Personally, my solution to this problem is two-fold. First, I'm planning to let paid educational professional educate my kids - while I educate other people's kids. I get the irony - but I do best with secondary and post-secondary students learning science so my son will get a much more enjoyable and well rounded education from men and women who want to teach kids. Second, my husband helps out with our son before he goes to work and in the evenings when he is home along with helping out with home chores.
I can't even pretend I've created a revolutionary solution here; I'm modeling what my parents did when we were young. Alas, I've apparently been lead horribly astray in expecting that my husband would be an active participant in our family life.
I wonder how the scenario causes you to feel. You've been busy all day homeschooling, getting some laundry done, had an hour of cleaning, made all the meals, and now dinner is over. Your husband heads for his easy chair in the living room and kicks back with the newspaper, while you head to the kitchen to clean up after dinner.(pg. 90)
How I would feel would depend on lots of factors. I doubt I'd begrudge my husband some quiet time if our kids were old enough to help out with cleaning up after dinner - or if he was keeping an eye on the kids so that I could clean up without a tiny mob under my feet. Plus, my husband works at a physically demanding job while caring for my son and keeping a house is pretty lightweight work.On the flip side, if I was married to a man who clearly thought that housekeeping and child care was beneath him - or the sole responsibility of his "help meet" - I'd be very angry. Bringing in income to a family is very important - but it doesn't absolve a person of all responsibilities around the house.
"As our family grew, I had come to see if Steve as my help meet. I wanted him to help with dinner clean up in the evenings. I thought he should watch over the children while he was home. If he gave the children their baths some nights, I felt that was only fair. Certainly, his help putting the children to bed seems like a necessity to me.
The Lord had to bring me to Genesis 2:18, repeatedly, as He gently led me and learning my role as a wife. I was the help meet. Steve was not my help meet. (pg. 91)
The Lord had to bring me to Genesis 2:18, repeatedly, as He gently led me and learning my role as a wife. I was the help meet. Steve was not my help meet. (pg. 91)
My reading is that Steve has to answer a very simple question: does Steve want to be an adult or an infant? Adults can cook, clean, and care for children. Infants can do none of those options.
A related question is does Steve want to have his wife's undivided attention ever again? Small children are an insane amount of work. If Steve won't do anything around the house, his wife won't have time for him - ever. (I think we've found reason number 352 why CP/QF men complain incessantly about how little their wives want to have sex with them - she's literally too overworked and exhausted.)
CP/QF writers love Genesis 2:18 for keeping women from expecting help from their husbands. It's too bad that the Gospels make it clear that Jesus expects his followers to do good works - and gender doesn't matter.
I've wondered if this next section was added because Mrs. Maxwell realized that she made her husband sound like a complete ogre in the previous section.
Steve often lightens my load during the evening hours. He loves to spend those hours with the children. Many years ago, he took over the weekly grocery shopping so I could have an hour at home to myself with the "command" from him to take a bath. He puts the three little boys to bed each evening. However, his doing these tasks did not come because of my complaining to him or nagging him to do them. Rather, they were an extension of his love for me and a physical way of demonstrating it.
Viewing myself as a help meet was greatly beneficial to my meek and quiet spirit. I was able to serve joyfully, even if Steve wasn't working beside me. I no longer entertained expectations of what he should be doing when he was home with the children and me. In addition, it allowed me to be grateful for everything that Steve did that I considered helpful in my realm. (pg 91)
Viewing myself as a help meet was greatly beneficial to my meek and quiet spirit. I was able to serve joyfully, even if Steve wasn't working beside me. I no longer entertained expectations of what he should be doing when he was home with the children and me. In addition, it allowed me to be grateful for everything that Steve did that I considered helpful in my realm. (pg 91)
I think the Maxwells could have reached the same solution using another revolutionary technique called "talk to your spouse". My husband and I talk frequently about what needs to be done around the house and who will do it. He comes home early two days a week so I can go swimming at the local high school. I'll re-arrange my days so that I can watch our son in the evening so he can spend some time building musical instruments. Our method doesn't lead to as much martyrdom on my part - but we both like it.
It always feels like a lot of people who dismiss "women's work" as being less valid than "men's work" don't really get that both a working husband and a stay-at-home wife/mother have put in a day of work, especially so if the mom is homeschooling multiple children. He thinks he's tired and deserves some rest? So does she. Telling her that she doesn't deserve a helpmeet (or help) is just another way for patriarchy to oppress her.
ReplyDeleteI think part of the issue is that while women have been expected to pick up traditionally masculine things - like having a career out of the home for wages - some men have never been exposed to the sheer amount of effort it takes to keep a home and tend small children.
DeleteI've talked on the blog about how involved my dad was when we were kids. My father-in-law was (and still is) the complete opposite. He has never cooked an entire meal for a family. He does absolutely nothing around the house; on the second Christmas I knew my in-laws my father-in-law told my sister-in-law and I excitedly that "he had vacuumed the entire living room and dining room!" I didn't really know what to say because I wasn't sure how to praise a sixty-odd year old man for doing a chore that a strong 7 year old should be able to handle. And - now that I think about it - I've not heard of him doing anything else around the house in the intervening 5 years.
In terms of kids, he knows how to play with infants and toddlers and possibly spoon-feed an infant - but don't quote me on the feeding. No one remembers him changing a diaper. He never got up at night with any of the babies and never stayed home with a sick child. He's equally helpless with illness or injury. His grandfather of the year quote was when he and my husband were arguing over my husband's reduced work schedule while Jack was still on oxygen, a feeding tube and having severe reflux episodes with choking that required beginning infant CPR back-blows and my husband said something to the effect that someone needed to be with Jack who could do infant CPR he decided to reply "Well, how worried about that do you really have to be?" *blinks* I didn't know that there was a minimum answer of probability that my child will stop breathing in my arms that was acceptable - but there you go.
One of the best reasons to support parental leave for both parents is just this: it allows the both parent to be fully engaged with the child and learn how much work small kids are...
ReplyDeleteA college friend and her husband owned their own business so she took six months when their son was born then went back to work and her husband took the next six months. This allowed them a full year of being home with the kid.
The first day, the dad called me and said, "OMG, don't tell S. but I don't know if I can do this. It's so much work...."
I'm with you on that!
DeleteMy husband has been highly involved in my son's life so he understands why when he comes home some days I am like "I need to leave the house. Now. Sans baby. NOW."
I'm not sure why Mrs. Maxwell continually views children as her responsibility and hers alone. They both made the kids. They are both parents. I get that patriarchy tells women this is their job but logically it makes zero sense whatsoever.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it sounds very unsafe mentally and emotionally to expect someone to shoulder all the work for all children of all ages, including shopping for them (even though she's grateful he graced her with taking that chore -- but he can also give it back again whenever he feels like it), cooking, cleaning, homeschooling, nursing their sickness, etc. AND to never, ever expect her husband to help AND to see herself as HIS helper (which means I suppose that she's supposed to drop everything and run to do his bidding whenever he calls). How is that even possible for one person to do? I would think any psychologist worth their salt would say this is depression or maybe worse just waiting to happen.
I really don't understand the idea either.
DeleteMen have two responsibilities - an income and being a "spiritual leader" which is both nebulous and not terribly time consuming.
Women have at least six jobs - mother, teacher, housekeeper, quartermaster (because large families involve large-scale logistics), cook, and small-business owner - all on top of whatever her husband wants her to do.
It's insane - and really uneven.