closest English terms for breasts would be "tits", "knockers" or "hooters" depending on region.)  The well-endowed woman was the friend's younger sister - and Opa lost his ride home.  To this day, he swears it was worth walking 4 miles (and pissing off his friend) to find out who that lovely young woman was.   Their marriage survived living in two different countries where they didn't speak the language, four children and the problems of farm life - so I wouldn't put too much emphasis on the importance of "purity" in a marriage partner.

Virtue, on the other hand, is important - but only if it includes the virtues of patience, forbearance, courage, justice, faith (in the broader sense of believing in goals larger than self), hope and love.  If virtue is being used as a signal word for "I'm sexually inexperienced, see the third section.

Apparently, a major part of making the scrapbook of a "Maiden of Virtue" is forcing yourself to enjoy one specific style of femininity as evidenced by this strangely detailed list of ideas for page decorations:

Antique engravings or illustrations from books beautiful, feminine images cut out of old stationary, calendars, or greeting cards ( examples: flowers, babies, leaves, herbs, dresses, ladies, carriages, perfume bottles, bonnets, Victorian-style letters and graphics, teacups, teapots, baking scenes, and cottages) (pg. 197)

Yeah.  The Victorian Era - especially for middle/upper class women - is my version of hell.  I can visualize what that scrapbook page looks like and I want to consign the page to a bonfire.

What is the purpose of idolizing this anyways?  A young woman can fill a scrapbook with pictures of hoop-skirts, ball gowns and bonnets, but she's not going to spend her life wearing them especially if she's from the lower income levels of CP/QF.  I enjoy flower arranging, growing herbs and cooking - but making a scrapbook page of those things doesn't increase a girl's skill level in those areas nearly as much as actually doing those things.

Probably not allowed to make the babies look like they're getting drunk on perfume bottles that look like tiny flasks, huh?  And yet....that's what mine would have looked like.

Final note: Please don't destroy real books to make a scrapbook; that's gross and short-sighted.

The next series of projects is categorized under "Memory Making Projects" - but one of the projects feels a lot like a biography report I did in 4th-6th grade:

Memory making projects

Read a biography, or glean information from the encyclopedia or Internet about her life. Make sure you use the sources and take plenty of notes. Write down specific anecdotes or sketches from her life. Was she married? How many children did she have? Will she persecuted or murdered for her faith? What makes you think she was a Godly woman? (...)

Lady Jane Grey

Katie Luther

Corrie Ten Boom

Sarah Edwards

Susanna Wesley

Anne Bradstreet

Elizabeth Prentiss

Florence Nightingale

Your mother or grandmother

a Godly Titus 2 woman in your life (pgs. 201-202)

Good luck finding a biography, reference book or online encyclopedia on your mother, grandmother or that nice lady from your church. 

I ran quick internet searches for the other ladies - there's plenty of information on all of the women (especially if you recognize "Katie Luther" as Katharina Luther or Katharina von Bora) except Sarah Edwards.  She was the wife of Jonathan Edwards who preached "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God".  All I could scratch together on her was the fact that she was married to Edwards who was impressed by her piety and that they had eleven children.  I suppose Mrs. McDonald may view that as an adequate amount of information to scatter on a page among pictures of children playing with flowers in carriages with Gothic font - but I wouldn't send a kid off after such a scantly researched person.  Of course...she might have meant Esther Edwards Burr.  The third daughter of Jonathan and Sarah Edwards, she left behind a series of letters in a journal that describe her life and theological leanings.

I wonder if it is by design that the two women who were unmarried and childless were Ten Boom (who is about the only person on the list I would recommend a kid research because she's awesome) and Florence Nightingale.  I've got no beef with Nightingale - but I doubt McDonald has really looked into her actual life accomplishments in statistics, epidemiology, and professionalizing nursing compared to the romantic myth of "The Lady with the Lamp".

Mrs. McDonald has a thing about baths and cleanliness being next to godliness.  Enjoy this insanely detailed outline of how to make a page about the joys of bathing.

Powdered and perfumed

Create a "Powdered and Perfumed" page. Find Scripture verses pertaining to cleanliness and purity, and place them in hand-drawn "bath bubbles." Write out short statements that were meaningful to you during the section of study. Be sure to communicate why you think cleanliness is important.

Use graphics, photos, stickers, or drawings of things pertaining to the bath. Decorate further with dried lavender, rose petals, or decorative soap wrappers.

Graphic or drawing suggestions:

Old fashioned bathtub, shampoo bottles, perfume bottles, herbs, soap, towels, bubbles, bathroom, Victorian dressing down, vanity table, slippers, rubber duck, scrub brush, water faucet, clotheslines, wash bucket. (pg. 203-204)

I can see an immediate problem for me.  I do not own and do not want to own decorative soaps - or the wrappers they are sold in.    I'm sure there are ways to place decorative soap wrappers in a scrapbook tastefully, but mine would end up being crumpled messes held in place with Scotch tape.  Eventually, the wrappers would drop into the lap of unsuspecting victims like a mis-sized glitter bomb.

Earlier, Mrs. McDonald rightfully pointed out that floral material needs to be stored in waxed paper envelopes within the scrapbook.  Decorating the bath section with rose petals and lavender will both hasten the breakdown of the scrapbook from acids within the plants and attract a fascinating series of mites.  (Ask me how I know...)

The repeated descriptions of lotions, soaps and powders are making my skin itch.....

The best way to normalize a new, strange ritual is to include descriptions of a daughter pledging her heart to her father over and over and over:

A daughter's heart

Compose a poem or letter to your father describing your trust in his guidance. Let him know by your words that you are committed to remaining pure and are thankful for his protection and leadership.

You could take the idea from chapter 18 and plan to give a symbolic " heart" to your father as a gift. www.jamesavery.com has various unique and reasonably priced heart charms to choose from. Ask your mother if she is interested in contributing to your project by buying a chain or pin from which the charm can dangle. It will be a great blessing for him to have a reminder that you have willingly surrendered your "heart" to him.

Make a "kingly protector" scrapbook page. Fill it was father-daughter momentos. Include poems, letters, photos, postcards, or other reminders of your relationship. Be sure to include special photos of the giving or receiving of heart charms, promise rings, or other symbolic gifts. (pg. 204)

I laugh every time I think of the poor fathers whose daughters stumbled into EmoPure themselves who get this insane letter from their daughters.  I suspect that if I had handed that letter to my dad, either he - or more likely my mom - would have had a serious sit-down talk with me about....dunno really.....growing up?  Being an adult? Not letting fear control my life?  The creepiness of an Electra complex? 

Much to my surprise, the www.jamesavery.com site is still fully operational - but hardly what I would call affordable for most CP/QF families.  The cheapest heart charms are $30.00 each.  I also cannot find any masculine jewelry that could hold a heap of heart charms. 

How many letters can you fit on a scrapbook page?  One?  For families in which the father doesn't do long distance travel, how many letters or postcards do dads write to their kids?   Of course, mine would be decorated with scraps of theatrical lighting gels that I purloined interspaced with Canadian coins and bills. When I was a kid, I was fascinated by lighting gels - but I wasn't allowed to play with them because the oils on hands can degrade the material... so I collected the tiny scraps leftover from burnt gels from my Dad's productions.   Dad took a yearly trip to Stratford, Canada with his high school students to watch a well-done Shakespeare play.  He brought us back souvenirs - but my favorite was always the far-cooler Canadian coins.   Long live the loonies and toonies!

Courtship and marriage
 Write a short letter to God indicating your trust in him and that you are committed to remaining faithful to your future spouse (whether a husband or the Lord, if God calls you to remain unmarried). Decorate it with beautiful fonts, stickers, flowers or other embellishments, and place it in your scrapbook. Include Scripture that relates to purity, trust, faithfulness, contentment, and joy. Pray that God will guard your future husband's heart and help him to remain pure in thought and deed for you as well. Ask the Lord to bless your womb and give you children to train up for his glory.

Warning! Be careful to guard your heart against of obsessing. Remember that God is sovereign and it is possible he may call you to single maidenhood. Remember, God will not only equip and give you special grace for whatever he calls you to do, he will also give you joy in it! Therefore, be content. Ask your mother if she feels it is wise for you to do this project. If it might cause you to fall into temptation, it is better that you skip this one. (pg. 204)

Warning!  This is a bad idea.  If young women are following this advice literally, they are stuck writing a strangely divided letter that declares their trust in God who will decide if they should marry or stay single - but the girl would really appreciate it if God keeps her future husband's heart pure...and blesses her womb with kids....unless she's going to be single. 

I don't know which would be worse - coming upon this letter years later as a SAHD in her late thirties who expected to be a mother celebrating her 15th anniversary by this point or coming upon this letter as an unhappily married woman who is feeling trapped because of her large family and few job prospects.

We have one post left in this series: A series of ridiculously shallow questions on the great classic novel "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte!

Spiritual Self-Defense - Know What God Requires - Commentary One

I graduated from a small Catholic college that required all undergraduate students to take a single "theology" class during their attendance at the college.  I placed theology in quotes because the college was about respecting students' beliefs so there were a wide range of options from traditional theology classes to philosophy classes to comparative religion classes and even work-study classes that did volunteering in communities. 

I appreciated the plethora of options, but I was a Biology major with a Chemistry minor who was earning a Secondary Education teaching certificate which is essentially a second major while working part-time off-campus.   In other words, I wanted the simplest course I could take so I signed up for "Intro to Christian Spirituality"  and figured 12 years of Catholic schooling would carry me through the course without too much extra work.  I was right - but I did manage to learn some new things along the way. 

One day, the professor introduced the topic of theodicy which is a fancy term for theologians who attempt to explain why God allows evil to happen - or a related topic of why God allows bad things to happen to good people.  Bluntly, this is a loaded topic for anyone who has lost a family member so I was pretty checked out - but I'll never forget the professor's words of warning at the start.

He started by saying that theodicy is a great topic for academic arguments between theologians - but never, ever bring up any of those arguments in the real world when doing pastoral care...or just being a human. 

I wish the Botkin Sisters applied that piece of wisdom to the blog post I'm reviewing tonight. 

I am not a theologian - and no amount of training could convert me into one; my brain doesn't work like that.  With that caveat, I think that Anna Sofia and/or Elizabeth Botkin could get away with an academic, deeply researched treatise about ideal responses to sexual aggression in the Bible.  They'd need to bone up on how to support ideas from the Bible and need to show some basic understanding of the literary forms in the Bible, but the real benefit of academic research is that nearly any topic can be delved into without doing harm to other people.  Read the Bible, play "Concordance Chance", learn some ancient Hebrew, reference a few commentaries, figure out which formatting the journal wants and poof!  The Botkin Sisters can act out their fascination with the actions of women facing sexual aggression in the Bible without doing harm to any of their readers.

The second paragraph in this post shows a major flaw in their argument that the Bible has a neatly defined plan of response for women facing attackers:

As we explained in Part 1, 100% of the guilt of the abuser’s crime rests on the abuser, no matter what the victim does or doesn’t do. There is nothing a victim can do to “deserve” abuse, and if she fails to stop a crime being committed against her, it’s never “her fault.” However, while God promises that the sin of our abusers will not go unpunished (Num. 32:23, Isa. 13:11, Prov. 11:21), He has also given us specific instructions for becoming a type of woman and developing a type of strength that can make us devastating to this kind of man. But that first requires knowing how to draw the lines.

Notice that the Bible states unambiguously multiple times that sins will be punished.  The verses in Numbers, Isaiah and Proverbs - along with lots of other ones - make it clear that people may get away with sin on Earth, but God will punish sin eventually.   That's super clear - so where are the clear, clear verses that sum up God's "specific instructions" to women? 

Interesting fact: those verses don't exist.  The Bible has plenty of cases of sexual harassment and assault in it - and there's no single way that people responded.

I'm glad the Botkin Sisters have moved away from direct victim-blaming (yay!).  Notice, though, that there is still an indirect condemnation of women who don't follow the allegedly Biblical way of resisting sexual harassment and assault.  A woman versed in the Botkin Method is "devastating" to abusers.  First, what the hell does that mean?  I've worked hard over the years to be able to be intimidating as hell when I need to be - but I've never managed to devastate someone due to inappropriate behavior.  Second, women who haven't followed the Botkin Method have managed to devastate  some pretty big names in CP/QF land.  Bill Gothard and Doug Phillips both managed to lose their entire ministry thanks to women who discarded all of the Botkin Method steps - and, man, those women managed to prevent them from hurting others while also taking all of the trappings of power and fame from them.  Lastly, what does it mean for women who come away from a sexual abuse situation and feel devastated themselves?  The world has some seriously messed up people who hurt others while being strangely resistant to punishment themselves. 

Branding a family-level defense strategy as Godly is dodgy enough; don't worsen the insult by promising that the attacker will feel bad - or lose everything they value - if women follow three easy steps....

The next paragraph shows how unprepared CP/QF young women are to think.  (I was going to say "think independently" - but a few of these statements make me wonder if the girls are supposed to get rid of their brains at puberty,)

After all, are we sure what this man did was wrong? What if he’s a mature Christian who has studied his Bible and is assuring us that this is OK? What if he was in a position of authority over us – doesn’t God say we’re supposed to submit to authority? And besides, what are we going to do? Slap him? Call the police? Would telling someone else be gossip? If this gets out, how will it reflect on the church? Is that really what Jesus would do?

I discussed this idea in the last post - but people can stop actions for reasons other than morality.  My given name is Melinda.  A common nickname for Melinda is Mindy - and I shut anyone down who calls me Mindy.   There's nothing immoral about a Melinda being called Mindy - and many, many other Melindas like being called Mindy.  But this Melinda abhors being called Mindy and I have every right to expect that people call me Melinda or Mel. 

Here's another example: I am not a hugger.  I hug close family members.  I hug some friends if I haven't seen them in a long time.  I will hug people who are struggling with grief if they want a hug.  Rarely, someone who is not in one of those three categories hugs me before I have a chance to stiff-arm them.   There's nothing morally wrong with hugging someone and there's nothing wrong with me stating my categorical preference to not be hugged by people I don't want to be hugged by.

A far more important question is "Am I comfortable with what happened between me and so-and-so?"   I get it; CP/QF girls have been socialized to ignore every thought, feeling, drive, talent, ambition, whim, wish or desire that starts within them if it doesn't conform to what their father or husband wants.  I get that - but gut feelings are a quick and surprisingly accurate way to determine when someone is behaving in a potentially problematic way.

As for the rest - yikes.

Mature Christian Authorities can lie.  See Bill Gothard and Doug Phillips for details on how they did that.

The Bible is full of admonitions to obey authorities.  It's equally full of  people who defied authorities and lived in God's Blessings.  See Rebecca, Jacob/Israel, Leah, and most of Jacob's sons for details.  Want New Testament examples?  What percentage of the time does Jesus tell the Apostles to stop arguing about personal ranking and get back to work?  How many times does Paul and a companion return separately from missions?   So...I think it's a wash at best......

I don't recommend slapping as a form of defense..  It makes a lot of noise, but will anger an assailant without incapacitating them.  Think of movements that produce a lot of force like punching, stomping, head-butting or elbowing or actions that cause a lot of pain and damage to the face like scratching, eye-gouging or biting.

Call the police if someone is putting your health (including mental) or life at risk.  If you are not sure, you can always call the non-emergency line and discuss with an officer if the interaction is worth filing a police report.  (For people who are worried about "overreacting" - women are still working on getting fair treatment for sexual crimes so you don't need to worry about accidentally ruining someone's life.  The system is still tipped greatly in favor of protecting attackers over accusers - so if an officer tells you that you can make a report, do it.  That means something bad happened to you.)

Jesus.  Gossipping is the exchange of negative information about another person for the sole purpose of amusing other people.   Neither discussing an event that happened that hurt/scared/or confused you nor reporting a crime is gossip.

I'm Catholic - so let me tell you that crimes will out.  Whatever crime is potentially being covered up to "not reflect badly on the Church" will come out eventually - plus the added scandal and crime of covering a crime up.   Handling a crime that occurs within a church community by reporting the crime to the police and assisting in the investigation is much better PR than ignoring victims, moving perpetrators to different churches and creating new victims....

What would Jesus do?  Well, the Jesus in the Gospel of John is essentially the Jesus of the Synoptic Gospels written for John Wayne so I guess he'd get a posse together and ride the offender out of town.    Or shoot them.  Or tip their tables over. 

My last quote for this post makes me wonder about the Botkin Sisters sense of irony or lack thereof:

If our knowledge of the Scriptures primarily consists of some vague or misapplied concepts about forgiving, overlooking offenses, covering sin, obeying authorities, not gossiping, and having a gentle and quiet spirit, we are not ready to fight this battle.

I am drawing a complete and total blank on Scripture verses that recommend covering sin.  Oh, don't get me wrong; people try to cover sin up all_the_time especially in the refreshingly human Old Testament - but it generally ends badly.

As for the rest, well, most of humanity understands the difference between the normal rubs and wrongs of people living together and egregious offenses that threaten health and safety.

Let's look at the differences:

Forgiveness -

• Good idea: your sister "borrows" your new shirt without asking for the third time, returns it unharmed, but is genuinely contrite when she realizes you were planning on wearing it and couldn't.
• Bad idea: Bryan in the first post who responded to your distress at a previous sexual activity by telling you that you can't complain because of the way you dressed.  (Remember, run away from the Bryans of the world.)

Overlooking offenses -

• Good idea: You work with Jack, an attractive single man.  Jack says that he finds you very attractive and asks you out on a date.  You decline because you want to follow the courtship motto.  Jack is disappointed, but goes back to your previous working relationship.
• Bad idea: Same set up, but Jack asks you out the next day.  And the next.  And twice the day after that.  You start dreading coming to work because avoiding Jack is exhausting.

Obeying authorities

• Good idea: Your boss tells you that you need to put together 30 copies of the 500 page year-end report for the company - and you hate photocopying.
• Bad idea:  Your boss tells you that you need to put together 30 copies of the 500 page year-end report for the company - and you hate photocopying - but she'll assign it to someone else if you go on a date with her.

Not gossiping

• Good idea: You recognize the new youth minister.  He went to prom with your best friend 5 years ago and threw up from nerves. 
• Bad idea: You recognize the new youth minister.  He took off from your last church in another state when there were some accusations about inappropriate behavior at a weekend camping trip.  

Meek and gentle spirit

• Good idea: you are goosed at work by a three-year old.  
• Bad idea: you are goosed at work by a coworker, boss or client.

Oddly enough, the title of the Botkin Sisters' second book applies here: It's NOT That Complicated!

Mally Family rejoices in survival after neglecting basic safety:

I had lost track of the Mally family since I finished reviewing "Before You Meet Prince Charming" and decided to go visit their blog. 

Sarah Mally has written a new book for young women that teaches them to suppress all of their negative emotions or critical thoughts under the guise of following Jesus.   I'll probably review that at some point - but I prefer getting second-hand copies so it may be a while. 

Next up, Grace Mally wrote a post about how her family was in a serious single-vehicle accident during snowy weather.    Their brother Steven was driving when he lost control on an icy area.  The heavily loaded passenger van they were driving hit a post-and-cable center median barrier and went through it.   The van rolled across two lanes of oncoming traffic before stopping on the far side of the highway. 

The accident itself is pretty normal in the northern US.  Steven was trying to pass a semi-truck on the highway.  The passing lane is often less traveled and more slick than the right-hand through traffic lane.  The air flow around semi-trucks often includes areas of increased wind pressure.  A tall vehicle like a van is at higher risk for a rollover and can act like a sail in windy times. 

What really pisses me off is that Sarah, Grace and their mother were all not wearing seatbelts at the time of the accident - in spite of known bad weather and, oh yeah, the fact that seatbelts are counted as one of the most important public safety inventions of the 1900's. 

Grace ends with an asinine reflection about how people will remain safe until God decides to bring them home.   

My take is more cynical: people survive absolutely insanely dangerous life-choices pretty regularly - but I don't think God appreciates people who skip basic precautions. 

Idiots.

Preparing Sons: Chapter 10 - Part One

Welcome to Steven Maxwell's chapter in "Preparing Sons to Provide for a Single Income Family" on how to raise sons between the ages of 13 and finishing school!  I feel more competent to discuss this age-group than any of the other ones since I've spent most of my working life teaching this age group.  Personally, I enjoy working with pre-teens, teens and young adults.  They are in a period of life where they are sampling and re-assessing the world for themselves.  Often, this requires occasional moments of friction against authority figures - but those stages are important for growth.

Like the two previous chapters, the first section in this age group deals with the teenager's spiritual growth.  A large portion of the section involves teaching the teen to use the Bible like an instruction manual:

You can also use this approach to help your son  "practice" making Biblical decisions on situations he might face in the future, such as: What if your boss asked you to lie? Would it be proper for a married man to have lunch alone with a woman not his wife? What if the other woman were sales representative, and it was strictly a business lunch? What if a woman co-worker asked for help to save her marriage? Let him study God's words on these issues as part of his training and applying scripture to decision-making. Not only will that skill be developed, but he will also be equipped with a Biblical basis for facing such situations if they ever arise. This will help him to see that the Bible can be applied to discerning God's direction. (pg. 140)

Oh, Lord.  The Maxwells have a stricter version of the Pence Rule than Mike Pence does. 

Equally disturbing - why would a teenager not already know the accepted moral answers to most of these questions?  Small white lies for a boss are okay like screening calls to avoid sales representatives or helping set up a surprise retirement party.  Big lies are not a good sign and should be avoided.  Yes, business professionals have lunch with people of the other gender all the time.  That was relatively rare in education (mainly because teachers tend to go to lunch or dinner in massed clumps) but I had plenty of lunches with my male advisor without a smidgen of attraction between us.  Don't help co-workers with their marriage.  Especially important: do not help subordinates with their marriages.

The second section covers how to get the teenager into the masculine world of preaching or teaching:

If you are not aware of preaching or teaching opportunities, ask the Lord where you and your son could share publicly. Our country is full of nursing homes with residents who are hungry for someone to spend time with them. What better use of time than to share God's word with them? (...)

You can make your ministry at the nursing home a church-type service, as our family does, and include many of the children. Take turns with your son being the preacher or teacher. You share one week, and he can the next. If any of your children are learning to play an instrument, let him play while you or an older child leads the group in singing. It will be an incredible time of growth and service! (pg. 141)

Leave it to the Maxwell family to add a new terror to old age.

 A music group I was involved with in high school performed at local retirement and nursing homes.  We bought a variety of standard Christian hymns along with pop hits from the 1930's and 1940's.  The hymns were nice - but people got really into hearing the songs from when they were teens.  More importantly, we stayed afterwards and chatted and played games with the residents.

The biggest irony for me about reading this book is that the Maxwells have managed to isolate their kids even while attending "church".   By holding services at a retirement home, the Maxwell kids are kept away from pesky children, teens or adults who have different worldviews.  Elderly folk may have a different worldview from the Maxwells - but Steven's got that covered by having his kids kept busy between playing music or preaching.

All the bragging rights of attempting to convert a captive audience with none of the risks of having the kids being exposed to other people.

Now, we've covered pretty extensively how sheltered and micromanaged the Maxwell Family is.  For anyone who is unfamiliar with "Managers of Their Homes" the Maxwell Family routinely schedules every activity from rising to sleeping.  I can see the benefits of having a daily schedule especially when homeschooling a massive family - but when a 23-year old Sarah is still being scheduled right down to a slot for showering, things have gotten weird.   Based on that level of control, you might assume that Steven could rest assured that his teens were gaining plenty of character simply by living.  You'd be wrong; that's why Steven has weekly meetings with each kid aged 12 and up:

Any topic is fair game for meeting as long as it is discussed calmly, in a spirit of love. Most weeks I will ask a son how is quiet time is going, what struggles he is having, and if he's having trouble with his thoughts. If there are problems with his other siblings, these will be discussed. If there are character issues I've observed, I will bring these up. Seldom is there a negative reaction from my son as he received the concerns from a loving daddy's heart. In addition, I asked my son whether I'm doing anything that is causing him difficulty. Occasionally I will question him to areas of hypocrisy in my life to which I am blind. I absolutely love my meeting time with my children. Friend, I treasure those minutes! (pg. 142)

Goody goody gumdrops.  Not only is the Maxwell Family constrained to a life of stultifying boredom but the boredom is only broken up by the fact that Steven Maxwell is making lists of character issues and intersibling spats to drag up weekly.  At least, I hope that the sentence about siblings describes inter-sibling issues; I'd hate to think that Steven discloses character issues that his other kids are struggling with. 

I can't imagine trying to get through my teenage years without having the sanctuary of my own thoughts.  I could rage against my parents, fume about my sister and I's last spat or fantasize about my dream boyfriend without having to confess everything to a prying, controlling father.

I would be much less skeptical if Steven would elaborate in a serious manner some of the areas that he's been hypocritical - especially those areas pointed out by his sons.   First, Steve has always minimized his flaws compared to everyone else's in the universe.   Steven's habit of flying small planes was setting his family back a huge chunk of cash - but Steven weeps when service workers discuss which casinos they like.  Guess what?  Visiting a casino on a service worker's income is much less of an imposition than flying planes are for a family of 5.

Second, Steven has controlled the money, career, educational, and shelter options of his sons.  Only Nathan, Christopher and perhaps John have careers that are mostly independent of Steven - and I'm far from certain that Christopher and John are fully financially independent.  Joseph and Jesse are in a business at least partially owned by Steven.  When this book was written, only Nathan had his own house.  The other four boys lived at home.  How honest  could (or should) those sons be about any hypocrisy they see in their dad?

Next, Maxwell discusses how to promote leadership among sons.  I pulled out this quote because it reminded me of efforts by college applicants to make participating an average volunteer experience sound like the most amazing life-changing experience ever:

Each year Christopher organized the group's spelling bee. He oversaw it from beginning to end. First he had to locate and motivate the children to participate. Then, over time, he would check with the spellers to make sure they were working on their word list. He recruited judges, a pronouncer, and a refreshment coordinator and made sure that they each understood their role. He confirm the facilities were reserved and set up. Those of you who have overseen an event know there are other jobs that need to be managed as well, but you get the idea. All in all, it was an excellent chance for Christopher to lead.

Christopher, with Sarah's help, was also responsible for organizing the children's programs that were held during the parents' meeting. They had to plan every minute of the evening so that the children would spend their time productively. The goal was to teach the children material that was profitable and practical. Christopher and Sarah would recruit other young people to help. They work through the details of the evening and often had an organizational meeting. The children's programs were an excellent opportunity to practice leadership while ministering to others (pg. 143-144)

The "group" was a pre-existing homeschool support group.  Finding children to participate was as simple as sending home a flyer with the parents.  I don't know where the spelling bee was located, but we can rent a community room at the local library for free.  Reserving the room took about 10 minutes on the phone at most - and probably a lot less now if I can do it online.  Since Sarah and Christopher were already seeing the kids at the children's program,  checking in on the spellers means saying "Hey, champ!  Getting ready for the big spelling bee?"  The hardest bit would be finding judges and a pronouncer if they weren't using parents of the kids in the bee.   Personally, I'd start bothering all the English teachers I know, but I don't know how the Maxwells dealt with that.  I love the title of "refreshment coordinator"!  I'd have just set up a list of items to bring by last name of families involved in the bee and called it good. 

I hope Christopher and Sarah found other teenagers to help with every children's program - and held multiple organizational meetings for each one.  That gives me hope that they might have had a few moments of unsupervised time with peers at some point during their teenage years.

The last section of the chapter I'm going to discuss today loosely fits the idea of training a son to a vocation.

An important method to raise successful sons is to never, ever miss a chance to bring up how not following Steven Maxwell's advice lead to a business failure.   The next quote section is about Eric's Christopher's first business that failed:

Eric had his own graphic design business for two years. He loved throwing his heart into making successful. Unfortunately, he would have starved had he not been living with his parents. His father wanted to teach Eric programming, But Eric only had eyes for graphic design and wasn't interested. (pg. 17)

One excellent way to stir the desire for working is by helping your son start a business. Remember Eric? Even though he was not learning programming as his father wanted, he still benefited greatly from his startup graphics design business. By staying busy, Eric did not have the time or the desire to hang around with the guys. For 2 years, he poured his heart into making his business successful. (pg. 146)

The "best" thing about the Maxwell's belief in all children living at home prior to marriage is the financial and career control Steven Maxwell maintains.   

Nathan showed interest in computer programing and Steven Maxwell approved of that.  Steven Maxwell used his connections to help Nathan land his first external job at Maxwell's employer.

Christopher was interested in graphic design and that was not an approved choice by Steven.  Graphic design can be a hard field to get started in - especially without a college degree or work experience in the field.  Perhaps Steven tried to drum up some business for Christopher; perhaps the collapse of the aerospace engineering firm Steven worked at made that impossible.

Oddly enough, Christopher never was encouraged to go to college to get a graphic design degree. Was that because Steven Maxwell knew (at some level) that the homeschool education provided to his sons was subpar?  Graphic design might avoid the pitfalls in science and math - but the family's absolute lack of study in fictional literature would be painfully obvious in a humanities class. The existing websites created by the family show some writing quirks shared among the boys that might signal lack of experience in writing.  The Maxwell kids studied instrumental music since it was a way for the parents to show off the skills of the kids - but they received minimal visual art exposure or training. 

Apparently Joseph learned from Nathan's and Christopher's examples.  Joseph demonstrated an interest - and hopefully some talent - in programing - so his dad opened his wallet.

Leading your son towards more work and less play may mean providing him with the necessary work tools. When Joseph was 12, he was progressing well in programming, web page layout, and graphic design. Unfortunately, we did not have a computer available as often as he needed it. So we found a refurbished, brand name system that was very inexpensive, but quite powerful. Then Joseph had his "own" system and was able to spend more time on the projects that challenged him. Parents should be willing to invest financially in sons, if necessary. (pg. 146)

For reasons of honesty, the last sentence should strike "if necessary" and replace it with "to reward those who follow the family plan".   

According to the last chapter, the Maxwells had already spent at least $1,000 dollars to buy a professional copy of Delphi for Joseph - so dropping another $200-500 dollars on a solid refurbished computer system sounds like the next illogical step.   Now, a full-time course load of classes at a local community college for Christopher would run around a total of $1,300 dollars - and he'd likely qualify for financial aid or loans.  But funding a traditional college education for Christopher would reward him for disobeying Steven Maxwell's whims and possibly lead Christopher to question the Maxwell way of life so best to nip that in the bud.

The last quote is an excellent example of Maxwell's completely non-descript inspirational characters:

Billy, a sixteen-year-old, had been helping the young man who owns his own service business. Billy is not able to work full-time because of school, but with the hours he's putting in, he's gaining significant experience in this trade. By the time he graduates high school, he will know if this is something that he wants to pursue full time.

Troy chose to attend college. The vocation skills he learned during his high school years enabled him to have a high paying contract job while he attended college. If young people would concentrate on learning marketable skills at this age instead of majoring in entertainment, many would not have to borrow for college, vehicle, or house. (pg. 147-148)

I am very much in favor of vocational training especially for students who are clear on the fact that going to college sounds like hell.  I believe that the US system of education took a wrong turn when vocational training was eliminated due to a combination of cost and concerns about overly rigid tracking.   Many community colleges and unions have excellent vocational training available at reasonable rates.  On the other hand,  CP/QF families are at higher risk for being scammed by for-profit vocational training institutes that do not deliver on their promises.  The example I was aware of in my area was ITT Tech before it went bankrupt.  Male members of ATI/IBLP are at risk of being scammed through the ALERT Academy  (mainly because I don't trust any organization that offers EMT prep without disclosing the pass rate of the graduates.)

Is Billy's boss ITT Tech or the local community college?  Is he learning responsible management of hazards or is he learning shortcuts that can lead to massive fines later on?  Is Billy really learning the trade or is he getting a valuable shadowing experience while doing menial tasks?  Is Billy working on customers' jobs and is he fully qualified to do so?    I'm all about an enthusiastic 16-year old changing the oil on my car; I don't want the teen to be replacing my brakes unsupervised.

Anyone remember Troy?  Troy was the high schooler who started schlepping boxes around at a business and was promoted to archive manager within a year.  He also made a really nifty set of Excel documents to keep track of the archival materials.   Troy may have been the lucky soul who landed contract work making Excel documents while going to college - but plenty of successful college graduates I went to school with worked at local retail or restaurant establishments during college and still became lawyers, doctors and teachers.   Don't overthink it.

Well, that's it for today.  In the next post, I try and track down all of the Maxwell Family businesses.....

Maidens of Virtue: Chapter 17

Well, the chapter "Daddy's Fair Maiden" in Stacy McDonald's mother-daughter book "Maidens of Virtue" does an excellent job of portraying how creepy the idea of a father keeping his daughter's heart safe prior to marriage sounds to the rest of humanity.  Along the way, Mrs. McDonald takes swipes at non-CP/QF teenagers, offering age-appropriate Sunday Schools at churches, and the entire idea of Youth Group at churches.  Really, all this has done is make me extremely worried about any churches that hired her husband James McDonald as a pastor. 

We may as well jump in at the beginning:

Emily waited for her parents by the water fountain, the designated meeting place after Sunday school class was over. She watched the young people file out of the classroom. Many, she knew, did not claim Christ, although they came to church and Sunday school each week - a prerequisite for attending Friday night youth group. Youth Group - this was one of the seemingly many activities she wasn't allowed to join. Emily tried to shrug off growing sense of resentment. Why did her family always have to be so different?

Emily's parents had asked her if she would join them in their adult Sunday school class, so they could all learn together. She already attended the worship service with her parents, instead of sitting with the " youth kids." Emily had begged to remain in the teen Sunday school class at least until the end of the year, and her father reluctantly agreed. All the other kids at church were in age segregated classrooms -she didn't want to be different again. (pg. 155)

An important technique for creating a realistic fictional character is to map out their backstory.  An author would be well served by answering some questions about Emily like how many siblings she has, where does she fit in the family birth order and how old Emily is before launching into writing the story.   I bring this up because I have no idea why Emily is waiting for her family at a water fountain if she's old enough to be in a youth group and around people who are old enough to date.  If she has a ton of younger siblings who can't be trusted to head out to the car, that makes sense.  If not, is Emily too immature to make it to the car?

Let me get this straight: Emily's family attends an age-segregated church where they allow her to attend the teenage section under protest but won't let her go to the youth group or sit with the other teenagers at the service.  Those kind of parents tend to bring up three possible concerns for me.  First concern: the teenager is in a domestic abuse situation with one or both parents and is being isolated to prevent intervention.  Second concern: massively over controlling parents who are trying to keep their teens dependent on them.  Third concern: the teenager has such severe behavioral issues that they cannot be left alone without potentially bad outcomes. 

Has Emily's family asked anyone about if Emily (and any younger siblings) are welcome into the adult study group - or are they simply going to spring this on the facilitator/pastor? 

The parish I grew up in was relatively low on age groupings simply because it was a small parish focused on reaching Catholics who felt marginalized in "normal" parishes.  We had a much higher than average population of single parents, divorced parents, members with developmental or intellectual disabilities, and an entire group of Deaf Catholics.   In that setting, most of the classes held in the day or evenings were open to anyone who wanted to attend - usually.  The major exception was that some classes were covering topics that might be disturbing to kids, involved a long-term committment to a project, or involved people sharing life experiences like abuse or drug addiction.  Parents were assumed to steer their kids away from classes like that. 

I'd hate to be the presenter covering sexuality in marriage on the day that Emily's clueless parents trot their extremely sheltered daughter in to class....

Mrs. McDonald spends a few paragraphs making sure everyone knows that the other teenagers at Sunday School are unsaved heathens who are not worth the time to characterize.  Eventually, she drifts back to her main character:

Although Emily had many good friends, at the moment it seemed as though she didn't have a friend in the world. Confused by her intense desire to fit in, she temporarily lost sight of the wonderful family she had. For a moment she even seem to forget God. (pg. 156)

That paragraph was written to immunize the mothers reading this book against taking their daughters' heartfelt loneliness too seriously.  See, Emily isn't really lonely; she's got good friends who are so great that they don't even get names*!  Emily can't be lonely if she has a family!  Families fulfill every need a human has!  Loneliness is a sign of idolatry because if Emily is lonely she's putting humans before God!

*I described this quote to my husband.  He blinked, paused for a moment and said, "They name their girl children?  Shouldn't their names be given by their husbands?"  He paused for a moment and said, "Saying that makes me feel gross." 

Yes, my love, reading these books makes me feel gross, too.  That's why I write the blog.

She knew Brittney's dress and behavior did not honor God, yet Emily found herself drawn to her magnetic personality and even a little jealous of her sophisticated appearance.

Emily look down at the simple, pretty dress she was wearing. Her mother had made it for her last summer, and Emily had relished the time spent alone with her helping to sew on the lace trim and silk buttons. She had thought at the most beautiful dress she had ever seen and had twirled around as fast as she could to make the skirt form a circle in the air. Somehow, she now felt strange and conspicuous in her beautiful dress - maybe even a bit silly. (pg. 156)

*gasps and clutches pearls*

If Emily's behavior doesn't honor God....does that mean that works matter?  What kind of hard-core Calvinist are you! Brittney might be a member of the Elect -and won't Mrs. McDonald feel bad when she find that out later.

The second paragraph is a sweet reflection on the joys of sewing that leaves me wondering just how many siblings Brittney has.  If Brittney's an only child or youngest child at home, cherishing time alone with her mom doesn't make much sense.  If she's an oldest daughter in a massive family, it makes more sense (along with the water fountain meeting point) but makes me worried about how many kids are going to be dragged to the adult Sunday school class. 

On the sewing point: what kind of dress was Brittney wearing?  Lace trim goes into and out of fashion pretty regularly so that seemed reasonable on a teenager's church dress.  Silk buttons, though, were jarring.  I've only ever worn silk buttons on prom and wedding attire.  Maybe Mrs. McDonald meant fabric covered buttons which would have been dowdy on a teenager in the 1980's - but I think it would have been possible.  Or perhaps Mrs. McDonald knew exactly what she meant and Emily wearing a potential wedding dress to church every week to signal that she's of marriageable age....

Brittney sashayed passed Emily with an entourage of admiring boys. Emily wondered what it would be like to have boys look at her the way they looked at Brittney. She blushed as she imagined dressing in Brittney's clothes and enjoying the same attention. Emily knew Britney dated; she imagined what it to go out with a boy. Her mind continue to wonder...

Her thoughts suddenly switch to her father and how disappointed he would be with her recent thoughts. She found herself feeling ashamed and confused. (pg. 156-157)

CP/QF authors often describe teenage vignettes that I've never seen before.  I've never seen a teenage girl with such raw sexual appeal that scads of young men follow her around like ducklings to the exclusion of all other girls.   Teenagers are descended from people who managed to mate successfully.  Finding a potential mate or romantic interest is as much a numbers game as anything else.  Unless Brittney has a group of wing-women with her, guys who she's not that into will break off and find other girls.  Heck, if Emily wants the guys to notice her in her wedding dress Sunday dress, she could try talking calmly and attentively to Brittney..

Ew....

Emily feels ashamed because she thinks her father would be disappointed that she has sexual feelings.   That's a seriously messed up way to raise a kid. 

She's more than old enough to have sexual feelings and thoughts.  Emily's not done anything wrong under the vast majority of moral codes.  She's not leering or behaving in behaviors that make others uncomfortable.  She's not engaging in premarital flirtation let alone premarital sex. 

Teaching Emily to associate sexual feelings or thoughts with shame is setting her up for a hard transition to married sexuality....

Emily had felt secure and protected the day her father had taken her hands in his and promised to protect her until the day he placed her hand in that of her husband. She had agreed not to give her heart away, but instead to remain emotionally and physically pure before marriage, and trust her parents guidance through courtship instead of dating (Isaiah 62:5)

"Where's my fair maiden?" asked a strong, loving voice behind her. Emily snapped out of her reverie of discontent and faced her protector ashamed. He stood beside her mother, his admiring eyes and cheerful words reminding her of who she truly wanted to be - her father's fair maiden. (pg. 157)

Did Emily truly have the option of saying no to her father's offer of "protection" in return for accepting a courtship model of dating?  If a person can't say no, they cannot really say yes either. 

That quote from Isaiah 62 has nothing to do with courtship, emotional purity or dating.  It's describing that God rejoices in Israel in the same way that a groom rejoices in his bride. 

There is a clear, bright line between the familial affection between parents and children and the inappropriate incestuous abuse.  This story is on the moral side of the line - but, damn, it's close to that line.   My dad and mom were often proud of me and happy about how mature and grown-up I was becoming.  The word "admiring" is a bit more ambiguous since it can imply an ownership of the other person or can be used to describe appreciating someone's sexual attractiveness.  With the public testimony of the Willis family's oldest daughter that she was sexually abused by her father starting in early childhood through when she left her home, I'm very sensitive right now to readers of this book who might be in a similar situation.

Then another thought hit her. What if she were to dress and act like Brittney? Not only would she not be able to bear the disapproving gaze of her father, but what would her future husband think of her? Would he turn and run? Would he want to marry someone who behaves like a loose, silly girl? Or would he be waiting for a true maiden of honor-has her father had done? Emily glance tenderly at her mother.

In stark contrast, she turned to see Brittney hanging on a boy's arm, laughing indiscreetly. She contemplated further: if he were interested in someone like Brittney, would Emily really want to marry him- a man with no depth, no standards or wisdom, lit only by his visual, temporal pleasures? No way! (pg. 157)

Hi, Emily's mom!  I'm glad you've received a token acknowledgement of existence.  This whole story makes me wonder if post-menopausal women continue to exist in CP/QF life - or do they disappear after they can no longer reproduce?  Equally importantly, women have traditionally been in charge of teaching their daughters the sexual mores of a community.  Women also take on the majority of monitoring their daughters' adherence to the mores.  Handing that job off the to men - even the girl's father - feels inappropriate.

Notice that Mrs. McDonald is slut-shaming Brittney for being more popular with the boys than Emily.  Brittney's not done anything inappropriate so far.  She's touched a guy's arm while flirting and laughed loudly.   That's normal operating procedure for Midwestern/Great Lakes teens.  In terms of wisdom, Brittney's not spent the last few minutes obsessing over what her father thinks of her budding sexuality so I'm giving the wisdom badge to Brittney.

So...Emily wants to marry someone as judgmental towards others as she is and expects him to be as confused and conflicted about sexuality as she is.  Cool.  That sounds like a match made in heaven.  *shudders*

The story wraps up with Emily giving her dad a hug followed by a completely far-fetched change of heart by Brittney:

Emily didn't notice, but Brittney had caught sight of the precious father -daughter embrace, and a curious pang of longing struck her heart. What was it like to be loved and protected the way this young girl was loved and protected? How much does it feel to be so confident of God's love that you didn't have to beg for the wrong kind of attention by stooping to flirtatious stunts? Emily was one of the only girls at church who appear different to Brittney.

[...]

Brittney had met many Christians at this church, but she hadn't met anyone who seemed to be so much different than anyone else you knew. Maybe Emily and her family were really different - maybe they had some answers. She decided to ask. (pg. 158)

Yes!  Go have dinner with Emily's family.  That will end well.   Emily is smouldering with barely repressed jealousy towards Brittney who she's pre-judged to be a whore.  Emily is transferring all of her budding sexual energy into her relationship with her dad.  I'm sure Emily's mother is totally ok with all this energy between her husband and daughter. 

In real life, teenagers will pick a budding romantic relationship with a peer over a healthy hug between a random father and daughter.  Thank God for that - it will keep Brittney away from this crazy family.

Preparing Sons: Chapter Nine - Part Two

This chapter from Steven Maxwell's "Preparing Sons to Provide for a Single Income Family" discusses how to raise 7-12 year old boys.  A previous post covered the sections on spirituality, vision, and teaching kids to work hard.   The next section covers the importance of having kids do chores.  Maxwell and I agree in broad strokes - kids reap a lot of benefits to doing age-appropriate chores.  Keeping a home running is a lot of work and it's fair for kids to help out with that work.  Chores involve using a lot of gross muscle, fine muscle and cognitive skills so learning to do chores helps develop new skills for little ones.   I'm less than impressed with one of Maxwell's rationales:

One of the many benefits of chores is that our children will appreciate how much work it is to keep house. We do not want to be guilty of raising a son who takes the work his wife does for granted. He should know how to help his wife with household chores in addition to being grateful for all she does. (pg. 125)

My first issue is that this paragraph normalizes the Maxwell ideal of all offspring living at home until they are married.  The reality is that most men and women live as single adults at some point during their lives.  Most men and women live as single adults if they become financially independent prior to marriage - and all marriage.

My second issue is the normalization of expecting a wife to do all the household chores as an ideal situation.   My husband and I agree - as my parents did - that raising children (with all the associated tasks) is more than enough of a full-time job for a stay-at-home mother. Most couples split up the rest of the household chores between them.   I do the majority of the daily chores around the house right now, but my husband does a lot of the care for our son when he's home in the morning and evening.  Maxwell's description of a husband "helping" his wife makes the husband sound like an eager, but relatively unskilled elementary school kid rather than an adult.

From chores, Maxwell moves into the idea of having kids help out on projects. Personally, my family has treated projects as a one-time or recurring large chore.   Everyone was expected to help out to the best of their ability to get the work done quickly and well.    The first anecdote in the section is supposed to inspire readers about what their kids can do when all extraneous "fun" activities are removed from their lives.  I was not inspired; I was horrified:

When Joseph was seven years old and John was five, they asked if they could landscape the front of  the house. The job involved digging up sod in the heat of summer. After some persistence on their part, I agreed to give them the project. I was concerned about the shovels and tools they would be using so I presented them with some rules aimed at protecting them from injury. Every day, out those two little boys would go with their shovels, digging and sweating. I helped them at times, but it was their project. For the final steps, we worked together putting the black weed preventer down and then planting the bushes. I cannot imagine a trophy on a shelf meaning more to me than that landscaping! (pg. 126)

I like gardening and was trained as an under-gardener by both my mother and father.  Age-appropriate chores for a 5-7 year old kid include transplanting small annuals, watering plants, deadheading flowers, harvesting vegetables and raking leaves.   Kids that young should not be breaking sod!  I started breaking sod at around age 12.  At that age, I was tall enough to use an adult shovel, heavy enough that my body weight would drive the point through the sod, and strong enough to flip the broken sod onto a tarp to dry.   I'm pretty sure that if I had tried to break sod at age 5, I would have stepped on the shovel, had the point barely break the surface, and fallen over when I lost my balance.  I know that that happened when my dad finally gave in my pleas to let me help him break sod when I was 7 or 8.

I hope one of the safety concerns Maxwell was keeping an eye on was heat-stroke!  I live in Michigan where July and August temperatures are between 80-90 degrees F with 90% humidity or more.  Based on my memories of watching the Weather Channel as a kid, Kansas is like Michigan but 10 degrees warmer.   Overheating while doing vigorous exertion happens frequently out here and parents keep a close eye on their young kids who are playing outside.

The arborist in me is cringing at the idea of planting bushes mid-summer surrounded by black plastic mulch.   If Maxwell is going to let his kids do projects that are too advanced for their age, he should at least teach them the correct times of year to transplant trees and bushes.  Transplantation is very stressful for trees and bushes.  To minimize stress on the plant, most people transplant woody plants in early spring or late fall.   The plants are usually in a dormant period which can tolerate stress better and the mild temperatures do not stress the plants.   If someone has to transplant in mid-summer, the best bet is to add a heavy layer of mulch to cool the nearby soil (and cool the microclimate by the tree if at all possible).     We had to transplant a half-grown Japanese maple in the middle of the summer a few years ago.   I made sure to deeply water the tree twice a week because we live in an extremely windy exposure that causes soil to dry out rapidly.  I would also run a sprinkler on sections of the lawn nearby in the mid-afternoon when the temperature was hot and the tree was in the sun to cool the area around the tree.

After that rousing story, Maxwell explains his philosophy on having his kids learn new skills:

Don't begin by trying to decide if your son has the skills for the job. If you approach training your son that way, he will seldom be qualified for anything. In our home the rule is: " If you haven't done something before, or think it is impossible, then we will give you a little more time to do it." Set high goals and learning expectations for your children.

How many of us adults have been required to do something that you have not done before? I'm confident everyone has had this experience. It's part of life, isn't it? Therefore, why not get your children accustomed to doing projects that they have never done before? When I asked my child to undertake a new task, I will facilitate him slightly. I want to see him thinking about how he will tackle the job and what he may need to learn before he can begin. He will need to be able to do whatever research is required. There is no reason for a son to be spoon-fed unless you were planning on being by his side when he is providing for his family. If you want a son who is an independent adult, he must learn how to learn on his own and be willing to tackle unknown projects when necessary. (pg. 127)

I know I keep saying this - but this section is written for elementary school kids, not high school students!  Many of the kids in this age-group will be missing the thinking skills needed to plan out the details of a project that they have never done before because of their developmental age.   For kids who are developmentally ready to make a plan, remember that they have relatively little life experience.  Many activities that are simple to an adult are completely mind-boggling to an elementary student. 

I don't like telling kids that they have to do a project even if they think the project is impossible to complete.  The kid has a reason for thinking that a project is impossible.  The least I can do is listen to the kid to find out why they think the project is impossible.  In my experience, kids think something is impossible when they misunderstand what needs to be done so all I need to do is clarify the project.  On the other hand, the kid might see something that I don't that makes the project impossible.

Oh, the last few sentences made me laugh.  Maxwell has eight kids.  Of those eight kids, only Nathan has a documented history of working outside of the family business away from Steven.  Nathan eventually returned to Communication Concepts, INC which was started by Steven and appears to be running it now.  Christopher and Joseph have started similar computer-based businesses.  John has an agricultural business that might not be viable along with selling homes as a realtor; if someone can show that he's sold a house, that would be a second kid working independently.  The youngest son Jesse is working at Joseph's business.  Sarah's been running Titus 2 Ministries since she was in high school - although it takes some careful reading of the "Managers of Their ....." books to put it together.  Anna is working as a customer-service representative for Nathan's business.  I have no idea what Mary's doing outside of being a mother's helper for her three sisters-in-law who have children.

If you are able to ensure your children safety, give them tools. Real tools make great gifts, and if they are good quality, you are building a tool chest your son will need in the future.

[...]

Teri and I like to give our sons tools on special, gift-giving occasions. The tools we choose usually have lifetime warranties so we know they're built to last. If the tool ever breaks, it can be exchanged. Screwdrivers, pliers, sockets, and wrenches are all great gifts. How thrilling to a little boy's heart to help Daddy with home repairs using his own tools! As always, it is critical that great caution be exercised to be sure the tools are used safely. I have my sons keep their tools away until Dad is available to work with them. (pg. 127-128)

I like tools.  I like the idea buying tools for gifts - but starting in elementary school is a bit young.   The tools that a kid can use most effectively are not the same size or weight as a tool that an adult can use the best.   Plus, getting lifetime warranted tools for each son in a CP/QF family is going to get expensive in a hurry.     A cheaper option would be to buy a variety of sized tools divided into "kids", "teens" and "adults" sets so that family members can choose the equipment that works best for them. 
As always, I think that girls would benefit from having a tool set as well.  Steven Maxwell likes using his kids as workers on home-construction projects.  Perhaps the girls would like to do something besides digging ditches, moving random material and painting.

Steven moves from tools into allowances (which he's in favor of; that's a third thing we agree on) to schooling in a mildly disconcerting way.   Most of the section on education is a long discussion of why education doesn't have to be fun because life isn't always fun.  He's not going to get any disagreement from me on that point - but I do try and make education appealing by interspersing independent work like reading or writing with short group activities or hands-on projects. 

We've covered that Steven Maxwell and his kids have benefited from Maxwell's college education - but I'm not sure that Maxwell understands that benefit.  He's got a strangely cavalier attitude to teaching kids academic subjects.

Obviously, the education he receives from his schooling is vital to him having marketable skills. Frequently these days, we hear news reports on the high number of high school graduates who are illiterate. Illiteracy will certainly limit a man's potential for earning a livable wage. You want a son who is comfortable with reading, spelling, writing, and math skills. In addition, you would like for him to have a basic knowledge of many other disciplines such as History, Science, Health, art, music, government, and economics. You have many years to instill this fundamental information into your sons, but don't lose sight of the fact that school is necessary part of preparing a son. (pg. 129)

I'll write up a separate post some day about the Maxwell homeschool education - but I promise that it is underwhelming.  He didn't forget to include English/Language Arts; the Maxwells don't study it at all.  The highest math level the family has finished is Algebra II - but they take Algebra II immediately after Algebra I without a separate Geometry class.   The kids only take one year of high school science which is a very basic physical science class.  I'd forgive a weak STEM curriculum if the family compensated with an intensive humanities curriculum - but they don't study art, music, any form of fiction/poetry or foreign languages with the level of intensity that would be expected by high school.

That last sentence is a bit terrifying since the Maxwells are taking 12 years to teach a curriculum that is equivalent in most subjects to an 8th grade curriculum.  (I'll give them 10th grade in math - but they are at 3rd or 4th grade in English/Language Arts....yikes.)

If it is obvious your son already has a bent and leading from the Lord towards a particular vocation, you can also begin at this age to allow some school time for him to pursue the appropriate studies in that direction. Not only does this begin his education specifically applicable for his future, it also helps discern whether this is really a viable career direction for him. Even if you don't have an indication of your son's future work, you can use school time to help you towards this discernment. For example, schedule computer time. Does he like it? Does he have an aptitude for it? What about shop time? Can he build a project? Does he enjoy working with his hands? Perhaps you will plan a foreign language into your son school day. Does he have a natural ability to learn a foreign language? Is it exciting for him? (pg 131)

Um...yeah.  Look, it's great if a kid shows some aptitude for a career at age 7 or 8 - but that's way too young to start slotting kids into academic or vocational tracks.   I highly doubt that the posters we made in third grade about the careers we wanted to pursue as adults have a strong correlation to what people are actually doing now.

The Maxwells have a relatively small number of kids spaced over a long period of time. This meant that Teri Maxwell generally only had 2 kids who needed a lot of attention from her as a teacher.  The rest were either graduated, old enough to work independently or preschoolers.  That makes adapting curriculum for computer time, woodworking time or a foreign language possible for his parents.

How does that work in the Duggar or Bates family?  At least those two families have cash from their TV shows.  How about the Rodrigues family when they were traveling and living in an RV with 13 children?  How about the Pearl family when they were living Tennessee and had no money for food?

Let's be honest: the Maxwell family is in an entirely different economic sphere than the average CP/QF family.  Need more proof?  Check out this last quote:

When Joseph was 10 years old, we purchased the professional version of Delphi for him. It is an extremely powerful computer programming language. He spent many of his "free" hours learning to program. He had no other instruction than what he could dig out of the books we had. He still has a long way to go, but he has learned a tremendous amount already. (pg. 132)

Maxwell is right; Delphi is a very powerful computer programing language.  What he doesn't mention is that the Maxwell Family dropped at least $1,000 to purchase that.   Joseph also benefited from the fact that the Maxwell Family apparently had books on using Delphi to program laying around the house.  That's not a given in most families. 

Either the Maxwell Family has way more disposable income than my family ever did - or Steven Maxwell is being loosey-goosey with language again.  I learned how to use a lot of programs by working on my dad's computer at school.  I didn't own a copy of a program - but I used a copy outside of working hours to type papers or crunch data.   Similarly, purchasing a copy of Delphi for Communication Concepts, INC would make sense if that was when Nathan, Christopher and Steven were pivoting from selling copying services and internet forms to providing internet security features.  Letting Joseph use their Delphi program outside of company hours would let him build skills in programing without dropping an insane amount of money in case a 4th grader had latent programing skills. 

I know which scenario I'm putting my money on.

The rest of the chapter is filler on not letting kids watch TV, go on the Web unsupervised or letting kids play with evil toys.  I wish he had been more descriptive about the evil toys; I'm not sure if he's talking about not letting kids run around with weapons and Ouija boards - or if he's certain that giving kids a Disney character toy that came in a Happy Meal will doom their souls to hell.

I know which scenario I'm putting my money on.