It's a standard spiel - but this chapter wasn't written by Stacy McDonald about her children; it was written by her second daughter about her life as a full-time caregiver to her younger siblings.
Yes, not only does Stacy McDonald hand off entire chunks of child-rearing (including cleaning up after the young ones) to her daughters - she also uses deeply personal writings by those daughters to sell books. #mom_of_the_year
The chapter starts with the standard slap at non-homeschooling families that try to interact with her kids:
We teach our children that is an honor and a privilege to serve one another, but there are well-meaning folks who ask our children baffling questions like, " So what do you do for fun?" " You mean you spend your weekends with your family?" " You mean you like being around your brothers and sisters?" Since we require more from our children than the average modern parent expects, it is not surprising when restlessness and discontent attempt to enter the hearts of our children.
When she was still in her teens, our second oldest daughter, Tiffany, shared the following testimony of her own struggle with contentment: (pg. 105)
When she was still in her teens, our second oldest daughter, Tiffany, shared the following testimony of her own struggle with contentment: (pg. 105)
*sighs*
The question "What do you do for fun?" is one of those mindless but safe questions that adults can ask unrelated kids to make small talk. Some other examples of these types of question/statements are "Hey, you don't have school today!" (upon seeing school-aged kids in the store) because that leads into "Yeah, it's a conference day / exams / MLK / National holiday / snow day!" or "Do you have any siblings / pets?" or "Who is your favorite TV character?" or "What sport do you play?" None of these questions have a hidden agenda in dissing home school or undermining a family's choice of raising their kids without media; it's just small talk.
The weekends with family or questioning about if they like their siblings are more pointed - but that is a potential outcome of choosing to live a lifestyle that is extremely discordant to the wider culture. Most teenagers have at least one after-school activity; it could be a sport, a club, an activity or a job. Most teenagers find their siblings to be irritating from time to time - and I've seen nothing that excludes home schooled teens from that. Personally, my relationship with each of my siblings was improved by having areas where we were not forced to directly interact all the time.
I've never been so certain that CP/QF families actually expect more from their children. The most vocal bloggers and writers on home schooling within CP/QF construct very detailed rationales as to why their students do not need to learn high school level math, science or writing. The students are not learning how to manage time pressures from outside activities along with educational pressures. Many CP/QF kids are so highly sheltered that they are not learning the interpersonal skills that come with having to make friends and dealing with people who are different. Really, it's insulting to the home schooling families who work diligently to provide their students with rigorous curriculum, involvement in community activities and free time with peers to learn how to interact.
I will concede that many QF families expect way too much from their older kids in terms of caring for siblings and chores - and Stacy McDonald's family expects way too much from her older daughters.
There was a time when I found myself wishing for a life that God had not chosen for me. One night, when the house was quiet, I snuggled beneath my warm, thick comforter and began to reflect upon recent days.
I quietly remembered visiting some friends in their home. They have three children who have graduated from high school and no longer have babies to watch and messes to clean. I recall envy filling my heart as I looked around their house and noticed that their living room was spotless. There were no puzzle pieces under the coffee table waiting to be put back where they belong. They didn't have mud stains on the carpet by the door from little feet, or coffee stains by the counter from chubby fingers reaching for a good sip of sweetened coffee and cream ----and no dirty diapers to change! Their time seems to be their own. I imagine relaxing on the couch with a good book and no noisy toddlers running about. I envisioned eating a piece of cake without a 4 year old climbing in my lap to ask for a bite. Peace! Why couldn't our family be that way? (pg. 106)
I quietly remembered visiting some friends in their home. They have three children who have graduated from high school and no longer have babies to watch and messes to clean. I recall envy filling my heart as I looked around their house and noticed that their living room was spotless. There were no puzzle pieces under the coffee table waiting to be put back where they belong. They didn't have mud stains on the carpet by the door from little feet, or coffee stains by the counter from chubby fingers reaching for a good sip of sweetened coffee and cream ----and no dirty diapers to change! Their time seems to be their own. I imagine relaxing on the couch with a good book and no noisy toddlers running about. I envisioned eating a piece of cake without a 4 year old climbing in my lap to ask for a bite. Peace! Why couldn't our family be that way? (pg. 106)
Short response to Tiffany's question: Your parents are lazy.
Longer response:
The main attraction as far as I can see to QF theology is that husband-wife couples never have to choose to postpone having another kid ever. They get the continual positive feedback loop of the excitement that surrounds pregnancy, birth and infancy while hiding behind the excuse that "God wants it this way". Looking at the present state of a family can be sobering; deciding to postpone another pregnancy doesn't receive a lot of positive feedback from friends and church members. Plus, spacing a pregnancy takes some planning and sacrifice - doubly so if the couple refuses to use birth control.
The issue, though, is that there is only so much time for Mrs. McDonald to raise her ten children each day. Babies are time-consuming - but toddlers, preschoolers and early elementary aged kids are work. Those age groups need a lot of help learning how to navigate within the family structure and within the wider world. Those ages understand the difference between a parent - who has the right to order them around - and an older sibling - who is not a parent and faces lots of backlash from kids who want their parent.
Somewhere along the lines, the wheels came off the family system in the McDonald house. Yes, small children tend to be messier and noisier than teenagers - but this sounds like chaos. Kids who are old enough to play with puzzles are old enough to put them away. Kids can be trained to remove their shoes before going on carpet - and to use the hose outside to wash their feet off if they have muddy bare feet during the summer. Having small children reaching for hot liquids over their head is a recipe for severe burns - not an adorable anecdote! Tiffany should be allowed to tell the four-year-old to get off her lap while she's eating.
Why didn't this happen? Teaching each of those behaviors takes time. It doesn't take a lot of time - but Mrs. McDonald doesn't have any time left between caring for the most pressing needs, feeding the family and homeschooling. It's easier to justify letting the youngest members of the family run wild than it is to teach them to be respectful of belongings and people.
Discontentment began to creep in and take dominion over my life. Everyday I would find some other fault with our family, some other reason to be jealous. My every thought seem to begin with, "If only our family..."
The babies began to be burdensome to me; they were no longer a joy to be around. It seemed like every day brought more messes and even more laundry to fold and put away. I thought it was the babies who are being grumpy, when in reality, it was I. (pg. 106)
The babies began to be burdensome to me; they were no longer a joy to be around. It seemed like every day brought more messes and even more laundry to fold and put away. I thought it was the babies who are being grumpy, when in reality, it was I. (pg. 106)
Stacy McDonald chose to marry her husband. They chose not to practice any form of family planning and ended up with ten children. I chose to marry my husband, practice family planning and have a single son so far. Mothering brings crazy days and hard days - but in the back of my mind I always know that I chose to have my son. I made a choice - and I work with the consequences of that choice.
Tiffany never made a choice.
She's a stay-at-home-mother who has never fallen in love, never had sex and never given birth. She's got all of the work - but none of the perks or security that comes with motherhood. I doubt James or Stacy McDonald would have reacted well if Tiffany or any of the other girls in the congregation who were raising siblings stood up to be recognized on Mother's Day. The McDonalds could kick out Tiffany and cut her off from her younger siblings legally once she turned 18. Tiffany can't make any of the decisions that a wife and mother could make in her own home. She can't kick the kids outside to play while she reads a book or cleans a room in peace. Tiffany can't tell her younger brother or sisters that they have to fold their own laundry and put it away now. She's not even allowed to declare that the "babies" are making life miserable; Tiffany's unhappiness must be caused by Tiffany alone.
This is the point that Tiffany remembers that babies are a blessing from the Lord - but the Bible never mentions how children are blessings for siblings - just parents.
A discontented spirit had begun to weigh me down. I had been cross, mean, and miserable. When I could bear it no longer, I finally called on the Lord to bring me out of the "miry pit". I asked him to set my feet on a " firm foundation," which reminded me of one of my favorite hymns. The fourth verse in " How Firm A Foundation" has encouraged me often. It reads:
When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply:
the flame shall not hurt thee, I only design
the dross to consume, and thy gold to refine. (pg. 106-107)
When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply:
the flame shall not hurt thee, I only design
the dross to consume, and thy gold to refine. (pg. 106-107)
A teenager is too overwhelmed when their comforting rationale for the drudgery of caring for children she didn't bear is that God's refining her soul through fiery trials. That's really depressing - and I'm horrified that her mother after reading this "testimony" decided that not only was her daughter doing fine, but that the story should be included in a book for young women!
I do suspect that this testimony made Stacy McDonald mad on some level because the first two questions in the "Share your Heart" are brutal:
Do you ever wish you were part of another family instead of your own or wonder if other daughters have it easier or better than you do? How could this type of thinking be a rejection of God's Sovereign will--- and ultimately rebellion against God? (pg 108)
Look, all kids dream of being in a family that is totally different than their own because the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. That's age-appropriate. The best solution for those longings is to spend lots of time around other families because all families have their strengths and weaknesses. Kids should also be allowed to ask for changes in the family's routines. Tiffany doesn't want to be surrounded by toddlers with no sense of boundaries all the time. There's an easy solution of letting Tiffany spend time at her child-free friends' home to recharge her batteries or go to the local library without the young ones in tow. Doing that, of course, would require Mr. and Mrs. McDonald to care for their children and home without one of their teenage daughters around to lessen their load - but that seems fair to me since the teenage daughters don't get input on the family reproduction plan.
Which Commandment are you breaking when you look at another family and long for the life they live? If you've been guilty of this, stop right now and repent. Pray that God will forgive you and give you a thankful spirit for what he has given you. Pray that you will learn from your imperfect family all that God wants to teach you. (pg. 108)
Oh, the girls might be treading close the 10th Commandment - but Stacy McDonald threw the Greatest Commandment out the door during her chapter on cleanliness being next to Godliness. I don't see the McDonald parents showing love to their older daughters that is equal to their love of self.
I hope the McDonald girls learned an important lesson from their imperfect family - that couples who marry young and want large families are advised to think about longer spacing between children for the sake of the family over the long term.
I remember, as a teen, getting frustrated with babysitting my three younger brothers, and I was asked to do so, paid for the job, and not expected to do it constantly. And the youngest was nearly nine years younger than me, while the oldest was two years younger and didn't need that much supervision. I can't imagine how stressful it would be to be in a QF situation.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to care for siblings. Siblings KNOW that their older siblings are not the parents and understandably push a whole lot harder against sibling restraints than parental restraints. I can understand why using older siblings to keep younger siblings occupied and safe works - but it also means that the stay-at-home parent will be teaching boundaries 24/7. (Babysitting my brother was a bit of a train wreck. He's 4.5 years younger than me - and his entire attitude could be summed up as "Whatever, dude". He wasn't badly behaved - he just acted like this was a major inconvenience.)
DeleteThere isn't anything wrong with a big family. Children are hard and can be unpredictable as you would know. Tiffany's trying to look on the bright side, and yes its in a "shame on me" way, but she's trying her best in the way she knows how. People are really hard on these family's. Yes, they are completely imperfect, but what family isn't? its unfair to assume from the outside what is going on within there home. We are really just doing what we call them out for. Were judging them and belittling them for what they believe, just like we accuse them of doing to us. Abuse and brain washing is wrong, and children should be removed from abusive environments; they should be given freedom to think for themselves, but if these family's are not abusing there children and are really trying to do what they think is best for there children and what they think will make them happy, and I'm not saying all these parents are, but if they are, then we shouldn't speak so negatively about them. It is good to notice issues within society and I don't think you mean to belittle these people, but to assume so much about there family situation I feel is unjustified.
ReplyDeleteShe assumes nothing they literally didn't just write down themselves. They are treating their teenage daughters like indentured servants and depriving them of the ability to function on their own in regular society, so yeah, I'm gonna judge.
DeleteNo, there's nothing wrong with large families. I came from a small family and will likely have a small family myself but my dad was one of eight and I have several uncles/aunts/cousins with between 5-9 kids.
DeleteIt is possible to have a large family without overly relying on the oldest girls to act as young mothers - but it takes two parents who are willing to work nearly every moment they are awake or at home at training the youngest children in the family. Small children are fascinating - but they need a lot of direct and indirect instruction how to be respectful of other people's bodies, other people's things, and taught how not to injure themselves and others. Siblings cannot teach that as well to younger kids - not because of any issues with the older siblings but because of the nature of sibling to sibling rebellion. Families can - and do - teach kids to pick up after themselves, to not track mud in the house, and to ask permission before climbing on adults/older children.
Grabbing coffee off a counter can lead to terrible injuries; my brother-in-law snagged a cup of hot tea off a counter left unattended by a guest when he was three. He got 2nd degree burns on his face and neck that he has scarring from today.
I am assuming that Tiffany is not included in discussions about her parents' sex life and the number of resulting offspring - but she really shouldn't be anyway.
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DeleteThanks, I hope I didn't come across as I angry. I wasn't upset, and I agree with you. Parents should definitely take care of their own Responsibility's. I come from a very persecuted faith, I think a lot of people do, so I feel sorry for them in that sense, but I know I do not agree with them or there way of bringing up children.
DeleteThere's nothing wrong with being angry if you are; I realized when I started blogging that some posts would bring strong reactions to other people. I often have mixed feelings about the families I write about. I want them to be happy and fulfilled - but I also don't want people traveling down a dangerous road.
DeleteI mostly liked Tiffany's passage, but not how she shamed herself or how Stacy scolds the reader in the questions. "Fiery darts"? That's extreme.
ReplyDeleteTiffany had three sisters around her age to help with younger kids (when Stacy and James first married, they already had four or five kids between them). So, I hope she wasn't as strung out as some QF daughters.
I didn't realize the older bunch of kids were a blended family. That adds a different dimension of frustration to the family if there's a bit of an age difference between the oldest 4-5 and the remainder.
DeleteMost of my frustration comes from the running theme in the book that women are not allowed to enforce any boundaries with their siblings. Having a four-year old who climbs into an older sibling's lap to beg for cake is teaching the teenager and the four year old that adult women have no right to their own body or their own space. Pre-schoolers are still learning a lot of family and social norms - but that's a behavior I would expect out of a 1-2 year old.
Yes, I hate that too. I recall how the Botkins made the erroneous comparison of a boy spilling soda on your sweater and a small brother who barges into your room without knocking for the tenth time. NOT excusable; I doubt they were promoting that, but girls are entitled to not always respond with patience. Boys should never, ever be taught that girls will always react calmly when they cross boundaries, or that they SHOULD.
DeleteThis breaks my heart. Where is Tiffany's childhood? When does she get to be a kid growing up and not a grown-up already?
ReplyDeleteWhen she laments that other families have it better, SHE'S RIGHT! I want to tell her that I DID get to lose myself in a book when I was a kid. I did get to run to my parents when I felt my brother was being unfair and they decided what to do. I did get to expect reciprocal respect from my siblings. I did have parents who enforced boundaries like "if his/her door is closed, you're not allowed to go in". Wanting things are not selfish or ungrateful.
This girl is going to grow up and (if she follows her family's theology), have 20 more years of exactly the same thing her whole childhood included. When does she get to figure out exactly who she is and what she wants?
So super sad to me.
I feel the same way. Teenagers often have unrealistic expectations of life in general and family life in particular - but Tiffany's wishes are quite manageable even in a large family.
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