How freaking crazy can you be? No, seriously.
Lots of people dream of living a completely debt-free life. In the absence of being independently wealthy, most people decide to manage debt responsibly by restricting debt to secured debt like loans to purchase a new or used car or a house, debt that raises the income of the person like educational debt and limiting the amount of unsecured debt like credit cards. On a more personal level, people committed to living debt free chose to delay child-bearing until one or both people are in secure careers and often choose to limit their family size. Homes are quite expensive and large families cost more money.
On the other hand, a lot of CP/QF large families live in poverty while idolizing families who live in even more extreme circumstances. A common lament of huge CP/QF families where the mother is reaching the end of her reproductive years is that domestic foster care and adoption has ridiculous requirements like that prospective adoptive families who will be adopting unrelated children can show income over the federal poverty level for their new family size. For new readers, the federal poverty income guidelines in the US are agreed to be absurdly low by people who work in poverty prevention. A good rule of thumb is that most families need at least 200% of the poverty guidelines to live a frugal middle class life - so the US poverty guideline of $20,730 for a family of three should be closer to $42,000. To size this up to QF families, Kimberly at Raising Olives used to complain that their family of 12 kids and two adults couldn't adopt domestically because the family lived on less than $72,620 per year.
Back in 2005, Amy at Raising Arrows wrote a blog post about a family she idolized who had nine kids living in a garage for one year so they could build the home of their dreams. In 2018, I wrote my response to the major reasons I could think of why living in a garage is probably illegal; my more obvious concerns were a lack of exits, too little area of windows, too little square footage per person, infestation prevention issues and the fact that the taxable value of the land is affected by having a second dwelling onsite. It turns out that Amy managed to get a hold of that family and write a follow-up in 2017; I'll refrain from guessing as to why it took 12 years to catch up with them.
Turns out some of my unspoken assumptions were just plain wrong. Silly me - I assumed that living in the garage would start when the family had all of the money set aside to build the house so that the time living in the outbuilding would be limited to a single building season. Oh, boy, was I naive! FIVE YEARS! The family lived in a garage for 5 freaking years!
I'm still shocked and horrified - so I guess I'll start with the size of the garage. The family says that the garage was 24' by 30' and at least partially built to purpose for living in. The square footage is 720 square feet. Now, the 1986 guidelines for safe living spaces stated that the minimum square footage could be calculated by 150 + 100(n-1) so a family of nine would need 150 + 100(8) or 950 square feet minimum.
Now, if I was living in a garage, I would be on like 5 forms of birth control - including "we're not having sex until we get a real house or apartment" followed by 4 other forms. Apparently, I'm crazy because the family happily admits that two children were conceived and born while living in the garage. That pushes the minimum square footage to 1150 feet - but I'm more horrified at the idea of adding two newborns sequentially to a garage home. The family mentions that the time they lived in the garage was extended because of unexpected building costs and high medical bills. I wonder how much of those medical bills were due to two labor and deliveries; childbirth is expensive even when everything goes perfectly.
In terms of exits, the garage did have two external doors that were not garage doors. Assuming the drawing provided by the family was reasonably accurate, the garage was not compliant in terms of emergency window egresses from the bedrooms. Personally, I'd be very worried about exiting from the kids' bedroom in case of a fire. There was one small window, an internal exit towards the main area of the garage and an external exit across the room where the washer, dryer and hot water heater were located. If anything happened involving the washer, dryer or hot water heater, the kids' fastest exit would be compromised.
Speaking of the garage doors, the "front" of the garage included a large standard garage door. This threw me a bit at first; why would a family waste that much wall space on a garage door when they were making plans like building 10 foot ceilings on the garage to make it a workable future temporary home? Then I remembered - the local tax authority would notice in real time if a family wanted to build a second home on a plot. Silly me and my beliefs about obeying civil codes and taxation.
Really, the author of post sums it up better than I can. The 5+ years of living in the garage are great in hindsight. Looking back at my life, I have a lot of memories that are far more fun in hindsight than they were at the time. After all, memories allow me to enjoy the fun, exciting or satisfying bits without reliving the pain, frustration or tedium. For example, I chaperoned a group of teens on a mission trip to Beaver Island when I was around 26. I had lots of fun on the trip - but I also broke my tailbone early in the trip, one of the other chaperones was having what I can only describe as an untreated manic episode, and I was going on slightly less than 5 hours of sleep a night for over a week. My memories are of teaching my small group to pain sets and watching sunsets over the lake - not the pain of hiking miles each day with a light pack with a broken tailbone.
Be cautious of taking advice from people who enjoyed an experience only in hindsight.
Showing posts with label overwhelmed families. Show all posts
Showing posts with label overwhelmed families. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Friday, July 6, 2018
Maidens of Virtue: Did We Read The Same Book?
The last appendix in "Maidens of Virtue" by Stacy McDonald sets out an elaborate tea luncheon for girls to enjoy with their buddies. There's an implication that this tea luncheon is totally like what British ladies do - but to me it feels more like a church potluck combined with an etiquette class.
Anyways, teenage girls can't be trusted to talk about whatever topic comes into their head; that leads to the dreaded "peer-dependence" feared by every CP/QF parent. Instead, Stacy McDonald included a list of approved books for the girls to read ahead of time and discuss at lunch. I was seriously thrown by the fact that the second book on the list was "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte. I love that book; it was one of those books that I stayed up all night to finish when I first read it in high school. The reasons I love the book, though, should cause the book to be banned in most CP/QF families. The luncheon information included a whopping ten questions to discuss about a classic of the English language. When we read it in high school as part of our British Literature class in my junior year, we were lucky if we only got ten questions per chapter.
I'd like to look at the ten original questions in-depth and propose additional questions that are far more interesting - and potentially life-changing - for young adherents of CP/QF.
I hate dumb leading questions. These questions are pushing really hard in one direction and I find that deeply annoying. I would end up writing a dead-serious essay that describes every substantive difference between Jane Eyre and Charlotte Bronte - mostly revolving around the fact that the wife of married man that Charlotte Bronte was emotionally attached to didn't have the decency to kill herself so that Bronte could marry him.
The questions are also daft. No writer can completely separate their life experiences from their writing so, yeah, Bronte's experiences live through Eyre. Duh.
Better Questions:
A. Research the social issues that governesses struggled with during this time period. Compare and contrast the issues faced by governesses with stay-at-home daughters.
B. Both Jane Eyre and Charlotte Bronte formed a deep emotional relationship with a man that they wished to marry - but whom was already married to another woman. What circumstances make those relationships more likely to occur? What circumstances make those relationships less likely to occur? What are the benefits and drawbacks for women in those relationships.
Moving from the two word answers from the first set of questions, explaining how characterization occurs in Jane Eyre is a potential thesis level question. Oh, I know you can adapt it to the level of the teens - but even teenagers should get that this is a huge question.... The second question, though, accidently narrows the question far too much. There are five characters that Jane knows as an adult and a child: Mrs. Reed, Bessie (Lee) Leaven, Eliza Reed, Georgiana Reed, and Maria Temple. Of those characters, Jane only perceives Bessie Leaven differently as an adult than as a child. Jane interacts much differently with Mrs. Reed (and to a lesser extent the Reed daughters) as an adult - but I would argue that the difference in her interaction is due to Jane's deeper understanding of herself than any change in perspective on Mrs. Reed per se.
Better questions:
A. You arrive at college and find out you can choose either Georgiana or Eliza Reed as your roommate. Which would you pick and why?
B. Jane idolizes women some women like Maria Temple and Diana Rivers while having more balanced relationships with others like Bessie Leaven and Mrs. Fairfax. What characteristics in women make Jane more likely to idolize them? If Helen Burns had lived, would Jane have idolized her? Why or why not?
I find this question strangely offensive. One of the things I liked the most about "Jane Eyre" is that Jane lives in a predominantly female society and has very complex relationships with the other women in her life. Instead of focusing on those relationships - or even on the relationship between Jane and Mr. Rochester - the girls are told to focus on the difference between Jane Eyre and Blanche Ingram. (Added bonus points, though, if the woman the girls discuss is his first wife...)
Better questions:
A. Defend Bertha (Mason) Rochester's and Blanche Ingram's courtships of Mr. Rochester in light of the economic conditions facing gentlewomen during this time periods. How does Jane's experiences after her flight from Thornfield Hall support or detract from the defense of the two other women who courted Rochester?
B. Jane and Rochester's relationship prior to her flight from Thornfield contained warning signs of potential abuse in the future. Discuss these signs.
C. At critical points in her relationships with Mr. Rochester and St. John Rivers, Jane receives counsel from Mrs. Fairfax and Diana Rivers respectively. What information did Jane receive from these women? Why did these women share this information with Jane? How did the counsel affect Jane's course of action?
Here we have another 15-20 page essay question to be discussed over lunch! Although - now that I think about it - the effect of Jane's spiritual beliefs on her relationships with Georgiana Reed, Eliza Reed, Maria Temple and Helen Burns can be summed up as "not much, really."
Let me see if I can work out a better set of questions - but the first one might be a memory from a choice of essays from high school so if you like it, thank Sr. Irene Mary:
A. Discuss how Helen Burns' religious beliefs affected Jane Eyre. Which beliefs did she adopt? Did she reject any of her beliefs?
B. How did Jane's spiritual beliefs affect her interactions with Mrs. Reed as a child and as an adult?
C. Bronte faces a difficult transition when Eyre rejects Rivers to return to Rochester. Discuss how Bronte uses mysticism to smooth this transition.
Depends. Does that include her accidentally forgetting all of her worldly goods on the coach? That bit always felt forced to me.
More broadly, I'm concerned that the CP/QF crowd will defend her flight based on morality - "Jane was right to flee from temptation" instead of as an act of self-defense. From my point of view, running away was her safest option - even if she ended up sleeping in the moors. Rochester's behavior from the time after his bigamy was discovered until she leaves his was frightening and violent.
Better questions:
A. Discuss the ways in which Rochester separated and threatened Jane between when Jane discovered his bigamy and when she fled Thornfield Hall.
B. What options are available for people who are fleeing abusive situations today that were not available to Jane?
C. How was Jane's flight from Thornfield Hall complicated by her lack of career choices? How would her flight have been more difficult if she had discovered his bigamy after she had given birth Rochester's son?
From whose point of view? It's a great offer from St. John's point of view; he gets the perfect subserviant wife to bring on his Indian missionary work. It's not so great from Jane's POV - she gets a husband who views her as an interesting tool as she works herself to death.
Interestingly, my feelings about the relationship between St. John and Jane changed the most greatly of any of the characters when I compare how I felt in high school compared to when I re-read the novel recently. In high school, I viewed their potential marriage relationship much as Jane does in the book - as unacceptable due to the lack of romantic love on the side of St. John. As a real adult, the lack of romantic love pales compared to St. John's narcissism and mind games. RUN, JANE, RUN!
Better Questions:
A: Over the course of one year Jane Eyre attracts two men with controlling personality issues. What personality traits of Jane do you think are attractive to controlling men? Why?
B. During Jane's formative years, she was under the control of two capricious guardians: Mrs. Reed and Mr. Brocklehurst. How could this childhood and adolescence lead Jane to be attracted to men like St. John Rivers and Rochester?
C. List all the "tests" that Rochester and Rivers put Jane Eyre through during their "courtships".
*SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER*
Whew. I needed that. Making Jane's reconciliation fit within the CP/QF framework requires ignoring studiously the timeline between when St. John Rivers proposes to Jane and when she proposes to Rochester. Based on my read, Jane takes off to see what has happened to Rochester long before she learns of his first wife's death. Since Jane struggled through the entire book to stay the course of her chosen moral path when she was near Rochester, I suspect she would have been hard tried to leave again once she met with him.
Minor note: Rochester never asks Jane to compromise her faith - and only pushes at her moral convictions during that whole first-wife-is-alive-and-a-lunatic-but-hey-let's-get-"married"-anyways time period. Bronte wrote the Bertha Mason backstory as overblown as it was both to point out the damages England's refusal to grant divorces once one spouse was insane did - and to create a situation where most period readers felt that Rochester's idea to live together in spite of a lack of a lawful marriage was moral.
Better Questions:
A. Research the term "deus ex machina" and explain how it applies to the resolution of Mr. Rochester's first marriage.
B. Describe the changes in power between Jane and Rochester throughout the book.
A. (Throwback) Research typhus and typhoid fever. Which disease better fits the Lowood Epidemic? Why?
B. Reseach sympathetic opthalmia and discuss how the course of Rochester's case of sympathetic opthalmia compares to the expected medical course.
C. Describe the issues surrounding not-planning pregnancies when a family is also providing care to members who need specialized care.
This is actually a pretty good question. My take-away is that people have a right to make their own life choices.
Oooh! This is a nice question, too. Personally, I've always liked the character of Bessie (Lee) Leaven. I like her because her life was so very normal.
Anyways, teenage girls can't be trusted to talk about whatever topic comes into their head; that leads to the dreaded "peer-dependence" feared by every CP/QF parent. Instead, Stacy McDonald included a list of approved books for the girls to read ahead of time and discuss at lunch. I was seriously thrown by the fact that the second book on the list was "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte. I love that book; it was one of those books that I stayed up all night to finish when I first read it in high school. The reasons I love the book, though, should cause the book to be banned in most CP/QF families. The luncheon information included a whopping ten questions to discuss about a classic of the English language. When we read it in high school as part of our British Literature class in my junior year, we were lucky if we only got ten questions per chapter.
I'd like to look at the ten original questions in-depth and propose additional questions that are far more interesting - and potentially life-changing - for young adherents of CP/QF.
1. Read a short biography of Charlotte Bronte (You might even print a sheet from an online source to share). Do you feel the author brought her own experiences to bear upon writing? Does Jane reflect Charlotte Bronte's own struggles and dreams?
I hate dumb leading questions. These questions are pushing really hard in one direction and I find that deeply annoying. I would end up writing a dead-serious essay that describes every substantive difference between Jane Eyre and Charlotte Bronte - mostly revolving around the fact that the wife of married man that Charlotte Bronte was emotionally attached to didn't have the decency to kill herself so that Bronte could marry him.
The questions are also daft. No writer can completely separate their life experiences from their writing so, yeah, Bronte's experiences live through Eyre. Duh.
Better Questions:
A. Research the social issues that governesses struggled with during this time period. Compare and contrast the issues faced by governesses with stay-at-home daughters.
B. Both Jane Eyre and Charlotte Bronte formed a deep emotional relationship with a man that they wished to marry - but whom was already married to another woman. What circumstances make those relationships more likely to occur? What circumstances make those relationships less likely to occur? What are the benefits and drawbacks for women in those relationships.
2. How do we get to know the characters through Jane's eyes? Notice how her perspective matures from childhood to adulthood.
Moving from the two word answers from the first set of questions, explaining how characterization occurs in Jane Eyre is a potential thesis level question. Oh, I know you can adapt it to the level of the teens - but even teenagers should get that this is a huge question.... The second question, though, accidently narrows the question far too much. There are five characters that Jane knows as an adult and a child: Mrs. Reed, Bessie (Lee) Leaven, Eliza Reed, Georgiana Reed, and Maria Temple. Of those characters, Jane only perceives Bessie Leaven differently as an adult than as a child. Jane interacts much differently with Mrs. Reed (and to a lesser extent the Reed daughters) as an adult - but I would argue that the difference in her interaction is due to Jane's deeper understanding of herself than any change in perspective on Mrs. Reed per se.
Better questions:
A. You arrive at college and find out you can choose either Georgiana or Eliza Reed as your roommate. Which would you pick and why?
B. Jane idolizes women some women like Maria Temple and Diana Rivers while having more balanced relationships with others like Bessie Leaven and Mrs. Fairfax. What characteristics in women make Jane more likely to idolize them? If Helen Burns had lived, would Jane have idolized her? Why or why not?
3.How does Jane treat Mr. Rochester? Compare this with how other women in the story treat him.
I find this question strangely offensive. One of the things I liked the most about "Jane Eyre" is that Jane lives in a predominantly female society and has very complex relationships with the other women in her life. Instead of focusing on those relationships - or even on the relationship between Jane and Mr. Rochester - the girls are told to focus on the difference between Jane Eyre and Blanche Ingram. (Added bonus points, though, if the woman the girls discuss is his first wife...)
Better questions:
A. Defend Bertha (Mason) Rochester's and Blanche Ingram's courtships of Mr. Rochester in light of the economic conditions facing gentlewomen during this time periods. How does Jane's experiences after her flight from Thornfield Hall support or detract from the defense of the two other women who courted Rochester?
B. Jane and Rochester's relationship prior to her flight from Thornfield contained warning signs of potential abuse in the future. Discuss these signs.
C. At critical points in her relationships with Mr. Rochester and St. John Rivers, Jane receives counsel from Mrs. Fairfax and Diana Rivers respectively. What information did Jane receive from these women? Why did these women share this information with Jane? How did the counsel affect Jane's course of action?
4. How do Jane's spiritual beliefs affect her relationships with others ( Mrs. Reed, her cousins, friends at school, the headmistress, Mr. Rochester, St. John Rivers, etc.)?
Here we have another 15-20 page essay question to be discussed over lunch! Although - now that I think about it - the effect of Jane's spiritual beliefs on her relationships with Georgiana Reed, Eliza Reed, Maria Temple and Helen Burns can be summed up as "not much, really."
Let me see if I can work out a better set of questions - but the first one might be a memory from a choice of essays from high school so if you like it, thank Sr. Irene Mary:
A. Discuss how Helen Burns' religious beliefs affected Jane Eyre. Which beliefs did she adopt? Did she reject any of her beliefs?
B. How did Jane's spiritual beliefs affect her interactions with Mrs. Reed as a child and as an adult?
C. Bronte faces a difficult transition when Eyre rejects Rivers to return to Rochester. Discuss how Bronte uses mysticism to smooth this transition.
5. Do you think Jane makes the right choice when she runs away from Mr. Rochester after discovering his secret?
Depends. Does that include her accidentally forgetting all of her worldly goods on the coach? That bit always felt forced to me.
More broadly, I'm concerned that the CP/QF crowd will defend her flight based on morality - "Jane was right to flee from temptation" instead of as an act of self-defense. From my point of view, running away was her safest option - even if she ended up sleeping in the moors. Rochester's behavior from the time after his bigamy was discovered until she leaves his was frightening and violent.
Better questions:
A. Discuss the ways in which Rochester separated and threatened Jane between when Jane discovered his bigamy and when she fled Thornfield Hall.
B. What options are available for people who are fleeing abusive situations today that were not available to Jane?
C. How was Jane's flight from Thornfield Hall complicated by her lack of career choices? How would her flight have been more difficult if she had discovered his bigamy after she had given birth Rochester's son?
6. Do you think St. John's offer to Jane is a good one? Why or why not?
From whose point of view? It's a great offer from St. John's point of view; he gets the perfect subserviant wife to bring on his Indian missionary work. It's not so great from Jane's POV - she gets a husband who views her as an interesting tool as she works herself to death.
Interestingly, my feelings about the relationship between St. John and Jane changed the most greatly of any of the characters when I compare how I felt in high school compared to when I re-read the novel recently. In high school, I viewed their potential marriage relationship much as Jane does in the book - as unacceptable due to the lack of romantic love on the side of St. John. As a real adult, the lack of romantic love pales compared to St. John's narcissism and mind games. RUN, JANE, RUN!
Better Questions:
A: Over the course of one year Jane Eyre attracts two men with controlling personality issues. What personality traits of Jane do you think are attractive to controlling men? Why?
B. During Jane's formative years, she was under the control of two capricious guardians: Mrs. Reed and Mr. Brocklehurst. How could this childhood and adolescence lead Jane to be attracted to men like St. John Rivers and Rochester?
C. List all the "tests" that Rochester and Rivers put Jane Eyre through during their "courtships".
7. How does Jane reconcile with Mr. Rochester, and how does this demonstrate her unwillingness to compromise her faith and her moral convictions?
*SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER*
Whew. I needed that. Making Jane's reconciliation fit within the CP/QF framework requires ignoring studiously the timeline between when St. John Rivers proposes to Jane and when she proposes to Rochester. Based on my read, Jane takes off to see what has happened to Rochester long before she learns of his first wife's death. Since Jane struggled through the entire book to stay the course of her chosen moral path when she was near Rochester, I suspect she would have been hard tried to leave again once she met with him.
Minor note: Rochester never asks Jane to compromise her faith - and only pushes at her moral convictions during that whole first-wife-is-alive-and-a-lunatic-but-hey-let's-get-"married"-anyways time period. Bronte wrote the Bertha Mason backstory as overblown as it was both to point out the damages England's refusal to grant divorces once one spouse was insane did - and to create a situation where most period readers felt that Rochester's idea to live together in spite of a lack of a lawful marriage was moral.
Better Questions:
A. Research the term "deus ex machina" and explain how it applies to the resolution of Mr. Rochester's first marriage.
B. Describe the changes in power between Jane and Rochester throughout the book.
8. What do you think of the final paragraph in the book?
Hello?!? Let's discuss the sacchanine ending for Jane and Rochester before we dive back into the hot mess that is St. John Rivers, ok? (Seriously - it's more than a bit disturbing that Stacy McDonald, writer of "MAIDENS of Virtue", wants to spend most of the luncheon talking about the men in the book.) Jane marries Rochester who has magically become a much nicer, calmer and less aggressively violent dude after going through the trauma of losing his home to fire, watching his first wife commit suicide, and suffering two life-changing disabilities. Remember, this is the guy who threatened to kill Jane when she wouldn't marry him; how are we supposed to believe he's become less impulsive and less unstable when he's suffered severe mental and physical trauma? (Answer "he found Jesus!" at your own peril.)
Jane brings Adele who is now 7 or 8 years old back from a harsh school and tries to be her governess again - but Rochester's care takes up too much time so Adele is sent to a nicer nearby school.
Cool. I can deal with that.
But how does Jane manage to care for a newborn baby while Rochester is still pretty helpless? I know his eye has a magic recovery - but most of what Jane did for Rochester was more along the lines of being overly enmeshed in Rochester's daily life. That's not going to work well with a small infant, fyi....
As for the last paragraph - St. John manages to work himself to death by age 40. Whoo-hoo.
Better - but mainly geeky - Questions:Hello?!? Let's discuss the sacchanine ending for Jane and Rochester before we dive back into the hot mess that is St. John Rivers, ok? (Seriously - it's more than a bit disturbing that Stacy McDonald, writer of "MAIDENS of Virtue", wants to spend most of the luncheon talking about the men in the book.) Jane marries Rochester who has magically become a much nicer, calmer and less aggressively violent dude after going through the trauma of losing his home to fire, watching his first wife commit suicide, and suffering two life-changing disabilities. Remember, this is the guy who threatened to kill Jane when she wouldn't marry him; how are we supposed to believe he's become less impulsive and less unstable when he's suffered severe mental and physical trauma? (Answer "he found Jesus!" at your own peril.)
Jane brings Adele who is now 7 or 8 years old back from a harsh school and tries to be her governess again - but Rochester's care takes up too much time so Adele is sent to a nicer nearby school.
Cool. I can deal with that.
But how does Jane manage to care for a newborn baby while Rochester is still pretty helpless? I know his eye has a magic recovery - but most of what Jane did for Rochester was more along the lines of being overly enmeshed in Rochester's daily life. That's not going to work well with a small infant, fyi....
As for the last paragraph - St. John manages to work himself to death by age 40. Whoo-hoo.
A. (Throwback) Research typhus and typhoid fever. Which disease better fits the Lowood Epidemic? Why?
B. Reseach sympathetic opthalmia and discuss how the course of Rochester's case of sympathetic opthalmia compares to the expected medical course.
C. Describe the issues surrounding not-planning pregnancies when a family is also providing care to members who need specialized care.
9. If you had to name one theme that ties all of Jane Eyre together, what would it be?
This is actually a pretty good question. My take-away is that people have a right to make their own life choices.
10. Which character is your favorite, and why?
Oooh! This is a nice question, too. Personally, I've always liked the character of Bessie (Lee) Leaven. I like her because her life was so very normal.
Friday, March 23, 2018
Maidens of Virtue: Chapter 15
Following the importance of raising good little homemakers, "Lady of Leisure" in Stacy McDonald's "Maidens of Virtue" is a realistic fiction morality tale. I think the intended moral is that lazy, self-centered young women are not attractive to men - but the moral I got was that a stay-at-home daughter with absentee parents can get away with doing nothing of value for months at a time.
The writing in this section is solid since the genre is playing to Mrs. McDonald's strengths. The main issue for me is that Mrs. McDonald's vignettes of farm life range stretch believability.
The main thing I enjoyed about this section is that the female lead character is a full-blown narcissist. She's a complete mental case - and I doubt Mrs. McDonald meant for her to be written like that. This chick is totally unconcerned with anything that does not directly and immediately affect her and has an overblown sense of her own importance. Mrs. McDonald implies that these characteristics are due to Ashley's habit of reading novels, but personality disorders do not spring from a healthy mind even a healthy mind with a habit for romance novels.
This is a bit of a first, but I don't have any direct quotes from the chapter.
The story starts with Ashley (who is 22) resting in a hammock while reading a book on a nice, if somewhat hot, day. Her mom and sisters start planting a garden behind the barn. Ashley decides that the female members of the family decided to start planting right then specifically to guilt-trip Ashley into helping them out. Don't worry; ol' Ashley's smarter than that! She decides to go into the house to finish her book.
Personally, I'm think Ashley's probably right about her family's motives. Unless her mother and younger sisters (Emmaline, age 19 and Rachel, age 12) adore working in direct sunlight and heat, I have no idea why they would start planting a garden in the middle of the day. I arrange my outdoor chores so that hot, sunny chores are done first thing in the morning or in the evening; in the middle of the day, I do chores in shade or in farm buildings.
Ashley enjoys a lemonade indoors and brings some out to her sisters and mother who are still working in the garden. In a completely unconvincing moment, Ashley feels a twinge of guilt at not working with her family and far more convincingly collects the glasses and dashes to her room to read in peace so she doesn't get trapped into making dinner.
Ashley's got avoiding work down to an art. What I don't understand is why her mother (or mostly absentee father) doesn't nip this insane level of laziness in the bud. Ashley's a fully emancipated adult; her parents have no legal obligation to provide anything for her. In CP/QF land, her parents have a moral obligation to provide for her and keep her "safe" under their roof until she marries - and Miss Ashley's milking that obligation for all it is worth!
The door rings and eventually Ashley decides to answer the door. A young man is waiting there who Ashley doesn't seem to know. Louis is the orphaned adult son of a man who has a large family and a mother who is an invalid e.g., the standard stock family of handsome, virtuous young men in Victorian novellas. (rolls eyes) Louis is going to be working on Ashley's dad's farm for the summer in exchange for learning how to run "heavy equipment"(pg. 137) that Ashley's father owns.
My take-away from this section is that Ashley's dad is taking advantage of a local dead farmer's son. Look, Ashley's and Louis' families are part of the same community and the only rule in farming communities - the only rule - is that you help out other families when tragedies strikes because your family could be next. If Louis needs to learn how to run farm equipment to keep the farm going after his dad died, another farmer would teach him - for free - and would be horrified at the idea of accepting money (or work) for that right away. The payback would be when Louis helped someone else out who was in need.
In reality, the immoral actions of Ashley's dad happened because Mrs. McDonald knows nothing about farming. Running equipment takes some practice for sure, but it's not the most important part of running a farm. The make-or-break part is knowing what to plant, when to plant, when to harvest, and how to control risk. Now, we never hear how old Louis is, but my father-in-law and grandfather-in-law were making decisions about planting and ration choices for dairy cows at age 14. Clearly, that's not ideal for a lot of reasons, but in emergency situations teenagers can keep small farms running fairly well. Since Louis is of marriageable age and inherited a large farm, he would not be taking a summer job at Ashley's dad's farm; he'd be learning on his own farm. Now, make Louis a teenager who is the younger son on a small farm with an older brother who took over the farm and this makes more sense.
One more issue and I'll get back to the plot line. Who is going to inherit Ashley's family farm? The time period on which this story is set is kept vague. There is never a mention of any sons in the family so presumably one of the girls is the next presumed heir of the farm.
Back to the story. The next scene shows that Ashley is so self-centered that she cannot follow a conversation during a family-style meal where everyone is talking about their day. She jarringly interrupts everyone to discuss how she made the salad that they ate at lunch once everyone else was talking about using ornaments to keep birds from eating tomatoes (a problem I've never had...) and about an escaped cow coming on their property. The cow had another neighbor's apron snagged on her head. (That story was pretty funny - although nothing like really trying to catch and escaped cow with something trapped on their head. Ask me how I know :-) )
Apparently, making a fool of herself in front of guests finally makes Ashley's mom realize that Ashley needs to be assigned chores daily. Of course, there are no consequences attached to not doing any chores so Ashley proceeds to ignore the assigned list. Truthfully, Ashley's behavior makes more sense to me than the behavior of the rest of the family.
Time passes. Ashley decides Louis really came to the farm to be with her rather than train. This would be an unbelievable plot twist for most characters, but since Ashley's a raging narcissist I'm more surprised that this outcome has taken this long to develop. Of course Louis would be pining for Ashley! Ashley's the center of the universe and everyone shines in her brilliant light!
One morning, Emmaline and Rachel are sitting nervously in the kitchen. The two other sisters function entirely as foils to Ashley. They are hardworking, reliable, skilled, pleasant, and completely undifferentiated characters. The girls are nervous because their parents and Louis are talking alone in the parlor! The younger girls are worried that something happened to Louis' invalid mother - the one who has been left alone at home during this whole story - while Ashley's calmly confident that Louis is finally asking her parents for permission to marry her.
Needless to say, the invalid mother is fine...somehow. Louis has asked permission to marry the angelic shadow being known as Emmaline which Ashley learns by eavesdropping on Emmaline and their mother. Apparently, Louis was impressed because she was Godly, pretty in a standard feminine way, didn't rock the boat and knew how to work hard. (Seriously. That's the answer to "Why do you want to marry my daughter?" apparently.) No idea how Emmaline feels about this because the story pans back to Ashley sitting alone eavesdropping on the conversation.
In a believable moment, Ashley is enraged! Not so believably, Ashley is enraged at herself for having foolish fantasies. Sorry, Mrs. McDonald, but that's not how narcissists work. In real life, enraged Ashley would go tearing into the library or parlor or wherever the people were and rip Emmaline to shreds, imply that Louis was a mistaken idiot for getting the two of them confused, and launch into planning for the wedding of Louis and Ashley. Ashley is the CENTER of the universe - and woe betide anyone who forgets that!
The chapter ends with Ashley having a heart-changing come-to-Jesus moment where she realizes her own weaknesses and decides to change. It rings completely untrue. Best case scenario would be that Ashley devalues Louis to a peon-yokel and simply makes everyone miserable as a bridesmaidzilla. Worst case scenario - well, don't let Ashley near Emmaline's food or drink, ok?
I wonder how often something like this happens in CP/QF families. The toxic theology of forgiving means forgetting is bad enough with healthy people involved. The absolute lack of boundaries combined with no consequences can lead to an unbalanced person holding the entire family hostage.
The writing in this section is solid since the genre is playing to Mrs. McDonald's strengths. The main issue for me is that Mrs. McDonald's vignettes of farm life range stretch believability.
The main thing I enjoyed about this section is that the female lead character is a full-blown narcissist. She's a complete mental case - and I doubt Mrs. McDonald meant for her to be written like that. This chick is totally unconcerned with anything that does not directly and immediately affect her and has an overblown sense of her own importance. Mrs. McDonald implies that these characteristics are due to Ashley's habit of reading novels, but personality disorders do not spring from a healthy mind even a healthy mind with a habit for romance novels.
This is a bit of a first, but I don't have any direct quotes from the chapter.
The story starts with Ashley (who is 22) resting in a hammock while reading a book on a nice, if somewhat hot, day. Her mom and sisters start planting a garden behind the barn. Ashley decides that the female members of the family decided to start planting right then specifically to guilt-trip Ashley into helping them out. Don't worry; ol' Ashley's smarter than that! She decides to go into the house to finish her book.
Personally, I'm think Ashley's probably right about her family's motives. Unless her mother and younger sisters (Emmaline, age 19 and Rachel, age 12) adore working in direct sunlight and heat, I have no idea why they would start planting a garden in the middle of the day. I arrange my outdoor chores so that hot, sunny chores are done first thing in the morning or in the evening; in the middle of the day, I do chores in shade or in farm buildings.
Ashley enjoys a lemonade indoors and brings some out to her sisters and mother who are still working in the garden. In a completely unconvincing moment, Ashley feels a twinge of guilt at not working with her family and far more convincingly collects the glasses and dashes to her room to read in peace so she doesn't get trapped into making dinner.
Ashley's got avoiding work down to an art. What I don't understand is why her mother (or mostly absentee father) doesn't nip this insane level of laziness in the bud. Ashley's a fully emancipated adult; her parents have no legal obligation to provide anything for her. In CP/QF land, her parents have a moral obligation to provide for her and keep her "safe" under their roof until she marries - and Miss Ashley's milking that obligation for all it is worth!
The door rings and eventually Ashley decides to answer the door. A young man is waiting there who Ashley doesn't seem to know. Louis is the orphaned adult son of a man who has a large family and a mother who is an invalid e.g., the standard stock family of handsome, virtuous young men in Victorian novellas. (rolls eyes) Louis is going to be working on Ashley's dad's farm for the summer in exchange for learning how to run "heavy equipment"(pg. 137) that Ashley's father owns.
My take-away from this section is that Ashley's dad is taking advantage of a local dead farmer's son. Look, Ashley's and Louis' families are part of the same community and the only rule in farming communities - the only rule - is that you help out other families when tragedies strikes because your family could be next. If Louis needs to learn how to run farm equipment to keep the farm going after his dad died, another farmer would teach him - for free - and would be horrified at the idea of accepting money (or work) for that right away. The payback would be when Louis helped someone else out who was in need.
In reality, the immoral actions of Ashley's dad happened because Mrs. McDonald knows nothing about farming. Running equipment takes some practice for sure, but it's not the most important part of running a farm. The make-or-break part is knowing what to plant, when to plant, when to harvest, and how to control risk. Now, we never hear how old Louis is, but my father-in-law and grandfather-in-law were making decisions about planting and ration choices for dairy cows at age 14. Clearly, that's not ideal for a lot of reasons, but in emergency situations teenagers can keep small farms running fairly well. Since Louis is of marriageable age and inherited a large farm, he would not be taking a summer job at Ashley's dad's farm; he'd be learning on his own farm. Now, make Louis a teenager who is the younger son on a small farm with an older brother who took over the farm and this makes more sense.
One more issue and I'll get back to the plot line. Who is going to inherit Ashley's family farm? The time period on which this story is set is kept vague. There is never a mention of any sons in the family so presumably one of the girls is the next presumed heir of the farm.
Back to the story. The next scene shows that Ashley is so self-centered that she cannot follow a conversation during a family-style meal where everyone is talking about their day. She jarringly interrupts everyone to discuss how she made the salad that they ate at lunch once everyone else was talking about using ornaments to keep birds from eating tomatoes (a problem I've never had...) and about an escaped cow coming on their property. The cow had another neighbor's apron snagged on her head. (That story was pretty funny - although nothing like really trying to catch and escaped cow with something trapped on their head. Ask me how I know :-) )
Apparently, making a fool of herself in front of guests finally makes Ashley's mom realize that Ashley needs to be assigned chores daily. Of course, there are no consequences attached to not doing any chores so Ashley proceeds to ignore the assigned list. Truthfully, Ashley's behavior makes more sense to me than the behavior of the rest of the family.
Time passes. Ashley decides Louis really came to the farm to be with her rather than train. This would be an unbelievable plot twist for most characters, but since Ashley's a raging narcissist I'm more surprised that this outcome has taken this long to develop. Of course Louis would be pining for Ashley! Ashley's the center of the universe and everyone shines in her brilliant light!
One morning, Emmaline and Rachel are sitting nervously in the kitchen. The two other sisters function entirely as foils to Ashley. They are hardworking, reliable, skilled, pleasant, and completely undifferentiated characters. The girls are nervous because their parents and Louis are talking alone in the parlor! The younger girls are worried that something happened to Louis' invalid mother - the one who has been left alone at home during this whole story - while Ashley's calmly confident that Louis is finally asking her parents for permission to marry her.
Needless to say, the invalid mother is fine...somehow. Louis has asked permission to marry the angelic shadow being known as Emmaline which Ashley learns by eavesdropping on Emmaline and their mother. Apparently, Louis was impressed because she was Godly, pretty in a standard feminine way, didn't rock the boat and knew how to work hard. (Seriously. That's the answer to "Why do you want to marry my daughter?" apparently.) No idea how Emmaline feels about this because the story pans back to Ashley sitting alone eavesdropping on the conversation.
In a believable moment, Ashley is enraged! Not so believably, Ashley is enraged at herself for having foolish fantasies. Sorry, Mrs. McDonald, but that's not how narcissists work. In real life, enraged Ashley would go tearing into the library or parlor or wherever the people were and rip Emmaline to shreds, imply that Louis was a mistaken idiot for getting the two of them confused, and launch into planning for the wedding of Louis and Ashley. Ashley is the CENTER of the universe - and woe betide anyone who forgets that!
The chapter ends with Ashley having a heart-changing come-to-Jesus moment where she realizes her own weaknesses and decides to change. It rings completely untrue. Best case scenario would be that Ashley devalues Louis to a peon-yokel and simply makes everyone miserable as a bridesmaidzilla. Worst case scenario - well, don't let Ashley near Emmaline's food or drink, ok?
I wonder how often something like this happens in CP/QF families. The toxic theology of forgiving means forgetting is bad enough with healthy people involved. The absolute lack of boundaries combined with no consequences can lead to an unbalanced person holding the entire family hostage.
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
CP/QF Crazy: Family with 9 Kids Lives in Garage.....
Large family blogs - regardless of whether they claim the Quiverfull name - are a quirky blend of great ideas mixed pell-mell with horrible ideas. Amy, who blogs at Raising Arrows, often has sensible tips for organizing spaces - but this old post slides rapidly into "Yeah, that's illegal under housing codes and CPS have a field day with this one."
Posted two days before Christmas in 2005, Amy rhapsodizes about the minimalist simplicity that a family of 11 has achieved by living in a two-car garage to save money while building their dream home which will "hopefully" get finished next year. The family has three-tiered bunk beds with a crib at the end for all their kids! They have food storage and cooking equipment on self-constructed shelves! Their living room furnishings are a couch, a chair and a chest! It's great because the garage already has a built-in bathroom plus kitchen equipment and laundry hook-ups! Couldn't we all learn from the simplicity of this family?
No. This is a horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad idea. Let's discuss why for anyone who hasn't run through why we don't all live in garages.
First, Amy works hard at making the garage seem livable by claiming the built-in bathroom plus kitchen set-up and laundry room is an "apartment" which is always described in quotation marks. That's a bad idea because rental units like apartments often have much stricter housing codes to follow than a "dwelling" so let's call it a "dwelling" because it's not going to make the easier codes for a dwelling.
I've pulled up the APHA-CDC recommended minimum housing standards from 1986. Now, as long as the bathroom has a shower and sink, the garage manages to have the basic facilities and equipment required for habitation.
Things fall apart in the "Fire and Safety Section".
Posted two days before Christmas in 2005, Amy rhapsodizes about the minimalist simplicity that a family of 11 has achieved by living in a two-car garage to save money while building their dream home which will "hopefully" get finished next year. The family has three-tiered bunk beds with a crib at the end for all their kids! They have food storage and cooking equipment on self-constructed shelves! Their living room furnishings are a couch, a chair and a chest! It's great because the garage already has a built-in bathroom plus kitchen equipment and laundry hook-ups! Couldn't we all learn from the simplicity of this family?
No. This is a horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad idea. Let's discuss why for anyone who hasn't run through why we don't all live in garages.
First, Amy works hard at making the garage seem livable by claiming the built-in bathroom plus kitchen set-up and laundry room is an "apartment" which is always described in quotation marks. That's a bad idea because rental units like apartments often have much stricter housing codes to follow than a "dwelling" so let's call it a "dwelling" because it's not going to make the easier codes for a dwelling.
I've pulled up the APHA-CDC recommended minimum housing standards from 1986. Now, as long as the bathroom has a shower and sink, the garage manages to have the basic facilities and equipment required for habitation.
Things fall apart in the "Fire and Safety Section".
- A dwelling has to have two separate exits to ground level in case of fire - which many garages do not have.
- Bedrooms located below the 4th floor of a building have to have a window large enough to act as an emergency egress. We don't see that often on garages here in Michigan.
- All external doors have to have a deadbolt lock or equivalent which is hard to do on a garage door.
In the "Lighting and Ventilation" section, a dwelling must have windows in all non-bathroom spaces that are equal to at least 8% of the total square footage and the windows must be openable to allow ventilation. In my experience, garages tend to either have horrible ventilation because of too few windows or are drafty. The drafty ones might survive the ventilation section, but I think they will get dinged later on.
I don't know where Amy lives - but dwellings have to have a dedicated source of heat according to Section 7. This heating unit must be able to keep the entire living space - including the bathroom - at 68 degrees F for families that don't include the elderly, ill, or infants. Since the family idolized in the post contains a 10 month old infant, the internal temperature must be at 70 degrees F. In my experience, that's going to be one of the biggest challenges for this family if they want to live in the garage legally, let alone comfortably. Garages are not generally insulated very well - or at all. Any heat generating unit is going to bleed heat outward through all three or four external walls much faster than a standard house would. If the family lives somewhere really warm where homes are not as heavily insulated as they are in the Great Lakes, they might not freeze to death - but the family is going to be in a world of hurt in the summer!
The first problem my husband and I thought of when making a long list of why people don't live in garages is that the folding doors that let cars in and out of garages are impossible to rodent-proof or insect-proof to the requirements of dwellings. I grew up in the city where we had more mice brought in the house by senile cats than entered on their own; my husband grew up in the country where people get a few mice in the house every year regardless of the number of cats they have. We both remember seeing mice in our respective garages. Truthfully, my bigger concern would be rats. They have two kids sleeping at the floor level and an infant in a crib - and no one needs to wake up from a rodent bite in the night. I can't even imagine trying to keep the garage free from ants. Every crumb of food would need to be swept up and placed in a sealed trash can, the entire floor mopped and everyone vacuumed to remove any crumbs of food from their clothes after every meal.
At this point, I'm thinking that the family would be better off sleeping in tents, honestly. At least then they would have food and sleeping areas separated which would make infestations a little easier to control.
Under the "Space" requirements, the minimum square footage allowed is equal to 150 + 100(n-1) where n is the total number of occupants. The family has 11 people in it so that's a minimum square footage of 1150 feet. The minimum size of a two car garage is 20' by 20' which is 400 square feet or nearly 1/3 of the minimum square footage. For the family to fit, they would need a slightly larger than average four-car garage.
Under the "Space" requirements, the minimum square footage allowed is equal to 150 + 100(n-1) where n is the total number of occupants. The family has 11 people in it so that's a minimum square footage of 1150 feet. The minimum size of a two car garage is 20' by 20' which is 400 square feet or nearly 1/3 of the minimum square footage. For the family to fit, they would need a slightly larger than average four-car garage.
The original post was written in 2010 - but the comment section is revealing as well. Lots of people wanted an interview with the family who did this. Amy has had some difficulty getting the family to submit pictures or answers to questions asked by the readers. I can think of two reasons for that. The one that sprung to mind right away was being investigated by CPS or DHS for neglect - but Amy swears that the family is now living in a lovely, code-compliant home. There is one other potential issue: if the family has been living in the garage and the garage is truly code-compliant, they are now living on a property with two dwellings - which often brings an entire new set of zoning and taxation issues.
My send off for this post involves sleeping arrangements for the parents. Amy and her family were all over at this adorable, amazing "apartment" for 11 - but she never mentions where the two parents sleep. Is the sofa a sleeper sofa? Are the parents sleeping in a car away from their infant? Do they have an air mattress? Where do they fit in this whole mess - and were the kids being adequately supervised at night?
My send off for this post involves sleeping arrangements for the parents. Amy and her family were all over at this adorable, amazing "apartment" for 11 - but she never mentions where the two parents sleep. Is the sofa a sleeper sofa? Are the parents sleeping in a car away from their infant? Do they have an air mattress? Where do they fit in this whole mess - and were the kids being adequately supervised at night?
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Maidens of Virtue: Chapter Eleven
"Loving Your Own Nest" in "Maidens of Virtue" by Stacy McDonald reads like a standard testimonial of loving your mob of small children in spite of the mess and chaos that make. It's got the standard spiel: a woman feels overwhelmed after comparing her life to the life of a friend whose children are grown. She dreams of how much easier her life would be in the absence of children - but remembers that Bible bit about how children are a blessing. She wouldn't want to give up any of the kids so she stuffs down all of the hard emotions and soldiers on.
It's a standard spiel - but this chapter wasn't written by Stacy McDonald about her children; it was written by her second daughter about her life as a full-time caregiver to her younger siblings.
Yes, not only does Stacy McDonald hand off entire chunks of child-rearing (including cleaning up after the young ones) to her daughters - she also uses deeply personal writings by those daughters to sell books. #mom_of_the_year
The chapter starts with the standard slap at non-homeschooling families that try to interact with her kids:
*sighs*
The question "What do you do for fun?" is one of those mindless but safe questions that adults can ask unrelated kids to make small talk. Some other examples of these types of question/statements are "Hey, you don't have school today!" (upon seeing school-aged kids in the store) because that leads into "Yeah, it's a conference day / exams / MLK / National holiday / snow day!" or "Do you have any siblings / pets?" or "Who is your favorite TV character?" or "What sport do you play?" None of these questions have a hidden agenda in dissing home school or undermining a family's choice of raising their kids without media; it's just small talk.
The weekends with family or questioning about if they like their siblings are more pointed - but that is a potential outcome of choosing to live a lifestyle that is extremely discordant to the wider culture. Most teenagers have at least one after-school activity; it could be a sport, a club, an activity or a job. Most teenagers find their siblings to be irritating from time to time - and I've seen nothing that excludes home schooled teens from that. Personally, my relationship with each of my siblings was improved by having areas where we were not forced to directly interact all the time.
I've never been so certain that CP/QF families actually expect more from their children. The most vocal bloggers and writers on home schooling within CP/QF construct very detailed rationales as to why their students do not need to learn high school level math, science or writing. The students are not learning how to manage time pressures from outside activities along with educational pressures. Many CP/QF kids are so highly sheltered that they are not learning the interpersonal skills that come with having to make friends and dealing with people who are different. Really, it's insulting to the home schooling families who work diligently to provide their students with rigorous curriculum, involvement in community activities and free time with peers to learn how to interact.
I will concede that many QF families expect way too much from their older kids in terms of caring for siblings and chores - and Stacy McDonald's family expects way too much from her older daughters.
Short response to Tiffany's question: Your parents are lazy.
Longer response:
The main attraction as far as I can see to QF theology is that husband-wife couples never have to choose to postpone having another kid ever. They get the continual positive feedback loop of the excitement that surrounds pregnancy, birth and infancy while hiding behind the excuse that "God wants it this way". Looking at the present state of a family can be sobering; deciding to postpone another pregnancy doesn't receive a lot of positive feedback from friends and church members. Plus, spacing a pregnancy takes some planning and sacrifice - doubly so if the couple refuses to use birth control.
The issue, though, is that there is only so much time for Mrs. McDonald to raise her ten children each day. Babies are time-consuming - but toddlers, preschoolers and early elementary aged kids are work. Those age groups need a lot of help learning how to navigate within the family structure and within the wider world. Those ages understand the difference between a parent - who has the right to order them around - and an older sibling - who is not a parent and faces lots of backlash from kids who want their parent.
Somewhere along the lines, the wheels came off the family system in the McDonald house. Yes, small children tend to be messier and noisier than teenagers - but this sounds like chaos. Kids who are old enough to play with puzzles are old enough to put them away. Kids can be trained to remove their shoes before going on carpet - and to use the hose outside to wash their feet off if they have muddy bare feet during the summer. Having small children reaching for hot liquids over their head is a recipe for severe burns - not an adorable anecdote! Tiffany should be allowed to tell the four-year-old to get off her lap while she's eating.
Why didn't this happen? Teaching each of those behaviors takes time. It doesn't take a lot of time - but Mrs. McDonald doesn't have any time left between caring for the most pressing needs, feeding the family and homeschooling. It's easier to justify letting the youngest members of the family run wild than it is to teach them to be respectful of belongings and people.
Stacy McDonald chose to marry her husband. They chose not to practice any form of family planning and ended up with ten children. I chose to marry my husband, practice family planning and have a single son so far. Mothering brings crazy days and hard days - but in the back of my mind I always know that I chose to have my son. I made a choice - and I work with the consequences of that choice.
Tiffany never made a choice.
She's a stay-at-home-mother who has never fallen in love, never had sex and never given birth. She's got all of the work - but none of the perks or security that comes with motherhood. I doubt James or Stacy McDonald would have reacted well if Tiffany or any of the other girls in the congregation who were raising siblings stood up to be recognized on Mother's Day. The McDonalds could kick out Tiffany and cut her off from her younger siblings legally once she turned 18. Tiffany can't make any of the decisions that a wife and mother could make in her own home. She can't kick the kids outside to play while she reads a book or cleans a room in peace. Tiffany can't tell her younger brother or sisters that they have to fold their own laundry and put it away now. She's not even allowed to declare that the "babies" are making life miserable; Tiffany's unhappiness must be caused by Tiffany alone.
This is the point that Tiffany remembers that babies are a blessing from the Lord - but the Bible never mentions how children are blessings for siblings - just parents.
A teenager is too overwhelmed when their comforting rationale for the drudgery of caring for children she didn't bear is that God's refining her soul through fiery trials. That's really depressing - and I'm horrified that her mother after reading this "testimony" decided that not only was her daughter doing fine, but that the story should be included in a book for young women!
I do suspect that this testimony made Stacy McDonald mad on some level because the first two questions in the "Share your Heart" are brutal:
Look, all kids dream of being in a family that is totally different than their own because the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. That's age-appropriate. The best solution for those longings is to spend lots of time around other families because all families have their strengths and weaknesses. Kids should also be allowed to ask for changes in the family's routines. Tiffany doesn't want to be surrounded by toddlers with no sense of boundaries all the time. There's an easy solution of letting Tiffany spend time at her child-free friends' home to recharge her batteries or go to the local library without the young ones in tow. Doing that, of course, would require Mr. and Mrs. McDonald to care for their children and home without one of their teenage daughters around to lessen their load - but that seems fair to me since the teenage daughters don't get input on the family reproduction plan.
Oh, the girls might be treading close the 10th Commandment - but Stacy McDonald threw the Greatest Commandment out the door during her chapter on cleanliness being next to Godliness. I don't see the McDonald parents showing love to their older daughters that is equal to their love of self.
I hope the McDonald girls learned an important lesson from their imperfect family - that couples who marry young and want large families are advised to think about longer spacing between children for the sake of the family over the long term.
It's a standard spiel - but this chapter wasn't written by Stacy McDonald about her children; it was written by her second daughter about her life as a full-time caregiver to her younger siblings.
Yes, not only does Stacy McDonald hand off entire chunks of child-rearing (including cleaning up after the young ones) to her daughters - she also uses deeply personal writings by those daughters to sell books. #mom_of_the_year
The chapter starts with the standard slap at non-homeschooling families that try to interact with her kids:
We teach our children that is an honor and a privilege to serve one another, but there are well-meaning folks who ask our children baffling questions like, " So what do you do for fun?" " You mean you spend your weekends with your family?" " You mean you like being around your brothers and sisters?" Since we require more from our children than the average modern parent expects, it is not surprising when restlessness and discontent attempt to enter the hearts of our children.
When she was still in her teens, our second oldest daughter, Tiffany, shared the following testimony of her own struggle with contentment: (pg. 105)
When she was still in her teens, our second oldest daughter, Tiffany, shared the following testimony of her own struggle with contentment: (pg. 105)
*sighs*
The question "What do you do for fun?" is one of those mindless but safe questions that adults can ask unrelated kids to make small talk. Some other examples of these types of question/statements are "Hey, you don't have school today!" (upon seeing school-aged kids in the store) because that leads into "Yeah, it's a conference day / exams / MLK / National holiday / snow day!" or "Do you have any siblings / pets?" or "Who is your favorite TV character?" or "What sport do you play?" None of these questions have a hidden agenda in dissing home school or undermining a family's choice of raising their kids without media; it's just small talk.
The weekends with family or questioning about if they like their siblings are more pointed - but that is a potential outcome of choosing to live a lifestyle that is extremely discordant to the wider culture. Most teenagers have at least one after-school activity; it could be a sport, a club, an activity or a job. Most teenagers find their siblings to be irritating from time to time - and I've seen nothing that excludes home schooled teens from that. Personally, my relationship with each of my siblings was improved by having areas where we were not forced to directly interact all the time.
I've never been so certain that CP/QF families actually expect more from their children. The most vocal bloggers and writers on home schooling within CP/QF construct very detailed rationales as to why their students do not need to learn high school level math, science or writing. The students are not learning how to manage time pressures from outside activities along with educational pressures. Many CP/QF kids are so highly sheltered that they are not learning the interpersonal skills that come with having to make friends and dealing with people who are different. Really, it's insulting to the home schooling families who work diligently to provide their students with rigorous curriculum, involvement in community activities and free time with peers to learn how to interact.
I will concede that many QF families expect way too much from their older kids in terms of caring for siblings and chores - and Stacy McDonald's family expects way too much from her older daughters.
There was a time when I found myself wishing for a life that God had not chosen for me. One night, when the house was quiet, I snuggled beneath my warm, thick comforter and began to reflect upon recent days.
I quietly remembered visiting some friends in their home. They have three children who have graduated from high school and no longer have babies to watch and messes to clean. I recall envy filling my heart as I looked around their house and noticed that their living room was spotless. There were no puzzle pieces under the coffee table waiting to be put back where they belong. They didn't have mud stains on the carpet by the door from little feet, or coffee stains by the counter from chubby fingers reaching for a good sip of sweetened coffee and cream ----and no dirty diapers to change! Their time seems to be their own. I imagine relaxing on the couch with a good book and no noisy toddlers running about. I envisioned eating a piece of cake without a 4 year old climbing in my lap to ask for a bite. Peace! Why couldn't our family be that way? (pg. 106)
I quietly remembered visiting some friends in their home. They have three children who have graduated from high school and no longer have babies to watch and messes to clean. I recall envy filling my heart as I looked around their house and noticed that their living room was spotless. There were no puzzle pieces under the coffee table waiting to be put back where they belong. They didn't have mud stains on the carpet by the door from little feet, or coffee stains by the counter from chubby fingers reaching for a good sip of sweetened coffee and cream ----and no dirty diapers to change! Their time seems to be their own. I imagine relaxing on the couch with a good book and no noisy toddlers running about. I envisioned eating a piece of cake without a 4 year old climbing in my lap to ask for a bite. Peace! Why couldn't our family be that way? (pg. 106)
Short response to Tiffany's question: Your parents are lazy.
Longer response:
The main attraction as far as I can see to QF theology is that husband-wife couples never have to choose to postpone having another kid ever. They get the continual positive feedback loop of the excitement that surrounds pregnancy, birth and infancy while hiding behind the excuse that "God wants it this way". Looking at the present state of a family can be sobering; deciding to postpone another pregnancy doesn't receive a lot of positive feedback from friends and church members. Plus, spacing a pregnancy takes some planning and sacrifice - doubly so if the couple refuses to use birth control.
The issue, though, is that there is only so much time for Mrs. McDonald to raise her ten children each day. Babies are time-consuming - but toddlers, preschoolers and early elementary aged kids are work. Those age groups need a lot of help learning how to navigate within the family structure and within the wider world. Those ages understand the difference between a parent - who has the right to order them around - and an older sibling - who is not a parent and faces lots of backlash from kids who want their parent.
Somewhere along the lines, the wheels came off the family system in the McDonald house. Yes, small children tend to be messier and noisier than teenagers - but this sounds like chaos. Kids who are old enough to play with puzzles are old enough to put them away. Kids can be trained to remove their shoes before going on carpet - and to use the hose outside to wash their feet off if they have muddy bare feet during the summer. Having small children reaching for hot liquids over their head is a recipe for severe burns - not an adorable anecdote! Tiffany should be allowed to tell the four-year-old to get off her lap while she's eating.
Why didn't this happen? Teaching each of those behaviors takes time. It doesn't take a lot of time - but Mrs. McDonald doesn't have any time left between caring for the most pressing needs, feeding the family and homeschooling. It's easier to justify letting the youngest members of the family run wild than it is to teach them to be respectful of belongings and people.
Discontentment began to creep in and take dominion over my life. Everyday I would find some other fault with our family, some other reason to be jealous. My every thought seem to begin with, "If only our family..."
The babies began to be burdensome to me; they were no longer a joy to be around. It seemed like every day brought more messes and even more laundry to fold and put away. I thought it was the babies who are being grumpy, when in reality, it was I. (pg. 106)
The babies began to be burdensome to me; they were no longer a joy to be around. It seemed like every day brought more messes and even more laundry to fold and put away. I thought it was the babies who are being grumpy, when in reality, it was I. (pg. 106)
Stacy McDonald chose to marry her husband. They chose not to practice any form of family planning and ended up with ten children. I chose to marry my husband, practice family planning and have a single son so far. Mothering brings crazy days and hard days - but in the back of my mind I always know that I chose to have my son. I made a choice - and I work with the consequences of that choice.
Tiffany never made a choice.
She's a stay-at-home-mother who has never fallen in love, never had sex and never given birth. She's got all of the work - but none of the perks or security that comes with motherhood. I doubt James or Stacy McDonald would have reacted well if Tiffany or any of the other girls in the congregation who were raising siblings stood up to be recognized on Mother's Day. The McDonalds could kick out Tiffany and cut her off from her younger siblings legally once she turned 18. Tiffany can't make any of the decisions that a wife and mother could make in her own home. She can't kick the kids outside to play while she reads a book or cleans a room in peace. Tiffany can't tell her younger brother or sisters that they have to fold their own laundry and put it away now. She's not even allowed to declare that the "babies" are making life miserable; Tiffany's unhappiness must be caused by Tiffany alone.
This is the point that Tiffany remembers that babies are a blessing from the Lord - but the Bible never mentions how children are blessings for siblings - just parents.
A discontented spirit had begun to weigh me down. I had been cross, mean, and miserable. When I could bear it no longer, I finally called on the Lord to bring me out of the "miry pit". I asked him to set my feet on a " firm foundation," which reminded me of one of my favorite hymns. The fourth verse in " How Firm A Foundation" has encouraged me often. It reads:
When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply:
the flame shall not hurt thee, I only design
the dross to consume, and thy gold to refine. (pg. 106-107)
When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply:
the flame shall not hurt thee, I only design
the dross to consume, and thy gold to refine. (pg. 106-107)
A teenager is too overwhelmed when their comforting rationale for the drudgery of caring for children she didn't bear is that God's refining her soul through fiery trials. That's really depressing - and I'm horrified that her mother after reading this "testimony" decided that not only was her daughter doing fine, but that the story should be included in a book for young women!
I do suspect that this testimony made Stacy McDonald mad on some level because the first two questions in the "Share your Heart" are brutal:
Do you ever wish you were part of another family instead of your own or wonder if other daughters have it easier or better than you do? How could this type of thinking be a rejection of God's Sovereign will--- and ultimately rebellion against God? (pg 108)
Look, all kids dream of being in a family that is totally different than their own because the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. That's age-appropriate. The best solution for those longings is to spend lots of time around other families because all families have their strengths and weaknesses. Kids should also be allowed to ask for changes in the family's routines. Tiffany doesn't want to be surrounded by toddlers with no sense of boundaries all the time. There's an easy solution of letting Tiffany spend time at her child-free friends' home to recharge her batteries or go to the local library without the young ones in tow. Doing that, of course, would require Mr. and Mrs. McDonald to care for their children and home without one of their teenage daughters around to lessen their load - but that seems fair to me since the teenage daughters don't get input on the family reproduction plan.
Which Commandment are you breaking when you look at another family and long for the life they live? If you've been guilty of this, stop right now and repent. Pray that God will forgive you and give you a thankful spirit for what he has given you. Pray that you will learn from your imperfect family all that God wants to teach you. (pg. 108)
Oh, the girls might be treading close the 10th Commandment - but Stacy McDonald threw the Greatest Commandment out the door during her chapter on cleanliness being next to Godliness. I don't see the McDonald parents showing love to their older daughters that is equal to their love of self.
I hope the McDonald girls learned an important lesson from their imperfect family - that couples who marry young and want large families are advised to think about longer spacing between children for the sake of the family over the long term.
Friday, February 2, 2018
Adoption Issues: Communication between Home and School
Well, the baby is feeling a bit better today - but I caught his cold. I'm running far enough behind that reading in a chapter of either of the book reviews will have to wait until the weekend - but I have a blog post review waiting in my back pocket.
I wrote a previous blog post about the Corkum family: two parents, two biological kids, one adopted son adopted in accordance with best practices followed by the adoption of three unrelated teenagers who were substantially older than the other three kids. The last three adoptions have been a complete mess and by 2016 all three of the kids were living in other placements.
Prior to the oldest adopted kids leaving, the most disruptive kid was placed in public schools. Melissa Corkum had previously home schooled all of the kids using the classical method so this was a hard transition for her. She wrote a post about things that the kid's teacher has said that are emotionally devastating to her. The post made me laugh because I've said all of these things to parents (or something pretty close) before and I can promise that the teacher did not mean what Mrs. Corkum heard.
Statement One:
I wrote a previous blog post about the Corkum family: two parents, two biological kids, one adopted son adopted in accordance with best practices followed by the adoption of three unrelated teenagers who were substantially older than the other three kids. The last three adoptions have been a complete mess and by 2016 all three of the kids were living in other placements.
Prior to the oldest adopted kids leaving, the most disruptive kid was placed in public schools. Melissa Corkum had previously home schooled all of the kids using the classical method so this was a hard transition for her. She wrote a post about things that the kid's teacher has said that are emotionally devastating to her. The post made me laugh because I've said all of these things to parents (or something pretty close) before and I can promise that the teacher did not mean what Mrs. Corkum heard.
Statement One:
“She has been super cooperative for me.”
Monday, January 22, 2018
Adoption Issues: What Not to Do for ANY Children
I was bumbling around on various home schooling blogs and stumbled upon Melissa Corkum's blog at The Cork Board while learning a bit about the classical method of home schooling.
Despite researching home schooling issues for several years, I'm still surprised at the number of home schooling parents who branch out into questionable choices in international adoption.
The Corkum family has six kids. They had two biological children, then adopted "Tee" when he was about 2 years old in 2009. (Her blog uses names for the kids which I assume are pseudonyms - but since I am unsure - I'm just going to use initials.) Tee's adoption is a good example of how international adoption can be beneficial. Melissa was adopted as an infant from Korea - which is where Tee is adopted from - so she has experience of being Asian-American in the USA as well as being adopted. Tee was the youngest child when adopted in. It took Tee several years to fully feel comfortable in his new home and he eventually received an additional diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorders (FASD). Tee seems to have academic struggles - but Melissa is actively involved in creating a classical curriculum that combines weekly planned co-op lessons with reinforcement at home. IOW, Tee's adoption seems to have worked out well.
By 2011, the family was in a good groove. At that point, the Corkums decided to adopt again but from Ethiopia instead. They were open to matching up to three adoptees with no restrictions on gender, relation, or age of the kids. They were matched with two unrelated kids: a 14-year old boy named "Jay" and a 13-year old girl named "Kay". On top of being unrelated to each other, Jay and Kay are substantially older than the Corkum's biological children and Tee. While finalizing Jay's adoption in Ethiopia, the Corkums find out that Jay was being raised with another orphan: 11-year old "Gee". The Corkums decide to adopt Gee to keep Jay and Gee together. In a post, Melissa mentions obliquely that at that point the adoption agency informed Melissa and her husband that adopting three unrelated teenagers is not recommended - but the adoption of Gee proceeds.
Long story short: Jay and Kay have troubles settling into a home-schooling family that doesn't speak the same language in a foreign country. Gee struggles even more and eventually needs in-patient treatment. By 2016, the kids are 18, 17, and 15 and none of them are living with the Corkums.
In 2014, Melissa wrote a post titled "What Not To Do In Older Child Adoption" that lists four mistakes the Corkums made that I feel safe broadening to "Don't Do For ANY Children" based on my years of teaching scads of unaccompanied minors, teenage refugees and kids in foster care kids as well as garden-variety teenagers.
Perhaps the parents could focus more on the positives about Ethiopia (and there are a lot) and leave the attitude of American superiority behind.
I live in a rural area that smells like diesel mixed with either cow manure, pig manure or turkey manure depending on which way the wind blows. The area I grew up in smelled like gasoline fumes mixed with stale fast-food or industrial machinery depending on which way the wind blew. The places I like to vacation smell mostly like rotting fresh water plants, dead leaves, and the occasional whiff of animal urine. It's all about perspective - and what you are used to.
Is it so crazy that eating ice in Ethiopia might cause tonsillitis - or at least one hell of a sore throat? Let's say the health teacher was completely wrong. We have people in the US who believe that homeopathy works, taking colloidal silver during pregnancy reduces morning sickness, and that psychological struggles by adopted children can be cured by forced hugging. Go to a public place in the US and ask 30 people why Michael Jackson's skin turned from brown to white. How many different answers do you'll think I'd get and what percentage would be correct? Plus, these kids spent most of their lives speaking a different language and have only been immersed in English for 20 months at this point. I can only imagine what kind of a mess I would make if I had to explain how a vaccine works in Amheric or Oromo - even with 20 months immersion.
This next one freaks me out in terms of inappropriate bashing of a teenager:
A real benefit to home schooling that I believe in is that parent-teachers can meet their kids where they are functioning and help them move forward to the next level. Nearly every home schooling parent blog has at least post about how public schools are failing to meet their child exactly where they are at. (Ironically - so does Melissa. It's in reference to one of the adopted kids no less - but that's another blog post.) When confronted with having to practice that level of adaption her home school, she decides to tell her teens how badly are doing compared to other teens their age to shame them into working harder. That's unacceptable behavior for a teacher in a public school - and so much more hurtful when the teacher is also your adopted mother.
This last one made me laugh. Melissa has spent a lot of time around home schooled teens - but maybe not so much the average teenager at home before adopting her teens.
I need to thank my parents again for ignoring and overlooking "attitude" body language. Teenagers need some way to blow off the emotional energy created by every teen's beliefs that 1) their parents are overbearing and obnoxious, 2) no one understand them, and 3) life will be so much better once they are out of the house. I'm willing to bet the teens knew that their body language was angry, grumpy, bored or checked-out; those types of body language are pretty universal. What is equally important is that the parents -and teachers - pick their battles wisely. I could care less if a student was slouched in their desk or spent the whole hour glaring at me - that's their choice and it's not hurting me or anyone else.
I agree battling over body language was pointless and counter-productive - but mainly because micromanagement of teenagers is a bad idea.
Well, those are the four that I found disconcerting. The original post has six more issues the Corkums ran into. Next, I'll look at a post that shows how teachers can say things that are heard very differently by the parents of a student who is having behavior issues at home.
Completely OT - but hey, that's the benefit of blogging - while this is being posted, I'll be at the doctor's office with a screaming 13.5 month old baby who needs 5 injections (two for RSV, one HepB, one MMRV and one polio) for the second month in a row. Last month was two for RSV, one for HiB, one for HepA, and one for PCV-13. I'd rather he have the transient pain of a shot than any of these diseases - but damn, I'll be glad when April rolls around and he's back to one or no shots at the doctor's office.
Despite researching home schooling issues for several years, I'm still surprised at the number of home schooling parents who branch out into questionable choices in international adoption.
The Corkum family has six kids. They had two biological children, then adopted "Tee" when he was about 2 years old in 2009. (Her blog uses names for the kids which I assume are pseudonyms - but since I am unsure - I'm just going to use initials.) Tee's adoption is a good example of how international adoption can be beneficial. Melissa was adopted as an infant from Korea - which is where Tee is adopted from - so she has experience of being Asian-American in the USA as well as being adopted. Tee was the youngest child when adopted in. It took Tee several years to fully feel comfortable in his new home and he eventually received an additional diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorders (FASD). Tee seems to have academic struggles - but Melissa is actively involved in creating a classical curriculum that combines weekly planned co-op lessons with reinforcement at home. IOW, Tee's adoption seems to have worked out well.
By 2011, the family was in a good groove. At that point, the Corkums decided to adopt again but from Ethiopia instead. They were open to matching up to three adoptees with no restrictions on gender, relation, or age of the kids. They were matched with two unrelated kids: a 14-year old boy named "Jay" and a 13-year old girl named "Kay". On top of being unrelated to each other, Jay and Kay are substantially older than the Corkum's biological children and Tee. While finalizing Jay's adoption in Ethiopia, the Corkums find out that Jay was being raised with another orphan: 11-year old "Gee". The Corkums decide to adopt Gee to keep Jay and Gee together. In a post, Melissa mentions obliquely that at that point the adoption agency informed Melissa and her husband that adopting three unrelated teenagers is not recommended - but the adoption of Gee proceeds.
Long story short: Jay and Kay have troubles settling into a home-schooling family that doesn't speak the same language in a foreign country. Gee struggles even more and eventually needs in-patient treatment. By 2016, the kids are 18, 17, and 15 and none of them are living with the Corkums.
In 2014, Melissa wrote a post titled "What Not To Do In Older Child Adoption" that lists four mistakes the Corkums made that I feel safe broadening to "Don't Do For ANY Children" based on my years of teaching scads of unaccompanied minors, teenage refugees and kids in foster care kids as well as garden-variety teenagers.
Do not dis your child’s country of origin…ever. Or at least not until they develop a sense of humor. We adore Ethiopia but the truth is that it’s polluted and smoggy with an unmistakable diesel-mixed-with-raw-sewage smell, and they teach weird, backward things in health class. It will not build trust in your child to look incredulously at them when they tell you their health teacher taught them eating ice will give you tonsillitis or that Michael Jackson turned white because he had his skin turned inside out.
Perhaps the parents could focus more on the positives about Ethiopia (and there are a lot) and leave the attitude of American superiority behind.
I live in a rural area that smells like diesel mixed with either cow manure, pig manure or turkey manure depending on which way the wind blows. The area I grew up in smelled like gasoline fumes mixed with stale fast-food or industrial machinery depending on which way the wind blew. The places I like to vacation smell mostly like rotting fresh water plants, dead leaves, and the occasional whiff of animal urine. It's all about perspective - and what you are used to.
Is it so crazy that eating ice in Ethiopia might cause tonsillitis - or at least one hell of a sore throat? Let's say the health teacher was completely wrong. We have people in the US who believe that homeopathy works, taking colloidal silver during pregnancy reduces morning sickness, and that psychological struggles by adopted children can be cured by forced hugging. Go to a public place in the US and ask 30 people why Michael Jackson's skin turned from brown to white. How many different answers do you'll think I'd get and what percentage would be correct? Plus, these kids spent most of their lives speaking a different language and have only been immersed in English for 20 months at this point. I can only imagine what kind of a mess I would make if I had to explain how a vaccine works in Amheric or Oromo - even with 20 months immersion.
This next one freaks me out in terms of inappropriate bashing of a teenager:
Do not minimize felt discomfort. We respected their boundaries pretty well for the first 3 months. Then the honeymoon ended and so did my patience. Instead of honoring the fact that eye contact felt weird or that hearing the words “I love you” (even between two other people) were like nails on a chalk board, we verbalized how ridiculous they were acting. We probably should have tried “I wonder why ‘I love you’ makes you so uncomfortable?” (and been okay with a non-answer) when we really said, “That’s unhealthy. What are you going to do when you get married?…Nope, you won’t find a husband that’s okay with never saying those words. No really. Not going to happen. Ever. And that’s why you’re still in therapy, since you asked yesterday.”
First, thirty seconds of imagination should cure people of struggling to understand why it takes a long time for people to change their patterns of eye contact and expressing affection.- Imagine being transported to a culture where people always look over the left shoulder of the person they are talking to as a sign of respect and looking someone in the eye is a sign of rebellion or disinterest. I'd be insulting people left and right - and 20 months would barely make a dent in the habit.
- Now, imagine a culture where the accepted affectionate greeting between romantic partners is a deep tongue kiss. Saliva should be exchanged. People do this at the store, in church, at home and in front of elderly relatives. I'm an adult and it would take me at least a year to not have a shocked / vaguely repulsed expression on my face when people played tonsil hockey in front of me. Teenage me would have been even worse.
Melissa's response to her daughter's repulsion at hearing adults say "I love you" was brutal and callous. She essentially tells her daughter that she's not marriageable because verbal affection in public bothers her. Guess what? There are plenty of cultures where married adults do not exchange romantic or affectionate gestures in public or around other people. Better that her daughter find someone who can respect her personal boundaries than force herself to be uncomfortable all of her married life.
Her flippant and cruel taunt about therapy was childishly hurtful. Therapy has saved my life and greatly enriched the lives of many people I know. I'm sure her daughter is in therapy to deal with issues surrounding the loss of her biological family, the loss of her culture, the trauma of an international adoption, and the stress of living with a family of complete strangers. That's plenty of issues to work on that are far more serious than not liking public displays of affection. Melissa needs to get some individual and group therapy herself to learn better skills to control her anger rather than vent on a hurt teenager.
Her flippant and cruel taunt about therapy was childishly hurtful. Therapy has saved my life and greatly enriched the lives of many people I know. I'm sure her daughter is in therapy to deal with issues surrounding the loss of her biological family, the loss of her culture, the trauma of an international adoption, and the stress of living with a family of complete strangers. That's plenty of issues to work on that are far more serious than not liking public displays of affection. Melissa needs to get some individual and group therapy herself to learn better skills to control her anger rather than vent on a hurt teenager.
This next one boggles my mind coming from an experienced, successful home schooling parent:
Do not build expectations based around age. I wish we had established early on that we would make decisions and create expectations around currently exhibited skills. I love the way my friend, Alex, uses language such as, “Your behavior is communicating to me that you don’t feel safe enough or able to (insert something like "make your own food decisions" here). Let me help you this time and we’ll try again another time.” My tendency has been to frustratingly point out that kids their age should be able to follow a 2 step direction or copy a paragraph with minimal mistakes. We’ve also used words like “catch up” and “act like a big girl/boy” and “you SHOULD know that.” Bad ideas…even when your teenager showers with the shower curtain all.the.way open with no rug on the floor because the rug was hanging on the rod which, of course, made the curtain impossible to close.
A real benefit to home schooling that I believe in is that parent-teachers can meet their kids where they are functioning and help them move forward to the next level. Nearly every home schooling parent blog has at least post about how public schools are failing to meet their child exactly where they are at. (Ironically - so does Melissa. It's in reference to one of the adopted kids no less - but that's another blog post.) When confronted with having to practice that level of adaption her home school, she decides to tell her teens how badly are doing compared to other teens their age to shame them into working harder. That's unacceptable behavior for a teacher in a public school - and so much more hurtful when the teacher is also your adopted mother.
This last one made me laugh. Melissa has spent a lot of time around home schooled teens - but maybe not so much the average teenager at home before adopting her teens.
Do not assume anything. The attitude-y body language drives me nuts just like the next mom, but when they totally deny it…ERRRG. I’ve actually come to the conclusion that they are usually completely clueless to how they come across. So all those redos and lectures about such behavior…totally lost and probably caused loads of relational damage since the accused parties honest-to-goodness think they are innocent.
I need to thank my parents again for ignoring and overlooking "attitude" body language. Teenagers need some way to blow off the emotional energy created by every teen's beliefs that 1) their parents are overbearing and obnoxious, 2) no one understand them, and 3) life will be so much better once they are out of the house. I'm willing to bet the teens knew that their body language was angry, grumpy, bored or checked-out; those types of body language are pretty universal. What is equally important is that the parents -and teachers - pick their battles wisely. I could care less if a student was slouched in their desk or spent the whole hour glaring at me - that's their choice and it's not hurting me or anyone else.
I agree battling over body language was pointless and counter-productive - but mainly because micromanagement of teenagers is a bad idea.
Well, those are the four that I found disconcerting. The original post has six more issues the Corkums ran into. Next, I'll look at a post that shows how teachers can say things that are heard very differently by the parents of a student who is having behavior issues at home.
Completely OT - but hey, that's the benefit of blogging - while this is being posted, I'll be at the doctor's office with a screaming 13.5 month old baby who needs 5 injections (two for RSV, one HepB, one MMRV and one polio) for the second month in a row. Last month was two for RSV, one for HiB, one for HepA, and one for PCV-13. I'd rather he have the transient pain of a shot than any of these diseases - but damn, I'll be glad when April rolls around and he's back to one or no shots at the doctor's office.
Friday, December 22, 2017
Life with One (1) Medically Complicated Infant: The Tricky Bits
In my last post on this subject., I gave a rundown of what an easy day with my son was like when he first came home from the NICU. Those days were pretty straightforward if exhausting - but I managed to get between 8-10 hours of sleep a day (although none of it was in chunks longer than 4-5 hours), eat three meals, and generally get a chore or two done around the house.
If it was a tricky day, I got 8 hours of sleep, a meal eaten while doing something else, and prayed that my back wouldn't be permanently damaged from any of the gymnastics. These days also meant that I generally had no downtime between two feeds or I did a tube-feed with Jack in the backseat of the car while one of my parents were driving us to or from the doctor's office.
Here's what I remember from three tricky items: bathing Jack, medical appointments, and in-home therapy visits.
Bathing the Baby:
We bathed Jack about once every 7-10 days. I'd wipe him down with wet-wipes every two-three days, but eventually he'd get grungy enough that he needed immersion in water. The tricky bit was that Jack had a feeding tube and nasal cannula taped to his face - well, actually there was a base layer between his face and the tape, but you get the idea. Removing the wires, feeding tube and nasal cannula was simple especially since we only removed it when the base layer was coming loose on its own. The exhausting bit was replacing everything after the bath.
Post-bath work:
Therapist Visits:
Ok - truth in blogging time. I like home-visits by therapists. I get time to talk with an adult besides my parents or spouse plus the therapist is someone who was totally used to babies attached to medical equipment so I didn't have to explain anything to them. Since I did home-bound tutoring when I taught, I know that therapists aren't mentally judging my housekeeping or organizational standards; it's not part of their job description.
The down-side: Babies can smell a therapist coming from a mile away and work at thwarting their evil aims.
Plus, no matter when we scheduled an appointment, Jack would be hungry and cranky by the end and I'd have no downtime between two feed cycles.
For the first two months after he was discharged from the NICU, Jack averaged 0.5 doctor's appointments between his "normal" well-baby visits and specialists visits to the pulmonologist, cardiologist, neuro-developmental pediatrician, and optometrist plus two therapy visits per week.
We were lucky. Jack "graduated" from weekly PT at the end of the first two months and out of SLP at the end of four month into a single monthly appointment with a PT/OT early childhood specialist through Early On. Our SLP acted as a medical liasion guru who got Jack into specialists earlier so that his care would be transitioned faster. The optometrist found no signs of damage to his eyes so we just need a single yearly appointment until he's verbal enough to be checked at school. His lung issues and persistent PDA didn't lead to pulmonary hypertension so his next cardiology appointment is when he's three. We see the pulmonologist twice a year.
For kids with more substantial delays like Verity and Katie Musser or Lina, Olyvia, Rachele and Avi Carpenter, they could be entitled to three therapy visits a week each until they were enrolled in school (Speech, occupational therapy, and physical therapy) on top of well-child checks, any visits to the doctor for illnesses and quarterly/yearly appointments with medical specialists. Additionally, if the kids are eligible for Medicare and receive specialist visits, the kids are often eligible for home care aides to help with daily hygiene function which adds an entire different layer of scheduling to the calendar.
Just writing this out is exhausting - so that's why I am extremely skeptical that families with multiple children with complicated disabilities are able to cope with a single stay-at-home mom and whatever resources they can cobble together - especially if they refuse governmental services as many CP/QF families do.....
If it was a tricky day, I got 8 hours of sleep, a meal eaten while doing something else, and prayed that my back wouldn't be permanently damaged from any of the gymnastics. These days also meant that I generally had no downtime between two feeds or I did a tube-feed with Jack in the backseat of the car while one of my parents were driving us to or from the doctor's office.
Here's what I remember from three tricky items: bathing Jack, medical appointments, and in-home therapy visits.
Bathing the Baby:
We bathed Jack about once every 7-10 days. I'd wipe him down with wet-wipes every two-three days, but eventually he'd get grungy enough that he needed immersion in water. The tricky bit was that Jack had a feeding tube and nasal cannula taped to his face - well, actually there was a base layer between his face and the tape, but you get the idea. Removing the wires, feeding tube and nasal cannula was simple especially since we only removed it when the base layer was coming loose on its own. The exhausting bit was replacing everything after the bath.
 |
| Expanded for details. The beige layer visible on his cheek is duoderm which had a sticky bottom layer that wouldn't remove skin and a textured top layer that we stuck surgical tape and tegaderm on. The white layer is surgical tape; it was the adhesive layer that held everything in place. On top of the surgical tape was a layer of tegaderm which is like a sticky saran wrap to make it harder for Jack to pull anything free. He's got his orange NG feeding tube in his right nostril. The small black and white cords are attached to his chest. The thick white cord is attached to the oxygen monitor on his big toe. |
Here's how I'd bathe Jack:
Pre-bath prep:
- Turn off monitor.
- Remove taped layers from Jack's face.
- Cut the feeding tube and nasal cannula free of the layers of adhesive.
- When Jack was on 24 hours a day of oxygen, replace the cannula using the slider on the tube to hold it in place. If he was being bathed during a oxygen wean, hang the nasal cannula on the flow meter or throw out if it needed to be replaced.
- If the NG tube was >14 days old, throw it out. If under 14 days, take the NG tube over to the kitchen sink. Use 10mL syringe to force 5-10mL of whatever pop we had on the counter through the feeding tube to dissolve any proteins that had coagulated in the tube. Drop the tube into about 1/4 of a cup of pop to clean the outside.
- Take off Jack's clothing. Remove the chest leads and stick them to the diaper wipes container. Remove the toe lead and lay it in the box of assorted medical items.
- Swaddle the baby in a bath towel and lay him in his bassinet.
- Put the baby bath on the sink and fill it. Get soap and washcloths ready.
- Remove Jack's diaper. Put Jack in bath.
Post-bath work:
1) Fish the feeding tube out of the pop and rinse it in water. Carry it back to the baby.
2) Cut a length of surgical tape about 4 inches long. Rip in half. Attach the pieces to the flow meter so I won't lose them. Tear 3 one inch pieces and attach to the flow meter.
3)Use the towel or receiving blanket to straight-jacket Jack's arms.
4) Measure the depth that the feeding tube needs to be inserted by placing the tip at the nostril that it will be inserted in, run the tube to the earlobe on that side of the head, then to a point halfway between the xiphoid process (bottom of the sternum) and his belly button. (Jack traditionally thrashed his head around during this part which made it insanely complicated.) Twist one of the pieces of surgical tape all the way around the NG tube leaving two sticky ends free. Lay the NG tube out of the way where neither the baby nor I will get the tape stuck on us.
4) Take out a sheet of duoderm, a roll of tegaderm, and scissors. Cut the duoderm into a barbell-shape where the thin bit fits on the skin between Jack's upper lip and nose without touching his upper lip. Remove the backing. Pin Jack's head in place while placing the duoderm on his face without stretching it. (Angry growls from the baby should be ignored.)
5) Lubricate the tip of the NG tube with saliva. Insert the NG tube by pointing Jack's chin upward and aiming the tube for the dark space in his nostril. Quickly and smoothly push the tube inward until the tape is reached. Attach the tape to the duoderm under his nose. (Counter-intuitively, Jack never put up much of a fuss during the actual insertion - probably because from his point of view I wasn't messing around with his face.)
6) Check the tube for placement in the stomach by attaching a 10mL syringe and suctioning. When it is in place, stomach fluid or formula will appear in the tube. (Honestly, you'll know if it goes in the trachea LONG before this point. It happened once. Jack's face turned bright red, he started frantically waving his arms and thrashing his head. We pulled the tube out in less than a second and he was fine.)
7) Lay the NG tube along the tegaderm on his cheek. Use the 1 inch pieces diagonally across the tube to secure in place.
8) Lasso the nasal cannula around his head. Tighten the slider in the back.
9) Cut a length of tegaderm. Remove backing and place over the NG tube and nasal cannula on one cheek. Cut another length. Use to secure the nasal cannula on the far cheek.
10) Replace the toe electrode.
11) Replace the chest electrodes. Cut two short lengths of tegaderm and place over chest leads to secure.
12) Turn on monitor. Redo toe electrode as needed.
13) Dress baby. Look at clock. Start feeding routine.
Medical appointments:
7-10 days before:
- Get one of my parents to come to help wrangle Jack's equipment.
Night before:
- Check his medical go-bag to see that it contains an entire NG replacement set (NG tube, duoderm, surgical tape, tegaderm, scissors, 10mL syringe), a replacement nasal cannula, a 2oz syringe for feeds and an unopened bottle water.
- Make sure the diaper bag has diapers, wipes, Vaseline, a spare outfit, a burp cloth, a pacifier and toys (once he got old enough to be interested in toys.)
- Check that the travel tank in the shoulder bag has enough oxygen for the trip. Replace if needed.
After the last feed before the appointment:
- Put car keys and wallet in pockets.
- Mark bottles with feed times that will occur during the appointment plus one extra. Place medications in the correct bottle. Place bottles into diaper bag (which is an insulated lunch bag.)
- Place diaper bag into the giant bag. Bring giant bag into dinning room.
- Put baby on changing table.
- Detach monitor from electrical outlet. Verify that the battery is working. Put monitor in giant bag.
- Use regulator on the travel tank to set the oxygen flow to 0.5L. Detach nasal cannula from oxygen concetrator. Attach to travel tank. Place travel tank in giant bag.
- One adult picks up baby. Second adult secures cords onto the first adult (so that the first adult doesn't trip on them) and picks up giant bag. Walk out of the house, down the steps and to the car.
- Put the giant bag on the floor behind the car seat. Secure Jack. One adult drives; other adult sits in back with Jack and is in charge with dealing with the monitor if it goes off during the trip.
Upon arrival at the doctor's office:
- Adult who is not driving removes stroller from the trunk, arranges the oxygen tank, monitor and diaper bag into storage under the stroller, removes Jack from the car seat, and secures him in the stroller. Driver watches for anyone who might not see the adult running around the outside of the car and parks the car after Jack's brought inside.
The actual appointments are pretty standard.
After the appointment, all of the previous steps are reversed. Tube-feeding in the car was the same as tube-feeding at home except that the adult had to hold the 2oz syringe over Jack's head to allow gravity to feed him so you have really tired arms at the end.
After the appointment, all of the previous steps are reversed. Tube-feeding in the car was the same as tube-feeding at home except that the adult had to hold the 2oz syringe over Jack's head to allow gravity to feed him so you have really tired arms at the end.
Therapist Visits:
Ok - truth in blogging time. I like home-visits by therapists. I get time to talk with an adult besides my parents or spouse plus the therapist is someone who was totally used to babies attached to medical equipment so I didn't have to explain anything to them. Since I did home-bound tutoring when I taught, I know that therapists aren't mentally judging my housekeeping or organizational standards; it's not part of their job description.
The down-side: Babies can smell a therapist coming from a mile away and work at thwarting their evil aims.
- Jack behaved like his physical therapist was trying to kill him when she placed him on an exercise ball or laid him on the floor on a heap of mats and blankets.
- He'd go completely limp and pretend that he didn't know how to support his head.
- Jack had an entire act where he'd slump over while being held in a sitting position and cough dramatically 3-4 times. Using his last bit of strength, he'd slowly raise his head up and bravely make eye-contact with the PT or OT before giving a weak, deathly ill baby cough. I would burst out laughing and "verbalize" Jack's performance as "Lisa, I really want to work with you today - I really do. But PT is making my multy-dwug wesistant tuburkuosis (multi-drug resistant tuberculosis) worse...so I just....can't. I'm so weak...." That would make Jack swivel his head towards me and glare at me because for siding with the PT.
Plus, no matter when we scheduled an appointment, Jack would be hungry and cranky by the end and I'd have no downtime between two feed cycles.
For the first two months after he was discharged from the NICU, Jack averaged 0.5 doctor's appointments between his "normal" well-baby visits and specialists visits to the pulmonologist, cardiologist, neuro-developmental pediatrician, and optometrist plus two therapy visits per week.
We were lucky. Jack "graduated" from weekly PT at the end of the first two months and out of SLP at the end of four month into a single monthly appointment with a PT/OT early childhood specialist through Early On. Our SLP acted as a medical liasion guru who got Jack into specialists earlier so that his care would be transitioned faster. The optometrist found no signs of damage to his eyes so we just need a single yearly appointment until he's verbal enough to be checked at school. His lung issues and persistent PDA didn't lead to pulmonary hypertension so his next cardiology appointment is when he's three. We see the pulmonologist twice a year.
For kids with more substantial delays like Verity and Katie Musser or Lina, Olyvia, Rachele and Avi Carpenter, they could be entitled to three therapy visits a week each until they were enrolled in school (Speech, occupational therapy, and physical therapy) on top of well-child checks, any visits to the doctor for illnesses and quarterly/yearly appointments with medical specialists. Additionally, if the kids are eligible for Medicare and receive specialist visits, the kids are often eligible for home care aides to help with daily hygiene function which adds an entire different layer of scheduling to the calendar.
Just writing this out is exhausting - so that's why I am extremely skeptical that families with multiple children with complicated disabilities are able to cope with a single stay-at-home mom and whatever resources they can cobble together - especially if they refuse governmental services as many CP/QF families do.....
Monday, December 18, 2017
Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit: Depression - Part Two
In the first post on depression, we looked at some of the decent ideas for surviving depression while being a homeschooling mom like exercising, avoiding caffeine, and following a schedule. We saw one terrible idea - use OTC progesterone creams. *shudders*
This post is focused on quotes from the chapter that are mediocre to terrible. Let's jump in:
This post is focused on quotes from the chapter that are mediocre to terrible. Let's jump in:
I discovered that I made it best through a time of depression when I didn't try to analyze what was causing it. It was better to accept my feelings - as Steve would encourage me to do - like a physical ailment to be patiently waited out. The more I ferreted for the causes, the more discouraged and upset I would become.
However, the times I accepted the feelings and said," Lord, I don't like this, but I'm going to focus on you and not on me. I am not going to make any major decisions or search for the cause. I will just wait. If I do that, it will pass with no damage except for feeling down. If I think about being depressed, and talk to Steve about it, it will pull me further down, resulting in wrong thoughts and words." (pg. 99)
However, the times I accepted the feelings and said," Lord, I don't like this, but I'm going to focus on you and not on me. I am not going to make any major decisions or search for the cause. I will just wait. If I do that, it will pass with no damage except for feeling down. If I think about being depressed, and talk to Steve about it, it will pull me further down, resulting in wrong thoughts and words." (pg. 99)
Saturday, December 16, 2017
Ting Ministries: Special Needs Adoption as Child Hoarding - Background
I feel sick.
I've been covering the Musser Family (two parents, 15 kids total; one adopted special need child who drowned in 2013 [Tommy], two living adopted special needs children [Katie age 15, Josie age 15], two biological children with special needs [Verity age 7, John Michael age 12], and 10 biological children: [Not available for 24-7 care-taking: Daniel age 22, Joshua age 20, Laura age 18; current full-time caretaker: Jane age 16; everyone else: Stephen age 9, Peter age 11, James age 11, Ben age 4; Nathaniel 2] since a year after Tommy died.
Good on Laura for getting free of the last four years of full-time care-taking for Verity and assisting with Katie. I'm sorry to say that Jane's now not being home-schooled as far as I can tell and has been co-opted into Laura's full-time caregiver position now that Laura has a job. According to the previous pattern, Susanna's adoption itch should be getting pretty bad soon. Expect a new kid to appear by first quarter of 2019 at the latest.
Through their craziness, I learned about another family - Brian and Stephanie Carpenter - who have no biological children and are working on adopting as many special needs kids as they can.
Let's take a look at their current family in order of adoption:
1) Sasha - 20 years old.
3) Ellianna - around 13 years old
I've been covering the Musser Family (two parents, 15 kids total; one adopted special need child who drowned in 2013 [Tommy], two living adopted special needs children [Katie age 15, Josie age 15], two biological children with special needs [Verity age 7, John Michael age 12], and 10 biological children: [Not available for 24-7 care-taking: Daniel age 22, Joshua age 20, Laura age 18; current full-time caretaker: Jane age 16; everyone else: Stephen age 9, Peter age 11, James age 11, Ben age 4; Nathaniel 2] since a year after Tommy died.
Good on Laura for getting free of the last four years of full-time care-taking for Verity and assisting with Katie. I'm sorry to say that Jane's now not being home-schooled as far as I can tell and has been co-opted into Laura's full-time caregiver position now that Laura has a job. According to the previous pattern, Susanna's adoption itch should be getting pretty bad soon. Expect a new kid to appear by first quarter of 2019 at the latest.
Through their craziness, I learned about another family - Brian and Stephanie Carpenter - who have no biological children and are working on adopting as many special needs kids as they can.
Let's take a look at their current family in order of adoption:
1) Sasha - 20 years old.
- Adopted from Ukraine at age 17 months with cerebral palsy (CP); in-country specialists stated that she had severe CP and would never be able to walk.
- Medical outlook: She has mild CP which means she's fully mobile on her own; she's an excellent student at a local college.
- Ministry Purpose: She has been told by her family since day one that "God saved you for a purpose." Sounds sweet on the outside - but she's the main social media guru for her family's efforts to batch adopt kids on a yearly basis. The family leads off with her story all_the_time which serves to minimize concerns that people have about medical reports on complicated special needs orphans - e.g., "Ukraine was so wrong about Sasha; I bet they're wrong about (insert name of orphan-du-jour)
3) Ellianna - around 13 years old
- Adopted: from Taiwan in 2007 at age three with moderate CP and profound deafness.
- Medical outlook: The Mussers blog implies that she's nonverbal, deaf and has severe CP (e.g., she cannot walk even with mobility aids). Based on Ting Ministry's information and photos, a more realistic description is moderate CP, profoundly deaf with little intelligible speech- but fluent in ASL.
- Ministry Purpose: She's photogenic and capable of age-appropriate interaction with other human beings. She serves as a handy model for what the family can accomplish.
3)Avi (Avigayl) - around 12 years old; functions at infant level.
- Adopted: from the Philippines in 2009 at age 4. Known diagnosis of severe cerebral palsy.
- Medical outlook: Added diagnosis of scoliosis. Has severe developmental lags so that she functions at the level of an infant; I don't know if that is from a preexisting genetic condition or she was so malnourished prior to adoption that her body had to metabolize her brain to stay alive. Until now, I had assumed it was from malnutrition - but in the summer of 2017, Avi and her family got a Make-a-Wish trip. Make-a-Wish only funds "progressive, degenerative, or malignant disorders that are currently placing a child's life in jeopardy". Severe scoliosis can be life-threatening (the treatment is some rough surgeries) - but I am very worried that Avi has an additional degenerative disorder. She's still a tiny little thing compared to the growth of her other adopted sisters - even ones with similarly severe disabilities.
- Ministry Purpose: She's lovely - and they don't update about her much.
4) Lina (Angelina) - around 10 years old; functions somewhere in the infant to toddler level.
- Adopted: from the Plevin Orphanage in Bulgaria in 2012 at age 5.5. No notes on any of the blogs about diagnoses prior to adoption - but she was critically malnourished and weighed 12 pound at 5 years of age. (For reference, my 9 month old adjusted son weighs 18 pounds and is on the skinny side.)
- Medical outlook: It all depends on how damaged her brain is from malnutrition. She started walking this summer which is good for her body and makes care much easier. Based on the amount of posts about the fact she's walking, I don't think she's had any other major breakthroughs in terms of cognitive development.
- Ministry Purposes: Did you notice she's walking! She's walking now! She looks like a healthy kid in a few carefully chosen pictures prominently displayed! Now, when you dig around on the site, the candid pictures show that she's easily distracted during family photos - like the fact she's pulling Ellianna's hair in this year's Christmas photo - but did I mention she's walking! Everyone knows that physical development mirrors cognitive development perfectly......
5) Olyvia - around 14 years old; probably functions at mobile infant level - but the blog doesn't mention her much..
- Adopted from Plevin Orphanage in Bulgaria in 2012 at the age of 9 with her sister Rachele. Known diagnoses of spina bifida, cerebral palsy, autism, and severe, long-term malnutrition.
- Medical outlook: Same outlook as Lina. She learned to sit and hold her head up within two months of coming home from Plevin - which is great! There have been no new updates on steps forward for her since then - which is sad, but shouldn't be unexpected.
- Ministry Purposes: They need one decent picture of her a year as an individual and one in the family Christmas picture. Outside of that, she needs to stay under the potential donors radar of how much work a nonverbal child who cannot walk takes on a day-to-day basis. She can do this by looking in the general direction the camera and sitting independently in some photos.....
Have I mentioned I feel physically ill from writing about these poor kids?
6) Rachele - around 11 years old; her functional age is of a newborn or less.
- Adopted from Plevin Orphanage in Bulgaria in 2012 at the age of 6 with her sister Olyvia. Known diagnoses of cerebral palsy, epilepsy and long-term critical malnutrition.
- Medical outlook: Poor. She grew 15 inches in her first year with the Carpenter family; that's the only update about Rachele so I am assuming she has severe cognitive impairments as well as physical impairments. She will need extensive medical and daily living support for the rest of her life - which may be shortened by her inability to describe pain or discomfort to doctors.
- Ministry Purposes: She needs to look good in the family Christmas photo - and not do anything to draw people's attention to the fact that she's severely disabled.
7) Hannah (Annie) - around 15 years old.
- Adopted from China in 2016 at the age of nearly-14 with moderate cerebral palsy. Any questions about how fair being placed in a home with four severely disabled sisters and one sister with disabilities who uses a form of sign language Annie's never seen were swept under the rug with "If she's not adopted by 14, she will NEVER be adopted!" I really hoped the adoption fund-raising would fail for Annie's sake; it succeeded.
- Medical outlook: Pretty solid. Based on photos, she's still wheelchair-dependent for long outings - but she may be using crutches or a walker for shorter distances at home. Educationally, she graduated from 8th grade. Assuming she's acquired English at an average rate, she's probably comfortable with conversational English by now. The main educational issue is trying to make up any content area deficits with a teen who is still between 1.5-3 years away from developing academic English while she receives intensive physical therapy (hopefully, she doesn't need any surgeries) AND before she reaches 21 years of age. That's a lot to do in six years - and her family has 4 children who need full-time care plus her slightly younger sister who needs a lot of care now.
Once the Carpenters got Annie home, Sasha spear-headed a media blitz to raise $20,000 to refit their family home so that the girls could get around using their adaptive equipment. Nothing says "good planning" like remembering that the kids can't move around the house until after you've adopted 6 kids who have major mobility issues; Susanna's always a bit more forth-right than the Carpenters...... (Added bonus in the linked Musser post: Susanna decides that she needs to explain to Josie - who has moderate CP herself - that Annie's moderate CP means that she can't get her body and mouth to do what her brain wants them to do - but Annie's still really smart. Josie replied, "I get it." I'm really curious what Josie was thinking during that interchange....and what she thinks of her adoptive mother.)
The fundraising bonanza failed; they raised around $7,000.
On a totally unrelated note, the Carpenter Family remembered in April of 2017 that there are two girls with some unspecified disabilities living in China the Carpenters want to adopt - if they can raise $45,000.
After all, at some magic number of children, people will cough up the dough to get a house that the kids can live in comfortably - so let's keep racking up the kid count.
It's not like the Carpenters - and the Mussers if they wanted to - could fund-raise to help disabled kids in China instead of bringing them to the US into their overextended family. No....that's too much disinterested generosity and too little praise for the Carpenters.
I feel sick.
The fundraising bonanza failed; they raised around $7,000.
On a totally unrelated note, the Carpenter Family remembered in April of 2017 that there are two girls with some unspecified disabilities living in China the Carpenters want to adopt - if they can raise $45,000.
After all, at some magic number of children, people will cough up the dough to get a house that the kids can live in comfortably - so let's keep racking up the kid count.
It's not like the Carpenters - and the Mussers if they wanted to - could fund-raise to help disabled kids in China instead of bringing them to the US into their overextended family. No....that's too much disinterested generosity and too little praise for the Carpenters.
I feel sick.
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