Preparing Sons: Chapter Nine - Part Two

This chapter from Steven Maxwell's "Preparing Sons to Provide for a Single Income Family" discusses how to raise 7-12 year old boys.  A previous post covered the sections on spirituality, vision, and teaching kids to work hard.   The next section covers the importance of having kids do chores.  Maxwell and I agree in broad strokes - kids reap a lot of benefits to doing age-appropriate chores.  Keeping a home running is a lot of work and it's fair for kids to help out with that work.  Chores involve using a lot of gross muscle, fine muscle and cognitive skills so learning to do chores helps develop new skills for little ones.   I'm less than impressed with one of Maxwell's rationales:

One of the many benefits of chores is that our children will appreciate how much work it is to keep house. We do not want to be guilty of raising a son who takes the work his wife does for granted. He should know how to help his wife with household chores in addition to being grateful for all she does. (pg. 125)

My first issue is that this paragraph normalizes the Maxwell ideal of all offspring living at home until they are married.  The reality is that most men and women live as single adults at some point during their lives.  Most men and women live as single adults if they become financially independent prior to marriage - and all marriage.

My second issue is the normalization of expecting a wife to do all the household chores as an ideal situation.   My husband and I agree - as my parents did - that raising children (with all the associated tasks) is more than enough of a full-time job for a stay-at-home mother. Most couples split up the rest of the household chores between them.   I do the majority of the daily chores around the house right now, but my husband does a lot of the care for our son when he's home in the morning and evening.  Maxwell's description of a husband "helping" his wife makes the husband sound like an eager, but relatively unskilled elementary school kid rather than an adult.

From chores, Maxwell moves into the idea of having kids help out on projects. Personally, my family has treated projects as a one-time or recurring large chore.   Everyone was expected to help out to the best of their ability to get the work done quickly and well.    The first anecdote in the section is supposed to inspire readers about what their kids can do when all extraneous "fun" activities are removed from their lives.  I was not inspired; I was horrified:

When Joseph was seven years old and John was five, they asked if they could landscape the front of  the house. The job involved digging up sod in the heat of summer. After some persistence on their part, I agreed to give them the project. I was concerned about the shovels and tools they would be using so I presented them with some rules aimed at protecting them from injury. Every day, out those two little boys would go with their shovels, digging and sweating. I helped them at times, but it was their project. For the final steps, we worked together putting the black weed preventer down and then planting the bushes. I cannot imagine a trophy on a shelf meaning more to me than that landscaping! (pg. 126)

I like gardening and was trained as an under-gardener by both my mother and father.  Age-appropriate chores for a 5-7 year old kid include transplanting small annuals, watering plants, deadheading flowers, harvesting vegetables and raking leaves.   Kids that young should not be breaking sod!  I started breaking sod at around age 12.  At that age, I was tall enough to use an adult shovel, heavy enough that my body weight would drive the point through the sod, and strong enough to flip the broken sod onto a tarp to dry.   I'm pretty sure that if I had tried to break sod at age 5, I would have stepped on the shovel, had the point barely break the surface, and fallen over when I lost my balance.  I know that that happened when my dad finally gave in my pleas to let me help him break sod when I was 7 or 8.

I hope one of the safety concerns Maxwell was keeping an eye on was heat-stroke!  I live in Michigan where July and August temperatures are between 80-90 degrees F with 90% humidity or more.  Based on my memories of watching the Weather Channel as a kid, Kansas is like Michigan but 10 degrees warmer.   Overheating while doing vigorous exertion happens frequently out here and parents keep a close eye on their young kids who are playing outside.

The arborist in me is cringing at the idea of planting bushes mid-summer surrounded by black plastic mulch.   If Maxwell is going to let his kids do projects that are too advanced for their age, he should at least teach them the correct times of year to transplant trees and bushes.  Transplantation is very stressful for trees and bushes.  To minimize stress on the plant, most people transplant woody plants in early spring or late fall.   The plants are usually in a dormant period which can tolerate stress better and the mild temperatures do not stress the plants.   If someone has to transplant in mid-summer, the best bet is to add a heavy layer of mulch to cool the nearby soil (and cool the microclimate by the tree if at all possible).     We had to transplant a half-grown Japanese maple in the middle of the summer a few years ago.   I made sure to deeply water the tree twice a week because we live in an extremely windy exposure that causes soil to dry out rapidly.  I would also run a sprinkler on sections of the lawn nearby in the mid-afternoon when the temperature was hot and the tree was in the sun to cool the area around the tree.

After that rousing story, Maxwell explains his philosophy on having his kids learn new skills:

Don't begin by trying to decide if your son has the skills for the job. If you approach training your son that way, he will seldom be qualified for anything. In our home the rule is: " If you haven't done something before, or think it is impossible, then we will give you a little more time to do it." Set high goals and learning expectations for your children.

How many of us adults have been required to do something that you have not done before? I'm confident everyone has had this experience. It's part of life, isn't it? Therefore, why not get your children accustomed to doing projects that they have never done before? When I asked my child to undertake a new task, I will facilitate him slightly. I want to see him thinking about how he will tackle the job and what he may need to learn before he can begin. He will need to be able to do whatever research is required. There is no reason for a son to be spoon-fed unless you were planning on being by his side when he is providing for his family. If you want a son who is an independent adult, he must learn how to learn on his own and be willing to tackle unknown projects when necessary. (pg. 127)

I know I keep saying this - but this section is written for elementary school kids, not high school students!  Many of the kids in this age-group will be missing the thinking skills needed to plan out the details of a project that they have never done before because of their developmental age.   For kids who are developmentally ready to make a plan, remember that they have relatively little life experience.  Many activities that are simple to an adult are completely mind-boggling to an elementary student. 

I don't like telling kids that they have to do a project even if they think the project is impossible to complete.  The kid has a reason for thinking that a project is impossible.  The least I can do is listen to the kid to find out why they think the project is impossible.  In my experience, kids think something is impossible when they misunderstand what needs to be done so all I need to do is clarify the project.  On the other hand, the kid might see something that I don't that makes the project impossible.

Oh, the last few sentences made me laugh.  Maxwell has eight kids.  Of those eight kids, only Nathan has a documented history of working outside of the family business away from Steven.  Nathan eventually returned to Communication Concepts, INC which was started by Steven and appears to be running it now.  Christopher and Joseph have started similar computer-based businesses.  John has an agricultural business that might not be viable along with selling homes as a realtor; if someone can show that he's sold a house, that would be a second kid working independently.  The youngest son Jesse is working at Joseph's business.  Sarah's been running Titus 2 Ministries since she was in high school - although it takes some careful reading of the "Managers of Their ....." books to put it together.  Anna is working as a customer-service representative for Nathan's business.  I have no idea what Mary's doing outside of being a mother's helper for her three sisters-in-law who have children.

If you are able to ensure your children safety, give them tools. Real tools make great gifts, and if they are good quality, you are building a tool chest your son will need in the future.

[...]

Teri and I like to give our sons tools on special, gift-giving occasions. The tools we choose usually have lifetime warranties so we know they're built to last. If the tool ever breaks, it can be exchanged. Screwdrivers, pliers, sockets, and wrenches are all great gifts. How thrilling to a little boy's heart to help Daddy with home repairs using his own tools! As always, it is critical that great caution be exercised to be sure the tools are used safely. I have my sons keep their tools away until Dad is available to work with them. (pg. 127-128)

I like tools.  I like the idea buying tools for gifts - but starting in elementary school is a bit young.   The tools that a kid can use most effectively are not the same size or weight as a tool that an adult can use the best.   Plus, getting lifetime warranted tools for each son in a CP/QF family is going to get expensive in a hurry.     A cheaper option would be to buy a variety of sized tools divided into "kids", "teens" and "adults" sets so that family members can choose the equipment that works best for them. 
As always, I think that girls would benefit from having a tool set as well.  Steven Maxwell likes using his kids as workers on home-construction projects.  Perhaps the girls would like to do something besides digging ditches, moving random material and painting.

Steven moves from tools into allowances (which he's in favor of; that's a third thing we agree on) to schooling in a mildly disconcerting way.   Most of the section on education is a long discussion of why education doesn't have to be fun because life isn't always fun.  He's not going to get any disagreement from me on that point - but I do try and make education appealing by interspersing independent work like reading or writing with short group activities or hands-on projects. 

We've covered that Steven Maxwell and his kids have benefited from Maxwell's college education - but I'm not sure that Maxwell understands that benefit.  He's got a strangely cavalier attitude to teaching kids academic subjects.

Obviously, the education he receives from his schooling is vital to him having marketable skills. Frequently these days, we hear news reports on the high number of high school graduates who are illiterate. Illiteracy will certainly limit a man's potential for earning a livable wage. You want a son who is comfortable with reading, spelling, writing, and math skills. In addition, you would like for him to have a basic knowledge of many other disciplines such as History, Science, Health, art, music, government, and economics. You have many years to instill this fundamental information into your sons, but don't lose sight of the fact that school is necessary part of preparing a son. (pg. 129)

I'll write up a separate post some day about the Maxwell homeschool education - but I promise that it is underwhelming.  He didn't forget to include English/Language Arts; the Maxwells don't study it at all.  The highest math level the family has finished is Algebra II - but they take Algebra II immediately after Algebra I without a separate Geometry class.   The kids only take one year of high school science which is a very basic physical science class.  I'd forgive a weak STEM curriculum if the family compensated with an intensive humanities curriculum - but they don't study art, music, any form of fiction/poetry or foreign languages with the level of intensity that would be expected by high school.

That last sentence is a bit terrifying since the Maxwells are taking 12 years to teach a curriculum that is equivalent in most subjects to an 8th grade curriculum.  (I'll give them 10th grade in math - but they are at 3rd or 4th grade in English/Language Arts....yikes.)

If it is obvious your son already has a bent and leading from the Lord towards a particular vocation, you can also begin at this age to allow some school time for him to pursue the appropriate studies in that direction. Not only does this begin his education specifically applicable for his future, it also helps discern whether this is really a viable career direction for him. Even if you don't have an indication of your son's future work, you can use school time to help you towards this discernment. For example, schedule computer time. Does he like it? Does he have an aptitude for it? What about shop time? Can he build a project? Does he enjoy working with his hands? Perhaps you will plan a foreign language into your son school day. Does he have a natural ability to learn a foreign language? Is it exciting for him? (pg 131)

Um...yeah.  Look, it's great if a kid shows some aptitude for a career at age 7 or 8 - but that's way too young to start slotting kids into academic or vocational tracks.   I highly doubt that the posters we made in third grade about the careers we wanted to pursue as adults have a strong correlation to what people are actually doing now.

The Maxwells have a relatively small number of kids spaced over a long period of time. This meant that Teri Maxwell generally only had 2 kids who needed a lot of attention from her as a teacher.  The rest were either graduated, old enough to work independently or preschoolers.  That makes adapting curriculum for computer time, woodworking time or a foreign language possible for his parents.

How does that work in the Duggar or Bates family?  At least those two families have cash from their TV shows.  How about the Rodrigues family when they were traveling and living in an RV with 13 children?  How about the Pearl family when they were living Tennessee and had no money for food?

Let's be honest: the Maxwell family is in an entirely different economic sphere than the average CP/QF family.  Need more proof?  Check out this last quote:

When Joseph was 10 years old, we purchased the professional version of Delphi for him. It is an extremely powerful computer programming language. He spent many of his "free" hours learning to program. He had no other instruction than what he could dig out of the books we had. He still has a long way to go, but he has learned a tremendous amount already. (pg. 132)

Maxwell is right; Delphi is a very powerful computer programing language.  What he doesn't mention is that the Maxwell Family dropped at least $1,000 to purchase that.   Joseph also benefited from the fact that the Maxwell Family apparently had books on using Delphi to program laying around the house.  That's not a given in most families. 

Either the Maxwell Family has way more disposable income than my family ever did - or Steven Maxwell is being loosey-goosey with language again.  I learned how to use a lot of programs by working on my dad's computer at school.  I didn't own a copy of a program - but I used a copy outside of working hours to type papers or crunch data.   Similarly, purchasing a copy of Delphi for Communication Concepts, INC would make sense if that was when Nathan, Christopher and Steven were pivoting from selling copying services and internet forms to providing internet security features.  Letting Joseph use their Delphi program outside of company hours would let him build skills in programing without dropping an insane amount of money in case a 4th grader had latent programing skills. 

I know which scenario I'm putting my money on.

The rest of the chapter is filler on not letting kids watch TV, go on the Web unsupervised or letting kids play with evil toys.  I wish he had been more descriptive about the evil toys; I'm not sure if he's talking about not letting kids run around with weapons and Ouija boards - or if he's certain that giving kids a Disney character toy that came in a Happy Meal will doom their souls to hell.

I know which scenario I'm putting my money on.