Before You Meet Prince Charming: Chapter 12 - Part Four

A quick recap of the previous post: God arranges marriages so girls/women should sit around and wait for some combination of men to set up a courtship for them.  If a girl/woman should happen to meet a guy outside of that, ask snoopy questions about his salvation status to kill time while her parents get involved.

This section is the second half of "Young Man Takes Initiative":

If the young man meets the qualifications, if you are interested, and if the Lord so directs through his Word and your authorities, now is an opportunity to begin building the friendship. As you proceed, it is best to first continue to get better acquainted in a group setting. I know one family that simply has a particular "interested" young man come to their home several times a week for supper and just to be with the family. The whole family is getting to know him well.


If possible, it would be nice for the two families to spend some time together as well. In fact, it would be ideal if both families could become good friends and possibly have ministry together. (pg. 230)

The conditional phrase "if you are interested" is the only discussion of consent in the entire section on how God arranges marriages.  At this point, I suspect most young women would begin a relationship with the guy.  If the steps previously stated had been followed, the man and woman don't know each other at all. Certainly not well enough to object to getting to know each other at that point. 

There's no discussion of how to bail from any of the next stages (close friendship, engagement or marriage) even though two of the three are not legally binding. This implies that when a guy and a girl agree to get to know each other they've started on an unstoppable journey that will end in marriage. That would be an excellent reason to demur from getting to know anyone of the opposite gender well in CP/QF circles.

  The rest of the sentence is absurd in the context of the steps.  If a guy doesn't meet the undefined "qualifications" set by your "authorities", the girl's not going to be allowed to get to know him better.  Expecting the Lord to direct you through his Word is a phrase that sounds elegant, but has no meaning.

There are so many potential pitfalls with getting to know a romantic partner amidst large families.

• Some families don't get out much - so adding a new person to the mix creates some unconscious power plays and rivalries about who the new person likes the best.
• Multiply the previous idea by 10 when combining two large families.
• It's rough enough when the person who monopolizes the conversation is one of the kids - but when Mom or Dad wants to monopolize the conversation with the new person, no one has any recourse. 
• Getting dumped for a stranger sucks.  Having a potential suitor fall in love with your sister - or brother - would REALLY suck especially since you have no emotional coping skills from previous ended relationships.
• All of this cozy fraternity is based on an unspoken assumption that the two families will be united in marriage.  Now, potential couples have to weigh the effects a breakup will have on their families, too.  I'm not sure which would be worse - wanting to call off a relationship when your family loves the other family or wanting to marry someone when your family has negative feelings (unrelated to your future spouse) about his family.  Either way, the pain of the broken relationship has grown much larger than the average dating relationship.

I feel compelled to point out that the relationship is in the "Casual Friendship" stage.  In the rest of the US, casual friendship would be a safe description of people on sports teams, co-workers, or that neighbor down the street.  People can certainly follow Ms. Mally's scheme - but don't be surprised when potential suitors balk at bringing their entire immediate family to pass out tracts with their not-a-girlfriend's family.  Most people have too much self-respect to be put on display for the family of a possible romantic interest if their family passes inspection.....

Close Friendship

This next phase is an exciting part of the adventure --but one still requiring much discernment, caution, and patience. It is tempting to rush ahead at this stage, rather than taking enough time to get to know each other well in a not- too - romantic environment. As much as possible, the goal is to keep your emotions in check until you determine that this indeed is the life partner God has for you.

Allow this phase to take as much time as is necessary. It is important to get to know each other well. We accomplish this not just by being together, but by doing together. Choose specific ministry projects that the two of you can work on as a team. There are also many areas that will be important to discuss during this courtship period: your purpose in life, your future ministry goals, your doctrine , your convictions, your views of family and child rearing, and your spiritual walk. But it is still best to avoid intimate talks until there is official engagement. (pg. 230-231)

My mind is boggled.

"Close friendship" is not a synonym for "courtship"to start with.  A close friendship can span decades without expectation of moving into a different stage.  A courtship is a transitional period in determining if two people are suitable for marriage.

Keeping emotions in check while actively deciding if a person is a marriage partner borders on the pathological.  Part of marriage suitability is mutual attraction as well as affection.  Refusing to acknowledge those feelings is harmful enough - but failing to recognize the absence of those feelings brings heartache down the road.

Like in dating, relationships develop on their own timeline - but extremely short or long timelines can be a sign that something is wrong.  Short courtships may miss some disconnects between partners; long courtships can be a sign that someone is uncomfortable with commitment.

Spending scads of time working on ministry projects together during the courtship is a horrible idea.  People are seeing how they fit as life partners, not ministry buddies. Being together is an important part of determining compatibility - and not only in scant moments stolen from massed family gatherings.  Once a couple marries, they won't have a chaperone available to fill silences.

Did an editor read this section or was it written piecemeal?  In previous stages, a couple learned about their life purposes, ministry goals, and spiritual walk.  That was the thrust of the "Observe" and "Have Parents Stalk Future Boyfriend" sections - so why are we rehashing this again during courtship?  Has their beliefs changed massively? 

I guess a couple can chat about doctrine, but my marriage hasn't been challenged by the differences in belief between my church and my husband's church which I suspect are more substantial than the differences between sects of CP/QF.

If a person has previous convictions or ongoing criminal legal problems, they should disclose that to suitors. Oh, I know Ms. Mally doesn't mean that type of conviction - but she should.   Josh Duggar should have disclosed his multiple molestations to his future wife and Toby Willis should have let his wife know that he rapes kids.     A whole lot of shit is apparently being swept under rugs in CP/QF land so a woman who plans to be financially dependent on her husband while raising a very large family should be damned sure her husband isn't going to end up in a pseudo-rehab center or in prison.

The idea of laying out my future family life with a man to whom I can't say "I love you", can't hug or kiss seems completely out of whack.  By reacting to perceived imbalances in dating relationships, courtship has swung too far in the other direction.

Engagement

Engagement is the home stretch towards marriage. Many long talks have already occurred, but ahead are some of the most special times and a greater level of intimacy as you enjoy a new sense of belonging to one another. A couple needs plenty of time together to have these necessary long talks that engagement requires.

But you still do not want to put yourself in any tempting situations. There are lots of opportunities to be together while just going about normal daily activities. Continue to maintain close accountability with your parents, and purpose to avoid even the appearance of evil.

Concentrate on the spiritual and continue to wait for the physical. I respect many couples I know who have chosen to reserve their first kiss for their wedding and all physical affection for marriage. (pg. 231-232)

Wow.  That's.....wow.

I don't know what Ms. Mally thinks marriage is like - but it's not a series of long, deep heart-to-heart conversations interspersed with sex.

Communication is key in a working marriage - and yet  the couple has never talked about money, family issues, sex, or end-of-life issues.  These are difficult conversations that need to happen.

Let's talk about money for a minute.  Young adults from CP/QF families are in a different situation than many engaged Americans because they generally live at home prior to marriage.  This creates some potential sticky points for a young marriage that should be discussed:

• Each person should find out how much money their current standard of living costs - a home, car, gasoline, utilities, internet access, food, insurance, and clothing.  Next, compare those numbers to the previous year's income of the husband.  Discuss what changes will have to occur for the new couple to make their budget work.
• The new couple will presumably live on their own.  
• Look up the cost of either a mortgage on a two-bedroom house or the monthly rent of a similar apartment.  Assume that the apartment will require at least two month's rent as a deposit and that a house requires a 20% down payment.  (Since rampant fertility is a design of CP/QF,  I'm going to assume that a one-bedroom or studio apartment is not workable.)  
• Next, determine the amount of cash-on-hand needed to furnish the apartment/house with a double bed, a couch, a table, and a few kitchen chairs prior to moving in.
• Determine the daily commute costs for the husband.
• Revamp the budget to make these numbers fit.
• Couples in the twenties not using birth control have a 90% chance of conceiving in the first year of marriage.  
• Determine the cost of OB visits - one first trimester, three second trimester, 6-8 third trimester visits plus costs of delivery - under your health care plan.  
• Determine the costs of an infant health care plan including 5-6 well-baby checkups in the first year plus two sick-baby office calls and one ER visit.  
• Estimate the costs of diapers, wipes, and formula for one year.  (Don't skip this step if you plan to breastfeed.  Some women cannot produce enough breast milk to exclusively breastfeed and some infants cannot safely grow on breast milk due to inborn metabolic issues.)
• Assume an additional $50-100 in maternity clothing costs and random infant supplies.  (I bought all of my maternity clothes from thrift stores like Goodwill - but you will still need new bras and underwear both before and after giving birth.)
• Add up the total costs of the previous four lines and divide by two.   This is least amount of money that having one baby every two years will cost.  
• Revamp the budget to make the numbers fit.

Get my drift yet?  The reason many Americans have smaller family sizes is because raising offspring is expensive.  One reason many mothers work is that raising offspring is expensive.  One reason many people receive vocational training or college educations is that raising offspring is expensive.

Don't let CP/QF obsession with avoiding sexual contact before marriage hurry a marriage that will be marked by grinding poverty instead of waiting a few years for education and career prospects to pay off.

Good news!  Ms. Mally has lost most of her steam at this point so the section on marriage is short and completely unrealistic.

Marriage

In God's amazing plan, the two become one. As women, we were created to be our husbands' helpmeets. We need to remind ourselves frequently that our purpose in getting married is not to get, but rather to give. We can be assured that, as we follow God's calling and honor his design, his plan is what will bring us ultimate fulfillment and joy. (pg. 232)

I've written answers similar to this before when I hit a question on an exam that I was completely unprepared for.   Since I wasn't sure what the right answer was, I did my best to string a few concepts together and hope that I was right.... but the most common outcome was being absolutely wrong.

Ms. Mally strung together the Biblical ideas of two people becoming one in marriage, women as helpmeets, a divine plan, and what is usually derided as a "modern feminist" obsession with fulfillment for a frantic punt that sounds like no marriage I've ever seen - and no marriage I would want to be in.

Well, the chapter continues for several more pages - but it's not worth going over.  Next, we move on to the happy ending of the allegory where the Princess and Sir Valiant have a deep heart-to-heart talk after their honeymoon.