CP/QF Crazy: Carry a loaded gun at all times.

Howdy all! 

Normally, I'd post a "Maidens of Virtue" or "Single Income Sons" review today, but the baby is down with his first real respiratory virus and I'm indulging my urge to watch him like a hawk.  He's really absolutely fine; he just wants to cuddle on my lap all day so we're watching movies that CP adherents would find deeply disturbing like "Moana" and "Mulan".   We'll probably wrap up with something the Maxwell Family would find abhorrent: an entire movie of talking animals doing crazy things known as "Madagascar". Jack giggles every time he sees the lion - which makes me giggle.

I've been saving this post from "In A Shoe" by Kim C. for years based on the question:

I have a question for Kim C: Do you always carry a gun? What safety measures do you take, surrounded all day by young children? My husband and I are thinking more about getting a handgun. We don’t own one now, and the thought of it makes me very nervous, as children are curious and accidents happen.

Personally, I don't own a gun.  My husband has a licensed .44 handgun that he keeps unloaded in a locked case in his truck with the ammo stored in a different locked case either in the truck or in the office of the farm he's on.  He uses it solely for the rare situation where he needs to euthanize a cow quickly due to a broken leg.  (Our vets are great - but best-case time from when we call the vet to arrival on the farm is 30 minutes and can be over an hour if the weather is bad or the on-call vet is already at a different farm.  A broken leg is painful and uniformly fatal on an adult cow so it's best to end her suffering quickly.)   The gun never comes in the house.

I don't see the point of carrying a handgun for self-defense.  I'm firmly in favor of de-escalating a situation wherever possible and whipping a gun out does not do that.  With a personal history of depression and anxiety, having a gun around greatly increases my risk of committing suicide - and I don't want to do that either.

Kim C. disagrees with me.

I carry almost any time I leave the house, and often around the house as well. I wear a bellyband, with my gun in the back securely against my body. This lets me nurse a baby, use the bathroom, carry a toddler on my hip, even change clothes without ever removing it. I never take it off and set it down anywhere, because I know that there is a chance I might someday forget to pick it up again. I never carry in my purse, where it could easily be snatched or set down unattended. I either wear it or put it away.

CP/QF Crazy: That Time Isaac Anderson's Asthma nearly killed him...

 While surfing around looking for issues within CP/QF adherents, home schooling done badly and international adoptions gone wrong, I frequently hit a random post that has some major issues that need to be addressed. 

Steven and Zsuzsanna Anderson are a CP/QF couple with ten children ranging from 16 years to a newborn son.  They hold repugnant beliefs involving homosexuality being a capital crime and got in the news cycle every 18 months or so by proclaiming that killing Obama would be godly.  They've never made the connection that the two of them would have been completely bankrupted by the major medical interventions needed during Boaz and Jachim's pregnancy if the nation-wide, one-time open enrollment plan for ACA / Obamacare hadn't lined up with the point where doctors realized that Boaz and Jachim shared a placenta causing twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS).  In spite of heroic medical efforts, Jachim died before birth but Boaz was saved and is now a healthy toddler.

When Zsuzsanna's last home birth delivery reached transition and the baby's head failed to engage in the pelvis, she realized the danger of a prolapsed cord and transferred to a hospital where she delivered a healthy little boy.

The two of them use modern medicine - but Zsuzsanna has a strong belief in her powers as a natural healer.  I have no problem with people trying home remedies; I do it myself - but I am also aware that certain problems need prompt medical intervention especially when the nervous system, cardiovascular system or respiratory system are involved.

Apparently, Isaac, her second son, had a cough for a few days in the spring when he was 8 followed by wheezing.  His mom took him to an urgent care to be checked out where they diagnosed him with "illness-induced asthma" according to Zsuzsanna.  This is her description of his treatment:

However, it was very mild, so after one breathing treatment right there, he was sent home with an inhaler so use for the next few days until he was completely over his symptoms.

I have a mild case of asthma that is triggered by vigorous exercise, upper respiratory infections, and some chemicals.   I find Zsuzsanna's description of his medical plan on release very odd.  An urgent care would prescribe a rescue inhaler for a kid with pollen-induced asthma - but they would also be very clear that the patient needs to follow up with their primary care provider to create a care plan.  A doctor would probably want him on an anti-allergy drug during the time of year he was exposed to pollen as well as using his rescue inhaler a certain number of times a day.  Equally importantly, the Anderson's would receive additional information about signs of early and late respiratory distress and instructions on how often to use the rescue inhaler for each.

Over the next three years, Isaac gets what his parents assume is a cold that is text-book allergies roughly a week before his birthday.

In 2012,  Isaac gets his yearly cold and his mom realizes that he's allergic to pollen.  She attempts to deal with the issue at home:

So, for the next couple of days, I kept Isaac indoors, and he seemed fine as long as he stayed away from the front door. He kept coughing in the evenings, but there was little to no wheezing, and his eyes were not watery. Still, I insisted on him using his inhaler whenever the coughing started, as well as treating him with herbs that control asthma, and coughing.

Maidens of Virtue: Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten builds on Chapter Nine's theme of "siblings are the only friends worth having" by telling the moralistic story of Lydia.   One day, Lydia sees a group of public school kids bullying a little girl.  Lydia intervenes causing the bullies to scatter and she comforts the little girl by telling her a Bible story.  When Lydia returns home, she tells her mom about the encounter with great indignation - at which point her mother reminds her of how much she hurt her sister's feelings when they fight.  Lydia is overwhelmed with remorse at her cruel ways and apologizes to her sister Jennifer.   Everyone presumably lives happily ever after surrounded by fresh-baked, home-made cinnamon muffins. 

After my first read-through of the book, the only things I remembered about the story were the strange inclusion of ecstasies surrounding the scent and taste cinnamon muffins at random points in the story and that Stacy McDonald managed to write a dead-on (and damn funny) teenage sister - to - sister insult around cooking.

All of the quotes from this chapter are from the conversation between Lydia and her mother; the rest is dross.  The first quote is Lydia and Jennifer's mother deftly turning the conversation away from bullying of a stranger to fighting with a sister:

When we imagine sins of the tongue, we tend to think of gossip, cursing, or lying. What you witnessed today was an example of purposeful verbal nastiness. But sometimes our careless words are just as injurious within our own families - maybe more so. Sometimes the careless remark to a sibling about some physical feature or a hasty joke about a particular habit or personal quirk is harmful.

Do you remember last week when you and your sister, Jennifer, were arguing? She pointed out your unmade bed and lack of diligence in keeping things as neat as you probably should. When your feelings were hurt by her drawn-out rebuke, you said some rather unkind things about her cooking skills. (pg. 97)

Preparing Sons for Single Income: Chapter Four

Chapter Four  - titled "What Does It Take to Make Ends Meet?" - is Steven Maxwell's fleshing out of how life choices affect budgets.   The chapter presents obvious, basic budgeting advice, potentially ruinous financial advice, judgmental condemnations of people he knows and family stories into a fun read.

The first anecdote shames a random couple that Mr. Maxwell knows:

I know young wife, Beth, who acquired a taste for nice jewelry. Tommy, her husband, loves her very much and wants to please her. Guess what Tommy buys Beth? Jewelry - - beautiful, expensive jewelry. Even though Tommy earns a good income, it isn't sufficient to support extravagant purchases. The couple has chosen to rely on credit cards to feed Beth's jewelry appetite, and they have amassed thousands of dollars in high-interest debt. (pg. 39)

Adoption Issues: What Not to Do for ANY Children

I was bumbling around on various home schooling blogs and stumbled upon Melissa Corkum's blog at The Cork Board while learning a bit about the classical method of home schooling.

Despite researching home schooling issues for several years, I'm still surprised at the number of home schooling parents who branch out into questionable choices in international adoption.   

The Corkum family has six kids.  They had two biological children, then adopted "Tee" when he was about 2 years old in 2009.  (Her blog uses names for the kids which I assume are pseudonyms - but since I am unsure - I'm just going to use initials.)  Tee's adoption is a good example of how international adoption can be beneficial.  Melissa was adopted as an infant from Korea - which is where Tee is adopted from - so she has experience of being Asian-American in the USA as well as being adopted.  Tee was the youngest child when adopted in.  It took Tee several years to fully feel comfortable in his new home and he eventually received an additional diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorders (FASD).  Tee seems to have academic struggles - but Melissa is actively involved in creating a classical curriculum that combines weekly planned co-op lessons with reinforcement at home.  IOW, Tee's adoption seems to have worked out well.

By 2011, the family was in a good groove.  At that point, the Corkums decided to adopt again but from Ethiopia instead.  They were open to matching up to three adoptees with no restrictions on gender, relation, or age of the kids.  They were matched with two unrelated kids: a 14-year old boy named "Jay" and a 13-year old girl named "Kay".  On top of being unrelated to each other, Jay and Kay are substantially older than the Corkum's biological children and Tee.  While finalizing Jay's adoption in Ethiopia, the Corkums find out that Jay was being raised with another orphan: 11-year old "Gee". The Corkums decide to adopt Gee to keep Jay and Gee together.   In a post, Melissa mentions obliquely that at that point the adoption agency informed Melissa and her husband that adopting three unrelated teenagers is not recommended - but the adoption of Gee proceeds.

Long story short: Jay and Kay have troubles settling into a home-schooling family that doesn't speak the same language in a foreign country.  Gee struggles even more and eventually needs in-patient treatment.  By 2016, the kids are 18, 17, and 15 and none of them are living with the Corkums.

In 2014, Melissa wrote a post titled "What Not To Do In Older Child Adoption" that lists four mistakes the Corkums made that I feel safe broadening to "Don't Do For ANY Children" based on my years of teaching scads of unaccompanied minors, teenage refugees and kids in foster care kids as well as garden-variety teenagers.

Do not dis your child’s country of origin…ever. Or at least not until they develop a sense of humor. We adore Ethiopia but the truth is that it’s polluted and smoggy with an unmistakable diesel-mixed-with-raw-sewage smell, and they teach weird, backward things in health class. It will not build trust in your child to look incredulously at them when they tell you their health teacher taught them eating ice will give you tonsillitis or that Michael Jackson turned white because he had his skin turned inside out.

Perhaps the parents could focus more on the positives about Ethiopia (and there are a lot) and leave the attitude of American superiority behind.

 I live in a rural area that smells like diesel mixed with either cow manure, pig manure or turkey manure depending on which way the wind blows.  The area I grew up in smelled like gasoline fumes mixed with stale fast-food or industrial machinery depending on which way the wind blew.  The places I like to vacation smell mostly like rotting fresh water plants, dead leaves, and the occasional whiff of animal urine.  It's all about perspective - and what you are used to.

Is it so crazy that eating ice in Ethiopia might cause tonsillitis - or at least one hell of a sore throat?  Let's say the health teacher was completely wrong.  We have people in the US who believe that homeopathy works, taking colloidal silver during pregnancy reduces morning sickness, and that psychological struggles by adopted children can be cured by forced hugging.   Go to a public place in the US and ask 30 people why Michael Jackson's skin turned from brown to white.  How many different answers do you'll think I'd get  and what percentage would be correct?  Plus, these kids spent most of their lives speaking a different language and have only been immersed in English for 20 months at this point.  I can only imagine what kind of a mess I would make if I had to explain how a vaccine works in Amheric or Oromo - even with 20 months immersion.

This next one freaks me out in terms of inappropriate bashing of a teenager:

Do not minimize felt discomfort. We respected their boundaries pretty well for the first 3 months. Then the honeymoon ended and so did my patience. Instead of honoring the fact that eye contact felt weird or that hearing the words “I love you” (even between two other people) were like nails on a chalk board, we verbalized how ridiculous they were acting. We probably should have tried “I wonder why ‘I love you’ makes you so uncomfortable?” (and been okay with a non-answer) when we really said, “That’s unhealthy. What are you going to do when you get married?…Nope, you won’t find a husband that’s okay with never saying those words. No really. Not going to happen. Ever. And that’s why you’re still in therapy, since you asked yesterday.”

First, thirty seconds of imagination should cure people of struggling to understand why it takes a long time for people to change their patterns of eye contact and expressing affection.

• Imagine being transported to a culture where people always look over the left shoulder of the person they are talking to as a sign of respect and looking someone in the eye is a sign of rebellion or disinterest.  I'd be insulting people left and right - and 20 months would barely make a dent in the habit.
• Now, imagine a culture where the accepted affectionate greeting between romantic partners is a deep tongue kiss.  Saliva should be exchanged.  People do this at the store, in church, at home and in front of elderly relatives.  I'm an adult and it would take me at least a year to not have a shocked / vaguely repulsed expression on my face when people played tonsil hockey in front of me.  Teenage me would have been even worse.

Melissa's response to her daughter's repulsion at hearing adults say "I love you" was brutal and callous.   She essentially tells her daughter that she's not marriageable because verbal affection in public bothers her.  Guess what?  There are plenty of cultures where married adults do not exchange romantic or affectionate gestures in public or around other people.  Better that her daughter find someone who can respect her personal boundaries than force herself to be uncomfortable all of her married life.

Her flippant and cruel taunt about therapy was childishly hurtful.  Therapy has saved my life and greatly enriched the lives of many people I know.  I'm sure her daughter is in therapy to deal with issues surrounding the loss of her biological family, the loss of her culture, the trauma of an international adoption, and the stress of living with a family of complete strangers.  That's plenty of issues to work on that are far more serious than not liking public displays of affection.  Melissa needs to get some individual and group therapy herself to learn better skills to control her anger rather than vent on a hurt teenager.  

This next one boggles my mind coming from an experienced, successful home schooling parent:

Do not build expectations based around age. I wish we had established early on that we would make decisions and create expectations around currently exhibited skills. I love the way my friend, Alex, uses language such as, “Your behavior is communicating to me that you don’t feel safe enough or able to (insert something like "make your own food decisions" here). Let me help you this time and we’ll try again another time.” My tendency has been to frustratingly point out that kids their age should be able to follow a 2 step direction or copy a paragraph with minimal mistakes. We’ve also used words like “catch up” and “act like a big girl/boy” and “you SHOULD know that.” Bad ideas…even when your teenager showers with the shower curtain all.the.way open with no rug on the floor because the rug was hanging on the rod which, of course, made the curtain impossible to close.

A real benefit to home schooling that I believe in is that parent-teachers can meet their kids where they are functioning and help them move forward to the next level. Nearly every home schooling parent blog has at least post about how public schools are failing to meet their child exactly where they are at. (Ironically - so does Melissa. It's in reference to one of the adopted kids no less - but that's another blog post.)  When confronted with having to practice that level of adaption her home school, she decides to tell her teens how badly are doing compared to other teens their age to shame them into working harder.  That's unacceptable behavior for a teacher in a public school - and so much more hurtful when the teacher is also your adopted mother.

This last one made me laugh.  Melissa has spent a lot of time around home schooled teens - but maybe not so much the average teenager at home before adopting her teens.

Do not assume anything. The attitude-y body language drives me nuts just like the next mom, but when they totally deny it…ERRRG. I’ve actually come to the conclusion that they are usually completely clueless to how they come across. So all those redos and lectures about such behavior…totally lost and probably caused loads of relational damage since the accused parties honest-to-goodness think they are innocent.

I need to thank my parents again for ignoring and overlooking "attitude" body language.  Teenagers need some way to blow off the emotional energy created by every teen's beliefs that 1) their parents are overbearing and obnoxious, 2) no one understand them, and 3) life will be so much better once they are out of the house.   I'm willing to bet the teens knew that their body language was angry, grumpy, bored or checked-out; those types of body language are pretty universal.  What is equally important is that the parents -and teachers - pick their battles wisely.    I could care less if a student was slouched in their desk or spent the whole hour glaring at me - that's their choice and it's not hurting me or anyone else.

I agree battling over body language was pointless and counter-productive - but mainly because micromanagement of teenagers is a bad idea.

Well, those are the four that I found disconcerting.  The original post has six more issues the Corkums ran into.  Next, I'll look at a post that shows how teachers can say things that are heard very differently by the parents of a student who is having behavior issues at home.

Completely OT - but hey, that's the benefit of blogging - while this is being posted, I'll be at the doctor's office with a screaming 13.5 month old baby who needs 5 injections (two for RSV, one HepB, one MMRV and one polio) for the second month in a row.   Last month was two for RSV, one for HiB, one for HepA, and one for PCV-13.  I'd rather he have the transient pain of a shot than any of these diseases - but damn, I'll be glad when April rolls around and he's back to one or no shots at the doctor's office.

Maidens of Virtue: Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine begins a series of chapters that extol the virtues of loving siblings.  The main drift of "Dwelling in Unity" is that since childhood friendships generally don't last until adulthood young maidens should spend time with their siblings instead.

This is so "modern" and "feminist" of me - but I have good relationships with my siblings and friends who are not family members.  The two are not mutually exclusive. 

Stacy McDonald starts with examples from her life as to why non-sibling friends are a waste of time:

I recall vowing to several different friends in high school that we would never ever lose touch. Even if we moved thousands of miles apart, we would talk on the phone every day and visit each other at least once a year. Guess what --we lost touch. We pursued different interests, vocations, and educational choices. When a maiden weds, she dons her husband's name to signify the "leaving and cleaving" of marriage, and new last names can make it nearly impossible to locate old girlfriends.

The truth is that we probably wouldn't have a thing in common anymore anyways. The memories we made together were frivolous, sometimes sinful, and almost always separate from activities with our own families. Incredibly, many of these memories are slowly fading from my remembrance all together. (pg. 88)

Before the advent of internet and low-cost, high usage cell phones, situations like the first paragraph were more common.  I graduated from high school in 2000 and communicated with high school friends who moved away by email which was much slower than it is now.  I did lose track of some friendships - but I did keep up with friendships that were very important to me.  I remained in contact with my best friend Jessica from when we met in first grade until she died in a car accident at age 29.  Our friendship survived living in different states and different countries.  My mother keeps in contact with a woman who she met 36 years ago while my twin sister and I were in a NICU on the far side of the state.  That's a far longer relationship than the young women who make up the potential audience of this book will have when they graduate home schooling.

Cheap, instant connectivity has completely changed the amount of effort needed to maintain contact with old friends.  Thanks to Facebook, I am more aware of the events in the lives of people I went to high school and elementary school with than I was when we were in school together.   If Stacy McDonald wanted, she could easily search the name of her high school and graduation year and find former classmates.  Yes, she might not instantly know everyone's married name - but lots of women cross-reference their maiden name and a profile picture often jogs a memory of which Amanda, Brandy, or Karen goes with the new name.

Mrs. McDonald implies that she's too holy now to interact with her old friends - but it does open the can of worms of if her old friends would want to associate with her.  Based on some dropped hints in the book, she had a normal fairly carefree teenage life in the 1980's.  She wore jeans,  went to a traditional school, and racked up some "sexual sins" which probably means she dated a guy or two.  Since then, she's gone off the deep end into a fertility cult and has earned her living doing speeches and writing a book slut-shaming everyone who is not like her.    That's not a person I'd want to spend any time with.

The next weird snippet shows that Mrs. McDonald and I have different criteria for a fun game night:

One of my favorite board games is Taboo (TM). I love to play it with the children as a family. Even more, I love to play it when another family is visiting. I especially like to watch my children team up against another sibling group because it is such a wonderful reminder of the way God works unity in families.

You see, the reasons sibling - groups work so well in this game is because to successfully help your teammates guess the correct answer, you must really know each other. The most successful teams have made the same memories together, have shared the same jokes, know the same songs, and recognize each other's expressions. Sometimes while playing, one of the children will need only give a one word clue or even look and the other child immediately guess is the answer correctly. The other group is usually astonished - - unless it's another sibling team that is just as close-knit. I love the fact that my children know each other so well! I pray that it is always so, and I pray that it is so in your family. If it's not, I have good news: it can be! (pg. 89)

Taboo (TM) is a game where a person tries to get the people on their team to guess a word without using 5 or 6 words commonly associated with the target word.  For the word "father", the person can't use the words "family", "man", "parent", "husband" or "work".  There are two ways to win.  The first way is to use verbal fluency and common events to cue teammates to the word.  For "father", I would say something like "When a baby is born, this person can cut the baby's cord."  The other way is to make an inside reference to a shared experience.  In our family, the clue "Dad's favorite outdoor hobby" would elicit the response "trains".  That's the type of "close-knit" expression that Stacy McDonald is talking about.

The problem is that shared experiences with friends don't preclude shared experiences with siblings.  I have a whole bunch of internal references with my family and friends and colleagues. Winning a game of Cranium with the clue "disproved Lamarck" for the word "Darwin"  while at a field station in Puerto Rico didn't destroy my ability to elicit the answer of "mosquitoes" to "the reason the first girl at that camp session we were called the walking wounded had to see the nurse after a night hike" from my sister. 

The fact is, most families today are in trouble. Part of the problem results from rarely being around one another. Group schooling, sports clubs, and church youth groups have all contributed to the fragmentation and breakdown of the family. Simple activities such as eating dinner at the table together are a thing of the past in most families. They all seem to have their own busy and very legitimate sounding activities that keep them apart from those whom God has given them. (pg. 89)

I don't buy that massive home-schooling families have more "together" time than smaller traditionally schooled families.  Stacy McDonald has 10 children. Spending 15 minutes of one-on-one time a day with each kid takes 2.5 hours of time outside of home schooling, cooking, cleaning, writing and the chores involved in keeping small children alive.  Teri Maxwell included her homeschooling schedule for multiple years in the book "Managers of their Schools" where she had one-hour blocks for her three or four school-aged kids once a week to play an educational game with Mom.  I remember this because that's way more time a week with Mom than most home schooled kids in large family gets.   Kimberly at Raising Olives had about 1.5-2 hours a day during the week available for time with her kids outside of school. 

As a teacher, it's hard to get to know someone well while teaching or tutoring - even in small groups.  Oh, you do have bits of small talk every now and again, but both the teacher and the student are busy either working or analyzing the other person's work.    I got to know my students - but mostly by utilizing time before school, after school, during lunch or passing time and while on out-of-school trips.

Why do you think children on sports teams and in youth groups become close friends? They are typically working together towards some sort of goal --winning a game or washing cars to save up for a special event. The same thing happens on mission trips and in dorms. The people we eat, work, sweat, and travail with are those with whom we become close. Why isn't this happening more in families instead of with perfect strangers? (pg. 90)

Working together is helpful to making close friends - but it's not required or a given.  I have had to do lots of group projects during my educational career.  Most group mates become nodding acquaintances; a few became friends and a few became people I avoided like the plague. That's a side of enforced sibling time that CP/QF families don't often discus because not all siblings' relationships are improved by spending a lot of time together.  My dad is one of 8 siblings; he's close with four of them.  The other three tend to be abrasive so they talk monthly about non-confrontational things. 

The last quote recapitulates Mrs. McDonald's theme that good Christian women remain loving and cheerful in the face of nasty treatment by family members:

Remember to create a habit of speaking kindly to your siblings. Even if you've been spoken to harshly, you can respond in gentleness (Proverbs 15: 1). If you have been treated cruelly, remember Paul's call to the elect of God (Colossians 3:12-13). You may find that you have won a brother or diffused an argument before it even starts. You will have also benefited by establishing a wonderful habit of understanding and mercy that will carry over into your marriage and into motherhood. Remember also to forgive just as you wish to be forgiven. (Mark 11: 25-26) (pg. 90)

See, this is especially bad advice in a home schooling family.  Kids who are in traditional schools are surrounded by peers who can choose freely during recess and lunch who they want to be around.  Kids who are angry, rude and cruel tend to learn that their choices of friends are greatly restricted because no one wants to be friends with someone who is mean.  In a home school, your siblings are going to be there tomorrow regardless of how badly a sibling treats them.  When this is combined with the especially toxic theological ideas espoused by ATI and Vision Forum that wronged people need to look at what in their life caused the sin, the set-up is ripe for creating psychopaths.

Next chapter is a saccharine tale of a young woman who learns that she treats her sister badly.  The story is sickly-sweet - but it has some of the funniest and incisive passages in the whole book.

Buying a Home Debt Free: Financial Privilege

One theme I've noticed across CP/QF blogs is a tone-deafness around financial privilege.  Every family has different levels of wealth and income.  Families that have higher levels of assets and income can give their children financial benefits that put the kids into a better starting position than people with fewer assets.  My concern is that many CP/QF voices extol the virtues of hard work and saving without ever tallying up the large amount of wealth that is transferred from one generation to the next.   Without that accounting, people can be overly judgmental about how poorer families "just don't work hard enough" - and I have problems with that attitude.

Steven Maxwell posted a two-part testimonial written by a young man who built his own house when he was engaged at age 19.  I'm glad  that he was able to do that - but the main reason he was able to do so was that he received a lot of direct and indirect transfer of assets from his family and friends.  I'm going to pull out the sections that discuss input from other people and do a rough estimate on the amount of asset transfer that occurred. 

I grew up on a dairy farm. My siblings and I helped on the farm a lot, and Dad paid us by giving us portions from the sales of cows or by giving us calves. I used some of this money to buy beef cattle and thus got more funds. One of my brothers and I also had a lawn mowing business, and I tried never to spend money. I lived at home, used my parents’ vehicles, and didn’t buy myself hip clothing, coffee, or gadgets. I had thousands of dollars in savings by the time I got engaged.

• Depending on how the market is doing, a dairy bull calf runs between $50.00 and $150.00.  
• Beef steers do great on left-over dairy cattle feed so the costs of raising the beef steers was pretty negligible for the kid. 
• A grown cow eats around 30 pounds of hay a day; the steer would start out lower and end up higher because the amount of hay eaten is roughly dependent on body mass.  Assuming the steer needs ~30 pounds of hay a day for 5 months out of the year that grass forage isn't available for the two years it takes to mature him, that's 9,000 pounds of hay.  Round bales of hay vary a lot in weight - but I'll give a generous estimate of 1,000 pounds of hay per bale - so he'd need to buy 9 round bales per steer per year.  The price of hay moves around a lot, but $100.00 a bale is a good average.  
• That's $900.000 over two years in feed.
• I doubt the brothers had to buy their own lawn mower for the business to start with.  A walk-behind gas lawn mower runs between $100-$300 dollars while a riding lawn mower runs between $1,000-$5,000.
• Living at home and using his parents' vehicles means that his parents were willing and able to pay for his food, cleaning supplies, health insurance and automotive insurance plus the amount that utilities increased from him living at home.  (I'm assuming he was purchasing his own clothing and work consumables.)  This amount varies a lot by family and geographic location - but that's probably between $500 - $1500 per month of expenses for his parents.

When I got engaged, it was obvious that we’d need a place to live, and it seemed most sensible to build a house. My grandfather owned a number of pieces of farm land, and he offered to give me the land to build a house on. My grandfather got power put in to the property and set up a submersible pump in the well. He also dug a trench with his backhoe to bury the pipes and main wires to the house.

I've decided I would like his grandfather to be my honorary fairy grandfather - because I would really like having a grandfather that can give that amount of assets to a grand kid!

• If Grandpa was handing him a standard 180 acre Midwestern farm, that's around $1.5 million dollars in assets.  More likely, Grandpa was giving him a lot that was "split" off of an active farm.  Agricultural land runs at between $4,000-$7,000 per acre.  
• The cost of bringing a power line onto a plot of land varies quite a bit from utility to utility - but that's between $1,000 - $6,000.
• The cost of a submersible well pump is between $150 -$300 plus labor.
• Backhoe rental for one day: $300-$500 plus labor.

Dad and Grandpa dug a basement with tractors, and then I rented forms for basement walls from the concrete company so we could set them up ourselves and save hiring labor. We put old scrap metal in the forms instead of buying rebar. The company I bought the cement from also sold me a used concrete septic tank! My dad negotiated a good deal on lumber from a building center. I bought whole pallet loads of OSB and agreed not to return any boards from the loads they delivered. For framing the walls, I bought used boards from a man who was tearing down some old buildings. The boards were rough cut and only had four or five usable feet but they were still solid. We nailed these 4’ 2”x 4”s together to make 12’ 4”x 6” studs which were spaced every two feet.

• Cost of bulldozer rental: $500 dollars per day plus labor.
• Rebar costs ~$0.75 a foot.

Good ideas:

• Using scrap metal instead of rebar if they've got it laying around.
• Cutting a deal on lumber and OSB.

Possibly a good idea:

• Saving labor costs by placing basement wall forms - but there's a trade-off of lost wages that we don't have enough information to determine if it was a good idea.
• Re-purposing used lumber to make studs IF the boards were glued as well as nailed AND the author lost no wage earning time to doing this - or counted it as a hobby. 

Don't buy used septic tanks.  It's not worth it to risk polluting your well when a new concrete septic tank costs between $600 - $1,000.  

I got a used water heater from a neighbor, which is still serving us 10 years later without trouble. I bought windows and a used door from another person. My grandpa procured some interior doors that the company he worked for was getting rid of. Some friends of my wife’s family gave us their used (but working!) washer and dryer. I also got a used fridge and stove. Instead of cabinets, I made shelves from some plywood crates I tore apart but eventually I replaced these with normal cabinets.

• I'm assuming that the word "got" means "bought" - so he probably spent around $50.00 each on the water heater, fridge and stove.   
• The used washing machine and dryer is another $100 dollars saved.  
• A cheap interior door retails for $35-$40 dollars so let's give the doors that Grandpa scored a value of $30.00 a piece.

I traded a calf to a carpenter from our church for a couple days of help, and he loaned me a book on general contracting, which was very helpful. We didn’t have high speed internet then, and I don’t recall googling how to do anything. We did all the plumbing ourselves and the wiring too.

Dude, you massively unpaid your carpenter friend if you traded him a $150.00 calf for two days of work.  That's less than $10.00 per hour if he worked for 16 hours across those two days - which is in the lowest 10% of carpenter's hourly wages in the US.   A fair trade would have been two calves for a weekend's work - or a feeder steer for a week's work.

If the general contracting book was helpful, he should have hired an electrician and a plumber.  There are a lot of projects in a house that can be completed by relatively inexperienced people without health and safety issues; electricity and plumbing are NOT in that category. 

On the other hand, if "we" is short-hand for "Dad and Grandfather who have kept a dairy farm running for x years", they were probably okay.

The week before I headed to my wedding, some friends from a few hours away drove up and helped finish mudding and painting the drywall on the main floor. The second story had no inside walls framed yet and no insulation in the roof so we lived on the first floor for a while. When I was gone on my honeymoon, my family laid some flooring and finished getting things livable. The house was only covered with house wrap, but a couple years later I put on siding.

That's a lot of labor costs saved by friends and family. 

I grew up in an older suburb of a medium sized Midwestern town.  There's no way a person could get away with having only house wrap on the outside of a house for years in a more population dense area.  People do not take kindly to having an eyesore like that dragging down property values.  Likewise, I've enjoyed mentally following all the same things that Amos' family has done at my parents' house.  We'd have had the cops called when there were cows, when someone started running excavation equipment out back and especially we started building an entire house my parent's 1/4th an acre of land. 

Why does this matter?  Most CP/QF families don't have the amount of assets available to a multi-generation dairy farm family.  Most CP/QF families don't have fathers who worked as electrical engineers.  Most CP/QF families are raising large families on (ideally) the income of the father alone - but the anti-intellectualism of CP/QF greatly limits the potential income of the men. 

Amos and his family did nothing wrong or anything immoral - but they are not the average CP/QF adherent.

Preparing Sons for Single Income: Chapter Three

The title of this chapter is "What is his REAL earning potential?" - but an equally valid title is "Find out what Steven Maxwell REALLY thought about his co-workers - and how greatly God favors him!"

The gist of the chapter is that a son's earning potential is mainly affected by his view of work, his character, his willingness to learn, God's Blessing and God's Discipline.  A hard-working, ethical, eager man will make more money than a lazy, cheating, dullard will - unless the eager beaver is being punished by God.

Since three sentences do not make a chapter, the rest of the section is fattened out with anecdotes about co-workers Steven Maxwell disliked and vignettes from his life.  To keep readers' eyes on the final prize - and shove some more humble-brag down their throats - the chapter begins with a reminder of how great Nathan is:

Who would have ever believed that a young home school graduate might make as much money as his college degreed father? Who might guess that the same son would be paid to write an instructor's manual for college professors teaching computer security? This is exactly what happened in our family! (pg. 29)

Nathan has had a remarkable career trajectory, but we don't need to be reminded of it every chapter.  Nathan did successfully write a book about computer security - but that was a one-shot deal.

I've noticed an interesting paradox in the Maxwell Family writings.  Steven Maxwell is extremely against college education for his children - but he brings up his college degree frequently and brags about Nathan making money by writing a college textbook.  No matter how far he's turned away from advanced degrees for his offspring, he continues to use the prestige of colleges to showcase his family's achievements.

The next anecdote is where Mr. Maxwell shares his dislike of a former co-worker named "Jerry".  Hopefully, that's a pseudonym.

When I worked for Boeing, Jerry was on my team. He was close to 60 years old and held a four-year engineering degree. Jerry was a genius. Unfortunately, no one wanted him on their team, as the man would not complete a task. Normal, mundane work was an incredible bore to him because he had a multitude of side interest that were always more important than his work. As a result of his poor work habits, Jerry only received token wage increases. He viewed work as a necessary evil to be put up with in order to receive a paycheck. His check was a ticket to the toys that made his life worth living.

At one point, it sounded like Jerry was going to be fired. However, as a last-ditch effort, Boeing transferred him to a job that involves solving problems for production lines. Finally, they found a job that interest Jerry enough to keep him motivated. As a result, Jerry and everyone around him were happier. If Jerry had viewed work is a gift from God and something to be greatly prized, he wouldn't have come so close to being fired. Plus, he would have been receiving pay increases through the years like others. (pg. 30)

How close did Jerry really come to being fired?  If he was as completely useless as Mr. Maxwell portrays him, I highly doubt he would have been employed for Boeing for any period of time.  I'm also curious how Mr. Maxwell knows all this information about Jerry.  Was Jerry a coworker on equal footing - and the gossip mill kept everyone up-to-date - or was Jerry Mr. Maxwell's subordinate?  The fact that Mr. Maxwell knows that Jerry received "only token" raises is a bit strange if they are coworkers.  How embarrassing would it be professionally if a worker who has been branded as unenthusiastic and problematic under Maxwell turned into a shining star in a different department?

Most likely, though, Steve Maxwell and Jerry were coworkers.  In that case, Jerry's biggest sin in the eyes of Maxwell is that he had the audacity to have enjoyable hobbies outside of work.  On page 44, Jerry's hobby purchases include "rifles, pistols, cameras, metal working machines and amateur radio equipment".   Later in the book, Mr. Maxwell discusses some of the hobbies that he's renounced over the years and at least one is more expensive than any of the items that Jerry bought.   On a side note, a skilled metal worker with engineering background may well have a side career making specialized parts for custom orders.  Which makes me wonder again - is Jerry's sin sloth - or making money in an enjoyable fashion without "God's Blessing"?

Men who are diligent, honest, resourceful, dependable, and responsible workers will do well. These days there are so few such people in our society that employers are hungry for them. From talking with several employers, I have learned that character is often more important than skills and qualifications. Employers are willing to train a person who has good character as long as certification and degrees aren't a mandatory requirement for the job (for example, an engineering job). (pg. 31)

I love that qualifier of "excluding jobs that require degrees and certifications" attached at the end of an ode to the importance of character.  Let's see, that caveat includes all but the lowest levels of medicine, education, law, engineering, social work, most professional ministry positions,  and science/technology jobs.  Jobs that do fit that criteria include food service, hospitality, entry agricultural jobs, customer service jobs, and janitorial work.   For men who are planning to be a single-income breadwinner for a large family, the careers that require degrees or certifications have a larger income as well as more constant availability of jobs. 

Eddie had worked with Tommy for about a year. Eddie was aware that Tommy fraudulently recorded his time on the job, and later Eddie had to confront Tommy on some other ethical issues. Eddie naturally assume that Tommy would have some hard feelings towards him after the confrontation. Tommy ended up leaving the company and going to work somewhere else. Months later, Eddie was totally amazed to receive a job offer from the new company for which Tommy was working. Even more surprising was the story behind the offer. Tommy's new boss asked him to recommend a person who the boss to be able to trust explicitly. The job would involves sensitive computer security, and ethics were a great concern. Tommy told the boss that he could wholeheartedly recommend Eddie as that person! (pg. 31)

I'm willing to bet one Whopper Junior that "Eddie" is actually Nathan Maxwell - and that the actual situation was completely different than reported here. 

My assumption that Eddie is Nathan Maxwell is based on the fact that Eddie's career revolves around computer security. 

For the rest of the story - none of it matches good business principles.  Eddie's not describe directly as Tommy's boss so I don't understand why Eddie would have to confront Tommy about ethical issues; generally, co-workers report job performance issues or crime including time fraud to their supervisors.  Confronting a co-worker about ethical lapses is treading on thin ice; that's moving close to harassment if the accusing person is wrong and shows questionable judgement in failing to report the issue to an actual manger if the accused person is doing something actionable.  Tommy heads off to a different company and offers up Eddie's name as a good hire for someone who is highly ethical.  I suppose that is possible - few things are truly impossible - but that doesn't mean it is prudent for Eddie to take that job.  In this situation, Tommy is BAD NEWS.  He's shown previously that he's okay with time fraud and some other workplace issues - and now Eddie is connected with him because Tommy recommended him for a job.   All of this is assuming that Tommy is acting in somewhat good faith - Eddie might be being set up as a fall guy for the next scheme that Tommy's running. 

I'm often skeptical as hell - but I bounced this story off of a lot of friends and colleagues; there was universal agreement that Eddie should run away from that job offer as fast as possible.

This next section was memorable for me because Steven Maxwell was trying to make his new home business sound like a major risk:

After 20 years of corporate engineering work, I came home to start a family business. It was an agonizing decision because I wanted to be certain it was God's will. As much as I desired to work from our home, I was scared to do it if it wasn't God's explicit will for my life. When I was confident it was His will, I came home. At first I only had a vague idea of what I might do. I felt God was leading me to sell printing and computer forms. Christopher, who was 18 at the time, was going to work with me.

We knew absolutely nothing about selling computer forms and printed materials, yet God led and blessed us as we went. The Lord provided a friend in the same line of work who is living in another city and was willing to give us some ideas about starting a print brokering business. He also provided us with a list of companies that did wholesale printing for him, something of great value to us. Then we were on our own and probably should have failed miserably. We have no training, no experience, and no skill, but God blessed mightily by bringing work. We have now been in business four years. There have been many changes since we began. We experience times without abundance, but our God has met every need. What a wonderful testimony to God's faithfulness! Yet, if we believe his word, it should not be surprising at all. (pg. 33)

Starting a new business takes guts - but not all new businesses are equally risky.  Steven Maxwell did plenty of good preparatory work by talking with someone in the same field who wasn't a direct competitor.  He also had a deep network of contacts from his years of corporate work and could tap into Nathan's budding contact network as well.   The fact that the company that employed him had reduced its workforce by 75% in two years could potentially be beneficial to the new business as well since the movement of coworkers to different companies would increase the number of companies that he had contacts in.

I find his attempts to argue that they were untrained, inexperienced and unskilled disingenuous.  He was not a Daisy Scout selling cookies for the first time; he was a mature, experienced businessman with previous job experience in marketing, sales, and engineering.  That doesn't guarantee that the business will succeed - but it reduces the risk of failure greatly.  He also had a huge benefit in that he had a young adult son who was willing and able to work with him as well as Sarah who was scheduled time to do projects for his company as she got older.

Finally, the relative risk of the times where the business wasn't making money isn't the same for all families.  Maxwell had been working in the corporate world for 20 years and as an electrical engineer should have been making above average yearly salary.  Yes, raising eight kids is expensive - but I've had extended family who raised larger families on much smaller incomes.  By the time Maxwell started his first business, he most likely owned a home, owned one or more cars, and had most of the clothing/home goods as well as home schooling materials for his family.  Compare that with a CP/QF couple who are in their mid-20's with two small children and a third on the way;  a time where the business fails to support the family is much, much harder.

In 1985, we moved to Washington so I could become a salesman for my company. My previous job had been at the company's headquarters doing marketing, but I wanted a sales position because the money was far better. However, after a year of hard work, everything that could go wrong had! I began calling out to the Lord to show me what was wrong. Out of the blue, a vivid memory popped into my mind. It was of the test I took to qualify for the sales position. This test was designed to compare my personality with the profile of the company's top salesmen. I recalled asking myself, as I completed that test, how the ace salesman would answer each question. Then I would write that answer down. It never occurred to me that I was being dishonest and, in effect, cheating.

My heart sank at the realization that I, as a child of God, had lied on a test. I felt awful and ask the Lord to forgive me. I knew that I needed to resign, because I had obtained the job deceitfully. Immediately I began looking for another job, but God soon convinced me that I needed to quit my sales position first. I definitely did not like the idea of being without a job but knew that I had to obey and told my manager that I had to quit. It brings tears to my eyes as I remember her looking at me and saying I could take two full weeks with pay to look for a job. I didn't even need to come into work! I was flooded with such incredible joy and knew in my heart that I was back under God's provision. Within a short time, I was employed by Boeing and again experiencing God's blessing in my vocation. (pgs. 34-35)

Well, I guess blaming "God's punishment" for lying is one view of the story.  My view is slightly different.  Lying on a personality test is a bad idea; the company thinks that certain personality traits make good salespeople and apparently Maxwell didn't have those traits naturally.  Having said that, Maxwell was going into the new position with his eyes open; the company gave him a test that laid out what skills make conventionally good salesmen.   The net outcome was that Steven Maxwell was a poor salesman - regardless of how God felt about the situation.  To me, blaming God for the natural consequence of a series of poor career choices is immature and childish.

Likewise, "God's blessing" of his manager allowing him two weeks of paid time to look for another position reads a bit differently for me.  The details of his position are missing, but most sales positions have a combination of salary and commissions as income.  For a skilled salesperson, the ability to earn commissions greatly increases their income; for an average to middling salesperson, the total income is around average for a person of their educational level.  A poor salesperson has little income - and is a financial burden to their company if they are not making enough sales to cover their salary.  Presumably, his manager was under pressure to keep sales up and costs down.  If a weak salesperson came to her and offered to quit, covering two weeks salary to encourage them to find another job is a winning proposition for the company.

The last oddity that I've noticed about the Maxwell family is that many of their financial and in-kind benefactors over the years have not been described as saved Christians.  The simple fact that his manager was a woman contradicts CP/QF teachings that all women should live at home under their parents until marriage and then raise a flock of little ones at home.  With the exception of Titus 2 Ministries and portions of Christopher Maxwell's photography business, the Maxwells work in secular industries.  One foray into online technology education that was geared toward helping home schooled, Christian students study for technology certifications failed miserably; combining test prep with an exhortation of how exactly to be saved would send most potential clients running. 

Economics is one of the structural issues that I am not sure how CP/QF society is going to manage.  Adherents are asked to separate themselves from non-believers except for when they are converting them so that leads to businesses that serve other CP/QF members.  The problem is that CP/QF theology rejects most advanced forms of education while advocating very large families which greatly limits the amount of money available for commerce.  I don't see how that's going to work out - but human creativity is endless.

Homeschooling Badly: We don't give grades in our school!

Sorry I'm running a bit late this week.  The baby is working on erupting two or three top incisors, the wild swings in temperature/pressure are wreaking havoc with my migraines and I keep breaking out in eczema patches.  Plus, it's January so the wonderful break I had for nearly of month of no doctor's visits for the baby is over.

I've been upfront about the fact that I am a traditionally schooled pre K - 12 graduate who jumped into a traditional college and then went back to the trenches of 9-12 education as a teacher.  From that perspective, I'm going to lay out why parent-teachers need to figure out a way to give coherent and comprehensive grades to their students by the end of elementary school at the latest.

I'm going to expound on two reasons that home-schooling parents opt-out of grading their kids for conscious or unconscious reasons.   Grading is a tricky task that requires a lot of practice.  Teachers have to create grading criteria - and that's not as simple as it seems.   The easiest set-up I can think of would be a text-book based system like the Maxwell Family uses.  Even there, the parent-teacher has to make some choices.  Do the classwork assignments count toward the final grade?  How about quizzes?  Are different categories of assignments weighted differently?  Grading independent study or project-based learning courses is even harder.   What does an "A" assignment look like in creative writing or paleontology or mandolin lessons compared to a "B" or a "C"?

The first issue can be overcome when parent-teachers learn how to pre-determine what each grade category looks like for each course.  I don't have a good solution for the second issue because grading your own child accurately is so much harder than grading a random student.  When I taught, I felt bad when a student failed my class - but I also had at least 80 other students who had passed that exact same class so student failures didn't feel like a personal reflection on my teaching. By comparison, when my son has a slight delay in his gross motor, fine motor or speech skills, I feel like I've failed somehow as a parent.  The feeling passes quickly - but the feeling alone is an intense enough experience that I know that Jack's better off having an unrelated professional determine his "Ages and Stages" skill level.  Even with my teaching experience, I would be tempted to justify passing him in skills - mainly by giving him points for other skills - to avoid feeling bad.

Why do we grade students?  Grading students describes their performance against an age-appropriate standard, helps students learn how much procrastination they can get away with, and gives students practice with managing emotional responses to negative outcomes.

In a traditional school, students are surrounded by peers within a few years of age of them.  Students generally get a feel for how they compare to their peers within each subject simply by comparing how much effort it takes and by seeing what grades other students get.  When a student transferred into our school from another district, students were pretty accurate in their personal assessment of their skills in language arts, science, math and social studies.  Students who transferred in from home schooling were a more mixed bag.  Some students were very aware of which areas they had received little or no instruction in; other students believed that they were above average in a subject - but after testing and placement in a class it became clear that the student was working at markedly below grade level.    Why is this important?  Throughout life, people need to be able to assess their strengths and weaknesses compared to other people in their lives.  As a teacher, I was middling-to-average at dealing with chronically angry students while above average in working with severely anxious students.  When I had a chronically angry student, I would get support and tips from the teacher across the hall who was great with that student group - and I'd give her support and tips when dealing with anxious students.

Grading helps students learn time-management skills.  For traditionally schooled students, the number of subjects they take in a day increases markedly from early elementary through junior high.  As the number of classes scale upward, the students learn how to deal with conflicts like a project due the day after a math exam.  Students learn the benefits of planning ahead and working at a pace that works for them.  On the flip side, students learn about the drawbacks of finishing a paper at 2AM and being exhausted the next day.  Chronic procrastination makes it much more difficult for students to earn "A" grades; few students can complete a high-school level project at the level of required difficulty if they don't start the project until the night before.

Finally, grading helps students learn how to manage the disappointment that comes from a poor grade - which I'll define as any grade lower than the one they wanted to get.   That feeling of disappointment is intense and students learn how to release that emotion and continue moving towards a goal.  After all, the vast majority of jobs involve periodic reviews by supervisors and some reviews include times where the supervisor gives the person a lower review than the person thought they were going to get.  That sucks - but knowing how to manage negative feelings helps the person to move away from the feelings and into planning on how to improve their performance.

Maidens of Virtue: Chapter Eight

I found this chapter contained some of the most repugnant views of the whole book.  Mrs. McDonald makes her inability to separate physical issues from spiritual issues abundantly clear for the whole world to see.

The chapter is titled "The Bath" and is superficially about how much Stacy McDonald loves a good bath - complete with lots of scented lotions, perfumes and bath soaps.   Personally, the descriptions make me itch vicariously since I have dry skin that is highly reactive to most scented products, but I don't begrudge anyone a bubble bath if they enjoy it.

The problem comes when it becomes clear that Stacy McDonald assumes that physical cleanliness is a sign of spiritual health - and that poor hygiene is due primarily to sin.

My husband and I once attended church with a man who had a truly offensive body odor. He came to church and filthy clothes, greasy hair, and he smelled... bad. You could see the pained expression on the faces of the poor souls who are stuck sitting beside him during service.

We knew him personally, and he was neither handicapped nor poor (though soap and water are fairly cheap). In fact, other than his grooming habits, he seem to be a fairly strong Christian. Unfortunately, he earned a reputation for not being very pleasant to be around, simply because of his apparent refusal to take care of his physical body. I always wondered what it would have been like to see him with a decent haircut, clean clothes, and without the fog of two-week-old perspiration engulfing his body. (pg. 80)

The difference in morality between how I was raised and how CP/QF doyennes live boggles my mind.  My parents expected a certain level of rebellion in us kids; moaning and groaning about being dragged to church at an ungodly hour of the morning irritated my parents - but it wasn't the end of the world.  Having a "pained expression" because of the body odor of an unfortunate soul at church would have brought an immediate reprimand to "stop that now!" followed by a scolding about not being rude to people who are struggling.   A major theme in my family's morality is "Don't kick someone when they are down.  People deserve respect - and people who are struggling or oppressed deserve more respect, not less."  We learned to control our facial expressions and urges to stare as children and pre-teens; pulling that kind of shit as a teenager or an adult was unconscionable.

Stacy McDonald - who is currently a pastor's wife - apparently couldn't take the step of behaving like a Christian.  She knew he needed a haircut, clean clothes and hygiene products.  Maybe he struggled with depression.  Maybe he wasn't as well-off as she thought.  Perhaps he had a mild cognitive impairment or a physical issue that interfered with his ability to care for himself.  I have to speculate on what he was struggling with because Mrs. McDonald couldn't be bothered to ask him herself in a spirit of helping another human being. 

I have also known married women who attend church or social gatherings with dirty, unkempt hair, a disheveled appearance, and no apparent attempt to look or smell nice for their husbands. They most likely developed poor grooming habits as young maidens and failed to honor their family or others by paying attention to their outward appearance. (pg. 80)

I have no idea what percentage of women at my church have messy hair.  My parents would have killed me if I had been spending time at Mass judging the appearance of other people.  To be clear, my parents could care less if I had day-dreamed my way through a Mass - but they would have been horrified if they raised a child who sat around judging people at church. 

On an unrelated note, the fact that Stacy McDonald knows -and judges - how other women smell is creepy as hell.   Judging people's looks is catty, childish, and unchristian,  but at least it can be done from a safe distance.  Was she wandering around sniffing people during church or at the social afterwards?  Either way - gross.

James 2:1-4 warns us of our sinful tendency towards partiality of those who are richer, dress nicer, are more beautiful, smarter, or have higher rank in society. We are not to be respecters of persons. Scripture teaches us to treat others the way we wish to be treated, to love our neighbors as ourselves, and to prefer others over ourselves (Romans 12:10). Grooming ourselves, cleansing our bodies, and presenting ourselves to others in a comely way, is all part of loving your neighbor as well as glorifying God (pg. 81)

*blinks*

Look, proper gas-lighting requires some preparatory work or at least a coherent transition; when an author half-asses it, it all falls apart.   

James 2:1-4 states that Christians shouldn't favor rich, well-clothed people over poor people in dirty clothes.  It's the best rebuttal to the previous quote that I've ever seen.  Romans 12:10 is about how Christians should strive to show love and honor to others; it's the polar opposite of how her church reacted to her "friend" who was struggling.   The sentence that begins "Grooming ourselves, ...." is a non-sequitur that reflects Stacy McDonald's personal obsession with hygiene as a sign of Christianity.   

Can't have a CP/QF book without some humble-brag:

For as long as I can remember, my mother enjoyed taking hot baths in the evenings. I have tried to follow her example and take some time in the evening for quiet retreat with scented bubbles or bath salts. Sometimes I simply use a few drops of various essential oils. As my precious husband and children bless me on birthdays and Mother's Day with special gifts, I indulge the use of scented bath powders and light perfumes.

Aside for my regular morning shower, I admit I don't always have time for more than a quick sponge bath and fluff of scented powder at night. But when it's possible, not only is a nice bath a relaxing treat for me, it is a blessing to my husband and children as well. When my husband retires for the night, he is greeted with the smell of lavender, rose, sandalwood, or ylang ylang! (pg. 82)

*sings*  "Money, money, mon-ney!  Money! Money, money mon-ney!  Money!" *stops singing*

"Soap and water" might be cheap - but essential oils, scented bubble bath, scented bath salts, scented bath powders and perfumes add up quickly.

If I followed that regimen, my husband would be greeted by the scent of lavender, the sight of a wife attempting to claw off her own skin, and the sound of pitiful whining as I thrashed around on the bed trying to get the itching to stop.  Two deep soakings a day plus lathering myself with scented stuff would give me systematic eczema severe enough to require oral steroids in .... oh..... let's say  two weeks in the summer and one week during the winter.

But - you know - it's really a blessing for my husband and son to have a raw, oozing itchy wife and mother.

Just in case the girls who read this haven't been brainwashed enough yet, we have the "Share Your Heart Section"

Discuss ways that physical cleanliness can be an outward sign of inward purity. (pg. 83)

I think  Matthew 23:27  made the connection the most clear: "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites!  For you are like whitewashed tombs, which on the outside look beautiful, but inside they are fill of the bones of the dead and of all kinds of filth."   Amazing how many Gospel verses directly contradict CP/QF teachings, isn't it?  I know I always find it heartening.

What are some common sins that could cause someone's neglect habits of cleanliness or good grooming, including regular hair washing and brushing, dental hygiene, and the washing or maintenance of her clothing? (pg. 84)

Let's see. The main reasons I can think of that people neglect personal hygiene include severe illness, disabilities, poverty and depression - but none of those are sins.  Right, Mrs. McDonald? 

Side note: I wonder what she would have said about me if she had seen me the day my son was born.  I looked terrible - oily, disheveled hair, dark circles around my swollen eyes, no make-up, and a ratty cardigan thrown over a hospital gown.  I know I smelled odd if not outright bad; I hadn't been able to shower in 72 hours and had been sweating like a stuck pig.  I'm sure that all the deodorant in the world can't quite cover that.    Of course, most human beings would have realized that I was severely ill, recovering from surgery, attached to an IV, and visibly exhausted and felt some compassion for me.   It was all for the best that I was surrounded by caring professionals - rather than a severely judgmental pastor's wife.