Mally Family rejoices in survival after neglecting basic safety:

I had lost track of the Mally family since I finished reviewing "Before You Meet Prince Charming" and decided to go visit their blog. 

Sarah Mally has written a new book for young women that teaches them to suppress all of their negative emotions or critical thoughts under the guise of following Jesus.   I'll probably review that at some point - but I prefer getting second-hand copies so it may be a while. 

Next up, Grace Mally wrote a post about how her family was in a serious single-vehicle accident during snowy weather.    Their brother Steven was driving when he lost control on an icy area.  The heavily loaded passenger van they were driving hit a post-and-cable center median barrier and went through it.   The van rolled across two lanes of oncoming traffic before stopping on the far side of the highway. 

The accident itself is pretty normal in the northern US.  Steven was trying to pass a semi-truck on the highway.  The passing lane is often less traveled and more slick than the right-hand through traffic lane.  The air flow around semi-trucks often includes areas of increased wind pressure.  A tall vehicle like a van is at higher risk for a rollover and can act like a sail in windy times. 

What really pisses me off is that Sarah, Grace and their mother were all not wearing seatbelts at the time of the accident - in spite of known bad weather and, oh yeah, the fact that seatbelts are counted as one of the most important public safety inventions of the 1900's. 

Grace ends with an asinine reflection about how people will remain safe until God decides to bring them home.   

My take is more cynical: people survive absolutely insanely dangerous life-choices pretty regularly - but I don't think God appreciates people who skip basic precautions. 

Idiots.

Before You Meet Prince Charming: Mel's Epilogue

(Author's note: This is how I see the Princess' early married life unfolding.  Since removing the anachronisms would require writing an entirely new book, I decided to let them remain - and add a few of my own. )

Night Before Princess' Wedding

The Princess languidly watches the moon rise as she rests in the deep casement window of her bedroom.  Tomorrow she begins her real life - a life of joy,  ecstatic love and complete fulfilment as Sir Valiant's wife.

The Queen silently enters her daughter's room.  Even in the most private of moments, her regal bearing and unyielding gaze mark her as separate.

The Princess starts.  "Mother.  I didn't expect to see..."

The Queen's gesture silences her.  "On the night before I married your father, my mother gave this to me.  To honor her memory, I pass the gift on to you."

"Oh, how lovely!  Lady Gloria gave this to you?"

"Yes.  My mother was a flawed woman, I am sorry to say.  She was full of ...wrong...ideas. My mother never learned the beauty of submission to her husband much to my shame.  This pendant was her "insurance policy" for my future - a bauble for me to exchange for cash if my husband ever led me into dire times.  As I said, she was foolish and misguided - but she was my mother.  I believe she would want you to have it now."

"Thank you, Mother.  I will cherish it."

"I am glad you have it - although you will not need an insurance policy.  Goodnight, my daughter. "

Two harvests after the wedding:

"...and that will get the People ready to fight Temptation!" Valiant finished triumphantly.

The Princess started awake.  Quickly, she glanced at her husband lying next to her in bed to see if he had noticed.  Blessedly, he hadn't.

"Oh, darling!  That plan is entirely what God intended for the Kingdom.  How lucky the Kingdom is to have a brave knight like you to plan and initiate protection programs against Lies and Temptation."

Valiant glowed at his wife's praise.  "What did you do today?"

"I had the servants move the furnishings of the West Wing again. This time it is just perfect! ......   Oh! The Alligator had the most absurd idea yet.  Shall I tell you about it?"

"I wait with bated breath."

"The Alligator wanted me to be out amongst the People more!  Can you imagine?  I explained to him that you were the heir apparent and that the People needed to see you as the future King.  The People need to learn to follow you - not your wife.  My role is to demonstrate the proper submission of wife to husband just as the Kingdom will model submission of subject to king."

"Well done, darling.  You need not worry yourself over the affairs of the Kingdom.  That's....my burden...." Valiant drifted off to sleep.

The Princess shifted, unable to shake her feeling of unease.  She had wanted a husband who saw the great struggles in life and fought them.  She had wanted to be his helper and accomplish more in the Name of God than any had before. 

God had given her everything she wanted - so why did she feel empty? 

A good God-fearing wife wouldn't fall asleep while he described his newest plan - let alone question the wisdom of the plan in her heart.   

Giving herself a good shake, she resolved to try harder tomorrow to be the wife that Valiant deserved.

The next day

The Princess wandered aimless through the castle.  She found herself standing in the sweltering sunlight by the moat.

"Good morning, Princess."

"Good morning, Alligator.  My husband and I agreed that your concerns over my presence in the Kingdom are overblown and absurd - as always."

"I am sorry to hear that.  I fear you are making a grave mistake.  The People love you because you represent security - a Kingdom that prospers under stability and peace."

The Princess threw her hair back dismissively.  "They will love my husband as well!".

"The People already know your husband.  Sir Valiant is a common-born man who has contrived to become the next king.  Mind you, I like that about him.  It shows he has ambition.  But he has not ascended to the throne yet.  He needs the gloss of your nobility next to him to make the people forget who he was..."

"Alligator!  I know I am right!"

The Alligator looked at the slim figure standing above him.  The Princess' artless understanding of human nature grated on him.  And the King married her to Sir Valiant - a callow windbag!    The Alligator took a deep breath and tried again.

"My informants tell me the harvest for this year is poor.  Many in the Kingdom fear Famine and Disease will ride again."

"And I told you, Alligator, that my husband knows the important enemies of Lies and Temptation ride now.  We cannot lose sight of the enemies before us in preparation for something that may never happen."

"Sir Diomed and his wife Lady Sophia are providing supplies of grain and roots to local villagers already."

"Diomed is my cousin.  He's Uncle Justheart's younger son.  Of course,  he would help our Kingdom."

"Princess!" the Alligator hissed.  "Open your eyes before it is too late. Diomed is cunning - and hungers to see himself on a throne.  Your husband is scorned by the nobility.  The knights of the Kingdom mock him as a coward.  Neither will rise to support Valiant's claim to the Kingdom's throne if Diomed challenges him.  The People love you - but they will love the man who stands between their families and starvation more. "

The Princess stepped backwards in anger.  "I'm sure I have no idea what you are talking about, scum eater!" she spat before escaping into the castle.

The Alligator tail-slapped the water in frustration.  "I EAT GOATS!" he yelled at the pitiless sun burning above.  Sliding back to the bottom of the moat, he chewed on a fat haunch of a wether while pondering his next line of argument.  His lineage had pledged to protect and serve the Royal Family in time past.  He knew his duty; he hoped he could convince the Princess of hers before it was too late.

Four winters after the wedding

The Princess woke from a fitful sleep.  She checked on little Phoebe huddled under a worn blanket on her pallet.  Rising, the Princess tucked her threadbare comforter around her small daughter to keep her warm in the cold night.

She paced silently through the halls questioning how her life had reached this point.  She had been separate from the sinful world.  She bent her will to the will of her father, the King.  At great personal cost, she had been pure and chaste.  Her life was supposed to reflect the gladness, ease and joy that came from an unsullied girlhood.  Her marriage to the righteous Sir Valiant would spark a rebirth of Godly values in the Kingdom which would shine as a beacon of holiness through the land.

Their shared dream propelled them forward through the last years they lived in the Kingdom

The second winter after her marriage Famine and Disease moved into the Kingdom.  Diomed and Sophia's food supplies prevented Starvation from entering - but the People struggled.  Disease preyed on the weakened populace.

Cosseted by her family's wealth and preoccupied with the impending birth of her first child, the People's despair went unnoticed by the Princess.  Her father and husband spoke of the benefits that suffering would bring to the People - "iron sharpening iron" for the battle against Lies and Temptation.

Phoebe was born that summer as the crops ripened in the field and the People hoped for enough to survive the coming winter.  Sir Valiant rejoiced in his newborn daughter before departing on a mission for the King the day after her birth.  He and the King had decided that the time was right to train up young men to fight Lies and Temptation.

Valiant returned three months later jubilant in his success of training up a small, select group of believers. The Princess was proud of her husband's success towards their vision for the Kingdom.  She hid her grief over Phoebe's discomfort in the arms of her husband and never admitted to anyone that she rarely missed Valiant during their time apart.  She commiserated with her husband that his newly trained force mistakenly placed the worldly concern of harvesting crops over moving forward immediately on their mission.

The downfall of the Royal Family began with a slow, steady rain a week before the grains were ripe.  When the rain stopped, the temperature soared higher than all but the oldest People remembered.  The elderly farmers warned of grains cooking in the fields and a starvation winter.

Valiant brought that folk-tale back to the castle for the Royal Family's amusement.  How could grain cook in a field?  The People were so gullible. 

The grain crops failed.  Famine gripped the land.  Diease moved through the People.  Baby Phoebe sickened, but survived.  Her grandparents did not.

Heartbroken, the Princess and Sir Valiant greeted Sir Diomed who came to offer his condolences - and assume the throne.  As foreseen by the Alligator, the hearts and minds of the People had been won over by Sir Diomed who brought safety and salvation in the form of food. 

Sir Diomed and Lady Sophia had no reason to harm the small remnant of the Royal Family.  In fact, they had prepared a place for them in the court at Carnalville. 

There the Princess languished.  She sought to educate the people about their faulty religious beliefs - and found she could not articulate her own beliefs.  The Princess demonstrated her hard-won skills of baking, painting, goldsmithing, weaving and dyeing - and found that impartial observers found her skills to be poor.  She wanted to capture the hearts of the court for Christ - but found that she could not capture the attention of the people at court.

Hardest of all, the Princess realized that there was no companionship in her marriage.  Valiant thrived on creating large dreams.  Trapped as an inconsequential member of a foreign court, Valiant escaped by dreaming of the days when God's Plans - as shown to Valiant - would succeed and he would reign over a God-fearing Kingdom. 

There was no place in this dream for a grieving wife and a tiny daughter in small, cold rooms. 

More alone than ever before,  Princess rested against the cold wall and wondered what the future held.

Before You Meet Prince Charming: Epilogue - Part Two

We've reached the shining pinnacle of "Before You Meet Prince Charming" - Sir Valiant and the Princess are safely married and are allowed to have an emotional and sexual relationship.

That would be less concerning if they had a platonic relationship prior to engagement and marriage.  Heck, I'd feel better if I knew that they knew each other better than they know the cashier at the local grocery store.

This is most of the conversation.  I cut out a few sections where Valiant and Princess cattily bash the Alligator.  The Alligator is interesting and incisive; the model humans are not.

The moon was bright and a cool breeze kissed the cheeks of the princess and Sir Valiant as they sat talking in the Royal Garden. They had just arrived home from their honeymoon and although they were a little worn out from the trip, they were as excited as ever. It was a peaceful evening, with no noise but the crickets chirping and the leaves rustling in the wind. (pg. 245)

Before You Meet Prince Charming: Epilogue - Part One

I noticed while preparing for this post that the chapters of the book end BEFORE the Princess and Sir Valiant begin courting.  I suppose that's a stylistic choice based on the title of book and - perhaps - a dislike of ending on Chapter 13.

Personally, I'm still freaked out by the King's interpretation that Sir Valiant was asking to marry the Princess when Sir Valiant asked what qualities the King would be looking for in a suitor for the Princess.

Anyway, the King wanders off to tell the Princess that Sir Valiant, the King, and the Queen are all in favor of the Princess dating sorry, "courting" Sir Valiant.

As always, the Princess is off doing critically important stuff!

Returning from one of her frequent trips to the various villages where she joyfully and kindly met the needs of many who were fainthearted, poor, injured, and troubled. Today she had paid a special visit to her friend Maiden Flirtelia and had given counsel and encouragement to a girl named Simplicity whom she had met along the way. She also visited a sick mother and played with her children, gave some fabric to a needy family, and delivered a personal letter from her father to a village nobleman. The princess was learning again and again that it is more blessed to give than to receive. The more she delighted in her heavenly Prince, the more she wanted to share with others the fulfillment she had in Him. (pgs. 239, 241)

To recap, the Princess visited a friend, pontificated to a random kid who she'd never met before, provided minimal help to a sick woman, gave a raw material to another family and acted as a page.

 Whoo-hoo!  She managed to do two activities that Jesus wanted his followers in one afternoon.  That's a 40% return on her afternoon activities!

More seriously,  the Princess has power as a member of the Royal Family that she is squandering.  While not as powerful as a reigning monarch or the male heir to the throne, a sole daughter of marriageable age would have access to some money as well as great influence over the activities of noble families.  The Princess could be endowing orphanages,  establishing storehouses to supply goods to needy commoners or funding hospitals.  Instead, she's puttering around doing what she likes to do (e.g., play with kids) and giving away items she's finished as a hobby (e.g., fabric) and pretending that she's doing good works.

Notice as well that the Princess spends more time around children or alone than she does around people her own age or adults.  In my mind, that's an unconscious statement about the mental and emotional maturity of the Princess.

The King and the Princess meet somewhere out in the woods and walk to the castle together.  The King is noticeably distracted while the Princess talks about her day, but he brushes off her questions and changes the subject abruptly:

" My daughter"  he said, ignoring her questions, " what shall I say when one of the young men of the kingdom cometh to me to inquire about thy hand? There will be many young men at the summer contest. I would not be surprised to receive such request."

" Father, it seems that many young men seek only that which will bring pleasure or money. Some be good men, but they have not the vision for the greater tasks, nor are they willing to make the sacrifices that such tasks demand. Also, they often be proud and seek their own Glory."  She thought for a moment then continued, " it bothers me sometimes when I observe the young men in the kingdom. Do any understand the true battles of our day? Do any fight the good fight? It is this, not noble birth, that is true nobility." (pg. 241)

In real life, random commoners do not wander up to the King and ask to marry his daughter.  No.  Not going to happen.  Neither would the Princess so quickly dismiss noble birth.

Psst!  Princess!  Let me let you in on a little secret: sole bread-winners of ginormous, ever-growing families have to seek activities that bring in money all the time.  That's their main job in life besides keeping their wife pregnant yearly and being the spiritual leaders of the family.  When approached by a suitor, make sure he can bring in cold, hard cash unless you want to take a large drop in personal living standards.

The Princess derides the vision and sacrifices of the young men of the kingdom.  That's a hoot!  She lives in the lap of luxury - hell, half of the descriptions in the book read like a blurb from a linen sale catalog - but the only good she does for the community could be accomplished by an average 8 year old.  Pick up veggies for an old woman.  Play with the kids of a sick woman and orphans.  Hand fabric to a needy family.  Be a page for her father.  That's not the vision of an adult woman - so why should the readers trust her opinion of the young men of the kingdom?  I certainly don't.

Since the Princess has signaled so clearly that she'd court someone like Sir Valiant, the King continues to creep along:

Attempting to conceal his own enthusiasm, the king proceeded with another question. " My daughter, thou knowest the knight, Sir Valiant?"

The princess felt a shiver surge through her.  " Yes, thou knowest I have met him several times."

" What thinkest thou of him?" he asked calmly, rubbing his chin.

" Father, I have tried not to think of him --not because he is undesirable, but maybe because he is too desirable. I do not want to be distracted or consumed with that which is simply a dream." (pgs. 241-242)

The King has rough-rode over the Princess' thoughts, dreams and feelings through the entire book when he wasn't gaslighting her - but we are supposed to believe that he's suddenly concerned that he's unduly influencing the Princess towards Sir Valiant.  Nope, that's completely unbelievable based on everything we've seen so far in the book.

The Princess use of the word "several" should be changed to "twice in a few years plus that time I saw him announce a proclamation six years ago".   The Princess and Sir Valiant are strangers; it's way too late to try and white-wash that.

The last two paragraphs shows another insidious problem in Emo-Pure: single adults have been conditioned for years to "guard their hearts" and "keep every thought captive".  They can't instantly change that pattern of behavior even if the long-awaited suitor appears and passes inspection.

The next quote is one of the most telling in the book:

"But what thinkest thou of him?"  the king asked again.

"Of what I know he is true, he is kind-hearted, and... and he is becoming."  The princess tried to read the expression on her father's face, yet continued, " I have been impressed with everything I have seen of him. I have never talked with him at length, Father, but I have wanted to... How well do you know him?"

" Well, my fair one, your mother and I have been observing him and discussing his character. He indeed has conviction and is steadfast. He knows the battles we face and is the most zealous and faithful subject." (pg. 242)

The Princess has finally learned to parrot her father's beliefs and feelings about others back to him.

 That's the only conclusion possible for why the Princess is trying to read her father's expression while talking about the fact that she finds Sir Valiant attractive - and it's quite telling that she's mastered that immediately before she gets the reward of courtship/marriage.  Good girls who do not rock the boat by thinking, expressing unpopular opinions or having feelings get married; bad girls who do any of those things sit at home as old maids.

The main trait that the Princess knows about Sir Valiant is that he's hot.  The Princess has no way of judging Sir Valiant's "truth" or "kindness of heart" when they've met for less than two hours and have only ever exchanged small talk.   The King, on the other hand, knows that Sir Valiant says exactly what the King wants to hear.   Sir Valiant hasn't made any inroads against the Dragon or Giant that are "terrorizing" the country; I'm sure we'd have heard about that.  No, he's a good toady to the King.

Perhaps I'm being too hard on Sir Valiant.  After all, he's well on his way to moving from a random, nobody knight to heir apparent of the Kingdom.  Maybe he does have more vision than the King or the Princess.  I think Sir Valiant can see himself on the throne of the Kingdom quite clearly and gaining a conventionally beautiful, subservient, childish wife is a perk.   Most disturbingly, there's no one in the story who'd be able to see clearly enough to discern the difference between an ambitious, power-hungry usurper and a humble knight who wants to serve the Kingdom - except the Alligator who is kept on the edge of things.

After all of this, the Princess and Sir Valiant are officially courting - and I use the word officially because the King announces their courtship - or is it their engagement...Ms. Mally is very unclear about these things - at the end of the Ren-State Fair:

"Finally, he announced the news everyone was waiting to hear. Sir Valiant had won the heart of the princess! Not with talent or skill, not with words or money, not with bravery or nobility, but with a heart that was pure and a life that was true. The King was careful not to offend the other knights as he applauded the character and strength of Sir Valiant. Rather, he challenged and encourage everyone to follow the way of Truth, reminding them that God is always faithful to reward the righteous." (pg. 244)

*giggles*

 Nothing like damning by faint praise, King! Let us know how you really feel about Sir Valiant.  "He's unskilled, poor, cowardly and low-born, but hey, he's not given a hunk of his heart to anyone else, so I'm marrying him off to my daughter!"

Honestly, that's poor writing construction.  The purpose of that section is to demonstrate that Sir Valiant's most important quality is his pure heart and clean, brave living.  Stacking his skills first - "He guards the Kingdom from..... His bravery during.... His service to the Crown...." followed by "Above all of these things, his heart and life shines as an example (blah, blah, blah)".  Now, the same point is made - without making Sir Valiant sound like the town idiot.

In historical terms, this would be marked as the watershed moment that lead up to the fall of the house of the King.  The King has chosen his heir apparent to be a young, unconnected commoner who has accomplished nothing in defense of the Kingdom.  It doesn't matter how carefully the King tries not to offend the other knights; his actions speak far louder than his words - and implying that Sir Valiant is God's chosen due to his righteousness isn't going to go over well, either.

There is one last section in the book - a stilted conversation between the Princess and her husband SirValiant when they return from their honeymoon.  This is supposed to be inspiring - but I found it insipid, depressing and unnerving instead.

Before You Meet Prince Charming: Chapter Twelve - Part Two

Let's see.  We've learned that God does not arrange marriages through the unholy love child of a Renaissance-State Fair.  That's proof for a loving and merciful God, I suppose.

Next we find out that one knight is not preparing for the fair.  Sir Valiant is busy doing other tasks that are critical for the safety of the kingdom - and apparently so secret that even the readers can't know what they are.

A quick recap on Sir Valiant: On top of a virtue-signalling name, we know the King likes him, that he is busy fighting Lies (the Dragon) and Temptation (the Giant), and that the Princess has a crush on him.  She's seen him twice - once when he was proclaiming a message when she was 16 and once for a short conversation when she was 21.

Sir Valiant approaches the castle to have a chat with the king:

"The same knight of the kingdom was riding alone in the early summer along the stone road to the castle. The wind blew through this dark hair as he rode with dignity on his noble white steed. Crossing the bridge over the moat, the night heard an unexpected voice.

"From whence cometh ye?"

Looking around, the knight saw the alligator down below. "From yonder villages on the edge of the kingdom," he answered.

" Be ye on important business?" asked the alligator.

" Be ye the castle receptionist?" returned the knight. "(pg. 223)

Wow.  That first paragraph manages to be purple prose without using ostentatious adjectives.  I'm impressed between giggles.  Does anyone in this kingdom ever have a bad hair day or a crabby horse?  

The advantage to a poorly characterized Sir Valiant is that I visualize Prince Humperdink from the movie "The Princess Bride" every time Sir Valiant appears.  After all, we know so little about Sir Valiant's internal motivations that he may well be planning to marry the Princess then stage her murder to start a war.

Sir Valiant's snappy comeback to the Alligator made me laugh.  I think that's the only time I laughed from intended humor in the entire book.

"So then," the alligator ask curiously, " comest thou for the princess?"

"My business, oh wise one, is to report of the battles of the kingdom," the knight answered.

"Battles? Oh my! Have we not peace throughout the borders? This be news to me."

"We have not peace, o great counselor. I thought thou saidth that thou wast wise. Dragons and giants do roam the land."

" Such news be nonsense," replied the reptile. " Thou art beginning to sound as foolish as the princess. I have not seen a giant in years, though a dragon or two have visited on occasion."

"They have terrorized the land. Much damage has been done," declared the knight.

" I cannot speak for Giants, but I fear that you misjudge dragons. They are often misunderstood," spoke the alligator. " Let them be. They intend no harm."

" Thy words remind me of the evil dragon himself, oh superb analyst. Didst thou at one time live in a garden? I'm pleased to hear that the princess is not taken in by thy words." (pgs. 223-225)

I see two giant issues within this section.  First, let's discuss the literary issues.  When writing an allegory that has virtue and vice characters, the characters exist and fully live within the allegory.  The Kingdom is being terrorized by Lies the Dragon and Temptation the Giant - but no one outside of the Royal Family and Sir Valiant seem to be aware of their existence.  We learned in the last passage that the knights and men of the kingdom are so eager for advancement that they are spending the summer training for the King's Ren-State Fair.  That implies that they are unaware of - or unconcerned about - the dragon and giant that are "terrorizing" the land.  

This is also the section where the choice of a dragon to represent lies becomes clunky.  The Bible describes the critter in the garden who tempts Adam and Eve as a serpent. In the allegory, the Alligator generally tempts the Princess to flee from the CP/QF path.  Based on that trajectory, the most coherent choice for allegorical characterization would be Temptation the Snake.  Making that change would keep the point of the allegory while removing the jarring disconnect at the end when Sir Valiant combines the dragon, the serpent in Genesis 1, and the alligator into one incoherent mishmash.

Lies could be represented by the Giant - but I'm still completely unclear about why lies or temptation are represented by a Giant.  Both are far more sneaky and unobtrusive than a 30 foot tall man carrying a club.

Here's the practical problem: this section is a perfect metaphor for how CP/QF adherents live in modern society.  CP/QF believers get completely up-in-arms about "issues" that are non-starters for the rest of society like women should wear skirts all the time, hormonal birth control causing miscarriages, the myth of supporting a family on one-income of a poorly educated male or leaving number and spacing of children up to "God" (e.g., sheer chance).  THIS is how CP/QF adherents sound to the rest of society - but they have no idea how insane they sound.

Most interesting of all - by the time Sir Valiant leaves he's spent more time talking to the Alligator than to the Princess.

The knight had spoken of these matters with the king many times previously. He did, however, have another purpose for this visit to the king. He had long noticed and thought about the princess and sought, whenever the discussion allowed, to bring questions of her into the conversation as naturally as possible. He had often look for ways to talk about her without disclosing his personal interest. But he had decided that today was going to be different --it would be a day to speak of the matter more plainly. (pg. 225)

Sir Valiant sounds like a lovelorn teenager who doesn't want other people to know he has a crush on the Princess but doesn't realize that he talks about the Princess incessantly.  It's a great characterization of the average teenager - but is Sir Valiant supposed to be that inexperienced and unskilled in social skills?

Equally unexplained is why Sir Valiant has waited years to approach the King about his interest in the Princess.  Seriously, Sir Valiant has been making attempts at bringing the Princess into conversations for multiple years - what has stopped him from saying "I'd like to court the Princess, please."  

Either way, the knight finally makes it into the castle, asks to see the king and is taken into a "private conference room" (pg. 225).  Yup, yup, castles totally have those.  *eye twitches convulsively* 

The King and Sir Valiant chat about the problems facing the Kingdom before Sir Valiant subtly asks the King what the Princess thinks about the upcoming Ren-State Fair.  The King uses fancy language to state that the Ren-State Fair is beneath the notice of a Godly Princess who cares about the people.  (You know, the Princess who helps people once every two years between epic moping sessions in the castle.....that Godly Princess.) 

Sir Valiant - who is suddenly more afraid than he's been in battle against magical critters - politely asks what the King is looking for in a suitor for the Princess.  

The King interprets that as the equivalent of Sir Valiant asking to marry the Princess.  Most strangely of all, this massive, terrifying misunderstanding doesn't phase Sir Valiant at all.  He doesn't run away screaming.  He doesn't blanch or avoid social situations where the King or Princess will be; he just takes it in stride.  

"Why asketh thou for her hand?" questioned the king. " Why doth she please thee?"

" Sire, though she be a princess, I've seen no greater servant. And though she be beautiful, she gloweth even more greatly within. And, my Lord, though she hath opportunity to meet many a knight, she falls for none because she seeketh one. I find not, Sire, another maiden in the kingdom that be of such mind, heart, and demeanor."

" Thou hast answered well, Sir Valiant. And not only with thy words, for I have observed also thy loyalty, diligence, faithfulness, and understanding. It would please me to give my daughter and my blessing to such as thyself. I shall talk to the princess and her mother on my behalf."

The king spoke briefly with the queen, but they needed not a long discussion, for they had spoken of Sir Valiant many times before and had observed his faithful service. They knew of no other young man in the kingdom with his understanding and stature. The queen was delighted, as the king knew she would be. Then the king walked outside to meet the princess. (pg. 226)

*rubs head to relieve ache from thumping against the desk* 

Describing a princess as being a "great servant" is the type of faux pas that leads to nobles falling from favor and diplomatic alliances between countries to break down.    "No, King, seriously, she's a great charwoman!  I love how she can work for hours like a peasant!" is a great way for Sir Valiant to spend the rest of his life in one of those remote, tiny villages in the hinterlands of the kingdom.

The rest of the first paragraph is a joke.  Glowing from within means fairly little when heroine is already a drop-dead gorgeous princess with everything money can buy.   The princess has no discernable virtue at keeping her heart pure; she's met one knight - Sir Eloquence - whom she did like in a wishy-washy way after a while before he was run off by the King.  After that, the Princess has been kept hermetically sealed in the castle and reproached about Sir Eloquence every time she wants to socialize.  Ms. Mally should have dropped "mind" and "heart" from the list; all Sir Valiant knows about the Princess from his two interactions with her is a bit about her demeanor.

I can't figure out why the King thinks he knows much about Sir Valiant.  In the book, the King has meetings with Sir Valiant....and that's it.  I have no idea how Sir Valiant would prove loyalty or faithfulness - the plot ignores any issues within the Kingdom like factions.  Really, at this point, Sir Valiant seems like a toady to the King - a yes-man who parrots what the King wants to hear back regardless if that information is true or accurate.

So...like the ideal husband for a CP/QF girl, actually.  

I think we've reached the heart of the "singleness" curse afflicting CP/QF young adults.  Men won't ask to court women because asking to court is the equivalent of getting engaged - without having a chance to determine how compatible two people are.  Women are secretly relieved on some level because suitors are being chosen on how well they impress her father rather than how well the couple suit each other.  

Dating is sounding more and more appealing the farther into the book we get.

Before You Meet Prince Charming: Chapter Twelve - Part One

Goody-goody-gumdrops!  The end is in sight this book.  I'm so excited.

"Know That God Arranges Marriages" is the last titled chapter in the book.  I expected to learn something about how God arranges the Princess' marriage to Sir Valiant, but most of the allegory centers on Sir Valiant chatting with the Alligator about the dangers in the land followed by the King and Valiant discussing the dangers in the land.  At the very end of the allegory, Sir Valiant finally works up the courage to ask the King if he can....marry?....court?.....have some sort of relationship with the Princess.

The allegory begins with Sir Gallant and a non-descript delegation telling the King that it's time to marry his daughter off and that they recommend having a contest to determine who the best option would be.

My main thought was that the Kingdom is in worse shape than I expected if the King's closest counselors are worried about the complete and total absence of marriage plans for the Princess and the only solution they can find is "let's use her as a prize in a talent competition!"  The book has been prattling on about how the People look up the Princess and her pure, untouched ways; this section shows that the average person in the Kingdom is more confused or pessimistic about the Royal Family's ability to marry off their daughter than inspired by their ways.

The King wants to know more so the delegation fills him in on the details:

"Your Majesty, the contest would be open to all the young men of the kingdom. It would not be a small event but would span the sum of three days. An array of games and competitions would be held, including all forms of combat, many skills of the farm & craft, the ability of debate, and a concluding jousting match. Then at a great feast the king himself shall judge and announce the victor." (pg. 221)

• I know this section wasn't meant to be funny - but I'm cracking up.  The Princess is the prize for the Champion of Champion of Champions at the Kingdom's State Fair!
• In real life, I'm an excellent detail person; give me your "big picture" idea and I'll flesh in how to get it done.  That's why this paragraph is killing me.  
• We need to create competition games for ALL forms of combat?  Are we trying to find a husband for the Princess or decimate the Kingdom's military?   How do you test the skill level of a pikeman without killing anyone?  
• The farmers are going to be mad.  Producing champion crops requires advance notice.  Are you awarding on yield or size?  Yield is more fair on short notice - but how will you prevent rampant lying on crop yields?  Do you have access to enough forage and water for the animals to be judged?
• The guilds - the same 5 or more guilds the Princess is a member of - will want to be consulted on judging the works of their master craftsmen.  Don't let the King be that judge; that will NOT go over well at all.
• Public debates aren't a thing in the Middle Ages; people had far more interesting forms of entertainment.
• So...jousting IS a form of military combat - not a separate category.  People love to watch it, but the practitioners are limited to fairly wealthy people.
• I have no clue how to determine the overall winner picked from the champions of combat, farming, crafts and public speaking.  Picking the champion of champions within each discipline is hard enough - but determining a ranking for the four champions will be a nightmare.  Honestly, this whole process is more likely to destabilize the kingdom than lead to a happy marriage.  

The delegation waited for the king's response as he thought for few moments. What would the princess think? Someone who could be champion of the games would certainly be able to protect her, but this would not ensure that his life purpose would be the same as that of the princess. He who showed himself superior in the skills of farm & craft would be able to provide for her, but would she love him? The debate would be won by Sir Eloquence. That would not do. And jousting? This would be entertaining and a good jousting match is popular --but would all of this determine God's choice?

Finally the king answered, " I will discuss this and give thee an answer tomorrow." (pg. 222)

Ms. Mally missed the lesson on the Divine Right of Kings and the practical applications therein.  The King is king because God wants the King to be king.  Likewise, God clearly wants the Princess to be the next queen regnant (or queen consort) of the Kingdom.  The primary concern of any reigning monarch is producing an undisputed biological heir who had the ability to defend the Kingdom from incursions by other states.  The preference for male heirs was due to patriarchy - but also a reflection of the realities of leading an army for many nations.  (Of course, a half-a-dozen examples of regnant queens who led armies are now cascading through my head....but you get the gist.)

In that basic reality of reigning, the King's concerns are absolutely anachronistic.

• God's Choice is the King's choice; the King's choice is God's choice.  There is no separation of those two ideas during this time period.
• The Princess has two options: marry the choice of the King or ally with an armed rebellion to place her choice of husband on the throne after deposing her parents.  Since the Princess has the mental fortitude of wet tissue paper,  she's going to marry the King's choice for her; the King can choose him however he wants to. 
• Marrying the Princess off to the best military commander - which is how I'm interpreting the champion of the games including jousting - is a safe bet if and only if the King is under severe threats that are external to the Kingdom and the King must keep the commander loyal to him.   If the commander isn't loyal - or decides the King is going to destroy the kingdom before the King dies - a civil war may begin.
• The life purpose of a non-reigning female royal is to produce male heirs.  That's it - and yes, being a champion of games will not assure male heirs - but that's not what Ms. Mally meant, unfortunately.
• There is no situation where the Princess would be married off to a farmer, a guild member or a bard (otherwise known as the champions of farm, craft and debate respectively) because they are all commoners.    The Princess might marry a member of the nobility as long as the marriage wouldn't destabilize the King's reign.  
• The best outcome for the Kingdom would come from an eligible prince from an allied kingdom who has several healthy older brothers showing up for the joust and winning.  This would create the dynastic marriage that a sane king would have lined up for a female successional heiress.  

The evening meal was an interesting time. The servants were intrigued, the princess was resistant, and the queen was horrified. The king just smiled and listen to the multitude of responses. In the morning he gave his answer. "The contest shall be held! But not for the hand of the princess. The victor shall receive a silver sword with a golden hilt. The hand of the princess, however, shall be reserved for one of God's choosing. " (pg. 222)

If the Princess is resistant and the Queen is horrified, why is the King smiling and listening to the servants?  Clearly, the King is insane.

Hhe's offering a silver sword with a gold hilt to the winner of the contest; that's insane as well.  Metals have different properties that drive their uses.  Gold and silver are both soft metals; they are easy to shape - but also easy to deform and tear.  A blade made out of silver would be absolutely worthless in a fight; it would be sliced in half on the first hit by a blade made of bronze let alone iron or steel.  The hilt of gold is equally worthless since the tang of a good blade would rip through the gold on the first hit.  Seriously, the best thing to do with this award sword is to make it into jewelry; that's the traditional use of gold and silver for a reason.

Oh, geez.  I meant this allegory to be a one-post review, but the anachronisms did it for me.  Well, we get to hear the Alligator chat with Sir Valiant next time.

Before You Meet Prince Charming: Chapter Ten - Part Two

This section of Chapter Ten is where Sarah Mally tries her hand at explaining why Emotional Purity (called Emo-Pure by me) is a concept that all people should follow.  I will allow you to draw your own judgements on how well she sells the concepts.

She starts off this section with an anecdote from her childhood:

'"Sarah," my mom said to me one afternoon when I was little, " you know Mr. and Mrs. Alden at our church? Well, did you know that their very first kiss was at their wedding? Just think how special it would be if you saved your first kiss for your wedding! I wish Daddy and I had done that."

I wasn't very old at the time, but I still remember the impact of her words. Right then, even though I was very young, I made a decision: I was going to save my very first kiss for my wedding!' (pg. 184)

• Decisions made in early childhood are not legally binding for good reason.  Kids lack the life experience and cognitive development to make long-term decisions on their own behalf. 
• This anecdote explains an issue that recurs throughout the book: The Princess is completely unable to articulate WHY anyone should adhere to Emo-Pure besides "My Dad said I should!". Now we know why - Sarah Mally is still functioning at a early childhood level of thought on this issue.
• Thought experiment: does Emo-Pure work if no one knows that a couple observed Emo-Pure rules?  Sarah Mally's mother knows that the Aldens had their first kiss at their wedding - but why does she know?  Is Emo-Pure about protecting a future marriage or gaining social status in the local congregation?  At this point, Emo-Pure feels more like a decoration at a wedding than an action to strengthen a marriage.

Next, Sarah attempts to shoehorn a metaphor involving cake into an explanation of Emo-Pure.  This might be triggering if food-based purity metaphors bother the reader - but I found the need for an editor far more irritating.....

"Suppose you made a beautiful birthday cake. It was a rich chocolate cake with homemade vanilla frosting. You spent all afternoon taking the time to make sure it was flawless. You decorated it carefully with frosting, flowers, leaves, and lettering, and added a few fresh cherries for the final touch. Then, enjoying the aroma of a freshly baked chocolate cake, you left it on the counter so that it would be ready for the birthday party." (pg. 184)

• I hate when people put vanilla frosting on chocolate cake.  Always have hated it; always will.  Because of that personal quirk, I'm turned off by this theoretical cake.  
• The third sentence combines two major pet peeves of mine from CP/QF home schools gone wrong.  
• Lists need to be made with care.  Since Mally led off with "frosting" and didn't use any adjectives, I am now imagining a cake that has botanical flowers and leaves along with peel-and-stick  poster letters.  At this point, the imaginary cake is a gross mess in my mind.
• Adults should be cognizant of sexual metaphors in their language.  Don't add cherries to a cake that represents emotional purity; that's a sexual purity thing.  (I'm having flashbacks of Debi Pearl's repeated use of "Tie a ribbon around it and put it in your Treasure Chest" in Preparing to Be a Help Meet.)
• This might just be me but I can't smell cakes after they are frosted.  On the other hand, I'm glad she pulled out some adjectives to describe the cake.

"Then suppose I came along, saw the cake, and feeling a little hungry, decided to cut a piece for myself. Just as I was eating my last bite, you return to the counter and found your beautiful cake --with a piece missing. So much for all your work making sure each detail of every flower looked perfect. As far as you are concerned, the cake is ruined. There's not time to make a new one. How will it look when you serve it at the party? After all your meticulous work to make it just perfect, how would you feel about my careless attitude?

What if I suggested that you bake another piece of cake to fill in the empty space? Obviously, my advice would irritate you even more. " Of course not," you'd say. " The cake is ruined. It will never look the same again." (pgs. 184-185)

• I'm curious who the hell looks at an uncut cake that says "Happy Birthday, Buddy O'Mine!" and decides to cut a piece for themselves.  We've had birthday cakes be dropped, eaten by a dog and stepped on by a cat but we've never had a person help themselves to a cake prematurely.
• Sarah and I see this situation very differently.  For her metaphor to work, the cake must be ruined.  In my life, I see this as a time to get creative.  I don't need to make an entire new one; I need to disguise the missing piece.  My first attempt would be to make a posterboard cube slightly wider than the missing piece to fill up the hole and then frost over the posterboard.  
• If a person asked me to bake a single piece of cake, I'd be more irritated about their shoddy command of the English language.  You bake a cake that is cut into pieces.  You could bake a small cake or even a cupcake.  You cannot bake a single piece of cake.  
• Mostly unrelated: My husband's grandfather used to send local teenagers out to dig half a hole in the yard on their first day of working on the farm.  Apparently, it was a good lesson in asking questions when the directions don't make sense.....and far cheaper than dealing with mistakes involving cows or equipment later on.
• What is the most important attribute of a birthday cake?  Honestly, the external look is nice, but I appreciate the effort that goes into making or obtaining the cake much more.  My second most important attribute after loving effort is taste.  (Of course, the cake I made for my husband's birthday devolved into a cake-slide because the moist red velvet cake + cherry filling destabilized the bottom layer so the weight of the frosting on the sides started ripping sections of the cake apart. Looked horrible; tasted great; decent story, too.)

"A Proverbs 31 Woman will do her husband good, not evil, all the days of her life (Prov. 31:12). One of the best ways you can do good to your future husband today, even if you don't know him yet, is by protecting your heart so that it will be completely his. Your heart is a priceless treasure that you are saving for one. How will your future husband feel if you have already given pieces of your heart to others and can offer him only a partially eaten cake? He wants a cake baked just for him, not ones with pieces missing that other so tasted first. He wants the whole thing --not just part. One day you will long to give him your whole heart --but in order to give it later, you must protect it now." (pg. 185)

• This paragraph took me three separate tries to read into my transcription software because I would start laughing so hard at the mixed - or should I say mixed-up - metaphors!  
• The whole "giving pieces of hearts away" tripe is a metaphor to start with; people don't carve out chunks of heart tissue to exchange with each other.  Ms. Mally clearly lost track of that tidbit of information.  That's funny enough - but doubling-down with the "partially eaten cake"  analogy in the same sentence makes the whole paragraph sound like a SNL skit.  
• I've taken to asking random men I know from college to post-retirement age if they prefer a cake baked just for him OR a cake that someone has eaten pieces of first. The general consensus is that cake is cake.  
• The Emo-Pure interpretation of Proverbs 31:12 is beyond strange.  The sane interpretation of that verse is that a wife should do good things from the time she becomes a wife until her death.  The Emo-Pure interpretation forces women to behave as a wife prior to marriage - even prior to looking for a spouse!  
• The Biblical basis for Emo-Pure is extremely scant.  At best, Emo-Pure will hook together Proverbs 31:12 with a few snippets from the Pauline Epistles before declaring that God really wants us to be emotionally pure.  The problem comes with the fact that nowhere does the Bible explicitly address emotional purity.  
• The Bible does have sections that address prohibited sexual relationships - but even that is pretty slim compared to sections entitled "Being nice to others in our group", "Being nice to others outside our group", or even "Worshiping other gods leads to punishments meted out by God".
• There are plenty of counter-examples to Emo-Pure as well.  Abigail essentially betrayed her husband by CP/QF standards and married David after Nabal died.  Abigail must have had some emotional connection to her first husband - but she married David.  Boaz didn't tell Ruth that they couldn't be married since she'd been emotionally entwined with her first husband.  
• Don't marry someone who expects to have the entirety of your heart - that's the first warning sign of an abuser who will isolate you from friends and family.  Chunks of your heart will have already been given away to your immediate family and close friends.

"Emotional Purity is hardly even considered possible in our present society. But think of it this way: how would your future husband feel if he knew that some other guy had known your deepest thoughts, dreams, fears, and emotions? What would he think if some other man had known you even better than he himself knows you? Or how would you like it if some other girl had dozens of long, deep, intimate conversations with your husband and knew practically everything there was to know about him?" (pg. 186)

• I've been thinking about this a lot: has there been any society in which Emo-Pure has been a real, widespread concern?  I can think of plenty of societies where sexual purity for women has been obsessed over - and nearly as many where romantic love is viewed as only possible outside of marriage. The idea of emotional purity saved for a life-long monogamous marriage is a new invention.  This is one of those areas where a strong liberal arts background gives a stronger understanding of how human cultures have work throughout time.
• The rest of the paragraph is from a different universe.  
• Lives are built forward in time, not backwards.  Thoughts, dreams, fears and emotions change over time.  Even if a guy adheres to Emo-Pure, the fact that a woman has had an emotional relationship with a different man means very little about their emotional relationships going forward.
• Presuming to read a future husband's mind is a bad idea.  I find it much easier to ask my real husband his opinion when needed.  My husband's reply when I asked him if he cared that when we met other men had known me better than he knew me at that point was a blank stare followed by "That book is on crack, you know."

Having worked herself into an emotional climax, Sarah Mally decides to explain all of the things you can save for doing with your future spouse.  Alas, due to some editorial quirks, my husband and I have ruined our 6-month old son permanently.

"You see, there is more than just your first kiss and your physical purity that you can save. There are many other "firsts" that will be very special if you make them special by saving them for the right time rather than trying to generate romance with every young man you know. Sure, most girls your age treat all these things casually. Sure, they might be having fun now, but how is it going to affect their marriages later? Think how meaningful each of these first can be, when shared with that special someone:

First expression of interest

First words of affection or love

First gift given or received

First romantic look into his eyes

First trip together

First special song, place, event, or memory

First ring

First dinner date

First personal letter expressing emotions

First I love you

First piece of your heart given

First serious or ongoing correspondence with a young man

First special affectionate nickname or actions

First kiss

I know this section was supposed to be deep, but I kept laughing while trying to read it out loud.  People aren't supposed to express interest, affection, or love to their kids apparently.  No gifts or trips.  No songs or nicknames.  That sounds painfully sterile.  Although - not as painful as cutting a chunk of heart muscle out for someone else does.

I'm trying to imagine reading work emails from a young man who is trying to avoid emotion, seriousness or on-going correspondence with me.  That's not going to end well.

Equally weird are the categories that are so broad as to be useless: place, event, memory or actions.
The chapter goes on for several more pages and gets less and less coherent.  At one point, Ms. Mally compares choosing to drink a cafe mocha in the afternoon and staying up all night from the caffeine even though she knows that will happen to making bad choices in dating.  This is followed immediately by comparing the benefits of Emo-Pure to the time her sister wanted a cool place to eat some early strawberries so her sister carried them up to the top of a tree one by one and ate them there.

I've got nothing left; once an author has compared choosing a drink and eating strawberries in a tree to dating, they are clearly out of touch with reality.

The entire next chapter is about getting to know Jesus.  I'm skipping it entirely.  The allegory is unintentionally hilarious - the Princess talks to the Alligator about her new "boyfriend" - who obviously is Jesus - without explaining that explicitly.   The Alligator thinks she's losing her mind - and I agree.

Chapter Twelve explains how God arranges marriages.  

Before You Meet Prince Charming: Chapter 10 - Part 1

In exciting news, we are rapidly approaching the end of this book!  We are on chapter 10 of a 13 chapter book.  I plan on skipping Chapter 11 entirely; the chapter revolves around the Princess rejoicing in her newfound relationship with Christ and Sarah Mally's ideas on how we can find Christ.

Chapter Ten is titled "Reserved For One".  This is the chapter that Ms. Mally decides to explain what Emo-Pure means.  Like most of the previous chapters, this one begins with the Princess having conversation with the Alligator.  Forgive me if I've brought this up before, but the Princess always rises to the bait of arguing with the Alligator.  The fact that she's got no skills at walking away from an annoying peer is really sad.  The Alligator's theme - as always - is that the Princess is throwing her life away by sitting alone in a castle waiting for someone to come and marry her.

The Alligator's first attack is on how the Princess will be perceived by her future suitor:

"(...)the alligator continued: "When your non-existent hero does show up, he will think that because you have never been kissed, have never been loved, have never been swept off your feet, that apparently you are not worth the effort. No one has sought after you before --so why should he? Thou wilt be looked upon as a second-class, unwanted maiden. "

"As far as I am concerned, any fellow who thinks that way may just as well go after some other maiden who is more lovable, more popular, more easily caught --and who has already given her heart to a dozen other Prince Charmings, " she said, stroking Victory's mane." (pg. 180)

• The Alligator's argument is a rare insight into how people within CP/QF think people outside of CP/QF think.   Apparently, men who date weigh the opinions of other men (e.g., "How many men have dated this girl before?") as more important than their own feelings (e.g., "I find the Princess attractive").   
• On the flip side, there is truth - based on my observations as an outsider - that women have a harder time finding suitable partners in CP/QF/courtship culture than in the wider US culture especially as they reach their mid-to-late twenties and beyond.  
• In the broader US culture, many people are unmarried in their late twenties and thirties.  No one needs to explain why a guy or girl hasn't married at 32; they were building a career, still growing up or hadn't met the right person yet.  Since the vast majority of adults in the US work for wages while single, couples who meet and marry later often have more secure financial footing than younger couples.  
• Compare that with CP/QF single women.  Their education is often severely curtailed. Working outside the home is allowed, but can't be a sign of starting a career.  These two things limit their income by limiting their jobs to retail, housekeeping, or a home business.  I suspect most of the woman's income is appropriated by her parents to raise the mob of younger kids still at home. 
• The main difference between an unmarried 20 year-old woman and an unmarried 30 year-old woman is that the 30-year-old woman has lost 10 years of reproductive capacity which gives a finished family size of 3-8 fewer children than the 20-year-old.  Unfortunately, that's not as attractive to an unmarried CP/QF man as it probably should be....
• The Princess describes women who date as being "more loveable" than herself.  I wonder if that was a Freudian slip.  I personally think that Emo-Pure extracts a heavy toll on its followers and creates people who are afraid to love and be loved; I'm surprised that Ms. Mally has the same thought and is willing to admit it.
• I wish the authors of Emo-Pure books like Ms. Mally and the Mss. Botkin could hear how catty/bitchy they sound to outsiders when they slut-shame unnamed women who date.  It's not attractive - not to other women and sure as hell not to men.   

The Alligator's second attack is on the likelihood that Prince Charming has not been emotionally pure:

"Listen to me for once," said the alligator in the more serious tone. "You say you will be pure --and perhaps you will be, living in this sheltered little prison. But, I tell you, your dreams will be shattered when you learn that your magnificent knight hath not done the same. Do you not see? You live in a changing world; there is not even one man alive who has saved himself for you. Search the whole world and I guarantee it, you will not find a single one."

" Even if you prove to be right, even if no true gentleman yet exist, I still choose the way of purity. It is not an earthly knight for whom I ultimately save myself, but a heavenly One. " (pg. 180)

• The earth-shaking problem with falling in love with a man who isn't Emo-Pure is that the Princess would be forced to examine her ideas in depth.  Heck, we can do some softball questions here:
• What happens if the Princess falls in love with a young Emo-Pure widower?  They've both played the romantic game by the "right" rules - but he's given a chunk of his heart to another woman who is dead.  Is the Princess supposed to be eaten alive with jealousy of a woman who died young?  
• What happens if the Princess falls in love with someone who doesn't care about Emo-Pure?  (I suspect that happens a lot in the real world; Emo-Pure is a niche belief, after all.)  
• Can the Princess deal with the fact that her "best gifts" of a heart that's never loved someone romantically and being a virgin mean absolutely nothing to most people
• What if the man loves her for her good qualities - her spunkiness, her dedication to her family, her ability to earn guild memberships like levels in a game - while having no strong feelings about an untouched heart and body?  
• Would she have a Shoshanna Pearl - like breakdown if he replied "That's great that you followed Christ in the way you thought you should!  Good on you!  That may bring great spiritual rewards; I just don't think it matters towards having a good marriage."
• An ongoing problem for me is that the protestations of female Emo-Pure writers that they are saving themselves for Christ ring hollow to me.  I think I know why now.  I am Catholic so I've known plenty of women who have chosen to save themselves for Christ alone.  These women didn't just pay lip-service to this ideal relationship with Christ; they became sisters or nuns. They made a public commitment starting a year at a time and ending at a life-long commitment to live their lives for Christ alone - off the marriage market and subject to following the orders of other women in their community.  To me, CP/QF writers using that same idea feels like someone who apes being in the military without ever joining up -  a shallow, self-centered shadow of the real level of commitment. 

After this, the Princess is verbally dismissive of the Alligator and the Alligator swims off.  Since this book is formulaic as hell, take a wild guess what the next portion of the chapter is.  Yes, the Princess ends up sulking - or pondering her life choices - in a sumptuously furnished area of the castle.  (I don't remember where this time and it's not worth the effort of getting the book from across the room.) After a while, she decides she should talk to her parents about her feelings.  She transverses the castle to her parents' area of the castle while the omnipotent narrator notes the gorgeous furnishings.  Oddly missing are the masses of attendants that would have accompanied her, her governess or main lady in waiting, and - oh, yeah - the ENTIRE QUEEN'S LIVING QUARTERS!  (Sorry.  I know I promised I'd try to let the anachronisms go, but Jesus H. Christ, read a single book on the time period before writing a novel set at that time.)

For the first time in the book, her parents attempt to comfort her.  I like the change of pace, but after nine chapters of emotionally absent, gas-lighting parents,  I doubt this is a permanent change.

"Do not be discouraged by all the imperfect young men, dear," her mother comforted her. "After all, it only takes one to get married."

"But is it true what the alligator says, that men will look upon those who are pure as unwanted and therefore less valuable? " the princess asked.

"Less valuable? Why, even common sense tells you what you have waited for the longest you value the most, " said the king. " A true gentleman wants to win your heart. He does not want you to come running up to him and pour it out freely. He wants to earn your respect and admiration, but you must give him a chance to try." (pg 182)

• The bromide that "you only need one guy to get married" drove me nuts when I was single.  We live on a planet with 4 billion men.  The problem for me was sifting through guys who were not right for me - and in some cases just plain wrong for anyone - to find a right guy.  Plus, I was frustrated enough as an adult woman in a metropolitan area of the Great Lakes who was allowed to date.  I am dumbfounded that any members of CP/QF manage to marry between the restrictions on interactions between genders and the massive heap of theological issues that have to be in alignment.
• In excellent form, the King manages to not answer the Princess' question again.  She asks "What if following Emo-Pure makes me less attractive to men?" while the King answers the question "How does the amount of time someone wants a certain object affect how much they value that object once obtained?"  I suspect the true answer of "Well, following Emo-Pure is a wash in terms of how attractive a man finds you, but it sure does make it harder to meet anyone of interest" wouldn't go over so well.
• The king's spiel on what a gentleman wants in a courtship baffles me.  A guy doesn't want a girl to give him her heart too easily - but don't make it too hard either.  I don't get how walking in a nearly undefined area between "too easy" and "too hard" is better than dating.  It's like trading walking on a wobbly log over a creek where you'll probably fall off once or twice but there's no permanent harm done for walking a tightrope 20 feet in the air above the same creek.  You will fall off - and you will get hurt when you fall.  The surreal part is that parents ascribe to this philosophy because it will avoid heartache for their kids - but the cost is horrific.

Let's see.  Next post might be triggering for people who don't like food-based purity metaphors - but it triggered peals of laughter in me.  

Before You Meet Prince Charming: Chapter Nine - Part Four

We have reached the climax anecdote for the chapter entitled "Dreams Must Die".  I think the point that Ms. Mally has been trying to make is that Christians must be willing to sacrifice all of their wishes, wants and desires to follow Christ.  Due to her choice of stories, the point she has made so far is that if Christians offer to sacrifice their dreams to Jesus, their dreams will come true in ways that are superior to what they hope for.

Let's see what lessons await in the last story of the chapter.

Shattered Dreams

A confused 21 year old girl thought frequently about the man she loved. But did he love her? They dated for three years. He asked her to marry him. She had joyfully agreed. The wedding date was set -- and then -- her dreams were shattered. He had changed his mind. Or at least he had changed his mind for the time being. He said that he still loved her, but he wasn't ready to get married. He postponed the wedding. Worst of all, he postponed it indefinitely! She had no idea when he would actually decide --if ever! She might be waiting for the rest of her life. (pg. 175)

• In my family, this girl would be viewed as having received a "get out of jail free!" card.  Having an engagement broken off is heart-breaking in the short term, but marrying someone who is that immature, unstable and/or callous towards their responsibilities is far worse.  The man in this relationship leaves the woman he supposedly loved with having to rescind all of the wedding plans completed so far plus deal with the social ramifications.  
• From my view, the most problematic portion of this story is that the relationship has been thrown into a nebulous state where the guy has all the power.  The guy decides when and if they get married.  There is no discussion of what obligations that the man needs to honor. Is he paying for deposits that have been made already?  Does he need to explain that he called off the wedding to their friends?  Does the guy care about the emotional turmoil he's caused in his fiancee's life because he didn't have his shit in order before getting engaged?  Is he seeking counseling?
• The woman is setting up a horrible precedent for her life.  Actions have consequences and breaking off an engagement should have immediate consequences in a relationship.  I suspect that the guy broke off the engagement at least in part because he knew he could without any personal consequences.   After all, the woman is apparently willing to wait forever for him to be ready after he ruptured their relationship soon after promising to make the relationship permanent!  I don't know if I would ever be willing to restart a relationship after such an embarrassing and hurtful event - but I know that I would refuse to have any relationship with the guy for at least a year and would require extensive individual and couple counseling before moving forward in the relationship again.
• The only person who can make the woman wait for the rest of her life is herself.  Even if they were married, she's the only person who can force herself to endure the status quo indefinitely.

With embarrassment, this young woman called off her wedding plans. Then she wondered what she should do next. She couldn't just sit around waiting for him to decide, so she took a job teaching at a Christian school. She left him in Indiana, took off her engagement ring, and moved to Florida. As the months went by, the waiting got harder. She was still in love, but was her love returned? She wasn't sure.

As she continued to struggle, she finally realized that she couldn't go through the rest of her life like this --just waiting, wondering, and worrying. One evening she got down on her knees and began to pray. With tears she surrendered her dreams, her future, and this young man to the Lord. She purposed to trust the Lord's plan no matter what and to say, " not my will, but Thine be done. " (pg. 175)

• Getting a job is a good starting point for getting over a guy.  Long-distance moving isn't a requirement, but moving that far from her family is pretty radical in CP/QF life so good for her.  Meeting new people and exploring a new state can help her get a fresh perspective on her relationship and what she wants out of life.
• Keeping a candle burning for her former fiance isn't a good idea.  The reality is that when she trusted him he hurt her badly for some unspecified reason.  Feelings of attachment or love to another person is a horrible way to determine if a relationship should continue when the other person has proven untrustworthy.  As the vast majority of adults can attest, deep feelings of attachment or love can continue after a relationship has been irrevocably broken.  
• This is a good example of a dream that should die.  She had dreams of a life with him; no matter what happens next, those dreams should not happen unless both he and she are willing to do a lot of emotional work.  The most healthy outcome would be to mourn the loss of her dreams about life with him and move on to the next adventure in life.
• This is also a great example of enabler mentality.  Exactly how much time and energy has she been using in Florida on helping her ex-fiance?  Are they talking regularly?  Is she trying to help him fix himself?  Is she merely dreaming about him and his future all the time?  It has been months!

She stood up and just a few minutes later the phone rang. It was him!!! He decided to get married at last. The plans were made. The wedding day arrived. They said, " I do." Eventually they had a baby -- ME! It wasn't until my mother surrendered to the Lord her desire to marry that he answered her prayers and gave her the godly husband she had longed for. (pgs. 175-176)

• Ms. Mally expects us to be heartened by the end of the story - but I feel sick.  There is nothing in this relationship that seems healthy.
• CP/QF culture hates adolescence and has attempted to argue that teenage rebellion is a recent cultural invention.  Teenage rebellion serves many purposes including realizing that parents are flawed, imperfect human beings just like everyone else.  Sarah's Mally's retelling of this story shows that she has never accepted the humanity of her parents.  Her father acts like a selfish, impulsive and hurtful jackass in this story.  Her mother allows his actions without enforcing any consequences.  Instead of reflecting on the reality that everyone has flaws, she repackages the story as a divine blessing in response to a ritualistic prayer of her mother's. 
• A divine blessing from a mean, mean God, actually.  Let's run through this alleged divine blessing step-by-step to watch God mess with Rebekah for no real reason.
• Harold Mally and Rebekah Maiden_Name fall in love, date for three years and get engaged.
• God decides that Rebekah's dreams for the future with Harold are problematic - in spite of the fact that she's got a public declaration of his intent to marry her and a date for the wedding set.
• God causes Harold to panic and change his mind about getting married.  Harold breaks of the engagement while keeping the door open to get married at some point in the future...under divine inspiration, I guess.  
• Rebekah goes through the process of canceling their wedding, gets a job out-of-state and teaches there for multiple months while Harold.....does something....but not communicating with Rebekah.
• Months later, Rebekah gives up her dreams involving Harold.  God is pleased with this development and decides to reward Rebekah.  God gathers up Harold who is....doing something somewhere ... and convinces him to marry Rebekah.   Since God works instantly, Harold calls Rebekah and lets her know the marriage is back on!
• Sarah needs to have a sit-down, adult talk with her father because there are some serious questions this engagement story that deserve answers.  Why did her father break off his engagement?  After all, Harold Mally asked Rebekah to marry him.  She didn't chase him; he chased her.  How does he justify the public embarrassment he exposed her to by breaking an engagement that had a set wedding date?  What right did he have to ask her to marry him again?  This would be a good discussion in most families, but takes on greater importance in her family: Harold Mally is supposed to be the wise man who will prevent Sarah's heart from being broken by a jerk.   How much of his "Emo-Pure" crap that he's raised Sarah in is an attempt to hide his own faults?  

I taught high school in part because I found the hero worship of younger children for teachers to be disconcerting.  Teenagers would put me through my paces before trusting me - and I was willing to take the time to prove that I was trustworthy.  Seeing your children question your integrity and beliefs is hard - but real parents know that without that painful time their relationship will never grow into an adult relationship.  I hope most parents in CP/QF are merely trying to avoid that pain; it's foolish and harmful but understandable.  I worry, though, that some parents want to keep their children in that state of innocence because the parents know that their actions will not stand up to adult criticism.

Before You Meet Prince Charming: Chapter Nine - Part Three

After an allegory packed with dead plant allusions, Ms. Mally decides to use more of her personal life experiences to demonstrate how dreams must die.

She starts with a story of when she was around 20 and her brother Steven was 14.  He was discussing how much  he wanted a laptop and said that he wanted one badly but would be shocked if he ever got one - like how his sister views marriage.  When Sarah asks him how he would feel about getting married, he says that that would be like Sarah getting a laptop instead of getting married.

Sarah uses this to spring-board into the idea that all young women want to be married, but I'm stuck on how obvious and all-consuming her desire to be married must be to make such an impact on her teenage brother.   My brother and I have about the same age difference - he's 4 and a half years younger than me - and he's never commented on my desire to be married.  He met my boyfriends and had pretty good relationships with most.  He offered to beat up (mostly jokingly) one boyfriend who dumped me in a particularly callous manner; I declined, but appreciated the offer and the kindness that it came from.  Sarah's hunger to be married must burn in her to be that obvious.

Sarah Mally trots out a standard chestnut of hers by talking about how a nine year-old friend of hers wanted a boyfriend more than anything else in the world.  Now, Sarah was 11 and in the process of starting to witness to her friend so her friend may have decided to nip that conversation in the bud.  I live in an area where enthusiastic attempts at conversion are taught at a strangely young age.  I don't remember anyone trying to convert me, but my brother had a friend who tried about every 18 months or so.  Well, he did until my brother chased him down the street waving a rosary at him and throwing "holy water" at him.  My only question was where my brother got the holy water; we received cheap plastic rosaries at school every so often so I knew he could find one or more in our junk drawer but we're not the kind of people to keep holy water at home.  My ten year old brother looked at me and replied "Yeah, well, he doesn't know that, does he?"  That was the last time I worried about my brother.  Any ten year old who can improv his way out of conversions using a cup of tap water and a junk rosary is going to do fine in life.....

Next, Ms. Mally describes a point in her Bright Lights ministry.  She started Bright Lights when she was 17 and had mentored three groups that formed in her area by the time she was 21.  After presenting Bright Lights at a conference, she found that there was a lot of interest from other girls and mothers for her ministry.  Understandably excited about expanding her ministry, she realized that Bright Lights was going to need materials for groups to use, training for future leaders and outreach at mother-daughter conferences to raise awareness of their ministry.

I see nothing wrong or misplaced about her excitement or planning.  She had a workable ministry model that she had ironed the kinks out of locally.  Mally connected with a larger audience - presumably at an ATI/ATIA/IBLP conference - and found that her model was wanted across a larger geographic area.   I don't like her ministry - but she's following a tried and true method for ministry expansion.

Then comes the self-doubt:

" As the weeks went by, I began to realize that some of my ideas were rather unrealistic and that many obstacles had to be overcome. I began to wonder whether all these ideas were really from the Lord or just my own dreams. I began to search my heart and evaluate whether my motive was to truly reach young ladies or to gain something for myself. I desperately wanted to want only what the Lord wanted, but I was confused. My dream seemed to be from the Lord - yet I also knew how easily prideful and selfish motives could creep in. (pg. 173)

• Based on what she wrote in the book, none of her goals were unrealistic.  
• Writing lesson guides would be time-consuming, but she's already taught three groups her curriculum.  
• In terms of gaining wider attention, she JUST finished presenting at a conference.  Getting accepted to other conferences shouldn't be too hard and she'd have material to give to attendees (e.g., a sample lesson plan she created earlier).  
• Leading training conferences for leaders (teenage girls) would take a longer time-span to accomplish because she'd need a certain mass of publicity and momentum before she'd have enough interested candidates to pay for the conference - but "long-term goal" is not a synonym for "unrealistic".
• Sarah Mally and I would not get along well in real life.  If someone tells me that they're worried that their small, local ministry for pre-teen girls is a manifestation of their "prideful and selfish motives", I don't know if I'd laugh or cry.  This might be a sensible reaction, though, to being a follower of Gothard her whole life.  Her subconscious might have been picking up on the dangerous vibes that he puts off.
• This is a handy way to prevent people from being ambitious at all.  Sarah Mally is freaking out at enlarging her ministry from small/local to medium/regional.  Imagine how much more panicky she'd be if she wanted to do something that was a bit more taboo like getting a college degree in nursing, teaching, social work or business. 

" I distinctly remember one day just a few weeks later when I got on my knees and made a list of all my ideas and dreams for Bright Lights -- every little desire and every big dream. I put them all on my list. Then, one by one, I surrendered them to the Lord, asking that He would purify my heart and use me to accomplish His purposes, not my own. Finally, I ripped up the paper and asked the Lord to exchange my dreams for His will --whatever it might be. I still had a strong desire to minister to young ladies, and I still felt that the Lord was leading me to pursue the vision He had given, but I also knew if the Lord's plans were different than mine, He could be trusted. Even if none of my ideas came to pass, I was resolved to put my whole heart into His assignments and follow His leading." (pgs. 173-174)

• I was moving along pretty well with Ms. Mally until she started ripping up the paper that she outlined her plans for Bright Lights.   I visualized God/Jesus watching her and saying "Wait? What are you doing?  Those were the plans!"
• This is a strangely detailed ritual to get rid of Ms. Mally's guilt or unease about being an active participant in her own life.  After all, nothing she's alluded to about her ministry is sinful.  It's a pretty mundane form of proselytizing.  After the ritual, she's on the same path she was before with the same feelings of excitement and drive and a bit farther along in planning. 

"Several years later it suddenly dawned on me that every single one of those dreams had to come to pass. And even more exciting to me was the fact that dozens of other ministry opportunities that had never even crossed my mind had also been part of the Lord's bigger plan. Waiting was involved, and God's timing was definitely different than mine. In fact, some of the things that I hoped would happen immediately took nearly five years, but in hindsight it is clear that God sees the whole picture and writes the last chapter." (pg. 174)

• This is the bit where the wheels fall off.  The net outcome of Ms. Mally letting her dreams for Bright Lights Ministry die is that all of her dreams come true.  This is a slightly watered down version of the Prosperity Gospel.  Gothard's ATI/ATIA/IBLP is a pro-natal, anti-education version of the Prosperity Gospel where if a person follows Jesus, Jesus will give them everything they want.  Sarah Mally makes the deal even sweeter by claiming that she's received even more possibilities than she had ever dreamed of.

Immediately after this, Ms. Mally explains that she went through the same ritual for her dreams of building her own family.  When the book was written, she hadn't married and discloses that obviously that set of dreams have not come true - but that she believes that God has a plan for her life.  

I wonder if she's truly resigned to "following the Lord's assignments" for her personal life.  The Princess and Sarah describe wanting romance with a man they love and wanting to be a mother.  Romance and getting married do not come with an end date - but bearing biological children gets much harder as women age.  Ms. Mally wrote this book at 25-26 years of age when she had at least 15 years of potential childbearing ahead of her.  She's now 37 years old; women can have first babies in their late thirties, but the success rate drops markedly every year.  The successful pregnancy rate drops more rapidly for women who have never had a child than women who have had a previous pregnancy and scientists aren't entirely sure why that happens.  Ms. Mally's situation is complicated by her alliance with Gothard's cult.  Members of ATI do not use birth control, do not use assisted reproductive technologies and do not adopt children.

How many of the various girls that Ms. Mally has bashed as boy-crazy are now married mothers? I'm willing to bet that around 80% of them have been married at least once and most have had one or more child.  That's the strange irony of parent-led courtship: for a culture that idolizes marriage and parenthood, they are failing miserably at getting their kids married and reproducing.

• The Botkin Family has married off 3 sons out of 7 kids for a 43% marriage rate.  
• The Maxwell family has married 3 out of 8 for 37.5% success rate.  
• The Duggars have 11 kids over the age of 18 with 4 marriages and one engagement for a 45% marriage rate.  
• The Bates Family has married 4 out of 9 over the ages of 18 for a 44% marriage rate.  They win a consolation prize for not having an unmarried child over the age of 25.
• I can't find any information on Sarah Mally's brother - which I hope means he ran away from the cult - but their family has either a 0% or 33% success rate.

Next up: Sarah Mally's scariest family story yet....

Before You Meet Prince Charming: Chapter Nine - Part Two

The first portion of the allegory from the chapter on how dreams have to die revolved around the Princess meeting and talking with Sir Valiant for a few minutes.  This meeting got her emotions all stirred up since she's got a crush on Sir Valiant.

Since Sir Valiant doesn't return to see her again, the Princess' excitement about being on the verge of having a relationship fades.  She does some light-weight work for others - the list includes being hospitable to dignitaries, standing in for her father at functions, sewing for the poor and playing with orphans - then indulges in her favorite past-time: moping and wringing her hands about her future.

One day when she's especially down she goes for a walk.  Her mother follows her and they have a conversation.

"Hearing soft footsteps, she turned around and saw her mother walking behind her. The princess waited but said nothing, telling herself that she was determined not to start crying.

Her mother seem to already know how she was feeling, as mothers usually do, and gently asked if everything was alright.

The princess was silent for a few moments then began to speak slowly. "Years ago I decided that I had a purpose in life much bigger than marriage and that I would gladly stay single if my Heavenly Father asked this of me. Time after time, I have prayed for His will to be done and purposed to be content. And just when I had thought I had finally understood contentment, just when I thought I had finally learned how to patiently wait, Sir Valiant came to visit, and... and... made everything harder. I don't understand why I can't learn to trust and I'm so easily distracted. And why- " she concluded with a sigh, " why does this have to be so difficult?"

"Struggles are a necessary part of life," her mother said. "They strengthen us and prepare us for the new trials that lie ahead. When one struggle is overcome, another is often around the next bend."

"I suppose. But Mother, I feel like I'm failing in each struggle, not overcoming them."

"Thou art growing. Thou art learning. These are the very things the struggle is designed to accomplish in thy life. Do not forget, dear daughter, that except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit. " "(pg. 169)

• No one in this book ever discusses emotions.  The Princess sounds sad, scared, discouraged, lonely and self-critical.  She's also infatuated with Sir Valiant.  All of these feelings deserve validation from her mother.  The royal family ignores all of their daughter's feelings at their peril:
• The Princess is at least 21 at this point in the book and she's had minimal life experience.  She hasn't spoken to a friend in years according to the book.  Every time she wants to make a choice in her life, her father guilt-trips her about having met Sir Eloquence five years ago and railroads her into staying "pure".  No wonder she feels sad.
• The Princess has been given the same quid-pro-quo promise given to all women through "emotional purity" or Emo-Pur:  if she guards her heart vigilantly by staying at home and letting her father lead her romantic life, she will have an early, fertile, romantic and deeply satisfying marriage.  The Princess has kept up her part of the bargain and all she has received in return is years of aching loneliness relieved only by circular arguments exchanged with the Allegator.  No wonder she feels scared, lonely and discouraged.
• The Princess has received no direct compliments in the whole book.  Her parents describe everything positive she does as being based as a given.  By doing absolutely nothing, she's a rose or a candle.  When she struggles to follow the way, she's learning and growing in the way expected of her as a Christian.  When she wants to deviate from the way, that's all her fault.  No wonder she's overly self-critical.
•  The Princess has so little exposure to potential mates that she's having a hard-core crush on a guy who she's seen on one occasion and talked with for a few minutes total.  Having a crush is normal and healthy; being continually distracted by marital fantasies about a man she hasn't seen in months and has no relationship with is abnormal. 
• The most annoying part of the King and Queen is their continual claims that they understand exactly why everything happens in the Princess' life.  The Queen tells her daughter that all of her struggles happen because the daughter still needs to "grow".  On top of being insufferable, that's an extra-Scriptural claim; the Bible is pretty clear that life is simply hard at times.
• This would be an excellent time for the Queen to commiserate with her daughter.  The Queen has to have struggles of her own.  She has to have struggled before on some issue.  Sharing her feelings and how the situations resolved themselves would be a lot more comforting for her daughter than telling her to suck it up and deal.

"Bear fruit --that is exactly what I want to do," the princess said quietly, as if deep in thought.

"Then your dream must die. "

"But my dream is a good dream, not a bad dream. It is the dream that God has given me. It is nothing wicked I desire, but only what is natural, wholesome, and beautiful. Why must it die? "

Her mother stepped off the path, knelt down, picked up an acorn, and explained, "Observe this acorn, perfectly designed for what it is intended to do - die. The acorn does not know why; the acorn does not understand what is ahead, but only if it is buried in the cold and dark earth --forgotten and alone --does it fulfill its purpose and become what it is created to be. Would the acorn ever have imagined that it would become the beautiful oak tree you see before you? Not in its wildest dreams. When you admire the oak tree, do you mourn the loss of the acorn? Of course not. By losing its life, the acorn becomes something so much greater, so much more beautiful, so much more valuable. The death is forgotten. The fruit is remembered. Nevertheless, death was required." (pgs. 169-170)

• This section is the only section where the Princess admits that's she's got sexual feelings.  Oh, it's always disguised as either vaguely chaste romantic dreams like walking under the stars with a guy or as a longing to be a mother, but the Princess' has sexual urges.  This is the most normal moment the Princess has ever had in the book and one of the most honest moments.  The response of her all-wise mother is "Don't go there!  That's something you have to give up right now!"  
• The Queen's appropriation of the verse about needing to die to bear fruit makes no real sense in the Princess' life.  The traditional interpretation of the verse is that humans as sinners need to overcome selfish desires to follow Christ.  The Princess isn't discussing any selfish desires - even under Emo-Pure guidelines!   She's not saying that she wants to chase after Sir Valiant, wants to go out from her father's protection. or saying that she questions any of the basic ideas. Having been thoroughly broken in spirit by five years of solitude, she's more meek than she's ever been before in the whole book.    Remember, the Princess' sole purpose in the Royal Family's "ministry" to the kingdom is to show how Emo-Pure is crucial for young adults to fulfill their God-given duty of marriage and reproduction.  Her testimony fails miserably if she doesn't marry and produce kids.  The plot hasn't introduced a more holy ministry that she's forsaking by wanting to marry and have kids because there is NO other option available in CP/QF theology.  That's the main reason the Queen's invocation of dying to self falls flat; she's telling her daughter that following Christ means giving up the only way available for her daughter to follow Christ....
• Do not home-school using ATI/ATIA booklets.  Just say no to bad educational texts that teach kids that seeds die before producing plants.   That should reduce the number of books written that talk about dead, anthropomorphic acorns.
• Replacing wheat plants with oak trees creates all sorts of problems with the metaphor from the Bible.  
• The wheat plant acts in a way that makes the metaphor meaningful because wheat seeds that are buried have a good shot at becoming a wheat plant.  Wheat lives for a single season, produces a lot of seeds, scatters the seeds, and the parent plant dies before the seeds germinate.Wheat seeds need to be covered by a small amount of soil to retain enough moisture to germinate but that can be accomplished by forces as common and slight as rain drops, wind, the movement of animals or leaf litter from the parent plant.  Since all of the seeds are facing a growing area empty of adult wheat plants at the beginning of the next season, each wheat seed has a good chance of becoming a wheat plant.  
• Oak trees are completely different.  Oak trees are long-lived perennials that produce massive crops of acorns every few years.  The vast majority of acorns will never become oaks and that's a feature, not a bug of reproduction.  Acorns are large enough that they need to be moved away from the parent oak and buried by an animal dispersion agent like a squirrel.   To attract the animal dispersal agents, oaks produce heaps of acorns at once.  Most of the acorns will be eaten directly or buried by an animal and eaten later.  Most of the uneaten, buried acorns will never grow because they are buried too deep, do not receive a signal to grow before the embryo dies or were injured in a way that destroys the embryo's food supply or the embryo itself.  Quantifying exactly how many offspring a plant produces is hard, but the best modeling suggests that the average tree in a forest produces at least 10,000 acorns to have 4-6 offspring survive to seedling age in hopes that 1-2 seedlings survive to maturity.
• Incongruity point: The Queen delivered her whole "Dead Acorn" monologue while kneeling in the dirt.  When writing character actions, make sure that the action matches the personality of the character and that the writing conveys the right action.  There's no way a Queen regnant would kneel in the dirt to lecture her daughter about how trees work.  Rather than listing every action, keep it simple.  If the lead-in said "The Queen picked up an acorn", the basic idea of the Queen showing an acorn to the Princess is solved without the Queen groveling in the dirt.

That's the end of the allegory.  Literally.  The Queen's kneeling under an oak tree and the Princess never responds to her.

The exhort-and-advise section trots out some memorable (read: odd) anecdotes to support the "Let Your Dreams Die" theme.  The net outcome, however, becomes "If you let your dreams die, they come true!" which doesn't quite fit.....ah, well.