Before You Meet Prince Charming: Epilogue - Part Two

We've reached the shining pinnacle of "Before You Meet Prince Charming" - Sir Valiant and the Princess are safely married and are allowed to have an emotional and sexual relationship.

That would be less concerning if they had a platonic relationship prior to engagement and marriage.  Heck, I'd feel better if I knew that they knew each other better than they know the cashier at the local grocery store.

This is most of the conversation.  I cut out a few sections where Valiant and Princess cattily bash the Alligator.  The Alligator is interesting and incisive; the model humans are not.

The moon was bright and a cool breeze kissed the cheeks of the princess and Sir Valiant as they sat talking in the Royal Garden. They had just arrived home from their honeymoon and although they were a little worn out from the trip, they were as excited as ever. It was a peaceful evening, with no noise but the crickets chirping and the leaves rustling in the wind. (pg. 245)

The idyllic setting of this allegory has gone from bland to infuriating.  Marrying the "right" man doesn't affect atmospheric conditions forever.   There will be heavy rains, wet snow, hail and blistering heat as well as charming summer evenings.

As with the expectation of unbelievably mild weather, the allegory is setting girls in courtship, engagement and newly married life up for failure when the girls find that never-ending joy and excitement is impossible to achieve.   

When I was dating my husband, I had moments when I was nervous.  Was I missing red flags?  Was I ready to get married? Will he be a good husband?  Will I be a good wife?  The longer we had been dating and the more I was around my husband, the more confident I felt.  He is a good man.  We enjoy each other's company.  We have similar goals for money, standard of living, size of family, role of religion in our home etc.  We both work hard and know how to maintain long-term relationships.

I hated being an engaged couple; planning a wedding added an insane amount of work to my life when I was already working full-time as a teacher, part-time as a tutor, and dating someone who lived 30 minutes away.   I had an apartment lease that I couldn't get out of without paying all of the rent due for the remainder of the lease and losing my security deposit - even if I found a new tenant.  My husband had to deal with the insane requests of his family who wanted to use our wedding as a business party for the family farm with their estimated guest list of 300-400 relatives, neighbors and contractors...at a wedding my parents were paying for.   Our motto quickly became "the wedding is what we have to do to be married."  Why didn't we elope?  Better to face life's insanity straight on - including wedding planning - than running away.

And the fun of being newly married!  Our honeymoon period started about a year after we were married.  My best friend died in a car accident the day before the wedding so we were in mourning for the first year of our marriage.  The second year was much more normal - but we still had the natural friction of two opinionated people living in one house.  I wanted my husband to stop eating in our bedroom.  He's allergic to scented cleaning products and candles.  My idea of a clean kitchen and his are totally different.    I felt like we spent most of that year talking about the nitty-gritty details of running a home.  It was good practice; we've had to talk most of it out again since we added Jack.

Complaining about realism in the newly married section may be a bit premature, but the Princess and Sir Valiant know so little about each other that I would have expected some slightly disconcerting realizations during their honeymoon - like the fact that she's needy and he's afraid of committment.

"Why did you not seek a wife sooner than you did?" the princess asked, breaking the silence.

" I felt it was my duty to finish some assignments that required danger, much mobility, and  considerable time. Also, I never met one who was committed to the same tasks as myself - -until I met you."

"Yes, God's timing was right,"  the princess acknowledged, " but it was hard to wait. I used to have long talks with my father."

" And so did I,  reply to Sir Valiant. " I feared each time I came to the castle that there would be news  of your courtship or marriage. Yet I, too, felt I could do nothing until I had finished my mission - and until I knew more of you.  Also, I was afraid. I had seen battle, I had endured pain, I had been near the cause of death without fear. But approaching thy father for thy hand? Nay, that struck fear in my heart. There was much to lose if he said no. It took time - many seasons for the Lord prepare me. But such was good. It was needful."(pg. 245)

*gags*  These random references to God's providence are hackneyed.  The references never feel real or respectful of an active relationship with God because the references are always used to deflect a negative feeling about a person. 

The Princess has a legitimate question, albeit one that she should have asked LONG before the wedding - "Why the hell did it take you six years from when we met to pursue me?"

Sir Valiant replies "I was really busy - but I liked you."

Instead of sharing her feelings of frustration at Sir Valiant, the Princess sweeps it under the rug by invoking God - which feels blasphemous to me.

Sir Valiant's monologue about much scarier asking the King to court the Princess was than facing imminent pain and death is complete bull-shit.   My husband asked my parents' blessing on our marriage.  He'll be the first to admit that that was a piece of cake compared to saying goodbye to me as I was wheeled in for a C-section that might have ended in my death and the death of my son.

There is an asinine pause here for Alligator-bashing in the story.  Moving on:

"I remember the first time I saw you making a proclamation with a company of knights in the village," the princess said sweetly. " You were completely different from the other knights. Youthful - and yet you had a confidence and maturity because you were concerned with higher matters than they. You seem to have a mission unlike other knights. Do you remember your thoughts the first time we met?"

Sir Valiant gazed at the bright moon and recalled, " I was interested in you the first time I saw you. And I knew by the sparkle and brightness in thine eyes that thou wast a servant of the King of Kings. I began to converse with thy father, but mostly about business and only a little about his daughter - and only then simple questions that anyone would ask.   I was afraid to show direct interest.  After all, who was I but a mere knight? Not a noble or lord. I talked more to our Heavenly Father than to your father. And of course, I discussed the matter often with my parents as well. (pg. 245)

The Princess' discussion of how life goals give confidence and maturity shows how very sheltered Ms. Mally is.   I went to a small, fairly liberal Catholic college where most students were not practicing Catholics.  Within that community, there was a small subset of high-minded, traditional, conservative Catholics/Christians who had scads of plans for reforming Aquinas College,  Michigan and the rest of the Western World.   

I disagreed with them on everything - but I will say that they had lofty, mission-oriented goals.  Like Sir Valiant's one-man battle against dragons and giants, the Aquinas crusaders' mission failed because achieving large, systemic changes requires coalition building, diplomacy, and willingness to bend on minor issues to gain ground on major issues.

The fact that Valiant "knew" so much about the Princess by her shiny eyes tell us that he's as into ATI/ATIA/IBLP as Ms. Mally is.

Sir Valiant is as sheltered and ....well, young....as the Princess if he thinks that he pulled off asking questions about the Princess to the King during a business meeting  and no one noticed his interest - or lack of professionalism.

Sir Valiant has living parents?  Seriously?  Where have they been during this whole book?  Are they ready for the world of hurt that's coming to them when their upstart son marries above his station? That never ends well for the man or his extended family.

The princess snuggled close as Valiant continued, " Do you remember our first few months getting to know each other? Everything was so new."

"How could I ever forget?"   She spoke softly. "Everything was a first.  I think that is what made it so special.  I had never been in love before.  It was so new and pure.  It was like being on a treasure hunt with unending treasure or being in a new land with all kinds of wonderful places to explore."

"I remember our very first candle light dinner.  I could hardly believe it was actually happening,"  Sir Valiant said. " But do you know what my favorite part of our courtship was?  It was our long talks as we sat here in the garden and walked on the forest trails. The time would pass so quickly. And the hours we spent praying and serving the Lord together drew our hearts closer and closer."

" Yes, like the day we went to the Village together for the first time,"  the princess mentioned. " I respected the way you worked with the people. I was challenged to see your dedication to our Heavenly Father's business, and I wanted to be your helper." (pgs. 246-247)

This was the point I decided that this chapter was written as a drinking game.  Every gratuitous inclusion of God to show how holy Sir Valiant and the Princess are gets a shot. (You need a fifth for each person playing, fyi.)

This section demonstrates how Emo-Pure idealizes the ordinal of an event over the quality of the event.  The Princess and Sir Valiant are so busy raving about how amazed they were at finally having a candlelight dinner, talking to someone of the opposite gender, going for walks and doing nondescript good deeds that they missed each other.    Neither the Princess or Sir Valiant has described one unique quality or characteristic of their spouse in this whole chapter.  Some of this is poor characterization work on the part of the author, but not all. 

See, Emo-Pure puts all romantic activities behind an electric fence.  That might help someone guard their heart - but it leaves people unaware of the difference between a fun activity with a ho-hum date and a fun activity with a great date.   I'm afraid to think of all the people who married the first person they courted because the genuine fun of doing new activities covered up the fact that the two people aren't really that well matched.

The princess noticed how many stars had appeared and how very quiet it was. The chirping of the crickets had ceased. After several moments of silence the princess said, "I often think of the first letter you sent me. I was overjoyed. I read and reread it until it was memorized. I had never received a love letter before. (...) Indeed, do you not think that all of our experiences were sweeter because we had learned first of all to fall in love with our heavenly Father?"

The princess did not give him time to respond but continued with her contemplation. "When I woke up on the day of our wedding, I almost thought I was in a beautiful dream that could not possibly be true. The day seems perfect in every way. After years of imagining what it would be like and wondering if it would ever happen, here I was gazing into the eyes of the one God had provided. You gave me the most precious gifts --thy heart, thy purity,  and thy first kiss.  And by God's grace, I was able to give thee the same. Truly, these were the best gifts either of us could have asked for."  she spoke almost in a whisper and she leaned back into the arms of Sir Valiant and slipped her hand in his. A tear of joy fell softly upon her cheek if she pondered the goodness of her Heavenly Prince. (pg. 247)

The Princess' spiel makes me laugh every time - and not because of the ridiculous God references.

In Emo-Pure universe, the first experience is the only one that matters. 

That's why I've only taken one college class and sewn one quilt. I rode a bike once.  I've planted one garden.  I've been to one art museum, one botanical garden and one zoo.  My husband and I have gone on one vacation together and will take a single vacation with our son Jack.  Jack's gotta be an only child - after all, we've seen one kid learn to smile, roll, sit up, crow and erupt teeth already.  I've had one pregnancy.  Good thing I got pregnant that one time we had sex.

Yeah, that's exactly what Emo-Pure sounds like to the rest of humanity.

The idea that "your purity" - which I'm assuming is a euphemism for the first time they've had sex -and "your first kiss" being the best gift ever is insulting on so many levels.  The Princess - as much as I view her immature and uneducated - bring a hell of a lot more to the table than virginity and unkissed lips.  Ditto for Sir Valiant.

Plus, if neither of them is discussing how much fun they've had during sex, they need to spend some time learning about human sexuality - actually, they need a human anatomy course first - and some basic instruction in foreplay and the importance of lubrication stat.  Technique matters and pays off quickly.

In reality, it would not be honest for me to say that the dreams of the princess had come true. It was not her dream, but God's perfect plan - which far surpassed her own dreams - that had come to pass in God's time and in God's way. The journey may have been narrow and difficult, but the wedding day was a testament to the entire Kingdom. The king and queen gave their full blessing on the marriage, and the whole Kingdom celebrated.  The princess had saved herself fully for one man, and with unspeakable joy she declared that it was worth the wait. She understood that new challenges lie ahead, but she also knew that He who had been faithful through every past struggle would continue to be faithful through the next.

Not only have the couple gained the conditions for the very best and happiest marriage, they had also gained a good testimony - one that was observed and proclaimed throughout the kingdom far and wide. And because of their sacrifices, many other young maidens and squires chose to follow the example of Sir Valiant and his bride. (pg. 247-248)

The omnipotent narrator has never, ever directly addressed the reader before this - and an editor would have caught this! 

Clearly, the first paragraph of this quote was created to make sure that people playing the "gratuitous God-Invoking" drinking game had a chance to finish their fifth of liquor because there's no other rationale for it.

• I find the assumption that the narrator knows God's Plan - whatever that may be or mean - to be presumptuous in the extreme.  
• The trials that the Princess and Sir Valiant faced were trivial  and entirely of their own choosing so I have no sympathy for either of them.  
• The Princess spent around 50% of the book talking with the Alligator and 45% of the time moping around the castle.  Why would any of the common people be looking to her as an example?  She's clearly massively more privileged than the rest of the Kingdom; it's as dumb as the CP/QF bloggers who use Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge as an example of modest elegance.  She is - but that kind of elegance is not cheap!  Likewise, the villagers can't afford to be moping in semi-cloistered solitude.  They would need to pair off with a suitable life-partner to survive.
• I need way more data on their married life before I'm willing to award them a "good testimony" and "happy marriage" award.  Sir Valiant is conflict-shy and talks more than he works; the Princess capitulates to male authorities then sulks or dreams her days away.  That's not a good marriage pairing.

I've got one more post where I write up what I suspect the Princess and Sir Valiant's marriage looks like 5 years out.  The next book in my "Emo-Pure" review series will be Stacy MacDonald's "Raising Maidens of Virtue".