I hate how cynical this sounds - but a lot of CP/QF courtship stories sound far more painful than enjoyable.
The majority of the chapter covers the steps from meeting an interesting guy through marriage.
Observe
As the Lord brings someone into your path who is of interest to you, your first step is not to show interest or get excited about him, but just to observe. It's good when parents can help with this too. What are his goals? Does he know the Lord? Is there ministry or spiritual fruit in his life? Is he committed to the word of God? How did he treat his mother and sisters?" (pg. 229)
As the Lord brings someone into your path who is of interest to you, your first step is not to show interest or get excited about him, but just to observe. It's good when parents can help with this too. What are his goals? Does he know the Lord? Is there ministry or spiritual fruit in his life? Is he committed to the word of God? How did he treat his mother and sisters?" (pg. 229)
This phase seems to be at cross-purposes. Girls aren't supposed to give pieces of their hearts away (whatever that means) but following these directions will lead to far more wasted time and energy as the girls -and their parents(!) - try to assemble a dossier on a young man before figuring out if he's available let alone interested in the girl.
Heck, even thinking through the advice shows a few gaping holes. Trying to get answers to a half-a-dozen personal questions will make a girl's interest in a guy extremely clear and obvious to anyone who is watching. Adding parents to the mix will increase the level of awkwardness without adding much important information especially when the girl and guy are simply trying to get to know each other.
IMHO, there are a lot of far more important questions that need to be answered before moving into a more romantic relationship like:
- Am I in a good place for a relationship right now?
- Is the other person available for a relationship right now?
- Am I attracted to this person?
- Do we have interests in common?
- Does this person treat all people respectfully- like wait staff at restaurants or that irritating teen at church?
An adult who is ready for a romantic relationship should be able to get the answers to these questions through their own observations, through interactions with the person they are interested in or from mutual friends. Consider it good practice for forming adult networking skills.
According to Ms. Mally, once a person has moved beyond observing, they can become casual friends.
"Acquainted as Casual Friends
If God desires to bring two people together, he will give opportunities for them to get to know each other in natural settings --at church, school, work, homes of friends, conferences, camps, Christian organizations, ministry projects, or in one of God's other creative matchmaking situations.
You do not need to date in order to get to know another person. You actually learn more about an individual by seeing him in real life situations. Anybody can act mature, romantic, and considerate on a date. But how does he live in everyday life? How does he interact with people? How does he respond to various stresses and pressures?" (pg. 229)
I agree with Ms. Mally that many, many people will meet marriage partners through work, school, church or social activities. If God desires to bring two people together, he will give opportunities for them to get to know each other in natural settings --at church, school, work, homes of friends, conferences, camps, Christian organizations, ministry projects, or in one of God's other creative matchmaking situations.
You do not need to date in order to get to know another person. You actually learn more about an individual by seeing him in real life situations. Anybody can act mature, romantic, and considerate on a date. But how does he live in everyday life? How does he interact with people? How does he respond to various stresses and pressures?" (pg. 229)
I don't understand how that helps a homeschooled young woman who is a stay-at-home daughter of large family with limited means that home churches or is a member of a small congregation. She can't meet new guys at friends' houses if she already knows the entire congregation. Ministry opportunities will bring her into contact with those same people. Going to camps, conferences and belonging to many Christian organizations costs money that she doesn't have access to. That at least partially explains why so many CP/QF families have unmarried daughters who are over 30 in a culture that idolizes early marriages.
The second paragraph of the quote demonstrates the fundamental misunderstanding of dating that Emo-Pure writers have. There is a world of difference between "going on a date" and "dating".
Yes, most people can handle being romantic for at least an hour or two on a date - but keeping up a false front is tiring and most people will have their real personality come through. That's why a person can gain as much information by watching how their date behaves towards others on a date - the wait staff, the crabby toddler at a nearby booth, or a rowdy bunch of teenagers.
Dating, though, transitions from the early days of solely romantic dates to longer periods of time spent together in a wide variety of settings including family and work events.
Actually, this entire discussion about dating is a moot point. Casual friends exist in wider US society because men and women can be friends without becoming romantically involved.
Young Man Takes Initiative
When the young man (or a young man's father) expresses interest, a new phase of the adventures suddenly begins. Interest has been specifically expressed! Now what?
It is at this point that parents (and/or other godly mentors) can play a key role in screening and protecting our emotions. If parents take the time to get to know a young man first, ask the many important questions, find out where he is spiritually, and discuss how your life goals fit together, think of how much parents can determine before we get too emotionally involved. This is a tremendous safeguard for us! I'm not talking about an "arranged"marriage. I'm talking about using common sense to avoid mistakes, pain, and heartaches. My parents understand how I think, and they know what I'm looking for in a spouse. I trust them. I trust God to give directions through them. If my parents have "checked out" a guy first, I will feel a whole lot safer in pursuing the serious matter. (pg. 230)
When the young man (or a young man's father) expresses interest, a new phase of the adventures suddenly begins. Interest has been specifically expressed! Now what?
It is at this point that parents (and/or other godly mentors) can play a key role in screening and protecting our emotions. If parents take the time to get to know a young man first, ask the many important questions, find out where he is spiritually, and discuss how your life goals fit together, think of how much parents can determine before we get too emotionally involved. This is a tremendous safeguard for us! I'm not talking about an "arranged"marriage. I'm talking about using common sense to avoid mistakes, pain, and heartaches. My parents understand how I think, and they know what I'm looking for in a spouse. I trust them. I trust God to give directions through them. If my parents have "checked out" a guy first, I will feel a whole lot safer in pursuing the serious matter. (pg. 230)
The first paragraph brought a basic truth home to me. In spite of Ms. Mally's protests to the contrary, this courtship model could be an arranged marriage. A guy - or his father (!) - could be observing and becoming casual friends with a young lady's parents instead of the young lady. Honestly, sucking up to the parental units may well be more effective than winning the heart of the young woman.
The second paragraph brings home how passive a young woman is supposed to be in courtship. She's allowed to notice a guy exists and learn some basic facts about him. Everything else is taken care of by her parents.
The phrase "ask the many important questions" reminded me of the McDonalds' three hundred questions to ask potential suitors. Whenever I need a laugh, I go to that list and throw a few of them at my husband. I love how suitors are allowed to refrain from answering any questions that are too personal - but no one seems to question how creepy having the parents of a girl you want to date ask about a guy's exposure to porn including the extent and circumstance is....
I think I've figured this out: courtship isn't meant to make marriages; it's meant to scare off any potential suitors.
We are about halfway through the list; we'll cover the remainder in the next post.
"If my parents have "checked out" a guy first, I will feel a whole lot safer in pursuing the serious matter." Once again, I feel terribly sad for this woman. She´s obviously terrified of the world and convinced she can only be safe in the cage her oppressive dad built for her.
ReplyDeleteMe too - along with many of the CP/QF daughters.
DeleteFor several years, I didn't sign up for internet dating because I was afraid that I would meet a bad/dangerous guy who would want to hurt me somehow.
Then I realized that most women who were in bad relationships met the guy in "safe" places like through friends, at work, at school or at church.
I decided that I needed to keep myself safe by watching new guys for red flags - not avoiding new guys or by letting someone else watch for red flags.
IOW, I took responsibility for my own life.
I guess I'm sort of curious how many suitors have actually gotten to the "serious" stage for her. I know it's not my business, but I'm just wondering exactly how much of all this is completely hypothetical for her and how much she's actually walked through.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny that she has to insist that it isn't an arranged marriage (probably because that's something Muslims and Hindus do). Although in a funny way she is right, an arranged marriage implies someone is doing the arranging, rather that just waiting for an eligible bachelor to show up.
ReplyDeleteThat is a truth - CP/QF marriages seem to be based on hoping the right guy appears out of nowhere rather than a concerted effort on the part of the parents to find marriage partners for their children.
DeleteI think that's one of the larger systemic flaws in the courtship model for CP/QF. Men are supposed to be looking for women - but women aren't supposed to be showing any signs of being available - and parents aren't supposed to take matters in their own hands.
I find this obsessive need to avoid experiencing mistakes or heartache incredibly weird. While no one enjoys heartache or making mistakes (publicly or privately) both of those are experiences that help us grow as humans.
ReplyDeleteAnother point they seem to miss is that dating helps you learn what you are and what you aren't looking for in a relationship. By getting to know someone else, we also get to know ourselves.
And finally, our first relationships are practice for a long-term relationship. We learn how to resolve conflict and how to accomodate another person's needs without losing ourselves. This avoidance of any interaction with the other sex must be crippling for these people.
I agree. There is an unhealthy assumption that a romantic heartbreak is SO severe that it is crippling for the rest of a person's life. Honestly, people have survived much worse losses.
Delete