I wrote a previous blog post about the Corkum family: two parents, two biological kids, one adopted son adopted in accordance with best practices followed by the adoption of three unrelated teenagers who were substantially older than the other three kids. The last three adoptions have been a complete mess and by 2016 all three of the kids were living in other placements.
Prior to the oldest adopted kids leaving, the most disruptive kid was placed in public schools. Melissa Corkum had previously home schooled all of the kids using the classical method so this was a hard transition for her. She wrote a post about things that the kid's teacher has said that are emotionally devastating to her. The post made me laugh because I've said all of these things to parents (or something pretty close) before and I can promise that the teacher did not mean what Mrs. Corkum heard.
Statement One:
“She has been super cooperative for me.”
Teacher's POV: I've said this a million times to a million parents. The phrase "for me" reflects the fact that I have no idea how the student behaved in another classroom. It sounds far more professional than "She was great for me today, but I have no idea about what happened in math class. I think I'd have heard if she had a total and complete meltdown during lunch - but you know - my room is in that isolated area so I don't always hear about what happened right away...."
Corkum's POV:
Of course she has. You’re not a safe person in her book nor are you a threat to her emotionally, yet. I felt it necessary to disclose her behavioral diagnoses to you so you would understand notes that read, “We are choosing not to do homework…ever.” I tried to explain that I was fully confident that she wouldn’t act out for you because of how her attachment issues manifest themselves. I tried to explain her viscous violence was reserved for special people…like her family. When you state how she acts for you in that way, you make it sound like you think I’m the problem. That if I just treated her a certain way or change my attitude, I could get the same result. I’ve spent over 2 years trying to be the mom my daughter wants and coming up short pretty much every time. I’m exhausted and tired and sometimes really angry. When I hear you say that, I come home and cry.
Teacher Response: Let me see if I'm hearing you correctly. I need to lie about how your daughter is behaving in class. You want me to tell you that she's horrible to me and just mean to everyone - rather than the truth of the matter.
She's a teenager. Some teenagers never do homework. I don't blame parents for that; a teenager is more than old enough to do homework without parental prodding. As long as the parents accept that failure to do homework has consequences towards grades, there's not going to be any issues. I'll call home every so often if her grades are really low to let you know - but most of the remediation will happen in school.
I'm far more concerned about the fact that you, Mrs. Corkum, are so overwhelmed that you unloaded your daughter's emotional issues to a complete stranger to protect your pride. I have no idea how your daughter acts at home - and bluntly - it's none of my damn business. If you want, I can refer your daughter to support services within the school and give you support services in the community.
Statement Two:
“She’s really a delight to have here.”
Teacher's POV: Parents of at-risk kids hear ALL THE TIME about how obnoxious the kid is. I like letting parents know the truth - the vast majority of kids are fun to be around even if they are a handful at times. I keep a mental list of positive features about each of my students because I shared a thing I liked about a C-average student during my student teaching and his mom cried; she'd never heard a single positive thing about her funny, spontaneous, witty teenage son because he didn't do so well in classes.Corkum's POV:
I’m jealous we can’t feel that way about her at home. Deep down I know she’s a great kid, but a hurt one. It’s so unfortunate that the people that care about her the most are also the ones that make her feel the most unsafe. Damn attachment disorder. The entire family has sacrificed for her…financially, with our time, and emotionally, and we still get treated like the enemy. My head gets it. My heart is sick and tired of living it. I hate that you, comparatively, invest almost nothing, but you get her best side.
Teacher Response: There is a critical survival trick for working with troubled teens known as emotional boundaries. I'm a safe person to your daughter not because I don't care about her but because I can separate my emotional needs from her actions. I want your daughter to do well in life and to be happy. I know that my relationship with her will not work if I expect her behavior to change based on the amount of sacrifices or effort I put into the relationship. She's not a coin-based vending machine where once I've put enough money, time or energy into her that a happy well-adjusted teen comes out. I make my choices on how much energy to put into our relationship based on my needs and my perception of her needs and I don't expect a return on my investment.I would also recommend that you stop looking at your daughter's behavior as some kind of competition. Your daughter feels safe at school - isn't that something to be grateful for?
Statement Three:
“She’s doing amazing well for only having been here 2 years and having never been to school.”
Teacher's POV: Most students who immigrate to another country without the support of their immediate family are completely shell-shocked for a year or more. Learning a new language is exhausting. Learning the customs of a new country is exhausting. Puberty is exhausting. Grieving is exhausting. Your family is doing something right if she's doing so well in a new environment after such a short transition.Corkum's POV:
First, she’s spent over three years here fully immersed in English. That year travelling in a choir totally counts. She is not like your typical ESL students who go home and revert back to their native tongue. Second, if you say she’s never had formal schooling one more time and negate the blood, sweat, and tears of homeschooling her for the last 2 and a half years, I might punch you. I know this may sound petty, but it sounds like you’re giving her all the credit. If you only knew thankless, endless hours of having her repeat back the proper English and pronunciation so she would be understood in public.
Teacher Response: So now I have to pamper your vanity as well as lie about your daughter?Here's a dose of reality, Mrs. Corkum.
- Three years of immersion in English puts your daughter at the beginning area of learning formal academic English. She's probably fluent at conversational English now - but that's much more simple than learning all of the vocabulary and tenses she's expected to be fluent in as a high school student.
- She's had 8 years of disrupted education in Ethiopia prior to coming to the USA; there is no way in hell you managed to fully remediate that in 2.5 years - including that time she was traveling with a choir.
- The fact that she's immersed in English 24/7 with your family has no measurable benefit for acquiring English once basic conversational fluency is reached. Studies have shown that students of all ages reach a level of exhaustion after several hours of immersive English classes. On the other hand, being able to speak fluently in her native language at home is often a relief for the student. That gives her more time to re-charge her batteries and relax before hitting more English the next day.
- Working on pronunciation is a waste of time for a teenager. Spending endless hours doing repetitive drills under the eyes of a burnt-out caregiver is a waste of time for anyone. Yes, you wasted 2.5 years because you couldn't be bothered to consult with educational authorities on best language acquisition practices.
My job as a teacher isn't to wax poetic about how great your home schooling regimen was; honestly, I completely forgot you tried to home school her about 30 seconds after you left the room. My job is to keep you up to date on your child's progress. If you need more positive feedback on your job as a parent, talk to your husband, your pastor, or tell me that you want me to compliment you - I'll do that. Don't project your issues onto my communication style.
..That woman takes a looot of things very personally. It's gotten worrisome.
ReplyDeleteShe takes it personally - and interprets it through a huge chip on her shoulder. I'm willing to bet serious money that the teacher was praising the daughter and expected that the mom would be happy and content from that praise. I didn't see it very often - but a few of my students had parents who were in direct competition with them. This meant that every time I praised the student during parent-teacher conferences (with the kid present) the parent would one-up whatever the kid did. This is a subtle form of that situation where Mrs. Corkum expects direct praise for any strides the teacher sees in her daughter and the teacher to ignore any positive things that the daughter did that Mrs. Corkum can't take credit for. It's really sad - and a sign that the family need help.
DeleteWhen I hear "never having been to school before" I take it at face value.
ReplyDeleteSchool isn't just academics. It is huge crowds of slow moving bodies. It's drama (even when you aren't personally involved, there's something going on). It's a lot of slang and unknown references. It's having to figure out the expectations of 20-50+ different adults.
It is NOT the same as learning at home.
I agree. There's so much going on in a school that changing schools is very stressful for average, run-of-the-mill US teens.
DeleteAs a PTA parent, I met a woman that Mrs. Corkum reminds me of. She had a stepson in my son's class. This boy had had a very rough early childhood (with a schizophrenic birth mother who had homeschooled him). He really struggled academically and sometimes behaviorally but he was also incredibly funny, generous to his fellow students and a fabulous actor.
ReplyDeleteWhenever anyone praised him for these qualities, the stepmother immediately ran him down by talking about instances where he had messed up. I watched her interact with other parents and teachers and I finally realized, she loved the drama of having a difficult child. She didn't want to hear good things about him: she wanted to hear terrible things because it a) created drama and made her the center of attention and b) established her as the bestest martyr stepmom in the whole world!
She was, I believe, a narcissist who needed the child to fail spectacularly to confirm her view of herself as wonderful.
The fantastic teachers at the public school secured a scholarship for the boy at a
boarding school solely so they could get him away from her. Last I heard, he was doing well there.
TL:DR
Mrs. Corkum appears to be a narcissist. Note how she views everything the teacher says as being about her and not about the child. The child is a prop in her drama.
I'm glad that boy got out of that situation! That sounds horrific.
DeleteI've never had any situation quite that severe - but I did have parents who I had to phrase praise of their kid within the context of praising the parent. In those rare situations, the parent was on the lower functioning end of normal and had a bright kid of whom they were jealous. Super-sad situation - thankfully, the kid was always willing to get counseling from outside sources to help deal with the family dynamics.
It was pretty bad and really increased my admiration for the difficult work teachers do. They have to teach complex material to children with many different learning styles while also being alert to signs of abuse/neglect. Then they also have to deal with parents!
DeleteI find it really sad that you encountered parents who were jealous of their own children. So sad that they couldn't rejoice in their children's talents....
I have no idea if Mrs. Corkum has some kind of narcissism or personality disorder, or if she's just so completely exhausted emotionally, physically, mentally and in every other way that she cannot hear what people are saying. It seems feasible to me that she's so way beyond her limits that everything sounds like an attack to her, (that's how a lot of people who have faced trauma are). I would love it if she could actually have a loving person around her who could let her know her responses are not in the least bit objective.
ReplyDeleteI hope this is one of the children that has left her home, so she (and the child) can hopefully be in a better environment, away from each other -- which is what it sounds like they both need.
All three of the older adopted kids - including the one who was having the most problems - have left the home. I hope they are doing well in safe places.
DeleteI hope she seeks out counseling - if only to have a safe place to process the anger she feels.