Warm-Up Game for the Next Preparing Sons Chapter!

Whoo-hoo!  The next chapter in "Preparing Sons for To Provide for a Single Income Family" by Steven Maxwell is my absolute favorite chapter of all CP/QF books I've read so far.

Maxwell blesses us by letting us know about nine separate activities that will lead your family down the road to perdition! 

I've collected the nine activities and paraphrased lightly the outcomes for each.  It is up to you to match the activity and the outcome!

The answers for each will be revealed in the post covering each activity.  This chapter is such a hoot that it will last for several weeks because there is so much crazy-crazy material that I've gotta divide it into smaller chunks.

Have fun!

Samaritan Ministry Is Going To Kill Someone: Part 1

Years ago - back when I was teaching full time at a high school - I ran into Samaritan Ministries through a reference on one blog or another.   Samaritan is a member to member health insurance cost sharing plan for Christians who want emulate how the early Christians lived.  The basic idea is pretty simple: instead of sending a policy payment to an insurance company every month, members send their monthly payment to a member who has had a large medical bill.  The member uses that money to pay the providers and everyone is happy.

Back then, there was only the plan that is referred to as "Samaritan Classic" now.  Members had a $500 deductible on each medical issue then the rest of the cost of treatment could be reimbursed up to $250,000.  The plan has some exclusions around sexual health in that abortions, problems resultant from an abortion and STD testing were excluded from being funded.  At the time, my only concern was for women or men who had a spouse who had an affair and needed to get STD testing because of that; it felt like punishing the innocent spouse.  My gut assumption was that people who were attracted to Samaritan would not be seeking abortions for any reason.

Fast forward to last month when I got pulled into the rabbit hole again when researching something about the Maxwell Family businesses pulled up a blog post on how Samaritan Ministries covered the medical bills for Nathan Maxwell's daughters Susannah (who was born with terminal brain damage from unknown causes) and Abigail. 

As I was looking at their section on  "Maternity and Newborn Care", I saw three sections that scared me from a medical standpoint: ectopic pregnancies, home births and vaginal births after cesarian -sections (VBACs).  This post will cover ectopic pregnancies.

Ectopic Pregnancies:
An ectopic pregnancy is a pregnancy that implants anywhere outside of the uterus.  The most common site for ectopic pregnancies is the fallopian tube - but rarely it occurs on the ovary, the outside of the uterus, the intestines or the cervix.  Fallopian tube ectopic pregnancies will either end when the fetus dies from lack of blood supply or will end when the fallopian tube ruptures causing the fetus to bleed to death when the placenta detaches long before viability is reached.  The danger with a tubal rupture is that it can cause massive internal bleeding for the mother and often requires a more complicated surgery to stop the bleeding and mitigate the damage to the mother's reproductive system.  Women do die in developed nations from ectopic pregnancies but it is rare because doctors  treat ectopic pregnancies by chemical or surgical removal as soon as they are diagnosed.  In developing nations, the fatality rate of diagnosed ectopic pregnancies is around 3% - and is probably higher since women who die away from medical facilities would not be reported.

To be clear, NO pregnancies have survived to viability from a fallopian tube ectopic pregnancy.  A handful of ectopic pregnancies outside of the fallopian tube have surivied to viability - but the most common outcome is fetal death from lack of blood supply.  Delivery of an ectopic pregnancy outside of the fallopian tube is a life-threatening surgery for the mother; the placenta has infiltrated blood vessels of organs that do not have the muscular response to contract when the placenta is removed.  This can lead to catastrophic bleeding that has lead to maternal death - and can do so long before viabilty is reached.

 Samaritan's Policies:

Expenses Shared—Procedures related to a ruptured fallopian tube (including post-operative recovery of the mother, follow-up care, and treatment of any complications), and, where an ectopic pregnancy is diagnosed before a rupture, all pre-operative tests and consultations and expenses related to keeping the mother under medical care while determining what care should be offered for the mother and child.

  Expenses Not Shared—Procedures directly related to the termination of a living, unborn child and/or removal of the living, unborn child from the mother due to an ectopic pregnancy are not shared (e.g. methotrexate, salpingectomy, salpingostomy), unless the removal of the child from its ectopic location was for the primary purpose of saving the life of the child or improving the health of the child.

Issues: Samaritan is mandating that women choose the popular among QF Evangelical route of "Watchful Waiting" where women diagnosed with ectopic pregnancies wait until either the fallopian tube ruptures (or something similar if it is another organ) or the baby dies before removing the pregnancy.

This is a horrible idea based on flawed premises.  The rationale goes that women in the US and Europe have a really low rate of mortality from ectopic pregnancies so it's not dangerous for women to put off treatment of an ectopic pregnancy as long as they are being carefully monitored by their doctors.

The reason that developed nations have low rates of mortality is because doctors interviene in ectopic pregnancies prior to rupture - even if the fetus is still alive.  I'm Catholic and the Catholic Church has recognized this basic principle for as long as doctors have been able to diagnose ectopic pregnancies.  There is no chance of survivial for the fetus and ~25% chance of a potentially lethal rupture for the mother so the Church allows for the fallopian tube to be removed.  Yes, this kills the baby - but the purpose of the surgery is not to kill the baby but to prevent a ruptured tube so it is not immoral.  I find the rationale a bit hackneyed - but women have an option to end the pregnancy.

The QF believers will reply "But we don't really know how long a Fallopian pregnancy can survive because doctors won't let nature take its course!"

Here's a sane reply: Ectopic pregnancies have been killing women for centuries.  Doctors have been doing autopsies on dead women for 150 years.  They've collected plenty of data from dead women with dead babies that shows that ectopic pregnancies in the fallopian tubes will rupture by 16 weeks and that the later the rupture happens the higher chance of maternal mortality or injury. 

OB/GYNs like babies.  They like delivering healthy babies to healthy mamas.  They would love to figure out how to save ectopic pregnancies - but it's not possible until we can build a placenta from scratch and attach it in the right place.

There will be another post on this topic soon. :-)

Maidens of Virtue: Chapter Eleven

"Loving Your Own Nest" in "Maidens of Virtue" by Stacy McDonald  reads like a standard testimonial of loving your mob of small children in spite of the mess and chaos that make.  It's got the standard spiel: a woman feels overwhelmed after comparing her life to the life of a friend whose children are grown.  She dreams of how much easier her life would be in the absence of children - but remembers that Bible bit about how children are a blessing.  She wouldn't want to give up any of the kids so she stuffs down all of the hard emotions and soldiers on.

It's a standard spiel - but this chapter wasn't written by Stacy McDonald about her children; it was written by her second daughter about her life as a full-time caregiver to her younger siblings. 

Yes, not only does Stacy McDonald hand off entire chunks of child-rearing (including cleaning up after the young ones) to her daughters - she also uses deeply personal writings by those daughters to sell books.  #mom_of_the_year

The chapter starts with the standard slap at non-homeschooling families that try to interact with her kids:

We teach our children that is an honor and a privilege to serve one another, but there are well-meaning folks who ask our children baffling questions like, " So what do you do for fun?" " You mean you spend your weekends with your family?" " You mean you like being around your brothers and sisters?" Since we require more from our children than the average modern parent expects, it is not surprising when restlessness and discontent attempt to enter the hearts of our children.

When she was still in her teens, our second oldest daughter, Tiffany, shared the following testimony of her own struggle with contentment: (pg. 105)

*sighs*

The question "What do you do for fun?" is one of those mindless but safe questions that adults can ask unrelated kids to make small talk.  Some other examples of these types of question/statements are "Hey, you don't have school today!" (upon seeing school-aged kids in the store) because that leads into "Yeah, it's a conference day / exams / MLK / National holiday / snow day!" or "Do you have any siblings / pets?" or "Who is your favorite TV character?" or "What sport do you play?"  None of these questions have a hidden agenda in dissing home school or undermining a family's choice of raising their kids without media; it's just small talk.

The weekends with family or questioning about if they like their siblings are more pointed - but that is a potential outcome of choosing to live a lifestyle that is extremely discordant to the wider culture.  Most teenagers have at least one after-school activity; it could be a sport, a club, an activity or a job.  Most teenagers find their siblings to be irritating from time to time - and I've seen nothing that excludes home schooled teens from that.   Personally, my relationship with each of my siblings was improved by having areas where we were not forced to directly interact all the time.

I've never been so certain that CP/QF families actually expect more from their children.  The most vocal bloggers and writers on home schooling within CP/QF construct very detailed rationales as to why their students do not need to learn high school level math, science or writing.  The students are not learning how to manage time pressures from outside activities along with educational pressures.  Many CP/QF kids are so highly sheltered that they are not learning the interpersonal skills that come with having to make friends and dealing with people who are different.  Really, it's insulting to the home schooling families who work diligently to provide their students with rigorous curriculum, involvement in community activities and free time with peers to learn how to interact. 

I will concede that many QF families expect way too much from their older kids in terms of caring for siblings and chores - and Stacy McDonald's family expects way too much from her older daughters.

There was a time when I found myself wishing for a life that God had not chosen for me. One night, when the house was quiet, I snuggled beneath my warm, thick comforter and began to reflect upon recent days.

I quietly remembered visiting some friends in their home. They have three children who have graduated from high school and no longer have babies to watch and messes to clean. I recall envy filling my heart as I looked around their house and noticed that their living room was spotless. There were no puzzle pieces under the coffee table waiting to be put back where they belong. They didn't have mud stains on the carpet by the door from little feet, or coffee stains by the counter from chubby fingers reaching for a good sip of sweetened coffee and cream ----and no dirty diapers to change! Their time seems to be their own. I imagine relaxing on the couch with a good book and no noisy toddlers running about. I envisioned eating a piece of cake without a 4 year old climbing in my lap to ask for a bite. Peace! Why couldn't our family be that way? (pg. 106)

Short response to Tiffany's question: Your parents are lazy.

Longer response:
The main attraction as far as I can see to QF theology is that husband-wife couples never have to choose to postpone having another kid ever.   They get the continual positive feedback loop of the excitement that surrounds pregnancy, birth and infancy while hiding behind the excuse that "God wants it this way".   Looking at the present state of a family can be sobering; deciding to postpone another pregnancy doesn't receive a lot of positive feedback from friends and church members.  Plus, spacing a pregnancy takes some planning and sacrifice - doubly so if the couple refuses to use birth control.

 The issue, though, is that there is only so much time for Mrs. McDonald to raise her ten children each day.  Babies are time-consuming - but toddlers, preschoolers and early elementary aged kids are work.  Those age groups need a lot of help learning how to navigate within the family structure and within the wider world.  Those ages understand the difference between a parent - who has the right to order them around - and an older sibling - who is not a parent and faces lots of backlash from kids who want their parent. 

Somewhere along the lines, the wheels came off the family system in the McDonald house.  Yes, small children tend to be messier and noisier than teenagers - but this sounds like chaos.  Kids who are old enough to play with puzzles are old enough to put them away.  Kids can be trained to remove their shoes before going on carpet - and to use the hose outside to wash their feet off if they have muddy bare feet during the summer.  Having small children reaching for hot liquids over their head is a recipe for severe burns - not an adorable anecdote!  Tiffany should be allowed to tell the four-year-old to get off her lap while she's eating.

Why didn't this happen?  Teaching each of those behaviors takes time.  It doesn't take a lot of time - but Mrs. McDonald doesn't have any time left between caring for the most pressing needs, feeding the family and homeschooling.  It's easier to justify letting the youngest members of the family run wild than it is to teach them to be respectful of belongings and people.

Discontentment began to creep in and take dominion over my life. Everyday I would find some other fault with our family, some other reason to be jealous. My every thought seem to begin with, "If only our family..."

The babies began to be burdensome to me; they were no longer a joy to be around. It seemed like every day brought more messes and even more laundry to fold and put away. I thought it was the babies who are being grumpy, when in reality, it was I. (pg. 106)

Stacy McDonald chose to marry her husband.  They chose not to practice any form of family planning and ended up with ten children.   I chose to marry my husband, practice family planning and have a single son so far.   Mothering brings crazy days and hard days - but in the back of my mind  I always know that I chose to have my son.   I made a choice - and I work with the consequences of that choice.

Tiffany never made a choice. 

She's a stay-at-home-mother who has never fallen in love, never had sex and never given birth.   She's got all of the work - but none of the perks or security that comes with motherhood.  I doubt James or Stacy McDonald would have reacted well if Tiffany or any of the other girls in the congregation who were raising siblings stood up to be recognized on Mother's Day.  The McDonalds could kick out Tiffany and cut her off from her younger siblings legally once she turned 18.    Tiffany can't make any of the decisions that a wife and mother could make in her own home.  She can't kick the kids outside to play while she reads a book or cleans a room in peace.  Tiffany can't tell her younger brother or sisters that they have to fold their own laundry and put it away now.  She's not even allowed to declare that the "babies" are making life miserable; Tiffany's unhappiness must be caused by Tiffany alone.

This is the point that Tiffany remembers that babies are a blessing from the Lord - but the Bible never mentions how children are blessings for siblings - just parents. 

A discontented spirit had begun to weigh me down. I had been cross, mean, and miserable. When I could bear it no longer, I finally called on the Lord to bring me out of the "miry pit". I asked him to set my feet on a " firm foundation," which reminded me of one of my favorite hymns. The fourth verse in " How Firm A Foundation" has encouraged me often. It reads:

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply:

the flame shall not hurt thee, I only design

the dross to consume, and thy gold to refine. (pg. 106-107)

A teenager is too overwhelmed when their comforting rationale for the drudgery of caring for children she didn't bear is that God's refining her soul through fiery trials.    That's really depressing - and I'm horrified that her mother after reading this "testimony" decided that not only was her daughter doing fine, but that the story should be included in a book for young women!

I do suspect that this testimony made Stacy McDonald mad on some level because the first two questions in the "Share your Heart" are brutal:

Do you ever wish you were part of another family instead of your own or wonder if other daughters have it easier or better than you do? How could this type of thinking be a rejection of God's Sovereign will--- and ultimately rebellion against God? (pg 108)

Look, all kids dream of being in a family that is totally different than their own because the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence.   That's age-appropriate.  The best solution for those longings is to spend lots of time around other families because all families have their strengths and weaknesses.    Kids should also be allowed to ask for changes in the family's routines.  Tiffany doesn't want to be surrounded by toddlers with no sense of boundaries all the time.  There's an easy solution of letting Tiffany spend time at her child-free friends' home to recharge her batteries or go to the local library without the young ones in tow.   Doing that, of course, would require Mr. and Mrs. McDonald to care for their children and home without one of their teenage daughters around to lessen their load - but that seems fair to me since the teenage daughters don't get input on the family reproduction plan. 

Which Commandment are you breaking when you look at another family and long for the life they live? If you've been guilty of this, stop right now and repent. Pray that God will forgive you and give you a thankful spirit for what he has given you. Pray that you will learn from your imperfect family all that God wants to teach you. (pg. 108)

Oh, the girls might be treading close the 10th Commandment - but Stacy McDonald threw the Greatest Commandment out the door during her chapter on cleanliness being next to Godliness.  I don't see the McDonald parents showing love to their older daughters that is equal to their love of self.   

I hope the McDonald girls learned an important lesson from their imperfect family - that couples who marry young and want large families are advised to think about longer spacing between children for the sake of the family over the long term.  

Preparing Sons for Single Income - Chapter Five

The fifth chapter in "Preparing Sons to Provide for a Single Income Family" by Steven Maxwell is mostly a chance to explain the steps to being "saved" to any readers who have bought this book without being saved already.  I don't much to say on that point except that the idea of having a born-again moment is really bizarre to people who grew up in non-Evangelical circles.  As a Catholic, we view salvation as being the providence of a merciful God whom we show gratitude to by behaving in a moral manner.  We believe that baptism is a rebirth in Christ - and we are very much in favor of baptizing infants.  We believe that we receive the Body and Blood of Christ at the Eucharist.

Coming from that background, the idea of a single moment where Christ is invited into someone's heart is....a bit jarring, really.  From my background, the fact that Christ is the Savior of the World and the fact that you personally need salvation is a basic given that we've accepted since early childhood.  The real challenge is living a life that reflects Christ's Love for all - and we don't find asking people about their salvation status to be a good way of doing that.

Anyway, the Maxwell thesis on salvation is book-ended by a slap at a early mentor of Nathan's in the beginning and the story of Nathan's purchase of a home as a reward for Nathan, Steve and Teri's prayer life at the far end which will be the crux of this post.

The chapter begins with the horror story of "Mike".

Nathan, my oldest son, worked with Mike for a number of months. Mike is single, good-looking, extremely talented, and makes an enormous amount of money. He lives the " fast life", drives high-performance German vehicles, and goes from one fun experience to another. Do Mike's parents consider him a success? Very likely! Most people evaluate their children's success by the amount of money they earn and whether they stay out of trouble. Unfortunately, Mike doesn't know the Lord Jesus as Savior, and unless something changes, he will spend eternity in "the lake of fire". (pg. 62)

Adoption Issues: Communication between Home and School

Well, the baby is feeling a bit better today - but I caught his cold.  I'm running far enough behind that reading in a chapter of either of the book reviews will have to wait until the weekend - but I have a blog post review waiting in my back pocket.

I wrote a previous blog post about the Corkum family: two parents, two biological kids, one adopted son adopted in accordance with best practices followed by the adoption of three unrelated teenagers who were substantially older than the other three kids.  The last three adoptions have been a complete mess and by 2016 all three of the kids were living in other placements.

Prior to the oldest adopted kids leaving, the most disruptive kid was placed in public schools.  Melissa Corkum had previously home schooled all of the kids using the classical method so this was a hard transition for her.   She wrote a post about things that the kid's teacher has said that are emotionally devastating to her.   The post made me laugh because I've said all of these things to parents (or something pretty close) before and I can promise that the teacher did not mean what Mrs. Corkum heard.

Statement One:

“She has been super cooperative for me.”

CP/QF Crazy: Carry a loaded gun at all times.

Howdy all! 

Normally, I'd post a "Maidens of Virtue" or "Single Income Sons" review today, but the baby is down with his first real respiratory virus and I'm indulging my urge to watch him like a hawk.  He's really absolutely fine; he just wants to cuddle on my lap all day so we're watching movies that CP adherents would find deeply disturbing like "Moana" and "Mulan".   We'll probably wrap up with something the Maxwell Family would find abhorrent: an entire movie of talking animals doing crazy things known as "Madagascar". Jack giggles every time he sees the lion - which makes me giggle.

I've been saving this post from "In A Shoe" by Kim C. for years based on the question:

I have a question for Kim C: Do you always carry a gun? What safety measures do you take, surrounded all day by young children? My husband and I are thinking more about getting a handgun. We don’t own one now, and the thought of it makes me very nervous, as children are curious and accidents happen.

Personally, I don't own a gun.  My husband has a licensed .44 handgun that he keeps unloaded in a locked case in his truck with the ammo stored in a different locked case either in the truck or in the office of the farm he's on.  He uses it solely for the rare situation where he needs to euthanize a cow quickly due to a broken leg.  (Our vets are great - but best-case time from when we call the vet to arrival on the farm is 30 minutes and can be over an hour if the weather is bad or the on-call vet is already at a different farm.  A broken leg is painful and uniformly fatal on an adult cow so it's best to end her suffering quickly.)   The gun never comes in the house.

I don't see the point of carrying a handgun for self-defense.  I'm firmly in favor of de-escalating a situation wherever possible and whipping a gun out does not do that.  With a personal history of depression and anxiety, having a gun around greatly increases my risk of committing suicide - and I don't want to do that either.

Kim C. disagrees with me.

I carry almost any time I leave the house, and often around the house as well. I wear a bellyband, with my gun in the back securely against my body. This lets me nurse a baby, use the bathroom, carry a toddler on my hip, even change clothes without ever removing it. I never take it off and set it down anywhere, because I know that there is a chance I might someday forget to pick it up again. I never carry in my purse, where it could easily be snatched or set down unattended. I either wear it or put it away.

CP/QF Crazy: That Time Isaac Anderson's Asthma nearly killed him...

 While surfing around looking for issues within CP/QF adherents, home schooling done badly and international adoptions gone wrong, I frequently hit a random post that has some major issues that need to be addressed. 

Steven and Zsuzsanna Anderson are a CP/QF couple with ten children ranging from 16 years to a newborn son.  They hold repugnant beliefs involving homosexuality being a capital crime and got in the news cycle every 18 months or so by proclaiming that killing Obama would be godly.  They've never made the connection that the two of them would have been completely bankrupted by the major medical interventions needed during Boaz and Jachim's pregnancy if the nation-wide, one-time open enrollment plan for ACA / Obamacare hadn't lined up with the point where doctors realized that Boaz and Jachim shared a placenta causing twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS).  In spite of heroic medical efforts, Jachim died before birth but Boaz was saved and is now a healthy toddler.

When Zsuzsanna's last home birth delivery reached transition and the baby's head failed to engage in the pelvis, she realized the danger of a prolapsed cord and transferred to a hospital where she delivered a healthy little boy.

The two of them use modern medicine - but Zsuzsanna has a strong belief in her powers as a natural healer.  I have no problem with people trying home remedies; I do it myself - but I am also aware that certain problems need prompt medical intervention especially when the nervous system, cardiovascular system or respiratory system are involved.

Apparently, Isaac, her second son, had a cough for a few days in the spring when he was 8 followed by wheezing.  His mom took him to an urgent care to be checked out where they diagnosed him with "illness-induced asthma" according to Zsuzsanna.  This is her description of his treatment:

However, it was very mild, so after one breathing treatment right there, he was sent home with an inhaler so use for the next few days until he was completely over his symptoms.

I have a mild case of asthma that is triggered by vigorous exercise, upper respiratory infections, and some chemicals.   I find Zsuzsanna's description of his medical plan on release very odd.  An urgent care would prescribe a rescue inhaler for a kid with pollen-induced asthma - but they would also be very clear that the patient needs to follow up with their primary care provider to create a care plan.  A doctor would probably want him on an anti-allergy drug during the time of year he was exposed to pollen as well as using his rescue inhaler a certain number of times a day.  Equally importantly, the Anderson's would receive additional information about signs of early and late respiratory distress and instructions on how often to use the rescue inhaler for each.

Over the next three years, Isaac gets what his parents assume is a cold that is text-book allergies roughly a week before his birthday.

In 2012,  Isaac gets his yearly cold and his mom realizes that he's allergic to pollen.  She attempts to deal with the issue at home:

So, for the next couple of days, I kept Isaac indoors, and he seemed fine as long as he stayed away from the front door. He kept coughing in the evenings, but there was little to no wheezing, and his eyes were not watery. Still, I insisted on him using his inhaler whenever the coughing started, as well as treating him with herbs that control asthma, and coughing.

Maidens of Virtue: Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten builds on Chapter Nine's theme of "siblings are the only friends worth having" by telling the moralistic story of Lydia.   One day, Lydia sees a group of public school kids bullying a little girl.  Lydia intervenes causing the bullies to scatter and she comforts the little girl by telling her a Bible story.  When Lydia returns home, she tells her mom about the encounter with great indignation - at which point her mother reminds her of how much she hurt her sister's feelings when they fight.  Lydia is overwhelmed with remorse at her cruel ways and apologizes to her sister Jennifer.   Everyone presumably lives happily ever after surrounded by fresh-baked, home-made cinnamon muffins. 

After my first read-through of the book, the only things I remembered about the story were the strange inclusion of ecstasies surrounding the scent and taste cinnamon muffins at random points in the story and that Stacy McDonald managed to write a dead-on (and damn funny) teenage sister - to - sister insult around cooking.

All of the quotes from this chapter are from the conversation between Lydia and her mother; the rest is dross.  The first quote is Lydia and Jennifer's mother deftly turning the conversation away from bullying of a stranger to fighting with a sister:

When we imagine sins of the tongue, we tend to think of gossip, cursing, or lying. What you witnessed today was an example of purposeful verbal nastiness. But sometimes our careless words are just as injurious within our own families - maybe more so. Sometimes the careless remark to a sibling about some physical feature or a hasty joke about a particular habit or personal quirk is harmful.

Do you remember last week when you and your sister, Jennifer, were arguing? She pointed out your unmade bed and lack of diligence in keeping things as neat as you probably should. When your feelings were hurt by her drawn-out rebuke, you said some rather unkind things about her cooking skills. (pg. 97)

Preparing Sons for Single Income: Chapter Four

Chapter Four  - titled "What Does It Take to Make Ends Meet?" - is Steven Maxwell's fleshing out of how life choices affect budgets.   The chapter presents obvious, basic budgeting advice, potentially ruinous financial advice, judgmental condemnations of people he knows and family stories into a fun read.

The first anecdote shames a random couple that Mr. Maxwell knows:

I know young wife, Beth, who acquired a taste for nice jewelry. Tommy, her husband, loves her very much and wants to please her. Guess what Tommy buys Beth? Jewelry - - beautiful, expensive jewelry. Even though Tommy earns a good income, it isn't sufficient to support extravagant purchases. The couple has chosen to rely on credit cards to feed Beth's jewelry appetite, and they have amassed thousands of dollars in high-interest debt. (pg. 39)

Adoption Issues: What Not to Do for ANY Children

I was bumbling around on various home schooling blogs and stumbled upon Melissa Corkum's blog at The Cork Board while learning a bit about the classical method of home schooling.

Despite researching home schooling issues for several years, I'm still surprised at the number of home schooling parents who branch out into questionable choices in international adoption.   

The Corkum family has six kids.  They had two biological children, then adopted "Tee" when he was about 2 years old in 2009.  (Her blog uses names for the kids which I assume are pseudonyms - but since I am unsure - I'm just going to use initials.)  Tee's adoption is a good example of how international adoption can be beneficial.  Melissa was adopted as an infant from Korea - which is where Tee is adopted from - so she has experience of being Asian-American in the USA as well as being adopted.  Tee was the youngest child when adopted in.  It took Tee several years to fully feel comfortable in his new home and he eventually received an additional diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorders (FASD).  Tee seems to have academic struggles - but Melissa is actively involved in creating a classical curriculum that combines weekly planned co-op lessons with reinforcement at home.  IOW, Tee's adoption seems to have worked out well.

By 2011, the family was in a good groove.  At that point, the Corkums decided to adopt again but from Ethiopia instead.  They were open to matching up to three adoptees with no restrictions on gender, relation, or age of the kids.  They were matched with two unrelated kids: a 14-year old boy named "Jay" and a 13-year old girl named "Kay".  On top of being unrelated to each other, Jay and Kay are substantially older than the Corkum's biological children and Tee.  While finalizing Jay's adoption in Ethiopia, the Corkums find out that Jay was being raised with another orphan: 11-year old "Gee". The Corkums decide to adopt Gee to keep Jay and Gee together.   In a post, Melissa mentions obliquely that at that point the adoption agency informed Melissa and her husband that adopting three unrelated teenagers is not recommended - but the adoption of Gee proceeds.

Long story short: Jay and Kay have troubles settling into a home-schooling family that doesn't speak the same language in a foreign country.  Gee struggles even more and eventually needs in-patient treatment.  By 2016, the kids are 18, 17, and 15 and none of them are living with the Corkums.

In 2014, Melissa wrote a post titled "What Not To Do In Older Child Adoption" that lists four mistakes the Corkums made that I feel safe broadening to "Don't Do For ANY Children" based on my years of teaching scads of unaccompanied minors, teenage refugees and kids in foster care kids as well as garden-variety teenagers.

Do not dis your child’s country of origin…ever. Or at least not until they develop a sense of humor. We adore Ethiopia but the truth is that it’s polluted and smoggy with an unmistakable diesel-mixed-with-raw-sewage smell, and they teach weird, backward things in health class. It will not build trust in your child to look incredulously at them when they tell you their health teacher taught them eating ice will give you tonsillitis or that Michael Jackson turned white because he had his skin turned inside out.

Perhaps the parents could focus more on the positives about Ethiopia (and there are a lot) and leave the attitude of American superiority behind.

 I live in a rural area that smells like diesel mixed with either cow manure, pig manure or turkey manure depending on which way the wind blows.  The area I grew up in smelled like gasoline fumes mixed with stale fast-food or industrial machinery depending on which way the wind blew.  The places I like to vacation smell mostly like rotting fresh water plants, dead leaves, and the occasional whiff of animal urine.  It's all about perspective - and what you are used to.

Is it so crazy that eating ice in Ethiopia might cause tonsillitis - or at least one hell of a sore throat?  Let's say the health teacher was completely wrong.  We have people in the US who believe that homeopathy works, taking colloidal silver during pregnancy reduces morning sickness, and that psychological struggles by adopted children can be cured by forced hugging.   Go to a public place in the US and ask 30 people why Michael Jackson's skin turned from brown to white.  How many different answers do you'll think I'd get  and what percentage would be correct?  Plus, these kids spent most of their lives speaking a different language and have only been immersed in English for 20 months at this point.  I can only imagine what kind of a mess I would make if I had to explain how a vaccine works in Amheric or Oromo - even with 20 months immersion.

This next one freaks me out in terms of inappropriate bashing of a teenager:

Do not minimize felt discomfort. We respected their boundaries pretty well for the first 3 months. Then the honeymoon ended and so did my patience. Instead of honoring the fact that eye contact felt weird or that hearing the words “I love you” (even between two other people) were like nails on a chalk board, we verbalized how ridiculous they were acting. We probably should have tried “I wonder why ‘I love you’ makes you so uncomfortable?” (and been okay with a non-answer) when we really said, “That’s unhealthy. What are you going to do when you get married?…Nope, you won’t find a husband that’s okay with never saying those words. No really. Not going to happen. Ever. And that’s why you’re still in therapy, since you asked yesterday.”

First, thirty seconds of imagination should cure people of struggling to understand why it takes a long time for people to change their patterns of eye contact and expressing affection.

• Imagine being transported to a culture where people always look over the left shoulder of the person they are talking to as a sign of respect and looking someone in the eye is a sign of rebellion or disinterest.  I'd be insulting people left and right - and 20 months would barely make a dent in the habit.
• Now, imagine a culture where the accepted affectionate greeting between romantic partners is a deep tongue kiss.  Saliva should be exchanged.  People do this at the store, in church, at home and in front of elderly relatives.  I'm an adult and it would take me at least a year to not have a shocked / vaguely repulsed expression on my face when people played tonsil hockey in front of me.  Teenage me would have been even worse.

Melissa's response to her daughter's repulsion at hearing adults say "I love you" was brutal and callous.   She essentially tells her daughter that she's not marriageable because verbal affection in public bothers her.  Guess what?  There are plenty of cultures where married adults do not exchange romantic or affectionate gestures in public or around other people.  Better that her daughter find someone who can respect her personal boundaries than force herself to be uncomfortable all of her married life.

Her flippant and cruel taunt about therapy was childishly hurtful.  Therapy has saved my life and greatly enriched the lives of many people I know.  I'm sure her daughter is in therapy to deal with issues surrounding the loss of her biological family, the loss of her culture, the trauma of an international adoption, and the stress of living with a family of complete strangers.  That's plenty of issues to work on that are far more serious than not liking public displays of affection.  Melissa needs to get some individual and group therapy herself to learn better skills to control her anger rather than vent on a hurt teenager.  

This next one boggles my mind coming from an experienced, successful home schooling parent:

Do not build expectations based around age. I wish we had established early on that we would make decisions and create expectations around currently exhibited skills. I love the way my friend, Alex, uses language such as, “Your behavior is communicating to me that you don’t feel safe enough or able to (insert something like "make your own food decisions" here). Let me help you this time and we’ll try again another time.” My tendency has been to frustratingly point out that kids their age should be able to follow a 2 step direction or copy a paragraph with minimal mistakes. We’ve also used words like “catch up” and “act like a big girl/boy” and “you SHOULD know that.” Bad ideas…even when your teenager showers with the shower curtain all.the.way open with no rug on the floor because the rug was hanging on the rod which, of course, made the curtain impossible to close.

A real benefit to home schooling that I believe in is that parent-teachers can meet their kids where they are functioning and help them move forward to the next level. Nearly every home schooling parent blog has at least post about how public schools are failing to meet their child exactly where they are at. (Ironically - so does Melissa. It's in reference to one of the adopted kids no less - but that's another blog post.)  When confronted with having to practice that level of adaption her home school, she decides to tell her teens how badly are doing compared to other teens their age to shame them into working harder.  That's unacceptable behavior for a teacher in a public school - and so much more hurtful when the teacher is also your adopted mother.

This last one made me laugh.  Melissa has spent a lot of time around home schooled teens - but maybe not so much the average teenager at home before adopting her teens.

Do not assume anything. The attitude-y body language drives me nuts just like the next mom, but when they totally deny it…ERRRG. I’ve actually come to the conclusion that they are usually completely clueless to how they come across. So all those redos and lectures about such behavior…totally lost and probably caused loads of relational damage since the accused parties honest-to-goodness think they are innocent.

I need to thank my parents again for ignoring and overlooking "attitude" body language.  Teenagers need some way to blow off the emotional energy created by every teen's beliefs that 1) their parents are overbearing and obnoxious, 2) no one understand them, and 3) life will be so much better once they are out of the house.   I'm willing to bet the teens knew that their body language was angry, grumpy, bored or checked-out; those types of body language are pretty universal.  What is equally important is that the parents -and teachers - pick their battles wisely.    I could care less if a student was slouched in their desk or spent the whole hour glaring at me - that's their choice and it's not hurting me or anyone else.

I agree battling over body language was pointless and counter-productive - but mainly because micromanagement of teenagers is a bad idea.

Well, those are the four that I found disconcerting.  The original post has six more issues the Corkums ran into.  Next, I'll look at a post that shows how teachers can say things that are heard very differently by the parents of a student who is having behavior issues at home.

Completely OT - but hey, that's the benefit of blogging - while this is being posted, I'll be at the doctor's office with a screaming 13.5 month old baby who needs 5 injections (two for RSV, one HepB, one MMRV and one polio) for the second month in a row.   Last month was two for RSV, one for HiB, one for HepA, and one for PCV-13.  I'd rather he have the transient pain of a shot than any of these diseases - but damn, I'll be glad when April rolls around and he's back to one or no shots at the doctor's office.