Adoption Issues: What Not to Do for ANY Children

I was bumbling around on various home schooling blogs and stumbled upon Melissa Corkum's blog at The Cork Board while learning a bit about the classical method of home schooling.

Despite researching home schooling issues for several years, I'm still surprised at the number of home schooling parents who branch out into questionable choices in international adoption.   

The Corkum family has six kids.  They had two biological children, then adopted "Tee" when he was about 2 years old in 2009.  (Her blog uses names for the kids which I assume are pseudonyms - but since I am unsure - I'm just going to use initials.)  Tee's adoption is a good example of how international adoption can be beneficial.  Melissa was adopted as an infant from Korea - which is where Tee is adopted from - so she has experience of being Asian-American in the USA as well as being adopted.  Tee was the youngest child when adopted in.  It took Tee several years to fully feel comfortable in his new home and he eventually received an additional diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorders (FASD).  Tee seems to have academic struggles - but Melissa is actively involved in creating a classical curriculum that combines weekly planned co-op lessons with reinforcement at home.  IOW, Tee's adoption seems to have worked out well.

By 2011, the family was in a good groove.  At that point, the Corkums decided to adopt again but from Ethiopia instead.  They were open to matching up to three adoptees with no restrictions on gender, relation, or age of the kids.  They were matched with two unrelated kids: a 14-year old boy named "Jay" and a 13-year old girl named "Kay".  On top of being unrelated to each other, Jay and Kay are substantially older than the Corkum's biological children and Tee.  While finalizing Jay's adoption in Ethiopia, the Corkums find out that Jay was being raised with another orphan: 11-year old "Gee". The Corkums decide to adopt Gee to keep Jay and Gee together.   In a post, Melissa mentions obliquely that at that point the adoption agency informed Melissa and her husband that adopting three unrelated teenagers is not recommended - but the adoption of Gee proceeds.

Long story short: Jay and Kay have troubles settling into a home-schooling family that doesn't speak the same language in a foreign country.  Gee struggles even more and eventually needs in-patient treatment.  By 2016, the kids are 18, 17, and 15 and none of them are living with the Corkums.

In 2014, Melissa wrote a post titled "What Not To Do In Older Child Adoption" that lists four mistakes the Corkums made that I feel safe broadening to "Don't Do For ANY Children" based on my years of teaching scads of unaccompanied minors, teenage refugees and kids in foster care kids as well as garden-variety teenagers.

Do not dis your child’s country of origin…ever. Or at least not until they develop a sense of humor. We adore Ethiopia but the truth is that it’s polluted and smoggy with an unmistakable diesel-mixed-with-raw-sewage smell, and they teach weird, backward things in health class. It will not build trust in your child to look incredulously at them when they tell you their health teacher taught them eating ice will give you tonsillitis or that Michael Jackson turned white because he had his skin turned inside out.

Perhaps the parents could focus more on the positives about Ethiopia (and there are a lot) and leave the attitude of American superiority behind.

 I live in a rural area that smells like diesel mixed with either cow manure, pig manure or turkey manure depending on which way the wind blows.  The area I grew up in smelled like gasoline fumes mixed with stale fast-food or industrial machinery depending on which way the wind blew.  The places I like to vacation smell mostly like rotting fresh water plants, dead leaves, and the occasional whiff of animal urine.  It's all about perspective - and what you are used to.

Is it so crazy that eating ice in Ethiopia might cause tonsillitis - or at least one hell of a sore throat?  Let's say the health teacher was completely wrong.  We have people in the US who believe that homeopathy works, taking colloidal silver during pregnancy reduces morning sickness, and that psychological struggles by adopted children can be cured by forced hugging.   Go to a public place in the US and ask 30 people why Michael Jackson's skin turned from brown to white.  How many different answers do you'll think I'd get  and what percentage would be correct?  Plus, these kids spent most of their lives speaking a different language and have only been immersed in English for 20 months at this point.  I can only imagine what kind of a mess I would make if I had to explain how a vaccine works in Amheric or Oromo - even with 20 months immersion.

This next one freaks me out in terms of inappropriate bashing of a teenager:

Do not minimize felt discomfort. We respected their boundaries pretty well for the first 3 months. Then the honeymoon ended and so did my patience. Instead of honoring the fact that eye contact felt weird or that hearing the words “I love you” (even between two other people) were like nails on a chalk board, we verbalized how ridiculous they were acting. We probably should have tried “I wonder why ‘I love you’ makes you so uncomfortable?” (and been okay with a non-answer) when we really said, “That’s unhealthy. What are you going to do when you get married?…Nope, you won’t find a husband that’s okay with never saying those words. No really. Not going to happen. Ever. And that’s why you’re still in therapy, since you asked yesterday.”

First, thirty seconds of imagination should cure people of struggling to understand why it takes a long time for people to change their patterns of eye contact and expressing affection.

• Imagine being transported to a culture where people always look over the left shoulder of the person they are talking to as a sign of respect and looking someone in the eye is a sign of rebellion or disinterest.  I'd be insulting people left and right - and 20 months would barely make a dent in the habit.
• Now, imagine a culture where the accepted affectionate greeting between romantic partners is a deep tongue kiss.  Saliva should be exchanged.  People do this at the store, in church, at home and in front of elderly relatives.  I'm an adult and it would take me at least a year to not have a shocked / vaguely repulsed expression on my face when people played tonsil hockey in front of me.  Teenage me would have been even worse.

Melissa's response to her daughter's repulsion at hearing adults say "I love you" was brutal and callous.   She essentially tells her daughter that she's not marriageable because verbal affection in public bothers her.  Guess what?  There are plenty of cultures where married adults do not exchange romantic or affectionate gestures in public or around other people.  Better that her daughter find someone who can respect her personal boundaries than force herself to be uncomfortable all of her married life.

Her flippant and cruel taunt about therapy was childishly hurtful.  Therapy has saved my life and greatly enriched the lives of many people I know.  I'm sure her daughter is in therapy to deal with issues surrounding the loss of her biological family, the loss of her culture, the trauma of an international adoption, and the stress of living with a family of complete strangers.  That's plenty of issues to work on that are far more serious than not liking public displays of affection.  Melissa needs to get some individual and group therapy herself to learn better skills to control her anger rather than vent on a hurt teenager.  

This next one boggles my mind coming from an experienced, successful home schooling parent:

Do not build expectations based around age. I wish we had established early on that we would make decisions and create expectations around currently exhibited skills. I love the way my friend, Alex, uses language such as, “Your behavior is communicating to me that you don’t feel safe enough or able to (insert something like "make your own food decisions" here). Let me help you this time and we’ll try again another time.” My tendency has been to frustratingly point out that kids their age should be able to follow a 2 step direction or copy a paragraph with minimal mistakes. We’ve also used words like “catch up” and “act like a big girl/boy” and “you SHOULD know that.” Bad ideas…even when your teenager showers with the shower curtain all.the.way open with no rug on the floor because the rug was hanging on the rod which, of course, made the curtain impossible to close.

A real benefit to home schooling that I believe in is that parent-teachers can meet their kids where they are functioning and help them move forward to the next level. Nearly every home schooling parent blog has at least post about how public schools are failing to meet their child exactly where they are at. (Ironically - so does Melissa. It's in reference to one of the adopted kids no less - but that's another blog post.)  When confronted with having to practice that level of adaption her home school, she decides to tell her teens how badly are doing compared to other teens their age to shame them into working harder.  That's unacceptable behavior for a teacher in a public school - and so much more hurtful when the teacher is also your adopted mother.

This last one made me laugh.  Melissa has spent a lot of time around home schooled teens - but maybe not so much the average teenager at home before adopting her teens.

Do not assume anything. The attitude-y body language drives me nuts just like the next mom, but when they totally deny it…ERRRG. I’ve actually come to the conclusion that they are usually completely clueless to how they come across. So all those redos and lectures about such behavior…totally lost and probably caused loads of relational damage since the accused parties honest-to-goodness think they are innocent.

I need to thank my parents again for ignoring and overlooking "attitude" body language.  Teenagers need some way to blow off the emotional energy created by every teen's beliefs that 1) their parents are overbearing and obnoxious, 2) no one understand them, and 3) life will be so much better once they are out of the house.   I'm willing to bet the teens knew that their body language was angry, grumpy, bored or checked-out; those types of body language are pretty universal.  What is equally important is that the parents -and teachers - pick their battles wisely.    I could care less if a student was slouched in their desk or spent the whole hour glaring at me - that's their choice and it's not hurting me or anyone else.

I agree battling over body language was pointless and counter-productive - but mainly because micromanagement of teenagers is a bad idea.

Well, those are the four that I found disconcerting.  The original post has six more issues the Corkums ran into.  Next, I'll look at a post that shows how teachers can say things that are heard very differently by the parents of a student who is having behavior issues at home.

Completely OT - but hey, that's the benefit of blogging - while this is being posted, I'll be at the doctor's office with a screaming 13.5 month old baby who needs 5 injections (two for RSV, one HepB, one MMRV and one polio) for the second month in a row.   Last month was two for RSV, one for HiB, one for HepA, and one for PCV-13.  I'd rather he have the transient pain of a shot than any of these diseases - but damn, I'll be glad when April rolls around and he's back to one or no shots at the doctor's office.