Preparing Sons: Chapter Six - Part One

There is a normal stage of development that kids go through where they assume that everything done by their family and everything they personally like is "good" or "normal" while everything done by other people that is different or that they don't like is "bad" or "abnormal".

I hit that stage when I was around 7.  Due to some unusual external circumstances, the vast majority of friends I had were fluent in English plus they used one other language at home.  The language varied from ASL at our house to Spanish, Vietnamese, Polish or Dutch.

When I found out that most of my classmates spoke English and only English, I was horrified.  Why weren't their parents teaching them a second language at home?  How could they communicate with their deaf sibling/cousin/niece/nephew?  How could they communicate with their grandparents who lived overseas?   I couldn't believe that their parents were being so cavialier with second-language acquisition and the family relationships that language maintained.

By the time I was in junior high, I realized that my family and our friends were different than most other families in the area.  Most of my school mates came from families that had been in the US for three generations or more.  Their families had stopped using any language besides English several generations ago.  Also, deafness was far more rare than I had thought it was.   I understood why families did different things with language - and I accepted that their way of doing things was as "right" as my way.

This chapter makes it clear that Steven Maxwell is still working making decisions at a seven-year-old level of comprehension.  The world according to Maxwell is divided into different levels of "good" and "bad" actions:

• Most Moral:  Church-related items (tracting, performing at nursing homes or homeless shelters etc.)
• Morally Acceptable: Steven Maxwell's current hobbies (running, exercising, weight lifting)
• Mildly Unacceptable: Hobbies Steven Maxwell has given up (recreational vehicle ownership and use)
• Solidly Immoral: Hobbies that Maxwell views as being crude or beneath him (Hunting or fishing, professional sports, gambling, alcohol use)
• Ragingly Immoral: Any hobby that Maxwell feels loosens his control over his family (Youth sports, all forms of visual media)

The chapter itself begins with an ancedote that my husband and I reference as "Penny Pete's slide into HELL!":

When Randy was 5, his mother taught him to play a little card game. It was called " Penny Pat", having the objective of winning the other person's pennies. What started out as an innocent gesture of love by mother desiring to spend time with her son soon let her son to a passion for gambling. Within years he was addicted. School held little interest. Seemingly an innocuous game led to an enslaving passion. How would this have affected Randy's ability to care for his family had Randy, as an adult, not come to know Jesus Christ as his Savior and then freed from the chains of gambling? (pg 86)

Wow!  My state spends millions of dollars each year funding help for problem gamblers - but the real solution is "don't play card games with 5 year-olds!"  The solution is so clear now!

The really ironic point is that Randy was never a problem gambler from a close read of the story.  Randy's story has three time points:

• During childhood, Randy played a card game where he won pennies.
• During his teenage years, Randy found that gambling with friends was more fun than school work.
• As an adult, Randy found Christ and gave up gambling - along with other hot-button issues like drinking alcohol and all forms of dancing.

If Randy was a problem gambler, Steve would have one (or more) time points that have painful recollections like "Randy lost his tution playing online poker" or "Randy couldn't pay the heating bill one winter because of his gambling debts."  Randy is a normal person.  He was exposed to some form of gambling as a kid.  He liked card games more than schooling as a teen.  As an adult, he could choose to avoid problematic behaviors around gambling.  Hell, I fit that story line except that we didn't play cards for pennies; no, my dad would buy us scratch-and-win lotto tickets because we loved scratching the shiny silver stuff off with pennies.  One of my sibings may have won once - but I'm not even sure about that and the total winning was like $5.00.

Personally, I don't recommend gambling with children - but more because it takes fun games and turns them into high-stakes nightmares for kids who are still working on emotional regulation.  As an adult, gambling doesn't appeal to me - mainly because I enjoy  the process of scratching off the shiny material with a coin more than I like winning $5.00 from the ticket.

The next anecdote includes Steven Maxwell holding himself as a great example of how to avoid potentially ruinous activities:

Teri and I have chosen never to try downhill skiing. Is skiing sinful? No, of course not! Perhaps we thought it would not be fun? No. We knew it would be an exciting way to enjoy the winter outdoors. However, friends have told us how expensive a hobby skiing is, and we saw no reason to create an appetite in ourselves for it. (pg. 86)

Alrighty then.  We now know that the Maxwell Family Adults can't be trusted to determine if an activity fits into their yearly budget and cannot figure out how to do that activity as cheaply as possible.  Duly noted.

For the rest of the universe: Any hobby can be expensive.  One of my favorite episodes of "Malcolm in the Middle" - which seems to be loosely based on my family :-) - involves the father, Hal, getting involved with "Dance, Dance Revolution" team competitions at a local arcade and spending $150 on dance shoes to improve his pencil turns.   

Downhill skiing can be expensive - but not prohibitively expensive for a family of five on the salary of an engineer.  Assuming Teri and Steve went skiing in my local area of Michigan, a lift ticket and ski rentals would run between $50-60 depending on day of the week and time.    Yup, downhill skis can be expensive to own and skiing clothing gets pricey quick.  Of course, if you buy the skiis and poles second-hand, buy new boots that you wear for 10-15 years and buy off-brand hunting clothing that is windproof, you can outfit yourself for a fraction of the price.   

I love cross-country skiing and have outfitted myself affordably.  I purchased boots for $60.00 online from the manufacter at the end of the season, got a used pair of skis for $30.00, replaced my original pair of poles for $15.00 and bought adult snow pants for $19.99 in the hunting section instead of $99.00 in the skiing section.  The boots will last me for at least 10 years, the skiis may outlast me, the snow pants are in their 5th season and the poles are usually good for 10-15 years.  Likewise, I love to swim.  I buy 3-4 swimsuits during end-of-season markdowns yearly for $30 a piece and stock up on goggles and swim caps when they are on sale.  Plus, both are a good investment for my physical health since they encourage me to exercise 6 times a week and for my mental health by getting me out of the house and in nature or with other people.

The next ancedote shows how nothing is ever really the fault of Steven Maxwell - or any other patriarch in CP/QF families.  (I skipped a paragraph in the middle filled with Bible verses about "God's best".  You're welcome :-) )

Flying small private planes with a passion for me. I acquired my appetite for flying from my father. I fed it, and it became a passion. Twenty years ago my Lord Jesus told me no more flying. God spoke to my heart about discontinuing since I had to take a significant amount of our limited family income to fly each month. There is nothing sinful about flying; it just wasn't God's best for me.

[...]

Even though a wife agrees to the expenditure doesn't mean she believes it is God's best use for the money. When I was spending the family's money on flying, it was okay with Teri . She said, "Yes," because she loved me and wanted me to be happy.

Some men may whine and subtly pout when they don't get their way. Eventually the wife will say, "Go ahead". In a flash we have spent the money with our wives' " full" blessing. We must remember, though: even if we can finagle our wives into agreeing it doesn't mean that it's the Lord's will. (pg. 87)

So....Steven Maxwell's love of flying small planes was the fault of his father for taking him flying as a kid - and Teri Maxwell for giving into Steve Maxwell's whining and sulking.    The rationale reminds me more of arguments I've heard from immature freshmen in high school than adult men - and the kids who made these kind of arguments often had much less successful trajectories than kids who said "Yup.  I screwed up.  I'll try to do better next time."

Flying private planes is really expensive - like $125 an hour with a mininum of 2 hrs expensive.  The weird oversight is that having a pilot's license and keeping it up-to-date can be helpful in entering aerospace engineering.  I have a cousin who works in aviation engineering.  He got a small-aircraft license while in college and budgeted to get enough hours in a plane to maintain his license while he was looking for work in aviation engineering.  When he received a job at the company he wanted, he found out that his flight experience and license had been a major factor in separating him out from other candidates.

Steven behaved like a jerk - but even jerks make smart career choices sometimes.

Realizing the seriousness of my influence on my children, I tried to carefully guard the appetites that are stirred within them. We must understand that our children's lives will not be ruined if they miss out on some fun experiences. For example, there have been opportunities for my children to go for a private plane ride or a motorcycle ride. I have not pursued any of those offers. Would they have had fun? Absolutely! However, I know that they would have come away " hooked" with an appetite for something that God might not have directed to be part of their lives. I would love to see God lead one of my children to be a missionary pilot, but I won't take the chance of stirring up a " flying" appetite unless God very clearly directs. (pg. 88)

*raises hand*
I have a question.  Can any of your kids afford to pay $250.00 for a two-hour plane rental?  No?  Then what on earth are you worrying about?

My dad grew up in a family of 8 kids on a railway worker salary.  One of my aunts always wanted a horse - and her siblings were pretty blunt that that would never happen.  Well, my aunt has owned four horses that I remember on a librarian's salary.  She's never married - but she also probably has high functioning autism severe enough that living with a husband or kids would be extremely stressful for her.  I feel strongly that she's following God's will for her life; she's a loving owner to her horses and the horses keep her around other people who she likes.  She also rescues collies and an occasional completely crazy cat or two.  (I like her cats - but my family attracts completely psychotic cats....)

I don't think Steven Maxwell has listened to God's calls for his family very well.  He smothered Christopher's desire to be an EMT and didn't steer Christopher to attend college to get a graphic design degree when Christopher was interested in that area. Instead, Christopher launched a design company that failed within a few years.  Christopher is allowed to be a photographer for weddings - but Sarah's the family member who has a real knack for taking photos.  Sarah, on the other hand, is slotted as the family author of children's books - but Teri has the best writing ability of the family.  Since Nathan did well in computers, the other sons have been pushed to follow that lead.  It seems to be working for Joseph - but John's running a dead-on-arrivial agriculture site along with selling homes. 

Oh, well.  Not much I can do about it.

So far, we've learned that "Childhood Card Games = Enslaving Passion" (5. A), that "Downhill Skiing = Possibly Spending Money!" (2. B).   In the next post, we'll learn about movies, TV, and professional sports.