Making Great Conversationalists: Chapter 11 - Part One

I apologize for the sporadic posting recently.   Life is good - and rather busy right now.   Because of the severe teacher shortage in my state, I've been subbing 4 days a week on top of multiple-medical appointments Tuesday with my son. 

Honestly, the added income has been nice. I know in CP/QF land the fact that I'm working outside of the house while my husband looks for more steady employment is supposed to end in affairs, divorce, wayward children and the complete collapse of Western Civilization - but this seems to be a tenable and fairly pleasant situation for us.   My husband misses having a consistent job - but I think he'll be settled into a new industry pretty soon.  I find working out of the house to be invigorating and allows me to enjoy the time I spend with my son more.  My husband is really good with our son - and he and Spawn are getting even closer as my husband is the primary caregiver more of the time than I am.

 My son is doing well across the board. Weekly PT has greatly increased his torso strength and I suspect he'll be walking independently in 3-6 months. His current goal is to get his physical therapist to admit that she's really a demon sent to torment him - which is deeply ironic since she'd go to the gates of Hell and back for him.  Toddlers may not be the best at judging people.   ( :-P )   He'll be having eye surgery in early December.  Patching and glasses have corrected his lazy eye a bit - but not enough, so his opthamologist will be performing outpatient eye surgery to loosen a muscle in each eye to correct his vision.   I'm amazed what a difference nearly 2 years makes; if he had needed surgery when he was tiny, I would have been a nervous wreck.  As the mother of a robust, thriving toddler, my main concern is that applying "eye ointment" for a week after the surgery sounds....gooey.  (I think my actual words were "Man, that's a skill I was hoping to wait for the next kid for.")

And then our house was hit by the plague.  There is some evil, evil cold going around that hit my husband hard and had me laid up for the better part of a week.  The little guy, however, seems to be getting over his bout with it in good time so we are very, very grateful for that.

And then I realized that I managed to erase the few thousand words of transcription I had done for the blog before the plague hit.   Turns out that while my transcription software is good there is no software good enough to handle Michigander accent complicated by stuffed-up nose.   Today is the first day my transcription equipment was reasonably accurate so I can start blogging again!  Hurray!

More good news: The end of this book rapidly approaches!

Chapter 11 of Steven and Teri Maxwell's work "Making Great Conversationalists" has a title of some kind - but it should be titled "How to Lose Friends and Isolate Yourself through Evangelizing Badly".   Here's the very beginning of the chapter where little Thomas approaches his grandmother with CP/QF created fear:

"Why, Thomas, you are way too young to be worried about anything. What is bothering you?" Grandma asks.

"I have been thinking about how Jesus saved me last month. I was so excited when I prayed and asked Jesus forgiveness and accepted him as my savior. I have Jesus living in my heart now. I haven't heard you talk about Jesus saving you, though. I am worried that you don't have Jesus as your savior and that you won't go to heaven when you die but will go to hell! Jesus died on the cross for our sins. I love you so much, and it scares me to think of you not being in heaven with daddy, mommy, Christie, and me. Grandma, are you saved?" (pg. 177)

Thomas should be doing normal little kid things like convincing Grandma that an extra chocolate chip cookie is critical for his optimal growth or trying to pet Grandma's ancient, ornery cat.   Being terrified that Grandma isn't going to be in heaven when she dies isn't normal.  It's certainly not healthy for Thomas.

This kind of fear-mongering-meets-childish-pleas-for-others-salvation places the adult in a super-uncomfortable situation.  What is Grandma supposed to do?  If Thomas was an adult, I'd pull out the Bible and read through Matthew 25:31-46 which is the Parable of the Sheep and the Goats.  Once we've read that, I'd point out that on Judgement Day God seems to put no stock in how often a person talked about having Jesus in their heart but relied on whether they helped other people.  Because of that, I don't talk much about having Jesus in my heart but instead work on helping others.   Thomas, though, is a kid.  Am I supposed to tell him that his parents have mangled the Gospels beyond all understanding and are using him as a form of emotional manipulation? Am I supposed to flip the emotional manipulation around and ask him how he feels about the fact that I doubt his Mommy and Daddy are going to heaven - but there might be time to save Thomas and Christie if they get to work now?    See, I feel queasy and slimy at the idea of doing that - but the Maxwells encourage their followers to do the same things with their children.

I wonder how much of the "success" of cold-calling evangelical techniques is due to the fact that most people are far too polite to tell their neighbors or random strangers that their sudden impulse to "share the Gospel" is as obnoxious as if I tried to convince the Maxwells that they need to start watching Star Trek - right now!

 Here's a great example of why neighbors in Maxwell-land learn that no good deed goes unpunished:

When John was 14, we had a neighbor who was unsaved. The neighbor was retired school teacher who asked John to help him troubleshoot a problem with his lawn mower. While they were working, they talked. John was able to lead the discussion to spiritual things and eventually present the whole plan of Salvation. The neighbor rejected what John told him, preferring to remain agnostic, but he John knows he did with the Lord wanted him to do. (pg. 178)

The Maxwells are so oblivious to other people that it makes my eyes water.

Why did the retired school teacher ask John to troubleshoot a problem on his lawnmower? 

Teachers know people in the community and finding someone to fix a lawnmower is not hard so if the retired schoolteacher asked John to help him, we can safely assume there is a better reason than that the best choice was the local 14-year old.

 Most, if not all, of the Maxwell boys had lawn mowing businesses during their teenage-years; the Maxwells include daily schedules for Joseph and John with "mowing" time in "Managers of the Homes" and "Managers of their School".   Asking the neighbor's teenage kid to "help" you fix an issue you are pretty sure you know how to fix on a lawnmower would be a nice way to give them some more business while showing the kid a new skill.  Plus, teachers like to teach so an afternoon or two with a teenager fixing a mower is likely to be fun for the retired teacher as well.

How do the Maxwells repay him for this kind - and rather sweet - act?  They remind John that the guy is an agnostic and have John try one of the Maxwell traps to convince people that they should be saved. 

Ironically, as a retired teacher, I'm sure the Maxwell's neighbor has been a mark for salvation attempts before.   I had well-meaning students try and save me in alternative-ed so I'm assuming it happened to this guy, too.  Personally, I fell back on a very dry, detailed and dull explanation of the separation of church and state and how I choose to keep my religion (if any) out of the classroom to prevent undue influence on minor students.  The important part is to keep talking about minutia until the teen's eyes glaze over just a bit before changing the subject to the next task at hand.

In the next post, we'll see how the Maxwells think "The Good Person Test" and "Roman's Road" should be used - and yet they have no examples of anyone being converted by either test.

Making Great Conversationalists: Chapter One - Part Two

Before my son was born, I was a slightly-above average user of the medical system in the US.  I got an annual physical and a few same day appointments for rashes or various minor ailments that I was a bit concerned about.  Additionally, I'd need 2-3 urgent care visits for asthma, injuries or rashes that seemed to be going systematic.  (I'm a 21st level Eczema Goddess.)  About once every 5 years, one of my legs goes wonky and I return to physical therapy for a few weeks to a few months.

Since Jack's been born, I've become a medical appointment guru.  I've met so many specialists, generalists and therapists that I have difficulty listing them all.   Because of this, I feel plenty confident to discuss Steven and Teri Maxwell's odd take on "Making Great Conversationalists" at medical appointments.  Let's jump into the first "typical" example:

You are missing work to take your 14 year old son, Gerald, to a doctor because of a stomach ache he has had for the last week. You and he have been waiting in silence for 20 minutes, and now the doctor comes into the examination room.

" Hi, Gerald, my name is Dr. Grote. What can I do for you today?"

Gerald looks at you as if you were going to answer, but you nod so Gerald says, "Well, my stomach hurts."

" How long has it bothered you?" Doctor Grote queries.

" Well, I'm not sure, you know, ah, it's been a while," Gerald manages.

" It's a week yesterday, Doc," you add.

" Show me where it hurts and describe the pain."

" Right here, and it really hurts. You know?" Your son shows the doctor where it hurts.

" Would you describe it as sharp, aching, cramping, or throbbing pain?"

" Oh, maybe, no, let's see. I guess I'd say sharp," Gerald half mutters.

"Did it start quickly or gradually?"

" I don't know for sure." At this point, you are wondering what Doctor Grote thinks of your parenting skills when your teenager can't respond to him any better than this.(pg. 11)

Similarly to my critique of Cynthia's parent, the only person who is behaving neurotically in this sketch is Gerald's dad.  Personally, I foresaw that having children would mean taking them to a doctor from time to time - especially since minors need permission from a parent or guardian to receive most forms of medical treatment.  Similarly, if my spouse and I had more than one kid and both of us worked, fitting medical appointments into working schedules would require that the primary breadwinner would take time off every now and again for kids' medical appointments.  I feel like the queen of obvious for stating this - but parenthood brings mostly responsibilities and a handful of rights.  I know this - so why doesn't Steven Maxwell, the father of eight children?  His implication that Gerald's father has been greatly inconvenienced by taking his son for a needed medical appointment irritates the hell out of me.

Speaking of inconveniences - why is Gerald required to amuse his dad with conversation while Gerald's dealing with a long-term stomach ache? If I was nervous before a doctor's appointment, I tended to talk nonstop.  If I was actively feeling sick, on the other hand, I curled up into the most comfortable chair and tried to sleep until the medical assistant or doctor came in.   As I was typing this, I realized I'd never really thought of the amount of conversation I had when I was a waiting patient in a medical office.  My parents and spouse never seemed to care if I wanted to talk the entire time or attempt to sleep; they were fine either way.  This boggled my mind for a full minute before I remembered the obvious - none of us pride ourselves on being cut off from popular media.  If the sick person wanted to sleep, their driver would pull out a book, grab a magazine from the rack, enjoy the antics of healthy young children playing or watch the TV that was on.   There was no reason for the driver to be beholden on the sick person for entertainment (and expecting the sick person to do so would be viewed as childish, selfish or simply crass in my family.)

I am disturbed by the fact that a teenager still defers to his father before responding to a direct address from a doctor.  I went through a phase when I didn't know if doctors wanted to hear from me or my mom.  I was between the ages of 8-10 years old.   By the time I was a teenager, my parents had long convinced me that if the doctor addressed me that meant the doctor wanted to hear from me - not them.  Since married women don't work outside the home in CP/QF land, the parent accompanying Gerald can be assumed to be his father - and we can also assume that Dad hasn't been around 24/7 for the last week.    That's why I find Gerald's father's interruption to explain that Gerald's been sick for a week to be odd.   Gerald might have been sick for a week - or Gerald might have realized that he's been dealing with less severe, but similar symptoms for two weeks or two months.  That's why it's best to let the patient answer the question.  I've added additional information before when my husband (or parent) has been ill enough that I'm worried they missed part of the doctor's question - but that's pretty rare.

I highly doubt Dr. Grote has questioned the parenting skills of Gerald's father since Gerald's not showing any signs of abuse or neglect and Gerald is acting like a perfectly normal teenage patient.   Doctors know that patients come in a wide range of ability when it comes to describing symptoms.  It is so normal for the average patient to not know the answer to all of the doctor's questions - and doctors can make reasonable estimates of the answer sometimes.  For example, the fact that Gerald doesn't remember the sudden onset of severe, stabbing pain in a localized spot in his abdomen makes a decent case to assume the pain came on gradually.   I'm sure doctors like it when they can figure out most of the medical clues from the discussion with the patient - but the doctor also uses a physical exam as well as blood tests to confirm the doctor's diagnosis.

My final two cents - Gerald's dad is more worried about what the doctor thinks about the dad as a father than he is that his son has been having sharp abdominal pains for a week.  That's seriously messed up. 

Let's look at the "ideal" conversation:

Let's look at how the interaction could go if Gerald has learned how to talk to others, answer questions, provide information, and carry on a conversation.

" Dad, I sure hope Dr. Grote will give me something for the stomachache. I really don't want to miss choir practice tomorrow night. I already missed last week's practice."

" Son, I hope so too. What songs are you learning in choir right now?"

Your father and son conversation goes on for the 20-minute wait, and then Dr. Grote enters the room.

" Hi, Gerald, my name is Dr. Grote. What can I do for you today?"

" Well, sir, I've had this sharp pain in my stomach for the last week."

Dr. Grote nods and asks, "Why don't you lay back on the table here and point to where exactly it is hurting?"

" It's right here. It hurts the worst for about an hour after I eat. Then it is better, but it never really goes away. I have tried taking TUMS for it, but that hasn't helped. My mom thought I should try the BRAT diet which was bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. I did that for two days, but there wasn't any difference."

Gerald's interaction with Dr. Grote is one with which you could be pleased. He answers questions, gives extra useful information, and is easy to understand. The time before the doctor came into the room was profitable fellowship between you and your son. (pgs 11-12)

See, Maxwell likes the second situation much more because the father gets entertained for 20 minutes followed by having his son perform well for the doctor.   Ironically, the conversation between the doctor and son has revealed less information in the second conversation than the first one.  In the first conversation, the doctor learns the place and severity of the pain, the fact that the pain has been around for at least a week, but possibly longer and that the pain came on gradually.     In the second conversation, the doctor has learned the position, severity of pain and length of time the pain has been present - but the implication changed so that the pain started clearly one week ago and nothing has been said about if it was gradual or sudden. 

  Now, Gerald offered a whole bunch of information about his eating habits and the effect on the pain - but not all abdominal pain is related to food.   I have this mental image of Gerald pointing at an area of his lower abdomen that could be related to things like his bladder, appendix or prostate while reciting how his family has been trying to treat that using the BRAT diet and TUMS.  (Added bonus that Gerald is a boy; a similar spot in a girl could be one of a dozen issues with the reproductive system.)

Throughout this book, the Maxwells include tidbits that show incidentally how isolated they've become from interacting with other human beings.  The example here is that Gerald feels compelled to explain the BRAT diet to his pediatrician or family practitioner.  Trust me; Dr. Grote knows what the BRAT diet is.  Dr. Grote is more than capable of explaining why the BRAT diet works well at quelling certain gastrointestinal issues - and why the BRAT diet will make other issues worse.  If Dr. Grote works in a diverse practice, he knows how to adapt the BRAT diet for recent immigrants who don't regularly eat applesauce or toast.    I remember my mom explaining the BRAT diet to me when I was a teenager in terms of teaching me a form of good self-care when recovering from a stomach bug.  The diet made a lot of sense to me - and I assumed that most - if not all - adults knew the rough outline of the BRAT diet. 

I hope you enjoyed this section as much as I did - the best is yet to come!  The next post is on when your son calls the father of the girl he's sweet on to ask permission to court. 

Making Great Conversationalists: Preface and Chapter One - Part One

I'm sorry for dropping off the blogosphere for a week.  My little guy had a bunch of medical appointments while working on erupting his canines.  His left eye has been deviating inward especially when he was tired so he needed a few extra tests to figure out how much deviation there was.  Long story short: he's getting glasses next week along with patching his right eye for one hour every day.  Let me tell you: young todders adore having a dark, sticky patch stuck over their eye!  It's a great excuse to show his newest skill - temper tantrums.   Thankfully, we still had some really awesome toys (read: noisy electronic toys for toddlers) that I had stashed away after Christmas.  Having some "new" toys to play with while having his patch on makes it easier. 

Little Guy has also learned how to pull himself up on furniture and people.  I'm glad he hit that milestone - but he's having to re-learn how depth perception works while standing.  He's a fast little guy, so he's taken a few spectacular falls already.  I'm fighting the urge to make suits of clothing out of bubble wrap for him - or at least a helmet whenever he's out of his crib.

Magically, he took a three-hour nap today - and I used the time to start transcribing the hillarous crazy-land that is "Making Great Conversationalists" by Steven and Teri Maxwell.   I knew that this book was totally worth the $3.00 or so I paid for it from a second-hand book seller when I read the the first two sentences in the book:

This book was conceived after many discussions our family had in the past ten years about the difficulty of having meaningful conversations with others. We realized this was because of a lack of conversation skills on the part of others. (pg. 7)

Man, those two sentences crack me up every time! 

The level of insularity and hubris blows my mind - and the author is completely unaware of either.   Taking the sentences at face value, eight adults spend ten years trying to figure out why talking with people outside of their family-cult is hard and their final conclusion is that the problem lies with the other people.     Additionally, the family think-tank realizes that although they cannot hold a satisfying conversation with outsiders the family does have the skills to write a book to teach outsiders how to hold good conversations....

Remember, the main issue talking with a member of the Maxwell family is that the family has reached an insane level of sheltering where they do not watch TV, movies, or theater, do not read fiction, do not follow professional sports, do not participate in team sports, and don't do any outdoor recreational activities besides hiking as a family.  They do semi-CrossFit-like home exercises, run, drink coffee, bother random service workers about their salvation status and author random books. 

The rest of the preface of the book is the same rah-rah self-help spiel as every preface written in CP/QF land - so I'll spare you the boredom. 

 The first chapter walks the reader through four "typical" conversations followed by four "improved" conversations that are within reach for families who use this book.  Personally, the "typical" conversations often don't teach the lesson the Maxwell authors want the readers to learn.    Let's look at the first scenario involving a mother, her 5-year-old, and a non-threatening stranger.

Have you ever taken a child to the grocery store and had this experience? A pleasant Grandma looks at your five-year-old and tries to engage her in a conversation.

" Hello, sweetie. Those pigtails are just too cute. What's your name?"

Your child looks down at the floor and says nothing while you feel like melting into the floor yourself. However, you cheerfully attempt to prompt your child to answer.

" Tell the nice lady your name, honey."

No response. "Mommy said to tell her your name!"

Still no response so you continue to press. " You need to tell the lady your name!" By this point the grandma is looking decidedly embarrassed and obviously wishing she had not asked the little girl her name. (pgs. 9-10)

At this point, there are two people who are acting appropriately for their age and the situation - and one person who is acting like a crazed martinet.    Five-year-old Cynthia is acting like a standard kindergartener who is nervous about being expected to talk to a stranger.   Cynthia's mom, on the other hand, is throwing a hissy fit at her kid because the kid isn't performing on demand.   The kindly Grandma is probably feeling horrible that she's caused the crazy lady in front of her to lose it; after all, nice grandmotherly-types have had decades of experience with nervous children who are afraid to talk to strangers.

Personally, I was a shy chatterbox.  If I didn't know a person - or was expected to strike up a conversation unexpectedly - I would be frightened and tongue-tied at first.   My parents handled the situation by waiting a short time to see if I would respond and if I didn't would gently answer the question while chatting with the person.  This would buy me some time to "warm up" to the person - at which point I became a torrent of random chatter.

The weirdest bit of the conversation so far is the fact that Cynthia's mother has turned this into an entire power-play battle for control.   She's acting like Cynthia's health or well-being is threatened because Cynthia doesn't want to talk to a random stranger.   It's not.  Hell, it's not even a sign that Cynthia doesn't understand social cues because she's five!

Finally, your daughter mutters under her breath, " Cynthia."

" What was that, my dear? I am sorry. I couldn't understand you," the grandma replies.

So you try again." Speak up louder, and say your name clearly."

Again Cynthia says her name but still not so the lady can understand. You finally step in and tell her Cynthia's name. (pg. 10)

I don't believe for a second that Grandma would have any response to the kid other than "What a nice name!" even if the kid was completely inaudible.   Seriously - don't give the crazy lady another reason to start pressuring her kindergartener. 

Side note: the name Cynthia is one heck of a mouthful for a kindergartener.  Expecting her to say her name clearly might be beyond her speech capacities.  I say this as a fellow person with a tricky first name; most kids pronounce my first name "Melinda" as "Ma-WIN-da" in kindergarten - including me.

This is a typical interaction for an adult with a five-year-old. It's what happens most of the time. How would you feel, though, if this were the way the conversation went instead?

" Hello, sweetie. Those pigtails are just too cute. What's your name?"

Your child looks at the grandma, smiles, and replies, " Thank you. My mommy likes to sometimes make pigtails for me. My name is Cynthia. What's your name?" (pg. 10)

Well, since you asked how I felt, I would be weirded out.   Most kids don't ask random strangers what their names are.  I have no idea how to respond to the fact that Cynthia is wearing pigtails because her mom likes to put Cynthia's hair in pigtails.  Does Cynthia like pigtails?  Does anyone care if she does? 

This whole conversation reminded me of a CP/QF point-of-pride that might be putting their kids at risk.  CP/QF homeschooling parents often wax poetic about how their kids spend all their time in intergenerational settings instead of being surrounded by their peers.   That sounds all well and good - but it also means that their kids are oblivious to the fact that adults don't usually spend time with random kids.    I do water aerobics for exercise and sometimes workout during busy "Open Swim" times.  Generally, people assort by family groups or peer groups.   There's usually groups of boys and girls within a few years of each other playing some game while the parents chat or exercise.    As an adult woman without a kid with me, my interaction with the kids in the pool is limited to occasionally retrieving a toy that has floated into an area that's too deep for the kid to go safely.    The kid gets my attention and asks if I can get the toy on the edge of the deep end.  I say, "Sure!" and return the toy to the kid who says "Thanks!" and we all go about our merry ways.   If I were to join in the kids' game when no other adults are playing -or strike up a conversation with the kid without involving their parent in some way - I would be behaving in a very strange manner would be at least uncomfortable for most kids.   

Well, I'm going to stop there for now.  The next section of stilted dialogue revolves around a teenager at a doctor's office. 

Maxwell Reading Criteria Review

I pulled out my copy of "Raising Sons to Provide for Single-Income Families" and realized that we are finished with the review!  The last chapter is simply a mild rehash of the first few chapters without any particularly interesting quotes to discuss.  The next Maxwell book on the docket to review is "Raising Great Conversationalists" - which amuses me on so many levels.   Before I start that, I realized that I've alluded to, but never discussed, the chaotic mess of rules the Maxwells have created around reading books.  We already know that the Maxwells abstain piously from any visual media, watching professional sports, playing team sports, owning outdoor recreation vehicles, hunting or fishing.  For me, getting rid of all of those activities would greatly increase the amount of time I spent reading.  The Maxwells, though, have managed to ban the vast majority of books written in English - so starting a conversation with them will be tricky.

Before we dive into the prohibitions, take a few moments to think of your favorite book as a child, as a preteen, as a teenager and as an adult.  Luxuriate in the details of the plot.  Enjoy the art of the writing.  Think of how much pleasure you have received from that book.  Realize that the Maxwell kids (especially the ones born after Sarah) have probably never read any of those books - and never will.

The section on the family's reading rules is in an appendix in "Managers of their Schools".  It's pretty much a bunch of Bible quotes with restrictions supported by the quotes.   The heart of the matter is summarized at the end of the first paragraph.

We would rather not read than to read what we don't see as matching up with Scripture.

If Steven and Teri Maxwell wanted to obey that dictum themselves, I can support their right to do that as adults - but they hold the same principles for their homeschooled kids.   Practically, their kids received no language arts training in any fiction or nonfiction forms of literature after the kids were reading fluently in 3rd grade.    Disturbingly, the Maxwell adults swear that their kids don't need to learn about things like "structure, style, theme, plot, character development, figurative language, imagery, symbolism and tone" (pg. 43) because their adult children aren't going to be spending time reading fiction as adults so why bother?

The obvious rebuttal is that non-fiction uses all of those things as well and looking critically at fiction when young makes adults more savvy consumers of written media.    (Bluntly, if you don't know that non-fiction uses all of those things, you have no business creating your own homeschool curricula for your kids; the Maxwells are clearly in over their head.)

I digress.  Think of books you like.  Let's see how long they survive on the list.  I've added books that I enjoy that are banned in italics followed by my thoughts and musings for each rule.

Themes/subjects that cause books to be banned:

• Animal characters that act like humans (IOW, anthropomorphism)
• Rejected books: The Berenstain Bears Series; Llama Llama Series, the Click, Clack, Moo series,  Corderoy, Curious George, Ferdinand the Bull, the Narnia Series, Charlotte's Web, Stuart Little, Watership Down, Animal Farm...and the first Chapter of Genesis along with the story of Balaam the Donkey.
• There is an implication that exposing kids to anthropomorphism makes them unable to differentiate between truth and fiction.  In reality, kids get that animals don't really act like humans from the animals they see in everyday life.
• Sibling fighting 
• Rejected books: Every book where a child character has siblings.  Most books where adult characters have siblings.
• At this point, the vast majority of kids' fictional books are out.  For most kids, their life revolves around dealing with the interpersonal stresses of living in families and schools with friends who have disagreements with them - so banning disagreements from fiction really limits the options for storylines.  
• Disobedient children (without consequences) AND/OR
• Bad role models even if the bad actors receive consequences for their actions.
• Rejected books: the Boxcar Kids series, Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events series, Anne of Green Gables series, Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry trilogy
• This section is contradictory because the first sentence of the paragraph states that the kids can't read anything with bad role models regardless of comeuppance - and after the required Bible verses - the last sentence states that books with kids who do bad things and are not punished should be banned.  So...which is it?
• Silliness or foolishness
• Rejected books: Anything I read before age 6 or so..... including Dr. Seuss and "Good Night, Moon."
• I can't think of a children's non-board book that's still in play.  My 18 month old son's board book library would be down to books that are essentially early vocabulary books long with "Where's Your Hat, Abraham Lincoln?" and "Cheer Up,  Ben Franklin."
• Fairy tales and myths
• Rejected books: Peter Pan, Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, Rumpelstiltskin, Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox, Johnny Appleseed, Pandora's Box, Gilgamesh, Beowulf.
• On a "positive" note, the Maxwell children will never be disturbed by the fact that the first few chapters of Genesis are taken from previous civilizations' writings.  Yay?
• On the negative side, they won't understand why I was so excited to read that retting flax in dew compared to running water changes the color of the thread from silvery-white to golden-white.  You really can teach people to spin straw into gold.
• Mythical characters, witchcraft and magic
• Rejected books: Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Hobbit, the Harry Potter series, A Wrinkle in Time series, the Discworld series, some of the Goosebumps series.
• Any discussion of luck. 
• Rejected books:  Um...I'm drawing a blank on books that would be knocked out on this characteristic.
• This one feels like a blanket chance for the Maxwell parents to take away any book that's made it past  the other stipulations.

Additional stipulations:

• Books must be non-fiction or fiction that is plausible. (And on a completely unrelated note, Sarah Maxwell writes and sells these!  The appendix includes how to buy those....)
• This knocked out any science fiction that might have survived. 
• Books must be edifying and encourage people to a stronger walk with Christ.  However: 
• Description of other world religions or mythologies are banned.
• The parents pre-read history textbooks and use permanent marker to blacken out any sections that factually describe other religions.  
• Any type of evil (defined as violence, crime, wickedness and sin) will cause the book to be banned.  
• Stories involving war are also banned to avoid militarizing their sons. 

So...does anyone know of edifying books that have no mention of other religions, sin, violence, crime or war?   Because - and I'm dead serious - they knocked out the Bible without realizing it.  

I'm tempted to go to one of the Maxwell conferences and try and strike up a conversation with one of the Maxwell adult children about books....

Preparing Sons: Chapter 11 - Part 1

Honestly, I was surprised that the book didn't end immediately after Chapter 10.  The book is about how to prepare sons to earn enough to support a single income family and the last chapter covered what a teen needed to know or do before graduating high school.  In my world, high school graduation is the beginning of adult life.  Parents are still very important for advice, emotional support and financial support - but a person in their late teens needs to start making career choices for themselves since they are the ones who live with the consequences.

Steven Maxwell disagrees with me strongly in the chapter titled "Post Graduation":

If you have only recently begun to consider the subject, there is much to do. It will be difficult to attain what you might have if you had started sooner, but not impossible! Begin by rereading this book beginning at chapter six. Be confident that you are building on a sure foundation. Then proceed gradually to apply the suggestions in each chapter. Proceed to the next chapter only after you are satisfied with the progress your son has made through the suggestions in the current chapter. Be committed that if it takes your son until he is in his twenties to have him properly prepared, you will do it.

For the parents who have been preparing their son for years, be encouraged that the fruits of your labor are close to being harvested. You may decide that your son is to continue his education and training. Or there may be other plans. Possibly he owns a business or is about to begin employment with another company. Regardless of the direction, be sure of God's leading. (pg. 163)

I've had plenty to say in other posts about irresponsible homeschooling, but I've never met a homeschooling family that waited until a student had graduated high school to think about post-graduation options.  Even the least organized, most hands-off parent knows that the next step is for the kid to become employed somewhere.  That often works because there are plenty of jobs for people who do not have a high school diploma in retail or restaurant services that are underpaid and have high turnover. 

Maxwell's plan to have the imaginary family who waited to prepare their kid for the workforce until he was 16-19 years old is ridiculous.  The imaginary family does not need to have their teenage son shadow Dad without helping in the family business as recommended for the 2-6 year old kids or start with extremely basic organizing tasks in the 7-12 category.   Definitely skip requiring that the kid's first job be willing to have a parent stop by whenever the parent wants to judge the Christian nature of the workers and clients.  My two-cents is based on having worked with some really unprepared high school students; have them get a job at one of those retail or food service places I mentioned before.   Those places expect to have to do a lot of employee training on workplace expectations anyways so may as well see if they can teach the kid faster than you can

Maxwell ignores an inconvenient legal truth - in my state, once a person has completed a high school diploma they are a legal adult for purposes of working.  In the US, legal emancipation happens at age 18 regardless of readiness of the person in question.  The system works pretty well, but can require some advanced planning for families with offspring struggling with developmental, cognitive or emotional disabilities.  A parent may be willing to slog through the Maxwell plan of career-readiness for half a decade or so, but they have no legal recourse if their young adult offspring decides to follow another path.  CP/QF parents can use financial restrictions to penalize young adults who stray from the family "mission" and many will restrict access of "wayward" young adults to their younger siblings - but all of these things are time-limited by nature.   Once a young adult has a job at a store or restaurant, they will meet other young adults looking for a roommate in their house/apartment.  Plenty of minimum wage workers make do by holding multiple jobs and sharing costs with multiple roommates.  Bluntly, a young adult who is driven enough to get out of a family-based cult has most of the soft skills they need to move up into positions that pay a bit more than minimum wage on the first step to a long-term career that is closer to lower-middle class income.

The second paragraph is just strange.  As children become teens, they should be taking on more and more of the responsibility and excitement of planning their own careers.  Parents shift from making the decisions on behalf of their children (like "Should Juinor start preschool this year?") to taking on a purely advice-giving role (like "Which job offer should I accept?")

Maxwell begins the chapter topics by rehashing the same fluffy spiritual goals he's been trying to make sound different from the chapter on ages 2-6.   This time, he decides to try to see how scaring his readers goes over:

(... )there are undoubtedly many working men who are not mature believers, but as examples in Chapter One illustrate, there are consequences. Even if your son goes on to receive an advanced degree, if he lacks the ability to make wise, Biblical decisions, there is no guarantee that he will ever earn enough income to adequately provide for his family. (pg. 164)

Who knew that the answer to the War on Poverty was as easy as being saved in a method viewed as valid by Steven Maxwell?  How did the government miss that the best predictor of having a middle or upper-class income was being a conservative fundamentalist Baptist with no advanced education or training and reliance of God to plan family size?   I mean, it's clear that as soon as one of God's Elect becomes an atheist they will lose all their financial freedom.

Seriously, Maxwell.  That's an especially daft one even for this book.

The next topic is service.  Maxwell gives two examples:

For example, several post-high school young adults from our church minister at a local Housing Authority. They work with the children from the complex in a weekly after-school program. Jesus is proclaimed in deep friendships between the children who attend the program and the leaders are developed.

Another example of serving in the post high school years is Christopher. He helps his grandfather with a living Last Supper performance each year around Resurrection Sunday. He is responsible for the lights, staging, sound, set up, and tear down. There are lots of details to manage, including overseeing his assistants during the performance. It takes a significant amount of time each year, but he loves to help. (pg. 165)

I am extremely curious where these post-high school young adults in the Maxwell's retirement home church came from.  Are they employees who come to the service weekly?  Are they grandchildren of residents?   Hmmm.   Equally striking to me was the fact that none of the precious Maxwell hot-house flower young adults were encouraged - or allowed - to participate in that program.  I suspect that participation in that ministry would have been eye-opening if not mind-blowing for Christopher or Sarah.   When the book was written, Nathan was working full-time launching his technology career so he probably wasn't available, but both Sarah and Christopher have talents that would have been appreciated by that ministry.

Instead, Christopher continues the yearly round of doing the same production under the watchful eyes of his grandfather.  I stage-crewed in two plays a year during high school and spent most of my childhood "helping" at my dad's high school productions so I'll let you in on a secret.  The first time a company works in an auditorium (or church) is the hardest because everything is new.  The next hardest thing is when members of the company move up in their job category because being an assistant to the sound manager is different from being the sound manager.   Doing the stage crew work for the same production yearly in the same space is not difficult because the crew has already figured out the kinks of how to build the set, light the stage and optimizing the sound.   Yeah, there are always a few snags each year, but it's not like he's being dropped into a new auditorium with a different show every year.

In the chapter, Maxwell dives into a section on purchasing a home debt-free by having a young adult start their own business.   This section requires a pause for discussion at the end of each paragraph so I am going to separate it into its own post for next week.

After that topic, Maxwell decides to double-down on his objections to academic higher education followed by objections to seeking vocational training from anyone else:

Whether your son continues his education - and, if so, where he goes - may be one of the biggest decisions of his life. Schools are described as learning institutions. The students sitting under professor's teaching will be influenced by that professor's words and attitudes. If the school is a secular institution, your son could adopt that worldview or at the very least be influenced by it. The university he attends, could potentially impact every decision he makes after having attended that school.

[...]

If you choose to send your son on for more education, I implore you to be zealous in your evaluation of the school and your son's maturity. Instead of the Godly influence of his parents, peers and professors will now surround him. That is why you want to carefully evaluate your son's maturity, the school, and God's direction where higher education is concerned. (pg. 168)

Wow.  The sentence that explains that schools are "learning institutions" deserves some sort of Captain Obvious award. 

As a practical matter, if a young adult is unable to hear about another worldview without immediately giving in and following that worldview, parents should simply give up all hope for that kid.   They should also invest in a good lawyer and psychologist because the family is going to be forcibly bailing their kid out of cults for the rest of their lives. 

In my experience, college students are fairly impervious to different worldviews.  The stereotypical atheist professor - or his liberal counterpart of the fundamentalist Christian aimed at conversion - can certain blather on about their worldview, but the students will pretty much tune them out.  More usefully (or less depending on the point of view), the students will also probably ding the professor at student evaluation time for wasting their time if they are off-topic in a class that's required for a major or a minor.

Next, Maxwell decides to mix a real problem with an imaginary one:

Unfortunately, if God isn't directing your son to attend higher education and you encourage him to go, his life may never be the same. If God hasn't provided the finances, your son could carry the financial burden of repaying student loans for many years. Many young men meet their spouses at college. If your son isn't living in the center of God's will, how will that affect his consideration of a spouse? Other wrong influences may negatively affect his walk with the Lord and his relationship with you. All of these can have a potentially damaging in fact on your son's provision for single-income family. That is why I encourage you to be certain higher education is God's will. (pg. 169)

Try reading that paragraph aloud with a dramatic "Dum-Dum-DUUUUM!" at the end of each sentence that includes "God" or "the Lord" in it.  It really improves the experience for me!

To paraphrase: If your adult son goes to college, he will want control over his life.  Avoid that trap or you won't be able to arrange his marriage.

I'm flabbergasted that Maxwell can't see that he's undermining his entire spirituality training regimine in this paragraph.  People have been training their son in being a Godly Christian Who Walks with The Lord (TM) since infancy but the training is so flimsy that taking "Business Finance Law" with an atheist professor is going to cause the student to become an apostate immediately.   

Practically, young adults should be mindful of the amount of loans they take out to pursue advanced education or training.  People can and have ended up with absurd amounts of debt relative to the salary they can expect to earn on leaving college.   Ironically, CP/QF families shouldn't be dismissive of this; it's the direct result of changing private college loans from being highly monitored by the government to opening the loans to free market practices.   The free market is as Christian as the American flag, you know! *rolls eyes*

Lastly, Maxwell makes sure parents know that their kid can totally homeschool their way through advanced training, don'tcha know!

Training is often a high priced commodity, and if your son is able to study on his own, he can save thousands of dollars. For example, we agreed with Nathan that God was leading him to pursue further certification. To learn the necessary material he could either take classes or by the curriculum and study independently. Nathan chose the study on his own even though he knew it would take significantly longer to get a certification. He was successful in achieving a certification and saved himself thousands of dollars. (pg. 170)

I enjoyed a good giggle when I read this part.  There are a lot of well-paid skilled manufacturing and utilities jobs that have training programs that are fully funded by business-union partnerships.  In my area, jobs like pipefitters, HVAC, electricians, plumbers and welders have apprentice programs where a candidate will receive 3-5 years of training that is fully paid while also being placed in local businesses.  This means that at the end of the paid training, most journeymen have multiple job offers in businesses that will support their continuing education to become masters.  Financially, let's just say that a journeyman generally makes at least what I did as a full-time teacher and a master would outearn me easily.   For these trades, studying on his own (like John Maxwell did) is NEVER cost-effective.

Let me demonstrate. 

A lot of my former students were interested in nursing, but wouldn't be able to qualify for a BS or AS program in nursing right away.  Instead, they took a short training course to become an CNA.  The total maximum cost for all tuition, fees, and equipment is $1,580 dollars.  CNAs in our area make between $10-14 dollars an hour.

 $1580 dollars / $10 dollars per hour = 158 hours.

Essentially, if a person can study for the CNA and pass it in LESS than 158 hours (which is 19 8-hour days) of study, they may be better off studying on their own rather than taking the course.   (I'm ignoring some of the other benefits like employment help - but you can estimate it by taking $80 dollars off the total cost of tuition for gained day of employment if you want.)

Let's look at Nathan's choice.  A local program in leading to the same security IT certifications he has takes a total of $7,500 in tuition and fees for an expected salary of $25 dollars per hour.  That means the mathematical breakeven point is around 300 hours of study.  Now, the CNA program took roughly the same amount of time as the breakeven point of studying by yourself - but the IT program moves a person through in 180 hours (or half the time) - so unless the person can study at the same pace as the class, they are better off paying the money for the class.

The funniest one is John Maxwell's choice.  To become a plumber or electrician apprentice would have cost him $0 in tuition plus a paycheck of at least $10 per hour while studying.   Choosing to study for those certifications on his own COST him money.

Good thing he listened to his dad, huh.....

Preparing Sons: Chapter 10 - Part One

Welcome to Steven Maxwell's chapter in "Preparing Sons to Provide for a Single Income Family" on how to raise sons between the ages of 13 and finishing school!  I feel more competent to discuss this age-group than any of the other ones since I've spent most of my working life teaching this age group.  Personally, I enjoy working with pre-teens, teens and young adults.  They are in a period of life where they are sampling and re-assessing the world for themselves.  Often, this requires occasional moments of friction against authority figures - but those stages are important for growth.

Like the two previous chapters, the first section in this age group deals with the teenager's spiritual growth.  A large portion of the section involves teaching the teen to use the Bible like an instruction manual:

You can also use this approach to help your son  "practice" making Biblical decisions on situations he might face in the future, such as: What if your boss asked you to lie? Would it be proper for a married man to have lunch alone with a woman not his wife? What if the other woman were sales representative, and it was strictly a business lunch? What if a woman co-worker asked for help to save her marriage? Let him study God's words on these issues as part of his training and applying scripture to decision-making. Not only will that skill be developed, but he will also be equipped with a Biblical basis for facing such situations if they ever arise. This will help him to see that the Bible can be applied to discerning God's direction. (pg. 140)

Oh, Lord.  The Maxwells have a stricter version of the Pence Rule than Mike Pence does. 

Equally disturbing - why would a teenager not already know the accepted moral answers to most of these questions?  Small white lies for a boss are okay like screening calls to avoid sales representatives or helping set up a surprise retirement party.  Big lies are not a good sign and should be avoided.  Yes, business professionals have lunch with people of the other gender all the time.  That was relatively rare in education (mainly because teachers tend to go to lunch or dinner in massed clumps) but I had plenty of lunches with my male advisor without a smidgen of attraction between us.  Don't help co-workers with their marriage.  Especially important: do not help subordinates with their marriages.

The second section covers how to get the teenager into the masculine world of preaching or teaching:

If you are not aware of preaching or teaching opportunities, ask the Lord where you and your son could share publicly. Our country is full of nursing homes with residents who are hungry for someone to spend time with them. What better use of time than to share God's word with them? (...)

You can make your ministry at the nursing home a church-type service, as our family does, and include many of the children. Take turns with your son being the preacher or teacher. You share one week, and he can the next. If any of your children are learning to play an instrument, let him play while you or an older child leads the group in singing. It will be an incredible time of growth and service! (pg. 141)

Leave it to the Maxwell family to add a new terror to old age.

 A music group I was involved with in high school performed at local retirement and nursing homes.  We bought a variety of standard Christian hymns along with pop hits from the 1930's and 1940's.  The hymns were nice - but people got really into hearing the songs from when they were teens.  More importantly, we stayed afterwards and chatted and played games with the residents.

The biggest irony for me about reading this book is that the Maxwells have managed to isolate their kids even while attending "church".   By holding services at a retirement home, the Maxwell kids are kept away from pesky children, teens or adults who have different worldviews.  Elderly folk may have a different worldview from the Maxwells - but Steven's got that covered by having his kids kept busy between playing music or preaching.

All the bragging rights of attempting to convert a captive audience with none of the risks of having the kids being exposed to other people.

Now, we've covered pretty extensively how sheltered and micromanaged the Maxwell Family is.  For anyone who is unfamiliar with "Managers of Their Homes" the Maxwell Family routinely schedules every activity from rising to sleeping.  I can see the benefits of having a daily schedule especially when homeschooling a massive family - but when a 23-year old Sarah is still being scheduled right down to a slot for showering, things have gotten weird.   Based on that level of control, you might assume that Steven could rest assured that his teens were gaining plenty of character simply by living.  You'd be wrong; that's why Steven has weekly meetings with each kid aged 12 and up:

Any topic is fair game for meeting as long as it is discussed calmly, in a spirit of love. Most weeks I will ask a son how is quiet time is going, what struggles he is having, and if he's having trouble with his thoughts. If there are problems with his other siblings, these will be discussed. If there are character issues I've observed, I will bring these up. Seldom is there a negative reaction from my son as he received the concerns from a loving daddy's heart. In addition, I asked my son whether I'm doing anything that is causing him difficulty. Occasionally I will question him to areas of hypocrisy in my life to which I am blind. I absolutely love my meeting time with my children. Friend, I treasure those minutes! (pg. 142)

Goody goody gumdrops.  Not only is the Maxwell Family constrained to a life of stultifying boredom but the boredom is only broken up by the fact that Steven Maxwell is making lists of character issues and intersibling spats to drag up weekly.  At least, I hope that the sentence about siblings describes inter-sibling issues; I'd hate to think that Steven discloses character issues that his other kids are struggling with. 

I can't imagine trying to get through my teenage years without having the sanctuary of my own thoughts.  I could rage against my parents, fume about my sister and I's last spat or fantasize about my dream boyfriend without having to confess everything to a prying, controlling father.

I would be much less skeptical if Steven would elaborate in a serious manner some of the areas that he's been hypocritical - especially those areas pointed out by his sons.   First, Steve has always minimized his flaws compared to everyone else's in the universe.   Steven's habit of flying small planes was setting his family back a huge chunk of cash - but Steven weeps when service workers discuss which casinos they like.  Guess what?  Visiting a casino on a service worker's income is much less of an imposition than flying planes are for a family of 5.

Second, Steven has controlled the money, career, educational, and shelter options of his sons.  Only Nathan, Christopher and perhaps John have careers that are mostly independent of Steven - and I'm far from certain that Christopher and John are fully financially independent.  Joseph and Jesse are in a business at least partially owned by Steven.  When this book was written, only Nathan had his own house.  The other four boys lived at home.  How honest  could (or should) those sons be about any hypocrisy they see in their dad?

Next, Maxwell discusses how to promote leadership among sons.  I pulled out this quote because it reminded me of efforts by college applicants to make participating an average volunteer experience sound like the most amazing life-changing experience ever:

Each year Christopher organized the group's spelling bee. He oversaw it from beginning to end. First he had to locate and motivate the children to participate. Then, over time, he would check with the spellers to make sure they were working on their word list. He recruited judges, a pronouncer, and a refreshment coordinator and made sure that they each understood their role. He confirm the facilities were reserved and set up. Those of you who have overseen an event know there are other jobs that need to be managed as well, but you get the idea. All in all, it was an excellent chance for Christopher to lead.

Christopher, with Sarah's help, was also responsible for organizing the children's programs that were held during the parents' meeting. They had to plan every minute of the evening so that the children would spend their time productively. The goal was to teach the children material that was profitable and practical. Christopher and Sarah would recruit other young people to help. They work through the details of the evening and often had an organizational meeting. The children's programs were an excellent opportunity to practice leadership while ministering to others (pg. 143-144)

The "group" was a pre-existing homeschool support group.  Finding children to participate was as simple as sending home a flyer with the parents.  I don't know where the spelling bee was located, but we can rent a community room at the local library for free.  Reserving the room took about 10 minutes on the phone at most - and probably a lot less now if I can do it online.  Since Sarah and Christopher were already seeing the kids at the children's program,  checking in on the spellers means saying "Hey, champ!  Getting ready for the big spelling bee?"  The hardest bit would be finding judges and a pronouncer if they weren't using parents of the kids in the bee.   Personally, I'd start bothering all the English teachers I know, but I don't know how the Maxwells dealt with that.  I love the title of "refreshment coordinator"!  I'd have just set up a list of items to bring by last name of families involved in the bee and called it good. 

I hope Christopher and Sarah found other teenagers to help with every children's program - and held multiple organizational meetings for each one.  That gives me hope that they might have had a few moments of unsupervised time with peers at some point during their teenage years.

The last section of the chapter I'm going to discuss today loosely fits the idea of training a son to a vocation.

An important method to raise successful sons is to never, ever miss a chance to bring up how not following Steven Maxwell's advice lead to a business failure.   The next quote section is about Eric's Christopher's first business that failed:

Eric had his own graphic design business for two years. He loved throwing his heart into making successful. Unfortunately, he would have starved had he not been living with his parents. His father wanted to teach Eric programming, But Eric only had eyes for graphic design and wasn't interested. (pg. 17)

One excellent way to stir the desire for working is by helping your son start a business. Remember Eric? Even though he was not learning programming as his father wanted, he still benefited greatly from his startup graphics design business. By staying busy, Eric did not have the time or the desire to hang around with the guys. For 2 years, he poured his heart into making his business successful. (pg. 146)

The "best" thing about the Maxwell's belief in all children living at home prior to marriage is the financial and career control Steven Maxwell maintains.   

Nathan showed interest in computer programing and Steven Maxwell approved of that.  Steven Maxwell used his connections to help Nathan land his first external job at Maxwell's employer.

Christopher was interested in graphic design and that was not an approved choice by Steven.  Graphic design can be a hard field to get started in - especially without a college degree or work experience in the field.  Perhaps Steven tried to drum up some business for Christopher; perhaps the collapse of the aerospace engineering firm Steven worked at made that impossible.

Oddly enough, Christopher never was encouraged to go to college to get a graphic design degree. Was that because Steven Maxwell knew (at some level) that the homeschool education provided to his sons was subpar?  Graphic design might avoid the pitfalls in science and math - but the family's absolute lack of study in fictional literature would be painfully obvious in a humanities class. The existing websites created by the family show some writing quirks shared among the boys that might signal lack of experience in writing.  The Maxwell kids studied instrumental music since it was a way for the parents to show off the skills of the kids - but they received minimal visual art exposure or training. 

Apparently Joseph learned from Nathan's and Christopher's examples.  Joseph demonstrated an interest - and hopefully some talent - in programing - so his dad opened his wallet.

Leading your son towards more work and less play may mean providing him with the necessary work tools. When Joseph was 12, he was progressing well in programming, web page layout, and graphic design. Unfortunately, we did not have a computer available as often as he needed it. So we found a refurbished, brand name system that was very inexpensive, but quite powerful. Then Joseph had his "own" system and was able to spend more time on the projects that challenged him. Parents should be willing to invest financially in sons, if necessary. (pg. 146)

For reasons of honesty, the last sentence should strike "if necessary" and replace it with "to reward those who follow the family plan".   

According to the last chapter, the Maxwells had already spent at least $1,000 dollars to buy a professional copy of Delphi for Joseph - so dropping another $200-500 dollars on a solid refurbished computer system sounds like the next illogical step.   Now, a full-time course load of classes at a local community college for Christopher would run around a total of $1,300 dollars - and he'd likely qualify for financial aid or loans.  But funding a traditional college education for Christopher would reward him for disobeying Steven Maxwell's whims and possibly lead Christopher to question the Maxwell way of life so best to nip that in the bud.

The last quote is an excellent example of Maxwell's completely non-descript inspirational characters:

Billy, a sixteen-year-old, had been helping the young man who owns his own service business. Billy is not able to work full-time because of school, but with the hours he's putting in, he's gaining significant experience in this trade. By the time he graduates high school, he will know if this is something that he wants to pursue full time.

Troy chose to attend college. The vocation skills he learned during his high school years enabled him to have a high paying contract job while he attended college. If young people would concentrate on learning marketable skills at this age instead of majoring in entertainment, many would not have to borrow for college, vehicle, or house. (pg. 147-148)

I am very much in favor of vocational training especially for students who are clear on the fact that going to college sounds like hell.  I believe that the US system of education took a wrong turn when vocational training was eliminated due to a combination of cost and concerns about overly rigid tracking.   Many community colleges and unions have excellent vocational training available at reasonable rates.  On the other hand,  CP/QF families are at higher risk for being scammed by for-profit vocational training institutes that do not deliver on their promises.  The example I was aware of in my area was ITT Tech before it went bankrupt.  Male members of ATI/IBLP are at risk of being scammed through the ALERT Academy  (mainly because I don't trust any organization that offers EMT prep without disclosing the pass rate of the graduates.)

Is Billy's boss ITT Tech or the local community college?  Is he learning responsible management of hazards or is he learning shortcuts that can lead to massive fines later on?  Is Billy really learning the trade or is he getting a valuable shadowing experience while doing menial tasks?  Is Billy working on customers' jobs and is he fully qualified to do so?    I'm all about an enthusiastic 16-year old changing the oil on my car; I don't want the teen to be replacing my brakes unsupervised.

Anyone remember Troy?  Troy was the high schooler who started schlepping boxes around at a business and was promoted to archive manager within a year.  He also made a really nifty set of Excel documents to keep track of the archival materials.   Troy may have been the lucky soul who landed contract work making Excel documents while going to college - but plenty of successful college graduates I went to school with worked at local retail or restaurant establishments during college and still became lawyers, doctors and teachers.   Don't overthink it.

Well, that's it for today.  In the next post, I try and track down all of the Maxwell Family businesses.....

Preparing Sons: Chapter Nine - Part Two

This chapter from Steven Maxwell's "Preparing Sons to Provide for a Single Income Family" discusses how to raise 7-12 year old boys.  A previous post covered the sections on spirituality, vision, and teaching kids to work hard.   The next section covers the importance of having kids do chores.  Maxwell and I agree in broad strokes - kids reap a lot of benefits to doing age-appropriate chores.  Keeping a home running is a lot of work and it's fair for kids to help out with that work.  Chores involve using a lot of gross muscle, fine muscle and cognitive skills so learning to do chores helps develop new skills for little ones.   I'm less than impressed with one of Maxwell's rationales:

One of the many benefits of chores is that our children will appreciate how much work it is to keep house. We do not want to be guilty of raising a son who takes the work his wife does for granted. He should know how to help his wife with household chores in addition to being grateful for all she does. (pg. 125)

My first issue is that this paragraph normalizes the Maxwell ideal of all offspring living at home until they are married.  The reality is that most men and women live as single adults at some point during their lives.  Most men and women live as single adults if they become financially independent prior to marriage - and all marriage.

My second issue is the normalization of expecting a wife to do all the household chores as an ideal situation.   My husband and I agree - as my parents did - that raising children (with all the associated tasks) is more than enough of a full-time job for a stay-at-home mother. Most couples split up the rest of the household chores between them.   I do the majority of the daily chores around the house right now, but my husband does a lot of the care for our son when he's home in the morning and evening.  Maxwell's description of a husband "helping" his wife makes the husband sound like an eager, but relatively unskilled elementary school kid rather than an adult.

From chores, Maxwell moves into the idea of having kids help out on projects. Personally, my family has treated projects as a one-time or recurring large chore.   Everyone was expected to help out to the best of their ability to get the work done quickly and well.    The first anecdote in the section is supposed to inspire readers about what their kids can do when all extraneous "fun" activities are removed from their lives.  I was not inspired; I was horrified:

When Joseph was seven years old and John was five, they asked if they could landscape the front of  the house. The job involved digging up sod in the heat of summer. After some persistence on their part, I agreed to give them the project. I was concerned about the shovels and tools they would be using so I presented them with some rules aimed at protecting them from injury. Every day, out those two little boys would go with their shovels, digging and sweating. I helped them at times, but it was their project. For the final steps, we worked together putting the black weed preventer down and then planting the bushes. I cannot imagine a trophy on a shelf meaning more to me than that landscaping! (pg. 126)

I like gardening and was trained as an under-gardener by both my mother and father.  Age-appropriate chores for a 5-7 year old kid include transplanting small annuals, watering plants, deadheading flowers, harvesting vegetables and raking leaves.   Kids that young should not be breaking sod!  I started breaking sod at around age 12.  At that age, I was tall enough to use an adult shovel, heavy enough that my body weight would drive the point through the sod, and strong enough to flip the broken sod onto a tarp to dry.   I'm pretty sure that if I had tried to break sod at age 5, I would have stepped on the shovel, had the point barely break the surface, and fallen over when I lost my balance.  I know that that happened when my dad finally gave in my pleas to let me help him break sod when I was 7 or 8.

I hope one of the safety concerns Maxwell was keeping an eye on was heat-stroke!  I live in Michigan where July and August temperatures are between 80-90 degrees F with 90% humidity or more.  Based on my memories of watching the Weather Channel as a kid, Kansas is like Michigan but 10 degrees warmer.   Overheating while doing vigorous exertion happens frequently out here and parents keep a close eye on their young kids who are playing outside.

The arborist in me is cringing at the idea of planting bushes mid-summer surrounded by black plastic mulch.   If Maxwell is going to let his kids do projects that are too advanced for their age, he should at least teach them the correct times of year to transplant trees and bushes.  Transplantation is very stressful for trees and bushes.  To minimize stress on the plant, most people transplant woody plants in early spring or late fall.   The plants are usually in a dormant period which can tolerate stress better and the mild temperatures do not stress the plants.   If someone has to transplant in mid-summer, the best bet is to add a heavy layer of mulch to cool the nearby soil (and cool the microclimate by the tree if at all possible).     We had to transplant a half-grown Japanese maple in the middle of the summer a few years ago.   I made sure to deeply water the tree twice a week because we live in an extremely windy exposure that causes soil to dry out rapidly.  I would also run a sprinkler on sections of the lawn nearby in the mid-afternoon when the temperature was hot and the tree was in the sun to cool the area around the tree.

After that rousing story, Maxwell explains his philosophy on having his kids learn new skills:

Don't begin by trying to decide if your son has the skills for the job. If you approach training your son that way, he will seldom be qualified for anything. In our home the rule is: " If you haven't done something before, or think it is impossible, then we will give you a little more time to do it." Set high goals and learning expectations for your children.

How many of us adults have been required to do something that you have not done before? I'm confident everyone has had this experience. It's part of life, isn't it? Therefore, why not get your children accustomed to doing projects that they have never done before? When I asked my child to undertake a new task, I will facilitate him slightly. I want to see him thinking about how he will tackle the job and what he may need to learn before he can begin. He will need to be able to do whatever research is required. There is no reason for a son to be spoon-fed unless you were planning on being by his side when he is providing for his family. If you want a son who is an independent adult, he must learn how to learn on his own and be willing to tackle unknown projects when necessary. (pg. 127)

I know I keep saying this - but this section is written for elementary school kids, not high school students!  Many of the kids in this age-group will be missing the thinking skills needed to plan out the details of a project that they have never done before because of their developmental age.   For kids who are developmentally ready to make a plan, remember that they have relatively little life experience.  Many activities that are simple to an adult are completely mind-boggling to an elementary student. 

I don't like telling kids that they have to do a project even if they think the project is impossible to complete.  The kid has a reason for thinking that a project is impossible.  The least I can do is listen to the kid to find out why they think the project is impossible.  In my experience, kids think something is impossible when they misunderstand what needs to be done so all I need to do is clarify the project.  On the other hand, the kid might see something that I don't that makes the project impossible.

Oh, the last few sentences made me laugh.  Maxwell has eight kids.  Of those eight kids, only Nathan has a documented history of working outside of the family business away from Steven.  Nathan eventually returned to Communication Concepts, INC which was started by Steven and appears to be running it now.  Christopher and Joseph have started similar computer-based businesses.  John has an agricultural business that might not be viable along with selling homes as a realtor; if someone can show that he's sold a house, that would be a second kid working independently.  The youngest son Jesse is working at Joseph's business.  Sarah's been running Titus 2 Ministries since she was in high school - although it takes some careful reading of the "Managers of Their ....." books to put it together.  Anna is working as a customer-service representative for Nathan's business.  I have no idea what Mary's doing outside of being a mother's helper for her three sisters-in-law who have children.

If you are able to ensure your children safety, give them tools. Real tools make great gifts, and if they are good quality, you are building a tool chest your son will need in the future.

[...]

Teri and I like to give our sons tools on special, gift-giving occasions. The tools we choose usually have lifetime warranties so we know they're built to last. If the tool ever breaks, it can be exchanged. Screwdrivers, pliers, sockets, and wrenches are all great gifts. How thrilling to a little boy's heart to help Daddy with home repairs using his own tools! As always, it is critical that great caution be exercised to be sure the tools are used safely. I have my sons keep their tools away until Dad is available to work with them. (pg. 127-128)

I like tools.  I like the idea buying tools for gifts - but starting in elementary school is a bit young.   The tools that a kid can use most effectively are not the same size or weight as a tool that an adult can use the best.   Plus, getting lifetime warranted tools for each son in a CP/QF family is going to get expensive in a hurry.     A cheaper option would be to buy a variety of sized tools divided into "kids", "teens" and "adults" sets so that family members can choose the equipment that works best for them. 
As always, I think that girls would benefit from having a tool set as well.  Steven Maxwell likes using his kids as workers on home-construction projects.  Perhaps the girls would like to do something besides digging ditches, moving random material and painting.

Steven moves from tools into allowances (which he's in favor of; that's a third thing we agree on) to schooling in a mildly disconcerting way.   Most of the section on education is a long discussion of why education doesn't have to be fun because life isn't always fun.  He's not going to get any disagreement from me on that point - but I do try and make education appealing by interspersing independent work like reading or writing with short group activities or hands-on projects. 

We've covered that Steven Maxwell and his kids have benefited from Maxwell's college education - but I'm not sure that Maxwell understands that benefit.  He's got a strangely cavalier attitude to teaching kids academic subjects.

Obviously, the education he receives from his schooling is vital to him having marketable skills. Frequently these days, we hear news reports on the high number of high school graduates who are illiterate. Illiteracy will certainly limit a man's potential for earning a livable wage. You want a son who is comfortable with reading, spelling, writing, and math skills. In addition, you would like for him to have a basic knowledge of many other disciplines such as History, Science, Health, art, music, government, and economics. You have many years to instill this fundamental information into your sons, but don't lose sight of the fact that school is necessary part of preparing a son. (pg. 129)

I'll write up a separate post some day about the Maxwell homeschool education - but I promise that it is underwhelming.  He didn't forget to include English/Language Arts; the Maxwells don't study it at all.  The highest math level the family has finished is Algebra II - but they take Algebra II immediately after Algebra I without a separate Geometry class.   The kids only take one year of high school science which is a very basic physical science class.  I'd forgive a weak STEM curriculum if the family compensated with an intensive humanities curriculum - but they don't study art, music, any form of fiction/poetry or foreign languages with the level of intensity that would be expected by high school.

That last sentence is a bit terrifying since the Maxwells are taking 12 years to teach a curriculum that is equivalent in most subjects to an 8th grade curriculum.  (I'll give them 10th grade in math - but they are at 3rd or 4th grade in English/Language Arts....yikes.)

If it is obvious your son already has a bent and leading from the Lord towards a particular vocation, you can also begin at this age to allow some school time for him to pursue the appropriate studies in that direction. Not only does this begin his education specifically applicable for his future, it also helps discern whether this is really a viable career direction for him. Even if you don't have an indication of your son's future work, you can use school time to help you towards this discernment. For example, schedule computer time. Does he like it? Does he have an aptitude for it? What about shop time? Can he build a project? Does he enjoy working with his hands? Perhaps you will plan a foreign language into your son school day. Does he have a natural ability to learn a foreign language? Is it exciting for him? (pg 131)

Um...yeah.  Look, it's great if a kid shows some aptitude for a career at age 7 or 8 - but that's way too young to start slotting kids into academic or vocational tracks.   I highly doubt that the posters we made in third grade about the careers we wanted to pursue as adults have a strong correlation to what people are actually doing now.

The Maxwells have a relatively small number of kids spaced over a long period of time. This meant that Teri Maxwell generally only had 2 kids who needed a lot of attention from her as a teacher.  The rest were either graduated, old enough to work independently or preschoolers.  That makes adapting curriculum for computer time, woodworking time or a foreign language possible for his parents.

How does that work in the Duggar or Bates family?  At least those two families have cash from their TV shows.  How about the Rodrigues family when they were traveling and living in an RV with 13 children?  How about the Pearl family when they were living Tennessee and had no money for food?

Let's be honest: the Maxwell family is in an entirely different economic sphere than the average CP/QF family.  Need more proof?  Check out this last quote:

When Joseph was 10 years old, we purchased the professional version of Delphi for him. It is an extremely powerful computer programming language. He spent many of his "free" hours learning to program. He had no other instruction than what he could dig out of the books we had. He still has a long way to go, but he has learned a tremendous amount already. (pg. 132)

Maxwell is right; Delphi is a very powerful computer programing language.  What he doesn't mention is that the Maxwell Family dropped at least $1,000 to purchase that.   Joseph also benefited from the fact that the Maxwell Family apparently had books on using Delphi to program laying around the house.  That's not a given in most families. 

Either the Maxwell Family has way more disposable income than my family ever did - or Steven Maxwell is being loosey-goosey with language again.  I learned how to use a lot of programs by working on my dad's computer at school.  I didn't own a copy of a program - but I used a copy outside of working hours to type papers or crunch data.   Similarly, purchasing a copy of Delphi for Communication Concepts, INC would make sense if that was when Nathan, Christopher and Steven were pivoting from selling copying services and internet forms to providing internet security features.  Letting Joseph use their Delphi program outside of company hours would let him build skills in programing without dropping an insane amount of money in case a 4th grader had latent programing skills. 

I know which scenario I'm putting my money on.

The rest of the chapter is filler on not letting kids watch TV, go on the Web unsupervised or letting kids play with evil toys.  I wish he had been more descriptive about the evil toys; I'm not sure if he's talking about not letting kids run around with weapons and Ouija boards - or if he's certain that giving kids a Disney character toy that came in a Happy Meal will doom their souls to hell.

I know which scenario I'm putting my money on. 

Warm-Up Game for the Next Preparing Sons Chapter!

Whoo-hoo!  The next chapter in "Preparing Sons for To Provide for a Single Income Family" by Steven Maxwell is my absolute favorite chapter of all CP/QF books I've read so far.

Maxwell blesses us by letting us know about nine separate activities that will lead your family down the road to perdition! 

I've collected the nine activities and paraphrased lightly the outcomes for each.  It is up to you to match the activity and the outcome!

The answers for each will be revealed in the post covering each activity.  This chapter is such a hoot that it will last for several weeks because there is so much crazy-crazy material that I've gotta divide it into smaller chunks.

Have fun!

Buying a Home Debt Free: Financial Privilege

One theme I've noticed across CP/QF blogs is a tone-deafness around financial privilege.  Every family has different levels of wealth and income.  Families that have higher levels of assets and income can give their children financial benefits that put the kids into a better starting position than people with fewer assets.  My concern is that many CP/QF voices extol the virtues of hard work and saving without ever tallying up the large amount of wealth that is transferred from one generation to the next.   Without that accounting, people can be overly judgmental about how poorer families "just don't work hard enough" - and I have problems with that attitude.

Steven Maxwell posted a two-part testimonial written by a young man who built his own house when he was engaged at age 19.  I'm glad  that he was able to do that - but the main reason he was able to do so was that he received a lot of direct and indirect transfer of assets from his family and friends.  I'm going to pull out the sections that discuss input from other people and do a rough estimate on the amount of asset transfer that occurred. 

I grew up on a dairy farm. My siblings and I helped on the farm a lot, and Dad paid us by giving us portions from the sales of cows or by giving us calves. I used some of this money to buy beef cattle and thus got more funds. One of my brothers and I also had a lawn mowing business, and I tried never to spend money. I lived at home, used my parents’ vehicles, and didn’t buy myself hip clothing, coffee, or gadgets. I had thousands of dollars in savings by the time I got engaged.

• Depending on how the market is doing, a dairy bull calf runs between $50.00 and $150.00.  
• Beef steers do great on left-over dairy cattle feed so the costs of raising the beef steers was pretty negligible for the kid. 
• A grown cow eats around 30 pounds of hay a day; the steer would start out lower and end up higher because the amount of hay eaten is roughly dependent on body mass.  Assuming the steer needs ~30 pounds of hay a day for 5 months out of the year that grass forage isn't available for the two years it takes to mature him, that's 9,000 pounds of hay.  Round bales of hay vary a lot in weight - but I'll give a generous estimate of 1,000 pounds of hay per bale - so he'd need to buy 9 round bales per steer per year.  The price of hay moves around a lot, but $100.00 a bale is a good average.  
• That's $900.000 over two years in feed.
• I doubt the brothers had to buy their own lawn mower for the business to start with.  A walk-behind gas lawn mower runs between $100-$300 dollars while a riding lawn mower runs between $1,000-$5,000.
• Living at home and using his parents' vehicles means that his parents were willing and able to pay for his food, cleaning supplies, health insurance and automotive insurance plus the amount that utilities increased from him living at home.  (I'm assuming he was purchasing his own clothing and work consumables.)  This amount varies a lot by family and geographic location - but that's probably between $500 - $1500 per month of expenses for his parents.

When I got engaged, it was obvious that we’d need a place to live, and it seemed most sensible to build a house. My grandfather owned a number of pieces of farm land, and he offered to give me the land to build a house on. My grandfather got power put in to the property and set up a submersible pump in the well. He also dug a trench with his backhoe to bury the pipes and main wires to the house.

I've decided I would like his grandfather to be my honorary fairy grandfather - because I would really like having a grandfather that can give that amount of assets to a grand kid!

• If Grandpa was handing him a standard 180 acre Midwestern farm, that's around $1.5 million dollars in assets.  More likely, Grandpa was giving him a lot that was "split" off of an active farm.  Agricultural land runs at between $4,000-$7,000 per acre.  
• The cost of bringing a power line onto a plot of land varies quite a bit from utility to utility - but that's between $1,000 - $6,000.
• The cost of a submersible well pump is between $150 -$300 plus labor.
• Backhoe rental for one day: $300-$500 plus labor.

Dad and Grandpa dug a basement with tractors, and then I rented forms for basement walls from the concrete company so we could set them up ourselves and save hiring labor. We put old scrap metal in the forms instead of buying rebar. The company I bought the cement from also sold me a used concrete septic tank! My dad negotiated a good deal on lumber from a building center. I bought whole pallet loads of OSB and agreed not to return any boards from the loads they delivered. For framing the walls, I bought used boards from a man who was tearing down some old buildings. The boards were rough cut and only had four or five usable feet but they were still solid. We nailed these 4’ 2”x 4”s together to make 12’ 4”x 6” studs which were spaced every two feet.

• Cost of bulldozer rental: $500 dollars per day plus labor.
• Rebar costs ~$0.75 a foot.

Good ideas:

• Using scrap metal instead of rebar if they've got it laying around.
• Cutting a deal on lumber and OSB.

Possibly a good idea:

• Saving labor costs by placing basement wall forms - but there's a trade-off of lost wages that we don't have enough information to determine if it was a good idea.
• Re-purposing used lumber to make studs IF the boards were glued as well as nailed AND the author lost no wage earning time to doing this - or counted it as a hobby. 

Don't buy used septic tanks.  It's not worth it to risk polluting your well when a new concrete septic tank costs between $600 - $1,000.  

I got a used water heater from a neighbor, which is still serving us 10 years later without trouble. I bought windows and a used door from another person. My grandpa procured some interior doors that the company he worked for was getting rid of. Some friends of my wife’s family gave us their used (but working!) washer and dryer. I also got a used fridge and stove. Instead of cabinets, I made shelves from some plywood crates I tore apart but eventually I replaced these with normal cabinets.

• I'm assuming that the word "got" means "bought" - so he probably spent around $50.00 each on the water heater, fridge and stove.   
• The used washing machine and dryer is another $100 dollars saved.  
• A cheap interior door retails for $35-$40 dollars so let's give the doors that Grandpa scored a value of $30.00 a piece.

I traded a calf to a carpenter from our church for a couple days of help, and he loaned me a book on general contracting, which was very helpful. We didn’t have high speed internet then, and I don’t recall googling how to do anything. We did all the plumbing ourselves and the wiring too.

Dude, you massively unpaid your carpenter friend if you traded him a $150.00 calf for two days of work.  That's less than $10.00 per hour if he worked for 16 hours across those two days - which is in the lowest 10% of carpenter's hourly wages in the US.   A fair trade would have been two calves for a weekend's work - or a feeder steer for a week's work.

If the general contracting book was helpful, he should have hired an electrician and a plumber.  There are a lot of projects in a house that can be completed by relatively inexperienced people without health and safety issues; electricity and plumbing are NOT in that category. 

On the other hand, if "we" is short-hand for "Dad and Grandfather who have kept a dairy farm running for x years", they were probably okay.

The week before I headed to my wedding, some friends from a few hours away drove up and helped finish mudding and painting the drywall on the main floor. The second story had no inside walls framed yet and no insulation in the roof so we lived on the first floor for a while. When I was gone on my honeymoon, my family laid some flooring and finished getting things livable. The house was only covered with house wrap, but a couple years later I put on siding.

That's a lot of labor costs saved by friends and family. 

I grew up in an older suburb of a medium sized Midwestern town.  There's no way a person could get away with having only house wrap on the outside of a house for years in a more population dense area.  People do not take kindly to having an eyesore like that dragging down property values.  Likewise, I've enjoyed mentally following all the same things that Amos' family has done at my parents' house.  We'd have had the cops called when there were cows, when someone started running excavation equipment out back and especially we started building an entire house my parent's 1/4th an acre of land. 

Why does this matter?  Most CP/QF families don't have the amount of assets available to a multi-generation dairy farm family.  Most CP/QF families don't have fathers who worked as electrical engineers.  Most CP/QF families are raising large families on (ideally) the income of the father alone - but the anti-intellectualism of CP/QF greatly limits the potential income of the men. 

Amos and his family did nothing wrong or anything immoral - but they are not the average CP/QF adherent.