Preparing Sons: Chapter 6 - Part Two

Welcome back to the second installment of Steven Maxwell's chapter on "Appetites"  in his instructional book "Preparing Sons to Provide for a Single-Income Family"! 

In the first section of the chapter, Steven lovingly detailed how childhood card games, downhill skiing and flying private planes will lead a person into financial ruin.  Ironically, the only example he gave of someone spending money irresponsibly was his anecdote about how he passive-aggressively convinced Teri to let him continue flying private planes when it was negatively affecting their ability to provide for their children.  Clearly,  the problem was with the desirability of planes, Steven's dad's choice to take little Steven flying, and Teri for letting Steven fly rather than Steven acting like a spoiled brat.

This section covers three known evils of modern America - movies, television, and professional sports!  Parents, guard your children!

The section on movies was brief and wonderfully filled with hyperbole.  I have chosen two delectable quotes for our discussion today:

Parents will spend money they don't have to go to movies they shouldn't see, setting a horrible example for their children to follow. (pg. 92)

Truthfully, I'm more concerned about Steven Maxwell's random comma placed after the word "see" than I am about my husband and I going to a movie a few times a year.   I don't view myself as being overly obsessed with commas but reviewing CP/QF books where commas are slung around all the time is starting to get to me.....

I'm curious how people buy tickets to the movies with money that they do not have.  Perhaps Mr. Maxwell is confusing the fact that many middle-class people use debit-credit cards in lieu of cash with the idea that people are using a line of credit to buy movie tickets.  More likely, Mr. Maxwell is struggling to find an argument that sounds plausible to a larger audience that bans cartoons, IMAX explorational films and biopics of exceptional people.   The standard cannard about avoiding swearing, violence and sexuality leaves flicks like "Moana", "Sherpa", and "Hidden Figures" available for families.  Trying to justify sheltering your kids from fraught cultural interactions or positive role models of African-American women is hard and highlights the isolationist, xenophobic and racist contexts of Maxwell's theology.  It's so much easier to blame money as the root of evil in movies.

Create a passion for entertainment in your child and it will be a lead weight, strapped to his back, keeping him from God's best. Give yourself and your children a life-long gift of extra money by starving the appetite to see movies. (pg. 93)

Maxwell has a weird assumption about human nature that he starts to elaborate here.  In Maxwell's worldview people will only do "good" things if they do not have access to "bad" things that will give them more enjoyment than the "good" things.  In MaxWorld, there are three classes of acceptable activities: working (which includes learning for the purpose of a career, housekeeping and childrearing), religious activities (including converting people and reading the Bible), and spending time with close relatives.  That's it; there are no other acceptable activities.    Apparently no one - NO ONE - has the maturity or willpower to do needed activities before doing fun things. 

That life-long gift of cash from not seeing movies is a whopping total of $30.00 dollars in the last two years for my husband and I.   The saddest thing is that $30.00 is make-or-break for a lot of CP/QF families because large to massive family sizes on a single income earner who has not attended college makes budgeting really hard.

Maxwell moves from movies to the next humbug of very conservative Christians: the television!  He regurgitates the standard fears of violence, nudity and bad language before launching into the next quote.

Let's look at one seemingly harmless aspect of TV -- watching game shows. Could it be that the game- show seeds planted through the years are now sprouting into the gambling and lottery craze that has swept our country? The thrill of seeing people "come on down" and win truckloads of wonderful items without having to work leaves a powerful impression. Might a son's desire to work for his needs to be replaced by the fantasy of winning the jackpot? (pg. 93)

*snorts*

I have to give him credit for originality; I've never heard anyone link game shows to the decline of the American work ethic before.

On the other hand, Maxwell has no support for his hypothesis at all.   "The Price is Right!" - alluded to by the "come on down!" reference - has been on the USA since 1972.  If it is causing the amount of gambling and lotteries to increase, that should be easy enough to prove.  A basic graph of number of people watching game shows compared with the amount of people gambling would do the trick or a study that connects the two.  There would also need to be a graph of number of people gambling combined with local unemployment and welfare rolls.   Since all of this is missing, my assumption is that the data doesn't support his hypothesis.

This is an example of a disturbing returning theme in Steven Maxwell's writings.  He consistently devalues the work of women.  Oh, he mentions helping out around the house  but in a later chapter he implies that his sons will not need to do household chores once they are married.   Steven Maxwell expects sons and daughters to be home-schooled by mothers but implies that the real manly work of career training is more important than the useless domain of academics taught by women.  How does this fit in this section?  "The Price is Right!" rewards people for being able to correctly estimate the price of various items from groceries to living room furniture to vacations.  Women in CP/QF families often do the majority of budgeting and shopping for their families.  Steven Maxwell is  so oblivious to the skill set involved in estimating prices on the fly that he claims "The Price is Right!"gives prizes away for free.

If he's really worried that his son is dreaming about making a ton of money off game shows for no work, there's a fine article from "Cracked" that will set the kids straight.  Problem solved.

The last pet-peeve o'Steve for today is professional sports.  This first quote shows the danger of uncontrolled hyperbole:

Sports seem to be the number one passion of the American male, in and out of the church. Is there anything truly beneficial about spectator sports? It is extremely hard to come up with any benefit gained from watching sports. At best sports are an absolute waste of the precious time we have on Earth; at worst, idolatry. (pg. 94)

Here's the issue.  The Maxwell Clan has all sorts of shticks for luring in people to convert. 

They use the tried-and-true "Bother Service Workers Who Can't Get Away" method.  (As a former cashier,  I hated people who used the fact that I couldn't run away or cuss them out to give me tracts or lectures on being saved.) 

They hit up the neighbors yearly under the guise of caroling - but at least they bring baked goods, too. 

Their youngest daughter helps children worship idols.  No, seriously.  The fourth picture from the bottom is of Mary with her arm around a boy who she painted KC Royals logos on each of his cheeks.   The caption states that those logos were really popular. 

Apparently, supporting idol worship in children is a minor price to pay for the off-chance that face-painting will morph into a chance to share Jesus with people.

This last quote is amazing:

By watching and attending spectator sports, consider the appetite you will be giving your son to want to be a sports star. He will spend his time dreaming towards and perhaps even preparing to be a professional athlete. His hours could instead be used for learning productive life skills and in Christian service.

If you shelter your son from alcohol at home, what happens at sporting events? Your child will watch those around him enjoying their beer with great gusto. Might he possibly develop a secret appetite for what is "forbidden" as he quietly observes his fellow sports fans? Consider what such an appetite will cost him financially should he indulge it once he is no longer under your authority. Would a Christian father really want to expose his son to the possibility of developing this appetite? (pgs 94-95)

Maxwell wants parents to save their children from the pie-in-the-sky dream of being a professional athlete!  I never dreamed of being a professional athlete because when I was a kid there weren't any professional women's sports teams - but I did dream about playing sports in high school and college.

 Take a wild guess what cured me of my athletic dreams.

If you answered "playing sports" - you're smarter than Steven Maxwell! 

Playing team sports tends to give most people a realistic ranking of their skills compared to other athletes the same age.  I learned quickly that in middle/junior high school sports my absolute lack of natural athletic talent could be overcome through extra practice, determination, and working as hard as I could.  By 7th and 8th grade, I realized that my volleyball, basketball, and softball skills were not strong enough make a high school team even if I trained year round.  My soccer skills were good enough for me to make the freshman soccer team but I was weak enough that I would need to focus solely on soccer year-round and retrain as a defender instead of a goalie to make the junior varsity or varsity teams. 

Why doesn't Maxwell bring this up?  Mainly because he hates kids playing team sports with a passion better reserved for real issues like poverty . 

Maxwell's horror story of how professional sports will lead to alcoholism and financial ruin is wonderfully overwrought.  The family I grew up in made a 6-pack last for months.  My dad would grab one when one of his brothers was coming over for a weekend visit.  Each adult male would drink a single beer while watching a football or hockey game, then fall asleep in their chair.  Occasionally the women would drink a beer or a wine cooler but they'd often be off looking at antiques, quilting or simply making fun of the guys for falling asleep after part of one beer.  Eventually, my parents would use the remaining 4 beers while cooking or another family gathering would roll around.

We were also exposed to professional sports.  My parents also took us up to Muskegon once or twice a winter to watch one of the Red Wings' feeder teams known as the Muskegon Fury play a hockey game.  We had so much fun!   I suppose there were people drinking there but I don't remember anyone getting drunk near us - mainly because I wouldn't have known what a drunk person looked like until I was in high school.    I do remember seeing drunk guys at the Fury or the White Caps when I was in high school - but honestly they looked more gross than anything else.

Long story short:  I'm extremely skeptical that kids coming from a family that drinks little or no alcohol are suddenly going to take up drinking alcohol in copious amounts simply because they saw people drinking at a sports event.

For our game:
3.Movies = D. Bankrupting, Terrible Example to Children;
4. TV Game Shows = H. Undermines US Work Ethic;
5. Professional Sports = F. Leads Children to Drinking and Financial Ruin

The next post in the series will be devoted to exploring the soul-sucking ruin that is youth team sports.

I am going to be traveling with my son to see family in Pennsylvania this weekend so my posting schedule might be disrupted....or not.  It really depends on how the baby travels :-).

Maidens of Virtue: Chapter 12

In Chapter 12, readers are treated to a moralistic story about trusting God's Plans - which means believing wholeheartedly in Dad's latest idea for the family. 

This story feels sinister to me and I couldn't figure out why at first.  Later, I realized that this is a cleaned-up version of the time Mike Pearl moved his family to rural Tennessee to avoid CPS.   That worked out really well for the family; he had no source of income after the move so the family was living on raw milk, cabbage, wheat and either canned tuna or cat food.

Hannah had always wanted to live in the country, yet when her father quit his job and announced to the family that they were moving to Tennessee, and they were going to live on the family farm they had inherited, she hardly knew what to think. At first she thought her prayers have been answered. Finally she was going to taste fresh milk and raise chickens. No more neighborhood living for her! She was finally going to be free to breathe the fresh air and gather bouquets of wildflowers in the spring. She wondered if people who live in the country really walk barefoot through clear running streams like they do in the book she had read.(pg. 111)

The first paragraph of the story is filled with red flags.  Successful farms generally have transition planning.  That's the term to describe how one owner/operator of a farm retires from operating the farm and passes the farm off to the next owner/operator.  There are millions of good options for transition planning - but this family missed them all!  Hannah's Dad is working off the farm far enough away that he will have to move his family to take over the farm.  He's not running any of the farm operations.   Essentially, he's making a mid-life career change when the person who previously ran the farm died.  Is the farm operational?  Is it profitable?  Can it support Hannah's family?  We have no idea - and that's scary.

Equally bizarre is the fact that Hannah's family has never visited this farm since Hannah is old enough to remember.  If they had, she would have had ample opportunities to taste fresh milk, be around chickens and gather wildflowers in any season but winter.   Farmers love to show off their animals; it's a compulsion.  Every time we had visitors at my in-laws' house on the main farm they would be offered a tour of the milking operation and to see my chickens.   Pride is a strong motivator - plus there are always chores to be done.  If I could combine socializing with feeding and watering the chickens, I'd do that.

Hannah's books have not prepared her well for country life.  Streams near farms tend to be silty from the natural substrate of soil.  Fresh country air generally smells like some combination of manure, rotting vegetation, and diesel fumes.  Fresh milk tastes pretty close to pasteurized milk but causes more incidences of food poisoning.  On the other hand, fresh eggs are awesome!  Picking wildflowers is fun - but she missed the hours of weeding and harvesting in the garden.

So if this was a dream come true, why did she feel so restless? She snuggled deep under her warm covers and try to ignore the fleeting feelings of fear and discontent that disturbed her. What about her friend, Rose? Would she ever see their family again? She looked around at the walls of her room - - this was the only home she had ever known. What would it be like living somewhere else? What if she never had another friend as long as she lived? Were there spiders and snakes in the country? (pg. 111)

These are normal concerns for a kid to have before moving.  The concerns are never addressed again in the story - so who knows?  Maybe she'll be friends with Rose or maybe her family is excited about more fully isolating their kids.  Maybe their new home will be a rambling farmhouse with modern amenities or maybe the farmhouse is falling apart and unfit for habitation.

And yes, Hannah, there are both spiders and snakes in Tennessee.  Depending on where she's moving from there could be more of each types.  Some parts of Tennessee even have venomous snakes - but not highly dangerous one.  The bites are more like the Massasauga rattlers we have here in Michigan - painful but generally non-lethal.

She had noticed the concerned expression on her mother's face as he made the announcement to the family. Hannah wondered if her father was making a mistake. Surely her mother would never have said she thought so in front of the children. Maybe her father had made a rash decision and was stepping outside of God's will. Was that possible? What if Papa was leading the whole family into a desperate situation? The cold hand of fear and doubt gripped her heart. Her peace melted along with her trust in her contentment. (pgs. 111-112)

My curiosity has been piqued.  Did Hannah's Dad discuss his life-changing series of choices with his wife before he quit his job and decided to move the family to a farm?  I know that CP/QF families pride themselves on instant complete submission to the whims of the male head - but that's no excuse for basic respect between spouses!  Hannah's Mom at least deserved a chance to battle her emotions in private before letting the kids know about the plan.

I don't remember ever worrying that my parents were making a rash decision - let alone a decision that could lead us all into crushing poverty - during my childhood or teenage years.  My parents are both sane adults who thought out the ramifications of various options before acting on them.  Hannah's family sounds less stable.  Has the family been through bad times because of rash decision making before?  Is this an example of acquired fear from seeing other CP/QF families made financially ruinous decisions?

I skipped the next paragraph and a half that can be summarized as "Hannah got out of bed and went downstairs".  She finds her parents praying in the living room which is a bit foreign to my life experience.....

Quietly she looked around the corner and found her parents praying and thanking God. Hannah heard her mother's broken voice asking for forgiveness for doubting God sovereignty and trusting the riches of a secular job more than the riches of God's provision.

Hannah watched as her father raised his hands to Heaven, thanking God for his family. She listened as he ask God to forgive his sins and as he prayed fervently for God's direction. Hannah's father beseeched God for his beloved bride and for each of their children. (pg. 112)

See, God's sovereignty only counts when manly men become self-employed in a field that combines crushing physical labor with volatile price fluctuations.   When God provides a man with a steady income through a job that allows him to support his family, God is no longer sovereign!  In fact, when a person is offered a good job, the only moral option is to scream "No!  I will not allow God's sovereignty to be impugned!" and flee like the wind.  *rolls eyes*

So....I don't think Mrs. McDonald understands what divine sovereignty means because I'm quite certain the Christian concept of divine sovereignty cannot be overtopped because a woman is worried that her husband is making a dumb choice.

Mostly off-topic: the Catholic Church requires that theological books be inspected by a bishop and approved prior to publication.  I always thought that was overkill - and still do mostly -but I'm starting to understand the rationale.

I hope Hannah's Dad was beseeching God for guidance and direction before he quit his job.....

Hannah knew those earlier doubts didn't matter now. God had called Hannah's family to live elsewhere; and she would trust Him, trust her father, and be content with His choice. She knew from Scripture that God orchestrates our lives and his plans are good - -and that Daddy was praying. Hannah hurried back to bed and snuggle deep under the handmade quilt she loved. Then she closed her eyes and tried to imagine the taste of fresh milk. (pg. 112)

And that's the end of the chapter.  Hannah's completely convinced and comforted because she saw a few minutes of her parents praying.  The fact that her mother had gone from worried to crushed at her lack of faith in a few hours isn't worrisome to Hannah; her family is apparently always emotionally labile.  Has Hannah worked through her worries about moving away from her one friend Rose or the fact that there are snakes?  Nope, Hannah's already perfecting the CP/QF womanly art of stuffing unpleasant or inconvenient emotions deep down inside her.

Samaritan Ministries is Going to Kill Someone - Part Two

In the first post in this series, I discussed the scary requirement that women who have ectopic pregnancies while on Samaritan Minstries health-care cost-sharing plan undergo "watchful waiting" and forego removal of the pregnancy until either the fallopian tube ruptures or the baby's heartbeat stops.   This is extremely dangerous for the mother because a ruptured fallopian tube can cause massive internal bleeding - and makes no difference in the outcome for the baby because the longest a pregnancy can survive in a fallopian tube before a rupture is 16 weeks which is two months prior to viability.

There are two other items in the "Maternity and Newborn Care" section of Samaritan Ministries that give me pause - and I need to give some background on how coverage works to explain my concerns.

Samaritan Ministries has two levels of cost-sharing coverage available.  The cheaper version is called "Samaritan Basic".  In return for a lower monthly cost-share amount, families have an inital deductible of $1,5000 for each medical issue that they need to cover (or have discounted by the doctor) before needs can be shared.  Once that basic benchmark is reached, 90% of the remaining cost is covered.  The older version is still available as "Samaritan Basic" and for ~$200 more a month, families receive a lower deductible of $300 a month and 100% of the remaining need is covered.

Here are the two sections that concern me:

Home Births—Home births have the $300 Samaritan Classic and $1,500 Samaritan Basic initial unshareable amount waived, and are not subject to prorating (see Section VI.D) because they reduce overall maternity costs.

After Cesarean—The $300/$1,500 initial unshareable amount is waived for a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC).

I have grave concerns about the morality of offering women a monetary reward in exchanged for increased risk during labor and delivery.

I believe that home births should be legal - but I also believe that women should be informed of the much higher rates of injury and death for both the infant and mother in the rare case that a condition or situation occurs where rapid, trained medical care is needed.  The vast majority of home births will end with a healthy baby and a healthy mother because statistically most births are uncomplicated.  The tricky bit is that there is no way to screen pregnant women perfectly to determine who will be able to deliver at home safely and who will have a delivery complication prior to delivery. 

 Within the CP/QF community, Jill (Duggar) Dilard and Jessa (Duggar) Seewald have attempted four home births - and ended up hospitalized after three of them.

Jill had her water break with Israel and was in labor for 48 hours at home before going to the hospital.  (Laboring for 48 hours after membranes have ruptured without medical care is a bad idea;  the longer the membranes have been ruptured the higher the risk of an infection beginning that could have bad outcomes for Israel.)  At the hospital, Jill and Derick were surprised to find out that Israel was in a breech position that could not be delivered vaginally.  Jill had an uncomplicated C-section with Israel.

Jessa's labor with Spurgeon was straightforward if extremely painful.  The baby was delivered without any problems, but Jessa lost a lot of blood when the placenta was being delivered.  Her blood loss was severe enough that she had to be transfered to a local hospital for treatment.  Thankfully, she didn't have any retained placenta pieces and the bleeding stopped easily.  Now, the Duggar spin is that the blood transfusion she received the next day was simply a precaution because she was really tired after birth - but blood transfusions are never a standard occurance after giving birth.   By comparison, I came into the hospital with poor blood volume due to HELLP syndrome when my son was born, bled fairly little during his C-section and never needed a transfusion.  Don't get me wrong; I felt like shit-warmed-over for the first week after his birth and needed wheelchair transportation if I was going farther than a few hundred feet - but Jessa Seewald was worse off than I was.

From my point of view, telling pregnant women that they should giving birth away from trained medical professionals, pain relief, antibiotics, blood transfusions, operating rooms and emergency support for their newborn to save money is absolutely sick.

There's a question I have as well - will Samaritan cover the entire medical cost of a home birth gone wrong without proration, deductibles or maximum?   As nasty as home birth side-effects can be for mothers, the side-effects for babies can be catastrophic.  When a baby is born after oxygen deprivation or meconium inhalation, the medical treatments add up fast: three days of full-body cooling with 1:1 or 2:1 nurse to baby supervison, oxygen support through a ventilator, CPAP, or ECMO, neurological testing, blood work, dealing with feeding issues... a baby can rack up $10,000-$50,000 in charges per day.  Don't forget:  Samaritan - unlike commerical health insurance or  Medicare  - doesn't cover durable medical equipment once the kid is discharged.  My son went home on a medical-grade monitor and oxygen from a concentrator.  Those are rented at $300 per month each.  That doesn't include the disposable items he needed like nasal cannulas, NG tubes, specialized tapes to stick both to his face.    Samaritan does cover 45 days of home nursing care - which won't last long a baby goes home on a ventilator. 

The second issue surrounds vaginal births after C-sections which is shortened to VBACs.   VBACs carry a higher risk of side-effects to both the mother and infant.  The most concerning issue is that the scar from the previous C-section will rupture.  To qualify for a VBAC, women need to have a scar that is entirely contained in the lower section of the uterus.  These type of scars have a 1% chance of rupture during a VBAC so women who want to attempt a VBAC need to do so in a hospital where the baby can be monitored and an emergency C-section can be done if a rupture occurs.  A uterine rupture carries a higher risk of postpartum bleeding leading to a transfusion or an emergency hysterectomy.  Very rarely, the baby suffers injury or death from oxygen deprivation between when the rupture occurs and when the baby can be delivered by C-section despite being in the hospital.

I would hate for a woman to feel compelled to try a VBAC for finanical reasons; that seems cruel to risk serious complications because a family badly needs money for other things. 

My largest concern is for women who decide to try a VBAC at home.   Having a VBAC in the hospital mitigates the risks of bleeding and rupture by having an operating room and mass blood tranfusion protocol immediately available if the baby shows signs of distress.   Havign a VBAC at home raises the risk factor exponentially.  First - not all women who have had a C-section are good candidates for a VBAC.  Because my son was born very early, I have a scar that reaches into the upper section of the uterus.  These types of scars have between a 6-12% chance of rupture during labor.  Spacing between babies is also important for VBAC candidates; a pregnancy conceived earlier than 18 months-2 years after a C-section more likely to have a uterine rupture because the scar didn't have time to fully heal before being stressed by the next pregnancies.  Since home birth attendants are almost never OB/GYNs or CNMs in the US, mothers who are being cared for by non-medical professionals prior to a home birth may not be screened appropriately.  Second - if a rupture or catastrophic bleeding occurs, precious time is wasted in transporting the mother to a hospital, getting her stabilized and starting a C-section.   This can directly lead to the death of the baby or the mother.

Preparing Sons: Chapter Six - Part One

There is a normal stage of development that kids go through where they assume that everything done by their family and everything they personally like is "good" or "normal" while everything done by other people that is different or that they don't like is "bad" or "abnormal".

I hit that stage when I was around 7.  Due to some unusual external circumstances, the vast majority of friends I had were fluent in English plus they used one other language at home.  The language varied from ASL at our house to Spanish, Vietnamese, Polish or Dutch.

When I found out that most of my classmates spoke English and only English, I was horrified.  Why weren't their parents teaching them a second language at home?  How could they communicate with their deaf sibling/cousin/niece/nephew?  How could they communicate with their grandparents who lived overseas?   I couldn't believe that their parents were being so cavialier with second-language acquisition and the family relationships that language maintained.

By the time I was in junior high, I realized that my family and our friends were different than most other families in the area.  Most of my school mates came from families that had been in the US for three generations or more.  Their families had stopped using any language besides English several generations ago.  Also, deafness was far more rare than I had thought it was.   I understood why families did different things with language - and I accepted that their way of doing things was as "right" as my way.

This chapter makes it clear that Steven Maxwell is still working making decisions at a seven-year-old level of comprehension.  The world according to Maxwell is divided into different levels of "good" and "bad" actions:

• Most Moral:  Church-related items (tracting, performing at nursing homes or homeless shelters etc.)
• Morally Acceptable: Steven Maxwell's current hobbies (running, exercising, weight lifting)
• Mildly Unacceptable: Hobbies Steven Maxwell has given up (recreational vehicle ownership and use)
• Solidly Immoral: Hobbies that Maxwell views as being crude or beneath him (Hunting or fishing, professional sports, gambling, alcohol use)
• Ragingly Immoral: Any hobby that Maxwell feels loosens his control over his family (Youth sports, all forms of visual media)

The chapter itself begins with an ancedote that my husband and I reference as "Penny Pete's slide into HELL!":

When Randy was 5, his mother taught him to play a little card game. It was called " Penny Pat", having the objective of winning the other person's pennies. What started out as an innocent gesture of love by mother desiring to spend time with her son soon let her son to a passion for gambling. Within years he was addicted. School held little interest. Seemingly an innocuous game led to an enslaving passion. How would this have affected Randy's ability to care for his family had Randy, as an adult, not come to know Jesus Christ as his Savior and then freed from the chains of gambling? (pg 86)

Wow!  My state spends millions of dollars each year funding help for problem gamblers - but the real solution is "don't play card games with 5 year-olds!"  The solution is so clear now!

The really ironic point is that Randy was never a problem gambler from a close read of the story.  Randy's story has three time points:

• During childhood, Randy played a card game where he won pennies.
• During his teenage years, Randy found that gambling with friends was more fun than school work.
• As an adult, Randy found Christ and gave up gambling - along with other hot-button issues like drinking alcohol and all forms of dancing.

If Randy was a problem gambler, Steve would have one (or more) time points that have painful recollections like "Randy lost his tution playing online poker" or "Randy couldn't pay the heating bill one winter because of his gambling debts."  Randy is a normal person.  He was exposed to some form of gambling as a kid.  He liked card games more than schooling as a teen.  As an adult, he could choose to avoid problematic behaviors around gambling.  Hell, I fit that story line except that we didn't play cards for pennies; no, my dad would buy us scratch-and-win lotto tickets because we loved scratching the shiny silver stuff off with pennies.  One of my sibings may have won once - but I'm not even sure about that and the total winning was like $5.00.

Personally, I don't recommend gambling with children - but more because it takes fun games and turns them into high-stakes nightmares for kids who are still working on emotional regulation.  As an adult, gambling doesn't appeal to me - mainly because I enjoy  the process of scratching off the shiny material with a coin more than I like winning $5.00 from the ticket.

The next anecdote includes Steven Maxwell holding himself as a great example of how to avoid potentially ruinous activities:

Teri and I have chosen never to try downhill skiing. Is skiing sinful? No, of course not! Perhaps we thought it would not be fun? No. We knew it would be an exciting way to enjoy the winter outdoors. However, friends have told us how expensive a hobby skiing is, and we saw no reason to create an appetite in ourselves for it. (pg. 86)

Alrighty then.  We now know that the Maxwell Family Adults can't be trusted to determine if an activity fits into their yearly budget and cannot figure out how to do that activity as cheaply as possible.  Duly noted.

For the rest of the universe: Any hobby can be expensive.  One of my favorite episodes of "Malcolm in the Middle" - which seems to be loosely based on my family :-) - involves the father, Hal, getting involved with "Dance, Dance Revolution" team competitions at a local arcade and spending $150 on dance shoes to improve his pencil turns.   

Downhill skiing can be expensive - but not prohibitively expensive for a family of five on the salary of an engineer.  Assuming Teri and Steve went skiing in my local area of Michigan, a lift ticket and ski rentals would run between $50-60 depending on day of the week and time.    Yup, downhill skis can be expensive to own and skiing clothing gets pricey quick.  Of course, if you buy the skiis and poles second-hand, buy new boots that you wear for 10-15 years and buy off-brand hunting clothing that is windproof, you can outfit yourself for a fraction of the price.   

I love cross-country skiing and have outfitted myself affordably.  I purchased boots for $60.00 online from the manufacter at the end of the season, got a used pair of skis for $30.00, replaced my original pair of poles for $15.00 and bought adult snow pants for $19.99 in the hunting section instead of $99.00 in the skiing section.  The boots will last me for at least 10 years, the skiis may outlast me, the snow pants are in their 5th season and the poles are usually good for 10-15 years.  Likewise, I love to swim.  I buy 3-4 swimsuits during end-of-season markdowns yearly for $30 a piece and stock up on goggles and swim caps when they are on sale.  Plus, both are a good investment for my physical health since they encourage me to exercise 6 times a week and for my mental health by getting me out of the house and in nature or with other people.

The next ancedote shows how nothing is ever really the fault of Steven Maxwell - or any other patriarch in CP/QF families.  (I skipped a paragraph in the middle filled with Bible verses about "God's best".  You're welcome :-) )

Flying small private planes with a passion for me. I acquired my appetite for flying from my father. I fed it, and it became a passion. Twenty years ago my Lord Jesus told me no more flying. God spoke to my heart about discontinuing since I had to take a significant amount of our limited family income to fly each month. There is nothing sinful about flying; it just wasn't God's best for me.

[...]

Even though a wife agrees to the expenditure doesn't mean she believes it is God's best use for the money. When I was spending the family's money on flying, it was okay with Teri . She said, "Yes," because she loved me and wanted me to be happy.

Some men may whine and subtly pout when they don't get their way. Eventually the wife will say, "Go ahead". In a flash we have spent the money with our wives' " full" blessing. We must remember, though: even if we can finagle our wives into agreeing it doesn't mean that it's the Lord's will. (pg. 87)

So....Steven Maxwell's love of flying small planes was the fault of his father for taking him flying as a kid - and Teri Maxwell for giving into Steve Maxwell's whining and sulking.    The rationale reminds me more of arguments I've heard from immature freshmen in high school than adult men - and the kids who made these kind of arguments often had much less successful trajectories than kids who said "Yup.  I screwed up.  I'll try to do better next time."

Flying private planes is really expensive - like $125 an hour with a mininum of 2 hrs expensive.  The weird oversight is that having a pilot's license and keeping it up-to-date can be helpful in entering aerospace engineering.  I have a cousin who works in aviation engineering.  He got a small-aircraft license while in college and budgeted to get enough hours in a plane to maintain his license while he was looking for work in aviation engineering.  When he received a job at the company he wanted, he found out that his flight experience and license had been a major factor in separating him out from other candidates.

Steven behaved like a jerk - but even jerks make smart career choices sometimes.

Realizing the seriousness of my influence on my children, I tried to carefully guard the appetites that are stirred within them. We must understand that our children's lives will not be ruined if they miss out on some fun experiences. For example, there have been opportunities for my children to go for a private plane ride or a motorcycle ride. I have not pursued any of those offers. Would they have had fun? Absolutely! However, I know that they would have come away " hooked" with an appetite for something that God might not have directed to be part of their lives. I would love to see God lead one of my children to be a missionary pilot, but I won't take the chance of stirring up a " flying" appetite unless God very clearly directs. (pg. 88)

*raises hand*
I have a question.  Can any of your kids afford to pay $250.00 for a two-hour plane rental?  No?  Then what on earth are you worrying about?

My dad grew up in a family of 8 kids on a railway worker salary.  One of my aunts always wanted a horse - and her siblings were pretty blunt that that would never happen.  Well, my aunt has owned four horses that I remember on a librarian's salary.  She's never married - but she also probably has high functioning autism severe enough that living with a husband or kids would be extremely stressful for her.  I feel strongly that she's following God's will for her life; she's a loving owner to her horses and the horses keep her around other people who she likes.  She also rescues collies and an occasional completely crazy cat or two.  (I like her cats - but my family attracts completely psychotic cats....)

I don't think Steven Maxwell has listened to God's calls for his family very well.  He smothered Christopher's desire to be an EMT and didn't steer Christopher to attend college to get a graphic design degree when Christopher was interested in that area. Instead, Christopher launched a design company that failed within a few years.  Christopher is allowed to be a photographer for weddings - but Sarah's the family member who has a real knack for taking photos.  Sarah, on the other hand, is slotted as the family author of children's books - but Teri has the best writing ability of the family.  Since Nathan did well in computers, the other sons have been pushed to follow that lead.  It seems to be working for Joseph - but John's running a dead-on-arrivial agriculture site along with selling homes. 

Oh, well.  Not much I can do about it.

So far, we've learned that "Childhood Card Games = Enslaving Passion" (5. A), that "Downhill Skiing = Possibly Spending Money!" (2. B).   In the next post, we'll learn about movies, TV, and professional sports.

Warm-Up Game for the Next Preparing Sons Chapter!

Whoo-hoo!  The next chapter in "Preparing Sons for To Provide for a Single Income Family" by Steven Maxwell is my absolute favorite chapter of all CP/QF books I've read so far.

Maxwell blesses us by letting us know about nine separate activities that will lead your family down the road to perdition! 

I've collected the nine activities and paraphrased lightly the outcomes for each.  It is up to you to match the activity and the outcome!

The answers for each will be revealed in the post covering each activity.  This chapter is such a hoot that it will last for several weeks because there is so much crazy-crazy material that I've gotta divide it into smaller chunks.

Have fun!

Samaritan Ministry Is Going To Kill Someone: Part 1

Years ago - back when I was teaching full time at a high school - I ran into Samaritan Ministries through a reference on one blog or another.   Samaritan is a member to member health insurance cost sharing plan for Christians who want emulate how the early Christians lived.  The basic idea is pretty simple: instead of sending a policy payment to an insurance company every month, members send their monthly payment to a member who has had a large medical bill.  The member uses that money to pay the providers and everyone is happy.

Back then, there was only the plan that is referred to as "Samaritan Classic" now.  Members had a $500 deductible on each medical issue then the rest of the cost of treatment could be reimbursed up to $250,000.  The plan has some exclusions around sexual health in that abortions, problems resultant from an abortion and STD testing were excluded from being funded.  At the time, my only concern was for women or men who had a spouse who had an affair and needed to get STD testing because of that; it felt like punishing the innocent spouse.  My gut assumption was that people who were attracted to Samaritan would not be seeking abortions for any reason.

Fast forward to last month when I got pulled into the rabbit hole again when researching something about the Maxwell Family businesses pulled up a blog post on how Samaritan Ministries covered the medical bills for Nathan Maxwell's daughters Susannah (who was born with terminal brain damage from unknown causes) and Abigail. 

As I was looking at their section on  "Maternity and Newborn Care", I saw three sections that scared me from a medical standpoint: ectopic pregnancies, home births and vaginal births after cesarian -sections (VBACs).  This post will cover ectopic pregnancies.

Ectopic Pregnancies:
An ectopic pregnancy is a pregnancy that implants anywhere outside of the uterus.  The most common site for ectopic pregnancies is the fallopian tube - but rarely it occurs on the ovary, the outside of the uterus, the intestines or the cervix.  Fallopian tube ectopic pregnancies will either end when the fetus dies from lack of blood supply or will end when the fallopian tube ruptures causing the fetus to bleed to death when the placenta detaches long before viability is reached.  The danger with a tubal rupture is that it can cause massive internal bleeding for the mother and often requires a more complicated surgery to stop the bleeding and mitigate the damage to the mother's reproductive system.  Women do die in developed nations from ectopic pregnancies but it is rare because doctors  treat ectopic pregnancies by chemical or surgical removal as soon as they are diagnosed.  In developing nations, the fatality rate of diagnosed ectopic pregnancies is around 3% - and is probably higher since women who die away from medical facilities would not be reported.

To be clear, NO pregnancies have survived to viability from a fallopian tube ectopic pregnancy.  A handful of ectopic pregnancies outside of the fallopian tube have surivied to viability - but the most common outcome is fetal death from lack of blood supply.  Delivery of an ectopic pregnancy outside of the fallopian tube is a life-threatening surgery for the mother; the placenta has infiltrated blood vessels of organs that do not have the muscular response to contract when the placenta is removed.  This can lead to catastrophic bleeding that has lead to maternal death - and can do so long before viabilty is reached.

 Samaritan's Policies:

Expenses Shared—Procedures related to a ruptured fallopian tube (including post-operative recovery of the mother, follow-up care, and treatment of any complications), and, where an ectopic pregnancy is diagnosed before a rupture, all pre-operative tests and consultations and expenses related to keeping the mother under medical care while determining what care should be offered for the mother and child.

  Expenses Not Shared—Procedures directly related to the termination of a living, unborn child and/or removal of the living, unborn child from the mother due to an ectopic pregnancy are not shared (e.g. methotrexate, salpingectomy, salpingostomy), unless the removal of the child from its ectopic location was for the primary purpose of saving the life of the child or improving the health of the child.

Issues: Samaritan is mandating that women choose the popular among QF Evangelical route of "Watchful Waiting" where women diagnosed with ectopic pregnancies wait until either the fallopian tube ruptures (or something similar if it is another organ) or the baby dies before removing the pregnancy.

This is a horrible idea based on flawed premises.  The rationale goes that women in the US and Europe have a really low rate of mortality from ectopic pregnancies so it's not dangerous for women to put off treatment of an ectopic pregnancy as long as they are being carefully monitored by their doctors.

The reason that developed nations have low rates of mortality is because doctors interviene in ectopic pregnancies prior to rupture - even if the fetus is still alive.  I'm Catholic and the Catholic Church has recognized this basic principle for as long as doctors have been able to diagnose ectopic pregnancies.  There is no chance of survivial for the fetus and ~25% chance of a potentially lethal rupture for the mother so the Church allows for the fallopian tube to be removed.  Yes, this kills the baby - but the purpose of the surgery is not to kill the baby but to prevent a ruptured tube so it is not immoral.  I find the rationale a bit hackneyed - but women have an option to end the pregnancy.

The QF believers will reply "But we don't really know how long a Fallopian pregnancy can survive because doctors won't let nature take its course!"

Here's a sane reply: Ectopic pregnancies have been killing women for centuries.  Doctors have been doing autopsies on dead women for 150 years.  They've collected plenty of data from dead women with dead babies that shows that ectopic pregnancies in the fallopian tubes will rupture by 16 weeks and that the later the rupture happens the higher chance of maternal mortality or injury. 

OB/GYNs like babies.  They like delivering healthy babies to healthy mamas.  They would love to figure out how to save ectopic pregnancies - but it's not possible until we can build a placenta from scratch and attach it in the right place.

There will be another post on this topic soon. :-)

Maidens of Virtue: Chapter Eleven

"Loving Your Own Nest" in "Maidens of Virtue" by Stacy McDonald  reads like a standard testimonial of loving your mob of small children in spite of the mess and chaos that make.  It's got the standard spiel: a woman feels overwhelmed after comparing her life to the life of a friend whose children are grown.  She dreams of how much easier her life would be in the absence of children - but remembers that Bible bit about how children are a blessing.  She wouldn't want to give up any of the kids so she stuffs down all of the hard emotions and soldiers on.

It's a standard spiel - but this chapter wasn't written by Stacy McDonald about her children; it was written by her second daughter about her life as a full-time caregiver to her younger siblings. 

Yes, not only does Stacy McDonald hand off entire chunks of child-rearing (including cleaning up after the young ones) to her daughters - she also uses deeply personal writings by those daughters to sell books.  #mom_of_the_year

The chapter starts with the standard slap at non-homeschooling families that try to interact with her kids:

We teach our children that is an honor and a privilege to serve one another, but there are well-meaning folks who ask our children baffling questions like, " So what do you do for fun?" " You mean you spend your weekends with your family?" " You mean you like being around your brothers and sisters?" Since we require more from our children than the average modern parent expects, it is not surprising when restlessness and discontent attempt to enter the hearts of our children.

When she was still in her teens, our second oldest daughter, Tiffany, shared the following testimony of her own struggle with contentment: (pg. 105)

*sighs*

The question "What do you do for fun?" is one of those mindless but safe questions that adults can ask unrelated kids to make small talk.  Some other examples of these types of question/statements are "Hey, you don't have school today!" (upon seeing school-aged kids in the store) because that leads into "Yeah, it's a conference day / exams / MLK / National holiday / snow day!" or "Do you have any siblings / pets?" or "Who is your favorite TV character?" or "What sport do you play?"  None of these questions have a hidden agenda in dissing home school or undermining a family's choice of raising their kids without media; it's just small talk.

The weekends with family or questioning about if they like their siblings are more pointed - but that is a potential outcome of choosing to live a lifestyle that is extremely discordant to the wider culture.  Most teenagers have at least one after-school activity; it could be a sport, a club, an activity or a job.  Most teenagers find their siblings to be irritating from time to time - and I've seen nothing that excludes home schooled teens from that.   Personally, my relationship with each of my siblings was improved by having areas where we were not forced to directly interact all the time.

I've never been so certain that CP/QF families actually expect more from their children.  The most vocal bloggers and writers on home schooling within CP/QF construct very detailed rationales as to why their students do not need to learn high school level math, science or writing.  The students are not learning how to manage time pressures from outside activities along with educational pressures.  Many CP/QF kids are so highly sheltered that they are not learning the interpersonal skills that come with having to make friends and dealing with people who are different.  Really, it's insulting to the home schooling families who work diligently to provide their students with rigorous curriculum, involvement in community activities and free time with peers to learn how to interact. 

I will concede that many QF families expect way too much from their older kids in terms of caring for siblings and chores - and Stacy McDonald's family expects way too much from her older daughters.

There was a time when I found myself wishing for a life that God had not chosen for me. One night, when the house was quiet, I snuggled beneath my warm, thick comforter and began to reflect upon recent days.

I quietly remembered visiting some friends in their home. They have three children who have graduated from high school and no longer have babies to watch and messes to clean. I recall envy filling my heart as I looked around their house and noticed that their living room was spotless. There were no puzzle pieces under the coffee table waiting to be put back where they belong. They didn't have mud stains on the carpet by the door from little feet, or coffee stains by the counter from chubby fingers reaching for a good sip of sweetened coffee and cream ----and no dirty diapers to change! Their time seems to be their own. I imagine relaxing on the couch with a good book and no noisy toddlers running about. I envisioned eating a piece of cake without a 4 year old climbing in my lap to ask for a bite. Peace! Why couldn't our family be that way? (pg. 106)

Short response to Tiffany's question: Your parents are lazy.

Longer response:
The main attraction as far as I can see to QF theology is that husband-wife couples never have to choose to postpone having another kid ever.   They get the continual positive feedback loop of the excitement that surrounds pregnancy, birth and infancy while hiding behind the excuse that "God wants it this way".   Looking at the present state of a family can be sobering; deciding to postpone another pregnancy doesn't receive a lot of positive feedback from friends and church members.  Plus, spacing a pregnancy takes some planning and sacrifice - doubly so if the couple refuses to use birth control.

 The issue, though, is that there is only so much time for Mrs. McDonald to raise her ten children each day.  Babies are time-consuming - but toddlers, preschoolers and early elementary aged kids are work.  Those age groups need a lot of help learning how to navigate within the family structure and within the wider world.  Those ages understand the difference between a parent - who has the right to order them around - and an older sibling - who is not a parent and faces lots of backlash from kids who want their parent. 

Somewhere along the lines, the wheels came off the family system in the McDonald house.  Yes, small children tend to be messier and noisier than teenagers - but this sounds like chaos.  Kids who are old enough to play with puzzles are old enough to put them away.  Kids can be trained to remove their shoes before going on carpet - and to use the hose outside to wash their feet off if they have muddy bare feet during the summer.  Having small children reaching for hot liquids over their head is a recipe for severe burns - not an adorable anecdote!  Tiffany should be allowed to tell the four-year-old to get off her lap while she's eating.

Why didn't this happen?  Teaching each of those behaviors takes time.  It doesn't take a lot of time - but Mrs. McDonald doesn't have any time left between caring for the most pressing needs, feeding the family and homeschooling.  It's easier to justify letting the youngest members of the family run wild than it is to teach them to be respectful of belongings and people.

Discontentment began to creep in and take dominion over my life. Everyday I would find some other fault with our family, some other reason to be jealous. My every thought seem to begin with, "If only our family..."

The babies began to be burdensome to me; they were no longer a joy to be around. It seemed like every day brought more messes and even more laundry to fold and put away. I thought it was the babies who are being grumpy, when in reality, it was I. (pg. 106)

Stacy McDonald chose to marry her husband.  They chose not to practice any form of family planning and ended up with ten children.   I chose to marry my husband, practice family planning and have a single son so far.   Mothering brings crazy days and hard days - but in the back of my mind  I always know that I chose to have my son.   I made a choice - and I work with the consequences of that choice.

Tiffany never made a choice. 

She's a stay-at-home-mother who has never fallen in love, never had sex and never given birth.   She's got all of the work - but none of the perks or security that comes with motherhood.  I doubt James or Stacy McDonald would have reacted well if Tiffany or any of the other girls in the congregation who were raising siblings stood up to be recognized on Mother's Day.  The McDonalds could kick out Tiffany and cut her off from her younger siblings legally once she turned 18.    Tiffany can't make any of the decisions that a wife and mother could make in her own home.  She can't kick the kids outside to play while she reads a book or cleans a room in peace.  Tiffany can't tell her younger brother or sisters that they have to fold their own laundry and put it away now.  She's not even allowed to declare that the "babies" are making life miserable; Tiffany's unhappiness must be caused by Tiffany alone.

This is the point that Tiffany remembers that babies are a blessing from the Lord - but the Bible never mentions how children are blessings for siblings - just parents. 

A discontented spirit had begun to weigh me down. I had been cross, mean, and miserable. When I could bear it no longer, I finally called on the Lord to bring me out of the "miry pit". I asked him to set my feet on a " firm foundation," which reminded me of one of my favorite hymns. The fourth verse in " How Firm A Foundation" has encouraged me often. It reads:

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply:

the flame shall not hurt thee, I only design

the dross to consume, and thy gold to refine. (pg. 106-107)

A teenager is too overwhelmed when their comforting rationale for the drudgery of caring for children she didn't bear is that God's refining her soul through fiery trials.    That's really depressing - and I'm horrified that her mother after reading this "testimony" decided that not only was her daughter doing fine, but that the story should be included in a book for young women!

I do suspect that this testimony made Stacy McDonald mad on some level because the first two questions in the "Share your Heart" are brutal:

Do you ever wish you were part of another family instead of your own or wonder if other daughters have it easier or better than you do? How could this type of thinking be a rejection of God's Sovereign will--- and ultimately rebellion against God? (pg 108)

Look, all kids dream of being in a family that is totally different than their own because the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence.   That's age-appropriate.  The best solution for those longings is to spend lots of time around other families because all families have their strengths and weaknesses.    Kids should also be allowed to ask for changes in the family's routines.  Tiffany doesn't want to be surrounded by toddlers with no sense of boundaries all the time.  There's an easy solution of letting Tiffany spend time at her child-free friends' home to recharge her batteries or go to the local library without the young ones in tow.   Doing that, of course, would require Mr. and Mrs. McDonald to care for their children and home without one of their teenage daughters around to lessen their load - but that seems fair to me since the teenage daughters don't get input on the family reproduction plan. 

Which Commandment are you breaking when you look at another family and long for the life they live? If you've been guilty of this, stop right now and repent. Pray that God will forgive you and give you a thankful spirit for what he has given you. Pray that you will learn from your imperfect family all that God wants to teach you. (pg. 108)

Oh, the girls might be treading close the 10th Commandment - but Stacy McDonald threw the Greatest Commandment out the door during her chapter on cleanliness being next to Godliness.  I don't see the McDonald parents showing love to their older daughters that is equal to their love of self.   

I hope the McDonald girls learned an important lesson from their imperfect family - that couples who marry young and want large families are advised to think about longer spacing between children for the sake of the family over the long term.  

Preparing Sons for Single Income - Chapter Five

The fifth chapter in "Preparing Sons to Provide for a Single Income Family" by Steven Maxwell is mostly a chance to explain the steps to being "saved" to any readers who have bought this book without being saved already.  I don't much to say on that point except that the idea of having a born-again moment is really bizarre to people who grew up in non-Evangelical circles.  As a Catholic, we view salvation as being the providence of a merciful God whom we show gratitude to by behaving in a moral manner.  We believe that baptism is a rebirth in Christ - and we are very much in favor of baptizing infants.  We believe that we receive the Body and Blood of Christ at the Eucharist.

Coming from that background, the idea of a single moment where Christ is invited into someone's heart is....a bit jarring, really.  From my background, the fact that Christ is the Savior of the World and the fact that you personally need salvation is a basic given that we've accepted since early childhood.  The real challenge is living a life that reflects Christ's Love for all - and we don't find asking people about their salvation status to be a good way of doing that.

Anyway, the Maxwell thesis on salvation is book-ended by a slap at a early mentor of Nathan's in the beginning and the story of Nathan's purchase of a home as a reward for Nathan, Steve and Teri's prayer life at the far end which will be the crux of this post.

The chapter begins with the horror story of "Mike".

Nathan, my oldest son, worked with Mike for a number of months. Mike is single, good-looking, extremely talented, and makes an enormous amount of money. He lives the " fast life", drives high-performance German vehicles, and goes from one fun experience to another. Do Mike's parents consider him a success? Very likely! Most people evaluate their children's success by the amount of money they earn and whether they stay out of trouble. Unfortunately, Mike doesn't know the Lord Jesus as Savior, and unless something changes, he will spend eternity in "the lake of fire". (pg. 62)

Adoption Issues: Communication between Home and School

Well, the baby is feeling a bit better today - but I caught his cold.  I'm running far enough behind that reading in a chapter of either of the book reviews will have to wait until the weekend - but I have a blog post review waiting in my back pocket.

I wrote a previous blog post about the Corkum family: two parents, two biological kids, one adopted son adopted in accordance with best practices followed by the adoption of three unrelated teenagers who were substantially older than the other three kids.  The last three adoptions have been a complete mess and by 2016 all three of the kids were living in other placements.

Prior to the oldest adopted kids leaving, the most disruptive kid was placed in public schools.  Melissa Corkum had previously home schooled all of the kids using the classical method so this was a hard transition for her.   She wrote a post about things that the kid's teacher has said that are emotionally devastating to her.   The post made me laugh because I've said all of these things to parents (or something pretty close) before and I can promise that the teacher did not mean what Mrs. Corkum heard.

Statement One:

“She has been super cooperative for me.”